35 Behaviors That Were Turned Into Red Flags But Actually Don’t Mean Anything, According To Folks In This Online Group
There are so many weird and creepy people around that look and act normal at first, but when you talk to them some more or even become friends or start a relationship with them, you realize that they are quite toxic or crazy. After a couple of these experiences, you start to look for signs before committing to getting closer to that person.
There are a lot of common signs that are really telling, but we have started to demonize behaviors that don’t actually tell us anything and it's just a normal thing that many people do, including the bad people in your life.
Reddit user MuchDuck did us all a favor and asked people online “What is widely considered a red flag but actually is not?” allowing people who do certain things to defend themselves and for others to learn that sometimes healthy behaviors that may seem suspicious or unacceptable to us don’t mean that someone is a bad human being.
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I once met a girl who thought it was a red flag that I always placed my phone screen down on a table. She thought it meant I was hiding something. I had to try and explain that it's too big to keep in my pocket and it's screen down to be polite and show her that she has my undivided attention.
Although, I must admit, that her level of insecurity was a red flag to me.
This is a red flag on her part, can't be so paranoid about the littlest things.
Not having a social media presence. I’ve had multiple people tell me that my choice not to use social media was a huge red flag, but in reality I got rid of my accounts because they were making me miserable. I got rid of my Facebook/Instagram/twitter accounts two years ago, and have been noticeably happier ever since.
I love that I don’t have other SM 😍 just bored panda and YouTube. People always think it’s so weird but that’s ok . I’m happy 😊
Being independent, or even a loner. Sometimes we’re just shy and have poor social skills. We’re not “creeps” or “weird”. I just do my own thing and leave people alone for the most part unless they want me in their life.
Being alone does not mean being lonely. I suspect the ones who think it's weird are the ones who can't stand their own company...
Not responding to texts immediately.
No *Brenda* I'm not ghosting you, I am literally at work.
Single guy with a cat. I am NOT a monster god dammit.!!!
Not getting along with parents. Some parents are abusive, neglectful, or toxic to be around; and if an adult chooses not to be around that, good for them.
Of course, if a person is actively awful *to* their parents, that's another story.
And stop telling people who have little or NC with their abusive family that they're AH because "family is everything" ... It might be for you, but not all of us had a wonderful home life. Some of us were treat appallingly.
Not having many friends. im just very introverted not a weirdo.
Yes, being introverted is perfectly fine. Its just been ruined by people saying that they are introverts when they are not.
Not dating for several years, I’ve been told by girls that if a guy has been single for over five years that’s a problem.
So you’d prefer he’d be in 25 relationships in the last five years and wonder why all those relationships didn’t work out?
Sometimes, not dating is good. Sometimes, dating can be really good. However, get into the wrong relationship, and it is not good whatsoever.
Men having female friends. A lot of girls get jealous, but if it's a real friendship and not a bunch of exes and hookups, it actually shows women consider them reliable and good people to have around.
maledependasaid:
A man playing with a child at a playground
Grogosh added:
Decades of that stranger danger stuff ruined dads being out with their child. Sure its a legitimate threat but the real bad stuff happens because they already know the kid, in family, friends, etc.
SadPlayground said:
Being over 40 and never having been married.
newbuttonacc replied:
It's weird because by implication, it's "not being divorced"
Which is, by extension, "not having sworn a vow to be with someone forever and then broke that vow"
How is that a red flag? Idk.
I lived in a highly conservative area and people were treating me like a weirdo for not being married at 22. Knowing how stupid I was at 22, not getting married was easily the smartest thing I did.
Men that like children and babies. Why do we assume every guy that likes babies is a pervert and a woman can't be?
Agreed, there is a lot of sexism against women, but i feel as though there is also some against men that is disregarded.
smallemochick said:
not wanting your partner(s) to have the passwords to all your social media accounts
arturobear added:
It's just weird. My husband and I sometimes leave things open on shared devices and each of us, just respectfully logs out and logs in with our own credentials. We don't open each other's mail either.
There's a basic level of respect and trust you need to have in a relationship. If you feel the need to snoop, there's a lot more going on and the relationship has probably been on the rocks for a while. There are more mature ways to handle it - like being open with your feelings and having a frank conversation.
For me forcing other people to give you their passwords is a huge red flag AND a dealbreaker. I don't have anything to hide BUT I have conversations with people other than my partner where those people talk about their private matters, problems... in general, things which my partner shouldn't know because these secrets weren't entrusted him but for me. Also, there are some things I feel more comfortable talking with my friends or siblings than with my partner. Wanting unlimited access to someone's social medias is just childish and a sign of insecurity.
Girls with stuffed animals. It’s just comfort and habit. Not that deep.
Edit: I’m so glad so many others of all identities agree. Its so okay to enjoy comforting items at any age. So happy to see it. You deserve to find joy and comfort in the simple things.
living with family, in this day and age it’s just not feasible for everyone to have their own place.
Houses are so expensive to buy and to rent in Canada and it's so hard for a young adult to be able to afford to move out. I blame the greedy second/third home buyers which boosted the sale prices of homes, and now rent out at exuberant prices having the renter pay their mortgage, or have made them into those air bnb things. For young families, and many other families, the struggle is real.
Not wanting a relationship, or not wanting certain things in a relationship (sex included).
Not everyone wants the same things and not everyone likes the same things.
Understanding that not all criminals are bad people.
Sometimes I try to explain to people that maybe some criminals did what they did because of their circumstances and their weird understanding of how the world works. That does not necessarily make them a bad person.
I am met with such harsh criticism for this statement, like I'm the criminal here. I just "understand" them, I don't commit crimes like them.
At this point I've stopped explaining this to anyone I know without being anymomous.
I've been in prison. I committed a crime, and I deserved to be there. While I was there, I got therapy I desperately needed. Prison was a huge wakeup call, and I knew I had to change. It was very difficult, with a ton of soul-searching. Changing your life and making it stick is such hard work. There were times I thought I'd gone crazy; times I felt I didn't deserve to have any good in my life because I was such an evil person. Even after therapy, I haven't quit struggling. Even ten years later, there are times I'm so overwhelmed with guilt that I feel I deserve nothing but evil. I know I've changed. People who knew me throughout my prison years saw me change. People who knew me before, and know me now, tell me how much I've changed. It is possible. It's not easy, and many aren't able/willing to put in the work. For myself, I'm proud of how far I've come, and of the kind of woman I'm trying to become
Not wanting to spend every minute of every living day w your SO🙄
So relationships are implied but not explicitly specified. So I am going to expand this to employment.
Gaps in employment being seen as a red flag in a resume.
This. I haven't had a job in two years and am about to start looking again. I'm terrified of being pegged as unemployable.
Good luck out there. It is hard indeed of you have a gap in your resume :(. But try not to be terrified. Just remember that if someone doesn't want to hire you becaise of a gap in your resume, they were probably not worth your time anyway. You'll be fine.
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I just got a job after an almost 5 year gap. Moving, medical issues, covid... but luckily someone gave me a chance. First day is tomorrow.
Good luck! You'll do great, I'm sure of it!
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This. But let's also add in how some things, such as babysitting or even just parenting aren't seen as 'real' jobs and can't be added to a resume.
Sure they can! There is no rule, or at least I have yet to see one where you can't include stuff like that. It's an honest form of work and it will help to show why you haven't had a "salary" for awhile. I would add it in.
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"Can you explain the gap in your resume?" yes, it's when I was not working. That's all you need to know.
Depending on the reason for the gap, you could note it/expand on it to improve the resume. For example, caring for an ill family member/friend can show you are supportive/caring, travelling could have allowed you to expand your experience/knowledge/language skills.
This is the way to approach it. I've employed people with gaps. They may have been a bit out of date in some respects, but they'll have a host of other experiences that they'll bring to the organisation and people can update their skill sets! If they're the right person I'd not dismiss them. In one organisation I worked at they actively took on people who were struggling to get back into work. Eg some people who had looked after a parent for 20 years or so and completely lost touch with the working world. I'll be honest, sometimes it didn't work out. One man would wonder over to my team and stare at my staff (mostly young women) but a brief chat and it stopped. Others, it got them back into work successfully. In the UK there are organisations that exist to help people in these situations.
Load More Replies... While I realise it isn't always possible, one way to mitigate this is by just keeping yourself busy. Just an hour or two a week working for a charity or volunteering at local club not only eliminates that gap but also let you say you've been expanding your skills and helping the community.
You can tell them it was medical issues. They don't need to know your business if it won't affect theirs. In the USA, they are not allowed to ask you about any medical stuff.
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It took me years to land employment when my daughter was smaller. When I was asked about the gaps in employment I would explain I was taking care of my family, my daughter. I would get raised eyebrows, and narrow gazes, like they disapproved. It was almost like they thought I was just sitting on welfare, but I wasn't. I wasn't even on welfare and not single. Not like it should matter.
I find it weird. Never had a problem employing people who had perfectly normal, sensible gaps in their paid employment such as looking after their children! The parents I employed all worked hard, had to sometimes leave unexpectedly because of a childcare emergency, but no more than I did for other reasons eg house fire, sick pet, sick parents. Real life gets in the way of the working world sometimes. You're right - it shouldn't matter.
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In employment, they're not red flags, but they are *potential* red flags. If there is a gap in a resume, all that means is that the interviewer should ask about the gap. If the interviewer doesn't want to talk about it, then that's fine. But the question should be asked - it's the interviewer's responsibility.
They don't mark down for a gap in employment if it's explained. They only get suspicious if there's a gap because you could have had a job(s)that you don't want them to know about i.e. you were fired for stealing, gross misconduct etc. It looks worse to have multiple jobs in a short space of time because they start asking why you don't stay in one for long.
My biggest tip from interviews is be confident and apply your skills. Don't just say I'm great at "X". Give an example and say that's why I believe I would be amazing at (insert area of job description).
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My wife is a teaching assistant for special needs children. Before that she was a full time mum for 7 years. Mainly due to our son being autistic plus if she had a job in 2020 she would have most likely lost it when the pandemic hit. But for this job, we put on her cv that she was a full time mum to an autistic child. Shows she has the lived experience to do the job and look after a SEN child in a school setting
A friend of mine has a one year gap because he was in and out of hospitals at the time and working a gig job before that. He's perfectly healthy with medication that doesn't affect the brain or work capability, but he still gets questions about on job interviews and has lost a couple of opportunities
My son is 32 and has been out of work for 18 months, Still no prospects despite his trying.
I was 49 when the company I had worked for 27 years closed the branch I was in. At the time I thought it was a good idea to take a break, learn some new skills, and then get back into action in a new direction. Not so for employers. Let's say that the truth is: you're not popular as a 50+ on the employment market. Let alone when you're 60+.
God this is so true. Wtf am I supposed to do about it at this stage anyway? Smh. Like fr what??? Resumes are such a crock of s$%* generally but 'explain any gaps in employment' like there is no right answer to that it's just yet another way of making sure The Poors and Undesirables don't get a job.
Haven't they heard of this thing called "looking for a job"? You're not going to lose one job and then be immediately employed at another.
That’s what I did (sort of), had a 10 year gap on my resume, started a non-profit in the last year or so of it and used that as gap-filler in interviews, worked wonders!
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Had a gap in my employment because I was my father's care taker before he died. Had one interviewer question my "future loyalty" between family and job. Screw this. Started my own business.
I’ve employed people who had gaps in their employment before and generally recommend they put they were working for themselves if I don’t hire them (for reasons unrelated to the gap). Telling people you were working for yourself allows you to expound all the things you did learn whilst “unemployed” for example new skills you learned, how community volunteering enabled you to build better intpersonal skills, or just generally wanting to try and work for yourself by cultivating your entrepreneurial skills. If they ask why you changed your mind and want to work for someone it’s simple - you learned the skills necessary to become more effective in paid employment and wanted to take a break from wearing all the hats in the company to focus on doing a smaller number of tasks better.
Right! Why does there always have to be some kind of valid "excuse" for gaps in a resume? I'm an RN, so I do understand why a real long gap in my particular profession might be relevant when considering candidates (best practices and technology are continually changing in healthcare, so one's personal practice can easily fall behind the curve if out of work for prolonged periods), but - seriously - sometimes people just need to take a break from work for their own emotional or physical wellness. If anyone actually put that reason down on their resume, employers would undoubtedly consider the person to be the equivalent of "potentially defective goods." Apparently, employers only want people who will prioritize "work" over themselves. Personally, I wouldn't want to work for a company that expects me to always put myself second... but - really - do we even have much of a choice when they all think the same way?
I struggle with my mental health and it has affected my employment in the past. I’m terrified of trying to get a new job because of all the gaps, because of my mental health. I don’t want to be punished for doing my best.
What the employer sees is: “Has the gumption to quit without what I consider to be a valid exist strategy as soon as they’re done dealing with my managerial incompetence, and that will very likely be as soon as they become aware of said managerial incompetence, not months down the road…” - which, I guess, if that’s your managerial sitch, would feel like a red flag.
Having to explain the gap in your employment history is so intrusive & triggering. People have other things to deal with in life that need attention & doesn't mean they are lazy
No, but for some jobs it’s essential to account for people’s work history and gaps. I hire for schools. If a potential employee has gaps it could indicate a prison term, or psychiatric issues, or drug problems. All of which are disclosable by law and would preclude them from working with children. We try to handle it with sensitivity and compassion, and take individual circumstances into account. But checks have to be done to safeguard the children.
Load More Replies... Seriously. I get asked why the gap regarding the time I chose to be a stay-at-home mom for my children's most formidable years of development. Like, WTF?
The amount of women I know that take it as a red flag that a guy doesn't pay for all dates/buy them things. I'm proud of what I have done with my life and that I can go do those things myself, I like a guy that treats me as an equal. That is not a red flag at all to me
Agreed, the man should not always have to pay. Both genders should pay 50/50. Its just common sense.
Having an incompatible zodiac sign does not justify treating someone like a red flag. Please stop this madness....
Not answering the phone or the door just because someone is calling or knocking. Once upon a time if you couldn’t get a hold of your friend or family member right away you assumed they were already busy doing something and you found something else to do. If it was of actual importance you would leave a BRIEF message describing why you called.
Now if I don’t jump up off the toilet just to see who is knocking on my front door or calling my landline (I have bad cell reception where I live) without texting first people act like I’m dead or I’m being an a*****e. It’s so easy to text first that if you refuse to do it, I find *that* a red flag.
Not wanting drama. It doesn't mean I cause drama, I've lived with drama and I truly won't put up with it, life is too short.
TruthProfessional340 said:
Going to therapy
DetectiveBennett added:
Considering less than just two generations ago it wasn’t just a red flag but considered as admission of being really damaged, I don’t think society has accepted that it’s actually a good thing just yet. Boomers definitely used to think going to therapy/being in the “looney bin” was sign they were a bad person and I don’t think they’ve really seen the light on that yet. Hopefully our generations will completely break through these prejudices.
Wanting and expecting your privacy to stay intact. I don't want my partner having my computer/phone passwords and I sure as hell don't want him snooping through my phone. I'm not hiding anything, but I am entitled to my privacy, and so is my partner.
Yes. I'm an extremely private person. I have nothing to hide but my business is my business
Not going to college
I plan to go personally but some people dont. I've been raised to believe people who go to college have their life together or are smarter than the average person. I've learned pretty quickly that people who don't go to college aren't stupid or anything. Some just have a different life path or can't afford it or found a job or buisness that works out better than any colleges opportunities would've given.
College doesn't define a person's worth. It's just an expensive tool to get some people where they want to be.
Agreed, in the past years i have reconsidered if college is even worth it, with how much debt it puts you into.
Not posting pictures with friends on your dating profile. Some people assume you’re anti-social and not pleasant to be around, but I choose not to because I feel weird to post pictures of other people than myself.
I would think it's weird to post pics of your friends... it's a dating site, why would one ever post anyone other than just themselves.
Being quiet.
Everyone thinks I’m autistic or a nerd or something. I have no f*****g clue. I kind of shut up about it because I don’t care and I’m not there to try and prove to anyone anything or tell them they are wrong. It’s actually a good filter for me actually. But every one that works with me, or has to be around me for a long enough time, over time, realizes I’m a pretty cool dude and like to do fun s**t.
Someone even told me, “ya know mathaiser, I thought you were a huge dork but you’re actually pretty cool.”
So, what red flag is that? Being kinda quiet/shy. Just because I’m not pressing whatever advantage or peacocking there is, kinda adds to my quality imo. But I don’t think about it like that either. Just trying to explain it.
Could not agree more. I see that trend on tiktok and other social media that's like, "when the quiet kid gets insulted", and basically its always just the quiet kid getting stereotyped into being violent/ weird.
Setting personal boundaries.
I'm not a cuddler but that doesn't mean I don't want you near me. People don't get that.
AngelsOfWar01 said:
Being weird in an innocent way. Like society shuns anyone who thinks outside a set of parameters. When really its just a different way to view the world.
Thrillhouse-14 replied:
Agree. I also don't know why everyone feels the need to try and diagnose weirdness as autistic or ADHD or whatever, too. Why does there need to be an excuse for it? And why would a literal disability be the only thing to absolve that? People need to stop trying to railroad others just because they don't understand them. Some people are just built differently. They don't have to understand it, they just have to respect it.
I happen to yell 'SLAYER!' really loud every.single.time, someone says the word or I talk about the band....yes, people look and think I'm crazy.... I do love Slayer...and it is Slayer, soooooo....but I'm a grandma now so maybe its not acceptable anymore 🤣🤣 🤣. SLAYER! 🤘
Not owning a car. Idk how that's a red flag for some people, but personally I think public transport is superior
It depends on the area. Where I live, there is some public transportation, but it's infrequent. It would take 3 hours to get somewhere by bus that I can drive to in 20 minutes. So, yeah, not having a car where I live would be weird. When I lived in a big city, I didn't even own a car.
Jealousy. It’s a human emotion. Feeling jealousy isn’t a red flag. Now, punching the wall, or taking that feeling of jealousy out on a person IS a red flag.
Not having any prior sexual or relationship experience
You've got to start somewhere....but I see how this could be a red flag. Talk to each other on the phone, voice to voice. Ask questions - it won't take but a few questions to figure this out. You can't hide crazy!
Being “clingy”. Now ACTUALLY being clingy and overstepping boundaries IS a red flag. But these days a lot of things that are perceived as clingy are just people showing genuine interest as opposed to trying to “play it cool.” Just my opinion though.
The red flag about no friends or being a loner etc bugs me especially at Christmas. Every TV advert shows Christmas with friends and family, being the life and soul of the party and no one says it is OK to be alone (not lonely) at Christmas.
I stopped celebrating christmas YEARS ago, but every year still, without failure, someone says I can come over to theirs. I appreciate the concern, but I WANT to be alone that day, making myself some good food. I work in retail, so I have long-a$$ days in December, plus working until the evening before. I NEED and CRAVE those 3 days off to myself.
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The people who think These are red flags seam to be very insecure or full of red flags themselves
Agreed. And some of them also transpired some moral superiority which might be the red flag for me.
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My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. No, we're not in trouble, we have different schedules and he has sleep apnea. He likes the TV on all night, I sleep with white noise that makes him have to pee. We do different things when we're tired but have the most fun together otherwise. It's been awesome 😁
If we live in a world where not wanting to do something insignificant immediately, being linked to the internet 24/7 or (worse) wanting to play with your children are deemed to be red flags then I really think it's those who THINK this way that are the issue...
The red flag about no friends or being a loner etc bugs me especially at Christmas. Every TV advert shows Christmas with friends and family, being the life and soul of the party and no one says it is OK to be alone (not lonely) at Christmas.
I stopped celebrating christmas YEARS ago, but every year still, without failure, someone says I can come over to theirs. I appreciate the concern, but I WANT to be alone that day, making myself some good food. I work in retail, so I have long-a$$ days in December, plus working until the evening before. I NEED and CRAVE those 3 days off to myself.
Load More Replies... The people who think These are red flags seam to be very insecure or full of red flags themselves
Agreed. And some of them also transpired some moral superiority which might be the red flag for me.
Load More Replies... My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. No, we're not in trouble, we have different schedules and he has sleep apnea. He likes the TV on all night, I sleep with white noise that makes him have to pee. We do different things when we're tired but have the most fun together otherwise. It's been awesome 😁
If we live in a world where not wanting to do something insignificant immediately, being linked to the internet 24/7 or (worse) wanting to play with your children are deemed to be red flags then I really think it's those who THINK this way that are the issue...
