Woman Confused About Widower Still Wearing A Wedding Ring, Brings It Up During Lunch Break And Things Get Out Of Hand
Have you ever been the one to make everyone in the room suddenly freeze, their puzzled sights pointed in your direction after asking something that seemed completely okay at the time?
When a 32-year-old woman by the username u/Ideal-Mind3099 decided to ask her new colleague “James”, a recent widower, about the wedding band on his finger – things went into an opposite direction from what she did expect. Annoyed by the fact that he was giving people the wrong impression about his relationship status, author of the story couldn’t help but give “James” a piece of her mind.
Causing a very uncomfortable lunch break by getting a reaction she did not remotely anticipate, Ideal-Mind3099 turned to the ‘Am I The A-Hole’ subreddit to see whether it was her morally-dubious approach or colleagues’ interpersonal skills at blame.
Annoyed by the fact that her colleague’s-widower’s wedding band is giving the wrong impression, woman decided to tell him so and the situation went out of hand
Image credits: Jonathan Francisca (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ideal-Mind3099
Dealing with the loss of your loved ones, after all, is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences people go through all the time. In fact, the level of anxiety and pain that grieving spouses have to cope with is so high it’s ranked as the highest level of stress on the Perceived Stress Scale a person must go through. That’s why “a lot of people usually don’t know how to pick the right words or feel uncomfortable touching the subject,” Fred Colby, the co-founder of Pathways Men’s Grief Group and the author of ‘Widower to Widower’ told Bored Panda.
As the survivor of such life-shattering loss himself – a beautiful marriage that lasted almost 50 years – Colby knows perfectly the everyday struggles grieving widowers must face. “Most men tend to be loners. And I know that for a lot of us taking the ring off is an act of disrespect.” The way he sees it, “James” is experiencing what he calls the ‘Deep grieving’ phase, the most challenging of them all, and it’s completely normal that the ring is still on his finger.
“Many of us, including myself, have a hard time visualizing our wives in our thoughts,” Colby explained, adding that “James” is probably wearing it for her memory and to show he’s still committed to his wife.
While he knows better than most people that grieving widowers can be socially awkward and the whole subject a conversational minefield; Colby thinks this story sets a good example to others of how sometimes we tend to misjudge our understanding of what’s socially acceptable when mourning or going through a rough patch. “I’m afraid the lady has poisoned the well in the whole workplace for “James”. If only she had left that part alone, they might have become friends.”
Everyone agreed that the lady should have kept it to herself
Whatever the author’s intentions were, Colby reminded us nobody should expect too much from a grieving person in the first year. “Just be a friend and then, maybe as the gentleman heals he will be able to establish a real connection.” Small steps, as he puts it.
Colby also advises that it’s best to let widows tell the story themselves, as it’s part of the healing process. But for those who want to start the difficult conversation themselves, help a struggling friend or colleague to overcome this barrier, there are a few ways to approach it.
According to Edy Nathan, a celebrated psychotherapist and the author of ‘It’s Grief: The Dance of Self-Discovery Through Trauma and Loss’ and Psychology Today’s column ‘Tales of Grief‘, the first step is to get them to imagine what it would be like to take it off. “‘I see you’re still wearing your ring. What your partner would think if you took it off or left it on?'” are some of the appropriate questions Nathan suggests to Bored Panda readers, reminding everyone that “there’s no right or wrong timeline when a ring needs to be taken off.”
Of course, this doesn’t mean that any of this will certainly help to avoid conversational pitfalls when talking to a mourning person. As Nathan pointed out to us, each case is different. “There is no right answer here. Many of them grief in such a way that it is not only complex but complicated by other factors.” Just like Colby, she said that a lot of people undergoing the most turbulent period of their lives, especially men, tend to turn to controlled substances or casual fornication to ease their pain.
Although, when it comes to grieving there isn’t much space for a silver lining, Nathan claims people’s understanding has changed. “There is a change in the most recent generations of men, I believe.” Based on her experience, Nathan sees that more and more widowers are searching for the truth. “They want to honor their emotions, and we can see it in the way they are responding to work/life/joy balance.”
Finally, Colby gives us his final advice: “Just be understanding. That’s at least what we can do.”
Jesus, what a bitch!! If I were James, not only would I have told her off, I'd have probably gone to HR with it, because it strikes me as harassment. She obviously wants some sort of relationship with him, and is pissed because he doesn't. What she doesn't seem to comprehend is that at this point, even if he's ever ready for another relationship, he most likely wouldn't consider her even if she was the only remaining person on the planet--I know *I* certainly wouldn't. on the planet
AS A WIDOWER, it was an ongoing struggle when and how to wear my wedding band. It's part the grieving process and she deserves every pain her insensitivity and dip-shittedness brings her.
I wore my wedding ring to nearly 2 years before I felt ready to take it off, as it had been on my finger for 20 years. yes, she TA
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Not only are YTA but you're disgusting. I can't help but wonder if maybe he hit on every female there and then you found out his wife died ONLY 8 months ago if that conversation would've been different. Then he would be an AH because his wife died only 8 months ago. I think it's sweet and enduring that he respects and loves(ed) his wife so much that he still shows his love and loyalty. Go find your own husband and leave hers alone lady.
Are you f... serious? Lemme guess, if parents lose their only child you would also insist that technically, they aren't parents anymore because there is no child left to parent, eh? Be glad you didn't pull your stunt at our office with my coworkers around and stop being such an evil, hurtful person. If you honestly can't see what you did wrong, please see a therapist.
Exactly. Im still a mom to my son. He isn't here anymore but I had two children. Someone try to tell me different.....I dare them. I fking hate what society has come to.
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I couldn't even finish reading this - she is more than an asshole to bring it up! Many people still wear their wedding bands after their spouse dies. Everyone grieves in their own way and time. What a violation into his personal life. 🤬
After my husband died, I wore the wedding ring for about a year - until I realised I was ready to start a new relationship. It didn't feel right to wear the ring any more at that point. Although if my engagement ring (rather petite, not an obvious engagement ring) still fit me, I probably would wear that one instead for my husband's memory. I'm no longer grieving and I've married again, but there's a special place in my heart for my late first husband forever.
Your grief is your own. You express or don't express it any way you choose. The way you choose to manifest your feelings is the right way because they are your feelings. I am truly sorry for your loss and proud that you were strong enough to move on and be happy again. Have a great life Helena.
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Just who was he supposedly "misleading", husband hunters? It was none of the woman's business and showed just how desperate she was to even entertain the thought let alone voice it in public.
Yeah typically a wedding band means back off and don't even try. What a dushebag....that lady.
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My father only removed his when he lost a lot of weight and the hospital were worried it would slip off and get caught in the sheets and get lost. He's been widowed 22 years.
I feel bad for this person as they seem to think about love and relationships in nothing more than "technical language" and not seeing the person who obviously still has raw emotions still sitting in front of them. James' relationship status is none of anyone's business, let alone rude ass co-workers and I find it sad that others agreed with her that he overreacted.
My cat I grew up with passed away more than 11 years ago and I'm not at all over it. Took me 9 years to accept a new cat (and then a second one) and while I love them a lot, it's just not the same and never will be, the old cat is irreplaceable. And you know, she was... a cat. I don't even want to think about this sort of thing in relation to my LOVE. 8 months after that I'd probably still be heavily sedated and in a million pieces. Not to mention a wedding band is nothing. My dad wore his for like a month because he has sausage fingers and it bothered him to no end. Still married to mom after 44 years. I'm not married but have a commitment that is unbreakable. None of us have any obligations to wear a relationship status advertisement.
One fur mama to another, God bless my condolences. Furry babies also own real estate in our hearts and souls.
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A widower wearing a wedding ring is not single in the sense of being available; he's still committed to his late wife. She's still his wife, she just happens to be dead. It's increadibly insensitive and rude to even remark on him wearing or not wearing his wedding ring. To suggest that is is misrepresenting his relationship status was horribly disrespectful of his relationship, and his wife, and the fact that he is grieving.
Exactly what i wanted to say. His marriage didn't end, they didn't split up. Of course he still wears his weddingring: in his heart he is still married.
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Absolutely the arsehole. When I lost my wife I carried on wearing my wedding band for quite some time as a mark of respect to her. I stopped when I was comfortable to take it off. This had absolutely nothing to do with signalling that I was "available". It was some years afterwards before I felt like even being with someone else. Just as well she didn't encounter me, otherwise I would have given her a piece of my mind!
If she's not got some kind of diagnosable social dysfunction condition, she has the worst case of insensitivity I have ever seen. In either case, a BIG apology is warranted.
Misleading... MISLEADING?! He's not an advert! Who the hell is he "misleading"? He's obviously not looking for a partner/not ready/not what-bloody-ever, and it's not a person on earths business. Least of all a nosey BITCH (excuse me) of a coworker. What, did she think she had a chance.. Waiting on the outskirts like some disgusting vulture? Honey, if this is your personality, I doubt you had a chance at all regardless of his circumstances. God I hope this is one of reddits made up stories.
Wow. How can anyone be so obtuse? Even if James were just a single man, not a widower he wouldn't have to inform anyone about his marital status. He's not "misleading" anyone, he simply isn't interested in finding a new partner.
Cannot Understand Normal Thinking. You're the worst of the worst. I would have gone straight to HR if this were me, you literally harassed him over his relationship status, as well as rubbing salt in the wound of losing his wife. You'd better learn to watch your mouth, one of these days someone is going to put their fist in it for such a nasty comment.
My god, doing this is already really stupid and shortsighted, but then, asking online as you are still in doubt. I had no clue this kind of crazy even existed. Does she want him for herself?
My husband died two years ago and I can't even begin to imagine not wearing my rings.
As a man married for 25+ years now, to a woman with an illness that makes her life expectancy much less than mine... I have no idea how I'm going to react if/when she passes before I do. I expect to be devastated. I expect to grieve in ways I cannot fathom currently. I certainly expect the people around me to allow me to do so in peace. I don't know if the OP wanted a relationship with the widower or not (maybe she had a friend that did). Regardless, she was WAY over bounds and completely off the rails.
Totally the asshole among other things. I cannot fathome the callousness. Just because a spouse dies doesn't mean their bond is broken. What is it to this ass if he wears his ring or not? The ring is a symbol of love and unity that doesn't diminish just as one party dies. A little piece of this man died when his wife did. Or at least that's what happened when my husband died. I still love him the same and it's been nearly 8 years now. Everyone grieves differently and their is no wrong way to grieve, for the most part. When James is ready, he will take his ring off. He may never take it off. It's not misleading at all. It shows that he loves his wife and that they are as one, even after her passing. So how about minding your own business and leave James and others you may "not be able to but ask" alone! They don't have to justify their actions or their feelings to you.
"And then there was silence, except for the sound of my heart... ...breaking" My feelings when my BF (17 years and a child together) died of lung cancer 10 years ago. OP is definitely the AH.
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My greatgrandma continued wearing her wedding band until she died. Despite her husband passing waaaaaaay earlier than she did... I cannot believe this person thinks she could be in the right and that that poor widower was overreacting. I thought he was quite nice to her despite her being repeatedly rude and pressing an apparently sensitive topic...
So what will this cursed colleague from hell do as a followup? Explain to some unfortunate female colleague that experienced a stillbirth "You're not a mother , you've not given birth, and acting as if you can name your non-child (or god forbid, get a memorial marker) is just totally wrong"? It seems a hard first act to follow up!
Wait, some people think you wear your ring... as a social marker for others? It's something for yourself. You can be married and not having one, or vice versa.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years now. If he passed away I would wear my wedding rings for many years after.
YTA. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA. Get a clue, lady. Why do you care if he's wearing a ring? And did you expect him to just whip it off after the funeral? The only way he could mislead someone is if he was married and wasn't wearing a ring. OP definitely sounds like she wanted to date him.
This woman is awful. After he explained he just isn’t ready to take it off she should have shut her mouth. She should have said she is sorry for his loss and left it at that. That should have been the end of the conversation. It’s absolutely none of her business. I’m still wearing my ring after losing my husband almost two years ago. My ring, my grief, my business.
Whatever his status is it's none of your f-ing business! This is extremely rude and honestly I would complain to HR if I were him. It constitutes as a hostile work environment.
A person has the right to wear a ring on any finger married or not. My father never took his ring off. The OP sounds like a terrible person and she needs to mind her own business! She doesn't care that her co-worker is grieving!
OMG, what an insensitive 32 yr old woman! None of her business. We shouldn't pry into co-worker's relationship status. It's a workplace! . James had a mature response. 👏
It isn't her business is it? It could be many reasons, grieving, out of respect and memory for his deceased wife (I'm sorry for his loss 😔) or even he kept it on to prevent people from flirting with him, the lady should have stayed out of it or at least have a little tact or empathy and compassion I have this feeling that she's interested in him, though acting that way... never going to happen
Someone in the Reddit comments pointed out that she may be undiagnosed and on the spectrum, because that's pretty much the only thing that could explain her total cluelessness as to how massively inappropriate her comments were.
I would think that if was on the spectrum (ADHD, AUTISM) she would have had a history of saying inappropriate things and the way she told the story she has no remorse even while asking if she was TA. So I'm on the fence about that. I was un-diagnosed with ADHD until recently and I do have a history of being a bit more blunt than what is considered normal but not at this level and I certainly would have realized it after I blurted it out and feel terrible and wouldn't need to even question who was right or wrong (and 10 years from now I would still think about this and feel terrible because that's ADHD/Anxiety). I agree with someone earlier who pointed out she must have had a crush on him and was trying to angle it that way. If anything she may have NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).
Load More Replies... What a Complete and utter Bitch!! It is None of her business whether James wears the ring or not. This woman is clearly looking at him as a piece of fresh meat she thinks should be on the market. If he chose to wear it for the rest of his life that's his business, not hers. Even if he remarried and wore it still it wouldn't bother me, it's a sign of respect and love. My father wore both His wedding ring and my mothers wedding ring every day after she died. Who the Hell were these few co-workers who apparently agreed with her?? She needs psychiatric evaluation this stupid, insensitive, ignorant cow.
Just in case there's any ambiguity, yes, you are most definitely the asshole.
I don't think the guy over reacted at all. I think he under reacted. I would have gotten angry and raised my voice, gone to my manager, and HR. It's nobody's business why a widower/widow still wears a ring. If you're curious ask if you can ask about it. If they say no just assume they are still hurting and move on. They'll talk about it if and when they're ready. Also, a general rule is if a person loses a spouse give them 6 months for every married year before they start moving on. My friend lost his wife to a sudden heart attack. He wore his ring until he got re married 10 or so years later.
I don't leave comments on these threads, but I felt compelled to on this one. The OP is TA! Quite simply, this was NONE of HER business, BULLYING is NOT ACCEPTABLE, and she should have been reported to HR.
"James" relationship status is, frankly, no one's business. This chic was completely out of bounds telling him he was misrepresenting his relationship status. Get over yourself lady and leave this poor man alone.
Isn't it common knowledge that widows/widowers wear their wedding rings as long as they want. My grandmother was widowed decades longer than she was married, but she never took off her rings.
YTA. As someone who also lost a great love of my life in a car accident over 15 years ago: Time means nothing. It still feels like it happened yesterday. 8 months are practically nothing. Of course, he is still wearing his ring. He is not single. Being single to me means being emotionally available. OP probably hasn't ever really been in love or she wouldn't lack this amount empathy. It's really none of her business to begin with and even worse asking a new co-worker such a personal question on lunch break in front of everyone. No, he didn't overreact. "Misleading" is something completely different.
I am baffled about how some people seem to have no sense when it comes to feelings! I too could/can ask very perosnal and direct questions, because I am a strongly curious person, but my parents and society in general taught me from a young age that there are topics that you just LET GO! - worst case scenario, if you really can't, then first get to know that person better, to see how that person reacts to similar or that specific topic (in this case ex. marriage, death, etc.) and MAYBE, just maybe, after a while ask IN PRIVATE! (hence the word PRIVACY!) and if the person obviously tries shutting the topic down, then immediately drop it for good! But really, asking a new colleague, in front of others and still insisting on your own view of the situation and then even shrug it off? Not to even start speaking about what/how grieving is! Jesus, this woman is a soulles robot, or what?
Definitely TA, especially after 8 months, almost all widows and widowers keep their wedding rings, especially after a long marriage. My nan wore hers for a decade after my grandad died, until she died too.
Yes YTA, my great grandpa went missing in WW2 (declared dead shortly after) and his wife, my great grandma was still wearing hers when she died in 2005 - more than 60 years after he had died. Nobody ever questioned it, her life her decision. Even after all that time she still missed him very much , even after this much time she could hardly speak about him without crying. I know that's a different Generation, and there weren't that many men left. But she never even considered getting in a realationship or remerried, as a lot of her friends did. She always hoped for him to be alive and come back to her. Sorry for mistakes, english is not my main language.
I'd file a complaint with HR. Beyond the fact that she's completely clueless and insensitive, it is inappropriate for the work place. Relationship status is ones personal business. Even if he was freely single and wearing a wedding band it's his business. She's WILDLY inappropriate professionally speaking.
I didn't even want to read it. I married only once and he is my one and only.even if he passed I would never take it off. My exes mom still wears hers and her husband has been dead for 4 years. I might give it to my daughters partner when she chooses to be married. This lady is out of her f*****g mind being confused for a widower to keep respecting the bounds of the relationship. I would of gone to HR and had her fired or go to sensitivity training. The nerve of some people.
Absolutely none of her bloody business. She should have kept her mouth shut.
If James had tried it on with her, or chatted her up then the OP noticed that he was still wearing his wedding ring then yes, this would be misleading. To ask him about it is not only insensitive but also down right rude, she clearly has feelings for him, but he's understandably still grieving after only 8 months and definitely not interested.
Wow. It is nobody else's business to decide if you are single or married or available or anything else regarding your relationship status. I cannot believe that this person was so utterly rude and crass to tell this man openly and publicly that he shouldn't wear a wedding ring because his wife is dead and he is "technically" single. If I had heard this, I don't know that I would have been able to keep quiet. But I would have apologized to the widower next time I saw him and I would have reported that other idiot to HR for harassing him.
Some people need to learn to mind their own damn business. End of story.
YTA. Your co-worker's private life has no bearing on his abilities in the workplace...and it's none of your business.
Woooow biggest YTA i've seen in a long time. Who the hell are you, his Facebook Status manager? You take off the ring when you are ready, sometimes that's months or years after the death of a spouse, sometimes it's months before a divorce. Either way, it's their business, you should not have inquired on what you would have known is an emotionally sensitive and PRIVATE subject for someone else, and in such a coldly worded manner. The poor man's wife is gone forever and you're hitting him with the semantics of "on a technicality". Please, get over yourself and grow up and learn some emotional sensitivity and common decency.
I cannot believe some people feel they have the right to interfere in others lives. I have been with my partner for 8 years and he lost his wife 9 years ago. He still wears his wedding ring. People have asked if it bothers me or say they wouldn't put up with it. I'm secure in my relationship and it's his life. Who are we to tell people what's right or wrong. I'm livid with this stupid insensitive woman.
OMG you are such an AH! Even if he decides to wear it till he dies and never have any relation it is none of your business! He is not single , he is a widower. ppl usually grieve for a year at least. in my country it is even customary to wear black the whole year. as for the wedding rings: ppl wear it mostly as a reminder of their love not to send signals, though a wedding band for sure sends a signal. You should be happy he did not report you to HR!
I wear my mom's wedding ring all the time and she passed away 5 years ago. I really hope this is fake because I find that person absolutely repulsive...
If I were him of report her to HR. Relationship status at work is no one's business. Even if he was freely single and wearing a wedding band, that's his choice. To insist that he is being misleading is so far beyond what is appropriate for the workplace.
If he's still wearing the ring, he is clearly not ready for anyone to approach him and she had no right to question him for it.
In other words.... she's annoyed that he's not interested in dating. Dating her, concretely. Get over yourself, lady.
What a horrible woman!!! He should report that situation to HR. Even if he wasn't a widower, he can wear whatever he wants on his finger!!!! It's not a legal obligation to wear a ring wheb you are married and not to wear it when you are "single". The ring is a SYMBOL OF THE LOVED PERSON, not a status indicator for other people like on facebook...
If a woman wanted to wear a fake wedding ring at work because she did not want some one hitting on her it is her right to do that, AND the same applies to a man. It is not their responsibility to be available or signal that they are available to any regardless of the reason. This OP is clearly the AH and like a big hypocrite. I would have gone to HR if the genders were reversed I doubt the OP would have a problem seeing the problem with her behavior. Sexism goes both ways and so does sexual harassment.
I can't believe how cruel, ruthless and insensitive people can be in this day and age. What does his status have to do with her? Why is it any of her concern. Is she interested in him? This man is grieving his loss in the way he best knows how and if continuing to wear his ring brings him some kind of comfort then that's his business. It's absolutely none of her business and the fact that she even posted about it just shows how extremely stupid and clueless she is.
He definitely did not overreact, you had no business asking infront of everyone on lunch break such a silly personal question. But let's hope you have some condition that might explain your insensitivity.
This was none of her business to why he is still wearing his wedding ring. If he chooses to wear it for the rest of his life , so what. What he should have said is " this is none of your business whether I wear my ring or not. What a bitch.
She reminds me of all these men who would say a woman is misleading them when she smiles and 'flirts' by being nice but doesn't want to date them. I think asking this question could still work out if this woman didn't push and accuse poor man. WTF, just because he's 'single' he has to date now? His feelings and respect for a loved one are less important?
And then people wonder why america is falling apart. This is why. Americans have completely lost their ethical and moral compass to the point where the entitlement is so big it's taking over every aspect of normal living. My god,and the world is watching and taking it as an example which is an even bigger problem. Because of people like this who flaunting t their rudeness other who are the same think they are right and entitled to insulting and offending other people.. I think the widowers response should have been:IM SORRY,DID I ASK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION? jeez
This must be fake... No one can be that stupid. You just don't ask such questions. I don't even understand why he should remove the ring at all. He may want to stay like that forever. It's his business and this is not something you touch. Either fake or she wanted him for herself.
She's the AH and just lucky he didn't go to HR over her intrusion to his private life. She's the one lacking social skills and, apparently, common sense.
Why does she think he wears his wedding band still? Is she that dense? The simplest most common answer as to why a widow(er) wears their wedding band is because they still feel married and devoted. It's not as if they're divorced and he chose to exit the marriage--he and his wife didn't choose for their marriage to be over, so to him he's still a devoted partner. She is just absolutely vacuous. The part of me that wants to see better about people wonders if maybe she just comes from an entirely different culture where it's not acceptable to continue to wear a wedding ring after their spouses death. Or maybe she was dropped off from another planet entirely? It's just strange that she seems to think this is a sinister issue and that he's being deceptive.
Sometimes I really do think that these stories are made up because I can't believe someone could be this heartless and entitled to a person. This woman is obviously the biggest ASSHOLE, if the guy is wearing his ring then let him do so and it's none of her business if it's "misleading". Also I agree with the person saying that she is probably in love with him and is jealous of the fact that James is still grieving his late wife. She is f*****g and disgusting idiot and so are the coworkers that agree with her
It sounds as if the OP has some clinical issues, autism, perhaps. She doesn't comprehend social conventions or mores. She should consider getting tested.
Are you freaking kidding me? It's his and only his business whatever he will do with the ring. Take it off right after funeral, wear it as a necklace as a memory or freaking wear it for the rest of his life! Some people are sensitive you know. I can't believe she thought this was an okay behaviour and made it even public. What a rude and compassionless person this woman must be. No empathy or anything at all! Who the f cares about "technically" except her? Well this sure made me furious as hell.
Yikes. My only hope is that maybe this woman can't process things that don't fit properly in conceptual boxes. But I fear it's just that she wants to date him and doesn't want to be seen out with a married man.
Why is James obligated to be open and truthful about his relationship status? I mean, if he were claiming not to be married when he is would've been misleading to anyone he would have started dating. Other than that, he owes anyone jack-s**t regarding his relationship status.
what a stupid woman! she obviously wants to date James and wonders why he's not interested when he's lost his wife so long ago...oh wait, only 8 months. it took me one and half year to be able to talk about my lost loved one and it's still hard after nearly 3yrs. that woman was next level disrespectful and has little to no understanding in this case.
Unbelievable. The wedding ring is a memory to a promise you made. Wearing that ring reminds him of his wife, someone he usually spent every day with and who is now gone. Would you say something like that to someone who lost a parent and wears a pendant with their picture in it? Would you say that to someone who lost a child and still has their picture on their desk? I'm guessing no, but if you're insensitive enough to bring it up with a widower, who knows? Poor guy probably wanted to make a fresh start at a new company where no-one knew his wife and then this happens.
My grandmother was still quite young ( in her 40s) when my grandfather died and she never had anyone else and didnt take the wedding band off either. She wore it for almost 50 years afterwards and was burried with it too. I remember when I was a kid and realized it was a wedding band and that some people remarried after being widowed and my being a nosy kid asked her about it. I was probably around 8 by then and my grandfather was gone almost a decade before I was born and that conversation was so hard on her that I never had the gall to ask about it again. I just started to ask more stories about him because he really felt like an amazing man and I think she liked that I asked about " how life was in the past".
My wife of 22 years died about 4 months ago (September 8th), and I still wear my wedding ring. I'm not trying to deceive or mislead anyone, I'm not ready to let go. She was my life, and people need to mind their own damn business. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to take it off.
You are TA of course, no need to even ask. This is a work place to begin with. And you're just irritatingly out of whack. You sound like you put your nose in other people's business all the time. It's nobody's business what's his status especially at work. If somebody is living with a partner, having children and all, but outside of marriage and without a band, does it mean you are considering them free meat? It's none of your business, bit*!
By the way, I hope he took the matter to HR.
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I don't think anyone in that room said that HE overreacted... OP is just trying to act like Someone was on their side. This person is fucken disgusting. No wonder they're still single .. pining after widows n trying to argue their way into a relationship. Yeah. What a fucken twat.
She wanted him to advertise himself as being available so as not to offend her? She is subtly trying to insinuate she might be interested with him and she cant fathom being told he doesnt take to her like she would've thought. She is the ultimate Asshole. WTF does a technical angle even f*****g mean under this context??? she is deplorable
It could be 8 years instead of 8 months and still he would've been right and you - terribly wrong. Have you ever lost a loved one? Would you appreciate a similar comment from your new colleague who knows absolutely nothing about you and your loss? Image if it was you - how would you feel if it was you who was accused of doing something misleading when you should be silently phrased on how strong you are to still go on. Just think before talking. It saves lives.
It's none of their business if the guy doesn't want to stop wearing the wedding ring. He doesn't have the obligation to announce to the public that he's no longer single. Also, the loss of a loved one is a very sensitive topic. You don't just open up that conversation randomly while chatting during lunch break, especially in the presence of many other people. It hasn't even been a year since he lost his spouse. He's obviously still grieving. It's terrible that the poster and their friends think he was overreacting.
Definitely overstepped - how insensitive! 😒 Does someone have to stab you for you to understand that it hurts? That poor man is in such pain still and trying to process at HIS own pace. This nonsense was such a trigger. I'd be eating in the car or somewhere else.
Stop looking for people to comfort your ego, you're only asking people to find reason in what you did to make yourself feel better, you want someone to excuse you so you don't feel sh*t about yourself. And in the meanwhile you're making the widow look like the villain in all this, of course he didn't over react in any way, shape or form, HE'S GRIEVING of course he's going to react like that, it's not your right to tell people how to feel or how to grieve, especially when he never asked! Either you have a condition that impairs your ability to understand social cues, or you are such a self-entitled tw*t without an ounce of humanity and compassion.
Grief looks different on different people, and he doesn't have to justify his. He doesn't owe you or anyone else anything. You've probably made this experience all the more traumatic for him. How dare you demand he explain himself to you, and what makes it worse is that you aren't even friends - not that he needs to justify himself to his friends neither. Just because you have a sense of self entitlement doesn't mean he needs to make YOU feel satisfied. The fact you've even had the audacity to challenge him on it, let alone based off of a technicality, is beyond awful. Regardless of your intentions, you obviously haven't experienced a grief like it and have little-to-no empathy skills, you have to tread these waters lightly. He doesn't need to take his ring off to make any one comfortable, he is clearly still not ready to take it off and it holds so much sentimental value. Commitment to someone and love for someone doesn't just end because they're no longer with us.
Hell yea you are the f*****g asshole.. who cares what he is doing, he don't give a s**t about what others think and good for him, cuz I would wear my ring as well, just like him and tell anyone who thought they could tell me what to do or what other people might think that they could suck my ass. WHAT A C**T! You have ZERO right to question him and try to tell him he is doing something wrong. BIIIIIIIITCH.
These are so clearly made up: why are there almost never any scenarios in which there is at least SOME disagreement over who is or is “NTA????” Here’s why: because it takes no imagination or energy to fabricate a tale where readers can easily come down solidly on one side or the other, slamming the OP or the person he/she is complaining about, because there IS no middle ground to debate! It’s all become very obvious and very boring.
WTF? If he was married, his wife was still alive, and he was NOT wearing a ring, then he'd be misleading people. But who TF cares if he gives everyone the impression he's still married when he's "technically" not? She's not only an AH, but a condescending know it all bitch. If someone said that to me or anyone I was friends with, I wouldn't have been able to stay calm and that person would absolutely know they were the AH by my reaction.
YTA most definitely! It doesn't even matter if he's a widower or not, the only things that matter is 1. She forcefully pushed her questions and opinions onto someone who is just a work colleague, and a new one at that, not a more close acquaintance, buddy, friend, bff or close relative; and 2. She did all this in a way that wasn't private at least, not to mention it demonstrates 0 empathy for the other person, it was all about her own curiosity, gains, whatever the f**k she wanted to achieve. Yeah, go learn some more growing up you major asshole.
OP is definitely AH. It's not hers or anyone's business and I personally thought her actions were very rude and inappropriate. Especially them being colleagues, where often people separate between their personal and professional life. OP needs to learn basic mannerisms.
What if this person has an undiagnosed condition that impairs their ability to empathise properly. Like literally not understanding why he’s still wearing the wedding ring when they’ve been taught that it is only worn by married people, and they’ve only interacted with living married people or divorced people before. They are now deemed TA when in reality they are just confused and now hurt that other people are jumping down their throats and also not understanding why some people are standing with them and others not.
Does it matter? The outcome is the same, OP is not the victim here. Just because someone is mentally deficient doesn't give them carte blanche to be a dumbass.
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This is definitely an HR situation, it is a form of harassment. After my first husband passed, I wore my ring for a year after, then I moved it to the other hand, I have remarried and wear my current ring where it is supposed to be and my other ring on my other hand. My husband calls it my gone but not forgotten ritual and it doesn't bother him in the least. Others have questioned it, but I shut them down very quickly and leave no room for them to question or hold an opinion about it. The OP is definitely one of the assholes, I've had to shut down!
OMG! This none of her business whether he wears his ring or not. Leave the man alone. There is no timeline when to stop grieving. You never stop missing the wife /husband. He can take the rest of his life, if he so chooses. The nosey nellie needs to stay away from him. Some people just gall me. She must think she is important. because he would never be interested in her.
There are SO MANY rude heartless angles to this. It's been eight months, he's still in love and emotionally unavailable. He wasn't being misleading if the people at the office knew he was a widowed - misleading would've been pretending/saying his wife was still alive. He wasn't. Last but not least he if wants to appear unavailable that's up to him. No questions asked. That's his choice. If I want to go buy myself a wedding ring and start wearing it to appear unavailable - that's my choice. Did this woman demand he take down all photos of her as well?
I did not bother reading it all because I thought the woman would somehow make sense but sorry, this was so painful to read. Man's clearly still grieving the passing of his late wife.
None of her f**king business. Mind you, Id have said that I wore it to ward of awful women like her. 😁
She's DTA 😡 Why is it her business why he wears his wedding ring still? Also, his wife had only died 8 months ago?? Seriously? She definitely overstepped.
Just repeat to yourself, "What anyone does with or puts on their body is none of my business."
She should just stop being a nosey ass bitch and shoved what she thinks up to her b-hole. Insensitive and arrogant. What a stupid and zero common sense, and zero empathy being.
YTA. It is none of your Karen's business that he is wearing a ring. Misleading? In what way? Because predator women want to prey on the cute young widower? Asking about his ring is just as impolite as to ask young women when they finally are getting children. Then all hell breaks loose. MYODB
You had no place to say what you said. It is none of your business.
You don't stop loving someone just because they're gone. S**t like this is the reason people like 'Sheldon Cooper' get slapped around. They're not evil. They just don't have any empathy, and can't keep their yaps shut.
The more articles from Reddit/AITA I read, the lesser I believe they are real.
Isn't that the point? Engagement? I wouldn't call it clever, more like common.
Load More Replies... Jesus, what a bitch!! If I were James, not only would I have told her off, I'd have probably gone to HR with it, because it strikes me as harassment. She obviously wants some sort of relationship with him, and is pissed because he doesn't. What she doesn't seem to comprehend is that at this point, even if he's ever ready for another relationship, he most likely wouldn't consider her even if she was the only remaining person on the planet--I know *I* certainly wouldn't. on the planet
AS A WIDOWER, it was an ongoing struggle when and how to wear my wedding band. It's part the grieving process and she deserves every pain her insensitivity and dip-shittedness brings her.
I wore my wedding ring to nearly 2 years before I felt ready to take it off, as it had been on my finger for 20 years. yes, she TA
Load More Replies... Not only are YTA but you're disgusting. I can't help but wonder if maybe he hit on every female there and then you found out his wife died ONLY 8 months ago if that conversation would've been different. Then he would be an AH because his wife died only 8 months ago. I think it's sweet and enduring that he respects and loves(ed) his wife so much that he still shows his love and loyalty. Go find your own husband and leave hers alone lady.
Are you f... serious? Lemme guess, if parents lose their only child you would also insist that technically, they aren't parents anymore because there is no child left to parent, eh? Be glad you didn't pull your stunt at our office with my coworkers around and stop being such an evil, hurtful person. If you honestly can't see what you did wrong, please see a therapist.
Exactly. Im still a mom to my son. He isn't here anymore but I had two children. Someone try to tell me different.....I dare them. I fking hate what society has come to.
Load More Replies... I couldn't even finish reading this - she is more than an asshole to bring it up! Many people still wear their wedding bands after their spouse dies. Everyone grieves in their own way and time. What a violation into his personal life. 🤬
After my husband died, I wore the wedding ring for about a year - until I realised I was ready to start a new relationship. It didn't feel right to wear the ring any more at that point. Although if my engagement ring (rather petite, not an obvious engagement ring) still fit me, I probably would wear that one instead for my husband's memory. I'm no longer grieving and I've married again, but there's a special place in my heart for my late first husband forever.
Your grief is your own. You express or don't express it any way you choose. The way you choose to manifest your feelings is the right way because they are your feelings. I am truly sorry for your loss and proud that you were strong enough to move on and be happy again. Have a great life Helena.
Load More Replies... Just who was he supposedly "misleading", husband hunters? It was none of the woman's business and showed just how desperate she was to even entertain the thought let alone voice it in public.
Yeah typically a wedding band means back off and don't even try. What a dushebag....that lady.
Load More Replies... My father only removed his when he lost a lot of weight and the hospital were worried it would slip off and get caught in the sheets and get lost. He's been widowed 22 years.
I feel bad for this person as they seem to think about love and relationships in nothing more than "technical language" and not seeing the person who obviously still has raw emotions still sitting in front of them. James' relationship status is none of anyone's business, let alone rude ass co-workers and I find it sad that others agreed with her that he overreacted.
My cat I grew up with passed away more than 11 years ago and I'm not at all over it. Took me 9 years to accept a new cat (and then a second one) and while I love them a lot, it's just not the same and never will be, the old cat is irreplaceable. And you know, she was... a cat. I don't even want to think about this sort of thing in relation to my LOVE. 8 months after that I'd probably still be heavily sedated and in a million pieces. Not to mention a wedding band is nothing. My dad wore his for like a month because he has sausage fingers and it bothered him to no end. Still married to mom after 44 years. I'm not married but have a commitment that is unbreakable. None of us have any obligations to wear a relationship status advertisement.
One fur mama to another, God bless my condolences. Furry babies also own real estate in our hearts and souls.
Load More Replies... A widower wearing a wedding ring is not single in the sense of being available; he's still committed to his late wife. She's still his wife, she just happens to be dead. It's increadibly insensitive and rude to even remark on him wearing or not wearing his wedding ring. To suggest that is is misrepresenting his relationship status was horribly disrespectful of his relationship, and his wife, and the fact that he is grieving.
Exactly what i wanted to say. His marriage didn't end, they didn't split up. Of course he still wears his weddingring: in his heart he is still married.
Load More Replies... Absolutely the arsehole. When I lost my wife I carried on wearing my wedding band for quite some time as a mark of respect to her. I stopped when I was comfortable to take it off. This had absolutely nothing to do with signalling that I was "available". It was some years afterwards before I felt like even being with someone else. Just as well she didn't encounter me, otherwise I would have given her a piece of my mind!
If she's not got some kind of diagnosable social dysfunction condition, she has the worst case of insensitivity I have ever seen. In either case, a BIG apology is warranted.
Misleading... MISLEADING?! He's not an advert! Who the hell is he "misleading"? He's obviously not looking for a partner/not ready/not what-bloody-ever, and it's not a person on earths business. Least of all a nosey BITCH (excuse me) of a coworker. What, did she think she had a chance.. Waiting on the outskirts like some disgusting vulture? Honey, if this is your personality, I doubt you had a chance at all regardless of his circumstances. God I hope this is one of reddits made up stories.
Wow. How can anyone be so obtuse? Even if James were just a single man, not a widower he wouldn't have to inform anyone about his marital status. He's not "misleading" anyone, he simply isn't interested in finding a new partner.
Cannot Understand Normal Thinking. You're the worst of the worst. I would have gone straight to HR if this were me, you literally harassed him over his relationship status, as well as rubbing salt in the wound of losing his wife. You'd better learn to watch your mouth, one of these days someone is going to put their fist in it for such a nasty comment.
My god, doing this is already really stupid and shortsighted, but then, asking online as you are still in doubt. I had no clue this kind of crazy even existed. Does she want him for herself?
My husband died two years ago and I can't even begin to imagine not wearing my rings.
As a man married for 25+ years now, to a woman with an illness that makes her life expectancy much less than mine... I have no idea how I'm going to react if/when she passes before I do. I expect to be devastated. I expect to grieve in ways I cannot fathom currently. I certainly expect the people around me to allow me to do so in peace. I don't know if the OP wanted a relationship with the widower or not (maybe she had a friend that did). Regardless, she was WAY over bounds and completely off the rails.
Totally the asshole among other things. I cannot fathome the callousness. Just because a spouse dies doesn't mean their bond is broken. What is it to this ass if he wears his ring or not? The ring is a symbol of love and unity that doesn't diminish just as one party dies. A little piece of this man died when his wife did. Or at least that's what happened when my husband died. I still love him the same and it's been nearly 8 years now. Everyone grieves differently and their is no wrong way to grieve, for the most part. When James is ready, he will take his ring off. He may never take it off. It's not misleading at all. It shows that he loves his wife and that they are as one, even after her passing. So how about minding your own business and leave James and others you may "not be able to but ask" alone! They don't have to justify their actions or their feelings to you.
"And then there was silence, except for the sound of my heart... ...breaking" My feelings when my BF (17 years and a child together) died of lung cancer 10 years ago. OP is definitely the AH.
Load More Replies... My greatgrandma continued wearing her wedding band until she died. Despite her husband passing waaaaaaay earlier than she did... I cannot believe this person thinks she could be in the right and that that poor widower was overreacting. I thought he was quite nice to her despite her being repeatedly rude and pressing an apparently sensitive topic...
So what will this cursed colleague from hell do as a followup? Explain to some unfortunate female colleague that experienced a stillbirth "You're not a mother , you've not given birth, and acting as if you can name your non-child (or god forbid, get a memorial marker) is just totally wrong"? It seems a hard first act to follow up!
Wait, some people think you wear your ring... as a social marker for others? It's something for yourself. You can be married and not having one, or vice versa.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years now. If he passed away I would wear my wedding rings for many years after.
YTA. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA. Get a clue, lady. Why do you care if he's wearing a ring? And did you expect him to just whip it off after the funeral? The only way he could mislead someone is if he was married and wasn't wearing a ring. OP definitely sounds like she wanted to date him.
This woman is awful. After he explained he just isn’t ready to take it off she should have shut her mouth. She should have said she is sorry for his loss and left it at that. That should have been the end of the conversation. It’s absolutely none of her business. I’m still wearing my ring after losing my husband almost two years ago. My ring, my grief, my business.
Whatever his status is it's none of your f-ing business! This is extremely rude and honestly I would complain to HR if I were him. It constitutes as a hostile work environment.
A person has the right to wear a ring on any finger married or not. My father never took his ring off. The OP sounds like a terrible person and she needs to mind her own business! She doesn't care that her co-worker is grieving!
OMG, what an insensitive 32 yr old woman! None of her business. We shouldn't pry into co-worker's relationship status. It's a workplace! . James had a mature response. 👏
It isn't her business is it? It could be many reasons, grieving, out of respect and memory for his deceased wife (I'm sorry for his loss 😔) or even he kept it on to prevent people from flirting with him, the lady should have stayed out of it or at least have a little tact or empathy and compassion I have this feeling that she's interested in him, though acting that way... never going to happen
Someone in the Reddit comments pointed out that she may be undiagnosed and on the spectrum, because that's pretty much the only thing that could explain her total cluelessness as to how massively inappropriate her comments were.
I would think that if was on the spectrum (ADHD, AUTISM) she would have had a history of saying inappropriate things and the way she told the story she has no remorse even while asking if she was TA. So I'm on the fence about that. I was un-diagnosed with ADHD until recently and I do have a history of being a bit more blunt than what is considered normal but not at this level and I certainly would have realized it after I blurted it out and feel terrible and wouldn't need to even question who was right or wrong (and 10 years from now I would still think about this and feel terrible because that's ADHD/Anxiety). I agree with someone earlier who pointed out she must have had a crush on him and was trying to angle it that way. If anything she may have NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).
Load More Replies... What a Complete and utter Bitch!! It is None of her business whether James wears the ring or not. This woman is clearly looking at him as a piece of fresh meat she thinks should be on the market. If he chose to wear it for the rest of his life that's his business, not hers. Even if he remarried and wore it still it wouldn't bother me, it's a sign of respect and love. My father wore both His wedding ring and my mothers wedding ring every day after she died. Who the Hell were these few co-workers who apparently agreed with her?? She needs psychiatric evaluation this stupid, insensitive, ignorant cow.
Just in case there's any ambiguity, yes, you are most definitely the asshole.
I don't think the guy over reacted at all. I think he under reacted. I would have gotten angry and raised my voice, gone to my manager, and HR. It's nobody's business why a widower/widow still wears a ring. If you're curious ask if you can ask about it. If they say no just assume they are still hurting and move on. They'll talk about it if and when they're ready. Also, a general rule is if a person loses a spouse give them 6 months for every married year before they start moving on. My friend lost his wife to a sudden heart attack. He wore his ring until he got re married 10 or so years later.
I don't leave comments on these threads, but I felt compelled to on this one. The OP is TA! Quite simply, this was NONE of HER business, BULLYING is NOT ACCEPTABLE, and she should have been reported to HR.
"James" relationship status is, frankly, no one's business. This chic was completely out of bounds telling him he was misrepresenting his relationship status. Get over yourself lady and leave this poor man alone.
Isn't it common knowledge that widows/widowers wear their wedding rings as long as they want. My grandmother was widowed decades longer than she was married, but she never took off her rings.
YTA. As someone who also lost a great love of my life in a car accident over 15 years ago: Time means nothing. It still feels like it happened yesterday. 8 months are practically nothing. Of course, he is still wearing his ring. He is not single. Being single to me means being emotionally available. OP probably hasn't ever really been in love or she wouldn't lack this amount empathy. It's really none of her business to begin with and even worse asking a new co-worker such a personal question on lunch break in front of everyone. No, he didn't overreact. "Misleading" is something completely different.
I am baffled about how some people seem to have no sense when it comes to feelings! I too could/can ask very perosnal and direct questions, because I am a strongly curious person, but my parents and society in general taught me from a young age that there are topics that you just LET GO! - worst case scenario, if you really can't, then first get to know that person better, to see how that person reacts to similar or that specific topic (in this case ex. marriage, death, etc.) and MAYBE, just maybe, after a while ask IN PRIVATE! (hence the word PRIVACY!) and if the person obviously tries shutting the topic down, then immediately drop it for good! But really, asking a new colleague, in front of others and still insisting on your own view of the situation and then even shrug it off? Not to even start speaking about what/how grieving is! Jesus, this woman is a soulles robot, or what?
Definitely TA, especially after 8 months, almost all widows and widowers keep their wedding rings, especially after a long marriage. My nan wore hers for a decade after my grandad died, until she died too.
Yes YTA, my great grandpa went missing in WW2 (declared dead shortly after) and his wife, my great grandma was still wearing hers when she died in 2005 - more than 60 years after he had died. Nobody ever questioned it, her life her decision. Even after all that time she still missed him very much , even after this much time she could hardly speak about him without crying. I know that's a different Generation, and there weren't that many men left. But she never even considered getting in a realationship or remerried, as a lot of her friends did. She always hoped for him to be alive and come back to her. Sorry for mistakes, english is not my main language.
I'd file a complaint with HR. Beyond the fact that she's completely clueless and insensitive, it is inappropriate for the work place. Relationship status is ones personal business. Even if he was freely single and wearing a wedding band it's his business. She's WILDLY inappropriate professionally speaking.
I didn't even want to read it. I married only once and he is my one and only.even if he passed I would never take it off. My exes mom still wears hers and her husband has been dead for 4 years. I might give it to my daughters partner when she chooses to be married. This lady is out of her f*****g mind being confused for a widower to keep respecting the bounds of the relationship. I would of gone to HR and had her fired or go to sensitivity training. The nerve of some people.
Absolutely none of her bloody business. She should have kept her mouth shut.
If James had tried it on with her, or chatted her up then the OP noticed that he was still wearing his wedding ring then yes, this would be misleading. To ask him about it is not only insensitive but also down right rude, she clearly has feelings for him, but he's understandably still grieving after only 8 months and definitely not interested.
Wow. It is nobody else's business to decide if you are single or married or available or anything else regarding your relationship status. I cannot believe that this person was so utterly rude and crass to tell this man openly and publicly that he shouldn't wear a wedding ring because his wife is dead and he is "technically" single. If I had heard this, I don't know that I would have been able to keep quiet. But I would have apologized to the widower next time I saw him and I would have reported that other idiot to HR for harassing him.
Some people need to learn to mind their own damn business. End of story.
YTA. Your co-worker's private life has no bearing on his abilities in the workplace...and it's none of your business.
Woooow biggest YTA i've seen in a long time. Who the hell are you, his Facebook Status manager? You take off the ring when you are ready, sometimes that's months or years after the death of a spouse, sometimes it's months before a divorce. Either way, it's their business, you should not have inquired on what you would have known is an emotionally sensitive and PRIVATE subject for someone else, and in such a coldly worded manner. The poor man's wife is gone forever and you're hitting him with the semantics of "on a technicality". Please, get over yourself and grow up and learn some emotional sensitivity and common decency.
I cannot believe some people feel they have the right to interfere in others lives. I have been with my partner for 8 years and he lost his wife 9 years ago. He still wears his wedding ring. People have asked if it bothers me or say they wouldn't put up with it. I'm secure in my relationship and it's his life. Who are we to tell people what's right or wrong. I'm livid with this stupid insensitive woman.
OMG you are such an AH! Even if he decides to wear it till he dies and never have any relation it is none of your business! He is not single , he is a widower. ppl usually grieve for a year at least. in my country it is even customary to wear black the whole year. as for the wedding rings: ppl wear it mostly as a reminder of their love not to send signals, though a wedding band for sure sends a signal. You should be happy he did not report you to HR!
I wear my mom's wedding ring all the time and she passed away 5 years ago. I really hope this is fake because I find that person absolutely repulsive...
If I were him of report her to HR. Relationship status at work is no one's business. Even if he was freely single and wearing a wedding band, that's his choice. To insist that he is being misleading is so far beyond what is appropriate for the workplace.
If he's still wearing the ring, he is clearly not ready for anyone to approach him and she had no right to question him for it.
In other words.... she's annoyed that he's not interested in dating. Dating her, concretely. Get over yourself, lady.
What a horrible woman!!! He should report that situation to HR. Even if he wasn't a widower, he can wear whatever he wants on his finger!!!! It's not a legal obligation to wear a ring wheb you are married and not to wear it when you are "single". The ring is a SYMBOL OF THE LOVED PERSON, not a status indicator for other people like on facebook...
If a woman wanted to wear a fake wedding ring at work because she did not want some one hitting on her it is her right to do that, AND the same applies to a man. It is not their responsibility to be available or signal that they are available to any regardless of the reason. This OP is clearly the AH and like a big hypocrite. I would have gone to HR if the genders were reversed I doubt the OP would have a problem seeing the problem with her behavior. Sexism goes both ways and so does sexual harassment.
I can't believe how cruel, ruthless and insensitive people can be in this day and age. What does his status have to do with her? Why is it any of her concern. Is she interested in him? This man is grieving his loss in the way he best knows how and if continuing to wear his ring brings him some kind of comfort then that's his business. It's absolutely none of her business and the fact that she even posted about it just shows how extremely stupid and clueless she is.
He definitely did not overreact, you had no business asking infront of everyone on lunch break such a silly personal question. But let's hope you have some condition that might explain your insensitivity.
This was none of her business to why he is still wearing his wedding ring. If he chooses to wear it for the rest of his life , so what. What he should have said is " this is none of your business whether I wear my ring or not. What a bitch.
She reminds me of all these men who would say a woman is misleading them when she smiles and 'flirts' by being nice but doesn't want to date them. I think asking this question could still work out if this woman didn't push and accuse poor man. WTF, just because he's 'single' he has to date now? His feelings and respect for a loved one are less important?
And then people wonder why america is falling apart. This is why. Americans have completely lost their ethical and moral compass to the point where the entitlement is so big it's taking over every aspect of normal living. My god,and the world is watching and taking it as an example which is an even bigger problem. Because of people like this who flaunting t their rudeness other who are the same think they are right and entitled to insulting and offending other people.. I think the widowers response should have been:IM SORRY,DID I ASK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION? jeez
This must be fake... No one can be that stupid. You just don't ask such questions. I don't even understand why he should remove the ring at all. He may want to stay like that forever. It's his business and this is not something you touch. Either fake or she wanted him for herself.
She's the AH and just lucky he didn't go to HR over her intrusion to his private life. She's the one lacking social skills and, apparently, common sense.
Why does she think he wears his wedding band still? Is she that dense? The simplest most common answer as to why a widow(er) wears their wedding band is because they still feel married and devoted. It's not as if they're divorced and he chose to exit the marriage--he and his wife didn't choose for their marriage to be over, so to him he's still a devoted partner. She is just absolutely vacuous. The part of me that wants to see better about people wonders if maybe she just comes from an entirely different culture where it's not acceptable to continue to wear a wedding ring after their spouses death. Or maybe she was dropped off from another planet entirely? It's just strange that she seems to think this is a sinister issue and that he's being deceptive.
Sometimes I really do think that these stories are made up because I can't believe someone could be this heartless and entitled to a person. This woman is obviously the biggest ASSHOLE, if the guy is wearing his ring then let him do so and it's none of her business if it's "misleading". Also I agree with the person saying that she is probably in love with him and is jealous of the fact that James is still grieving his late wife. She is f*****g and disgusting idiot and so are the coworkers that agree with her
It sounds as if the OP has some clinical issues, autism, perhaps. She doesn't comprehend social conventions or mores. She should consider getting tested.
Are you freaking kidding me? It's his and only his business whatever he will do with the ring. Take it off right after funeral, wear it as a necklace as a memory or freaking wear it for the rest of his life! Some people are sensitive you know. I can't believe she thought this was an okay behaviour and made it even public. What a rude and compassionless person this woman must be. No empathy or anything at all! Who the f cares about "technically" except her? Well this sure made me furious as hell.
Yikes. My only hope is that maybe this woman can't process things that don't fit properly in conceptual boxes. But I fear it's just that she wants to date him and doesn't want to be seen out with a married man.
Why is James obligated to be open and truthful about his relationship status? I mean, if he were claiming not to be married when he is would've been misleading to anyone he would have started dating. Other than that, he owes anyone jack-s**t regarding his relationship status.
what a stupid woman! she obviously wants to date James and wonders why he's not interested when he's lost his wife so long ago...oh wait, only 8 months. it took me one and half year to be able to talk about my lost loved one and it's still hard after nearly 3yrs. that woman was next level disrespectful and has little to no understanding in this case.
Unbelievable. The wedding ring is a memory to a promise you made. Wearing that ring reminds him of his wife, someone he usually spent every day with and who is now gone. Would you say something like that to someone who lost a parent and wears a pendant with their picture in it? Would you say that to someone who lost a child and still has their picture on their desk? I'm guessing no, but if you're insensitive enough to bring it up with a widower, who knows? Poor guy probably wanted to make a fresh start at a new company where no-one knew his wife and then this happens.
My grandmother was still quite young ( in her 40s) when my grandfather died and she never had anyone else and didnt take the wedding band off either. She wore it for almost 50 years afterwards and was burried with it too. I remember when I was a kid and realized it was a wedding band and that some people remarried after being widowed and my being a nosy kid asked her about it. I was probably around 8 by then and my grandfather was gone almost a decade before I was born and that conversation was so hard on her that I never had the gall to ask about it again. I just started to ask more stories about him because he really felt like an amazing man and I think she liked that I asked about " how life was in the past".
My wife of 22 years died about 4 months ago (September 8th), and I still wear my wedding ring. I'm not trying to deceive or mislead anyone, I'm not ready to let go. She was my life, and people need to mind their own damn business. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to take it off.
You are TA of course, no need to even ask. This is a work place to begin with. And you're just irritatingly out of whack. You sound like you put your nose in other people's business all the time. It's nobody's business what's his status especially at work. If somebody is living with a partner, having children and all, but outside of marriage and without a band, does it mean you are considering them free meat? It's none of your business, bit*!
By the way, I hope he took the matter to HR.
Load More Replies... I don't think anyone in that room said that HE overreacted... OP is just trying to act like Someone was on their side. This person is fucken disgusting. No wonder they're still single .. pining after widows n trying to argue their way into a relationship. Yeah. What a fucken twat.
She wanted him to advertise himself as being available so as not to offend her? She is subtly trying to insinuate she might be interested with him and she cant fathom being told he doesnt take to her like she would've thought. She is the ultimate Asshole. WTF does a technical angle even f*****g mean under this context??? she is deplorable
It could be 8 years instead of 8 months and still he would've been right and you - terribly wrong. Have you ever lost a loved one? Would you appreciate a similar comment from your new colleague who knows absolutely nothing about you and your loss? Image if it was you - how would you feel if it was you who was accused of doing something misleading when you should be silently phrased on how strong you are to still go on. Just think before talking. It saves lives.
It's none of their business if the guy doesn't want to stop wearing the wedding ring. He doesn't have the obligation to announce to the public that he's no longer single. Also, the loss of a loved one is a very sensitive topic. You don't just open up that conversation randomly while chatting during lunch break, especially in the presence of many other people. It hasn't even been a year since he lost his spouse. He's obviously still grieving. It's terrible that the poster and their friends think he was overreacting.
Definitely overstepped - how insensitive! 😒 Does someone have to stab you for you to understand that it hurts? That poor man is in such pain still and trying to process at HIS own pace. This nonsense was such a trigger. I'd be eating in the car or somewhere else.
Stop looking for people to comfort your ego, you're only asking people to find reason in what you did to make yourself feel better, you want someone to excuse you so you don't feel sh*t about yourself. And in the meanwhile you're making the widow look like the villain in all this, of course he didn't over react in any way, shape or form, HE'S GRIEVING of course he's going to react like that, it's not your right to tell people how to feel or how to grieve, especially when he never asked! Either you have a condition that impairs your ability to understand social cues, or you are such a self-entitled tw*t without an ounce of humanity and compassion.
Grief looks different on different people, and he doesn't have to justify his. He doesn't owe you or anyone else anything. You've probably made this experience all the more traumatic for him. How dare you demand he explain himself to you, and what makes it worse is that you aren't even friends - not that he needs to justify himself to his friends neither. Just because you have a sense of self entitlement doesn't mean he needs to make YOU feel satisfied. The fact you've even had the audacity to challenge him on it, let alone based off of a technicality, is beyond awful. Regardless of your intentions, you obviously haven't experienced a grief like it and have little-to-no empathy skills, you have to tread these waters lightly. He doesn't need to take his ring off to make any one comfortable, he is clearly still not ready to take it off and it holds so much sentimental value. Commitment to someone and love for someone doesn't just end because they're no longer with us.
Hell yea you are the f*****g asshole.. who cares what he is doing, he don't give a s**t about what others think and good for him, cuz I would wear my ring as well, just like him and tell anyone who thought they could tell me what to do or what other people might think that they could suck my ass. WHAT A C**T! You have ZERO right to question him and try to tell him he is doing something wrong. BIIIIIIIITCH.
These are so clearly made up: why are there almost never any scenarios in which there is at least SOME disagreement over who is or is “NTA????” Here’s why: because it takes no imagination or energy to fabricate a tale where readers can easily come down solidly on one side or the other, slamming the OP or the person he/she is complaining about, because there IS no middle ground to debate! It’s all become very obvious and very boring.
WTF? If he was married, his wife was still alive, and he was NOT wearing a ring, then he'd be misleading people. But who TF cares if he gives everyone the impression he's still married when he's "technically" not? She's not only an AH, but a condescending know it all bitch. If someone said that to me or anyone I was friends with, I wouldn't have been able to stay calm and that person would absolutely know they were the AH by my reaction.
YTA most definitely! It doesn't even matter if he's a widower or not, the only things that matter is 1. She forcefully pushed her questions and opinions onto someone who is just a work colleague, and a new one at that, not a more close acquaintance, buddy, friend, bff or close relative; and 2. She did all this in a way that wasn't private at least, not to mention it demonstrates 0 empathy for the other person, it was all about her own curiosity, gains, whatever the f**k she wanted to achieve. Yeah, go learn some more growing up you major asshole.
OP is definitely AH. It's not hers or anyone's business and I personally thought her actions were very rude and inappropriate. Especially them being colleagues, where often people separate between their personal and professional life. OP needs to learn basic mannerisms.
What if this person has an undiagnosed condition that impairs their ability to empathise properly. Like literally not understanding why he’s still wearing the wedding ring when they’ve been taught that it is only worn by married people, and they’ve only interacted with living married people or divorced people before. They are now deemed TA when in reality they are just confused and now hurt that other people are jumping down their throats and also not understanding why some people are standing with them and others not.
Does it matter? The outcome is the same, OP is not the victim here. Just because someone is mentally deficient doesn't give them carte blanche to be a dumbass.
Load More Replies... This is definitely an HR situation, it is a form of harassment. After my first husband passed, I wore my ring for a year after, then I moved it to the other hand, I have remarried and wear my current ring where it is supposed to be and my other ring on my other hand. My husband calls it my gone but not forgotten ritual and it doesn't bother him in the least. Others have questioned it, but I shut them down very quickly and leave no room for them to question or hold an opinion about it. The OP is definitely one of the assholes, I've had to shut down!
OMG! This none of her business whether he wears his ring or not. Leave the man alone. There is no timeline when to stop grieving. You never stop missing the wife /husband. He can take the rest of his life, if he so chooses. The nosey nellie needs to stay away from him. Some people just gall me. She must think she is important. because he would never be interested in her.
There are SO MANY rude heartless angles to this. It's been eight months, he's still in love and emotionally unavailable. He wasn't being misleading if the people at the office knew he was a widowed - misleading would've been pretending/saying his wife was still alive. He wasn't. Last but not least he if wants to appear unavailable that's up to him. No questions asked. That's his choice. If I want to go buy myself a wedding ring and start wearing it to appear unavailable - that's my choice. Did this woman demand he take down all photos of her as well?
I did not bother reading it all because I thought the woman would somehow make sense but sorry, this was so painful to read. Man's clearly still grieving the passing of his late wife.
None of her f**king business. Mind you, Id have said that I wore it to ward of awful women like her. 😁
She's DTA 😡 Why is it her business why he wears his wedding ring still? Also, his wife had only died 8 months ago?? Seriously? She definitely overstepped.
Just repeat to yourself, "What anyone does with or puts on their body is none of my business."
She should just stop being a nosey ass bitch and shoved what she thinks up to her b-hole. Insensitive and arrogant. What a stupid and zero common sense, and zero empathy being.
YTA. It is none of your Karen's business that he is wearing a ring. Misleading? In what way? Because predator women want to prey on the cute young widower? Asking about his ring is just as impolite as to ask young women when they finally are getting children. Then all hell breaks loose. MYODB
You had no place to say what you said. It is none of your business.
You don't stop loving someone just because they're gone. S**t like this is the reason people like 'Sheldon Cooper' get slapped around. They're not evil. They just don't have any empathy, and can't keep their yaps shut.
The more articles from Reddit/AITA I read, the lesser I believe they are real.
Isn't that the point? Engagement? I wouldn't call it clever, more like common.
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