Tumblr Users Explain Why Parents Should Stop Praising Children That Obey
From changing diapers daily to making sure the lunch is packed and nutritious, parenting is one hell of a job what seems to have no end. And while the physical tasks are demanding, there is a much bigger underlying issue in the entire process. How to raise your child mentally? How to make sure they turn out ok? How to give them freedom without making them reckless and lawless? Some parents believe in strict discipline, including corporal punishment, that’s been highly debated between different groups. And while many have a strong stance against physical punishment when it comes to disciplining a child, a lot more seem lenient to other means in keeping children submissive.
One Tumblr user dragon-in-a-fez, who is currently acquiring their PhD in childhood studies, decided to share their thoughts on the issue. They have connected the problem of violence against children with society’s idea that all children must be obedient.
One Tumblr user decided to share their thoughts on why expecting a child to be obedient can lead to violence against children
Image credits: maxpixel
The author of the original post argues that we, as a society and individuals in everyday situations, should discourage parents from dominant behaviour. According to them, we should also stop praising children for being submissive as “perpetuating the idea that children are morally obligated to be submissive primes them for abuse,” says the author.
Here’s the discussion that followed the initial post
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I have three children who have always been respectful and polite, especially in public. I have noticed over the years its is always the people who are so impressed over their manners, that do a complete turn about as soon as they realize they are well mannered because they want to be, not because they fear me. I have received so many lectures over the years from these people about how I shouldnt have to explain why something is the way it is, and how they should just snap to attention like mindless puppets at my word. Why they dont understand that its those conversations that make them want to use those good manners that were so impressive in the first place, I will never know.
The thought of this makes me feel almost physically sick. Don’t they understand that children are people? Who will grow up? I’m glad to hear that you’ve done well. Thank you for raising your children right.
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My parents never spanked me or my brother, and we both turned out just fine. My parents endeavored to make the punishment fit the crime - for example, if I scribbled on the kitchen wall I had to clean it off. My father especially reasoned with me and treated me like an intelligent human being.
Not "like"an intelligent human being, but "because you are" an intelligent human being. Every child is a human being with the right to be treated with respect
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This post is all over the place, I'm with you on not bullying kids but the parents need to be the alpha in the child parent relationship in order to protect the child, if you take this everyone has an equal status approach, then you're going to find yourself in dangerous situations having to debate with your child why they should not be running across a road, wondering off in a supermarket by themselves or sticking their hand out of a moving vehicle, in those moments you do not have time to explain yourself and allow for your child's creative expression, they simply need to listen. We are all born with selfish impulses it often takes good parenting to make us aware of the needs of other, teaching a child to share for example or not making a hugh amount of noise in public, these things need to be taught.
The thing is, children ARE equal. Parents are there to guide them through life, to teach them safety and experience and how to be a good person. If you treat your child with love and respect, then they won't really question you when you say "Running into the road will kill you." There are certain situations that you need to protect them even if it hurts their feelings - but that's not exclusive to parenting; it's what you need to do with everyone.
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What Ialways say: I want my kid to understand why I´m asking her to do something. As they said: not only bc mom says so, I want her to find the logic in the rules.She always responds: "why?" or "what for?",and as some parents might find this rude, I find it healthy, because children need an explanation as we do. They need to understand, they don´t need to fear.
If there were more parents like you, society would be much better
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Growing up, I remember only getting a spank once, I think? I don’t remember any sort of real punishment. But I was taught what not to do, and why. That it was disrespectful or wrong to do certain things. Children need things explained to them. They need to be taught. Usually, they’ll act well, if they know right from wrong. They’re humans. They’re people. They’re impressionable. Treating them like objects, in a way they must do everything for you without any explanation, makes a lasting impression. This is why many (in line with what I’ve seen) are so submissive as adults/don’t always fight for themselves/view themselves as less; they’re raised to feel like they’re items. At least, that’s how I’ve found it to be.
I've always thought that respect and standing up for yourself were the main things parents should be focusing on behavior wise. My friends call me a "mom" because I absolutely hate it when other kids at my school who have almost no respect for adults or other students. I think that if parents teach their kids to respect everyone, as well as to not let anyone make you do something you're not comfortable with, kids will learn to listen to their parent(s) reasonable requests, but know when their being taken advantage of or abused.
I really do wonder what the endgame is for those parents who are insisting on total submission and obedience. Are they intending for these children to stay children forever? Or are they thinking that these children are going to grow up and become adults and somehow, magically, unlearn all those habits of submission and obedience? I think a sizable portion of the children who are raised to be submissive and obedient grow up to have a terrible #metoo problem as grownups - if you're not allowed to say no or to assert yourself in any way or to challenge authority in any way, what will you do when someone breaches your boundaries in that way? The parents who raise their children (especially their daughters) this way are basically conditioning them to accept all sorts of horrible things being done to them (sexual assault included) because their instinct is to obey and not question.
Only punishment I can remember getting from my parent was being dragged out of the store when I threw a hissy fit over not getting something and mom putting me on a bench and talking about why I couldn't get everything I wanted. I still take the "you cant have everything you want" with me in case of future children or if my nieces needs to hear it. But the shame step in the stairs is still in use, dont ask why we dont have a shame corner cause I dont know.
I totally agree.. Most of the parents are mad because the kids DON´T OBEY THEM , NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG .. parents are not kings .. they should teach properly . Just because you want your kid to stay quiet .. is does´t mean he is doing something wrong.. so stopping being mad for no reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry but I will continue to tell my child thank you for being polite to others and praise her for not being a rude child. I don't instill fear in my kids or spank them if they don't behave though. That's not my parenting style. Our job as parents is to raise decent human beings who are compassionate and kind to everyone is my opinion. I see too many entitled, rude bratty kids these days who have been desensitized basically. I'm going to praise all parents right now who instill manners, compassion, morals and family values in their kids right now because that's what our world is lacking. I understand where this person is coming from and what she is trying to get a crossed though. I want my kids to be free thinkers, to not conform, follow and be sheep. I want them to do the right thing even if it means standing alone. You can teach all this without instilling fear in the child. Explaining things to them for one instead of saying "Because I said so" helps also.
I am appalled at people who still think that hitting your child is acceptable. I mean, most people know that punching/beating/molesting your child IS abusive, yet they ignore the fact that spanking (god, I really hate that word) is also hitting your child. Once, when I was FOURTEEN, my dad was so angry at me and my brother for not being Christians that he hit us. When I was crying about it to my mom later, she took his side and said "Until spanking is made illegal, he was totally right to do that". I was 14. I was WAY past the age that hitting your child as 'discipline' would be even remotely acceptable. And yet people still defend it. Just because it's legal, doesn't mean it's right. (quote from Cinderella 2015: 'Just because it's what's done doesn't mean it's what should be done!')
My father believed physical punishment is the best way to raise children. It was like walking on eggshells around giant bully, who would hit me or yell at me for misbehaving. Don't do this to your children.
Eh, this is an interesting theory, but I honestly don't see it. Wanting your child to listen to you and striking your child come from two totally different places. Despite their work in "child studies", it seems to show a lack of insight in to child development and the parent / child relationship.
The question is not whether you "want your child to listen to you" - the question is how you enforce that "listening". You can do it by fear - i.e. "If you don't listen to me, I will hurt you". Or you can do it by explaining why what you're telling the kid is so important and what the natural consequences of not following the rule are - i.e. "If you are loud in this public place, it will bother people and they will be upset; please stay quiet or we will have to leave". If the kid basically trusts you to guide them and to not overrestrict their behavior, they'll follow the rules without any sort of fear tactics involved.
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This extremely interesting, during my life I have witnessed every example of behavior, parents attitude, raising children today is more difficult mostly with mothers working, that being said, mothers can work just difficult making time for the children, there is more stress fore a variety of reasons, too many single parents, a child should not be physically punished, the lesson they learn is hitting is okay and will not respect the parent and where is the love, my children at about age two were stood in the corner. I also feel that each parent take their child on errands taking turns, be surprised how much you learn with one on one outings, start each day with a hug !!!
Strange that Europe does not consist of 90% complete shitheads...
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So almost every parent in Europe has a severe disadvantage? Not many over here would second that...
Load More Replies... I have three children who have always been respectful and polite, especially in public. I have noticed over the years its is always the people who are so impressed over their manners, that do a complete turn about as soon as they realize they are well mannered because they want to be, not because they fear me. I have received so many lectures over the years from these people about how I shouldnt have to explain why something is the way it is, and how they should just snap to attention like mindless puppets at my word. Why they dont understand that its those conversations that make them want to use those good manners that were so impressive in the first place, I will never know.
The thought of this makes me feel almost physically sick. Don’t they understand that children are people? Who will grow up? I’m glad to hear that you’ve done well. Thank you for raising your children right.
Load More Replies... My parents never spanked me or my brother, and we both turned out just fine. My parents endeavored to make the punishment fit the crime - for example, if I scribbled on the kitchen wall I had to clean it off. My father especially reasoned with me and treated me like an intelligent human being.
Not "like"an intelligent human being, but "because you are" an intelligent human being. Every child is a human being with the right to be treated with respect
Load More Replies... This post is all over the place, I'm with you on not bullying kids but the parents need to be the alpha in the child parent relationship in order to protect the child, if you take this everyone has an equal status approach, then you're going to find yourself in dangerous situations having to debate with your child why they should not be running across a road, wondering off in a supermarket by themselves or sticking their hand out of a moving vehicle, in those moments you do not have time to explain yourself and allow for your child's creative expression, they simply need to listen. We are all born with selfish impulses it often takes good parenting to make us aware of the needs of other, teaching a child to share for example or not making a hugh amount of noise in public, these things need to be taught.
The thing is, children ARE equal. Parents are there to guide them through life, to teach them safety and experience and how to be a good person. If you treat your child with love and respect, then they won't really question you when you say "Running into the road will kill you." There are certain situations that you need to protect them even if it hurts their feelings - but that's not exclusive to parenting; it's what you need to do with everyone.
Load More Replies... What Ialways say: I want my kid to understand why I´m asking her to do something. As they said: not only bc mom says so, I want her to find the logic in the rules.She always responds: "why?" or "what for?",and as some parents might find this rude, I find it healthy, because children need an explanation as we do. They need to understand, they don´t need to fear.
If there were more parents like you, society would be much better
Load More Replies... Growing up, I remember only getting a spank once, I think? I don’t remember any sort of real punishment. But I was taught what not to do, and why. That it was disrespectful or wrong to do certain things. Children need things explained to them. They need to be taught. Usually, they’ll act well, if they know right from wrong. They’re humans. They’re people. They’re impressionable. Treating them like objects, in a way they must do everything for you without any explanation, makes a lasting impression. This is why many (in line with what I’ve seen) are so submissive as adults/don’t always fight for themselves/view themselves as less; they’re raised to feel like they’re items. At least, that’s how I’ve found it to be.
I've always thought that respect and standing up for yourself were the main things parents should be focusing on behavior wise. My friends call me a "mom" because I absolutely hate it when other kids at my school who have almost no respect for adults or other students. I think that if parents teach their kids to respect everyone, as well as to not let anyone make you do something you're not comfortable with, kids will learn to listen to their parent(s) reasonable requests, but know when their being taken advantage of or abused.
I really do wonder what the endgame is for those parents who are insisting on total submission and obedience. Are they intending for these children to stay children forever? Or are they thinking that these children are going to grow up and become adults and somehow, magically, unlearn all those habits of submission and obedience? I think a sizable portion of the children who are raised to be submissive and obedient grow up to have a terrible #metoo problem as grownups - if you're not allowed to say no or to assert yourself in any way or to challenge authority in any way, what will you do when someone breaches your boundaries in that way? The parents who raise their children (especially their daughters) this way are basically conditioning them to accept all sorts of horrible things being done to them (sexual assault included) because their instinct is to obey and not question.
Only punishment I can remember getting from my parent was being dragged out of the store when I threw a hissy fit over not getting something and mom putting me on a bench and talking about why I couldn't get everything I wanted. I still take the "you cant have everything you want" with me in case of future children or if my nieces needs to hear it. But the shame step in the stairs is still in use, dont ask why we dont have a shame corner cause I dont know.
I totally agree.. Most of the parents are mad because the kids DON´T OBEY THEM , NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG .. parents are not kings .. they should teach properly . Just because you want your kid to stay quiet .. is does´t mean he is doing something wrong.. so stopping being mad for no reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry but I will continue to tell my child thank you for being polite to others and praise her for not being a rude child. I don't instill fear in my kids or spank them if they don't behave though. That's not my parenting style. Our job as parents is to raise decent human beings who are compassionate and kind to everyone is my opinion. I see too many entitled, rude bratty kids these days who have been desensitized basically. I'm going to praise all parents right now who instill manners, compassion, morals and family values in their kids right now because that's what our world is lacking. I understand where this person is coming from and what she is trying to get a crossed though. I want my kids to be free thinkers, to not conform, follow and be sheep. I want them to do the right thing even if it means standing alone. You can teach all this without instilling fear in the child. Explaining things to them for one instead of saying "Because I said so" helps also.
I am appalled at people who still think that hitting your child is acceptable. I mean, most people know that punching/beating/molesting your child IS abusive, yet they ignore the fact that spanking (god, I really hate that word) is also hitting your child. Once, when I was FOURTEEN, my dad was so angry at me and my brother for not being Christians that he hit us. When I was crying about it to my mom later, she took his side and said "Until spanking is made illegal, he was totally right to do that". I was 14. I was WAY past the age that hitting your child as 'discipline' would be even remotely acceptable. And yet people still defend it. Just because it's legal, doesn't mean it's right. (quote from Cinderella 2015: 'Just because it's what's done doesn't mean it's what should be done!')
My father believed physical punishment is the best way to raise children. It was like walking on eggshells around giant bully, who would hit me or yell at me for misbehaving. Don't do this to your children.
Eh, this is an interesting theory, but I honestly don't see it. Wanting your child to listen to you and striking your child come from two totally different places. Despite their work in "child studies", it seems to show a lack of insight in to child development and the parent / child relationship.
The question is not whether you "want your child to listen to you" - the question is how you enforce that "listening". You can do it by fear - i.e. "If you don't listen to me, I will hurt you". Or you can do it by explaining why what you're telling the kid is so important and what the natural consequences of not following the rule are - i.e. "If you are loud in this public place, it will bother people and they will be upset; please stay quiet or we will have to leave". If the kid basically trusts you to guide them and to not overrestrict their behavior, they'll follow the rules without any sort of fear tactics involved.
Load More Replies... This extremely interesting, during my life I have witnessed every example of behavior, parents attitude, raising children today is more difficult mostly with mothers working, that being said, mothers can work just difficult making time for the children, there is more stress fore a variety of reasons, too many single parents, a child should not be physically punished, the lesson they learn is hitting is okay and will not respect the parent and where is the love, my children at about age two were stood in the corner. I also feel that each parent take their child on errands taking turns, be surprised how much you learn with one on one outings, start each day with a hug !!!
Strange that Europe does not consist of 90% complete shitheads...
Load More Replies... So almost every parent in Europe has a severe disadvantage? Not many over here would second that...
Load More Replies...
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