Stepmom Asks If She Should Tell Stepdaughter That Her Dad Installed A Tracking Device In A Car He Gifted Her
Recently, a 36-year-old woman turned to the AITA community on Reddit to ask for advice. Her husband of three years has one daughter “Christine” and she is about to turn 18 years old, so he has bought her a new car as her birthday gift.
However, the relationship between the author’s stepdaughter and her husband is not going well. “I have to say that’s he’s incredibly overprotective of her but has done things that affected their relationship. Like, how he caused her to break up with her ex boyfriend after he got diagnosed with multiple health conditions.” No wonder Christine has grown distant from her dad.
Now, the author’s husband wants to reconcile with his daughter and bought her a car she always wanted for her birthday. So imagine the woman’s shock when despite her husband claiming he wants back his daughter’s trust, he installed a tracking device in her new car. This didn’t sit well with the author, and the family conflict followed.
Overprotective dad installs a tracking device in the car he bought for his daughter’s birthday despite claiming he wants to gain back her trust
Image credits: Gustavo Fring (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Erik Mclean (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Throwaway3490771
To find out more about parents who track their children and how it may affect the trust and relationship between them, we reached out to Anisa Lewis, a certified and accredited expert parenting coach specializing in positively transforming the lives of clients and their families.
According to Lewis, tracking your kids can be a good thing for a parent as it brings peace of mind; however, it is the manner in which it is done that is the overriding factor. “If it is being used to catch your child out, or potentially because there is a breakdown of trust or a need to control, then this needs addressing.”
“Open and honest communication with your child around the need to track, what and when parents might access the information and how they are going to use it is of paramount importance,” Lewis explained.
The parenting coach said that a dialogue to establish the boundaries and possible consequences is needed. “This helps your child to feel part of the process rather than the object being controlled. It also means that there are no surprises for your offspring or indeed yourselves.”
When asked whether a parent can ruin the relationship with their child if they find out they’re being tracked, Lewis said that potentially yes, “as it is a sign that trust and respect may not have been established.”
Reasons why some parents wish to control their children, no matter their age, comes down to “a big question and one that has many possible answers and not all of them straightforward,” Lewis said. The parenting coach believes that “primarily some parents control their children in order to keep them safe or they are parenting in the way they were parented and don’t know any different.”
Many people expressed their support for the author in this whole situation
My friends have two kids in college and they have trackers on the kids' phones. The made the kids aware that they have it so slightly different than this. That being said, one of the parents uses it exclusively for tracking the kids when they are driving home from school (or if they are on a road trip, etc.) to make sure they are ok. The other parent makes up excuses and pretty much tracks their location whenever. Every time I hear the parent talk about how one of the kids hasn't left their room most of the weekend or that they must be at the bar it drives me absolutely nuts. To me that is a blatant abuse of power and invasion of privacy. The OP needs to set boundaries and protect her daughter and probably herself at some point because her husband will do the same to her.
"he's trying to regain her trust" - "he'll install a tracking device in her car". Well, do I need to say more?
He doesn't want her trust to respect it or for the sake of a healthy relationship. He wants her to think he is trustworthy so that she tell him things he wants to know and listen to what he decides is good for her. It's only about manipulation and control. Plus, trust ins't about presents or materiel goods. I would feel insulted if someone did bad things to me and then try to buy my forgiveness with money.
Load More Replies...Besides the obvious, what really struck me was the “it’s none of your business.” Yes, it is stepmom’s business. The moment you marry someone with kids, you become a legal parent to them. You are legally responsible for their health and well-being. Therefore, anything that happens to that child is your business.
None of that matters if she's 18 and a legal adult. Her father sounds like a narcissist. He wants control over everyone in his life. Guaranteed that he has a tracker on wife's car and phone too. Then to gaslight her by tell her she's crazy.... Tell your stepdaughter quietly either before or after she gets the keys and suggest she take the car to a mechanic and have him/her remove the tracking device. Daddy can't yell at her because then he's letting her know he wants to track her every move. What a creep. Divorce court - now.
Load More Replies...As your birthday gift, take her car to the shop And get them to take out the tracker. Then, install that thing on HIS car.
Whoa this would be the second time in that forum I would suggest divorce. Hubbie def has a tracker on her car and phone.
You need to tell your stepdaughter and then pack your bags and get out and find a good lawyer. You need to protect yourself too. Check your electronics, phone, car for any tracking devices. Have a professional do it.
Pack bags FIRST. Get all belongings that you cherish into YOUR storage. THEN nail the bastard!
Load More Replies...As a parent, I can kind of understand wanting to track your child's whereabouts, but his method is super wrong. Reading this, I don't even think his heart is in it at all. For me, the literal only reason I would want to "track" my kids is so if they needed help, I would know where they are and go to them. However, they would have to be 100% aware of it and 100% consenting. I couldn't, in good conscience, just take liberties with my adult children like this. And to clarify, what I mean by knowing where they are to go help them, it would in an instance where they may be stranded on the side of a road they are unfamiliar with and cannot give me an address. I would definitely ask where they were first. Along with protecting our children, we must also remember to respect them. What this dad is doing is super controlling and cringe. I also must say that I have respect for the stepmom wanting to step up and show that she respects her stepdaughter, even though everyone seems to be against her.
NTA! Red flags galore! That man is a narcissistic pig! His daughter is going to be an 18 year old adult! You can't control your kids forever but apparently he thinks he can! The things the husband said to his wife was totally out of line. Especially the you have the kid part knowing she's unable to conceive. Extremely disrespectful & cruel! OP should definitely tell the daughter but after the party. Dad is trying to buy love which is wrong! But once she's told, then all bets are off! As far as the wife, get the hell out while you can and get a good lawyer ASAP! There's no telling what this abuser might do to you!
I think it's important to note that the daughter is turning 18, so she is no longer a child. OP should consider that she is talking to her as another adult, not as stepmother to stepchild.
Still stepmother to stepchild, but stepmother to ADULT stepchild. You don't erase the previous relationship by becoming an adult, after all, and it's important in this case because that previous relationship has been one ofvtrust and love that could be jeopardized by NOT telling the stepdaughter.
Load More Replies...I'd buy her a scanner for her birthday in private and remind her of all the weirdos out there that track young girls with air tags on vehicles and the like. And I'd tell her to do it every day. Then I'd sit back and wait for her to find it and let him run with his tail between his legs trying to fix his mess while I comfort her and tell her we need to get the police involved bc surely someone's targeting her
Why? That sounds so extra and damaging for the daughter to think some random sicko is targeting her.
Load More Replies...OP, I am so sorry, this is not okay. You are entirely correct, and you should get you and your Step-Daughter out of that house ASAP. Better yet, report your Husband to the police. What he's doing is illegal, and VERY creepy. She is an adult, and he has no right to do that. Your husband sounds creepy, and controlling, and bringing up your infertility issues is a MAJOR red flag. If he's doing this to your Step-Daughter, he is 100% doing this to you too. You and your Step-Daughter deserve better. NTA.
NTA~~OP is trying to protect her stepdaughter. I agree that ALL of their electronics, vehicles, and ROOMS should be checked for spyware. Also, is daughter's car going to be in HER name or is 'daddy' keeping it in his so he can "cover the insurance?" That way, when daughter goes someplace he doesn't like, he can steal the car back legally. If she does have the pinkslip in her name, thdn she needs to trade it in for a vehicle he doesn't have his paws on. Step mom & daughter need to get the fμck away from this goon!!
Wow... This dude is seriously messed up and we'll probably see his story on Netflix's new serial killer show next year
I'd make a written record of this, give it to a few friends I trust with my life, and instruct them to submit it to the police should anything happen to me. I'd then explain to the AH father that what he is planning to do is a crime, and if he doesn't remove the tracker I'll inform the daughter and the police. He has no leg to stand on here, and if he can't be made to see why this is wrong, then he doesn't deserve the company of family.
Ma'am, you are nta. Check your stuff and don't leave him with your unlocked phone or car. Tell her BEFORE the party and let her chew him out for it. Idgaf if she sees you as a bad stepmother. It's the right thing to do.
I have a cousin who husband did the same thing to her! She went to visit another Woman relative so instead of calling his wife my cousin on her cell phone! He called the other cousin's house phone and asked to speak to his wife! She was so MAD! He then told her that he had a tracking device installed on Her car that she paid the car note, insurance and repairs out of her paycheck! That is a Narcissist way of thinking, "I have to have control"! The wife needs to be careful because just like my Cousin's husband did her! He is already doing it to You! My Cousin got out of the marriage when her husband died! He was a horrible Husband to her! Some People once they are married believe what the words they are reciting, "Till Death Do You Part"! He was being mean, cruel and sarcastic knowing that You couldn't have Children! To say that to you about having them on Your Own! You tell him, "That's why I married Your Stupid A##"! I married grown Boy!
I would use one of those auto number generators and text her and say I want to remain anonymous and not start drama, but I believe your dad has plans to install a tracker on your car. Please do not say anything to anyone in your house. Ask a friend to help you go over every inch of your car and dispose of it discreetly.
She should make a casual kind gesture speech on her birthday, like how she cares for her and should she ever need any help she could ask her about carwash, servicing or repairs. And then add a girl-to-girl goodwill advice, (very openly so that everyone present at the party can also join in for support) - that- as a girl she should be always careful when going gir long drives, dating, going to the pub or new places and always check her car for bugs or trackers, so that han traffickers cannot get to her. Then ask around for more from the other party-goers on advice as such for a young girl who is on her way to adulting. This will definitely register to her and she can find out in her own time. This way the husband cannot blame wife as well. Its just a motherly advice, its not the wife's fault if the young girl picks up on general advice.
She's already called him out on it~~he's not a blockhead, he'll know in an instant. Best to quietly tell the girl in private. Later, when she finds that daddy has also kept the car in his name, she can just leave the keys at his place and move out. Bus passes are cheaper than a car payment.
Load More Replies...I don't know how to check for a tracker, but OP needs to help this young woman find that tracker and disable it. OP should get her finances in order and establish credit in her own name if she doesn't already have it. Ditch hubs. When he gives her the car, find out whose name is on the pink slip or certificate of ownership. If he's truly giving her the car, it should be in her name and she should get her own insurance, not on his policy.
Dan13LG don't get it, I am sure if the daughter did something in the past OP would have said it's why he doesn't trust her. But she states the daughter doesn't trust dad. Mom died and dad never held he controls his daughter because he felt powerless when her mom died. He. "wants" to build trust with her again!? Why now hmmmmm I know because he wants her to trust him so when she leaves he can have a way of tracking her. He is panicking because as soon as she leaves he has no way of controlling his daughter. The idiot got diagnosed with a disease and made his daughter break up with her ex-boyfriend. I am sure daughter has been planning for the day she turns 18 to get away from dear old dad. Reality is he is a sicko. There is nowhere in the Bible or on earth that states a wife have to respect her husband when he's breaking the law or even bringing harm to the kids. As a woman / step mom it's her job to protect the child. He needs help I will commit him ASAP. Dan she wasn't bashing him
She just let it be known how wrong he is treating his daughter. I am sure she has her own money.
Load More Replies...Nta. But tell her after the party. Better yet, get a tracker for His car. Let's see how he likes you knowing where he has been. Also, check your vehicle. He will cause the rift not you. Time for daughter and you to leave the crazy behind
Are they referring to a hidden tracker or a safety tracker? I recall ads for devices for newer drivers that track their location, tell on them if they're speeding out driving unsafe, ext. If the tracker is purely for nosiness I'd find that weird. If the tracker is for safety I wouldn't think it's a bad thing at all. Young women go missing all of the time and locating the car could be life saving.
When you refuse to tell the person that you've put a tracker on their vehicle, it is NOT for safety. It's to control. Teaching women how to protect themselves is a far better idea.
Load More Replies...I'm a bit on the fence about this one. On the one hand I don't think the dad is crazy for putting a tracker on the car. It's a good idea for several reasons, lower insurance, theft protection, the least of which is tracking your daughters whereabouts. Not telling is daughter is a bit sketchy. I suppose if I where him I would have made it a stipulation of her getting the car. If she wants the car? She's gonna have to be okay with the tracker. No tracker. No car. Plus, I assume she has a smart phone which can be tracked pretty easily, unless she has her own phone plan. idk
Theft and insurance might be valid points (I still don't like the idea in general), but not telling her plus the attitude he gave her are sealing the deal for me: It screams controlling and abusive. No way he did that just because of insurance and security reasons.
Load More Replies...1. Your daughter (regardless of what he says, you are legally her stepmom) is going to be eighteen; if she isn't already. Her dad has absolutely zero authority over her at this point. 2. Once she turns eighteen, neither of you have any authority over her. None, whatsoever. The law will only recognize you as her landlord if she still lives with you and with that said, you can't even tell her to leave; you have to evict her. She can have overnight guests, she can do what she wants, when she wants. 3. At the very least, you and her father will, from a legal standpoint, be guilty of stalking if he has this tracker put on. Ramifications for this change from state to state. You might just get a warning, you could end up in jail. You might even end up on an offenders list. 4. While I agree with everyone else that he has some major control problems, I do NOT agree with leaving immediately... Or divorce. You need to try to get him medical (mental health) help first.
My friends have two kids in college and they have trackers on the kids' phones. The made the kids aware that they have it so slightly different than this. That being said, one of the parents uses it exclusively for tracking the kids when they are driving home from school (or if they are on a road trip, etc.) to make sure they are ok. The other parent makes up excuses and pretty much tracks their location whenever. Every time I hear the parent talk about how one of the kids hasn't left their room most of the weekend or that they must be at the bar it drives me absolutely nuts. To me that is a blatant abuse of power and invasion of privacy. The OP needs to set boundaries and protect her daughter and probably herself at some point because her husband will do the same to her.
"he's trying to regain her trust" - "he'll install a tracking device in her car". Well, do I need to say more?
He doesn't want her trust to respect it or for the sake of a healthy relationship. He wants her to think he is trustworthy so that she tell him things he wants to know and listen to what he decides is good for her. It's only about manipulation and control. Plus, trust ins't about presents or materiel goods. I would feel insulted if someone did bad things to me and then try to buy my forgiveness with money.
Load More Replies...Besides the obvious, what really struck me was the “it’s none of your business.” Yes, it is stepmom’s business. The moment you marry someone with kids, you become a legal parent to them. You are legally responsible for their health and well-being. Therefore, anything that happens to that child is your business.
None of that matters if she's 18 and a legal adult. Her father sounds like a narcissist. He wants control over everyone in his life. Guaranteed that he has a tracker on wife's car and phone too. Then to gaslight her by tell her she's crazy.... Tell your stepdaughter quietly either before or after she gets the keys and suggest she take the car to a mechanic and have him/her remove the tracking device. Daddy can't yell at her because then he's letting her know he wants to track her every move. What a creep. Divorce court - now.
Load More Replies...As your birthday gift, take her car to the shop And get them to take out the tracker. Then, install that thing on HIS car.
Whoa this would be the second time in that forum I would suggest divorce. Hubbie def has a tracker on her car and phone.
You need to tell your stepdaughter and then pack your bags and get out and find a good lawyer. You need to protect yourself too. Check your electronics, phone, car for any tracking devices. Have a professional do it.
Pack bags FIRST. Get all belongings that you cherish into YOUR storage. THEN nail the bastard!
Load More Replies...As a parent, I can kind of understand wanting to track your child's whereabouts, but his method is super wrong. Reading this, I don't even think his heart is in it at all. For me, the literal only reason I would want to "track" my kids is so if they needed help, I would know where they are and go to them. However, they would have to be 100% aware of it and 100% consenting. I couldn't, in good conscience, just take liberties with my adult children like this. And to clarify, what I mean by knowing where they are to go help them, it would in an instance where they may be stranded on the side of a road they are unfamiliar with and cannot give me an address. I would definitely ask where they were first. Along with protecting our children, we must also remember to respect them. What this dad is doing is super controlling and cringe. I also must say that I have respect for the stepmom wanting to step up and show that she respects her stepdaughter, even though everyone seems to be against her.
NTA! Red flags galore! That man is a narcissistic pig! His daughter is going to be an 18 year old adult! You can't control your kids forever but apparently he thinks he can! The things the husband said to his wife was totally out of line. Especially the you have the kid part knowing she's unable to conceive. Extremely disrespectful & cruel! OP should definitely tell the daughter but after the party. Dad is trying to buy love which is wrong! But once she's told, then all bets are off! As far as the wife, get the hell out while you can and get a good lawyer ASAP! There's no telling what this abuser might do to you!
I think it's important to note that the daughter is turning 18, so she is no longer a child. OP should consider that she is talking to her as another adult, not as stepmother to stepchild.
Still stepmother to stepchild, but stepmother to ADULT stepchild. You don't erase the previous relationship by becoming an adult, after all, and it's important in this case because that previous relationship has been one ofvtrust and love that could be jeopardized by NOT telling the stepdaughter.
Load More Replies...I'd buy her a scanner for her birthday in private and remind her of all the weirdos out there that track young girls with air tags on vehicles and the like. And I'd tell her to do it every day. Then I'd sit back and wait for her to find it and let him run with his tail between his legs trying to fix his mess while I comfort her and tell her we need to get the police involved bc surely someone's targeting her
Why? That sounds so extra and damaging for the daughter to think some random sicko is targeting her.
Load More Replies...OP, I am so sorry, this is not okay. You are entirely correct, and you should get you and your Step-Daughter out of that house ASAP. Better yet, report your Husband to the police. What he's doing is illegal, and VERY creepy. She is an adult, and he has no right to do that. Your husband sounds creepy, and controlling, and bringing up your infertility issues is a MAJOR red flag. If he's doing this to your Step-Daughter, he is 100% doing this to you too. You and your Step-Daughter deserve better. NTA.
NTA~~OP is trying to protect her stepdaughter. I agree that ALL of their electronics, vehicles, and ROOMS should be checked for spyware. Also, is daughter's car going to be in HER name or is 'daddy' keeping it in his so he can "cover the insurance?" That way, when daughter goes someplace he doesn't like, he can steal the car back legally. If she does have the pinkslip in her name, thdn she needs to trade it in for a vehicle he doesn't have his paws on. Step mom & daughter need to get the fμck away from this goon!!
Wow... This dude is seriously messed up and we'll probably see his story on Netflix's new serial killer show next year
I'd make a written record of this, give it to a few friends I trust with my life, and instruct them to submit it to the police should anything happen to me. I'd then explain to the AH father that what he is planning to do is a crime, and if he doesn't remove the tracker I'll inform the daughter and the police. He has no leg to stand on here, and if he can't be made to see why this is wrong, then he doesn't deserve the company of family.
Ma'am, you are nta. Check your stuff and don't leave him with your unlocked phone or car. Tell her BEFORE the party and let her chew him out for it. Idgaf if she sees you as a bad stepmother. It's the right thing to do.
I have a cousin who husband did the same thing to her! She went to visit another Woman relative so instead of calling his wife my cousin on her cell phone! He called the other cousin's house phone and asked to speak to his wife! She was so MAD! He then told her that he had a tracking device installed on Her car that she paid the car note, insurance and repairs out of her paycheck! That is a Narcissist way of thinking, "I have to have control"! The wife needs to be careful because just like my Cousin's husband did her! He is already doing it to You! My Cousin got out of the marriage when her husband died! He was a horrible Husband to her! Some People once they are married believe what the words they are reciting, "Till Death Do You Part"! He was being mean, cruel and sarcastic knowing that You couldn't have Children! To say that to you about having them on Your Own! You tell him, "That's why I married Your Stupid A##"! I married grown Boy!
I would use one of those auto number generators and text her and say I want to remain anonymous and not start drama, but I believe your dad has plans to install a tracker on your car. Please do not say anything to anyone in your house. Ask a friend to help you go over every inch of your car and dispose of it discreetly.
She should make a casual kind gesture speech on her birthday, like how she cares for her and should she ever need any help she could ask her about carwash, servicing or repairs. And then add a girl-to-girl goodwill advice, (very openly so that everyone present at the party can also join in for support) - that- as a girl she should be always careful when going gir long drives, dating, going to the pub or new places and always check her car for bugs or trackers, so that han traffickers cannot get to her. Then ask around for more from the other party-goers on advice as such for a young girl who is on her way to adulting. This will definitely register to her and she can find out in her own time. This way the husband cannot blame wife as well. Its just a motherly advice, its not the wife's fault if the young girl picks up on general advice.
She's already called him out on it~~he's not a blockhead, he'll know in an instant. Best to quietly tell the girl in private. Later, when she finds that daddy has also kept the car in his name, she can just leave the keys at his place and move out. Bus passes are cheaper than a car payment.
Load More Replies...I don't know how to check for a tracker, but OP needs to help this young woman find that tracker and disable it. OP should get her finances in order and establish credit in her own name if she doesn't already have it. Ditch hubs. When he gives her the car, find out whose name is on the pink slip or certificate of ownership. If he's truly giving her the car, it should be in her name and she should get her own insurance, not on his policy.
Dan13LG don't get it, I am sure if the daughter did something in the past OP would have said it's why he doesn't trust her. But she states the daughter doesn't trust dad. Mom died and dad never held he controls his daughter because he felt powerless when her mom died. He. "wants" to build trust with her again!? Why now hmmmmm I know because he wants her to trust him so when she leaves he can have a way of tracking her. He is panicking because as soon as she leaves he has no way of controlling his daughter. The idiot got diagnosed with a disease and made his daughter break up with her ex-boyfriend. I am sure daughter has been planning for the day she turns 18 to get away from dear old dad. Reality is he is a sicko. There is nowhere in the Bible or on earth that states a wife have to respect her husband when he's breaking the law or even bringing harm to the kids. As a woman / step mom it's her job to protect the child. He needs help I will commit him ASAP. Dan she wasn't bashing him
She just let it be known how wrong he is treating his daughter. I am sure she has her own money.
Load More Replies...Nta. But tell her after the party. Better yet, get a tracker for His car. Let's see how he likes you knowing where he has been. Also, check your vehicle. He will cause the rift not you. Time for daughter and you to leave the crazy behind
Are they referring to a hidden tracker or a safety tracker? I recall ads for devices for newer drivers that track their location, tell on them if they're speeding out driving unsafe, ext. If the tracker is purely for nosiness I'd find that weird. If the tracker is for safety I wouldn't think it's a bad thing at all. Young women go missing all of the time and locating the car could be life saving.
When you refuse to tell the person that you've put a tracker on their vehicle, it is NOT for safety. It's to control. Teaching women how to protect themselves is a far better idea.
Load More Replies...I'm a bit on the fence about this one. On the one hand I don't think the dad is crazy for putting a tracker on the car. It's a good idea for several reasons, lower insurance, theft protection, the least of which is tracking your daughters whereabouts. Not telling is daughter is a bit sketchy. I suppose if I where him I would have made it a stipulation of her getting the car. If she wants the car? She's gonna have to be okay with the tracker. No tracker. No car. Plus, I assume she has a smart phone which can be tracked pretty easily, unless she has her own phone plan. idk
Theft and insurance might be valid points (I still don't like the idea in general), but not telling her plus the attitude he gave her are sealing the deal for me: It screams controlling and abusive. No way he did that just because of insurance and security reasons.
Load More Replies...1. Your daughter (regardless of what he says, you are legally her stepmom) is going to be eighteen; if she isn't already. Her dad has absolutely zero authority over her at this point. 2. Once she turns eighteen, neither of you have any authority over her. None, whatsoever. The law will only recognize you as her landlord if she still lives with you and with that said, you can't even tell her to leave; you have to evict her. She can have overnight guests, she can do what she wants, when she wants. 3. At the very least, you and her father will, from a legal standpoint, be guilty of stalking if he has this tracker put on. Ramifications for this change from state to state. You might just get a warning, you could end up in jail. You might even end up on an offenders list. 4. While I agree with everyone else that he has some major control problems, I do NOT agree with leaving immediately... Or divorce. You need to try to get him medical (mental health) help first.
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