Son Expects He Can Freeload Off His Parents After Moving Back In With Them – Flips Out When Dad Introduces Some New Rules
“As long as you live under my roof, you live according to my rules.” This cliche, often said by parents in movies and on TV, sounds fair and decent overall, doesn’t it? After all, if you don’t pay for rent or utilities, the very least you could do would be to do some chores and listen to your parents about what they’d prefer you (not) to do at home. (As long as they’re being objectively reasonable, of course.)
Redditor ChrisThrow367 shared a pickle of a story with the AITA community about how his 23-year-old son, Chris, moved back home after graduating college. According to the dad, his son doesn’t pitch in around the house and mooches off his parents. So the dad, the sole breadwinner for the entire family, decided to take matters into his own hands and set some ground rules. Unfortunately, they caused Chris to ‘flip out’ and sparked a lot of family drama.
You can read the redditor’s full story below, dear Pandas. When you’re done, let us know what you thought of the entire situation. Who do you think was right in this case? What did you think of the dad’s rules? Do you think that Chris should have been more proactive about finding some way to contribute to the family? Share your thoughts in the comment section at the bottom of the post.
Certified relationship and self-love coach Alex Scot talked to Bored Panda about the importance of positive reinforcement, compassion, and leading by example. You’ll find the full in-depth interview with the expert below.
Family drama ensued after a recent college graduate moved back in with his parents and had a problem with his dad setting out some rules for him
Image credits: Christian Erfurt
Relationship coach Alex told Bored Panda that she suggests positive reinforcement for even the slightest steps in the right direction when it comes to encouraging our kids to become more responsible. “For example, if you want the child to become better at picking up after themselves and you happen to catch them putting their plate in the sink or taking their laundry from the floor to the laundry room, give them some praise, ‘Thank you for putting your plate in the sink!'” she said that small bits of praise count for a lot.
However, thanking them isn’t enough. Parents need to set a positive example with their own actions. “It’s also important to note that children will do what you demonstrate to them more often than what you tell them to do. So leading by example is very important and that stems to things like taking responsibility, apologizing, and even healthy habits like nutrition and working out. If it’s an adult child, lean on setting boundaries and expectations, but keep in mind that positive reinforcement and demonstrating to them what you’d like is still applicable.”
According to Alex, whether or not an adult child moving back home will put a lot of stress on a couple depends entirely on their relationship with each other and with the child. It’s all relative! (Pun not intended, we assure you.)
“The best way to set yourselves up for success is to have an honest conversation prior to the adult child moving back in to set expectations, boundaries, and air out any concerns that may need to be compromised on,” Alex explained that it’s vital that everyone be on the same page. Clarity is essential. “The more specific the better. This way both the couple and the adult child are on the same page and there are no surprises once the move-in has happened.”
Alex also offered her insights about why some young adults might shy away from responsibilities that, to many, might seem very simple. According to the relationship coach, these individuals might be feeling overwhelmed or might even have undiagnosed disorders like ADHD. This can leave adult children “almost paralyzed when it comes to basic tasks like washing the dishes.” If you suspect this might be the case, it’s best to approach your child with compassion and talk to them about what they’re experiencing.
“‘Honey, I’ve noticed that some tasks like laundry or dishes are tasks that you avoid. Could you tell me what you’re feeling or thinking when those tasks come up?'” Alex suggested a potential way to approach the situation. “From there, empathize with them and if it aligns with symptoms of any sort take them to get diagnosed. Many adults are struggling with undiagnosed ADHD (and other disorders that present similarly) and they experience a lot of shame and frustration around why they can’t seem to self-motivate to do these types of things, and if you approach them with harsh words like, ‘You’re an adult, these are things everyone needs to do. Grow up!’ It will only cause more shame, self-loathing, and more overwhelm as those tasks pop up.”
Alex also noted that some young adults might not have enough life experience living independently, so it simply doesn’t pop up in their minds to help out their family with household chores and other tasks. “Another possibility is that if they have not gone out on their own yet and lived alone or with roommates, that could also be why they aren’t taking the initiative to assist around the house. It simply doesn’t occur to them because it hasn’t had to occur to them in the past. Bringing it up to their awareness in a non-combative way, and being clear with what their additional new responsibilities are is the way to go here.”
Most redditors thought that the dad did nothing wrong. Here’s what they had to say
The essence of the argument in the redditor’s family seems to be about finding the right balance between Chris’ independence and everyone else’s support of him. Nobody’s denying that life is rough right now: the Covid-19 pandemic has turned the renting and employment game on its head.
Paying rising rent rates is a challenge for many Americans and Europeans. Meanwhile, finding a job can be difficult depending on what your university major is and what experience you have. Some industries weren’t as resilient to the pandemic as others.
Personally (and don’t let my opinion affect yours), I believe that Chris isn’t entirely to blame for moving back home. The world’s still a mess and it can be hard to find your footing. Let’s face it, most of us have been in similar situations where we desperately need a helping hand from our family and friends. At least, temporarily.
However, at the same time, I also believe it’s incredibly important to be proactive about creating a firm foundation for your life: getting a job, doing basic chores, helping around the house, and offering your support to your own family as much as they’ve supported you. Getting everything handed to you on a silver platter might be comfortable, however, forging your own metaphorical platter shows independence, ambition, and grit. It’s possible to flourish even during the hardest of times.
Though when you look at the rates at which rent is rising, you won’t be surprised that Chris and many young adults like him are asking their parents whether they could move back into their old rooms.
According to USA Today, some cities are seeing jaw-dropping increases in rent prices. For instance, in Boise, Idaho, rent prices have gone up by a whopping 39 percent since March 2020. Yes, Pandas, you read that right: 39 friggin’ percent. It’s horrifying!
The median rent in the US has increased by 11.4 percent in 2021. Compare that to an average of 3.3 percent rent growth in the pre-pandemic years from 2017 to 2019. Meanwhile, rent prices are up 10.3 percent right now compared to late August of last year.
Most redditors were on the original poster’s side, saying that what the dad did was right. Or, as redditor Acheesement so eloquently and sarcastically summed the situation up: “I’m an adult, don’t treat me like a child. That being said, please buy all my food, clean up after me, and make me whatever food I want while I watch Netflix because I’m your special boy.”
However, not everyone was on the same page. Some redditors shared their opinions about how the dad’s rules were more about ‘punishing’ his son rather than helping him stand on his own two feet. But what do you think, dear Readers? We can’t wait to see what you make of all this drama.
However, some redditors had a different opinion about how the entire situation was handled
307Kviews
Share on Facebook
I moved back in with my parents and I had to pay rent. Half of my welfare money as I had lost my job. I also had to do my fair share of the chores, tidying up cleaning in general as well as be wholly responsible for ALL my own laundry. Also if I wanted any extras that were just for me, I had to pay for them myself. The money I gave my parents were for my share of the mortgage and other bills. What I got in return was the ability to live in a nice house and and be sure of a decent meal 3 times a day and running water and electricity, things you take for granted when you do live at home, but don't realise how much they cost when you're living by yourself. Nothing is free in this world and if I was living on my own I would have to have paid for them so why not when I am at home. If I am an adult and expect to be treated as one then I should act as one, and the first thing a person has to do as as adult is pay their way and do their share. Welcome to the real world.
Ever notice how every reddit post is so well written? Long and descriptive without any real specifics. Usually about some wildly overblown reaction to a situation everybody encounters. All leading up to the author asking strangers on the internet for advice. One might think these posts are all made up.
People on reddit know theyre fake. But Ive been to rich peoples houses with maids and the childrens bedroom doors had rules posted on them letting them know the maid doesnt do their laundry or cleaning of their rooms. Keeping them from being useless and lazy like this kid
Load More Replies...
His wife is an enabler for the son. She is creating a spoiled, selfish, lazy narcissist which will be unleashed on poor unsuspecting women he dates. You ever wonder about those horrific men who expect women to just give them everything like a doormat and he gives her nothing back? Look at the mother, she created him. This is a pattern. (woman saying this)
My second wife (don't judge me) did the same thing to our (her) son. Him in her life, kept her from suicide. In return, she gave him a free pass for life to all things legal and illegal.
Load More Replies...
Everyone is upset about the wifi limit but ffs it was 6 hours a day!!!! If you can't look for a job and apply to the ones you find in less than 6 hours a day you need to work on your capacity to concentrate and prioritize (which is the whole point of the rules for this guy). That's half his waking life he was spending online, while not doing dishes or picking his crap up or working a part time job or anything else to help out around the house.
Agreed, wifi isn't oxygen - I kind of get the impression it's not about the wifi exactly but about stopping him just pissing about on the Internet all day.
Load More Replies...
"Not a child anymore" ... then calls for his mom. Of course he should contribute, if not in cash then in taking part in shred work around the house....
"Mommy mommy, daddy says i'm no grownup! He's mean!'
Load More Replies...
You're definitely the bigger asshole. Asking him to clean up after himself and do his own laundry is totally reasonable. Suggesting that Netflix (which is like $12 a month) is lavish and piling on rules designed to humiliate him is not. Also, 4 months is not that long after graduating from college. Seriously, why did you have kids if you are going to view them as a burden?
When I had kids I knew they were going to be a burden because it takes a while for humans to function independently. And I was fine with that. Even enjoyed helping them learn to become independently functioning adults. But a 23-year-old is not a kid. It's time to grow up, and if he's resisting that, it's time to increase the pressure.
Load More Replies... I mean, are there extra circumstances? Is the kid in a field that hasn't bounced back from the pandemic? Like, does he do tech for major conventions? Pyrotechnics for large gatherings? Does he have some sort of medical condition that rules him out for working at a grocery store or supply warehouse? If so, dad crossed a line. But if the kid has a "general studies" degree and is just sitting around waiting to decide what to do with his life, *someone* needs to give him a nudge.
You are right, we need to know more about the circumstances. The son might even have adhd or might be depressed or simply needs more time to unwind after college. 4 months is no time at all when you're on a crossroads in your life. And why do they want him to flip burgers or similar? Once you get any job, it's much harder to find a new one. I know from my own experience that you can get stuck in a low paid job with a degree. Sometimes it's better to wait longer and get on your relevant career path. On the other hand, contributing to the house chores should be a must. And I'm pretty sure both parents contributed to the sons character, it's their fault if he was given everything for free as he was growing up. I wander if the dad even tried to ask him nicely first and explain to him WHY it's important he contributes. Some kids have no clue how much it costs to run a household or how much time it takes up.
Load More Replies...
NTA, but I agree with several of the comments that the father and mother should have been on the same page to start with. Also, the kid needs to help out around the house. He does need to have rules, but not the exact same ones as his much younger sister.
I get the impression that mum and dad were never going to be on the same page. They were on different books BEFORE dad came up with the rules.
Load More Replies...
Both are the assholes. The guy needs to do house chores like everybody else in the house (now it brings the question of, does the father also does chores?). And asking him to pay the utilities (if he can)is reasonable. But treating him like a child, calling him lazy for not having a job and restricting his WiFi (so he can’t find a job) is absurd.
The father may not do chores, but he is obviously contributing to the household in other ways-the son is doing NOTHING!
Load More Replies...
The dad does him no favors by treating him like a child. Tell his son he expect his son to conduct himself like an adult, including paying a sum of money for rent. It can just be a token amount, but something to drive home that son is no longer a dependent and will not be treated like one. Go so far as to partition your food away from his, so that unless he is invited to eat at dinner, he is expected to provide for himself. Get him a mini fridge/freezer if you have to.
phht I left home immediately at 18 and still went home for food
Load More Replies...
Why has he not had to do his own laundry for the last 10 years already?
I had one of those life changing events recently (4 years ago) Been living with my parents ever since. Day one, Moved in and did some cleaning of the guest bedroom (I still call it that). Day two, attended church. Day three, packed a lunch and walked to work. I didn't have a job yet, but I dressed for success and asked every one within walking distance for work. I had work for about a week. I paid rent, and put gas in my dad's car. Week two, I dressed for success (this time shirt and tie instead of hi-visibility safety clothing) and started looking for some kind of entry level job. I still worked for the first guy when he needed me, and in week 3 I found the job that would keep me employed until I could run my own business. I discussed with my dad what the added cost of my living here was and used it as a minimum amount for "rent" every week. I also cover repairs and other things around the house in addition to rent. Things such as carpet cleaning and garage door repair.
Good job being a good human being, an best of luck to you in your business venture. I'm guessing your parents will miss you when you move out!
Load More Replies...
Maybe approaching him first and talking to him about why he isn't helping out and taking care of his own cleaning and laundry would have been wise. I feel like the son might be suffering from a depression, or just need some help coping with his circumstances emotionally.
The son could be dealing with issues of depression and anxiety, which might be limiting his ability to fully function. This happens a lot with people who suddenly get thrust into the adult world. Perhaps a little understanding and counseling might help?
Chris is a d**k. My parents would have bitch slapped me into next week if I behaved like that!
The father is mostly right. There's no reason why his adult son shouldn't be able to do chores and try to make his stay as cheap as possible for his parents. He's old enough to understand that you can't have all the luxury when you're not earning anything. The only thing that is a little far fetched is the Wifi limitation. It doesn't cost the family anything extra if the son has 24 hours internet access. In these days you find and apply for jobs via the internet. Other than that, the rules are absolutely fine for a guy who has been freeloading and overstaying his welcome for 4 months.
If son is to be treated like an adult, he should paying for his food. Also any additional burden on the home's utilities, although that could be difficult to figure out. Paying rent is one thing, but their mortgage payment does not change with the number of people in the house. They shouldn't rely on his "rent" helping with that, otherwise they won't want him to leave when he wants to. Unless the family is on a plan with a data cap, there is no good reason to restrict the wi-fi use. There are good reasons to do that with a minor dependent, but not an adult in the same house. It's just the dad trying to show who's in charge and manipulating the son into leaving. Streaming services the son alone uses, the son should pay for.
Load More Replies... You have a responsibility as a parent to provide for your child financially as well emotionally. This man is an adult, whether his behavior bears that out or not, and has therefore reached to point of being held responsible and accountable for his own actions or lack thereof. Fatherly duties are not longer required from Dad. These "rules" that the son bitched about are no more than establishing the expectation that he pull his own weight, which is something he would have to do if he lived on his own. i think the only place where Dad is at fault in this situation, would be that he should have set these expectations BEFORE agreeing to allow the son to move in. i would further argue, that Dad may have done a bigger disservice to Son by not making him deal with his own problems as an adult. However, being a father myself, i cannot begrudge the man for wanting to help his son out, but those actions have consequences also.
Dad was prepping him for real life. While at home, Life is unreal. Low cost of living, meals, group phone plan. But Dad wanted better for his son.
Load More Replies... 
One thing that didn't sit entirely right with me is the fact that the poster felt the need to write the "important detail that he is the breadwinner". On the one hand he claims to not mention it often because it's the "families' money" but on the other hand he does seem to feel like his opinion weighs stronger than his wife's. This situation he described gives me the impression that he might lord it over his partner more frequently that HE brings home the money and that her contribution (and with that her opinion) is worth less than his. Obviously, I may be reading too much into his last sentence, it just seemed ... icky.
I had to move in with my parents when I was 30, with three little kids. Had just split with my husband, and was in dire straits. I payed them 300 dollars a month, bought all the food, and paid for the internet. They gave me a bedtime, and treated me in a way that ended up ruining our relationship. I kept my head down and took it, because after all I was in their house and thought since I needed their help, I deserved to be treated poorly. Its been many years at this point, but we have no relationship. I would say to this guy that some of his demands are reasonable, the wifi / netflix stuff just feels too far and passive aggressive. Plus, I would never ever kick my kid out or expect rent. My eldest is 19, and she needs all the money she can get to try and get her life started. Being a parent dosen't stop when your kid turns 18.
My parents never ever would want me to pay rent. Helping, maybe, and I fear that this point may come in my life that my help is not only appreciated, but really needed. But I'd never complain about food, etc. So my opinion is half/half.
ESH, but YTA. wifi for 6 hours a day? ridiculous. he should be working and searching for a job and cleaning up, but you need to not treat him like his sister. and why'd you call him a burden, you chose to have him! also, why didn't you talk to your wife? she's enabling him, you suck, your son sucks but i know where he gets it.
Kid is the a-hat, but he learned that probably from his parent(s), so..... he can contribute without paying. E.g., if he's unemployed, he can do the housework/laundry, sort of thing. You want unreasonable? .... Throwing the kid out with only what stuff of his fits in a trash bag. Who cares about hte wi-fi? Tons of areas don't even have it anyway in this world!
OP is totally the a-hole here. I understand that you want your child to be productive and contribute, but come on! Get on the same page with your spouse before rolling out this sort of thing.
Your wife needs to get a reality check. She is spoiling him and he will not look for a job is she doesn't stop doing what she does. Your wife is TA and not you. My grandson of 11 is cleaning after himself. Rules are rules. If he do not luke your rules then let him move out. He wull never find a job sitting on his a*s and not looking foe one. College degree doeant mean anything if you dont use it
For those complaining about the WiFi rule. If he is working for 8 hrs a day, sleeping for 8 hrs a day and has access to internet 6 hrs a day, that only leaves 2 hrs of not being on the web. As far as everything else my 16 and 13 yr old kids have done their own laundry since they were 5 and 7, they cook and plan 2 meals a week each, and know how to clean a house. If they need to move back in after college they will be held to the same standards along with a job and contributing money towards food and other expenses. Even if they need to work at a job not of their degree. I love my children more than life but I know that I am not helping them if I don't make them do the hard stuff. Oh and I'm a SAHM.
The expert who comments that the parents need to be aware of their ‘childrens’ feeling and be a ‘good example’ for them seem to be forgetting that this is a 23 year old adult that is involved! He is an adult and should be EXPECTED to do his own laundry, be thankful they are feeding him (not complaining about what is served!!) and actively looking for a job (any job that pays a wage at this point!)! The only thing I wouldn’t have restricted was use of internet data unless they are paying by usage. Mine is set up so that there is no extra charge for data. And yes anything that causes an extra charge to the ‘regular’ charge like special order shows or movies he should be expected to pay for or abstain from until he can pay! When I had my first job at 18 I paid a set amount of rent and I believe it teaches you that no ‘adult’ lives for free! That’s not ‘putting pressure’ on your adult children, that’s teaching them to be responsible adults!
"He's no child anymore" - exactly, children get to live for free, adults don't.
Plz & thank you for doing ur own crap, Bullshit the wife should have been on husbands side. Does she plan on spending the rest of her life with the son yes, then get ur ass to work & support him. She 4got who she married apparently she wont be able to complain when he marries & then gets dumped for being lazy. I wish i would have had the money to be able to send my kids to college. Son is an unappreciated d**k
NTA, especially if you don't want to be the future Brian Laundrie parents! No rules, enabling lazy but manipulative behavior, no consequences, hiding, throwing everybody else under the bus, leads straight to FBI detention.
ESH. He should have taught the kid earlier to clean/do chores. He should have talked with the wife before trying to apply rules. The wife should have talked with the father alone. The kid is a lazy brat, but it probably is not his fault. It's bad parenting to let your kid be the king of the house for 18 years and when they reach certain age to automatically assume that they have to be adults and will know how to do chores. You have to teach them to do chores and take responsibilities gradually and not be their slave and then one day tell them "bam! you are adult now, act like one".
He just got played the old, "divide and conquer" game. The wife was never on board with with the father and he lost all credibility as soon as she came to the son's rescue. This entitled, little brat will never have to do anything for himself as long as mommy is willing to take care of him. IMO a divorce is imminent. What a shame
If he wants to be treated like an adult, he has to act like an adult. However, going into that discussion without the back-up of his wife, was just stupid.
Okay the son blowing up at these rules just shows how unbelievably immature he is. I’m too young to have a source of income but as an adult, I will most certainly pay for any subscriptions for entertainment cause once I’m able, my parents shouldn’t have to do that for me. I can’t believe he’s just going in there and leaving a mess everywhere, I already am expected to clean up after myself, and if I don’t, no one is going to do it for me. Being an adult and having your mother wash your laundry and dishes is ridiculous, and if he doesn’t like what’s being cooked, he can make his own food. The no WiFi more than 6 hours feels a little odd but still, he’s an adult, he can find somewhere else to get WiFi or he can start paying for it. The dad should’ve talked with his wife before the son to prevent the argument, but I think these rules are 100% reasonable and the son being so immature in this situation (and the mother backing him up) is sad.
I think they both have a bit of an "a hole" in their actions. The dad for not talking to his wife (his equal partner) about what they should do and making an agreement together. And for giving his son some pretty juvenile rules. Like WiFi and complaining (though I can understand both). The son for being a freeloader. I think they should be grownup rules. Like the son should treat job searching like a full time job (6-8hrs a weekday), do chores around the house (laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cooking). In essence the rules should be stricter but also more towards a grown man living in a house free of rent.
NTA, also TA, also ... we don't know any backstory. We don't know any about his upbringing. We don't know any more than a onesided view on one situation, which usually is written in a way that implies NTA anyway - no one expecting to be told he's TA ever askes any AITA. So, I strongly believe that maybe you are, maybe you are not. And so is he.
Him and his wife should've had this discussion privately together *before* they even let the son move in. Then, had a discussion with the son together letting him know what was expected. Un-ringing that bell is much harder. My mom was very clear when we were growing up, that after high school we were either expected to be in college/school or had a job and regardless were expected to contribute to the house in some way, either financial or by doing chores beyond taking care of our own stuff. But, honestly, we were always expected to do our share of household chores (appropriate to developmental level).
I raised two sons (now over 40). My husband and I both worked but regardless of our economic situation, it was our job to prepare our sons for adulthood. Our oldest son was the first to move out. We immediately changed his nice large bedroom into an exercise room. After the first foray in to adulthood failed and asked to move back, he was given the smaller bedroom. He moved out but soon asked for another do-over. Tada, he had the den couch. The last appeal resulted in an unheated shop in our backyard. I'm glad he wasn't demoted to a tent. Oh well. He's an adult with a teenaged son and he and his family live on their own farm. The youngest son used his brother's lesson plan and once out, always out. At no point in our lives have we ever allowed our children, grandchildren, etc. to lord over us. We did not owe our children an easy life. The son (and daughter) owe their parents respect and appreciation for all they have done. It sounds like this son (regardless of upbringing), thinks that he is a perpetually a dependant and his parents somehow owe him. Nay....not in my house.
Apply the concept of compromise. Granted the job market is not great and rents are astronomical. There are common decency issues with regards to cleaning up after ones self. Start him in a part time job ASAP. if he wants to complain about the food, tell him to buy and fix his own.
I like this post! Nice juicy complicated situation. It's the best AITA on Bored Panda since the one about the beekeeper living next door to a kid with a bee allergy.
The dad and Chris are both in the wrong. Dad decided how the situation was going to be handled and didn't bother to listen to his wife's concerns and have a conversation, deciding on next steps as equal partners and parents. He also clearly has some harsh judgments of his son, characterizing him as lazy, irresponsible, and a burden, which I'm sure Chris is fully aware. Imagine being a 20-something kid (and maybe a bit of a punk, sure) and you're struggling to transition into adult life and struggling to find work. You probably need some guidance, support, and compassion. And your dad is none too subtle about making sure you know he thinks you're a failure. You might find yourself feeling pretty angry at Dad and wanting to rebel toward him, whereas Mom would be the parent you lean on because she at least has some compassion for you (and she might not hold strict enough boundaries because she's overcompensating for Dad's hurtful attitude).
My parents don't even know what Netflix is, so I pay it myself. I don't really like what they eat, so I buy and make food myself. Often making them dinner too. And occasionally eating what they make. We all put $100 every month in an envelope to cover whatever needs covered. We also work together around the house and in the yard. Whoever has time does the dishes or laundry, no matter if it's mine or not. We never had any rules. We always did it without having to be told to, that's how my mom raised me and my brother, dad just followed along lol
Those rules should be on table when either side suggested to move in. You don't get rent unless you accept conditions and fulfill them up front. He's literally being 5 yo in this story so yes he gets to be treated as child no matter how old he is. Btw, I'd introduce curfew and bedtime as well. Children are supposed to be at home and in bed on time.
Just a quick question related to rule C: Is mobile data really so expensive in US (I guess) that people have to rely on WiFi? I have understood that unlimited data usage is not common, but no usage at all.
It varies. There are plans that are unlimited, some have generous caps, and presumably some are a little tight. My guess is that it's not the data, it's that dad feels like Chris is spending his day playing games, farting around on social media, watching youtube, and reading Bored Panda instead of trying to get a job.
Load More Replies...
This is not too uncommon a problem. We reap what we sow. Teaching good values to our children begins from the cradle. It's said that everything a child learns from 1-5 up pretty much lays the foundation for the child. So it's not all the son's fault that he feels 'entitled' The parents should have laid the rules down before he came home. Both parents need to be in agreement with the rules. A house divided will not stand. There's a lot of growing up to be learnt for all.
This kid needs to get off hi a$$ and help around the house at the least! I lived at home until I was 23 because I didn't think I could afford to live on my own. I cleaned my dad's house top to bottom every week (he is a slob and borderline hoarder) since I moved in at 16. I even did my own grocery shopping and cooking. Yes, he gave me money even when I and bought my used car because I was in high school. I finally couldn't take it when his brother was going to move in. I've been on my own ever since. yes, my parents have helped when I had emergencies. But I have also helped them especially since I got married to a good guy with a decent job. I put them on our cell plan and paid it for years until I lost my job (and health insurance) for medical reasons. But now my dad's bill is $20 a month so I don't even bother.
PFF, at this age...your ruleS( because you have been living alone and you know what you want and what you want to do and how you do you want to do it), but if you are in someones else house, their rules. that's first of all, even if it's your parents house, it doesen't matter. Second, you will be always bad cop( for the moment) because your wife it's with your son,(understandable), as you are. The point here is that ,i think ,that you are trying to make your son responsable of his acting. Having said that, he is still your son, and is very hard to set those boundaries, but i think that you are doing well. it happened to me the same situation when i was young ,exactly the same, and i was pissed ,A LOT, but , after i found my way of living , i can't be more grateful about it. THANKS DAD!
Ya and I bet he got trauma and anxiety from this. You do what my generation did and get more room mates than there are bed rooms. That was when rent was like 400 for a two bedroom
It was the plane ride back home that caused the trauma. Some peasant in economy class was wearing cheep fragrance and the flight attendant refused to open a window to air out the plane.
Load More Replies...
The wife needs to rethink her choice of house pet. Sadly, zoos won't take large primates that have lived among humans and rehoming them is really, really hard. House cats do pretty much f**k all and often complain about food, too, but their upkeep is far less than for a large primate and most do keep mice away.
1) OP should have discussed the rules with his wife first as now they both look like idiots, mostly him. also decisions should be taken by both spouses so it is weird he did not discussed this. probably considers himself a head of the family who rules over all 2) wifi and netflix rules are absolutely stupid. he needs wifi not only to look for a job but also to chill out and stay in contact with friends from collage. wifi is paid for anyway so it doesnt cost them additional money. he is not a child and should be able to decide how much screen time/wifi time is good for him. he definitely should not have the same rules as his younger sister as it is not teaching him anything it just humiliates him. OP is out of reality. 3) Some ppl suggest the son could get some low paid job to contribute but i disagree. Employers seeing the degree will tell him he is overqualified and they will not spend time with training him if he probably leaves in a few months anyway. 1/2
2/2 if he got a low paid job it would just drain energy from him he needs to look for job he is qualified to do. 4) what he definitely should do: help with chores, be gratefull and not complain about food; look for a job; he could have a side money if he offers online tutoring for younger university students in his field or provide language lessons online ( English conversations to foreigners) which would not degrade him to less qualified worker, it wont take much time as he decides how many hours he is able to provide, would get him some money and additional relevant experience in the field
Load More Replies...
Well, you sort of ARE the A. First, you should have discussed this with your wife and got her on board. Second, you should have established this at the beginning, not 4 months later. Finally, you and your wife raised a spoiled, entitled, inconsiderate jackass of a son. You taught him to be what he is.
No offense, I don't KNOW if this is offensive, but this kinda reminds me of that one episode of Dhar Mann.
The WiFi and Netflix rules are ridiculous but the others are not.
I’m thinking, maybe just having a sit down and saying nicely the new “adult child” expectations would have been better than drawing the line first on paper and making a bigger deal than maybe needed to be. I also think the WiFi limits and Netflix are a bit odd. I would implement daily/weekly expectations for cleaning etc. I would also have a chat about kindly accepting food, maybe offer him teaching lessons if he has time now so he can be a better cook once on him own and gets a better idea of the difficulty and time. Expect to be keeping resume up to date, job searching and maybe extra jobs around the house if not outside of the home. I get it, I just think this idea young adults with a college degree will be able to afford living on their own with how expensive stuff is (IN the US anyways) not reality. I personally started telling my kids now (the older age 11/13 ones) if they live at home during college and therefore after there will be a lot of expectations of respect etc.
the main rules for a child moving back in like this is: 1) you are no longer a child. We do not have to support you. 2) If you are going to stay here, get a job & start paying your share of the bills, food costs, and rent like any roommate/housemate. 3) If you are not going to work, get out. Freeload off of one of your frat-boy buddies or other friends until they kick you out 4) If all else fails & you can't get any job, join the military. The marines will help you to grow up, sounds like you need their help. 5) No excuses, there are jobs out there. Take one "beneath your dignity" that seems menial. It can be a stepping stone to something else better. If nothing else, you will finally learn how to work. (Parents, if you tolerate your precious little Jimmy or Jennifer using you for free rent, food, and gas, then you deserve the unhappy situation you have brought on yourself. Don't be an enabler. It takes two to make something like this happen.)
Before I read the other responses I need to say; you should have deeply discussed this with your wife before approaching the son. I agree with parents making rules and I would have made even MORE but you've treated your wife like a lower class employee unless you did discuss it with her beforehand and her opinions were of the same value as yours (not lesser).
I hate this. Kids don't owe their parents anything and their parents owe them EVERYTHING. The child never asked to be brought into this shitty world. Especially when money and resources are tights and disasters are plenty. No f**k you parents take care of your f*****g kids. We're not here to look after you were here to try and enjoy the shitty lives you have set forth for us
I think this comment is the saddest thing I've heard all week.
Load More Replies...
I'm sure when dad gets old and needs to live with his son he'll enjoy being called a burden and having is internet limited.
I agree. This kind of parents are the ones that later expect to be taken care off. Both my parents do nothing for my grandmas. My dad mum is taken care by his sister (of course women need to be the caregiver) and some of the female grandkids (I try to do it when I am there but I live abroad). My mums mum has mental problems (she cannot talk or write anymore) but they refuse to being her to a retirement home or take her to their house (my bedroom is free). They found her the other day in the floor after who knows how many hours being unable to move. I hope that they dont expect me to take care of them when they are their age.
Load More Replies...
I'm guessing the money issue is far bigger then op described. If Chris doesn't have a job are his parents paying his car note, insurance and phone too? Gas? On top of feeding him? My parents wouldn't stand for it. I moved back home after college for a month while I waited on the current tenants of my rental house to finish moving to Oklahoma and I still gave my parents $500 for feeding me, letting me stay there and storing my stuff. But I do feel like living with parents makes you feel like a kid again and dependent especially when you haven't been gone long.
Neoliberal capitalism is the core issue. It has led to massive social and generational inequality and division with the flames constantly being fanned by rightwing media pressing the agenda of the elites: that you're lazy if you don't work 2 jobs and aspire to the me, me, me American dream. None of this is accidental. What 20 something having invested $60k of debt and realising that they are unlikely to ever own their own home is going to be motivated to work for $10/hr on a zero-hours contract where the little self-respect they have left will be chiselled away and clinical depression takes hold. Capitalism is the problem. Billionaires are the problem. Corrupt governments and politicians are the problem. We can do better. We need to do better if humanity is to survive.
What a crock. No one is asking the kid to subscribe to the American dream. He is being asked to pick up after himself, quit bitching about the food his mom makes, and get a job. A lazy, entitled 23-year-old who does not want to grow up is the problem. "Waah! I want to sit on my a$$ watching netflix and playing video games and my parents think I should get a job. Help, help! I'm being repressed by neoliberal capitalism!" Good luck with that.
Load More Replies... c and d r a little crazy considering ppl can actually make money off of youtube. my parents used to b strict until they learned that things i did could actually make me money. i did paid beta testing for unreleased video games, made game guides on twitch etc. it took until my early 20s for them to realize this but better late then never. im on disability so i cant get criticized for not having a job but i can still make money. i was even told that if its not an actual job i can still do it. i can do anything that consists of a camera not being on me basically i dont do the guides anymore tho i dont play the games i used to enough to kno updates they have now well. i dont do beta testing either life has become different since i dont live with my parents anymore
It always amazes me that people have children and then expect them to be like everyone else when they grow up. Expect them to want to get a cr@ppy job that pays cr@ppy wages. Why did you have kids in the first place? I bet I know why… because you think they will want to take care of you when you’re older. Most people who have kids don’t do it for the reasons they tell everyone they do it. They do it because secretly they don’t want to be alone when they’re older. Ridiculous.
100%. And the father must be poor and unsuccessful or there’s no way a little rent would even be a problem. So just say that the problem is you’re poor and can’t afford another person, and not blame the son for your financial state. Because he is your son and you’re responsible for him even as an adult. The least successful people are the ones who make these kind of rules. Successful people don’t ask guests for rent and don’t see their own children as guests. American culture is so poverty-centric. And if the guy is so poor then he shouldn’t be mad that his son is too. Getting a low wage job won’t help the son get anywhere.
Load More Replies...
He gets 6 hours of WiFi. That's plenty of time to job hunt assuming he does that instead of YT Live streaming.
Load More Replies... I moved back in with my parents and I had to pay rent. Half of my welfare money as I had lost my job. I also had to do my fair share of the chores, tidying up cleaning in general as well as be wholly responsible for ALL my own laundry. Also if I wanted any extras that were just for me, I had to pay for them myself. The money I gave my parents were for my share of the mortgage and other bills. What I got in return was the ability to live in a nice house and and be sure of a decent meal 3 times a day and running water and electricity, things you take for granted when you do live at home, but don't realise how much they cost when you're living by yourself. Nothing is free in this world and if I was living on my own I would have to have paid for them so why not when I am at home. If I am an adult and expect to be treated as one then I should act as one, and the first thing a person has to do as as adult is pay their way and do their share. Welcome to the real world.
Ever notice how every reddit post is so well written? Long and descriptive without any real specifics. Usually about some wildly overblown reaction to a situation everybody encounters. All leading up to the author asking strangers on the internet for advice. One might think these posts are all made up.
People on reddit know theyre fake. But Ive been to rich peoples houses with maids and the childrens bedroom doors had rules posted on them letting them know the maid doesnt do their laundry or cleaning of their rooms. Keeping them from being useless and lazy like this kid
Load More Replies... His wife is an enabler for the son. She is creating a spoiled, selfish, lazy narcissist which will be unleashed on poor unsuspecting women he dates. You ever wonder about those horrific men who expect women to just give them everything like a doormat and he gives her nothing back? Look at the mother, she created him. This is a pattern. (woman saying this)
My second wife (don't judge me) did the same thing to our (her) son. Him in her life, kept her from suicide. In return, she gave him a free pass for life to all things legal and illegal.
Load More Replies... Everyone is upset about the wifi limit but ffs it was 6 hours a day!!!! If you can't look for a job and apply to the ones you find in less than 6 hours a day you need to work on your capacity to concentrate and prioritize (which is the whole point of the rules for this guy). That's half his waking life he was spending online, while not doing dishes or picking his crap up or working a part time job or anything else to help out around the house.
Agreed, wifi isn't oxygen - I kind of get the impression it's not about the wifi exactly but about stopping him just pissing about on the Internet all day.
Load More Replies... "Not a child anymore" ... then calls for his mom. Of course he should contribute, if not in cash then in taking part in shred work around the house....
"Mommy mommy, daddy says i'm no grownup! He's mean!'
Load More Replies... You're definitely the bigger asshole. Asking him to clean up after himself and do his own laundry is totally reasonable. Suggesting that Netflix (which is like $12 a month) is lavish and piling on rules designed to humiliate him is not. Also, 4 months is not that long after graduating from college. Seriously, why did you have kids if you are going to view them as a burden?
When I had kids I knew they were going to be a burden because it takes a while for humans to function independently. And I was fine with that. Even enjoyed helping them learn to become independently functioning adults. But a 23-year-old is not a kid. It's time to grow up, and if he's resisting that, it's time to increase the pressure.
Load More Replies... I mean, are there extra circumstances? Is the kid in a field that hasn't bounced back from the pandemic? Like, does he do tech for major conventions? Pyrotechnics for large gatherings? Does he have some sort of medical condition that rules him out for working at a grocery store or supply warehouse? If so, dad crossed a line. But if the kid has a "general studies" degree and is just sitting around waiting to decide what to do with his life, *someone* needs to give him a nudge.
You are right, we need to know more about the circumstances. The son might even have adhd or might be depressed or simply needs more time to unwind after college. 4 months is no time at all when you're on a crossroads in your life. And why do they want him to flip burgers or similar? Once you get any job, it's much harder to find a new one. I know from my own experience that you can get stuck in a low paid job with a degree. Sometimes it's better to wait longer and get on your relevant career path. On the other hand, contributing to the house chores should be a must. And I'm pretty sure both parents contributed to the sons character, it's their fault if he was given everything for free as he was growing up. I wander if the dad even tried to ask him nicely first and explain to him WHY it's important he contributes. Some kids have no clue how much it costs to run a household or how much time it takes up.
Load More Replies... NTA, but I agree with several of the comments that the father and mother should have been on the same page to start with. Also, the kid needs to help out around the house. He does need to have rules, but not the exact same ones as his much younger sister.
I get the impression that mum and dad were never going to be on the same page. They were on different books BEFORE dad came up with the rules.
Load More Replies... Both are the assholes. The guy needs to do house chores like everybody else in the house (now it brings the question of, does the father also does chores?). And asking him to pay the utilities (if he can)is reasonable. But treating him like a child, calling him lazy for not having a job and restricting his WiFi (so he can’t find a job) is absurd.
The father may not do chores, but he is obviously contributing to the household in other ways-the son is doing NOTHING!
Load More Replies... The dad does him no favors by treating him like a child. Tell his son he expect his son to conduct himself like an adult, including paying a sum of money for rent. It can just be a token amount, but something to drive home that son is no longer a dependent and will not be treated like one. Go so far as to partition your food away from his, so that unless he is invited to eat at dinner, he is expected to provide for himself. Get him a mini fridge/freezer if you have to.
phht I left home immediately at 18 and still went home for food
Load More Replies... Why has he not had to do his own laundry for the last 10 years already?
I had one of those life changing events recently (4 years ago) Been living with my parents ever since. Day one, Moved in and did some cleaning of the guest bedroom (I still call it that). Day two, attended church. Day three, packed a lunch and walked to work. I didn't have a job yet, but I dressed for success and asked every one within walking distance for work. I had work for about a week. I paid rent, and put gas in my dad's car. Week two, I dressed for success (this time shirt and tie instead of hi-visibility safety clothing) and started looking for some kind of entry level job. I still worked for the first guy when he needed me, and in week 3 I found the job that would keep me employed until I could run my own business. I discussed with my dad what the added cost of my living here was and used it as a minimum amount for "rent" every week. I also cover repairs and other things around the house in addition to rent. Things such as carpet cleaning and garage door repair.
Good job being a good human being, an best of luck to you in your business venture. I'm guessing your parents will miss you when you move out!
Load More Replies... Maybe approaching him first and talking to him about why he isn't helping out and taking care of his own cleaning and laundry would have been wise. I feel like the son might be suffering from a depression, or just need some help coping with his circumstances emotionally.
The son could be dealing with issues of depression and anxiety, which might be limiting his ability to fully function. This happens a lot with people who suddenly get thrust into the adult world. Perhaps a little understanding and counseling might help?
Chris is a d**k. My parents would have bitch slapped me into next week if I behaved like that!
The father is mostly right. There's no reason why his adult son shouldn't be able to do chores and try to make his stay as cheap as possible for his parents. He's old enough to understand that you can't have all the luxury when you're not earning anything. The only thing that is a little far fetched is the Wifi limitation. It doesn't cost the family anything extra if the son has 24 hours internet access. In these days you find and apply for jobs via the internet. Other than that, the rules are absolutely fine for a guy who has been freeloading and overstaying his welcome for 4 months.
If son is to be treated like an adult, he should paying for his food. Also any additional burden on the home's utilities, although that could be difficult to figure out. Paying rent is one thing, but their mortgage payment does not change with the number of people in the house. They shouldn't rely on his "rent" helping with that, otherwise they won't want him to leave when he wants to. Unless the family is on a plan with a data cap, there is no good reason to restrict the wi-fi use. There are good reasons to do that with a minor dependent, but not an adult in the same house. It's just the dad trying to show who's in charge and manipulating the son into leaving. Streaming services the son alone uses, the son should pay for.
Load More Replies... You have a responsibility as a parent to provide for your child financially as well emotionally. This man is an adult, whether his behavior bears that out or not, and has therefore reached to point of being held responsible and accountable for his own actions or lack thereof. Fatherly duties are not longer required from Dad. These "rules" that the son bitched about are no more than establishing the expectation that he pull his own weight, which is something he would have to do if he lived on his own. i think the only place where Dad is at fault in this situation, would be that he should have set these expectations BEFORE agreeing to allow the son to move in. i would further argue, that Dad may have done a bigger disservice to Son by not making him deal with his own problems as an adult. However, being a father myself, i cannot begrudge the man for wanting to help his son out, but those actions have consequences also.
Dad was prepping him for real life. While at home, Life is unreal. Low cost of living, meals, group phone plan. But Dad wanted better for his son.
Load More Replies... One thing that didn't sit entirely right with me is the fact that the poster felt the need to write the "important detail that he is the breadwinner". On the one hand he claims to not mention it often because it's the "families' money" but on the other hand he does seem to feel like his opinion weighs stronger than his wife's. This situation he described gives me the impression that he might lord it over his partner more frequently that HE brings home the money and that her contribution (and with that her opinion) is worth less than his. Obviously, I may be reading too much into his last sentence, it just seemed ... icky.
I had to move in with my parents when I was 30, with three little kids. Had just split with my husband, and was in dire straits. I payed them 300 dollars a month, bought all the food, and paid for the internet. They gave me a bedtime, and treated me in a way that ended up ruining our relationship. I kept my head down and took it, because after all I was in their house and thought since I needed their help, I deserved to be treated poorly. Its been many years at this point, but we have no relationship. I would say to this guy that some of his demands are reasonable, the wifi / netflix stuff just feels too far and passive aggressive. Plus, I would never ever kick my kid out or expect rent. My eldest is 19, and she needs all the money she can get to try and get her life started. Being a parent dosen't stop when your kid turns 18.
My parents never ever would want me to pay rent. Helping, maybe, and I fear that this point may come in my life that my help is not only appreciated, but really needed. But I'd never complain about food, etc. So my opinion is half/half.
ESH, but YTA. wifi for 6 hours a day? ridiculous. he should be working and searching for a job and cleaning up, but you need to not treat him like his sister. and why'd you call him a burden, you chose to have him! also, why didn't you talk to your wife? she's enabling him, you suck, your son sucks but i know where he gets it.
Kid is the a-hat, but he learned that probably from his parent(s), so..... he can contribute without paying. E.g., if he's unemployed, he can do the housework/laundry, sort of thing. You want unreasonable? .... Throwing the kid out with only what stuff of his fits in a trash bag. Who cares about hte wi-fi? Tons of areas don't even have it anyway in this world!
OP is totally the a-hole here. I understand that you want your child to be productive and contribute, but come on! Get on the same page with your spouse before rolling out this sort of thing.
Your wife needs to get a reality check. She is spoiling him and he will not look for a job is she doesn't stop doing what she does. Your wife is TA and not you. My grandson of 11 is cleaning after himself. Rules are rules. If he do not luke your rules then let him move out. He wull never find a job sitting on his a*s and not looking foe one. College degree doeant mean anything if you dont use it
For those complaining about the WiFi rule. If he is working for 8 hrs a day, sleeping for 8 hrs a day and has access to internet 6 hrs a day, that only leaves 2 hrs of not being on the web. As far as everything else my 16 and 13 yr old kids have done their own laundry since they were 5 and 7, they cook and plan 2 meals a week each, and know how to clean a house. If they need to move back in after college they will be held to the same standards along with a job and contributing money towards food and other expenses. Even if they need to work at a job not of their degree. I love my children more than life but I know that I am not helping them if I don't make them do the hard stuff. Oh and I'm a SAHM.
The expert who comments that the parents need to be aware of their ‘childrens’ feeling and be a ‘good example’ for them seem to be forgetting that this is a 23 year old adult that is involved! He is an adult and should be EXPECTED to do his own laundry, be thankful they are feeding him (not complaining about what is served!!) and actively looking for a job (any job that pays a wage at this point!)! The only thing I wouldn’t have restricted was use of internet data unless they are paying by usage. Mine is set up so that there is no extra charge for data. And yes anything that causes an extra charge to the ‘regular’ charge like special order shows or movies he should be expected to pay for or abstain from until he can pay! When I had my first job at 18 I paid a set amount of rent and I believe it teaches you that no ‘adult’ lives for free! That’s not ‘putting pressure’ on your adult children, that’s teaching them to be responsible adults!
"He's no child anymore" - exactly, children get to live for free, adults don't.
Plz & thank you for doing ur own crap, Bullshit the wife should have been on husbands side. Does she plan on spending the rest of her life with the son yes, then get ur ass to work & support him. She 4got who she married apparently she wont be able to complain when he marries & then gets dumped for being lazy. I wish i would have had the money to be able to send my kids to college. Son is an unappreciated d**k
NTA, especially if you don't want to be the future Brian Laundrie parents! No rules, enabling lazy but manipulative behavior, no consequences, hiding, throwing everybody else under the bus, leads straight to FBI detention.
ESH. He should have taught the kid earlier to clean/do chores. He should have talked with the wife before trying to apply rules. The wife should have talked with the father alone. The kid is a lazy brat, but it probably is not his fault. It's bad parenting to let your kid be the king of the house for 18 years and when they reach certain age to automatically assume that they have to be adults and will know how to do chores. You have to teach them to do chores and take responsibilities gradually and not be their slave and then one day tell them "bam! you are adult now, act like one".
He just got played the old, "divide and conquer" game. The wife was never on board with with the father and he lost all credibility as soon as she came to the son's rescue. This entitled, little brat will never have to do anything for himself as long as mommy is willing to take care of him. IMO a divorce is imminent. What a shame
If he wants to be treated like an adult, he has to act like an adult. However, going into that discussion without the back-up of his wife, was just stupid.
Okay the son blowing up at these rules just shows how unbelievably immature he is. I’m too young to have a source of income but as an adult, I will most certainly pay for any subscriptions for entertainment cause once I’m able, my parents shouldn’t have to do that for me. I can’t believe he’s just going in there and leaving a mess everywhere, I already am expected to clean up after myself, and if I don’t, no one is going to do it for me. Being an adult and having your mother wash your laundry and dishes is ridiculous, and if he doesn’t like what’s being cooked, he can make his own food. The no WiFi more than 6 hours feels a little odd but still, he’s an adult, he can find somewhere else to get WiFi or he can start paying for it. The dad should’ve talked with his wife before the son to prevent the argument, but I think these rules are 100% reasonable and the son being so immature in this situation (and the mother backing him up) is sad.
I think they both have a bit of an "a hole" in their actions. The dad for not talking to his wife (his equal partner) about what they should do and making an agreement together. And for giving his son some pretty juvenile rules. Like WiFi and complaining (though I can understand both). The son for being a freeloader. I think they should be grownup rules. Like the son should treat job searching like a full time job (6-8hrs a weekday), do chores around the house (laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cooking). In essence the rules should be stricter but also more towards a grown man living in a house free of rent.
NTA, also TA, also ... we don't know any backstory. We don't know any about his upbringing. We don't know any more than a onesided view on one situation, which usually is written in a way that implies NTA anyway - no one expecting to be told he's TA ever askes any AITA. So, I strongly believe that maybe you are, maybe you are not. And so is he.
Him and his wife should've had this discussion privately together *before* they even let the son move in. Then, had a discussion with the son together letting him know what was expected. Un-ringing that bell is much harder. My mom was very clear when we were growing up, that after high school we were either expected to be in college/school or had a job and regardless were expected to contribute to the house in some way, either financial or by doing chores beyond taking care of our own stuff. But, honestly, we were always expected to do our share of household chores (appropriate to developmental level).
I raised two sons (now over 40). My husband and I both worked but regardless of our economic situation, it was our job to prepare our sons for adulthood. Our oldest son was the first to move out. We immediately changed his nice large bedroom into an exercise room. After the first foray in to adulthood failed and asked to move back, he was given the smaller bedroom. He moved out but soon asked for another do-over. Tada, he had the den couch. The last appeal resulted in an unheated shop in our backyard. I'm glad he wasn't demoted to a tent. Oh well. He's an adult with a teenaged son and he and his family live on their own farm. The youngest son used his brother's lesson plan and once out, always out. At no point in our lives have we ever allowed our children, grandchildren, etc. to lord over us. We did not owe our children an easy life. The son (and daughter) owe their parents respect and appreciation for all they have done. It sounds like this son (regardless of upbringing), thinks that he is a perpetually a dependant and his parents somehow owe him. Nay....not in my house.
Apply the concept of compromise. Granted the job market is not great and rents are astronomical. There are common decency issues with regards to cleaning up after ones self. Start him in a part time job ASAP. if he wants to complain about the food, tell him to buy and fix his own.
I like this post! Nice juicy complicated situation. It's the best AITA on Bored Panda since the one about the beekeeper living next door to a kid with a bee allergy.
The dad and Chris are both in the wrong. Dad decided how the situation was going to be handled and didn't bother to listen to his wife's concerns and have a conversation, deciding on next steps as equal partners and parents. He also clearly has some harsh judgments of his son, characterizing him as lazy, irresponsible, and a burden, which I'm sure Chris is fully aware. Imagine being a 20-something kid (and maybe a bit of a punk, sure) and you're struggling to transition into adult life and struggling to find work. You probably need some guidance, support, and compassion. And your dad is none too subtle about making sure you know he thinks you're a failure. You might find yourself feeling pretty angry at Dad and wanting to rebel toward him, whereas Mom would be the parent you lean on because she at least has some compassion for you (and she might not hold strict enough boundaries because she's overcompensating for Dad's hurtful attitude).
My parents don't even know what Netflix is, so I pay it myself. I don't really like what they eat, so I buy and make food myself. Often making them dinner too. And occasionally eating what they make. We all put $100 every month in an envelope to cover whatever needs covered. We also work together around the house and in the yard. Whoever has time does the dishes or laundry, no matter if it's mine or not. We never had any rules. We always did it without having to be told to, that's how my mom raised me and my brother, dad just followed along lol
Those rules should be on table when either side suggested to move in. You don't get rent unless you accept conditions and fulfill them up front. He's literally being 5 yo in this story so yes he gets to be treated as child no matter how old he is. Btw, I'd introduce curfew and bedtime as well. Children are supposed to be at home and in bed on time.
Just a quick question related to rule C: Is mobile data really so expensive in US (I guess) that people have to rely on WiFi? I have understood that unlimited data usage is not common, but no usage at all.
It varies. There are plans that are unlimited, some have generous caps, and presumably some are a little tight. My guess is that it's not the data, it's that dad feels like Chris is spending his day playing games, farting around on social media, watching youtube, and reading Bored Panda instead of trying to get a job.
Load More Replies... This is not too uncommon a problem. We reap what we sow. Teaching good values to our children begins from the cradle. It's said that everything a child learns from 1-5 up pretty much lays the foundation for the child. So it's not all the son's fault that he feels 'entitled' The parents should have laid the rules down before he came home. Both parents need to be in agreement with the rules. A house divided will not stand. There's a lot of growing up to be learnt for all.
This kid needs to get off hi a$$ and help around the house at the least! I lived at home until I was 23 because I didn't think I could afford to live on my own. I cleaned my dad's house top to bottom every week (he is a slob and borderline hoarder) since I moved in at 16. I even did my own grocery shopping and cooking. Yes, he gave me money even when I and bought my used car because I was in high school. I finally couldn't take it when his brother was going to move in. I've been on my own ever since. yes, my parents have helped when I had emergencies. But I have also helped them especially since I got married to a good guy with a decent job. I put them on our cell plan and paid it for years until I lost my job (and health insurance) for medical reasons. But now my dad's bill is $20 a month so I don't even bother.
PFF, at this age...your ruleS( because you have been living alone and you know what you want and what you want to do and how you do you want to do it), but if you are in someones else house, their rules. that's first of all, even if it's your parents house, it doesen't matter. Second, you will be always bad cop( for the moment) because your wife it's with your son,(understandable), as you are. The point here is that ,i think ,that you are trying to make your son responsable of his acting. Having said that, he is still your son, and is very hard to set those boundaries, but i think that you are doing well. it happened to me the same situation when i was young ,exactly the same, and i was pissed ,A LOT, but , after i found my way of living , i can't be more grateful about it. THANKS DAD!
Ya and I bet he got trauma and anxiety from this. You do what my generation did and get more room mates than there are bed rooms. That was when rent was like 400 for a two bedroom
It was the plane ride back home that caused the trauma. Some peasant in economy class was wearing cheep fragrance and the flight attendant refused to open a window to air out the plane.
Load More Replies... The wife needs to rethink her choice of house pet. Sadly, zoos won't take large primates that have lived among humans and rehoming them is really, really hard. House cats do pretty much f**k all and often complain about food, too, but their upkeep is far less than for a large primate and most do keep mice away.
1) OP should have discussed the rules with his wife first as now they both look like idiots, mostly him. also decisions should be taken by both spouses so it is weird he did not discussed this. probably considers himself a head of the family who rules over all 2) wifi and netflix rules are absolutely stupid. he needs wifi not only to look for a job but also to chill out and stay in contact with friends from collage. wifi is paid for anyway so it doesnt cost them additional money. he is not a child and should be able to decide how much screen time/wifi time is good for him. he definitely should not have the same rules as his younger sister as it is not teaching him anything it just humiliates him. OP is out of reality. 3) Some ppl suggest the son could get some low paid job to contribute but i disagree. Employers seeing the degree will tell him he is overqualified and they will not spend time with training him if he probably leaves in a few months anyway. 1/2
2/2 if he got a low paid job it would just drain energy from him he needs to look for job he is qualified to do. 4) what he definitely should do: help with chores, be gratefull and not complain about food; look for a job; he could have a side money if he offers online tutoring for younger university students in his field or provide language lessons online ( English conversations to foreigners) which would not degrade him to less qualified worker, it wont take much time as he decides how many hours he is able to provide, would get him some money and additional relevant experience in the field
Load More Replies... Well, you sort of ARE the A. First, you should have discussed this with your wife and got her on board. Second, you should have established this at the beginning, not 4 months later. Finally, you and your wife raised a spoiled, entitled, inconsiderate jackass of a son. You taught him to be what he is.
No offense, I don't KNOW if this is offensive, but this kinda reminds me of that one episode of Dhar Mann.
The WiFi and Netflix rules are ridiculous but the others are not.
I’m thinking, maybe just having a sit down and saying nicely the new “adult child” expectations would have been better than drawing the line first on paper and making a bigger deal than maybe needed to be. I also think the WiFi limits and Netflix are a bit odd. I would implement daily/weekly expectations for cleaning etc. I would also have a chat about kindly accepting food, maybe offer him teaching lessons if he has time now so he can be a better cook once on him own and gets a better idea of the difficulty and time. Expect to be keeping resume up to date, job searching and maybe extra jobs around the house if not outside of the home. I get it, I just think this idea young adults with a college degree will be able to afford living on their own with how expensive stuff is (IN the US anyways) not reality. I personally started telling my kids now (the older age 11/13 ones) if they live at home during college and therefore after there will be a lot of expectations of respect etc.
the main rules for a child moving back in like this is: 1) you are no longer a child. We do not have to support you. 2) If you are going to stay here, get a job & start paying your share of the bills, food costs, and rent like any roommate/housemate. 3) If you are not going to work, get out. Freeload off of one of your frat-boy buddies or other friends until they kick you out 4) If all else fails & you can't get any job, join the military. The marines will help you to grow up, sounds like you need their help. 5) No excuses, there are jobs out there. Take one "beneath your dignity" that seems menial. It can be a stepping stone to something else better. If nothing else, you will finally learn how to work. (Parents, if you tolerate your precious little Jimmy or Jennifer using you for free rent, food, and gas, then you deserve the unhappy situation you have brought on yourself. Don't be an enabler. It takes two to make something like this happen.)
Before I read the other responses I need to say; you should have deeply discussed this with your wife before approaching the son. I agree with parents making rules and I would have made even MORE but you've treated your wife like a lower class employee unless you did discuss it with her beforehand and her opinions were of the same value as yours (not lesser).
I hate this. Kids don't owe their parents anything and their parents owe them EVERYTHING. The child never asked to be brought into this shitty world. Especially when money and resources are tights and disasters are plenty. No f**k you parents take care of your f*****g kids. We're not here to look after you were here to try and enjoy the shitty lives you have set forth for us
I think this comment is the saddest thing I've heard all week.
Load More Replies... I'm sure when dad gets old and needs to live with his son he'll enjoy being called a burden and having is internet limited.
I agree. This kind of parents are the ones that later expect to be taken care off. Both my parents do nothing for my grandmas. My dad mum is taken care by his sister (of course women need to be the caregiver) and some of the female grandkids (I try to do it when I am there but I live abroad). My mums mum has mental problems (she cannot talk or write anymore) but they refuse to being her to a retirement home or take her to their house (my bedroom is free). They found her the other day in the floor after who knows how many hours being unable to move. I hope that they dont expect me to take care of them when they are their age.
Load More Replies... I'm guessing the money issue is far bigger then op described. If Chris doesn't have a job are his parents paying his car note, insurance and phone too? Gas? On top of feeding him? My parents wouldn't stand for it. I moved back home after college for a month while I waited on the current tenants of my rental house to finish moving to Oklahoma and I still gave my parents $500 for feeding me, letting me stay there and storing my stuff. But I do feel like living with parents makes you feel like a kid again and dependent especially when you haven't been gone long.
Neoliberal capitalism is the core issue. It has led to massive social and generational inequality and division with the flames constantly being fanned by rightwing media pressing the agenda of the elites: that you're lazy if you don't work 2 jobs and aspire to the me, me, me American dream. None of this is accidental. What 20 something having invested $60k of debt and realising that they are unlikely to ever own their own home is going to be motivated to work for $10/hr on a zero-hours contract where the little self-respect they have left will be chiselled away and clinical depression takes hold. Capitalism is the problem. Billionaires are the problem. Corrupt governments and politicians are the problem. We can do better. We need to do better if humanity is to survive.
What a crock. No one is asking the kid to subscribe to the American dream. He is being asked to pick up after himself, quit bitching about the food his mom makes, and get a job. A lazy, entitled 23-year-old who does not want to grow up is the problem. "Waah! I want to sit on my a$$ watching netflix and playing video games and my parents think I should get a job. Help, help! I'm being repressed by neoliberal capitalism!" Good luck with that.
Load More Replies... c and d r a little crazy considering ppl can actually make money off of youtube. my parents used to b strict until they learned that things i did could actually make me money. i did paid beta testing for unreleased video games, made game guides on twitch etc. it took until my early 20s for them to realize this but better late then never. im on disability so i cant get criticized for not having a job but i can still make money. i was even told that if its not an actual job i can still do it. i can do anything that consists of a camera not being on me basically i dont do the guides anymore tho i dont play the games i used to enough to kno updates they have now well. i dont do beta testing either life has become different since i dont live with my parents anymore
It always amazes me that people have children and then expect them to be like everyone else when they grow up. Expect them to want to get a cr@ppy job that pays cr@ppy wages. Why did you have kids in the first place? I bet I know why… because you think they will want to take care of you when you’re older. Most people who have kids don’t do it for the reasons they tell everyone they do it. They do it because secretly they don’t want to be alone when they’re older. Ridiculous.
100%. And the father must be poor and unsuccessful or there’s no way a little rent would even be a problem. So just say that the problem is you’re poor and can’t afford another person, and not blame the son for your financial state. Because he is your son and you’re responsible for him even as an adult. The least successful people are the ones who make these kind of rules. Successful people don’t ask guests for rent and don’t see their own children as guests. American culture is so poverty-centric. And if the guy is so poor then he shouldn’t be mad that his son is too. Getting a low wage job won’t help the son get anywhere.
Load More Replies... He gets 6 hours of WiFi. That's plenty of time to job hunt assuming he does that instead of YT Live streaming.
Load More Replies...
140
130