Woman Left In Tears To Stay At Hotel After Daughter-In-Law Refused To Let Her Sleep In Master Bedroom, Upset Husband Ends Up Leaving As Well
In-law relationships can be difficult to navigate. And sadly, Reddit user Xoxo76757, who for the sake of this article let’s just call Xoxo, found herself in a stalemate where neither person would admit they’ve crossed the line.
It all started when Xoxo’s mother-in-law came for a surprise visit. While the woman and her husband accepted the lady into their home, she decided to spend the night there and demanded the couple let her into their bedroom.
In some cases, that might have been okay. However, Xoxo wasn’t comfortable with having her mother-in-law in her bed. Besides, there was a completely functional guest room. But the MIL doubled down and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
One lady popped up for a surprise visit at her son and his wife’s place
Image credits: Castorly Stock (not an actual photo)
And the seemingly normal evening took a turn for the worse when she demanded their bedroom for the night
Image credits: Ashwin Vaswani (not an actual photo)
Image credits: Liza Summer (not an actual photo)
This situation represents a wider problem. Women actually struggle with each other more than men when it comes to in-law relationships.
“I think that men, in general, have left a lot of or some of the emotional work in families to women,” Geoffrey Greif, co-author of In-law Relationships: Mothers, Daughters, Fathers, and Sons,” told TODAY.
The book, which included survey and interview responses from more than 1,500 people, found that about 15% of MILs and DILs had a very troubled relationship. More than half felt good about their bond, and the rest were neutral.
Interestingly, mothers-in-law rated their relationship with their daughter-in-law much sunnier than vice versa:
- 33% strongly agreed the two were close, compared to 18% for the younger women;
- 42% strongly agreed they admired their daughter-in-law, but only 23% of the younger women felt the same way about their husband’s mother;
- 37% strongly agreed they enjoyed spending time together, compared to 22% for the younger women;
- 50% strongly agreed they trusted their daughter-in-law, but only 23% of the younger women felt the same way about their mother-in-law.
“A lot of it is wishful thinking on the part of the mother-in-law,” Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, said.
However, he thinks it’s a helpful approach.”You go into this relationship assuming the best and not assuming the worst — that’s a form of wishful thinking … I think that’s a really good and positive thing. Mothers-in-law really want to make this work.”
Plus, there may be more at stake for the older woman: most MILs and DILs described their relationship as equal in power, but when it wasn’t, both agreed the daughter-in-law held more power as the gatekeeper of the grandchild and someone who could limit or block access to her husband, Greif pointed out.
People think the lady is to blame here
Taking a look at this dynamic from a daughter-in-law’s perspective, we can see that her main concern is the interference in the marriage and child-rearing from the mother-in-law. “I felt like she was trying to take over,” one woman told the authors about her husband’s mother. A sentiment that’s also true for this story.
52% of daughters-in-law strongly disagreed or disagreed that they had the same parenting philosophy as their mothers-in-law.
When there are concerns, the goal is to figure out a way to stay connected with the MIL, while maintaining a boundary around the couple’s relationship, Greif said. But he recommended reframing the perceived interference as love, concern, and a wish to be engaged.
The man who connects the two women — the husband and the son — can help in presenting a united front as a couple.
“There’s essentially an emotional maturity that most daughters-in-law realize — ‘I’m going to try and make this work for the betterment of my family,'” he noted.
“Our research shows that when the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are able to talk about things directly, those are signs that the relationship is a better relationship.”
The authors advised looking for common interests as a way to strengthen the connection. One strategy was to take the long view rather than letting a momentary hiccup derail the relationship.
Some in the comment section under Xoxo’s post said she should even divorce her husband, but Greif is certain that there’s hope even if the MIL and DIL don’t click right away.
“Chill, don’t force it,” Greif said. “Understand there are multiple dynamics in a family and that things can change.”
The mother-in-law, on the other hand, is often unsure about where she stands with her daughter-in-law and doesn’t want to do anything to upset a delicate balance. “It’s always very pleasant, but it’s always on her terms every time we get together,” one woman told the researchers about her daughter-in-law.
1 in 6 mothers-in-law said they walked on eggshells around their DILs just because they wanted access to their sons and grandchildren. A quarter felt left out by their son and daughter-in-law, and one-fifth felt their relationship with their son was hindered by his wife.
They were also self-conscious about “becoming” the Monster-in-law and tried to avoid giving advice to the couple, even when asked.
“There’s the expression, ‘You can’t unring the bell’… In general, people often regret the negative things they say,” Greif said.
“My read is that usually the daughter-in-law long knows [of their differing views.] She would not be surprised to know that the mother-in-law is not on the same page,” Greif said.
Mothers-in-law knew their DIL would remember any criticism about their marriage or parenting skills, so they characterized their approach as, “I’m really, really trying hard to keep my mouth shut and bite my tongue.”
Greif thinks it’s also a good approach as the couple needs to work on their relationship first, so the mother-in-law should take the position of trying to be supportive and available if needed.
However, in tricky scenarios, Greif believes the mother-in-law should give the daughter-in-law some space. Which is probably what Xoxo’s MIL should have done that night too.
It's bad enough that, as a guest (uninvited!), you would argue about where you're sleeping but why on earth would you insist on sleeping in your son's marital bed when there is a guest room? Why would the husband think it's okay to force his wife out of HER bed? Poor OP (if this is one of the true reddit stories), she's got a lot of trouble ahead if she stays with this guy.
"He reminded me it's OUR BEDROOM, not just mine" Exactly, so she should get a say as to who sleeps in it.
Yep. To me "our" means that either one should get veto power on anyone going in there.
Load More Replies... I really don't get those husbands who won't stand up for their spouses. They are probably all working as spineless managers who'll kiss up every Karen they have to deal with.
Completely agree. When I married my husband I said to him that I hoped he would put me first over and above his family and I would do the same with mine (if a choice was necessary). I don't mean blanket agreement with me over everything, I mean if I'm wrong about something take me to one side and talk to me in private and I'll listen. This kind of thing though, seriously worrying. People who still think that parents can rule them when they are adults with their own home. No. You've done your parenting job and now we are all adults and equal. People won't like this but, to me, you don't get respect JUST because you're my parent. You get respect if you've done your best, even if to some that might not be that great. At least they've tried. Some parents skate by and some treat their children terribly and STILL want respect. Nope.
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NTA! Hubby needs to decide whether he wants a wife or to continue being a Mommy's Boy! MIL needs to back off. Just because her wittle boys lives there doesn't mean she is in control. She needs to respect boundaries!
The entire family now will turn on you with hubby leading the way! Be grateful you found out now and file for an annulment! Find a real man not a man child still suckling.
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My mom stayed with my boyfriend and I for Christmas. We (my boyfriend and I) agree that the guest bathroom isn't very comfortable so we offered to let my mom use our bathroom if she wanted. She went in once when we gave her a tour of the house (new since her last visit) and she never went near the master again. Even when offered, she felt like she would have been invading our privacy and declined.
A bald power move by MIL to establish her dominance. Insist on counselling with your husband, or leave.
I'm guessing she also wanted to have a big snoop around, too.
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Sorry MIL theres a wet spot from this morning and i only chamge the sheets on the weekend ^__^ also u want a lock? Stay at home.
Bloody hell, what an awful MIL. My wife and I have no issue giving up our bed to either her or my parents, but it would always be us offering, not them demanding it. And locking the door? Does that mean they would have to buy a lock for the door? Sounds like a very manipulative, demanding lady. Some red flags regarding the husband as well.
Yes, when I lived in a one-bedroom apartment I would let my mom have the bed while I slept on the air mattress. These people have a perfectly good guest room, though!
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Good on the OP for standing her ground. The MIL should have slept in the guest room, period. It's funny and a shame how other people (like the husband and the other berating in-laws) can make you rethink your perfectly reasonable and common sense position.
Not to mention who knows what the version of the story is that everyone on their side heard.
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Or, in fact, don't f-uck him. Ever again. Say goodbye to the man who thinks mummy is always right and heave a sigh of relief.
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GTFO NOW. The fact that he even entertained her wishes over yours is disgusting (then proceeded to have a temper tantrum that included TURNING OFF HIS PHONE). I would have spent the night packing my s**t then leaving. Divorce him so they can live (un)happily ever after. Dodge them bullets, gurl!!! (JHC, I thought my aunt was a terrible house guest...)
He probably turned his phone off so his mommy shoulder crying and snuggle time could go uninterrupted by that horrible, disrespectful wife of his.
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NTA. Shoot me if you must, but your husband is a momma's boy and this has the stink of a power play all over it. I hope you don't have kids yet because I foresee a lot of manipulative douchebaggery from that c*nt MIL of yours. It sounds extreme but if it was me, he's getting served divorce papers. He can go ahead and marry his mom.
An awkward and petty but simple solution: your husband is right, it is his room, so agree to share the room with your MIL (no you won't get much sleep, but you will get the point across) while your hubby sleeps in the guest room. After all, he is free to give up his spot in that room, what he can't do is order you to give up yours
The moment I suggested it was "our" bedroom in a situation like that, it would have been my wife's bedroom alone for quite some time - and I am completely ok with that, as we did not marry to not have each other's back ESPECIALLY when it comes to the rest of our families!
That is some strange behavior. Her husband has never learned boundaries with his mother.
And if he hasn't by now it's going to be a long hard road ahead. She's in for a real treat if she stays and they have children.
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Mommas boy. No. If you had ever stayed the night at their house and was offered their master bedroom to sleep in they would be weird too. Guest rooms are for guests. Unexpected visitors are guests. You haven't changed the sheets or cleaned or vacuumed and your bedroom is your oasis and mil wants to most likely snoop. It's gag reflexing me to consider staying in someone's used bed even for a night that wasn't prepped ahead of time. Divorce please. He's saying that you are breaking up his family then let him have them. Seriously. Gtfo of that mess.
"MIL throws tantrum after not being allowed to snoop through her DIL's things, man-child husband joins her" There, fixed the title for you.
Wow. There are two issues here. The main one is power. She doesn't like the power you have/had over her son, and wants to get her power back. The second is that she wanted to snoop. Insisting on having your room where she can lock the door? Um. Sure. MIL isn't the issue anymore. Your husband is. If he isn't going to grow up, you're going to be married to mama's baby for the rest of your life. Run now, and run quickly, and whatever you do, don't have children with this overgrown child.
I put up with this crap from my mother-in-law for the last 10 years and now we're finally getting a divorce. If it's been 9 months, get an old and run! That mother-in-law is out of line. It's your bedroom. She should never have asked let alone want to lock the door. What a creeper. Showing up unannounced is definitely not okay. I could see if there was an emergency like they had a flood at their home and they didn't have time to call you. They just came over. But she came over by herself and her husband didn't want to tell her no cuz he didn't want to hurt Mommy's feelings. You need to get a divorce. That is a bunch of crap. No matter how much you love him. He will never respect you and his mother will never respect you. And his family is the one coming between you and him. And if he can't see that he's not worth it
My husband invited his mom to stay for two weeks. She literally reorganizing my whole house. Threw out half my stuff. Her excuse if it wasn't a mess I wouldn't have to do it. It wasn't a mess it was organized for my OCD. I left to stay somewhere else. The house is still all messed up as is our relationship.
Get rid of that loser man,it will only get worse never better for you! Believe me Darling
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The relationship between a husband and wife is private and they have a right to their privacy. What in the world was MIL thinking of when she decides to violate that right. Decent society doesn't do that.I thought it was an accepted norm to know that. My MIL totally ruined my marriage becoz my husband was tied to her apron strings.Hate to see that happen here.
Speaking from experience: hubbie chose his mom over wife. He proved himself disloyal and will never have wife's back. I honestly hope she doesn't "stick with it to save the marriage" because the marriage has already been broken. I learned that after having "stuck with it " for 30 years which was 29 years too long.
She wanted to go through your stuff and find your lingerie and bedroom toys. At the very least, it was a power play. I don’t think you should have mentioned the hotel though. That does make it sound kinda witchy but she was still wrong.
The MIL showed up unannounced. Who does she think she is making demands. She was offered a perfectly good guest room. The MIL was completely in the wrong.
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Sometimes I wonder why people get married. This would be one of those instances.
Alot of the time men like this are looking for a second mommy not a wife.
Load More Replies... There is absolutely no way I ever want to sleep in the room and bed my son and his then wife shared. That is just gross. The son is a mama's boy and a man child that doesn't get it that is loyalty should be with his wife. As for his idiotic family, they aren't worth thinking about. One thing for sure, she better think very seriously before having kids with him. He obviously doesn't have her back. That's sad and messed up.
Analogy: would I have let someone sleep in my hospital bed during my first treatment for childhood brain cancer, from August-October 2013, and which lasted for 6 weeks?
I think I would of done the same thing... and after he left, called a lawyer. That marriage will never work out. Funnier... you should of said yes, locked the door as requested.... and crawled in bed with her. I bet she would of jumped out of there quick!
Um....NTA . Your husband and MIL have some serious issues going on here that goes beyond her wanting to stay in your room.
The Husband is a momma's boy. Contact a lawyer to start divorce papers, leave an open date on them. Next time MIL comes to visit unexpectedly, and the hubby pulls the same stunt, in the morning, when he comes home, present the paperwork.
Is she a klepto or just entitled? And why didn't sonny boy think it was weird for mommie dearest to demand their room?
I’m confused by the request of a lock. Why would the married couple have a lock on their bedroom door and if they don’t, was the mother expecting them to go out, buy one and wreck their door fitting it?
Really good boundary setting in this one. OP gave clear options and even offered to book a hotel. It was the MIL's choice to stay at the hotel. Really strange why the husband went to stay in his own room at the hotel. Even if he was upset, there was a guest room available. He also has really poor boundaries with his mother. Lastly, unexpected visits shouldn't be a thing anymore. Everyone carries a phone on them that can text. Call or text first every time. Even if they're family.
Translation: "I want to sleep in your room with the door locked so i can snoop through your stuff & put in a webcam."
People who show up uninvited are not guests. They are inconveniences at best and intruders at worst. Your MIL is very clearly the latter. Others are saying your husband is a momma's boy! Seems more like he is momma's b*tch. I see nothing but divorce in your future and the sooner the better. If you guys are not currently using some form of birth control, you need to start. You don't want kids in that situation. I would also say you need to tell your husband there will be no more intimacy of any kind until he acknowledges that both he and his mom were wrong, he apologizes to you and confronts his family on your behalf, none of which I believe will happen, so divorce it is...
only one answer... divorce... get rid of that a$$hole. MIL will manipulate your marriage and he will follow her and not you. Ditch him while you still have time.
Anyone else think the writer of the article would be better off presenting the subject without their added opinion? I couldn't read more than 8 words without scrolling passed to continue the original post.
I'm torn between whether I would do as OP did, which was perfectly within her rights, (NTA), or maliciously complying. When snoopy MIL started opening drawers, she would be greeted with googly eyes on my "special friend", and a big note saying, "Is this what you were looking for?". Seriously, though, if he doesn't want to cut the umbilical cord, and doesn't agree to counseling, then get this future train wreck of a marriage annulled. That family will steal your soul and make you think it was your fault. I got lucky in that my late MIL was a lovely person, but several of my friends were not so fortunate. The lack of respect just gets worse.
That witch is insane! DIVORCE THAT LOSER OF A HUSBAND! Why would anyone in their right mind demand such a thing? And why would any real man/husband expect you to let his wierd s**t starting mom take y'all bedroom? He probably slept with that but case! DUMP HIM NOW DARLING!
Do you guys think she's gonna stay with that entitled man baby of hers no offense but that's a huge deal breaker she needs to divorce ASAP before it escalates & the "MIL" is completely disrespectful, she'll continue because the "Husband" doesn't have enough balls to stop her nasty behavior or stick up for his wife. I commend the Wife who stood her ground with both never back down to people like that.
Why the heck would you want to sleep where your son's sperm is like splattered all over. Eeeick.
Ok no. This kind of mother/son behavior is some real GoT s**t. Just gross, immature, narcissistic, ew. Like, I have to distract myself anytime I sleep at another person's house even in their guest bedroom, and would downright REFUSE if they offered THEIR bed. Just *shivers* no.
Why would MIL want to sleep in the bed her DIL has sex with her son in? That's creepy. Yeah, I assume it would be to snoop around but it's also a power move to express dominance over the DIL. I would never expect or ask my kids and their partners to give up their bed for me, especially if they have a guest room.
How many frigging baby-men are there, for heaven's sake?! If the man can't cut the umbilical cord, then don't marry him ---- or divorce him if you did. Wife could've not made an issue, but I've seen how that ends. Next, the MIL moves in...
Unbelievable. I know I say this a lot when I read posts like this one, but WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I dont get husbands/wives who allows their parents or family come in and be disrespectful to their spouse. My ex MIL was like this and I hated every time she visited. Plus she wasnt even invited, and the husband leaving also is going to make the mother think she was in the right for how she behaved. The whole its our room, yes so if she didnt want to give up her room he should of respected that.
Mine invited herself to "visit with her grandson". Her arrived after he was in bed and left before he woke up. She had a meeting that was only an hour from our house but 4 hours from hers. She didn't stop by on her way home either. She expected me to wait all day and she didn't call until she was 10 minutes away. We had errands to run. Didn't make plans not waiting around.
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Nta at all but I would have kicked my husband out and me and mil slept in the master bed! But mine is so sweet she would never! I agree with everyone that says “get out of this now “ she will make life hell for you dear !
Another MIL who has a creepy, obsessive relationship with her son. The type who act like the wife is an intruder into her and her son's relationship, instead of their partner. Who the heck shows up uninvited and demands to sleep in the main bedroom with the door locked, thus kicking out those who normally sleep there? Weird, weird, weird, weird, weird. I don't always think divorce is the solution, but in this case, it might be wise. Unless she can manage to deprogram her husband, he'll continue putting his mother, and her obsession with asserting dominance, over his wife.
If she is a guest, unexpected at that, she has no right to demand. Good move w/ hotel stay. As for the husband, he could have taken his mother to the hotel, smoothen the ruffled feathers, and then went back to his wife. Since he didn't do that, it means the wife is up for bigger battles with the family. Her husband is a mama's boy and needs to grow up.
She needs to divorce her husband. That entire family has no common courtesy and the OP needs to cut ties with that toxic group.
I know there are some cultures where it very much is a thing that guests, especially "important" guests, like family matriarchs, are offered the best bed and best room. If husband and MIL belong to such a culture, I can imagine this misunderstanding being a major point of contention and considered massively insulting/ disrespectful. If they are not part of such a culture (and it would be up to them to inform the wife that they are and work things out, not simply expect her to know and comply) The only other thing I could see is if the guest room is not a full guest room, meaning it doesn't have a bed, or at least not a real bed (I found it weird that the couch and air mattresses would even be mentioned if they had a full guest room with a bed) and the older woman refused to sleep on a pull out or something due to "health" i.e. comfort, reasons, like a bad back. Barring those scenarios, I would say MIL was being selfish and wanted to go through your stuff.
If she wants to sleeo in your bed and you have a guest bed AND she needs to lock the door id say the only way she gets to sleep in your room is to crawl in with you. Something is up. And why did she pop by unexpected to stay the night when she doesn't live far away? Something is up
I have found since my son has been absent from the picture my relationship with my DIL has improved and we have become closer. I have found her to be courageous, hard working, and very patient with myself, her children, and my own son, her husband, and we have become friends. We sure have had a lot of heated, difficult, and gut wrenching discussions. She hangs in there and comes back to communicate with me and I admire her willingness to become closer to me.
why would anyone allow any guest to take over the master bedroom, what the hell? i don't care if it's pope francis, my bedroom is my bedroom and you can't have it!
My son and new DIL (married for 2mos) invited me to stay at their home, while my son works for a month in Texas. She’s pregnant (due 5/5/22) so I was thrilled to stay with them, getting to know her and her 3 wonderful boys. After 5 weeks she stopped speaking to me, stopped offering me dinner, then both of them told me to stop painting nursery because it’s their journey. I understand completely, but her dislike for me shown through, even when I was trying to help her by cleaning, washing boy’s clothes, buying many items for nursery and picking up boys from 3 different schools. I had a blast getting to know those boys and I love them, but she wouldn’t use gifts I gave them; vacuum cleaner (broom & dustpan), can opener (used a good knife to strap the top open), told me to stop putting dishes in dishwasher (boy’s job), stop washing their clothes (it’s their job but they ran out of underwear & shirts). She raises boys with tough live, which is fine, but all I saw & heard was tough, no love.
Both Mom and son need a refresher course on how to be a "guest' in someone else's home. Furthermore, she wasn't truly a guest, a guest is someone who is invited and expected, showing up unexpectedly was really ballsy, what if they were away for the day or weekend, would she call the police and demand they let her into the home?
Even when I cat sit for my daughter at her house, I sleep in the guest room or on the couch. I could, but never do, sleep in their room. It just doesn't feel right.
Sounds like grounds for divorce -- which is probably what MIL was aiming for :-( I thought it was bad enough that my In Laws just announced when they would be coming :-(
NTA, not NOW. But maybe before: didn't you ignore at least one red flag in your haste to marry this chump? A guy who puts his mother before his wife in NOT husband material,. How could you have missed this? At anhy rate, looks as if it might be best to get out now rather than suffer such treatment for the rest of your life.
Mother in law WAY out of line.... I'd never invite her as a house guest again...
Makes me wonder if there might be a little more to this mother/son relationship....even if there isn't, it's still unhealthy and creepy as hell. Think seriously about continuing in this relationship.
Why is this weird ass article writing about how secretly kind mother in laws are while being attached to this nightmare of a story. MILs are people and just like all people there are good ones and bad ones.
There's only one reason a grown woman with a grown child is demanding to sleep in their child's bed where that grown child sleeps with their grown spouse(and likely does more than sleep) *and* insist on locking the door.
Etiquette dictates that you are actually supposed to give up your master bedroom for older guests, but usually in cases where there isn't a guest room. I wonder if the guest bedroom was in an awkward location (attic or basement) that would have made it difficult for the MIL to get to.
The only thing that could mitigate this is that if the MIL had a reason for needing that specific bedroom like the guest room was an attic or basement room and she has a mobility issue that makes getting up and down stairs difficult or some other disability that would make the options presented unsuitable. It's easy for angry people to omit facts that weaken their side of the argument. Still, the MIL should have called before coming if she knew that she would need to interrupt their lives like that.
I agree MIL had no need for the master bedroom. I think she might have been busy all night going through her DIL's clothing and discarding what she didn't approve of. I think marriage counseling comes next, certainly not the divorce so many here are advocating for. A very odd situation.
Newlyweds---you should expect a minimum of 12 months of crazy monkey sex. I'd, as a MIL, would rather be at a hotel. With the last name of knight, heard a few 'jokes' puns . One would be "once a King always a king, but once a night is enough".. I extend that to "and after the first year or two, once a night is enough". So I'd wonder how long/much he is 'vested' in that area of their union. So a guy at 34 is past that prime?
Hm... I need more context to judge this. I don't find it unusual to give up the best bed in the place to elderly parents. But the woman doesn't seem to be very elderly. A guestroom shoudl really suffice. It was probably good to draw a line in the sand, given how young the marriage is. The husband will need to consider his future and priorities. In nature, the new family comes before the old one. In some cultures it's different and the young wife is a servant to her parents in law. If that is the case here, a divorce is imminent.
Playing devil's advocate here, though I COMPLETELY AGREE the writer is NOT to blame, so please don't come at me. It is not mentioned if there might be a cultural factor at play where perhaps this is completely acceptable behavior. Again, I'm not saying I agree with it! I only mention this because although I grew up in the U.S., I do come from another culture and whenever I stay with relatives, they will always have me stay in their best room. It always feels uncomfortable and no matter how much I tell them it's not necessary, they almost take offense if I don't take the room. In some cultures this is how they treat guests (invited or not). Just a thought to always try and find a bit more context to a story. If different cultural customs did play a role in this case, then the solution would have been to discuss it from this perspective and hopefully come to a compromise.
I can see where you are coming from but while cultural aspects obviously exist it isn't reasonable to expect anyone outside of that culture to just automatically fall in line with it - I'm assuming here that the wife would not be, otherwise she'd see it the same way. Respect for these differences go two-ways. Yet, so often it doesn't. Why does one culture, typically the one that seems to have the most rules, take precedence over another? Who chooses? Why is her culture not getting the same respect? What kind of compromise could exist here? She should not have to give up her bed to anyone if she doesn't want to. Not coming at you 🙂just really don't understand why some people (I don't mean you) would think that their culture (going with it being the issue with MIL) has some weird allowance that makes it okay to be so demanding and rude. This is curiosity, not criticism!
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I get a strong feeling that the marriage is of two different cultures. I can't and won't point to one vs. another, but they just don't mesh, whatever they are. Such marriages are very difficult, and if not worked on from that angle, won't work. The 'son' needs to understand that his wife is simply not descended from the same roots he is. If he doesn't, and can't accommodate this, the marriage will end in a few years. Wasted time, effort and wealth.
We always give guests the Master bedroom. All bedrooms have locks. What is the surprise. WITAH? THE KIDS.
That is, of course, your choice. I'd really not want to take someone's bed if there is a guest room option. A bed is a very personal place. However, this is her bed (as much as his) and her choice. Not mummy's.
Load More Replies... I would have reluctantly agreed to my MIL sleeping in my bedroom, but then I would have declined at locking the door. If she's comfortable enough to sleep in my bed, she should be comfortable enough to do so with an unlocked door. The fact she wanted locked privacy in their bedroom tells me she intended to snoop.
Problem with that is that you've now created a scenario where you will forever be giving up your bed. You'll get told 'well you did it last time' anytime you try to object. What if her visits get every more frequent? That's not a rod you'd want to make for your own back. It's far better to make the boundary clear and stick to it - notwithstanding the spineless husband.
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It's bad enough that, as a guest (uninvited!), you would argue about where you're sleeping but why on earth would you insist on sleeping in your son's marital bed when there is a guest room? Why would the husband think it's okay to force his wife out of HER bed? Poor OP (if this is one of the true reddit stories), she's got a lot of trouble ahead if she stays with this guy.
"He reminded me it's OUR BEDROOM, not just mine" Exactly, so she should get a say as to who sleeps in it.
Yep. To me "our" means that either one should get veto power on anyone going in there.
Load More Replies... I really don't get those husbands who won't stand up for their spouses. They are probably all working as spineless managers who'll kiss up every Karen they have to deal with.
Completely agree. When I married my husband I said to him that I hoped he would put me first over and above his family and I would do the same with mine (if a choice was necessary). I don't mean blanket agreement with me over everything, I mean if I'm wrong about something take me to one side and talk to me in private and I'll listen. This kind of thing though, seriously worrying. People who still think that parents can rule them when they are adults with their own home. No. You've done your parenting job and now we are all adults and equal. People won't like this but, to me, you don't get respect JUST because you're my parent. You get respect if you've done your best, even if to some that might not be that great. At least they've tried. Some parents skate by and some treat their children terribly and STILL want respect. Nope.
Load More Replies... NTA! Hubby needs to decide whether he wants a wife or to continue being a Mommy's Boy! MIL needs to back off. Just because her wittle boys lives there doesn't mean she is in control. She needs to respect boundaries!
The entire family now will turn on you with hubby leading the way! Be grateful you found out now and file for an annulment! Find a real man not a man child still suckling.
Load More Replies... My mom stayed with my boyfriend and I for Christmas. We (my boyfriend and I) agree that the guest bathroom isn't very comfortable so we offered to let my mom use our bathroom if she wanted. She went in once when we gave her a tour of the house (new since her last visit) and she never went near the master again. Even when offered, she felt like she would have been invading our privacy and declined.
A bald power move by MIL to establish her dominance. Insist on counselling with your husband, or leave.
I'm guessing she also wanted to have a big snoop around, too.
Load More Replies... Sorry MIL theres a wet spot from this morning and i only chamge the sheets on the weekend ^__^ also u want a lock? Stay at home.
Bloody hell, what an awful MIL. My wife and I have no issue giving up our bed to either her or my parents, but it would always be us offering, not them demanding it. And locking the door? Does that mean they would have to buy a lock for the door? Sounds like a very manipulative, demanding lady. Some red flags regarding the husband as well.
Yes, when I lived in a one-bedroom apartment I would let my mom have the bed while I slept on the air mattress. These people have a perfectly good guest room, though!
Load More Replies... Good on the OP for standing her ground. The MIL should have slept in the guest room, period. It's funny and a shame how other people (like the husband and the other berating in-laws) can make you rethink your perfectly reasonable and common sense position.
Not to mention who knows what the version of the story is that everyone on their side heard.
Load More Replies... Or, in fact, don't f-uck him. Ever again. Say goodbye to the man who thinks mummy is always right and heave a sigh of relief.
Load More Replies... GTFO NOW. The fact that he even entertained her wishes over yours is disgusting (then proceeded to have a temper tantrum that included TURNING OFF HIS PHONE). I would have spent the night packing my s**t then leaving. Divorce him so they can live (un)happily ever after. Dodge them bullets, gurl!!! (JHC, I thought my aunt was a terrible house guest...)
He probably turned his phone off so his mommy shoulder crying and snuggle time could go uninterrupted by that horrible, disrespectful wife of his.
Load More Replies... NTA. Shoot me if you must, but your husband is a momma's boy and this has the stink of a power play all over it. I hope you don't have kids yet because I foresee a lot of manipulative douchebaggery from that c*nt MIL of yours. It sounds extreme but if it was me, he's getting served divorce papers. He can go ahead and marry his mom.
An awkward and petty but simple solution: your husband is right, it is his room, so agree to share the room with your MIL (no you won't get much sleep, but you will get the point across) while your hubby sleeps in the guest room. After all, he is free to give up his spot in that room, what he can't do is order you to give up yours
The moment I suggested it was "our" bedroom in a situation like that, it would have been my wife's bedroom alone for quite some time - and I am completely ok with that, as we did not marry to not have each other's back ESPECIALLY when it comes to the rest of our families!
That is some strange behavior. Her husband has never learned boundaries with his mother.
And if he hasn't by now it's going to be a long hard road ahead. She's in for a real treat if she stays and they have children.
Load More Replies... Mommas boy. No. If you had ever stayed the night at their house and was offered their master bedroom to sleep in they would be weird too. Guest rooms are for guests. Unexpected visitors are guests. You haven't changed the sheets or cleaned or vacuumed and your bedroom is your oasis and mil wants to most likely snoop. It's gag reflexing me to consider staying in someone's used bed even for a night that wasn't prepped ahead of time. Divorce please. He's saying that you are breaking up his family then let him have them. Seriously. Gtfo of that mess.
"MIL throws tantrum after not being allowed to snoop through her DIL's things, man-child husband joins her" There, fixed the title for you.
Wow. There are two issues here. The main one is power. She doesn't like the power you have/had over her son, and wants to get her power back. The second is that she wanted to snoop. Insisting on having your room where she can lock the door? Um. Sure. MIL isn't the issue anymore. Your husband is. If he isn't going to grow up, you're going to be married to mama's baby for the rest of your life. Run now, and run quickly, and whatever you do, don't have children with this overgrown child.
I put up with this crap from my mother-in-law for the last 10 years and now we're finally getting a divorce. If it's been 9 months, get an old and run! That mother-in-law is out of line. It's your bedroom. She should never have asked let alone want to lock the door. What a creeper. Showing up unannounced is definitely not okay. I could see if there was an emergency like they had a flood at their home and they didn't have time to call you. They just came over. But she came over by herself and her husband didn't want to tell her no cuz he didn't want to hurt Mommy's feelings. You need to get a divorce. That is a bunch of crap. No matter how much you love him. He will never respect you and his mother will never respect you. And his family is the one coming between you and him. And if he can't see that he's not worth it
My husband invited his mom to stay for two weeks. She literally reorganizing my whole house. Threw out half my stuff. Her excuse if it wasn't a mess I wouldn't have to do it. It wasn't a mess it was organized for my OCD. I left to stay somewhere else. The house is still all messed up as is our relationship.
Get rid of that loser man,it will only get worse never better for you! Believe me Darling
Load More Replies... The relationship between a husband and wife is private and they have a right to their privacy. What in the world was MIL thinking of when she decides to violate that right. Decent society doesn't do that.I thought it was an accepted norm to know that. My MIL totally ruined my marriage becoz my husband was tied to her apron strings.Hate to see that happen here.
Speaking from experience: hubbie chose his mom over wife. He proved himself disloyal and will never have wife's back. I honestly hope she doesn't "stick with it to save the marriage" because the marriage has already been broken. I learned that after having "stuck with it " for 30 years which was 29 years too long.
She wanted to go through your stuff and find your lingerie and bedroom toys. At the very least, it was a power play. I don’t think you should have mentioned the hotel though. That does make it sound kinda witchy but she was still wrong.
The MIL showed up unannounced. Who does she think she is making demands. She was offered a perfectly good guest room. The MIL was completely in the wrong.
Load More Replies... Sometimes I wonder why people get married. This would be one of those instances.
Alot of the time men like this are looking for a second mommy not a wife.
Load More Replies... There is absolutely no way I ever want to sleep in the room and bed my son and his then wife shared. That is just gross. The son is a mama's boy and a man child that doesn't get it that is loyalty should be with his wife. As for his idiotic family, they aren't worth thinking about. One thing for sure, she better think very seriously before having kids with him. He obviously doesn't have her back. That's sad and messed up.
Analogy: would I have let someone sleep in my hospital bed during my first treatment for childhood brain cancer, from August-October 2013, and which lasted for 6 weeks?
I think I would of done the same thing... and after he left, called a lawyer. That marriage will never work out. Funnier... you should of said yes, locked the door as requested.... and crawled in bed with her. I bet she would of jumped out of there quick!
Um....NTA . Your husband and MIL have some serious issues going on here that goes beyond her wanting to stay in your room.
The Husband is a momma's boy. Contact a lawyer to start divorce papers, leave an open date on them. Next time MIL comes to visit unexpectedly, and the hubby pulls the same stunt, in the morning, when he comes home, present the paperwork.
Is she a klepto or just entitled? And why didn't sonny boy think it was weird for mommie dearest to demand their room?
I’m confused by the request of a lock. Why would the married couple have a lock on their bedroom door and if they don’t, was the mother expecting them to go out, buy one and wreck their door fitting it?
Really good boundary setting in this one. OP gave clear options and even offered to book a hotel. It was the MIL's choice to stay at the hotel. Really strange why the husband went to stay in his own room at the hotel. Even if he was upset, there was a guest room available. He also has really poor boundaries with his mother. Lastly, unexpected visits shouldn't be a thing anymore. Everyone carries a phone on them that can text. Call or text first every time. Even if they're family.
Translation: "I want to sleep in your room with the door locked so i can snoop through your stuff & put in a webcam."
People who show up uninvited are not guests. They are inconveniences at best and intruders at worst. Your MIL is very clearly the latter. Others are saying your husband is a momma's boy! Seems more like he is momma's b*tch. I see nothing but divorce in your future and the sooner the better. If you guys are not currently using some form of birth control, you need to start. You don't want kids in that situation. I would also say you need to tell your husband there will be no more intimacy of any kind until he acknowledges that both he and his mom were wrong, he apologizes to you and confronts his family on your behalf, none of which I believe will happen, so divorce it is...
only one answer... divorce... get rid of that a$$hole. MIL will manipulate your marriage and he will follow her and not you. Ditch him while you still have time.
Anyone else think the writer of the article would be better off presenting the subject without their added opinion? I couldn't read more than 8 words without scrolling passed to continue the original post.
I'm torn between whether I would do as OP did, which was perfectly within her rights, (NTA), or maliciously complying. When snoopy MIL started opening drawers, she would be greeted with googly eyes on my "special friend", and a big note saying, "Is this what you were looking for?". Seriously, though, if he doesn't want to cut the umbilical cord, and doesn't agree to counseling, then get this future train wreck of a marriage annulled. That family will steal your soul and make you think it was your fault. I got lucky in that my late MIL was a lovely person, but several of my friends were not so fortunate. The lack of respect just gets worse.
That witch is insane! DIVORCE THAT LOSER OF A HUSBAND! Why would anyone in their right mind demand such a thing? And why would any real man/husband expect you to let his wierd s**t starting mom take y'all bedroom? He probably slept with that but case! DUMP HIM NOW DARLING!
Do you guys think she's gonna stay with that entitled man baby of hers no offense but that's a huge deal breaker she needs to divorce ASAP before it escalates & the "MIL" is completely disrespectful, she'll continue because the "Husband" doesn't have enough balls to stop her nasty behavior or stick up for his wife. I commend the Wife who stood her ground with both never back down to people like that.
Why the heck would you want to sleep where your son's sperm is like splattered all over. Eeeick.
Ok no. This kind of mother/son behavior is some real GoT s**t. Just gross, immature, narcissistic, ew. Like, I have to distract myself anytime I sleep at another person's house even in their guest bedroom, and would downright REFUSE if they offered THEIR bed. Just *shivers* no.
Why would MIL want to sleep in the bed her DIL has sex with her son in? That's creepy. Yeah, I assume it would be to snoop around but it's also a power move to express dominance over the DIL. I would never expect or ask my kids and their partners to give up their bed for me, especially if they have a guest room.
How many frigging baby-men are there, for heaven's sake?! If the man can't cut the umbilical cord, then don't marry him ---- or divorce him if you did. Wife could've not made an issue, but I've seen how that ends. Next, the MIL moves in...
Unbelievable. I know I say this a lot when I read posts like this one, but WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I dont get husbands/wives who allows their parents or family come in and be disrespectful to their spouse. My ex MIL was like this and I hated every time she visited. Plus she wasnt even invited, and the husband leaving also is going to make the mother think she was in the right for how she behaved. The whole its our room, yes so if she didnt want to give up her room he should of respected that.
Mine invited herself to "visit with her grandson". Her arrived after he was in bed and left before he woke up. She had a meeting that was only an hour from our house but 4 hours from hers. She didn't stop by on her way home either. She expected me to wait all day and she didn't call until she was 10 minutes away. We had errands to run. Didn't make plans not waiting around.
Load More Replies... Nta at all but I would have kicked my husband out and me and mil slept in the master bed! But mine is so sweet she would never! I agree with everyone that says “get out of this now “ she will make life hell for you dear !
Another MIL who has a creepy, obsessive relationship with her son. The type who act like the wife is an intruder into her and her son's relationship, instead of their partner. Who the heck shows up uninvited and demands to sleep in the main bedroom with the door locked, thus kicking out those who normally sleep there? Weird, weird, weird, weird, weird. I don't always think divorce is the solution, but in this case, it might be wise. Unless she can manage to deprogram her husband, he'll continue putting his mother, and her obsession with asserting dominance, over his wife.
If she is a guest, unexpected at that, she has no right to demand. Good move w/ hotel stay. As for the husband, he could have taken his mother to the hotel, smoothen the ruffled feathers, and then went back to his wife. Since he didn't do that, it means the wife is up for bigger battles with the family. Her husband is a mama's boy and needs to grow up.
She needs to divorce her husband. That entire family has no common courtesy and the OP needs to cut ties with that toxic group.
I know there are some cultures where it very much is a thing that guests, especially "important" guests, like family matriarchs, are offered the best bed and best room. If husband and MIL belong to such a culture, I can imagine this misunderstanding being a major point of contention and considered massively insulting/ disrespectful. If they are not part of such a culture (and it would be up to them to inform the wife that they are and work things out, not simply expect her to know and comply) The only other thing I could see is if the guest room is not a full guest room, meaning it doesn't have a bed, or at least not a real bed (I found it weird that the couch and air mattresses would even be mentioned if they had a full guest room with a bed) and the older woman refused to sleep on a pull out or something due to "health" i.e. comfort, reasons, like a bad back. Barring those scenarios, I would say MIL was being selfish and wanted to go through your stuff.
If she wants to sleeo in your bed and you have a guest bed AND she needs to lock the door id say the only way she gets to sleep in your room is to crawl in with you. Something is up. And why did she pop by unexpected to stay the night when she doesn't live far away? Something is up
I have found since my son has been absent from the picture my relationship with my DIL has improved and we have become closer. I have found her to be courageous, hard working, and very patient with myself, her children, and my own son, her husband, and we have become friends. We sure have had a lot of heated, difficult, and gut wrenching discussions. She hangs in there and comes back to communicate with me and I admire her willingness to become closer to me.
why would anyone allow any guest to take over the master bedroom, what the hell? i don't care if it's pope francis, my bedroom is my bedroom and you can't have it!
My son and new DIL (married for 2mos) invited me to stay at their home, while my son works for a month in Texas. She’s pregnant (due 5/5/22) so I was thrilled to stay with them, getting to know her and her 3 wonderful boys. After 5 weeks she stopped speaking to me, stopped offering me dinner, then both of them told me to stop painting nursery because it’s their journey. I understand completely, but her dislike for me shown through, even when I was trying to help her by cleaning, washing boy’s clothes, buying many items for nursery and picking up boys from 3 different schools. I had a blast getting to know those boys and I love them, but she wouldn’t use gifts I gave them; vacuum cleaner (broom & dustpan), can opener (used a good knife to strap the top open), told me to stop putting dishes in dishwasher (boy’s job), stop washing their clothes (it’s their job but they ran out of underwear & shirts). She raises boys with tough live, which is fine, but all I saw & heard was tough, no love.
Both Mom and son need a refresher course on how to be a "guest' in someone else's home. Furthermore, she wasn't truly a guest, a guest is someone who is invited and expected, showing up unexpectedly was really ballsy, what if they were away for the day or weekend, would she call the police and demand they let her into the home?
Even when I cat sit for my daughter at her house, I sleep in the guest room or on the couch. I could, but never do, sleep in their room. It just doesn't feel right.
Sounds like grounds for divorce -- which is probably what MIL was aiming for :-( I thought it was bad enough that my In Laws just announced when they would be coming :-(
NTA, not NOW. But maybe before: didn't you ignore at least one red flag in your haste to marry this chump? A guy who puts his mother before his wife in NOT husband material,. How could you have missed this? At anhy rate, looks as if it might be best to get out now rather than suffer such treatment for the rest of your life.
Mother in law WAY out of line.... I'd never invite her as a house guest again...
Makes me wonder if there might be a little more to this mother/son relationship....even if there isn't, it's still unhealthy and creepy as hell. Think seriously about continuing in this relationship.
Why is this weird ass article writing about how secretly kind mother in laws are while being attached to this nightmare of a story. MILs are people and just like all people there are good ones and bad ones.
There's only one reason a grown woman with a grown child is demanding to sleep in their child's bed where that grown child sleeps with their grown spouse(and likely does more than sleep) *and* insist on locking the door.
Etiquette dictates that you are actually supposed to give up your master bedroom for older guests, but usually in cases where there isn't a guest room. I wonder if the guest bedroom was in an awkward location (attic or basement) that would have made it difficult for the MIL to get to.
The only thing that could mitigate this is that if the MIL had a reason for needing that specific bedroom like the guest room was an attic or basement room and she has a mobility issue that makes getting up and down stairs difficult or some other disability that would make the options presented unsuitable. It's easy for angry people to omit facts that weaken their side of the argument. Still, the MIL should have called before coming if she knew that she would need to interrupt their lives like that.
I agree MIL had no need for the master bedroom. I think she might have been busy all night going through her DIL's clothing and discarding what she didn't approve of. I think marriage counseling comes next, certainly not the divorce so many here are advocating for. A very odd situation.
Newlyweds---you should expect a minimum of 12 months of crazy monkey sex. I'd, as a MIL, would rather be at a hotel. With the last name of knight, heard a few 'jokes' puns . One would be "once a King always a king, but once a night is enough".. I extend that to "and after the first year or two, once a night is enough". So I'd wonder how long/much he is 'vested' in that area of their union. So a guy at 34 is past that prime?
Hm... I need more context to judge this. I don't find it unusual to give up the best bed in the place to elderly parents. But the woman doesn't seem to be very elderly. A guestroom shoudl really suffice. It was probably good to draw a line in the sand, given how young the marriage is. The husband will need to consider his future and priorities. In nature, the new family comes before the old one. In some cultures it's different and the young wife is a servant to her parents in law. If that is the case here, a divorce is imminent.
Playing devil's advocate here, though I COMPLETELY AGREE the writer is NOT to blame, so please don't come at me. It is not mentioned if there might be a cultural factor at play where perhaps this is completely acceptable behavior. Again, I'm not saying I agree with it! I only mention this because although I grew up in the U.S., I do come from another culture and whenever I stay with relatives, they will always have me stay in their best room. It always feels uncomfortable and no matter how much I tell them it's not necessary, they almost take offense if I don't take the room. In some cultures this is how they treat guests (invited or not). Just a thought to always try and find a bit more context to a story. If different cultural customs did play a role in this case, then the solution would have been to discuss it from this perspective and hopefully come to a compromise.
I can see where you are coming from but while cultural aspects obviously exist it isn't reasonable to expect anyone outside of that culture to just automatically fall in line with it - I'm assuming here that the wife would not be, otherwise she'd see it the same way. Respect for these differences go two-ways. Yet, so often it doesn't. Why does one culture, typically the one that seems to have the most rules, take precedence over another? Who chooses? Why is her culture not getting the same respect? What kind of compromise could exist here? She should not have to give up her bed to anyone if she doesn't want to. Not coming at you 🙂just really don't understand why some people (I don't mean you) would think that their culture (going with it being the issue with MIL) has some weird allowance that makes it okay to be so demanding and rude. This is curiosity, not criticism!
Load More Replies... I get a strong feeling that the marriage is of two different cultures. I can't and won't point to one vs. another, but they just don't mesh, whatever they are. Such marriages are very difficult, and if not worked on from that angle, won't work. The 'son' needs to understand that his wife is simply not descended from the same roots he is. If he doesn't, and can't accommodate this, the marriage will end in a few years. Wasted time, effort and wealth.
We always give guests the Master bedroom. All bedrooms have locks. What is the surprise. WITAH? THE KIDS.
That is, of course, your choice. I'd really not want to take someone's bed if there is a guest room option. A bed is a very personal place. However, this is her bed (as much as his) and her choice. Not mummy's.
Load More Replies... I would have reluctantly agreed to my MIL sleeping in my bedroom, but then I would have declined at locking the door. If she's comfortable enough to sleep in my bed, she should be comfortable enough to do so with an unlocked door. The fact she wanted locked privacy in their bedroom tells me she intended to snoop.
Problem with that is that you've now created a scenario where you will forever be giving up your bed. You'll get told 'well you did it last time' anytime you try to object. What if her visits get every more frequent? That's not a rod you'd want to make for your own back. It's far better to make the boundary clear and stick to it - notwithstanding the spineless husband.
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