35 Behaviors That Were Turned Into Red Flags But Actually Don’t Mean Anything, According To Folks In This Online Group
There are so many weird and creepy people around that look and act normal at first, but when you talk to them some more or even become friends or start a relationship with them, you realize that they are quite toxic or crazy. After a couple of these experiences, you start to look for signs before committing to getting closer to that person.
There are a lot of common signs that are really telling, but we have started to demonize behaviors that don’t actually tell us anything and it's just a normal thing that many people do, including the bad people in your life.
Reddit user MuchDuck did us all a favor and asked people online “What is widely considered a red flag but actually is not?” allowing people who do certain things to defend themselves and for others to learn that sometimes healthy behaviors that may seem suspicious or unacceptable to us don’t mean that someone is a bad human being.
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I once met a girl who thought it was a red flag that I always placed my phone screen down on a table. She thought it meant I was hiding something. I had to try and explain that it's too big to keep in my pocket and it's screen down to be polite and show her that she has my undivided attention.
Although, I must admit, that her level of insecurity was a red flag to me.
This is a red flag on her part, can't be so paranoid about the littlest things.
Not having a social media presence. I’ve had multiple people tell me that my choice not to use social media was a huge red flag, but in reality I got rid of my accounts because they were making me miserable. I got rid of my Facebook/Instagram/twitter accounts two years ago, and have been noticeably happier ever since.
I love that I don’t have other SM 😍 just bored panda and YouTube. People always think it’s so weird but that’s ok . I’m happy 😊
Being independent, or even a loner. Sometimes we’re just shy and have poor social skills. We’re not “creeps” or “weird”. I just do my own thing and leave people alone for the most part unless they want me in their life.
Being alone does not mean being lonely. I suspect the ones who think it's weird are the ones who can't stand their own company...
Not responding to texts immediately.
No *Brenda* I'm not ghosting you, I am literally at work.
Single guy with a cat. I am NOT a monster god dammit.!!!
Not getting along with parents. Some parents are abusive, neglectful, or toxic to be around; and if an adult chooses not to be around that, good for them.
Of course, if a person is actively awful *to* their parents, that's another story.
And stop telling people who have little or NC with their abusive family that they're AH because "family is everything" ... It might be for you, but not all of us had a wonderful home life. Some of us were treat appallingly.
Not having many friends. im just very introverted not a weirdo.
Yes, being introverted is perfectly fine. Its just been ruined by people saying that they are introverts when they are not.
Not dating for several years, I’ve been told by girls that if a guy has been single for over five years that’s a problem.
So you’d prefer he’d be in 25 relationships in the last five years and wonder why all those relationships didn’t work out?
Sometimes, not dating is good. Sometimes, dating can be really good. However, get into the wrong relationship, and it is not good whatsoever.
Men having female friends. A lot of girls get jealous, but if it's a real friendship and not a bunch of exes and hookups, it actually shows women consider them reliable and good people to have around.
maledependasaid:
A man playing with a child at a playground
Grogosh added:
Decades of that stranger danger stuff ruined dads being out with their child. Sure its a legitimate threat but the real bad stuff happens because they already know the kid, in family, friends, etc.
SadPlayground said:
Being over 40 and never having been married.
newbuttonacc replied:
It's weird because by implication, it's "not being divorced"
Which is, by extension, "not having sworn a vow to be with someone forever and then broke that vow"
How is that a red flag? Idk.
I lived in a highly conservative area and people were treating me like a weirdo for not being married at 22. Knowing how stupid I was at 22, not getting married was easily the smartest thing I did.
Men that like children and babies. Why do we assume every guy that likes babies is a pervert and a woman can't be?
Agreed, there is a lot of sexism against women, but i feel as though there is also some against men that is disregarded.
smallemochick said:
not wanting your partner(s) to have the passwords to all your social media accounts
arturobear added:
It's just weird. My husband and I sometimes leave things open on shared devices and each of us, just respectfully logs out and logs in with our own credentials. We don't open each other's mail either.
There's a basic level of respect and trust you need to have in a relationship. If you feel the need to snoop, there's a lot more going on and the relationship has probably been on the rocks for a while. There are more mature ways to handle it - like being open with your feelings and having a frank conversation.
For me forcing other people to give you their passwords is a huge red flag AND a dealbreaker. I don't have anything to hide BUT I have conversations with people other than my partner where those people talk about their private matters, problems... in general, things which my partner shouldn't know because these secrets weren't entrusted him but for me. Also, there are some things I feel more comfortable talking with my friends or siblings than with my partner. Wanting unlimited access to someone's social medias is just childish and a sign of insecurity.
Girls with stuffed animals. It’s just comfort and habit. Not that deep.
Edit: I’m so glad so many others of all identities agree. Its so okay to enjoy comforting items at any age. So happy to see it. You deserve to find joy and comfort in the simple things.
living with family, in this day and age it’s just not feasible for everyone to have their own place.
Houses are so expensive to buy and to rent in Canada and it's so hard for a young adult to be able to afford to move out. I blame the greedy second/third home buyers which boosted the sale prices of homes, and now rent out at exuberant prices having the renter pay their mortgage, or have made them into those air bnb things. For young families, and many other families, the struggle is real.
Not wanting a relationship, or not wanting certain things in a relationship (sex included).
Not everyone wants the same things and not everyone likes the same things.
Understanding that not all criminals are bad people.
Sometimes I try to explain to people that maybe some criminals did what they did because of their circumstances and their weird understanding of how the world works. That does not necessarily make them a bad person.
I am met with such harsh criticism for this statement, like I'm the criminal here. I just "understand" them, I don't commit crimes like them.
At this point I've stopped explaining this to anyone I know without being anymomous.
I've been in prison. I committed a crime, and I deserved to be there. While I was there, I got therapy I desperately needed. Prison was a huge wakeup call, and I knew I had to change. It was very difficult, with a ton of soul-searching. Changing your life and making it stick is such hard work. There were times I thought I'd gone crazy; times I felt I didn't deserve to have any good in my life because I was such an evil person. Even after therapy, I haven't quit struggling. Even ten years later, there are times I'm so overwhelmed with guilt that I feel I deserve nothing but evil. I know I've changed. People who knew me throughout my prison years saw me change. People who knew me before, and know me now, tell me how much I've changed. It is possible. It's not easy, and many aren't able/willing to put in the work. For myself, I'm proud of how far I've come, and of the kind of woman I'm trying to become
Bloody well done! Honestly, you sound amazing. It's so difficult to see ourselves clearly, to not blame others for our mistakes - to make excuses. You've accepted and worked hard to change. You deserve to be proud. You keep on going forward 🤗
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I would have to say it depends on the crime that they commit. I don't think I can talk to a serial killer the same way as a guy who goes joy riding.
I'm a felon (it feels so weird to write that) from a crime I committed 15 years ago while I was high. Now, my job involves working with the sheriffs office to create treatment plans for all of the incarcerated women in my city. I've been clean and sober for 6 years. Recovery from addiction, criminality, and incarceration is possible!
Prison should be rehabilitation, not punishment. It's already punishment by its nature.
I agree. Given that the vast majority of inmates eventually rejoin society, surely it's in everyone's interest that they don't start breaking the law again the moment they get out.
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People land in prison for such a complex set of reasons. Someone growing up in a bad neighborhood and getting hooked on drugs, then going to jail and managing to turn their life around after is heck of a lot better than someone who's let's say embezzled money when they already were rich. Same with killers who had a strong reason (there was this woman here who killed her dad who had rāped her recently, no prison time for her actually, only psychiatric help) versus a serial killer who's doing it just for kicks
Recently I read about some guys in my country who stole a car and gave it back once they realized the car had a chair for disabled kids. It's a really, really poor country full of prejudice and jobs with high requirements poor people can't possibly meet. I 100% understand why someone would get into robberies out of desperation and I don't think that makes them bad. I've expressed before for family and friend if I wasn't incapable of social communication I'd be selling drugs already because no normal jobs want someone who can't speak but neither do criminals.
There's a huge difference in someone stealing food to feed their family and someone who robs a bank. Greed maybe?
The huge difference is that the person who steals food for their family goes to prison for a decade, while the Directors who steal millions, exploit employees, and ruin the environment fly to vacation on their private jets. If you are orange and steal national secrets, as well as pulling in millions in dirty money, why that just proves you are a man of god.
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Agreed. They may have just had a bad moment, and really regret it and have changed.
THIS NEEDS to be higher!!!!!! If you really understand the world you will realize that we are ALL capable of being and doing ANYTHING given the right circumstances! If you were abused and locked in a cupboard for most of your life, would you be able to live a normal life?!?!? Understanding a persons past can go very far in fixing their future!
My husband is a felon. It's important to not judge others for the mistakes they've made in the past. It's how they behave now that's important. If they didn't learn from their mistakes, and are still engaging in that behavior, yes it's a red flag. If they've learned and become a better person, that's a good thing. It's also important to understand that being in a relationship with a person with a criminal history can have financial and other implications, that should be taken into consideration like any other issue. And of course it depends on the severity of the crime. Sorry, pedophilia, rape or serial murder are all deal breakers. (Mine had a series of DUI's when he was much younger and going through a bad patch that racked up fast enough that they qualified as a felony. Now I can't buy a gun to keep in the house, which is annoying.)
The general attitude that 'once you do a bad thing there is nothing you can do to deserve life ever again' is so F$%*&d, honestly. We treat people who don't even commit crimes like criminals too! I've witnessed and been treated like a criminal for: being poor, being homeless, being disabled, being queer, *being the victim of a crime*, or asking for help! It's $%*(&ing stupid.
... and treating farthers as pedofiles when they show just a minor amount of affection for their children should be added to that list.
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What is criminal is the US judicial system, poverty, and a judgmental society. Many crimes are committed due to a lack of resources, not because the person is a bad seed. And once the term is over, finding a job or housing is nearly impossible because society has deemed you unfit, untrustworthy. This leads to recidivism.
We can absolutely explain and seek to understand behaviour without excusing it. I always tell my child that most people are not bad but sometimes people make bad choices and explain why that might be in age appropriate terms. Some people are genuinely evil, but many are dealt a bad hand and some don’t have the capacity to understand their choices. We’re all one bad day away from becoming a criminal, this could happen to anyone if circumstances forced our hands.
And no one wants to believe or accept that people who are from their community or who are like them could be capable of terrible things. People where I am are always trying to blame the increase in crime on 'those people from Chicago' who have moved here. This is demonstrably false and just another racist trope
Everyone makes mistakes in life, but that doesn't mean they have to pay for them the rest of their life. Sometimes good people make bad choices. It doesn't mean they are bad. It means they are human.
I have written to prisoners for 11 years now. Some are not good people and should be where they are, however, I wrote to a man that was in prison for attempted murder for life because he beat up the man who actually beat his son to death. I know he shouldn't have done it but i can't say I wouldn't strike out if put in the same position. His son was only 4. --The reason I don't write to him anymore is because he passed away from untreated hypertension. The prison refused him the medication he needed and he had a massive stroke.
Was this in the US? Because the prison system in the US is a f*****g disgrace.
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Depends on the crime, I guess. A single mother shoplifting just to feed her kids because she's desperate I can totally understand. Breaking into your neighbors house to support your meth habit - not so much.
I've known plenty of white collar cookie cutter dudes who were TERRIBLE people.
Someone who steals food to feed a starving family is not a bad person .its just a desperate act in a desperate time.
This is such a shame that you have to keep your beliefs and opinions to yourself because of fear of being shamed. This Country now has freedom of speach. This is what makes us so great. Say what you feel and if someone rejects your opinion then they were never worth talking to.
Having been in recovery for almost a decade, I've met a lot of guys who did time. One of the kindest guys I met was arrested with tonnes (TONNES) of Dynamite buried under his bedroom. He did his time, and now he's a pillar of his community (and a frickin racecar driver). Regularly volunteers his time to help other addicts out, and works full time as a forklift mechanic.
"A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns." - Mario Puzo, "The Godfather"
I would consider my partner demanding my passwords a huuuuge red flag
Not wanting to spend every minute of every living day w your SO🙄
So relationships are implied but not explicitly specified. So I am going to expand this to employment.
Gaps in employment being seen as a red flag in a resume.
The amount of women I know that take it as a red flag that a guy doesn't pay for all dates/buy them things. I'm proud of what I have done with my life and that I can go do those things myself, I like a guy that treats me as an equal. That is not a red flag at all to me
Agreed, the man should not always have to pay. Both genders should pay 50/50. Its just common sense.
Having an incompatible zodiac sign does not justify treating someone like a red flag. Please stop this madness....
Not answering the phone or the door just because someone is calling or knocking. Once upon a time if you couldn’t get a hold of your friend or family member right away you assumed they were already busy doing something and you found something else to do. If it was of actual importance you would leave a BRIEF message describing why you called.
Now if I don’t jump up off the toilet just to see who is knocking on my front door or calling my landline (I have bad cell reception where I live) without texting first people act like I’m dead or I’m being an a*****e. It’s so easy to text first that if you refuse to do it, I find *that* a red flag.
Not wanting drama. It doesn't mean I cause drama, I've lived with drama and I truly won't put up with it, life is too short.
TruthProfessional340 said:
Going to therapy
DetectiveBennett added:
Considering less than just two generations ago it wasn’t just a red flag but considered as admission of being really damaged, I don’t think society has accepted that it’s actually a good thing just yet. Boomers definitely used to think going to therapy/being in the “looney bin” was sign they were a bad person and I don’t think they’ve really seen the light on that yet. Hopefully our generations will completely break through these prejudices.
Wanting and expecting your privacy to stay intact. I don't want my partner having my computer/phone passwords and I sure as hell don't want him snooping through my phone. I'm not hiding anything, but I am entitled to my privacy, and so is my partner.
Yes. I'm an extremely private person. I have nothing to hide but my business is my business
Not going to college
I plan to go personally but some people dont. I've been raised to believe people who go to college have their life together or are smarter than the average person. I've learned pretty quickly that people who don't go to college aren't stupid or anything. Some just have a different life path or can't afford it or found a job or buisness that works out better than any colleges opportunities would've given.
College doesn't define a person's worth. It's just an expensive tool to get some people where they want to be.
Agreed, in the past years i have reconsidered if college is even worth it, with how much debt it puts you into.
Not posting pictures with friends on your dating profile. Some people assume you’re anti-social and not pleasant to be around, but I choose not to because I feel weird to post pictures of other people than myself.
I would think it's weird to post pics of your friends... it's a dating site, why would one ever post anyone other than just themselves.
Being quiet.
Everyone thinks I’m autistic or a nerd or something. I have no f*****g clue. I kind of shut up about it because I don’t care and I’m not there to try and prove to anyone anything or tell them they are wrong. It’s actually a good filter for me actually. But every one that works with me, or has to be around me for a long enough time, over time, realizes I’m a pretty cool dude and like to do fun s**t.
Someone even told me, “ya know mathaiser, I thought you were a huge dork but you’re actually pretty cool.”
So, what red flag is that? Being kinda quiet/shy. Just because I’m not pressing whatever advantage or peacocking there is, kinda adds to my quality imo. But I don’t think about it like that either. Just trying to explain it.
Could not agree more. I see that trend on tiktok and other social media that's like, "when the quiet kid gets insulted", and basically its always just the quiet kid getting stereotyped into being violent/ weird.
Setting personal boundaries.
I'm not a cuddler but that doesn't mean I don't want you near me. People don't get that.
AngelsOfWar01 said:
Being weird in an innocent way. Like society shuns anyone who thinks outside a set of parameters. When really its just a different way to view the world.
Thrillhouse-14 replied:
Agree. I also don't know why everyone feels the need to try and diagnose weirdness as autistic or ADHD or whatever, too. Why does there need to be an excuse for it? And why would a literal disability be the only thing to absolve that? People need to stop trying to railroad others just because they don't understand them. Some people are just built differently. They don't have to understand it, they just have to respect it.
I happen to yell 'SLAYER!' really loud every.single.time, someone says the word or I talk about the band....yes, people look and think I'm crazy.... I do love Slayer...and it is Slayer, soooooo....but I'm a grandma now so maybe its not acceptable anymore 🤣🤣 🤣. SLAYER! 🤘
Not owning a car. Idk how that's a red flag for some people, but personally I think public transport is superior
It depends on the area. Where I live, there is some public transportation, but it's infrequent. It would take 3 hours to get somewhere by bus that I can drive to in 20 minutes. So, yeah, not having a car where I live would be weird. When I lived in a big city, I didn't even own a car.
Jealousy. It’s a human emotion. Feeling jealousy isn’t a red flag. Now, punching the wall, or taking that feeling of jealousy out on a person IS a red flag.
Not having any prior sexual or relationship experience
You've got to start somewhere....but I see how this could be a red flag. Talk to each other on the phone, voice to voice. Ask questions - it won't take but a few questions to figure this out. You can't hide crazy!
Being “clingy”. Now ACTUALLY being clingy and overstepping boundaries IS a red flag. But these days a lot of things that are perceived as clingy are just people showing genuine interest as opposed to trying to “play it cool.” Just my opinion though.
The red flag about no friends or being a loner etc bugs me especially at Christmas. Every TV advert shows Christmas with friends and family, being the life and soul of the party and no one says it is OK to be alone (not lonely) at Christmas.
I stopped celebrating christmas YEARS ago, but every year still, without failure, someone says I can come over to theirs. I appreciate the concern, but I WANT to be alone that day, making myself some good food. I work in retail, so I have long-a$$ days in December, plus working until the evening before. I NEED and CRAVE those 3 days off to myself.
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The people who think These are red flags seam to be very insecure or full of red flags themselves
Agreed. And some of them also transpired some moral superiority which might be the red flag for me.
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My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. No, we're not in trouble, we have different schedules and he has sleep apnea. He likes the TV on all night, I sleep with white noise that makes him have to pee. We do different things when we're tired but have the most fun together otherwise. It's been awesome 😁
If we live in a world where not wanting to do something insignificant immediately, being linked to the internet 24/7 or (worse) wanting to play with your children are deemed to be red flags then I really think it's those who THINK this way that are the issue...
The red flag about no friends or being a loner etc bugs me especially at Christmas. Every TV advert shows Christmas with friends and family, being the life and soul of the party and no one says it is OK to be alone (not lonely) at Christmas.
I stopped celebrating christmas YEARS ago, but every year still, without failure, someone says I can come over to theirs. I appreciate the concern, but I WANT to be alone that day, making myself some good food. I work in retail, so I have long-a$$ days in December, plus working until the evening before. I NEED and CRAVE those 3 days off to myself.
Load More Replies... The people who think These are red flags seam to be very insecure or full of red flags themselves
Agreed. And some of them also transpired some moral superiority which might be the red flag for me.
Load More Replies... My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. No, we're not in trouble, we have different schedules and he has sleep apnea. He likes the TV on all night, I sleep with white noise that makes him have to pee. We do different things when we're tired but have the most fun together otherwise. It's been awesome 😁
If we live in a world where not wanting to do something insignificant immediately, being linked to the internet 24/7 or (worse) wanting to play with your children are deemed to be red flags then I really think it's those who THINK this way that are the issue...
