Deaf Daughter Begs Parents To Learn Sign Language For Years, Finally Gives Them An Ultimatum After They Refuse Yet Again
Accidents can change the fates of entire families. And you would expect that when a loved one manages to survive, their relatives would give them all the support that they need, no matter what it might look like. However, it seems that in some cases, miracles don’t extend that far.
Reddit user u/basketsoftough shared how she was finally driven to give her parents an ultimatum. The deaf woman lost her hearing when she was in a major accident when she was 18. Over the years, she did her best to convince her parents to learn American Sign Language, ASL, to help them all communicate better.
Alas, it was all in vain. Finally, she had enough and called them out for not wanting to put in a bit of extra effort for her sake. They weren’t too happy about it and the redditor turned to the AITA community for a verdict on who was right and who was wrong. Scroll down to read the full story in the redditor’s own words.
The woman shared how she came to terms with losing her hearing after an accident
Image credits: Gabrielle Henderson (not an actual photo)
However, getting her parents to learn sign language was proving to be more difficult than she anticipated
Image credits: Jo Hilton (not an actual photo)
Image credits: Glenn Carstens-Peters (not an actual photo)
Things finally came to a head over the holidays. The woman gave her parents an ultimatum
Redditor u/basketsoftough lost her hearing after suffering a traumatic brain injury, also known as a concussion. She had a very tough battle on her hands. Fortunately, she persevered, overcame depression, and now, at 26 years old, feels content with her life. However, one area that she wishes would be different is her relationship with her parents.
Whenever she visits them, they communicate via voice-to-text on their phones. It’s confusing for the deaf redditor. Meanwhile, her parents get frustrated when she struggles to follow all the conversations.
Another issue that really got to us is the fact that her parents would refuse to put on captions when they’re watching movies together.
Things came to a head during the holidays. The redditor finally had enough and stated that she wouldn’t be visiting her parents anymore until they started learning ASL. She’d provided them a lot of information and resources about deafness and sign language over the years. But her parents always felt like it’s too much effort to learn a new language.
Now it seems like her mom, dad, and brother are all against her. However, the vast majority of the AITA community on Reddit thought that she was clearly in the right. But what do you think of the situation, dear Pandas? Is there anything that you would have done differently? What do you think it would take to convince the parents to learn ASL? Share your thoughts in the comments.
How quickly someone learns ASL depends a lot on the person themselves. Someone who enjoys learning new languages or has a lot of free time to dedicate themselves to a new project will obviously pick ASL up a lot quicker than a person who has no interest, very little time, and feels forced.
The Language Doctors write that some sign language classes can take up to six weeks to complete while others are self-paced. This means that there’s a lot of variety and people can adapt their learning pace to their particular lifestyle.
“Overall, it can take several years of regular study and practice to become fluent in sign language. It may take from three months to three years to learn sign language. Moreover, it’s all about your learning goal setting, and it all depends on your end goal,” they explain.
“Likewise, you can continue taking sign language classes for several years if your end goal is to become fluent and expert. Alternatively, you may pick up some basic signs, and it may only take a few months. Remember that individual students have a different learning curve, so don’t get frustrated if you need more time than others.”
According to The Language Doctors, learning ASL isn’t any more difficult than learning a spoken language. And the benefits are very wide. Aside from now being able to communicate better with the deaf and hard-of-hearing wherever you might be in the US, you can be proud that you’ve developed a new skill that can benefit you professionally. What’s more, learning ASL can also sharpen your mind and increase your fine motor skills. However, at the end of the day, the biggest reward would be for parents to talk to their children.
Reddit users were fully in support of the deaf woman. Here’s what they had to say
What's up with the parents? Do they think the deafness is just going to go away? That they think the OP will be able to hear if she just tries hard enough? Are they in denial or something?
If I had to guess, they probably feel the same way about her deafness as they do about captions; "it's annoying." Poor woman had a hard way to learn how conditional her family's love is. :(
Load More Replies...I can't wrap my mind around that they can't even be bothered to turn on the captions! WTFF? It is such a barest minimum effort (like using the toilet instead of peeing right where you stand, don't hit your kid over the head with a frying pan, etc.)
I'm deaf in one ear. I wear a hearing aid. My parents are starting to be supportive of it when they realized it helped me communicate with them and my work. They already said they'd learn ASL if I become deaf where my hearing aids don't work anymore. My coworkers speak louder when around me. In the morning meetings at work they leave an empty chair in the front. The parents are pricks!
When my Grandmother's hearing was going, she had a cat who would purr extra loud. We grandchildren loved to 'start' the cat. lol. She sounded like a small outboard motor for a boat. Her whole body would vibrate too. Glad to hear you have supportive people in your life. :-)
Load More Replies...I can’t even imagine…. To have your life altered in your young adult life with a disability, then compounded by unsupportive parents. I would learn ASL for my daughter if circumstances called for it… no questions asked.
Seriously. I would learn ASL if any of my daughters asked me to, just because they were interested in it and for no other reason!
Load More Replies...I mean if they don't think they have time to learn ASL then fine. That's their choice after all. But not turning on the captions, and not even trying to find a better way to communicate makes them the AH.
There is no way they don't have time. I spent 10 minutes or so a day learning ASL with my daughter. Even after just a couple weeks, I could at least ask my daughter if she was hungry/thirsty, tell her I love her, let her know Daddy is home soon, and ask if she needed her stuffed kitty. It breaks my heart to hear about parents who willingly miss out on being able to communicate with their child in their child's language.
Load More Replies...Appalling. If their child had ended up in a wheelchair, I suspect that they would have told her that putting in a ramp is too much trouble and she could find her own way up the stairs if she wants to visit. And putting on closed captions is something that actually benefits everyone. I have a profound hearing loss and use them all the time, and my wife finds them helpful when movies have people whispering or have noise in the background.
Yeah, her folks are wrong for that. What's wrong with educating yourself so you can communicate with your child?
I don't get it. If I had gone deaf, my Mom would probably have started learning sign language before I was out of the hospital. My Dad too, if only in his spare time (he worked ALOT when I was younger). Wtf people?!?
What the hell, parent's didn't have time to learn sign language? They won't even turn caption on? And then get mad when their daughter can't keep up with conversation? Sounds incredibly toxic.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...*takes a deep breath*...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK them.
It honestly sounds like her parents are in denial - maybe they are hoping that by making being deaf ridiculously inconvenient, she will miraculously 'decide' to to start hearing again
If they have time to watch a movie they have time to learn to talk to their child. If something is important you'll find time for it.
I know these types of obvious Not The Asshole-types of AITAs are more about them wanting to just double check that what they did was fine. But, frankly they're pretty boring to read because it's obvious the OP is not at fault.
I'm currently toying with learning BSL and a deaf relative would absolutely be the kick up the rear I need to get on with it. To be honest, I'd see this as an opportunity to learn something new and connect with a relative, rather than an inconvenient burden. I don't understand the parents' attitude at all.
Surely they should want to be able to communicate properly with their daughter?!!
Totally NTA-Wow, parents are in huge denial about OP's hearing loss. If they turned the captions on, they'd have to admit that OP is hearing-impaired. They had time in the last 8 years to learn ASL. They just don't want to admit what's really going on. The brother should understand and realize OP can't communicate with them and they refuse to do anything to help. They're awful people!
The subtitles thing is just way beyond. My best friend growing up had a deaf brother, and they always had subtitles on when watching TV. I found I really liked it, and always turn mine on. When I watch TV with other people (which is quite a bit) I always ask if they care about subtitles and usually they don't really care so they'll turn them on.. and quite often, they become another lifelong convert. I know they annoy some people (my parents among them) and since I'm not hard of hearing I never push it with those people. But the vast majority of people, in my experience, actually prefer subtitles once they've tried them. (Except for some comedy formats, when the subtitles occasionally show up before the punchline and interfere with comedic timing.) Not being willing to turn on captions for your OWN CHILD who is DEAF is just ludicrous.
What kind of c*nt does not turn on captions for a deaf co-watcher?? That is just so f**cking rude!! Not to mention yelling at someone for not following a conversation they cannot follow. how ableist and selfish is that?
Communication is not *part* of a relationship. Communication *is* the relationship.
People who won’t learn ASL suck. People will literally volunteer to teach you when you want to learn.Granted I was exposed to signing at a young age and therefore love it but really we’re all pissed off that they won’t bother to turn on the closed captions. I just wanna smack them.
This is so terrible, it almost sounds like a fake, made- up story. Wow, completely unbelievable.
Sadly if you meet a lot of deaf people you’ll learn that this is how family acts for the majority plus if they are deaf when they are younger many are targeted by child molesters since they’re not as able to tattle.
Load More Replies...Everyone should learn ASL. You could talk in a bar or at a concert without having to yell, or across a room. Older people who are losing their hearing often feel extremely isolated, and literally 10% of the population (roughly) is deaf. Why the hell are we not all learning it in school?
NTA. Your family, which sadly includes your brother, have no respect for your condition or the difficulties you have faced/continue to face. They have no interest in helping you be more comfortable, or even that you're included in a conversation. Sadly, your family don't love you enough to want to try. I'm not saying they don't love you at all, but the tragic fact is many parents/families don't have the "i LIVE for my child!" attitude where they would do anything and everything to help and support you - and your family seems to be that way. You may need to just walk your own path away from them and into a more supportive group of people. I hope you find them, and the love you should be getting from your relatives. Good luck.
I'd love to learn BSL but idk anyone who's deaf and i don't have any motivation. And idk what recourses I'd use because I'm terrible at languages
That beggers belief, you lose your hearing and they can't be bothered to learn sign language in order to communicate. I wonder if they'll understand the big finger and a wave as she leaves. My child had speech delays, 1st thing I did was learn sign so we could both communicate. It's not rocket science!
What parent refuses to do EVERYTHING they can to communicate with their child? That’s just sick. I know if my daughter suddenly became deaf, my entire extended family would be learning ASL. My heart breaks for you.
I don't have any family who are deaf but have learnt some English sign. I can spell and know a few signs. I think that your family are nothing but a group of selfish beings. You have done the right thing. Keep going girl
I watch tv/films with my dad with the captions on and he's only hard of hearing. I'm sometimes do it alone because you sometimes get some info that isn't readily available if you are only listening. There's also foreign language films. As much as I like old school badly dubbed Godzilla movies I also enjoy the originals with English subtitles.
As an ASL Interpreter for over 10 years I have seen this behavior in parents all too often, I have had hearing parents thank me for allowing them to be able to communicate with their children now (both young and adult children) with tears in their eyes. All I wanted to tell them was how much they could have communicated with their children themselves if they had only tried, but no, they didn't; me, a complete stranger had more of a connection with their family than they did. I feel so very sad for this girl, but I know that the Deaf community can be the supportive family that her parents could not be. That is the silver lining.
Ignore your brother, he's also an AH. I'm sorry your parents are so stubborn. I think one commenter is right, they're in denial. Personally, I think they believe your hearing will come back, so to them it's wasted time to learn ASL. I hope you can get through, but sometimes, family isn't blood, it's people who accept you and love you just the way you are.
A weird blessing in disguise? A perfect opportunity to cut off thre family i say, the brotjer included. Entitled morons.
Wow they even don't want to turn captions in movies for their deaf daughter? Even this tiny "annoyance"? What a sh**parents.
I wonder if she could find a text to speech app that would translate what she said in a different language, and the feign not understanding why they don't understand what she is saying... Or maybe download a program that emits a really awful sound, or sounds to use whenever she can't keep up with too many people talking, or the tech can't keep up. Something loud and harsh like an emergency alert or air raid, sounds of flatulence, sounds of someone puking, nails on chalkboard. Weaponized their hearing ability against them. And she should totally play an obnoxious game on her phone at full volume while they watch a movie without the subtitles. They should feel inconvenienced. And left out, as she should have a pleasant video call signing with someone who makes her laugh. If they can't empathize, then make no further effort to communicate that isn't signing.
Sadly, it's the case with lots of H parents of D kids. I've seen it in action. Not my family - we sign for our Deaf child, because we love her more than we dislike her disability.
For some reason it seems like the parents believe if they ignore their daughter's hearing loss it will not affect anyone. Do they feel guilty they couldn't prevent it? Whatever their reason, they are very cruel. To not learn her new language is tragic. To refuse to use closed captioning is bizarre. They probably wouldn't agree to go, but family therapy could help. Did someone imply this is a cry for attention and not real deafness? The OP is handling her changed circumstances with great courage and confidence. They should be so proud of her.
Sometimes ultimatums are the only way to get people to stop being idiots. Every other way is just enabling people to walk all over you. Hope it works out for OP. (Honestly them yelling at OP for not being able to follow along made me the angriest) I wonder if having them watch a foreign film (Amelie is a good one) without the subtitles would teach them what it's like.
What's up with the parents? Do they think the deafness is just going to go away? That they think the OP will be able to hear if she just tries hard enough? Are they in denial or something?
If I had to guess, they probably feel the same way about her deafness as they do about captions; "it's annoying." Poor woman had a hard way to learn how conditional her family's love is. :(
Load More Replies...I can't wrap my mind around that they can't even be bothered to turn on the captions! WTFF? It is such a barest minimum effort (like using the toilet instead of peeing right where you stand, don't hit your kid over the head with a frying pan, etc.)
I'm deaf in one ear. I wear a hearing aid. My parents are starting to be supportive of it when they realized it helped me communicate with them and my work. They already said they'd learn ASL if I become deaf where my hearing aids don't work anymore. My coworkers speak louder when around me. In the morning meetings at work they leave an empty chair in the front. The parents are pricks!
When my Grandmother's hearing was going, she had a cat who would purr extra loud. We grandchildren loved to 'start' the cat. lol. She sounded like a small outboard motor for a boat. Her whole body would vibrate too. Glad to hear you have supportive people in your life. :-)
Load More Replies...I can’t even imagine…. To have your life altered in your young adult life with a disability, then compounded by unsupportive parents. I would learn ASL for my daughter if circumstances called for it… no questions asked.
Seriously. I would learn ASL if any of my daughters asked me to, just because they were interested in it and for no other reason!
Load More Replies...I mean if they don't think they have time to learn ASL then fine. That's their choice after all. But not turning on the captions, and not even trying to find a better way to communicate makes them the AH.
There is no way they don't have time. I spent 10 minutes or so a day learning ASL with my daughter. Even after just a couple weeks, I could at least ask my daughter if she was hungry/thirsty, tell her I love her, let her know Daddy is home soon, and ask if she needed her stuffed kitty. It breaks my heart to hear about parents who willingly miss out on being able to communicate with their child in their child's language.
Load More Replies...Appalling. If their child had ended up in a wheelchair, I suspect that they would have told her that putting in a ramp is too much trouble and she could find her own way up the stairs if she wants to visit. And putting on closed captions is something that actually benefits everyone. I have a profound hearing loss and use them all the time, and my wife finds them helpful when movies have people whispering or have noise in the background.
Yeah, her folks are wrong for that. What's wrong with educating yourself so you can communicate with your child?
I don't get it. If I had gone deaf, my Mom would probably have started learning sign language before I was out of the hospital. My Dad too, if only in his spare time (he worked ALOT when I was younger). Wtf people?!?
What the hell, parent's didn't have time to learn sign language? They won't even turn caption on? And then get mad when their daughter can't keep up with conversation? Sounds incredibly toxic.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...*takes a deep breath*...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK them.
It honestly sounds like her parents are in denial - maybe they are hoping that by making being deaf ridiculously inconvenient, she will miraculously 'decide' to to start hearing again
If they have time to watch a movie they have time to learn to talk to their child. If something is important you'll find time for it.
I know these types of obvious Not The Asshole-types of AITAs are more about them wanting to just double check that what they did was fine. But, frankly they're pretty boring to read because it's obvious the OP is not at fault.
I'm currently toying with learning BSL and a deaf relative would absolutely be the kick up the rear I need to get on with it. To be honest, I'd see this as an opportunity to learn something new and connect with a relative, rather than an inconvenient burden. I don't understand the parents' attitude at all.
Surely they should want to be able to communicate properly with their daughter?!!
Totally NTA-Wow, parents are in huge denial about OP's hearing loss. If they turned the captions on, they'd have to admit that OP is hearing-impaired. They had time in the last 8 years to learn ASL. They just don't want to admit what's really going on. The brother should understand and realize OP can't communicate with them and they refuse to do anything to help. They're awful people!
The subtitles thing is just way beyond. My best friend growing up had a deaf brother, and they always had subtitles on when watching TV. I found I really liked it, and always turn mine on. When I watch TV with other people (which is quite a bit) I always ask if they care about subtitles and usually they don't really care so they'll turn them on.. and quite often, they become another lifelong convert. I know they annoy some people (my parents among them) and since I'm not hard of hearing I never push it with those people. But the vast majority of people, in my experience, actually prefer subtitles once they've tried them. (Except for some comedy formats, when the subtitles occasionally show up before the punchline and interfere with comedic timing.) Not being willing to turn on captions for your OWN CHILD who is DEAF is just ludicrous.
What kind of c*nt does not turn on captions for a deaf co-watcher?? That is just so f**cking rude!! Not to mention yelling at someone for not following a conversation they cannot follow. how ableist and selfish is that?
Communication is not *part* of a relationship. Communication *is* the relationship.
People who won’t learn ASL suck. People will literally volunteer to teach you when you want to learn.Granted I was exposed to signing at a young age and therefore love it but really we’re all pissed off that they won’t bother to turn on the closed captions. I just wanna smack them.
This is so terrible, it almost sounds like a fake, made- up story. Wow, completely unbelievable.
Sadly if you meet a lot of deaf people you’ll learn that this is how family acts for the majority plus if they are deaf when they are younger many are targeted by child molesters since they’re not as able to tattle.
Load More Replies...Everyone should learn ASL. You could talk in a bar or at a concert without having to yell, or across a room. Older people who are losing their hearing often feel extremely isolated, and literally 10% of the population (roughly) is deaf. Why the hell are we not all learning it in school?
NTA. Your family, which sadly includes your brother, have no respect for your condition or the difficulties you have faced/continue to face. They have no interest in helping you be more comfortable, or even that you're included in a conversation. Sadly, your family don't love you enough to want to try. I'm not saying they don't love you at all, but the tragic fact is many parents/families don't have the "i LIVE for my child!" attitude where they would do anything and everything to help and support you - and your family seems to be that way. You may need to just walk your own path away from them and into a more supportive group of people. I hope you find them, and the love you should be getting from your relatives. Good luck.
I'd love to learn BSL but idk anyone who's deaf and i don't have any motivation. And idk what recourses I'd use because I'm terrible at languages
That beggers belief, you lose your hearing and they can't be bothered to learn sign language in order to communicate. I wonder if they'll understand the big finger and a wave as she leaves. My child had speech delays, 1st thing I did was learn sign so we could both communicate. It's not rocket science!
What parent refuses to do EVERYTHING they can to communicate with their child? That’s just sick. I know if my daughter suddenly became deaf, my entire extended family would be learning ASL. My heart breaks for you.
I don't have any family who are deaf but have learnt some English sign. I can spell and know a few signs. I think that your family are nothing but a group of selfish beings. You have done the right thing. Keep going girl
I watch tv/films with my dad with the captions on and he's only hard of hearing. I'm sometimes do it alone because you sometimes get some info that isn't readily available if you are only listening. There's also foreign language films. As much as I like old school badly dubbed Godzilla movies I also enjoy the originals with English subtitles.
As an ASL Interpreter for over 10 years I have seen this behavior in parents all too often, I have had hearing parents thank me for allowing them to be able to communicate with their children now (both young and adult children) with tears in their eyes. All I wanted to tell them was how much they could have communicated with their children themselves if they had only tried, but no, they didn't; me, a complete stranger had more of a connection with their family than they did. I feel so very sad for this girl, but I know that the Deaf community can be the supportive family that her parents could not be. That is the silver lining.
Ignore your brother, he's also an AH. I'm sorry your parents are so stubborn. I think one commenter is right, they're in denial. Personally, I think they believe your hearing will come back, so to them it's wasted time to learn ASL. I hope you can get through, but sometimes, family isn't blood, it's people who accept you and love you just the way you are.
A weird blessing in disguise? A perfect opportunity to cut off thre family i say, the brotjer included. Entitled morons.
Wow they even don't want to turn captions in movies for their deaf daughter? Even this tiny "annoyance"? What a sh**parents.
I wonder if she could find a text to speech app that would translate what she said in a different language, and the feign not understanding why they don't understand what she is saying... Or maybe download a program that emits a really awful sound, or sounds to use whenever she can't keep up with too many people talking, or the tech can't keep up. Something loud and harsh like an emergency alert or air raid, sounds of flatulence, sounds of someone puking, nails on chalkboard. Weaponized their hearing ability against them. And she should totally play an obnoxious game on her phone at full volume while they watch a movie without the subtitles. They should feel inconvenienced. And left out, as she should have a pleasant video call signing with someone who makes her laugh. If they can't empathize, then make no further effort to communicate that isn't signing.
Sadly, it's the case with lots of H parents of D kids. I've seen it in action. Not my family - we sign for our Deaf child, because we love her more than we dislike her disability.
For some reason it seems like the parents believe if they ignore their daughter's hearing loss it will not affect anyone. Do they feel guilty they couldn't prevent it? Whatever their reason, they are very cruel. To not learn her new language is tragic. To refuse to use closed captioning is bizarre. They probably wouldn't agree to go, but family therapy could help. Did someone imply this is a cry for attention and not real deafness? The OP is handling her changed circumstances with great courage and confidence. They should be so proud of her.
Sometimes ultimatums are the only way to get people to stop being idiots. Every other way is just enabling people to walk all over you. Hope it works out for OP. (Honestly them yelling at OP for not being able to follow along made me the angriest) I wonder if having them watch a foreign film (Amelie is a good one) without the subtitles would teach them what it's like.
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