Father Cancels Daughter’s Sweet 16 After She Doesn’t Stick To Her Promises, Family Drama Ensues
Interview
How do you teach your child about consequences? On paper, it sounds simple enough: you set the boundaries, and if those are broken – the kid loses something in return. Doesn’t matter if it’s phone privileges or a suspended Netflix subscription (yikes!). That should teach them a lesson.
The ugly part of this whole learning curve? No matter if your heart is made from the finest titanium, it’s going to break a little every time they call you ‘the worst father/mother’ in the universe. This little person you brought to Earth suddenly hates you.
This 49-year-old dad definitely knows how it feels. Not only he has to take care both of his daughter and son all by himself, since the mother lives in a whole different state. This father also has to keep them in line. Which by all rights means canceling the sweet 16 if one of them causes trouble at school.
You probably heard this before: peer pressured into bringing some booze to your so-called friends; getting one of them accidentally sick and yourself into 5-day suspension. Dad finds out about this and rightfully cancels the daughter’s 16th birthday.
Feeling guilty for calling off what’s supposed to be a very special birthday in every teen’s life, father turned to ‘Am I The A-Hole‘ subreddit seeking an outsider’s opinion. And boy, he got plenty of it.
Disappointed father gets a real taste of teenage meltdown after he tries to teach his 15 y.o. daughter an important lesson
Image credits: Kyle Broad
This is how it all went down
Image credits: Stay_Alive34
People were supportive of the father and his ‘tough love’ approach
Parenting is a tricky science. As the kids are constantly evolving, growing from babies to toddlers to adolescents to adults, parents have to recalibrate what their role is and how much control they have over their young ‘uns. The worst part? Nobody knows anything about it; equally, everyone “knows” everything about it which makes it even more difficult to learn from others’ experiences — whether it’s eerily realistic scenarios in Judd Apatow’s films or parenting tips from ‘Am I The A-Hole’ stories.
Hearing what Dona Matthews, a practicing psychologist with a Ph.D. and the co-author of ‘Beyond Intelligence: Secrets for Raising Happily Productive Kids’ told Bored Panda after critically analyzing this father’s situation — it only drives this point further.
“Wrong decision. Dad might want to scale it back and find some other ways his daughter can earn this privilege,” Matthews told us. Contrary to the general consensus of subreddit’s users (‘NTA’), she doesn’t believe another failure has helped with the situation. “Cancelling the birthday is one more rejection — I don’t think that’s what this daughter needs right now.”
Instead, Matthews believes that pilling on additional rules and focusing on the negative behavior is not the way to go, despite what everyone thinks. “That might make sense for a younger child. But with a 16-year-old, you’re alienating her further, undermining her confidence, rather than working with her,” she argued.
Trying to approach this intricate situation from every angle possible, Bored Panda has also reached out to Dr. Ronald Stolberg, a clinical psychologist and the author of ‘Teaching Kids to Think: Raising Confident, Independent, and Thoughtful Children in an Age of Instant Gratification’. And he has a rather different take on father’s way of parenting his daughter.
“The idea that her friends played a role in the alcohol at school reinforces that hosting a birthday party would be a bad decision,” Stolberg told us. He made a good point in dad’s favor that if the teenagers had guts to bring alcohol to school, this would most likely have happened at home, during the celebration.
So what’s the best damage control plan for the dad, then? Stolberg thinks limiting daughter’s contact with her troublemaker friends is a good start. But one that’s easier said than done. “We parents can help them spend time with a better group of friends by modifying curfew, access to transportation, and even financially helping out.” However, Stolberg also reminds us that “it’s nearly impossible to force teens into abandoning their friends, no matter what.”
Finally, both Stolberg and Matthews suggested that a lot of parents often forget that they were once in the same turbulent position — a phase in life when it’s hard to tell the difference between right and wrong.
“Remember that they’re also doing the best they can,” Matthews advised, adding, “this is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But whatever happens: be patient and loving with your child.”
It’s essential that the entire family also see a therapist, not just the daughter.
I agree. With the mom living out of state, the son and father could probably use therapy too
Load More Replies...
Not the AH. But.... "sometimes she will lash out and I will have to punish her"??!! This girl is at a crossroads. Get YOURSELF to see that counselor for part of her sessions and get on a better path.
I thought the same. "Lashing out" is pretty normal for a teenager that age, but this girl seems quite lost. More punishments are not the way to go imo.
Load More Replies...
It's totally appropriate to cancel the party. And who wouldn't benefit from therapy. But this sounds well within the range of typical high school freshman behavior. And how is everyone else here coping with the last two years of fear, trauma, anger and isolation? Now imagine doing it when you were 15. And blaming a friend? Is that not the number one excuse in the teenager handbook of idiocy? Not a red flag. Maybe there's more to the story, or maybe people need to take a breath.
I don't know what your high school was like, but a freshman taking hard liquor to school and getting a friend drunk was definitely not "typical" in my high school. That would have caught you some charges.
Load More Replies...
NTA! Good parenting and boundaries. Actions have consequences and she was aware of the consequences.
I don't think this is simple as "lashing out". I mean, a bottle of alcohol? And one of her friends needed medical attention??? There's something really serious happening here, maybe a bad crowd of friends, maybe some other underlying problem. But obviously simple grounding isn't working. Hell, therapy isn't working. The punishment isn't wrong. The agreement was she not getting in trouble and a A grade, she got in trouble. NTA here. But I really think something is getting lost in translation here. There's more to be uncovered. More communication is needed, maybe a more hands approach in therapy, to try to discover what the problem is.
I wanted to say that he is the asshole, when I read just the title, but he clearly told her that she can have the party if she stayed out of trouble. She did not, therefor he must keep his word and be consequent. Otherwise she will just do whatever she pleases.
During conflict a conscious effort needs to be made to avoid escalations when possible. The focus needs to be on effectively changing the behaviour and not on directly on retributive punishment. That being said, the violation was egregious and merited serious configuration. Not sure cancelling this special life long memory party was the best thing to do for a troubled teen. I may have threatened to cancel the party to get the teen to acquiesce to a number of concessions (friends, grades, study time, more therapy, more family time) to “earn” her party back. I may have even reduced the scope of he party (removing a key element) before cancelling it. Only you know your teen, I do not think you actions make you an *sshole as the situation was serious; but there were many alternatives that may have been considered that would have helped moved through the predicament.
You sound like the therapist who--i think--gave some wishy washy advice.
Load More Replies...
Why would you take away her electronics if she brought alcohol to school? Clearly the electronics aren't the issue?? You should relate your punishments to the problem otherwise she will only learn to resent you. Also shes a teenager?? It's normal for teens to lash out. YOU AND HER should be going to therapy or see a councillor. AH.
So, he should take away her liquor instead? Silly you, how do you think the plan was communicated and set up? By electronics maybe?
Load More Replies...
I think the dad is in the right he did good for what the daughter did wrong
This Dona Matthews might have had good grades in psychology school, but knows nothing about parenting. The dad did the right thing, she should not be permitted to have a party of she did what is misdemeanor. Also, why the hell are sweet 16s even a thing? Cheap rip-off of the latino quiceãneras, which are dumb as well. Seeing as these celebrations were basically announcing the girls were ready to wed, seems archaic to even continue such pedo traditions.
If you cancelled it out of anger in the moment, then it probably was overkill.That being said, since it was alcohol she brought to school, cancelling the party is probably the most responsible action, especially since you would most likely be responsible for 11 drunk kids at the party. My general rule is, if the consequences for actions is explained and understood prior to the incident happening, then yes you need to follow through with it. Kids need to learn that agreements/contracts are to be respected. If there was no prior discussion, this is an opportunity to rethink your reaction and determine if you need to apologize for your outburst, then calmly discuss repercussions.
Not the a******. Definitely cancel this birthday party but let her know that she can have a party in the future when her behavior changes.
I’m really confused as to how being a teenager makes it difficult to tell right from wrong. There were a lot of things that didn’t make sense to me when I was 15, but that distinction was NOT among them.
I live in a country where alcohol is allowed at the age of 16, and you can be even younger when your parents are with you. She brought some alcohol to school, a save environment. What's the issue? That's a minor screw up for a teen, I can't say I didn't do the same. The father is overreacting. He clearly doesn't understand his daughter. That girl cares about her birthday. It's just so important for young people. And in his case, it might be one of the last birthdays he will spend with his daughter. Punishing her so much for a minor screw up is kinda cruel. It will only drive them further apart. He could've just explained why her behaviour was wrong, and give her a chance to make it up. The worst thing about this was his initial statement. You can have your party when you behave and get a good grade. That's wrong on so many levels. Teens DO MISTAKES. That's how they learn. You can't force good grades from your kid. It only teaches her that she is only loved when she does well. Yikes.
His daughter's behavior is completely unacceptable. The school could have punished her more severely so she got lucky. But the Sweet 16 is a major thing for gen Y and Z. It's something that she cannot ever get back. I think she should have to earn it back though. I'm talking no lashing out, additional chores, restricted electronics, volunteering...the works. Then maybe a Sweet 16 1/2 party can be considered but minus the trouble making friends. The child earns what she wants and Dad doesn't have to live with the guilt.
She is pissed that Mom doesn’t want her. Been there done that. Foster Kids are awesome. Nothing we can do about that. Sadly this is his Biological kid, and he hasn’t figured this out yet. It isn’t his fault. I am sure there are reasons she isn’t there. But again no one is canceling the girl’s birthday that implies something else. She still gets to turn 16 I and sure she will still get a cake, and a gift. Maybe not a car. I just won’t get a huge party. I hate Psychologists who think everything will break kids. She was given the deal breakers for the party and I am sure the kids shrink agreed that she should follow them. There is a good change this girl wasn’t expelled but sent to the alternative school for the rest of the year and dad didn’t mention that part. That is what out the three school system ( 2 states) my kids have been in would have done with her.
Lashing out is a a sign that she needs help, but that doesn't excuse her from facing the consequences of her actions either. Kids need to face the consequences AND be taught how to manage the situation should it arise again. You don't have to exclude one in favour of the other.
You can't punish this to make it go away. These are the actions of a teenager in turmoil not out and out destructive rebellion. What you just did is ensure she never comes to you with her problems. She probably feels incredibly stranded and alone, and to top it off you canceled her 16th birthday party. One of the top moments of teenage/early adult years. The touchstone experiences. 16, 18, 21. Those are the memorable biggies. They're right up there with prom. i hated dances and birthdays, but i'm antisocial by nature. Punishing and punishing and punishing isn't the answer. That's the recipe for the kind of rebellion that turns into jail time as a young adult and a lifelong estrangement. How much time do you spend with her? How much of that is listening and really engaging? Do you ever go to therapy with her? The solution here is inclusion not endless punishment.
NTA. She deserved this. She could've made her friends seriously ill, she knew it was against the rules, and I was raised on "if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you too?" and that told me enough of 'think for yourself and make your own damn decisions'. She's about to turn 16, not 5, at 16 I was working 3 jobs, had my own apartment and was completely self supporting, she doesn't get the excuse of youth or "it was someone elses bullying" to act like a jackas*. She's a spoiled brat acting out, she's lucky that's all you did. As a kid if i even answered back i got punched, i'd never have dreamed of sneaking booze into school for fear of death, and I wouldn't be stupid enough to risk my oh-so-important sweet-16 that's coming up. She made her bed, now she can lie in it. And hopefully learn some fuc*ing respect. You should make her do community service and work at soup kitchens, sounds like she needs a hefty dose of reality.
I will say my opinion. Im a teen and by my experience I don't really think taking away electronics and cancelling the party would help her in any way. I think it could get worse. The thing I'm suggesting though is a free talk. The lack of the mother might be kind of a problem, because the mother is a very important figure in a child's life. Now since she's not there, that father is there. Maybe they could get things all clear and solve all those problems. Then if it's so much of a need, they could visit a therapist.
He needs to find the teaching opportunities instead of the punishing opportunities. She shouldn't be blaming her friends for her choices - he should point that out more. A sweet 16 party happens once in a lifetime. He should not have put those conditions on the party like that, but now that he said it he absolutely had to follow through. I believe he should allow her a birthday dinner, not a party. But as long as the coercive friends don't come.
You could allow her to have the party bit literally not tell her till like the Thursday before is she behaved from then till now soft compromise and let her no after the party that it doesn't mean she's of the hook however and because you've allowed her to have it you expect her to be golden till her 17th
If you cancelled it out of anger in the moment, then it probably was overkill.That being said, since it was alcohol she brought to school, cancelling the party is probably the most responsible action, especially since you would most likely then be responsible for 11 drunk kids at the party. My general rule is, if the consequences for actions are explained and understood prior to the incident happening, then yes you need to follow through with it. Kids need to learn that agreements/contracts are to be respected. If there was no prior discussion, this is an opportunity to rethink your reaction and determine if you need to apologize for your outburst, then calmly discuss appropriate/realistic repercussions.
why are americans so obessed with birthday parties? so dumb
How on earth have you come to the conclusion that he is a bad parent and is not taking responsibility? He's raising the kids by himself, she already goes to therapy, he gets her tutors and it sounds to me like he is trying to support her appropriately. She was warned about the party, she was warned about her behavior and she took alcohol to school! You can bet your bottom dollar I would be cancelling birthday parties if one of my kids pulled a stunt like that.
Load More Replies... It’s essential that the entire family also see a therapist, not just the daughter.
I agree. With the mom living out of state, the son and father could probably use therapy too
Load More Replies... Not the AH. But.... "sometimes she will lash out and I will have to punish her"??!! This girl is at a crossroads. Get YOURSELF to see that counselor for part of her sessions and get on a better path.
I thought the same. "Lashing out" is pretty normal for a teenager that age, but this girl seems quite lost. More punishments are not the way to go imo.
Load More Replies... It's totally appropriate to cancel the party. And who wouldn't benefit from therapy. But this sounds well within the range of typical high school freshman behavior. And how is everyone else here coping with the last two years of fear, trauma, anger and isolation? Now imagine doing it when you were 15. And blaming a friend? Is that not the number one excuse in the teenager handbook of idiocy? Not a red flag. Maybe there's more to the story, or maybe people need to take a breath.
I don't know what your high school was like, but a freshman taking hard liquor to school and getting a friend drunk was definitely not "typical" in my high school. That would have caught you some charges.
Load More Replies... NTA! Good parenting and boundaries. Actions have consequences and she was aware of the consequences.
I don't think this is simple as "lashing out". I mean, a bottle of alcohol? And one of her friends needed medical attention??? There's something really serious happening here, maybe a bad crowd of friends, maybe some other underlying problem. But obviously simple grounding isn't working. Hell, therapy isn't working. The punishment isn't wrong. The agreement was she not getting in trouble and a A grade, she got in trouble. NTA here. But I really think something is getting lost in translation here. There's more to be uncovered. More communication is needed, maybe a more hands approach in therapy, to try to discover what the problem is.
I wanted to say that he is the asshole, when I read just the title, but he clearly told her that she can have the party if she stayed out of trouble. She did not, therefor he must keep his word and be consequent. Otherwise she will just do whatever she pleases.
During conflict a conscious effort needs to be made to avoid escalations when possible. The focus needs to be on effectively changing the behaviour and not on directly on retributive punishment. That being said, the violation was egregious and merited serious configuration. Not sure cancelling this special life long memory party was the best thing to do for a troubled teen. I may have threatened to cancel the party to get the teen to acquiesce to a number of concessions (friends, grades, study time, more therapy, more family time) to “earn” her party back. I may have even reduced the scope of he party (removing a key element) before cancelling it. Only you know your teen, I do not think you actions make you an *sshole as the situation was serious; but there were many alternatives that may have been considered that would have helped moved through the predicament.
You sound like the therapist who--i think--gave some wishy washy advice.
Load More Replies... Why would you take away her electronics if she brought alcohol to school? Clearly the electronics aren't the issue?? You should relate your punishments to the problem otherwise she will only learn to resent you. Also shes a teenager?? It's normal for teens to lash out. YOU AND HER should be going to therapy or see a councillor. AH.
So, he should take away her liquor instead? Silly you, how do you think the plan was communicated and set up? By electronics maybe?
Load More Replies... I think the dad is in the right he did good for what the daughter did wrong
This Dona Matthews might have had good grades in psychology school, but knows nothing about parenting. The dad did the right thing, she should not be permitted to have a party of she did what is misdemeanor. Also, why the hell are sweet 16s even a thing? Cheap rip-off of the latino quiceãneras, which are dumb as well. Seeing as these celebrations were basically announcing the girls were ready to wed, seems archaic to even continue such pedo traditions.
If you cancelled it out of anger in the moment, then it probably was overkill.That being said, since it was alcohol she brought to school, cancelling the party is probably the most responsible action, especially since you would most likely be responsible for 11 drunk kids at the party. My general rule is, if the consequences for actions is explained and understood prior to the incident happening, then yes you need to follow through with it. Kids need to learn that agreements/contracts are to be respected. If there was no prior discussion, this is an opportunity to rethink your reaction and determine if you need to apologize for your outburst, then calmly discuss repercussions.
Not the a******. Definitely cancel this birthday party but let her know that she can have a party in the future when her behavior changes.
I’m really confused as to how being a teenager makes it difficult to tell right from wrong. There were a lot of things that didn’t make sense to me when I was 15, but that distinction was NOT among them.
I live in a country where alcohol is allowed at the age of 16, and you can be even younger when your parents are with you. She brought some alcohol to school, a save environment. What's the issue? That's a minor screw up for a teen, I can't say I didn't do the same. The father is overreacting. He clearly doesn't understand his daughter. That girl cares about her birthday. It's just so important for young people. And in his case, it might be one of the last birthdays he will spend with his daughter. Punishing her so much for a minor screw up is kinda cruel. It will only drive them further apart. He could've just explained why her behaviour was wrong, and give her a chance to make it up. The worst thing about this was his initial statement. You can have your party when you behave and get a good grade. That's wrong on so many levels. Teens DO MISTAKES. That's how they learn. You can't force good grades from your kid. It only teaches her that she is only loved when she does well. Yikes.
His daughter's behavior is completely unacceptable. The school could have punished her more severely so she got lucky. But the Sweet 16 is a major thing for gen Y and Z. It's something that she cannot ever get back. I think she should have to earn it back though. I'm talking no lashing out, additional chores, restricted electronics, volunteering...the works. Then maybe a Sweet 16 1/2 party can be considered but minus the trouble making friends. The child earns what she wants and Dad doesn't have to live with the guilt.
She is pissed that Mom doesn’t want her. Been there done that. Foster Kids are awesome. Nothing we can do about that. Sadly this is his Biological kid, and he hasn’t figured this out yet. It isn’t his fault. I am sure there are reasons she isn’t there. But again no one is canceling the girl’s birthday that implies something else. She still gets to turn 16 I and sure she will still get a cake, and a gift. Maybe not a car. I just won’t get a huge party. I hate Psychologists who think everything will break kids. She was given the deal breakers for the party and I am sure the kids shrink agreed that she should follow them. There is a good change this girl wasn’t expelled but sent to the alternative school for the rest of the year and dad didn’t mention that part. That is what out the three school system ( 2 states) my kids have been in would have done with her.
Lashing out is a a sign that she needs help, but that doesn't excuse her from facing the consequences of her actions either. Kids need to face the consequences AND be taught how to manage the situation should it arise again. You don't have to exclude one in favour of the other.
You can't punish this to make it go away. These are the actions of a teenager in turmoil not out and out destructive rebellion. What you just did is ensure she never comes to you with her problems. She probably feels incredibly stranded and alone, and to top it off you canceled her 16th birthday party. One of the top moments of teenage/early adult years. The touchstone experiences. 16, 18, 21. Those are the memorable biggies. They're right up there with prom. i hated dances and birthdays, but i'm antisocial by nature. Punishing and punishing and punishing isn't the answer. That's the recipe for the kind of rebellion that turns into jail time as a young adult and a lifelong estrangement. How much time do you spend with her? How much of that is listening and really engaging? Do you ever go to therapy with her? The solution here is inclusion not endless punishment.
NTA. She deserved this. She could've made her friends seriously ill, she knew it was against the rules, and I was raised on "if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you too?" and that told me enough of 'think for yourself and make your own damn decisions'. She's about to turn 16, not 5, at 16 I was working 3 jobs, had my own apartment and was completely self supporting, she doesn't get the excuse of youth or "it was someone elses bullying" to act like a jackas*. She's a spoiled brat acting out, she's lucky that's all you did. As a kid if i even answered back i got punched, i'd never have dreamed of sneaking booze into school for fear of death, and I wouldn't be stupid enough to risk my oh-so-important sweet-16 that's coming up. She made her bed, now she can lie in it. And hopefully learn some fuc*ing respect. You should make her do community service and work at soup kitchens, sounds like she needs a hefty dose of reality.
I will say my opinion. Im a teen and by my experience I don't really think taking away electronics and cancelling the party would help her in any way. I think it could get worse. The thing I'm suggesting though is a free talk. The lack of the mother might be kind of a problem, because the mother is a very important figure in a child's life. Now since she's not there, that father is there. Maybe they could get things all clear and solve all those problems. Then if it's so much of a need, they could visit a therapist.
He needs to find the teaching opportunities instead of the punishing opportunities. She shouldn't be blaming her friends for her choices - he should point that out more. A sweet 16 party happens once in a lifetime. He should not have put those conditions on the party like that, but now that he said it he absolutely had to follow through. I believe he should allow her a birthday dinner, not a party. But as long as the coercive friends don't come.
You could allow her to have the party bit literally not tell her till like the Thursday before is she behaved from then till now soft compromise and let her no after the party that it doesn't mean she's of the hook however and because you've allowed her to have it you expect her to be golden till her 17th
If you cancelled it out of anger in the moment, then it probably was overkill.That being said, since it was alcohol she brought to school, cancelling the party is probably the most responsible action, especially since you would most likely then be responsible for 11 drunk kids at the party. My general rule is, if the consequences for actions are explained and understood prior to the incident happening, then yes you need to follow through with it. Kids need to learn that agreements/contracts are to be respected. If there was no prior discussion, this is an opportunity to rethink your reaction and determine if you need to apologize for your outburst, then calmly discuss appropriate/realistic repercussions.
why are americans so obessed with birthday parties? so dumb
How on earth have you come to the conclusion that he is a bad parent and is not taking responsibility? He's raising the kids by himself, she already goes to therapy, he gets her tutors and it sounds to me like he is trying to support her appropriately. She was warned about the party, she was warned about her behavior and she took alcohol to school! You can bet your bottom dollar I would be cancelling birthday parties if one of my kids pulled a stunt like that.
Load More Replies...
92
72