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Woman Reveals How Everyone Turned A Blind Eye To What Her Stepfather Was Doing
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Social Issues4 years ago

Woman Reveals How Everyone Turned A Blind Eye To What Her Stepfather Was Doing

In the wake of the horrific mass shooting that left 26 people dead in Sutherland Springs, Texas recently, writer Katherine Fugate decided to share her own story.

“It starts somewhere. It starts in the home. I know what a mass shooter can look like.

First time I saw him, I was 13. The sun wasn’t even up yet and I was wearing my track uniform. I poured myself a bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, turned and there he was, sitting at the round pale-blue Formica table reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee.

Woman Reveals How Everyone Turned A Blind Eye To What Her Stepfather Was Doing

He was a large man. Wavy hair and beard intertwined with strands of black and white. Blue-blue eyes. A department store Santa. He smiled at me. Introduced himself. I was late for practice. So I told him to wash his dishes before he left.

My mother met him the night before. The bowling alley was the place-to-be in our small town, with a crowded bar, nightly bowling leagues, giant trophies and a video game arcade. Normally we went with her, gorging on pizza and Dr. Pepper, but my youngest sister was sick. So my mom went alone, met him and brought him home.

She’d been looking for a man for a while. She was a mother with three little girls. She did not have a job. That was a lot to take on for anyone. Her second marriage had ended a year earlier. He started sleeping in her bedroom every night after they met. A few weeks later, I woke up to find them both gone. It was Christmas Eve morning. She’d left a note. They had gone to Vegas, a four hour drive. Watch your two younger sisters, please. They’d be back that night.

I wasn’t mad. I was hopeful. She was lonely, she was drinking more and the laundry was piling up in the garage. He lifted her up, easily, and swung her around the room, happily, and he bought all three of us brand new bicycles. I wanted it to work out for her this time. We all did.

I woke up before dawn on Christmas morning and they still hadn’t come home. The Christmas tree was decorated and the red and green lights were blinking expectantly, but the cookies and milk were untouched. I ate the cookies, drank the milk, and then stole her money from the cigar box.

I rode my new banana seat bike that he bought me in the dark to the 7-Eleven on Grand Avenue, where I bought presents on behalf of Santa. I bought records for my two sisters. The 45’s of I Think I Love You by The Partridge Family and I Don’t Like Spiders and Snakes by Jim Stafford. The three of us had a band called “Wonder.” I played the drums on the back of a set of silver pots, while they played the tambourine and maracas. Our mother was best and only audience. At the store, I bought as much candy, soapy bubbles and plastic toys as I could afford. Then, I bought one more thing. A gift for my mother. The .45 record of You and Me Against the World by Helen Reddy.

“When all the others turn their backs and walk away

You can count on me to stay…”

I wanted her to know I would stay.

“And when one of us is gone

And one of us is left to carry on

Remembering will have to do…”

I wanted her to know I would remember her.

I rode my bike home as the sun rose. I wrapped the Christmas presents and put them under the tree. I quickly made pancakes, which my mother had always done for us on Christmas morning. My sisters woke up shortly after and opened their gifts. If they were disappointed in the small bounty, they didn’t say. We got out the silver pots, played the records and sang the songs. It was a happy Christmas morning. The only thing missing was our audience.

My mother called hours later. They were driving back from Vegas. Would I find a restaurant open for Christmas dinner? Scouring the Yellow Pages, I made a reservation at a Chinese restaurant in the next town, and it was there my mother showed us her diamond ring and told us they were getting married. From that day forward, he lived with us. The changes happened rather fast.

I never liked meat. Even as a very small child, my mother told me I would spit out beef. For dinner, my mother made meatloaf, his favorite. She gave me the side dishes: mashed potatoes, green beans, macaroni and cheese. He insisted I eat the meatloaf. I wouldn’t. My mother defended me. But he was the man of the house now. I could not leave the kitchen table until I ate the meatloaf. My mother shook me awake the next morning. I had fallen asleep. She had a black eye. I never saw him hit her. But I didn’t have to eat the meatloaf.

He bought her a red Lotus, an expensive sports car with a stick shift. Then, they took another trip to Vegas and left us alone. I stole my mother’s car keys and drove my sisters to school in the brand new Lotus. I taught myself how to drive her stick shift, but not very well, because I hit a tree in the school parking lot. Students stared. Teachers stared. The car was towed.

I was 14 and didn’t have a driver’s license. They called my mother in Vegas. She returned with a black eye, a split lip and a badly bruised arm hanging limply by her side. He walked right past me into the house without saying a word. She looked right at me and said, quietly, “I took it for you.”

It was my fault I wrecked the car. It was my fault he beat her.

My mother started drinking more. He started drinking more. The fights happened more. A passion play and we were the audience. Parenting became an afterthought. When the food in the house ran out, my sisters and I would take a taxi and my mother’s check book to the grocery store. We’d load up the shopping cart and not with very good choices. In front of the cashier, I’d carefully fill out the dollar amount on the check, and then forge my mother’s signature. It was a small town.

Everybody knew why. But nobody said a thing.

What we allow will continue. What continues will escalate.

Life became a routine. When the fighting started downstairs, my younger sisters left their bedrooms and showed up in mine. The record player went on. The record collection grew. I learned which chair to wedge under the doorknob to keep my bedroom door shut. I learned which concealer worked best to hide her bruises the next morning. Sometimes, the ambulance would come. Sometimes, she’d wear dark sunglasses, a loose sweatshirt and a big floppy hat when she walked the dogs.

Everybody knew. But nobody said a thing.

What we allow will continue. What continues will escalate.

There were moments of hope. Because nobody is angry and violent all day, every day. They just have to be angry and violent one day. My mother would wake us up in the middle of the night, and tell us to pack a suitcase. We’d hole up in a hotel. We were underworld spies, prisoners from a jailbreak. We’d order food, watch Charlie’s Angels, hope to never to be found. But we were never really lost, because a day or two later, he’d knock on the hotel door, carrying flowers. And it was over. Because who doesn’t want to go to Disneyland? Who doesn’t want to be the first house on the block to have a swimming pool?

My mother hated guns, so there were no guns in our house. I slept with a butcher knife under my pillow. I used it once. I was 16. The fighting downstairs stopped, abruptly, in the middle of my mother’s scream. I called 911 and then I crept downstairs. He was hunched over her body. She was on the floor in a pool of her own blood. I put the knife to the back of his neck to stop him from killing my mother. The ambulance came and took her away. The police came and took him away. We snuck into a next door neighbor’s backyard and slept on their lawn furniture. We woke up with blankets. Of course, they knew.

Everybody knew. But nobody said a thing.

What we allow will continue. What continues will escalate.

Weeks later, I was called out of my high school English class. My mother was at the school and wanted to talk to me. It was Halloween. I was a vampire, my long black cape flapping in the wind. She, newly released from the hospital, looked like a mummy, with her hollow eyes, her head shaved and her 32 stitches wrapped in white bandages. School was in session, so we were alone. She’d paid his bail. He was sorry. He was waiting at the house. Would I give him another chance, please?

My mother came to my school, begging me not to break up with her.

“When all the others turn their backs and walk away

You can count on me to stay…”

I broke my own heart when I did not come home from school that day. My mother could “take it” for me, but I couldn’t “take it” anymore. My middle sister, 13, ran away. Our father, remarried with two new small children, put her into a boarding school. My youngest sister, who had a different father from my mother’s second marriage, was only 6, so she cried herself to sleep at night. Our family was torn apart. So they moved to a new house on the outskirts of our small town on a secluded dirt road.

Last time I saw him, I was 16. When I pulled up to the new house to get my things, he stepped outside to meet me. The beard was gone. He’d lost weight. He was calm. He held a shotgun in his hand. It was pointed down, non-threatening. There was finality in the moment. I was leaving home for good. There was finality in the presence of a weapon. If I was willing to use a knife, he was willing to use a gun.

My sister was still in that house. My mother was still in that house.

Everybody knew.

Neighbors, coaches, grocery store cashiers, elementary, junior and high school teachers, school principals, classmates. Her parents knew, my father knew.

Everybody knew. Nobody said a thing.

What we allow will continue. What continues will escalate.

I never saw my stepfather again. There is no big turning point moment here, where I confronted him about the abuse. Where I asked him, point blank, why did you beat my mother? Where I told him, point blank, the pain he caused my sisters and me could be forgiven, but it could never be undone. My mother left him a few years later. She died a few years after that.

My stepfather did not murder my mother. My stepfather did not murder me.

But had my stepfather picked up a gun and killed us all, nobody would have been surprised. He was a violent guy, they’d tell the news cameras. Everybody knew that.

But nobody got involved. Because we somehow believe that we are safe from a guy who “only” beats his wife. We’re not a member of that family, so it doesn’t really affect us.

Had my stepfather picked up a semi-automatic weapon and killed scores of strangers in a public place, nobody would have been surprised by that either. He was a violent guy, they’d tell the news cameras. Everybody knew that.

But now everybody’s involved. Because innocent people have been killed in a church, in a nightclub, at a concert or a cafe, and in an elementary school.

Domestic violence no longer lives inside that one house on the block. Domestic violence lives in the public now.

According to Everytown for Gun Safety, the majority of all mass shooters in the United States killed an intimate partner or family member during the massacre or had a history of domestic violence.

Somebody out there, right now, knows the next big mass shooter. Somebody out there is getting blamed, screamed at, beaten up.

Somebody out there wants to believe that he’s sorry, that he’s changed and that love means giving him a second chance. Even if that second chance means giving him another bullet because he missed the first time.

Somebody out there, right now, needs our help.

Once, you could feel sorry for the three little girls from the violent home forging a check at the grocery store. Once, you could smile softly, avert your eyes and do nothing. Not anymore.

The facts show that domestic violence is a very clear warning sign that people outside of the family might also be hurt in the future.

Violent men don’t just drop out of the sky with guns and start shooting up people in public places. There are warning signs.

Abused women and children are the canary in the coal mine.

It starts somewhere. It starts in the home.

Nobody would have been surprised if I had died.

“And when one of us is gone

And one of us is left to carry on

Then remembering will have to do

Our memories alone will get us through

Think about the days of me and you

Of you and me against the world

I love you, Mommy

I love you, baby…””

Woman Reveals How Everyone Turned A Blind Eye To What Her Stepfather Was Doing

Source: Medium.com

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Elizabeth Molloy
Community Member
4 years ago

Beautifully written and very poignant. I grew up in a violent home, with a violent father. Thank goodness we don't have that gun culture in the UK.

Maureen Zappellini
Community Member
4 years ago

Yes the gun culture in the US is horrible- with defenders yelling how PEOPLE (not guns) are the problem and the money firmly on the NRA....there's little hope to truly illuminate the situation and change it for the better. But it doesn't stop with guns...the factor few people speak of is ALCOHOL. Alcohol is the lubricant- it gives angry people courage to let out their hidden monsters... Drinking is very dangerous when mental health is not stable.....

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Elaine Sokolov
Community Member
4 years ago

I grew up in Russia, where my father killed my mother and tried to kill me. I escaped with a gunshot in the leg. Now happily live with a husband and son in the UK. I hate to see this, makes me tear up.

Irene Walton
Community Member
4 years ago

I'm so sorry Elaine. (((Hugs)))

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Jonathan. S
Community Member
4 years ago

This is so sad. It makes you think "how the hell didn't other people do something about this obvious issue?!"

Daria B
Community Member
4 years ago

Because it takes courage to: 1. face a violent man; 2. get involved in other people's lives. Sad, but true. And we should work it out on ways to stop all this madness.

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Zenozenobee
Community Member
4 years ago

When I was 17, I was going back to my apartment late at night after a party. My parents were gone for the week end. I found my 15 years old sister putting her shoes and crying. She was planing to go search the building to "find out were the lady was". At first I didn't understand, we went quiet and the screams restart. A young woman was litteraly calling for help. We were living on the first floor so we went upstair to find the right door (4th floor). My sister hide herself and call the police while I knocked (I was not impressive, not trained, but the woman was still calling for help). A huge man opened the door, told me "she" was in the kitchen and left. We stayed with her until the police shoed up 15 minutes later. The guy never went back.In a calm neighborwood, 7 floors, 2 apartments by floor with "fathers" in most of them, only two teenagers react

Zenozenobee
Community Member
4 years ago

We could definitivly have make it safer for us, maybe by knocking to other doors to go upstairs with back up. But after that you start to think: if it had been me, if it had been one of my precious sisters? you just realise you can't count on help from your neighbors...

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Luiza Kobelus
Community Member
4 years ago

My eyes filled with tears:( Domestic violence happens all over the world. It´s distressing...

anarkzie
Community Member
4 years ago

Reading the comments, a lot of people are saying that it's bad that people did not step in etc, I'm not disagreeing with this but what exactly can a person on the outside do? Until the mum or any woman(man in some cases) in this situation decides that she's going to leave the abuser then you are powerless to intervene. I'm not defending or blaming anyone, I would really like to hear what people think could be done that could make a constructive change to help bring someone out of a situation like this.

Shana
Community Member
4 years ago

It's difficult, but you are right. You can't help someone when they do not want to be helped. (Applies to more cases other than domestic violence.) I mean if you think or are convinced a neighbour or familymember or anyone is a victim of abuse/domestic violence/... you can call the cops or one of those organisations, but if that person then pretends everything is ok...

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Melody Lanzatella
Community Member
4 years ago

It is just amazing to me that her mother thought it was okay to meet this guy in a bar and bring him directly home with her and in contact with her children! I am about the same age. My mother used to do the same thing....drunkenly bring different men home, have sex with them, then pass out. Not all of them then came into MY room in the middle of the night, but some did. She DIRECTLY put me in the line of fire of men she didnt know! Many that were pedophiles. Maybe in the bar while drinking with them she told them she had kids! It's disgusting!

Georgann Haeffner
Community Member
4 years ago

I'm so sad you had to go through that, and hope that time and counseling have brought some healing.

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coffee zombie
Community Member
4 years ago

This took me back to those childhood years I don't like revisiting but it's beautifully written and hopefully people will be more motivated to stand against abuse and leave abusive relationships.

Tracy Sellars
Community Member
4 years ago

And hopefully it will encourage others to get involved and help support those that need to get out.

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DopethronePunkUK
Community Member
4 years ago

I have a close friend of many years who got into an argument with his girlfriend once and he started to hit her repeatedly with a closed fist, this is in no way acceptable for a man to do and as the friend was a big guy and very angry at the time the only thing i could do to stop him was hit him full pelt with my skateboard to the back of his head, it took me 11 full power swings before he stopped and realised what he was doing, he broke down crying, he was clearly distressed at what he had done and over the years he has lots of anger therapy and has never raised his hand to another human being since, to this day he still tells me i had a lot to do with that and i'm glad he did because we can still be friends now because i wouldn't give any time or respect to a woman-beater.

Bear Trapp
Community Member
4 years ago

"we can still be friends now because i wouldn't give any time or respect to a woman-beater." YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH A WOMAN BEATER

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Rixster
Community Member
4 years ago

It's amazing how say many people can willfully turn a blind eye and do nothing. For the first 10 years of my life, I grew up in an abusive home. On a couple of occassions, my father even took me and my brother and drove around with a pistol in his lap. I was too young to remember clearly the chain of events that led to these moments, but I have plenty of memories of having playtime turn to absolute terror in a flash. One time he tried to drag me into the car at a New Year's Eve party and before he got around to his door, I snuck out of the car and hid inside. Dozens of people there could've stopped it...They didn't. I had to make do for myself, and I was maybe 5 years old. Flash forward into adulthood, I'm having a conversation on the phone with my grandmother and mention the abuse of my father -- her son. I didn't expect it to be an easy conversation, but I presumed she'd go into it admitting she knew what was going on. But no; She didn't. We end the conversation, and she goes; "Wow

Rixster
Community Member
4 years ago

"I had no idea that happened.". Not in a sad or contrite way, though, but in a deliberately amused, unintentionally patronizing way. I still love her a ton -- but it goes to show what we'll allow. I assume her, and many others, deny it's happening to avoid having to confront their own complicity. Or more so, to avoid constraining their relationships with the abusers of whom they never have to find themselves the victims.

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Nora
Community Member
4 years ago

A very touching story. I am sorry you and your sisters had to undergo all that in a young age. Unfortunately, your mother, like most abused women, didn't have the courage to leave him or even to let him rot in jail. I am curious if you met your mother afterwards. Did you see her?

Joe Reaves
Community Member
4 years ago

Sadly, leaving is often the most dangerous time for a victim, especially if, as in this case, they have children and no support network. If she'd left who's to say he wouldn't have killed her and then the children might well have ended up living with him with no buffer between them and his violence? Without a support network, be that family and friends, or a charity, or the authorities working together to help the victim stay or go is often an impossible choice. Both are dangerous and no one knows until it's too late which is the more dangerous decision.

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Sharon Palmer
Community Member
4 years ago

Very eloquent, very heart breaking and very true I am sad to say. The old saying don't shoot the messenger is relevant to this, often those who do speak up are vilified either by the abusers or the victims trying to deflect the truth or through denial. I had this happen, a friends child secretly started a relationship with a "man" nearly twice their age that had been in jail for domestic violence. My child reported it and we weren't spoken to for a month, my daughter is still given dirty looks. I told her I was proud of her for doing what was right, trying to protect her friend from potentially the biggest mistake of her life. It didn't stop the relationship and she moved in with him but My daughter still calls the her to see if she is ok

Fairsher
Community Member
4 years ago

Lived almost the same life but managed to go back and live with my father after 1 year of hell with a stepfather. Beatings, guns, slaughtered pigs in the bathtub, animal abuse, on and on. Mother ran away but he always found us.She ended up having 3 kids with him before finally running far enough away. Sick man is in hell now !! Many of us have these life stories and yes, I think they are very likely mass killers in the wait.

Petra Christovová
Community Member
4 years ago

Jesus god, that sounds like a part from murderer Peter Kurten biography .. Stories like this always make me angry that such animals exist at all.

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Ana Mollet
Community Member
4 years ago

How do you help someone that doesn't want to be helped? How do you step in when you are told everything is fine?

Martha Stapp
Community Member
4 years ago

You can't help them personally. Do what needs to be done . Call police report it to DCF and move on.. You have done what needed to be done.

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Mibo Dumplings
Community Member
4 years ago

this a a beautifully written story filled with such sorrow. it's hard to believe that these things happen.

anarkzie
Community Member
4 years ago

Very sad that anyone would have to live through that.

Patrice van Es
Community Member
4 years ago

I found the courage to leave my ex when I had my daughter; I had grown up in a loving family so totally not accustomed to be being beaten, kicked or on occasion being strangled... My sister asked me; "Do you want to live like this for another 10 years?". Having my daughter and THAT question being asked, was the turning point for me. I finally left the fucker.

jsalzman
Community Member
4 years ago

So twice married single Mom of 3 picks up some random guy at the bowling alley, takes him home to bed, marries him shortly thereafter and then he violently abuses the family. He uses his fists, daughter sleeps with a butcher knife under her pillow and nobody is ever shot, but guns are the problem and are evil? Talk about twisted logic.

Heather Cowley
Community Member
4 years ago

Her step dad beat AND put her mom in the hospital without the use of a gun. I also grew up in a violent home, and we owned guns but they were never used on anyone even for a threat. My dad was what some might consider a “violent” man for half my life, and he had several rifles in his closet and was perfectly capable of picking them up to threaten or kill anyone of us at any time, but he never did. He is a perfect of example of how people kill people. Not all domestic abusers will use a gun to threaten, hurt, or kill someone. Not all killers or mass shooters have ever abused the people they live with or have shown their violent side. Not all psychopaths come with warning signs. This is a sad story but I don’t like that it’s been used to address issues issues other than domestic violence. I kept expecting her to reveal that her step dad shot up a place or something. “In the wake of the mass shooting in Vegas”? In no way is this sad story related to the tragic one of Vegas.

Kelly
Community Member
4 years ago

I did't allow my husband to hit me for a second time, I choose to divorce (lot of troubles I don't describe here). Her mother too, should have had the courage to fight for her life and family. Leave at once those who do not deserve our heart.

Jenn
Community Member
4 years ago

'Turning a blind eye' is such an old school ideal, I'm glad this is dying out. People need to speak up! No one should be a subject of violence of any kind. brilliant piece

scrappyrat
Community Member
4 years ago

Thank you for sharing this story. It couldn't have been easy. Just as we can help prevent mass shootings and similar crimes by being aware and taking action when we see the violence being committed against their family--the place where many of these killers get their start, we need to take action when we see people...children or adults...being violent or abusive toward animals. People who commit violent crimes, including domestic abuse, murders, serial murders, and mass killings very frequently get their start abusing animals. Cats, in particular, are favored victims for misogynist abusers/killers, but any animal can be a target whether the impetus is anger or the power trip of taking a life or terrorizing someone. Don't animal abuse pass unreported. If you see this kind of behavior beginning in your own child, please get them help. If your partner finds it funny to hurt animals, you are living with danger. Co-worker or classmate--it doesn't matter. Report it. Don't let it escalate.

Barbara Parker
Community Member
4 years ago

Crying. Beautifully written and absolutely heartbreaking. I will NEVER look away from this kind of thing. NEVER. I will make that call to Child Protective Services and the Police Department.

Zhio Nicola
Community Member
4 years ago

The worst part...sometime the victim thinks they deserve to take the beat.. To take the blame...that's me

Drive Bee
Community Member
4 years ago

You don't deserve that. No one does.

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robbie2499
Community Member
4 years ago

Tragic; yet common. To the writer Katherine Fugate, thank you for sharing your story. It's not easy to write for the world to read your intimate, sad, private secrets. I pray this essay helps at least one victim of domestic violence.

JillVille Child Care
Community Member
4 years ago

Wow. I am glad you survived, but sad for your mom to have put herself through that and not had the help she needed back then. Help that wasn't available because it was all in the closet - per say. Thank you for sharing this traumatic life experience and helping us to all see what is beyond little things, it pays to pay attention and it's going to pay in the future for scores of us to step up and ask someone, "Are you really OK? Do you need help?"

Kjorn
Community Member
4 years ago

i couldn't read it to the end... that's heartbreaking

Ann Mohrmann
Community Member
3 years ago

Ah, yes. That 'golden era' in the US where people kept their eyes averted and their mouths shut so they could more easily pretend that everything was okay - while other people, mostly women and children, suffered. And a bunch of older people are nostalgic for this era.

Corcaigh
Community Member
3 years ago

"Even if that second chance means giving him another bullet because he missed the first time." Wow. Extremely well written. I hope it helps make up the minds of those who can say or do something.

WhiteFox
Community Member
3 years ago

i had grown up in a violent household as well except with the mother playing role of the father in this story and although there isn't drinking or guns because im in australia, this is horrible, and we need to do something about domestic violence, we need to do something about this. Now.

Zoe Alliaume
Community Member
4 years ago

What happened to her sisters? Especially the one who ran away??

Celestia
Community Member
4 years ago

I'm 13 and wished I could act like you, but my mother can't even pull a dollar out her pocket.....and both of my parents are addicted to drugs

Anna Salerno
Community Member
4 years ago

I too grew up in a home where everyone knew. Back then everyone minded their own business. Today it is different. The schools are trained to report abuse and this was abuse that this poor girl lived through. My heart breaks for her. I came to terms with my own abuse but, it took years.

Allana Rose
Community Member
4 years ago

Just about all the men I knew growing up would be on that list. Including my own father then later on, step fathers. I grew up thinking this is how men were suppose to act. For yrs I would not date because I decided all men were mean and cruel. When I did date, I picked weak men who would never raise his hands to me but that did not work either. Finally, I grew older and wiser and then God put the perfect man in my life. He was a strong man but a gentle man as well. For him, I am grateful tho I know so many other women who are in bad relationships who do not leave, because they think there isn't anyone out there for them. Bad self esteem issues you see, born out of a domestic abuse suffered during childhood and so the cycle goes on.

Amanda Young
Community Member
4 years ago

My great grandmother was beaten, my grandma was beaten, my mother was beaten, I was beaten. My little sister will not be beaten. It stops with me.

Georgann Haeffner
Community Member
4 years ago

Good for you, Amanda. Break that generational curse!!

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Santino Marazzo
Community Member
4 years ago

Well my friends, it's not only men that abuse children. My mother was the meanest woman I have ever met. I was twelve when my father died, my hero. never was there any abuse from him. In the short years before he died, I saw the love my dad had for my mother and we were all happy. Then he died and things changed for me in a way that I am lucky to be alive today. I won't go into detail about the abuse suffered at the hands of my mother. However, I will say that if it wasn't for my aunt and uncle saving my life, I wouldn't be writing this comment. One more thing. The saying that anyone that has been abused in any way becomes an abuser, is totally wrong. An abuser can come from any walk of life. Man or woman. Rich or poor. Abused or not abused. It's what we do with our lives that count. Like be kind to people. Don't be so quick to judge others. I wish all man kind a happy life . I know I'm happy with mine.

Full Name
Community Member
4 years ago

What the hell is this doing on Bored Panda? This site is for baby animals and stupid things boyfriends do comics and photos of Iceland. This site is getting more and more into making statements, and I really hope the trend doesn't continue. There are enough sites to go to if you want to read about these issues but BP shouldn't be one of them. I have very serious concerns with very serious matters too, but I'd be shocked and irritated if BP took up the causes because that's not why people come to this site. There is a time and place and BP should be neither.

Jasmina Wetherley
Community Member
4 years ago

i have thought about why people would buy guns and kill innocent people in that way, but it makes sense how it happens with domestic violence and a history behind it. i honestly thought it was because they want power and control, even though they will get caught no matter how many ways you run away and lie and cover up the situation.

Elle Valentino
Community Member
4 years ago

Scary parallel to my story. I left when I was 16 too.

Poor unfortunate soul
Community Member
4 years ago

Omigod, story was incredibly sad, I hope that everyone who is facing this (or will face this) gets out of that situation

abbie
Community Member
4 years ago

My heart can't take this.

Janet Clarke
Community Member
4 years ago

I recommend reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It perfectly explains why and how caring, forgiving, otherwise rational women stay in long term relationships with abusers.

Chisai Lilly
Community Member
4 years ago

Well her reasoning is faulty in the fact that there probably were people who said things like "No man is worth that black eye" to her many times. It isn't like they didn't know but they also seen the ambulance there and cops many times...They also knew their words fell on deaf ears. There are shelters these days and she should have gone to one. Why should neighbors get involved when for sure his wrath would have come upon them and she would have bailed him like she always did and turn on her neighbor..They aren't thankful they stick up for their abusers until death in many cases...

Thomas Pahl
Community Member
4 years ago

Two thoughts: Did you reconnect with your sister? I hope so for you and her. Second...is there a statistical correlation between domestic abuse and mass murderer? It seems to me, without an analysis, that the mass murderers in the US are mostly loners, quiet nuts who go off the edge. A more likely connection might be animal abuse.

Pseudo Puppy
Community Member
4 years ago

IN SOLIDARITY, I STAND. <3 <3 <3 (for clarity: I stand with the author)

Allie Orona
Community Member
4 years ago

I'll be completely honest. I've was in a similar situation, growing up. And I wound up in an unhealthy relationship later on. Both times, I was later told how people were concerned for me, and concerned about the "controlling" habits. For my relationship, our friend group made jokes about DDLG (if you don't know what that is, I don't recommend looking it up. it's gross.) behind our backs, while "being concerned that he was controlling". Those same people talked about how awful it is that people are silent in the wake of issues, and those same people post on Tumblr and other sites about how people need to speak up about issues. If you're here and saying that it's wrong to keep it silent, please be certain that you are also speaking up. Many people speak ideals and don't actually live by them.

Georgann Haeffner
Community Member
4 years ago

Beautifully told. Thank you for helping us all have courage.

Tam Lee
Community Member
4 years ago

This is so relevant and hits very close to home for me. I was thrown out at 15-yrs. old. This sentence: "What we allow will continue. What continues will escalate. is THE best thing I have read in a very long time. I know it will continue to resonate inside of me for a very long time.

Emily Grace
Community Member
4 years ago

"Even if that second chance means giving him another bullet because he missed the first time."

Nina Oni
Community Member
4 years ago

This is horrible

Maggie Collins
Community Member
4 years ago

Another scary thing, when you grow up with violence your brain begins to think this is normal behavior. It is very common for kids who grow up with abuse will abuse after they go through puberty. I've always wondered why "we" don't say anything. Sexual abuse in my family was never mentioned. Do predators know this? EVERYONE is afraid to talk about it. Whether it is beatings or sexual or emotional. How do we stop this "clamping our mouths shut" culture? We certainly don't want it to continue, and yet we say nothing. Scary. I didn't say anything until I was an adult and he approached me again. Luckily I had a large butcher knife in my hand in the kitchen. I actually put it to his groin and threatened him in front of the whole family. No one said a word! They all knew. They had all known all that time. I realized that at that moment. After the shock and hurt and disappointment I walked out and never went back. I don't need people like that in my life today.

Georgann Haeffner
Community Member
4 years ago

Wow, Maggie. Good for you, to start a new life without abuse! Get the help you need and heal from all the abuse.

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Johnine McDowell
Community Member
4 years ago

When I was growing up I wished just one teacher would have asked me about how things were going at home?

Divadi Bear
Community Member
4 years ago

This man obviously suffered from Brainstorms, (a proven mental illness) when he drank alcohol it triggered the illness and increased the intensity of it. This is a well known medical fact. It mostly affects men and they do not have a long life, dying usually just before or after their 66 th, year. Such men are usually "over-sexed", demanding sexual intercourse from their partners at least once every day. Wives, daughters, female family members and or partners, (male or female), should watch for the signs and escape as soon as possible !

Petra Christovová
Community Member
4 years ago

What can I say? Obviously Bored Panda is meeting place of libtards. There is a story about abused girl, who decides to leave when she realises that her mad and agressive father brings gun to home. And in discussion everyone is like "guns are baaaaaad" or "gun baaaan". This is really sad. Why blame guns instead of that madman? This is the mentality that will bring doom to the western world.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Community Member
4 years ago

Wow. You are truly and profoundly fucktarded. Please be less so.

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TheMsLollidella
Community Member
4 years ago

This is so sad :( altho I never went thru something like this, my cousin did but it ended pretty bad. Many years ago she was in a abusive relationship, we couldn't help cuz we were in another country during the time when we just mailed Each other , but her fiance was abusive towards her. Her own mom found out and ended up killing him for hurting her daughter. Auntie was kinda....yea...she cut him up in small pieces and tried throwing away his body. We didn't know about any of this till months later my cousin had to tell the police the truth and her mom got jailed in the end but the system really isn't that great where they're from so auntie got out just a few years later. We haven't met them since.

Kate Swartz
Community Member
4 years ago

Wow that was very impactful. I was lucky enough to grow up in a safe and loving home. You're right the silence has to end.

Melissa Nunya
Community Member
4 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story

Gillian Black
Community Member
4 years ago

that is an amazing story and should be made more public in every country. what a brave person to do it and make a stand we all know we all see do something about it stand up for your neighbour, friend or someone you dont know, I have been in a similar situation years ago eyes averted even the church said I must have done something to deserve it, really beaten while pregnant I deserved it

Katie Pedelty
Community Member
4 years ago

So hard hitting, and what's scary is that it's so true, people like him are horrible, men or women. What really hit me was that this was a person in that home, right next to him, and no one said a thing

CM Blaser
Community Member
4 years ago

Courageous and all too familiar to too many. Well written and sad. May God bless you with peace in your coming days.

Monty Is Fiennes
Community Member
4 years ago

Compulsory reading....

Alter Nomen
Community Member
4 years ago

At the risk of appearing insensitive, this is all very "first world problems". Sure the story is heart-breaking, and skillfully written that way, but I don't see where anyone is to blame but the mother for her poor life choices. Living in a democracy where she could have left her violent husband, divorced and build a new life, all the while having the law on her side, why didn't she ?? Try imagining the reaction to this story from all those women stuck in societies where they are forced in marriage at young age and can't get out because of archaic and rigid laws and customs, no matter the husband's behaviour. They'd just be like wtf did i just read ??

Lynn Cai
Community Member
4 years ago

The mother is suffering from emotional abuse in the marriage, which is a psychological trap. People in situations similar to hers usually don't know when to get out because the abuser keeps on apologizing and making amends, only to start abusing once again. And then comes the apologies, and then goes the abuse. And it repeats. It's a vicious cycle that goes on and on, entrapping the victim and making it hard for him/her to break out of it.

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beauty-source
Community Member
4 years ago

This is so sad.

Jonathan Eatsalot
Community Member
4 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

tl:dr

Otis Spunkmeyer
Community Member
4 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Sad story, poorly written, that has nothing to do with mass shootings. A firearm in the right person's hands could have ended years of abuse in this family.

Elizabeth Molloy
Community Member
4 years ago

Beautifully written and very poignant. I grew up in a violent home, with a violent father. Thank goodness we don't have that gun culture in the UK.

Maureen Zappellini
Community Member
4 years ago

Yes the gun culture in the US is horrible- with defenders yelling how PEOPLE (not guns) are the problem and the money firmly on the NRA....there's little hope to truly illuminate the situation and change it for the better. But it doesn't stop with guns...the factor few people speak of is ALCOHOL. Alcohol is the lubricant- it gives angry people courage to let out their hidden monsters... Drinking is very dangerous when mental health is not stable.....

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Elaine Sokolov
Community Member
4 years ago

I grew up in Russia, where my father killed my mother and tried to kill me. I escaped with a gunshot in the leg. Now happily live with a husband and son in the UK. I hate to see this, makes me tear up.

Irene Walton
Community Member
4 years ago

I'm so sorry Elaine. (((Hugs)))

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Jonathan. S
Community Member
4 years ago

This is so sad. It makes you think "how the hell didn't other people do something about this obvious issue?!"

Daria B
Community Member
4 years ago

Because it takes courage to: 1. face a violent man; 2. get involved in other people's lives. Sad, but true. And we should work it out on ways to stop all this madness.

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Zenozenobee
Community Member
4 years ago

When I was 17, I was going back to my apartment late at night after a party. My parents were gone for the week end. I found my 15 years old sister putting her shoes and crying. She was planing to go search the building to "find out were the lady was". At first I didn't understand, we went quiet and the screams restart. A young woman was litteraly calling for help. We were living on the first floor so we went upstair to find the right door (4th floor). My sister hide herself and call the police while I knocked (I was not impressive, not trained, but the woman was still calling for help). A huge man opened the door, told me "she" was in the kitchen and left. We stayed with her until the police shoed up 15 minutes later. The guy never went back.In a calm neighborwood, 7 floors, 2 apartments by floor with "fathers" in most of them, only two teenagers react

Zenozenobee
Community Member
4 years ago

We could definitivly have make it safer for us, maybe by knocking to other doors to go upstairs with back up. But after that you start to think: if it had been me, if it had been one of my precious sisters? you just realise you can't count on help from your neighbors...

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Luiza Kobelus
Community Member
4 years ago

My eyes filled with tears:( Domestic violence happens all over the world. It´s distressing...

anarkzie
Community Member
4 years ago

Reading the comments, a lot of people are saying that it's bad that people did not step in etc, I'm not disagreeing with this but what exactly can a person on the outside do? Until the mum or any woman(man in some cases) in this situation decides that she's going to leave the abuser then you are powerless to intervene. I'm not defending or blaming anyone, I would really like to hear what people think could be done that could make a constructive change to help bring someone out of a situation like this.

Shana
Community Member
4 years ago

It's difficult, but you are right. You can't help someone when they do not want to be helped. (Applies to more cases other than domestic violence.) I mean if you think or are convinced a neighbour or familymember or anyone is a victim of abuse/domestic violence/... you can call the cops or one of those organisations, but if that person then pretends everything is ok...

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Melody Lanzatella
Community Member
4 years ago

It is just amazing to me that her mother thought it was okay to meet this guy in a bar and bring him directly home with her and in contact with her children! I am about the same age. My mother used to do the same thing....drunkenly bring different men home, have sex with them, then pass out. Not all of them then came into MY room in the middle of the night, but some did. She DIRECTLY put me in the line of fire of men she didnt know! Many that were pedophiles. Maybe in the bar while drinking with them she told them she had kids! It's disgusting!

Georgann Haeffner
Community Member
4 years ago

I'm so sad you had to go through that, and hope that time and counseling have brought some healing.

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coffee zombie
Community Member
4 years ago

This took me back to those childhood years I don't like revisiting but it's beautifully written and hopefully people will be more motivated to stand against abuse and leave abusive relationships.

Tracy Sellars
Community Member
4 years ago

And hopefully it will encourage others to get involved and help support those that need to get out.

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DopethronePunkUK
Community Member
4 years ago

I have a close friend of many years who got into an argument with his girlfriend once and he started to hit her repeatedly with a closed fist, this is in no way acceptable for a man to do and as the friend was a big guy and very angry at the time the only thing i could do to stop him was hit him full pelt with my skateboard to the back of his head, it took me 11 full power swings before he stopped and realised what he was doing, he broke down crying, he was clearly distressed at what he had done and over the years he has lots of anger therapy and has never raised his hand to another human being since, to this day he still tells me i had a lot to do with that and i'm glad he did because we can still be friends now because i wouldn't give any time or respect to a woman-beater.

Bear Trapp
Community Member
4 years ago

"we can still be friends now because i wouldn't give any time or respect to a woman-beater." YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH A WOMAN BEATER

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Rixster
Community Member
4 years ago

It's amazing how say many people can willfully turn a blind eye and do nothing. For the first 10 years of my life, I grew up in an abusive home. On a couple of occassions, my father even took me and my brother and drove around with a pistol in his lap. I was too young to remember clearly the chain of events that led to these moments, but I have plenty of memories of having playtime turn to absolute terror in a flash. One time he tried to drag me into the car at a New Year's Eve party and before he got around to his door, I snuck out of the car and hid inside. Dozens of people there could've stopped it...They didn't. I had to make do for myself, and I was maybe 5 years old. Flash forward into adulthood, I'm having a conversation on the phone with my grandmother and mention the abuse of my father -- her son. I didn't expect it to be an easy conversation, but I presumed she'd go into it admitting she knew what was going on. But no; She didn't. We end the conversation, and she goes; "Wow

Rixster
Community Member
4 years ago

"I had no idea that happened.". Not in a sad or contrite way, though, but in a deliberately amused, unintentionally patronizing way. I still love her a ton -- but it goes to show what we'll allow. I assume her, and many others, deny it's happening to avoid having to confront their own complicity. Or more so, to avoid constraining their relationships with the abusers of whom they never have to find themselves the victims.

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Nora
Community Member
4 years ago

A very touching story. I am sorry you and your sisters had to undergo all that in a young age. Unfortunately, your mother, like most abused women, didn't have the courage to leave him or even to let him rot in jail. I am curious if you met your mother afterwards. Did you see her?

Joe Reaves
Community Member
4 years ago

Sadly, leaving is often the most dangerous time for a victim, especially if, as in this case, they have children and no support network. If she'd left who's to say he wouldn't have killed her and then the children might well have ended up living with him with no buffer between them and his violence? Without a support network, be that family and friends, or a charity, or the authorities working together to help the victim stay or go is often an impossible choice. Both are dangerous and no one knows until it's too late which is the more dangerous decision.

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Sharon Palmer
Community Member
4 years ago

Very eloquent, very heart breaking and very true I am sad to say. The old saying don't shoot the messenger is relevant to this, often those who do speak up are vilified either by the abusers or the victims trying to deflect the truth or through denial. I had this happen, a friends child secretly started a relationship with a "man" nearly twice their age that had been in jail for domestic violence. My child reported it and we weren't spoken to for a month, my daughter is still given dirty looks. I told her I was proud of her for doing what was right, trying to protect her friend from potentially the biggest mistake of her life. It didn't stop the relationship and she moved in with him but My daughter still calls the her to see if she is ok

Fairsher
Community Member
4 years ago

Lived almost the same life but managed to go back and live with my father after 1 year of hell with a stepfather. Beatings, guns, slaughtered pigs in the bathtub, animal abuse, on and on. Mother ran away but he always found us.She ended up having 3 kids with him before finally running far enough away. Sick man is in hell now !! Many of us have these life stories and yes, I think they are very likely mass killers in the wait.

Petra Christovová
Community Member
4 years ago

Jesus god, that sounds like a part from murderer Peter Kurten biography .. Stories like this always make me angry that such animals exist at all.

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Ana Mollet
Community Member
4 years ago

How do you help someone that doesn't want to be helped? How do you step in when you are told everything is fine?

Martha Stapp
Community Member
4 years ago

You can't help them personally. Do what needs to be done . Call police report it to DCF and move on.. You have done what needed to be done.

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Mibo Dumplings
Community Member
4 years ago

this a a beautifully written story filled with such sorrow. it's hard to believe that these things happen.

anarkzie
Community Member
4 years ago

Very sad that anyone would have to live through that.

Patrice van Es
Community Member
4 years ago

I found the courage to leave my ex when I had my daughter; I had grown up in a loving family so totally not accustomed to be being beaten, kicked or on occasion being strangled... My sister asked me; "Do you want to live like this for another 10 years?". Having my daughter and THAT question being asked, was the turning point for me. I finally left the fucker.

jsalzman
Community Member
4 years ago

So twice married single Mom of 3 picks up some random guy at the bowling alley, takes him home to bed, marries him shortly thereafter and then he violently abuses the family. He uses his fists, daughter sleeps with a butcher knife under her pillow and nobody is ever shot, but guns are the problem and are evil? Talk about twisted logic.

Heather Cowley
Community Member
4 years ago

Her step dad beat AND put her mom in the hospital without the use of a gun. I also grew up in a violent home, and we owned guns but they were never used on anyone even for a threat. My dad was what some might consider a “violent” man for half my life, and he had several rifles in his closet and was perfectly capable of picking them up to threaten or kill anyone of us at any time, but he never did. He is a perfect of example of how people kill people. Not all domestic abusers will use a gun to threaten, hurt, or kill someone. Not all killers or mass shooters have ever abused the people they live with or have shown their violent side. Not all psychopaths come with warning signs. This is a sad story but I don’t like that it’s been used to address issues issues other than domestic violence. I kept expecting her to reveal that her step dad shot up a place or something. “In the wake of the mass shooting in Vegas”? In no way is this sad story related to the tragic one of Vegas.

Kelly
Community Member
4 years ago

I did't allow my husband to hit me for a second time, I choose to divorce (lot of troubles I don't describe here). Her mother too, should have had the courage to fight for her life and family. Leave at once those who do not deserve our heart.

Jenn
Community Member
4 years ago

'Turning a blind eye' is such an old school ideal, I'm glad this is dying out. People need to speak up! No one should be a subject of violence of any kind. brilliant piece

scrappyrat
Community Member
4 years ago

Thank you for sharing this story. It couldn't have been easy. Just as we can help prevent mass shootings and similar crimes by being aware and taking action when we see the violence being committed against their family--the place where many of these killers get their start, we need to take action when we see people...children or adults...being violent or abusive toward animals. People who commit violent crimes, including domestic abuse, murders, serial murders, and mass killings very frequently get their start abusing animals. Cats, in particular, are favored victims for misogynist abusers/killers, but any animal can be a target whether the impetus is anger or the power trip of taking a life or terrorizing someone. Don't animal abuse pass unreported. If you see this kind of behavior beginning in your own child, please get them help. If your partner finds it funny to hurt animals, you are living with danger. Co-worker or classmate--it doesn't matter. Report it. Don't let it escalate.

Barbara Parker
Community Member
4 years ago

Crying. Beautifully written and absolutely heartbreaking. I will NEVER look away from this kind of thing. NEVER. I will make that call to Child Protective Services and the Police Department.

Zhio Nicola
Community Member
4 years ago

The worst part...sometime the victim thinks they deserve to take the beat.. To take the blame...that's me

Drive Bee
Community Member
4 years ago

You don't deserve that. No one does.

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robbie2499
Community Member
4 years ago

Tragic; yet common. To the writer Katherine Fugate, thank you for sharing your story. It's not easy to write for the world to read your intimate, sad, private secrets. I pray this essay helps at least one victim of domestic violence.

JillVille Child Care
Community Member
4 years ago

Wow. I am glad you survived, but sad for your mom to have put herself through that and not had the help she needed back then. Help that wasn't available because it was all in the closet - per say. Thank you for sharing this traumatic life experience and helping us to all see what is beyond little things, it pays to pay attention and it's going to pay in the future for scores of us to step up and ask someone, "Are you really OK? Do you need help?"

Kjorn
Community Member
4 years ago

i couldn't read it to the end... that's heartbreaking

Ann Mohrmann
Community Member
3 years ago

Ah, yes. That 'golden era' in the US where people kept their eyes averted and their mouths shut so they could more easily pretend that everything was okay - while other people, mostly women and children, suffered. And a bunch of older people are nostalgic for this era.

Corcaigh
Community Member
3 years ago

"Even if that second chance means giving him another bullet because he missed the first time." Wow. Extremely well written. I hope it helps make up the minds of those who can say or do something.

WhiteFox
Community Member
3 years ago

i had grown up in a violent household as well except with the mother playing role of the father in this story and although there isn't drinking or guns because im in australia, this is horrible, and we need to do something about domestic violence, we need to do something about this. Now.

Zoe Alliaume
Community Member
4 years ago

What happened to her sisters? Especially the one who ran away??

Celestia
Community Member
4 years ago

I'm 13 and wished I could act like you, but my mother can't even pull a dollar out her pocket.....and both of my parents are addicted to drugs

Anna Salerno
Community Member
4 years ago

I too grew up in a home where everyone knew. Back then everyone minded their own business. Today it is different. The schools are trained to report abuse and this was abuse that this poor girl lived through. My heart breaks for her. I came to terms with my own abuse but, it took years.

Allana Rose
Community Member
4 years ago

Just about all the men I knew growing up would be on that list. Including my own father then later on, step fathers. I grew up thinking this is how men were suppose to act. For yrs I would not date because I decided all men were mean and cruel. When I did date, I picked weak men who would never raise his hands to me but that did not work either. Finally, I grew older and wiser and then God put the perfect man in my life. He was a strong man but a gentle man as well. For him, I am grateful tho I know so many other women who are in bad relationships who do not leave, because they think there isn't anyone out there for them. Bad self esteem issues you see, born out of a domestic abuse suffered during childhood and so the cycle goes on.

Amanda Young
Community Member
4 years ago

My great grandmother was beaten, my grandma was beaten, my mother was beaten, I was beaten. My little sister will not be beaten. It stops with me.

Georgann Haeffner
Community Member
4 years ago

Good for you, Amanda. Break that generational curse!!

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Santino Marazzo
Community Member
4 years ago

Well my friends, it's not only men that abuse children. My mother was the meanest woman I have ever met. I was twelve when my father died, my hero. never was there any abuse from him. In the short years before he died, I saw the love my dad had for my mother and we were all happy. Then he died and things changed for me in a way that I am lucky to be alive today. I won't go into detail about the abuse suffered at the hands of my mother. However, I will say that if it wasn't for my aunt and uncle saving my life, I wouldn't be writing this comment. One more thing. The saying that anyone that has been abused in any way becomes an abuser, is totally wrong. An abuser can come from any walk of life. Man or woman. Rich or poor. Abused or not abused. It's what we do with our lives that count. Like be kind to people. Don't be so quick to judge others. I wish all man kind a happy life . I know I'm happy with mine.

Full Name
Community Member
4 years ago

What the hell is this doing on Bored Panda? This site is for baby animals and stupid things boyfriends do comics and photos of Iceland. This site is getting more and more into making statements, and I really hope the trend doesn't continue. There are enough sites to go to if you want to read about these issues but BP shouldn't be one of them. I have very serious concerns with very serious matters too, but I'd be shocked and irritated if BP took up the causes because that's not why people come to this site. There is a time and place and BP should be neither.

Jasmina Wetherley
Community Member
4 years ago

i have thought about why people would buy guns and kill innocent people in that way, but it makes sense how it happens with domestic violence and a history behind it. i honestly thought it was because they want power and control, even though they will get caught no matter how many ways you run away and lie and cover up the situation.

Elle Valentino
Community Member
4 years ago

Scary parallel to my story. I left when I was 16 too.

Poor unfortunate soul
Community Member
4 years ago

Omigod, story was incredibly sad, I hope that everyone who is facing this (or will face this) gets out of that situation

abbie
Community Member
4 years ago

My heart can't take this.

Janet Clarke
Community Member
4 years ago

I recommend reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It perfectly explains why and how caring, forgiving, otherwise rational women stay in long term relationships with abusers.

Chisai Lilly
Community Member
4 years ago

Well her reasoning is faulty in the fact that there probably were people who said things like "No man is worth that black eye" to her many times. It isn't like they didn't know but they also seen the ambulance there and cops many times...They also knew their words fell on deaf ears. There are shelters these days and she should have gone to one. Why should neighbors get involved when for sure his wrath would have come upon them and she would have bailed him like she always did and turn on her neighbor..They aren't thankful they stick up for their abusers until death in many cases...

Thomas Pahl
Community Member
4 years ago

Two thoughts: Did you reconnect with your sister? I hope so for you and her. Second...is there a statistical correlation between domestic abuse and mass murderer? It seems to me, without an analysis, that the mass murderers in the US are mostly loners, quiet nuts who go off the edge. A more likely connection might be animal abuse.

Pseudo Puppy
Community Member
4 years ago

IN SOLIDARITY, I STAND. <3 <3 <3 (for clarity: I stand with the author)

Allie Orona
Community Member
4 years ago

I'll be completely honest. I've was in a similar situation, growing up. And I wound up in an unhealthy relationship later on. Both times, I was later told how people were concerned for me, and concerned about the "controlling" habits. For my relationship, our friend group made jokes about DDLG (if you don't know what that is, I don't recommend looking it up. it's gross.) behind our backs, while "being concerned that he was controlling". Those same people talked about how awful it is that people are silent in the wake of issues, and those same people post on Tumblr and other sites about how people need to speak up about issues. If you're here and saying that it's wrong to keep it silent, please be certain that you are also speaking up. Many people speak ideals and don't actually live by them.

Georgann Haeffner
Community Member
4 years ago

Beautifully told. Thank you for helping us all have courage.

Tam Lee
Community Member
4 years ago

This is so relevant and hits very close to home for me. I was thrown out at 15-yrs. old. This sentence: "What we allow will continue. What continues will escalate. is THE best thing I have read in a very long time. I know it will continue to resonate inside of me for a very long time.

Emily Grace
Community Member
4 years ago

"Even if that second chance means giving him another bullet because he missed the first time."

Nina Oni
Community Member
4 years ago

This is horrible

Maggie Collins
Community Member
4 years ago

Another scary thing, when you grow up with violence your brain begins to think this is normal behavior. It is very common for kids who grow up with abuse will abuse after they go through puberty. I've always wondered why "we" don't say anything. Sexual abuse in my family was never mentioned. Do predators know this? EVERYONE is afraid to talk about it. Whether it is beatings or sexual or emotional. How do we stop this "clamping our mouths shut" culture? We certainly don't want it to continue, and yet we say nothing. Scary. I didn't say anything until I was an adult and he approached me again. Luckily I had a large butcher knife in my hand in the kitchen. I actually put it to his groin and threatened him in front of the whole family. No one said a word! They all knew. They had all known all that time. I realized that at that moment. After the shock and hurt and disappointment I walked out and never went back. I don't need people like that in my life today.

Georgann Haeffner
Community Member
4 years ago

Wow, Maggie. Good for you, to start a new life without abuse! Get the help you need and heal from all the abuse.

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Johnine McDowell
Community Member
4 years ago

When I was growing up I wished just one teacher would have asked me about how things were going at home?

Divadi Bear
Community Member
4 years ago

This man obviously suffered from Brainstorms, (a proven mental illness) when he drank alcohol it triggered the illness and increased the intensity of it. This is a well known medical fact. It mostly affects men and they do not have a long life, dying usually just before or after their 66 th, year. Such men are usually "over-sexed", demanding sexual intercourse from their partners at least once every day. Wives, daughters, female family members and or partners, (male or female), should watch for the signs and escape as soon as possible !

Petra Christovová
Community Member
4 years ago

What can I say? Obviously Bored Panda is meeting place of libtards. There is a story about abused girl, who decides to leave when she realises that her mad and agressive father brings gun to home. And in discussion everyone is like "guns are baaaaaad" or "gun baaaan". This is really sad. Why blame guns instead of that madman? This is the mentality that will bring doom to the western world.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Community Member
4 years ago

Wow. You are truly and profoundly fucktarded. Please be less so.

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TheMsLollidella
Community Member
4 years ago

This is so sad :( altho I never went thru something like this, my cousin did but it ended pretty bad. Many years ago she was in a abusive relationship, we couldn't help cuz we were in another country during the time when we just mailed Each other , but her fiance was abusive towards her. Her own mom found out and ended up killing him for hurting her daughter. Auntie was kinda....yea...she cut him up in small pieces and tried throwing away his body. We didn't know about any of this till months later my cousin had to tell the police the truth and her mom got jailed in the end but the system really isn't that great where they're from so auntie got out just a few years later. We haven't met them since.

Kate Swartz
Community Member
4 years ago

Wow that was very impactful. I was lucky enough to grow up in a safe and loving home. You're right the silence has to end.

Melissa Nunya
Community Member
4 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story

Gillian Black
Community Member
4 years ago

that is an amazing story and should be made more public in every country. what a brave person to do it and make a stand we all know we all see do something about it stand up for your neighbour, friend or someone you dont know, I have been in a similar situation years ago eyes averted even the church said I must have done something to deserve it, really beaten while pregnant I deserved it

Katie Pedelty
Community Member
4 years ago

So hard hitting, and what's scary is that it's so true, people like him are horrible, men or women. What really hit me was that this was a person in that home, right next to him, and no one said a thing

CM Blaser
Community Member
4 years ago

Courageous and all too familiar to too many. Well written and sad. May God bless you with peace in your coming days.

Monty Is Fiennes
Community Member
4 years ago

Compulsory reading....

Alter Nomen
Community Member
4 years ago

At the risk of appearing insensitive, this is all very "first world problems". Sure the story is heart-breaking, and skillfully written that way, but I don't see where anyone is to blame but the mother for her poor life choices. Living in a democracy where she could have left her violent husband, divorced and build a new life, all the while having the law on her side, why didn't she ?? Try imagining the reaction to this story from all those women stuck in societies where they are forced in marriage at young age and can't get out because of archaic and rigid laws and customs, no matter the husband's behaviour. They'd just be like wtf did i just read ??

Lynn Cai
Community Member
4 years ago

The mother is suffering from emotional abuse in the marriage, which is a psychological trap. People in situations similar to hers usually don't know when to get out because the abuser keeps on apologizing and making amends, only to start abusing once again. And then comes the apologies, and then goes the abuse. And it repeats. It's a vicious cycle that goes on and on, entrapping the victim and making it hard for him/her to break out of it.

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beauty-source
Community Member
4 years ago

This is so sad.

Jonathan Eatsalot
Community Member
4 years ago

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tl:dr

Otis Spunkmeyer
Community Member
4 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Sad story, poorly written, that has nothing to do with mass shootings. A firearm in the right person's hands could have ended years of abuse in this family.

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