“So I try to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies. I try to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes. Cause boys don’t cry, boys don’t cry.” This classic song by ‘The Cure’ portrays an attitude that is increasingly being recognized as causing great harm to boys as they grow up, pressuring them into feeling guilty or ‘weak’ for expressing their emotions in a natural and healthy way.
This Facebook post by Lyra Balearica shows that it isn’t just men that sustain this damaging cycle, it is far ingrained into the western culture and many women are just as responsible. Lyra shared a story about a woman who chose to berate a boy for nervous tears before getting blood drawn by telling him to ‘man up.’ “I’m a phlebotomist, almost all I do all day is draw blood,” she told Bored Panda. “I don’t know if the woman was his mother, aunt, sister, etc for sure as I don’t like to assume stuff like that without knowing for sure. But during the blood draw the kid did a really good job of holding it together. I hope my words helped him. He seemed to light up a bit after but was still visibly nervous even after it was all done.”
Because attitudes do not change overnight, it is only by having this conversation that we can begin the process of ‘normalizing’ the freedom for boys to express themselves as they wish. Various types of research have shown the damage that emotional suppression can have in later life, so learning how to respond to and regulate emotions accordingly is a vital thing for children to learn. Lyra thinks toxic masculinity has a lot to answer for. “I definitely see feminism as a force that wants to allow men to be who they are and to form emotional bonds without stigmas,” she told us. “And yes, I think this has really negative consequences for all genders. It’s absolutely important to understand that boys and men are victims of sexual assault. And it’s crucial to understand that most perpetrators of assault, including abusers of men, are men themselves. It all leads to a pretty bad place.”
Scroll down below to see the post for yourself, and let us know what you think in the comments. (Cover image: iStock / fatihhoca)
Lyra Balearica recently witnessed a gender stereotype of “boys don’t cry” still being used today and decided to speak up
Image credits: Lyra Balearica
People had lots to add:
What do you think? Let us know in the comments below
There is only two things you shouldn't cry over, a sore tummy or a headache. Crying makes those two things more painful. For everything else, if feel you need to cry then cry. I am always reminding my son of this.
Hannah.. Maybe your brother gets it worse than the rest of you? The last time me and my dad had colds at the same time, he was the one upbeat and doing the chores, while I was in bed moaning the whole day. And I'm a woman
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I would like to praise this person, Lyra Balearica, for how she handled the situation. Seriously, people should "man up" and let the world make real progress, not stagnating into what was proven to be harmful for everyone in the community. Best wishes for that kid, and for his parents to realise what they are doing.
Emotions shouldn't be suppressed in children or adults. But we all do need to learn to control our own emotions. For example angry outbursts and temper tantrums are not OK. It's OK to feel anger if something is unfair but not to lash out at others because of it. It's OK to be scared of a needle and cry a little but not OK to scream and cry and make a scene (I'm not saying that's what the boy in the story did). This is what should be taught to children. Praise them when they express their emotions in the right way and correct them only when it goes overboard and hurts others.
I think we should be careful to not confuse emotions and feelings : fear and anger are emotions; happiness, love, sadness or grief are feelings. One could say that the ones that come and go quickly, sometimes so quickly that we can't control them, are emotions, whilst the ones that grow slowly and steadily are feelings.
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Crying is cathartic, it gives your emotions a good scrub out, makes you stronger. This applies to men just as much as to women. Listening to a sad song can start you off if you need a way in. I cry often, at a sad story on the news, at a sad song or passage in a book. Give it a try, you won't be sorry.
Women and femmes? What's the difference? I don't want to look for it, can somebody explain it for everyone?
Thanks for asking : as a french talking person, it confuses me too.
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It's horrible that this happens but we are seeing more awareness and change in public opinion about the severity of problems faced by men. I'm hoping that this improved awareness may alleviate the social and culture pressure from men to adhere to standards of masculinity. I can be emotional and I definitely feel uncomfortable expressing emotion that can be conveyed as weakness, especially in front of my partner, as I feel it might colour her view of my strength and make me less desirable, which is ridiculous but true. So anger becomes an emotional crutch for men who don't want to seem vulnerable. It's a crying shame (excuse the pun) but I believe change is happening, which is a testament to people driving that change through the will to support the vulnerable and oppressed in our society.
I don't know where the idea of "crying=weakness" is coming from. If I see a man cry, I don't think AT ALL that he's weak. I think that he's strong enough to show his vulnerability, to lay down his armour, because he knows that he can pick it up later. It's like laying down a heavy burden, just the time to take a break, then picking it up again and carry on. It's OK to take a break. It doesn't mean you're weak if you need a break now and then, is it ?
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It's healthy to show emotions. But do you ever wonder why do people tell boys not to cry or show emotions? Here is the reason. Whether you are progender or not, fact is a fact - over millenia mankind was divided into gender roles. Men who are for species less valuable (this is true - women are more valuable for species because they give birth) where assigned roles that were more risky. This comes also because of gender dimorphism - men are physically bigger than women. Men hunt and fought with other men over resources and women, but they also need to keep some kind of status quo - nobody really wants to die. But if chance appears - they would take it. Why fight with strong opponent if you can take a weak one instead? What chance? Sign of weakness, like... crying. Boys were told not to cry, because this would probably make them a target of attack. In some way, this was trying to protect them (and their group). Is this still valid today? You tell me - what people say about crying men...?
I'm sorry girls are more valuable because of birth. You still need a guy to get pregnant. Sure its harder on the woman doesn't make you more valuable. You argument is invalid. Didn't even need to read the rest.
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It's probably worse than you think. I'm female, born into a German family, where the explicitly stated rule was, ''Show no emotions. Ever. Don't cry. Ever. Express no gratitude (makes you look weak). If you have to go to a funeral..''..o.k., do I really have to complete this sentence? I'm 64 now and still working on myself but believe me, I didn't grow up with only violent men. It's unisex. I sympathize with the guys struggling to express their feelings but wonder how many other cultures there are that forbid some form of self expression, like North American culture implicitly preventing most women from expressing intelligence.
Wow ! I'm just like you, female german, but born in '76, and I experienced nothing like this regarding emotions or feelings ! In my family, however, we had an unspoken rule about questions : don't ask anything if you can find out by yourself, or you'll be made fun of : "Stupid question, stupid answer" Result ? I don't ask questions. I look, I listen, I think, I wonder, and people think I don't care... -__-
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I find that so sad that his own mom treated him that way. Who knows what kind of ridicule he endures at home. I have a son, now 4 years old. I encourage talking about emotions, and what they mean and that it's okay to feel how we feel. I pray he will grow to be an emotionally confident man one day and hope I am doing right by him
This message is literally one of the most important themes of our times and it needs to be repeated over and over, everywhere possible. Grown men with emotional maturity do not commit acts of violence.
I agree, anyone should be allowed to show their emotions, because that is just being human. The social stigma of men being 'weak' if they show tears must change. To be honest, I experienced something similar when I was younger, despite being a girl. My parents, especially my mother, told me not to show emotions like anger, sadness and so on. Since that day, I never cried in front of anyone, except during my late grandfather's funeral last August 2 years ago. It makes me feel ashamed to show my tears in front of others. The only face I show to others is my happy one, which is sometimes fake and sometimes real. ^^;;
Lots of this sort of thing is done to both girls and boys. Big boys don’t cry or play with dollies. Good girls don’t get dirty or play with tools. Both sex’s are subject to “ carefull sweety you’ll hurt yourself”.
I've had breakdowns before along with others. The best thing to do is to comfort them, and explain that it is ok to feel this way. I can still recall an event that occurred last year in public. I was having an episode during a very bad time that year, and there were two men that I heard insulting me from the desk that they worked behind, but I don't think they knew I could hear them. I left awhile later, but I felt their eyes watching me walk out the door. They were much older than me (Mid 20's or so). I'm female but I wish this issue didn't affect anyone as it can lead to problems later in life.
was brought up like this too. The difference is I'm a girl. I now find it impossible to cry or be able to feel or show any emotions. I'm in my forties now and still can't feel or express emotions.
I don't disagree. Let me just say this in response though. While women rail against men for their 'toxic masculinity' over things like this, they say little to nothing about the toxic femininity of child beauty pageants and the insistence for calling and treating every little girl in the world like a Disney Princess. That's something else that needs to end ladies. Just saying.
Women (and men) have been railing against the toxicity of child beauty pageants and princess culture for decades. You just haven't been paying attention.
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I was almost was never told that men don’t cry. The only time would be if it”s embrassassing
I know I am late to the party, but I just read this article. My father is a big, tough, black man and I have seen him cry on a few occasions. This did not make me think less of him because I knew that he was in a lot of emotional pain. He had been my aunt's caretaker for several years and she passed away last year. Not only was she his sister, but she was essentially his best friend and losing her really tore him up. Seeing my father in that much pain didn't weird me out. On the contrary, it broke my heart because I hated to see him so hurt. It's okay for everyone to cry. If we cry we are showing that we are human.
I was brought up like this too. The difference is I'm a girl. I now find i
yes - female abuse is intense - it happens everywhere and is even stronger than the abuse done by men - it is more damaging cause it goes deeper into the soul - I myself got beaten from the first day in Kindergarten and locked frequently into a narrow closet - I also cannot forget my mom crying at me when I was weaping
One reason I like to watch K-drama (Korean TV) is because the guys show emotion, including crying. I was shocked the first time I saw it, how much deeper and more sensitive the emotional content felt, not at all a sign of wimpy weakness, in fact just the opposite. I grew to dislike Western TV/movies because it is so harsh, so much sex and violence, so little real emotion.
WHY CAN'T BOYS CRY?!?! CRYING IS NOT WEAKNESS! CRYING IS A NATURAL HUMAN REACTION SO IF YOU TELL SOMEONE NOT TO CRY, YOU'RE TELLING THEM NOT TO BE HUMAN! (This is all in caps cos it's something I'm passionate about...even as a girl who doesn't have to go through this.)
Perhaps this is how you plant the seed of serial killers in men. All humans should be able to express emotions of fear, joy, whatever! Crying is human and all humans cry as do animals for that matter! The world we live in is twisted and perhaps we should look outside our sick society for better examples!
Didn't we just have a post like this? We get it BP, men need to be more emotional.
We did! Seemed to degenerate into a bit of a row... Don't understand why anyone gets told not to cry if the reason is good enough.
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How does this title represent what was said. By the way i know i will get a lot of down votes for saying this but it doesn't bother me. This is one woman's opinion and doesn't turn all men who don't express emotion into violent creatures. You think they told them its ok to be scared during WWII. NO. We kicked a*s and looked badass while doing it. If this kid was a certain age then its ok but she didn't need to get involved at someone else's parenting techniques. If the boy listened to her for the rest of his life, he would never get anywhere or do anything.
ItsGood4you - you are soooooo wrong. SO wrong. God help any sons you may have.
Drawing general assumptions from an anecdotal evidence? That's just sloppy. Assumption that men are conditioned against showing emotion lacks empirical proof. Men are as emotional as women if not more - they are eager to show a wide range of emotions, fro manger to exhilaration, just look around at, say, cheering sport fans. And the wrong thing in 'boys don't cry' approach is not that boys are told not to cry - it is saying to girls that it is OK to cry _instead_ of solving problems (leading to harmful stereotype of 'hysterical women'). In most cases people want to teach kids to handle the matter into their hands. They can express sadness or anguish when it is safe. Oh, and if the boy was fearful of drawing blood to the point of crying it only means his parents did crappy job of teaching him the courage. So, if anything they should have been ridiculed as people who are potentially harmful to their kid (an avoidance of check-ups can be potentially fatal, especially at later age).
"Women and femmes..." - if you ever talked to my child like that, I'd rearrange your perceived "gender" with a swift kick to the groin.
It's totally ok if you can be who you are ! But just TELLING someone to be more resilient won't teach them HOW to. Not a bit.
Load More Replies...
There is only two things you shouldn't cry over, a sore tummy or a headache. Crying makes those two things more painful. For everything else, if feel you need to cry then cry. I am always reminding my son of this.
Hannah.. Maybe your brother gets it worse than the rest of you? The last time me and my dad had colds at the same time, he was the one upbeat and doing the chores, while I was in bed moaning the whole day. And I'm a woman
Load More Replies... I would like to praise this person, Lyra Balearica, for how she handled the situation. Seriously, people should "man up" and let the world make real progress, not stagnating into what was proven to be harmful for everyone in the community. Best wishes for that kid, and for his parents to realise what they are doing.
Emotions shouldn't be suppressed in children or adults. But we all do need to learn to control our own emotions. For example angry outbursts and temper tantrums are not OK. It's OK to feel anger if something is unfair but not to lash out at others because of it. It's OK to be scared of a needle and cry a little but not OK to scream and cry and make a scene (I'm not saying that's what the boy in the story did). This is what should be taught to children. Praise them when they express their emotions in the right way and correct them only when it goes overboard and hurts others.
I think we should be careful to not confuse emotions and feelings : fear and anger are emotions; happiness, love, sadness or grief are feelings. One could say that the ones that come and go quickly, sometimes so quickly that we can't control them, are emotions, whilst the ones that grow slowly and steadily are feelings.
Load More Replies... Crying is cathartic, it gives your emotions a good scrub out, makes you stronger. This applies to men just as much as to women. Listening to a sad song can start you off if you need a way in. I cry often, at a sad story on the news, at a sad song or passage in a book. Give it a try, you won't be sorry.
Women and femmes? What's the difference? I don't want to look for it, can somebody explain it for everyone?
Thanks for asking : as a french talking person, it confuses me too.
Load More Replies... It's horrible that this happens but we are seeing more awareness and change in public opinion about the severity of problems faced by men. I'm hoping that this improved awareness may alleviate the social and culture pressure from men to adhere to standards of masculinity. I can be emotional and I definitely feel uncomfortable expressing emotion that can be conveyed as weakness, especially in front of my partner, as I feel it might colour her view of my strength and make me less desirable, which is ridiculous but true. So anger becomes an emotional crutch for men who don't want to seem vulnerable. It's a crying shame (excuse the pun) but I believe change is happening, which is a testament to people driving that change through the will to support the vulnerable and oppressed in our society.
I don't know where the idea of "crying=weakness" is coming from. If I see a man cry, I don't think AT ALL that he's weak. I think that he's strong enough to show his vulnerability, to lay down his armour, because he knows that he can pick it up later. It's like laying down a heavy burden, just the time to take a break, then picking it up again and carry on. It's OK to take a break. It doesn't mean you're weak if you need a break now and then, is it ?
Load More Replies... It's healthy to show emotions. But do you ever wonder why do people tell boys not to cry or show emotions? Here is the reason. Whether you are progender or not, fact is a fact - over millenia mankind was divided into gender roles. Men who are for species less valuable (this is true - women are more valuable for species because they give birth) where assigned roles that were more risky. This comes also because of gender dimorphism - men are physically bigger than women. Men hunt and fought with other men over resources and women, but they also need to keep some kind of status quo - nobody really wants to die. But if chance appears - they would take it. Why fight with strong opponent if you can take a weak one instead? What chance? Sign of weakness, like... crying. Boys were told not to cry, because this would probably make them a target of attack. In some way, this was trying to protect them (and their group). Is this still valid today? You tell me - what people say about crying men...?
I'm sorry girls are more valuable because of birth. You still need a guy to get pregnant. Sure its harder on the woman doesn't make you more valuable. You argument is invalid. Didn't even need to read the rest.
Load More Replies... It's probably worse than you think. I'm female, born into a German family, where the explicitly stated rule was, ''Show no emotions. Ever. Don't cry. Ever. Express no gratitude (makes you look weak). If you have to go to a funeral..''..o.k., do I really have to complete this sentence? I'm 64 now and still working on myself but believe me, I didn't grow up with only violent men. It's unisex. I sympathize with the guys struggling to express their feelings but wonder how many other cultures there are that forbid some form of self expression, like North American culture implicitly preventing most women from expressing intelligence.
Wow ! I'm just like you, female german, but born in '76, and I experienced nothing like this regarding emotions or feelings ! In my family, however, we had an unspoken rule about questions : don't ask anything if you can find out by yourself, or you'll be made fun of : "Stupid question, stupid answer" Result ? I don't ask questions. I look, I listen, I think, I wonder, and people think I don't care... -__-
Load More Replies... I find that so sad that his own mom treated him that way. Who knows what kind of ridicule he endures at home. I have a son, now 4 years old. I encourage talking about emotions, and what they mean and that it's okay to feel how we feel. I pray he will grow to be an emotionally confident man one day and hope I am doing right by him
This message is literally one of the most important themes of our times and it needs to be repeated over and over, everywhere possible. Grown men with emotional maturity do not commit acts of violence.
I agree, anyone should be allowed to show their emotions, because that is just being human. The social stigma of men being 'weak' if they show tears must change. To be honest, I experienced something similar when I was younger, despite being a girl. My parents, especially my mother, told me not to show emotions like anger, sadness and so on. Since that day, I never cried in front of anyone, except during my late grandfather's funeral last August 2 years ago. It makes me feel ashamed to show my tears in front of others. The only face I show to others is my happy one, which is sometimes fake and sometimes real. ^^;;
Lots of this sort of thing is done to both girls and boys. Big boys don’t cry or play with dollies. Good girls don’t get dirty or play with tools. Both sex’s are subject to “ carefull sweety you’ll hurt yourself”.
I've had breakdowns before along with others. The best thing to do is to comfort them, and explain that it is ok to feel this way. I can still recall an event that occurred last year in public. I was having an episode during a very bad time that year, and there were two men that I heard insulting me from the desk that they worked behind, but I don't think they knew I could hear them. I left awhile later, but I felt their eyes watching me walk out the door. They were much older than me (Mid 20's or so). I'm female but I wish this issue didn't affect anyone as it can lead to problems later in life.
was brought up like this too. The difference is I'm a girl. I now find it impossible to cry or be able to feel or show any emotions. I'm in my forties now and still can't feel or express emotions.
I don't disagree. Let me just say this in response though. While women rail against men for their 'toxic masculinity' over things like this, they say little to nothing about the toxic femininity of child beauty pageants and the insistence for calling and treating every little girl in the world like a Disney Princess. That's something else that needs to end ladies. Just saying.
Women (and men) have been railing against the toxicity of child beauty pageants and princess culture for decades. You just haven't been paying attention.
Load More Replies... I was almost was never told that men don’t cry. The only time would be if it”s embrassassing
I know I am late to the party, but I just read this article. My father is a big, tough, black man and I have seen him cry on a few occasions. This did not make me think less of him because I knew that he was in a lot of emotional pain. He had been my aunt's caretaker for several years and she passed away last year. Not only was she his sister, but she was essentially his best friend and losing her really tore him up. Seeing my father in that much pain didn't weird me out. On the contrary, it broke my heart because I hated to see him so hurt. It's okay for everyone to cry. If we cry we are showing that we are human.
I was brought up like this too. The difference is I'm a girl. I now find i
yes - female abuse is intense - it happens everywhere and is even stronger than the abuse done by men - it is more damaging cause it goes deeper into the soul - I myself got beaten from the first day in Kindergarten and locked frequently into a narrow closet - I also cannot forget my mom crying at me when I was weaping
One reason I like to watch K-drama (Korean TV) is because the guys show emotion, including crying. I was shocked the first time I saw it, how much deeper and more sensitive the emotional content felt, not at all a sign of wimpy weakness, in fact just the opposite. I grew to dislike Western TV/movies because it is so harsh, so much sex and violence, so little real emotion.
WHY CAN'T BOYS CRY?!?! CRYING IS NOT WEAKNESS! CRYING IS A NATURAL HUMAN REACTION SO IF YOU TELL SOMEONE NOT TO CRY, YOU'RE TELLING THEM NOT TO BE HUMAN! (This is all in caps cos it's something I'm passionate about...even as a girl who doesn't have to go through this.)
Perhaps this is how you plant the seed of serial killers in men. All humans should be able to express emotions of fear, joy, whatever! Crying is human and all humans cry as do animals for that matter! The world we live in is twisted and perhaps we should look outside our sick society for better examples!
Didn't we just have a post like this? We get it BP, men need to be more emotional.
We did! Seemed to degenerate into a bit of a row... Don't understand why anyone gets told not to cry if the reason is good enough.
Load More Replies... How does this title represent what was said. By the way i know i will get a lot of down votes for saying this but it doesn't bother me. This is one woman's opinion and doesn't turn all men who don't express emotion into violent creatures. You think they told them its ok to be scared during WWII. NO. We kicked a*s and looked badass while doing it. If this kid was a certain age then its ok but she didn't need to get involved at someone else's parenting techniques. If the boy listened to her for the rest of his life, he would never get anywhere or do anything.
ItsGood4you - you are soooooo wrong. SO wrong. God help any sons you may have.
Drawing general assumptions from an anecdotal evidence? That's just sloppy. Assumption that men are conditioned against showing emotion lacks empirical proof. Men are as emotional as women if not more - they are eager to show a wide range of emotions, fro manger to exhilaration, just look around at, say, cheering sport fans. And the wrong thing in 'boys don't cry' approach is not that boys are told not to cry - it is saying to girls that it is OK to cry _instead_ of solving problems (leading to harmful stereotype of 'hysterical women'). In most cases people want to teach kids to handle the matter into their hands. They can express sadness or anguish when it is safe. Oh, and if the boy was fearful of drawing blood to the point of crying it only means his parents did crappy job of teaching him the courage. So, if anything they should have been ridiculed as people who are potentially harmful to their kid (an avoidance of check-ups can be potentially fatal, especially at later age).
"Women and femmes..." - if you ever talked to my child like that, I'd rearrange your perceived "gender" with a swift kick to the groin.
It's totally ok if you can be who you are ! But just TELLING someone to be more resilient won't teach them HOW to. Not a bit.
Load More Replies... 
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