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33 Honest Truths About What Dating Looks Like Once You Turn 40: “I’m Fine Being Single”
Interview With Expert
Many people often treat dating like a game when they are younger, with the goal of going out with as many potential partners as possible. This idea tends to transform as folks get older because their priorities also change with time.
For a lot of folks, once they turn middle-aged, they become more secure in themselves and can figure out what kind of partner best suits them. That’s why someone asked single people over forty what the dating landscape is actually like for them, and the answers are quite shocking.
More info: Reddit
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#1
I lost my husband at 50 and I dated in 2019. It was awful and then came Covid. I had sold our house and moved to a new apartment complex. I was so isolated the building wasn’t even full but the guy above me was always walking around which somehow comforted me. We ran into each other on the stairs sometimes, masked. We were like the only 2 who didn’t use the elevator because the place was full of mask holes and I used to call the elevator the Covid express.
Summer finally came I was on my deck he was in the courtyard grilling. He said hey if you come down here I’ll make you a margarita. I went down and the rest is history. Very lucky for me because I didn’t think I’d go back to dating after shutdown ended. I didn’t have to.
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#2
Female, 40, Los Angeles. The apps are full of boring guys who all have photos of themselves at the Dodgers game. And they're all like "What is the absolute bare minimum I have to do in order for you to pay attention to my private parts?"
I talked to a male coworker (49) the other day, and from his side, he says all the ladies are like "What do you do for a living and how much money do you have? If you're not taking me out for a fancy meal, I'm not interested."
I'm fine being single if that's what I'd have to settle for.
Helena 2 weeks ago
Who are all these women asking how much money do you have, because I know none of them. I will ask what you do for a living, but that's because it tells me something about you as a person, how you describe it, if you enjoy it, if you feel you're good at it. The only one I've ever heard care about money (with the soul exception, just be able to pay for your own life, I've got mine handled) is just men telling other men that women want men who provide. Women want men who shower, can adult on a basic level, and treat us like actual equal human beings. The bar is so so low.
#3
Honestly I stopped even trying. It was messing with my mental health. I realized that I was so desperate for peoples approval, for someone to validate that I'm worthy that I was changing who I was. I now changed my mindset and make sure to enjoy my single years. Travel, explore, have random adventures. There is a freedom in solitude that some people would find scary.
In earlier times, people rushed to jump into relationships and get married young, but research shows that now people are waiting longer to settle down. Many first-time marriages are actually happening between the ages of 40-59, meaning that folks are taking their time to date and figure out the kind of partner they want.
Many people in their forties and fifties seem to be more careful about who they let into their lives, and their goal might also be to protect their peace. With a greater awareness of their likes and dislikes, they might also be more choosy about their prospective spouse and proceed with caution.
To get a better insight into this, Bored Panda also reached out to Megan Weks, who is a dating coach and the founder of The Manfunnel Method. She explained that “this generation has far more emotional awareness than previous ones. People aren’t just looking for a partner; they’re looking for a healthy [person].”
“They want alignment, not obligation, drama, and unresolved or ignored traumas. Therapy culture has changed dating. People are actively healing their childhood wounds, and they don’t want to carry unprocessed trauma into a marriage,” she added.
#4
I actually found it easier at 45. By that age, people are more mature and there’s a lot less game-playing. When both people can communicate like adults and clearly express their wants and needs, relationships become so much better than they ever were in your 20s.
That’s when I met my second wife. We’ve been together nearly 10 years and married for 3, and we’ve never once raised our voices at each other. We still have our differences, but with mutual respect and maturity we can talk about anything and always reach a loving, reasonable conclusion.
It’s completely different from when I was younger — and honestly, so much better. So yes, for me, dating and finding love at 45 was actually a lot easier.
#5
Well.... dating over 40 feels like two "time travelers" trying to flirt while coming from completely different centuries.
Half the people are still using early 2000 dating instincts, like “Hey, want to grab coffee and actually talk?”
And the other half have fully evolved into
“Please upload three forms of emotional validation, proof of hobbies, and a resume of past traumas.”
You sit there remembering a time when you just met people… in real life, by accident, without algorithms…
and suddenly you realize the scariest part of dating over 40 isn’t being single.
It is realizing we all got older, but the world around us changed even faster.
Sven Horlemann 2 weeks ago
Yep, I feel that. Though I just turned 59 and still am happily married (or so my wife claims).
#6
Tough, and even tougher for someone who doesn’t want kids, or to be involved with other people’s kids.
LizzieBoredom 2 weeks ago (edited)
I recently saw a 20 question poll asking 20-30 year olds their top life goal/priority. #1 for men was having children. #20 for women was having children.
Even though it might seem like middle-aged people are being picky when it comes to dating, there are actually several reasons why they might be holding off on committing. Experts state that most people want to achieve certain career goals before they settle down, and dating might actually be the last thing on their mind.
Other important reasons might be due to the need to achieve financial stability or to minimize their debt before they get married to someone else. In a lot of these cases, people’s main goal is to put themselves first and focus on self-development before finding another person to join lives with.
Megan also explained that “we’ve shifted from ‘marry early and grow up together’ to ‘grow up first, then choose the right person.’ That emotional maturity creates stronger relationships later on.” She also added that “women’s increased financial independence is one of the biggest drivers of delayed marriage. When women aren’t required to marry for security, they marry for genuine compatibility.”
#7
It's the island of misfit Toys out there.
ROSESARERED 2 weeks ago
There is a saying in a remote Australian town, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
#8
Hi I'm Ray, My wife and I have an open relationship because we're too afraid to get a divorce. BTW I can only see you between 8:00am - 8:15am at the Pancake house on Monday mornings according to our rules.
#9
It’s fun. You can interact with lots of interesting people. I’ve met some really nice women and some real awful human beings. So you either have a nice time or a good story, it’s a win win. Dinners get expensive, but that’s the cost of participating.
Dating over forty might seem like a lot of work, but, in reality, it’s a lot of fun because people know themselves better and are more aware of the type of person they’d like to be with. With more life experience comes the wisdom to identify red flags better and the knowledge of how valuable love, stability, and trust actually are.
Middle-aged people might also have an established career and savings, allowing them to set more time aside for fun. This opens up many opportunities for travel and relaxation, which can also make dating much easier and more interesting. That’s why even if someone is insecure about not having dated in their thirties, they can still have so much to look forward to after crossing their forties.
Megan Weks added that “when you date later, you choose from clarity instead of fantasy. You know who you are, what you value, and what you’ll never negotiate again. Partners who meet later in life bring better communication, better boundaries, and far less chaos.”
She explained that “people who’ve done inner work attract partners who’ve done inner work. When you meet later in life, you’re usually meeting someone who has built emotional capacity, not someone who’s still developing it. Overall, life experience brings depth. You love differently when you’ve lived more. You love with more empathy, more wisdom, and a more honest connection.”
#10
The fact that I am a man in my 50’s living alone in a rented townhouse with a cat is really all you need to know. .
#11
I am on Reddit. I will be on Reddit tomorrow night. And the night after that.
I have answered your question.
#12
Seems to be very location dependent.
I’m in NYC and it’s a lot of fun. There are tons of single, wonderful women in their thirties and forties who maybe prioritized other things earlier in life or refused to settle for less than a great match or moved on from one that wasn’t working for them.
Even when something isn’t a romantic spark, I still enjoy checking out a new spot and getting to know someone on a slightly more intimate level who you never would have crossed paths with otherwise.
aubergine10003 2 weeks ago
As soon as they said NYC was great for dating, I KNEW it had to be a man. For women, it's absolutely horrible. What this guy doesn't realize is that there are far more single women in NYC than single men (500,000 more in the 2010 census!) so it's not necessarily that they prioritized other things or refused to settle - they just literally couldn't find someone to even try to date. Signed, a 50-something who has been single in NYC for all but 2 of my 33 years here.
What you might have noticed from many of these posts is that the downsides of dating after forty are having to use the new apps, dealing with people’s kids, and accepting the other person’s baggage. It’s therefore important to take things at your own pace instead of rushing to find a partner or get into a relationship.
If dating apps don’t work for you, it’s always a good idea to take up new hobbies or join a club, which can help you meet people organically. It’s also important to be upfront about the things you value in a relationship and your non-negotiables so that both you and the other person can figure out whether you want to be together.
#13
There's so much negativity in here about dealing with the "baggage" that people have. While I know sometimes this manifests as something negative, I've found if you meet a well adjusted person and you don't outright dismiss their experiences, these are sometimes the people that actually went through enough to know what they actually want in a relationship. Straight forward, no "testing" people, adjusted to what the need from a relationship, as well as understanding their boundaries.
Sly Schlang 2 weeks ago
Exactly. From one boyfriend I learned exactly what I do not want in a partner. From the other I learned how good it is to meet someone who feels the same. Sadly he didn't live long and I will always miss him but at least there was a time... Maybe there will be another person for me. Or not. We will See.
#14
I’m late 30s guy, going through divorce, been dating for about 3 months. It’s honestly a great time, you get to swap stories of bad relationships, make some good friends, and have some fun along the way. I’ve found that women love a stable man who can carry a conversation, if you can just talk like a normal person for a few hours dating is a blast!
People in this comment section are way too down on an awesome phase in life!
#15
I know a rich widower in his 60’s who is having a great time dating, so I guess it’s ok for rich people.
Dating at any age can be a lot of fun as long as people are willing to open themselves up to new possibilities. The experience definitely changes as one gets older, but it can also be wonderful with the right kind of effort and enthusiasm. That’s why the best thing you can do if you’re dating after forty is to give it your best and to be true to yourself.
We’d love to hear what the dating world is like at your age and whether you have any advice for older folks looking to find love. Do share your thoughts in the comments below.
#16
We have cats and don’t leave the house.
#17
I wouldn't know. I've tried, but being liberal and athiest in rural Arkansas is... lonely.
Also, I'm widowed with two teenagers, so I'm not exactly baggage-free.
#18
Well, it’s not pouring into my apartment like my introverted self thought it would.
#19
I don't even try.
ROSESARERED 2 weeks ago
Unless Mr perfect for me knocks on my door, it's doubtful he'll ever be found...and I'm happy, very hapoy, in my single life
#20
There is no dating. There is no world.
My doctor was trying to convince me to get tested for STDs today.
I just laughed.
#22
So far, I've only been encountering emotionally unavailable men. The lesson I had to learn is to release them back into the wild quickly. I haven't been able to find any secure men.
#23
I appear to be one of the very few people who had an overall positive experience with online dating. I don't know why. Just an average looking guy with no money but I had no trouble finding dates. Most turned into nothing, but some turned into flings or something more. Many of those which turned into nothing were also a good experience. Interesting conversations with people I would not have met otherwise.
#24
My dating pool pretty much consists of divorced women and/or single moms. Their previous relationships have traumatized them so much that they are mostly avoidant and are too afraid to be vulnerable or trust that I'm not going to jeopardize their independence.
#25
As my dates approached 40, the urgency to close the deal and start a family got more and more intense. Everyone was on a tight schedule to declare go/no-go. After that, they suddenly went super chill, already had whatever career/house/family they wanted and just cared about good hangs.
#26
Not 40 yet but close. I was told men age better but all the women my age and older are beautiful and still look amazing and the men, not so much.
aubergine10003 2 weeks ago
Single men don't take care of themselves. Like, at all. The men my age look SO much older.
#27
Set the bar low…wait…lower…mmmm…little bit loooowwwer. There you go. Right there.
#28
You don't want to be out there.
#29
There are five options. None of them good:
A) Dating divorced people and navigating a minefield of post-marriage baggage.
B) Dating people you're not really attracted to physically or emotionally and there's definitely a reason they're still single.
C) Trying to convince your ex(s) to get back together and ignore all the trauma you've caused each other.
D) Being the creepy person always hitting on people 10+ years younger than you.
E) Stay single forever.
#30
My friends and I are in our 50s. The men want youth and beauty and want women in their 40s. And as they age, they won't raise those numbers much. The women want stability. The men don't have to be rich, but they need to have decent jobs. And they want height. They could be tiny themselves, but they'll pass up a great guy because he's not tall.
#31
Every single woman out there has in their head an image of the perfect guy, and I look like none of them.
#32
The what now? dating world? lol, theres no such thing - just apps, populated only with bots and the occasional scammer.
#33
Garbage.
People want you to change everything about yourself to be the one for them, but won't change a thing for you.
And I mean even little things.
What do you think ?
Michael Largey 2 weeks ago
I didn't do any dating when I was in my 40s. Not my idea, but my wife was so insistent.
Jane Doe 2 weeks ago
Tell her Bored Panda said hi and that she should give your goofy a$$ a hug.
Load More Replies... Kelly Scott 2 weeks ago (edited)
I'm not even going to try dating any more. I see the ads guys put out: they want someone young (they don't say it but they infer underage), they want someone with no "baggage" (that is, no life experience), they want someone beautiful with no wrinkles (they're delusional), someone who has more money than they do (cause they don't want to work), and no kids (so you can take care of their kids). When you tell them the two of you are probably incompatible (you have "Wants no kids" on your profile and they have "Wants kids" on theirs), all of a sudden you're a b***h and a tease and will be sorry one day you let this great opportunity slip away! How am I doing so far?
FreeTheUnicorn 2 weeks ago
Having met my partner while we were in our 30s, I have to agree with the standard Dan Savage advice, get involved in things you care about, spend time learning skills and hobbies and supporting your community, and you'll meet other interesting people doing the same. That doesn't mean don't use apps, but dating shouldn't be a hobby. Be an interesting person get engaged in stuff, trybnew things, be active in what you're passionate about and you'll probably find someone of a similar mind. And if you don't you'll be happier and more desirable than if you're at home doom swiping.
KatSaidThat 2 weeks ago
For me, it came as two types - those who just wanted a hook up, and those looking for a replacement wife/stepmother. I just wanted like minded company for fun days out with potential for future but at slow pace. So now I stay single, easier that way. And I'm happy single so that is one less issue because a lot of my female friends feel the need to couple up or feel incomplete without a partner.
Sarah Kathrin Matsoukis 2 weeks ago
I don't like kids and my bunnies and I are a package deal. No dogs unless they're so well trained they'll drop a pork chop on command. I don't put up with family drama and my boundaries are unapologetically enforced.
Ivy la Sangrienta 2 weeks ago
I'm not on any apps, and never will be. I'm too much of an introvert to meet anyone in real life. So, I'm single going on 22 years now.
TACO Don's Authentic TexMex 2 weeks ago
I gave up. I live my life, have my job, my hobbies and the fur gremlin who screams at me for attention. My peace is much to valuable to ruin it by dating yet another psycho who goes out of her way to sabotage her life and tries to drag me down with her. Granted that says as much about my taste in women as it does about them
Michael Largey 2 weeks ago
I didn't do any dating when I was in my 40s. Not my idea, but my wife was so insistent.
Jane Doe 2 weeks ago
Tell her Bored Panda said hi and that she should give your goofy a$$ a hug.
Load More Replies... Kelly Scott 2 weeks ago (edited)
I'm not even going to try dating any more. I see the ads guys put out: they want someone young (they don't say it but they infer underage), they want someone with no "baggage" (that is, no life experience), they want someone beautiful with no wrinkles (they're delusional), someone who has more money than they do (cause they don't want to work), and no kids (so you can take care of their kids). When you tell them the two of you are probably incompatible (you have "Wants no kids" on your profile and they have "Wants kids" on theirs), all of a sudden you're a b***h and a tease and will be sorry one day you let this great opportunity slip away! How am I doing so far?
FreeTheUnicorn 2 weeks ago
Having met my partner while we were in our 30s, I have to agree with the standard Dan Savage advice, get involved in things you care about, spend time learning skills and hobbies and supporting your community, and you'll meet other interesting people doing the same. That doesn't mean don't use apps, but dating shouldn't be a hobby. Be an interesting person get engaged in stuff, trybnew things, be active in what you're passionate about and you'll probably find someone of a similar mind. And if you don't you'll be happier and more desirable than if you're at home doom swiping.
KatSaidThat 2 weeks ago
For me, it came as two types - those who just wanted a hook up, and those looking for a replacement wife/stepmother. I just wanted like minded company for fun days out with potential for future but at slow pace. So now I stay single, easier that way. And I'm happy single so that is one less issue because a lot of my female friends feel the need to couple up or feel incomplete without a partner.
Sarah Kathrin Matsoukis 2 weeks ago
I don't like kids and my bunnies and I are a package deal. No dogs unless they're so well trained they'll drop a pork chop on command. I don't put up with family drama and my boundaries are unapologetically enforced.
Ivy la Sangrienta 2 weeks ago
I'm not on any apps, and never will be. I'm too much of an introvert to meet anyone in real life. So, I'm single going on 22 years now.
TACO Don's Authentic TexMex 2 weeks ago
I gave up. I live my life, have my job, my hobbies and the fur gremlin who screams at me for attention. My peace is much to valuable to ruin it by dating yet another psycho who goes out of her way to sabotage her life and tries to drag me down with her. Granted that says as much about my taste in women as it does about them
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