Father Embarrassed After His Kid “Announces” To The Whole Family That They’ve Been Paying Their Own College Tuition Themselves
You often hear strict parents excuse their decisions by saying they know what’s best for their children and that they are doing everything from a place of love. However, the person who should feel that love, in reality, feels like they are not allowed to do anything and are forced to live a life they didn’t sign up for.
There are numerous stories of when children escape such families when they grow up and they are left with psychological trauma, or they just get loose of the chain and don’t achieve anything in life. Reddit user yeasothat shared their story of a controlling father who was very strict about grades and when he found out his child would be paying for their own education, he didn’t want to hear any of it.
More info: Reddit
Reddit user yeasothat told their extended family that it wasn’t their dad who was paying for their college tuition and that led to the dad getting very mad about it
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) said that their aunt and uncle are paying for their cousin’s college and that doesn’t seem anything out of the ordinary as parents often help their children financially, especially when they are still at the beginning of their adult lives.
However, that is not how yeasothat wanted things to go in their family, even though they already have a college fund and wouldn’t need to worry about it too much.
Image credits: yeasothat
The college fund is already set up, but the OP felt that they were controlled by their dad all their life and didn’t want that to continue in college as well
Image credits: yeasothat
The problem lies in what that money would mean for the OP. They tell us a little bit about their dad so that we’ll understand where this repulsion towards the dad’s money comes from.
Turns out, the dad was quite strict all the time when OP was in middle school and high school. Anything lower than a B for a subject was unacceptable, the dad would approve the classes his child would take and they would have weekly meetings to discuss grades. To add to all this, yeasothat describes their father as having a temper, so that meant the OP would get screamed at and grounded quite often if the requirements didn’t meet the dad’s expectations.
Image credits: yeasothat
The OP felt that if they paid for themselves, they wouldn’t need to be as stressed about their grades and being yelled at
Image credits: yeasothat
Because the OP felt all this pressure, they decided they wouldn’t accept the money in the college fund as they didn’t want be always thinking about whether they would be yelled at for not performing the best and because they had a suspicion that it wouldn’t just mean being yelled at, but knowing their father, yeasothat thought their dad would refuse to pay anyway.
It seems that the extended family didn’t know about the situation and when the topic came up, the truth surfaced
Image credits: yeasothat
The OP just finished their first year of college and it seems that this topic wasn’t discussed with the extended family because when the costs of tuition did come up, their uncle asked the dad what the tuition cost.
The OP immediately interfered to prevent their dad from telling any lies he would come up with and said that the dad is not the one to be asked as he is not paying for it.
Turns out, the dad didn’t want everybody to know that their child is refusing money and scolded his child for embarrassing him
Image credits: yeasothat
What yeasothat said was the truth and they actually can be proud that they are able to get an education completely on their own. However, the dad had other thoughts and was really mad at his child for saying that to the family as it was embarrassing to him.
The OP answered some questions in the comments and the dad is convinced that the student is making the biggest mistake of their life. But what do you think of this story? Why do you think the dad was embarrassed that his child just wants to be independent and not controlled when they are all grown up? Tell us your reactions in the comments!
People on the internet say that they understand OP’s decision and feel like they didn’t do anything wrong just told the uncle everything as it was
177Kviews
Share on Facebook
NTA. Sounds like your dad has some control issues. You made the right decision to pay for your own tuition. i think it's great when parents take an interest in their child's education but your dad sounds a bit too over the top with it. Growing up is hard enough without the added pressure of a hovering parent. And there's nothing wrong in saying that you paid your own way through school. You did. He didn't. He needs to get over it. Well done for being independent.
He definitely sounds abusive. OP needs to eventually cut ties with him. He's toxic.
Load More Replies...
Toxic father. Get distance, at his age the toxicity won't change, you're his child so he'll feel he has the right to treat you any way he wants, even if it's abusive. You're already on your way to becoming your own well-adjusted man, keep going, despite your father's nonsense. Live well, it's the best revenge.
As an only child, I understand this OP my parents were very strict and told me I had go pre-med or I'd regret it...I had a partial scholarship which meant I'd have to work full time while going to school to pay off the rest of the cost...well I knew even then that's really hard to do and it wouldn't leave much if any time to study (I graduated in 1994 and the WWW was really just beginning to take off) and studying is essential if you're going to hold at least a 3.0 gpa to later get into medical school...I decided that's not what I wanted to do so I changed my major to nursing...my dad was so mad he didn't talk to me for a whole year because of it! We ended up reconciling but it still hurt. I hope he can some day have a better relationship with his father.
It's been so long since I heard it called the WWW, I had to think hard. I can't recall when it was dropped from URLs. Thanks for the memories. Glad your dad got over it. You be you.
Load More Replies... 
Wow, his dad pissed me off. LET ME GO OFF AT YOUR DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel so relieved that this person is paying his own way. I did the same thing, and worked all the way through school. It is the first step in doing the deep therapy of freeing yourself from a toxic parent. It is great to hear that the OP chose to take control for himself.
When I went to college, I got Pell grants and financial aid. The only time that my parents had to pay for my schooling was my last semester of college. I didn't have any more grant money, so my parents paid. All they expected was for me to do well and graduate. The dad is an a-hole, but the son should have waited for his dad to sound stupid and then say what he said. By doing what he did, he probably came off as a jerk as well.
I think the kid has some bitterness towards his father and said what he said, the way he said it, with a certain intention. That wasn't just, 'Oh, no I am paying for my classes." It was either said because he has a level of pride for paying his own way, or to specifically call out his dad about the issue. I am mixed on parents looking at their kid's grades in college. I paid for my own and never talk to my parents about college but my next door neighbor was a 'student' and she would sign up for classes every semester, have her parents pay for it, then drop the classes later on. She kept doing it because they paid for her apartment and expenses as long as she was in school. Feel like if a parent pays they have a right to know how things are going, but I think I would check in at the end of the semester and if they failed or kept changing majors I would stop paying for it. If you are failing or can't stick with a major then drop out for gods sake, too expensive for that.
I was wondering what the dad would have said had he had a chance to speak first. Would he have said his son is paying for it himself and he is proud of him? I understand if parents are paying they should have some say in class load for finances and be aware of grades that are failing. But even all 4 years of high school I picked every class I took myself. Yes, most parents get more involved but it was best mine stayed out. Hopefully this son and father can move on and have a better relationship after college.
Load More Replies...
The strict parents I know pay for tuition as long as their child does well, but they don't get anywhere this controlling. One of them was pissed that her son was close to falling off the honour roll in high school and he wanted to attend a top university in another city. I told her to explain to him that tuition is an investment and he has to make it worthwhile. Cheap local community college if he slacks off. Some employers pay for courses and the same investment principle applies, whether it's conditional on passing the course or sharing what one learned or using it on the job.
Saving face, dad could have offered to pay half with no strings, but chose not to... Son is an adult, dad doesn't owe him anything, and vice versa. Weird that he hadn't thought in advance (this is after one year) about this question, like "how much is my kid getting into debt for?" seems absolute minimum basic interest.
Any decent parent would be bragging that their child had the gumption to pay their own way
Your Dad sucks. My Dad sometimes can't take it anymore, and sometimes this finds its way out in yelling ... but, as I get the situation we're in is a stressful one, I see why, and I know he never means any bad. Your Dad seems to mean bad, do bad, just ... like, he seems to be bad. OTOH, he'll grow old, he'll be broken more severe and more often, and likely, he'll ask for help - I hope you gat your requirements straight? Like, if Dad fails to eat up all his vegetables, that's it for today, no clean diaper then! I HATED feeling helpless and overpowered by teachers who were clearly in the wrong when I was in primary school ... and, tbh, it's nothing to be proud of, but paying back a little fraction of it felt great. Your Dad abused any power he had over you, and maybe he'll need this back a bit ... not in a way posing a serious threat to him, but letting this kind of people taste a bit of their own medicine may work true wonders on them - or just equally suck to them like it did to you.
Seriously, there are so many parents that would be bragging on their child for paying their own way and the independence they have learned as a result.... This hurts my heart as a parent.
It’s how I felt struggling through high school. the anxiety of not allowed to choose your own classes, (I wanted to study Spanish not French!) and studying late and with tutor and being told to repeat the class cause your grade wasn’t good enough. Not just grades but every money and gift given with some hidden agenda of you owe them. I Worked 30 hour weeks in early mornings to go to night school and graduated on my own terms!
I Meant to say for university I worked and paid my own way.
Load More Replies... 
Though I sympathize with OP and understand their decision…student loans will follow you for life and can be hell to pay off, emotionally, mentally, and financially draining. Depending on the cost of their tuition, they may have been better off putting up with toxic dad for 4 years and then writing him off.
Crazy, funny sort of thing happened to me. It’s definitely toxic behaviour. My father borrowed 1000 dollars from me and when he offered to return it, I asked him to just come to the furniture store and I would get a bedroom suite. I was 18 it was a big deal that I would have my own furniture and bedding that I picked out. When he paid he proceeded to say to the clerk, ‘she’s so lucky I’m so generous’ straight away I corrected him. He was not happy. He didn’t mean it as a joke either. He continued to reduce my effects into nothing. Even telling me ‘I’m nothing and always will be nothing’ I’m not stupid enough to believe him.
The oldest child paid his way, paid for his truck and insurance. Bragging rights are his,( however, I do too, as I'm proud of that accomplishment) When the child takes more ownership of their life, the learning of failures, as well as successes, are worth it in the long run. Some learning is not done in school or colledge. We, his parents, didn't waste money for classes he may have taken and didn't need because he changed his mind on what his career ended up being. I've heard tales of parents who paid for classes unnecessarily because their child switched majors. Also our parents didn't pay for our tutions either.
NTA. Your dad embarrassed himself by demanding control over his adult child's life and livelihood.
I swear, some of these stories get posted, just because people want to hear a crowd of people say "YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE, S/HE IS" in unison. There's not even the slightest suggestion that the OP suspects himself of being the asshole here.
So? Even if that is true (which in most cases it wouldn't be anyway), what's the problem with wanting some reassurance you're doing the right thing? This OP has been emotionally abused, he deserves some good responses.
Load More Replies...
Toxic and abusive father. OP would be better off to move the eff out and rent a room someplace and be independent and cut that toxic MF out of his life once and for all.
NTA at all. In fact, his father's the AH, and has been, all his life. And it sounds like OP has realized this. But his father has probably broken down his self-esteem so bad, that he(OP)'s been conditioned to question himself, and to think it's always his fault anyway. I hope this validation of his feelings helps him to grow stronger, and possibly to get away from his abusive father. It's ALWAYS okay to cut toxic people out of your life. Even blood relatives. Life's too short. And NO ONE has the right to treat you like sh!t. Not even-or maybe especially-your own family.
Your parents shouldn't be paying for college. I was horrified at how many college students looked at college as a chance to play without having to "follow rules." My advice is do not go to college right out of high school. Get a job, travel, do volunteer work, read, find out what you are interested in, kids out of high school do not have a clue as to what they want to do with the next forty or sixty years of their life. If you have to go to college, get a "liberal arts" degree. You will learn how to write, communicate, read, spell, and it will allow you to make a decision about what you really want. Then you can add classes to fulfill a choice. Liberal arts is a foundation.
Very true, communication skills are very important, but I don't think a liberal arts degree will get you much of a job.
Load More Replies...
My student loan debt is crying bitterly at you.
Load More Replies...
I get where this is coming from Leo. Maybe the son was a bit malicious. I have to say that the father is a controlling a$$hole though.
Load More Replies... NTA. Sounds like your dad has some control issues. You made the right decision to pay for your own tuition. i think it's great when parents take an interest in their child's education but your dad sounds a bit too over the top with it. Growing up is hard enough without the added pressure of a hovering parent. And there's nothing wrong in saying that you paid your own way through school. You did. He didn't. He needs to get over it. Well done for being independent.
He definitely sounds abusive. OP needs to eventually cut ties with him. He's toxic.
Load More Replies... Toxic father. Get distance, at his age the toxicity won't change, you're his child so he'll feel he has the right to treat you any way he wants, even if it's abusive. You're already on your way to becoming your own well-adjusted man, keep going, despite your father's nonsense. Live well, it's the best revenge.
As an only child, I understand this OP my parents were very strict and told me I had go pre-med or I'd regret it...I had a partial scholarship which meant I'd have to work full time while going to school to pay off the rest of the cost...well I knew even then that's really hard to do and it wouldn't leave much if any time to study (I graduated in 1994 and the WWW was really just beginning to take off) and studying is essential if you're going to hold at least a 3.0 gpa to later get into medical school...I decided that's not what I wanted to do so I changed my major to nursing...my dad was so mad he didn't talk to me for a whole year because of it! We ended up reconciling but it still hurt. I hope he can some day have a better relationship with his father.
It's been so long since I heard it called the WWW, I had to think hard. I can't recall when it was dropped from URLs. Thanks for the memories. Glad your dad got over it. You be you.
Load More Replies... Wow, his dad pissed me off. LET ME GO OFF AT YOUR DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel so relieved that this person is paying his own way. I did the same thing, and worked all the way through school. It is the first step in doing the deep therapy of freeing yourself from a toxic parent. It is great to hear that the OP chose to take control for himself.
When I went to college, I got Pell grants and financial aid. The only time that my parents had to pay for my schooling was my last semester of college. I didn't have any more grant money, so my parents paid. All they expected was for me to do well and graduate. The dad is an a-hole, but the son should have waited for his dad to sound stupid and then say what he said. By doing what he did, he probably came off as a jerk as well.
I think the kid has some bitterness towards his father and said what he said, the way he said it, with a certain intention. That wasn't just, 'Oh, no I am paying for my classes." It was either said because he has a level of pride for paying his own way, or to specifically call out his dad about the issue. I am mixed on parents looking at their kid's grades in college. I paid for my own and never talk to my parents about college but my next door neighbor was a 'student' and she would sign up for classes every semester, have her parents pay for it, then drop the classes later on. She kept doing it because they paid for her apartment and expenses as long as she was in school. Feel like if a parent pays they have a right to know how things are going, but I think I would check in at the end of the semester and if they failed or kept changing majors I would stop paying for it. If you are failing or can't stick with a major then drop out for gods sake, too expensive for that.
I was wondering what the dad would have said had he had a chance to speak first. Would he have said his son is paying for it himself and he is proud of him? I understand if parents are paying they should have some say in class load for finances and be aware of grades that are failing. But even all 4 years of high school I picked every class I took myself. Yes, most parents get more involved but it was best mine stayed out. Hopefully this son and father can move on and have a better relationship after college.
Load More Replies... The strict parents I know pay for tuition as long as their child does well, but they don't get anywhere this controlling. One of them was pissed that her son was close to falling off the honour roll in high school and he wanted to attend a top university in another city. I told her to explain to him that tuition is an investment and he has to make it worthwhile. Cheap local community college if he slacks off. Some employers pay for courses and the same investment principle applies, whether it's conditional on passing the course or sharing what one learned or using it on the job.
Saving face, dad could have offered to pay half with no strings, but chose not to... Son is an adult, dad doesn't owe him anything, and vice versa. Weird that he hadn't thought in advance (this is after one year) about this question, like "how much is my kid getting into debt for?" seems absolute minimum basic interest.
Any decent parent would be bragging that their child had the gumption to pay their own way
Your Dad sucks. My Dad sometimes can't take it anymore, and sometimes this finds its way out in yelling ... but, as I get the situation we're in is a stressful one, I see why, and I know he never means any bad. Your Dad seems to mean bad, do bad, just ... like, he seems to be bad. OTOH, he'll grow old, he'll be broken more severe and more often, and likely, he'll ask for help - I hope you gat your requirements straight? Like, if Dad fails to eat up all his vegetables, that's it for today, no clean diaper then! I HATED feeling helpless and overpowered by teachers who were clearly in the wrong when I was in primary school ... and, tbh, it's nothing to be proud of, but paying back a little fraction of it felt great. Your Dad abused any power he had over you, and maybe he'll need this back a bit ... not in a way posing a serious threat to him, but letting this kind of people taste a bit of their own medicine may work true wonders on them - or just equally suck to them like it did to you.
Seriously, there are so many parents that would be bragging on their child for paying their own way and the independence they have learned as a result.... This hurts my heart as a parent.
It’s how I felt struggling through high school. the anxiety of not allowed to choose your own classes, (I wanted to study Spanish not French!) and studying late and with tutor and being told to repeat the class cause your grade wasn’t good enough. Not just grades but every money and gift given with some hidden agenda of you owe them. I Worked 30 hour weeks in early mornings to go to night school and graduated on my own terms!
I Meant to say for university I worked and paid my own way.
Load More Replies... Though I sympathize with OP and understand their decision…student loans will follow you for life and can be hell to pay off, emotionally, mentally, and financially draining. Depending on the cost of their tuition, they may have been better off putting up with toxic dad for 4 years and then writing him off.
Crazy, funny sort of thing happened to me. It’s definitely toxic behaviour. My father borrowed 1000 dollars from me and when he offered to return it, I asked him to just come to the furniture store and I would get a bedroom suite. I was 18 it was a big deal that I would have my own furniture and bedding that I picked out. When he paid he proceeded to say to the clerk, ‘she’s so lucky I’m so generous’ straight away I corrected him. He was not happy. He didn’t mean it as a joke either. He continued to reduce my effects into nothing. Even telling me ‘I’m nothing and always will be nothing’ I’m not stupid enough to believe him.
The oldest child paid his way, paid for his truck and insurance. Bragging rights are his,( however, I do too, as I'm proud of that accomplishment) When the child takes more ownership of their life, the learning of failures, as well as successes, are worth it in the long run. Some learning is not done in school or colledge. We, his parents, didn't waste money for classes he may have taken and didn't need because he changed his mind on what his career ended up being. I've heard tales of parents who paid for classes unnecessarily because their child switched majors. Also our parents didn't pay for our tutions either.
NTA. Your dad embarrassed himself by demanding control over his adult child's life and livelihood.
I swear, some of these stories get posted, just because people want to hear a crowd of people say "YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE, S/HE IS" in unison. There's not even the slightest suggestion that the OP suspects himself of being the asshole here.
So? Even if that is true (which in most cases it wouldn't be anyway), what's the problem with wanting some reassurance you're doing the right thing? This OP has been emotionally abused, he deserves some good responses.
Load More Replies... Toxic and abusive father. OP would be better off to move the eff out and rent a room someplace and be independent and cut that toxic MF out of his life once and for all.
NTA at all. In fact, his father's the AH, and has been, all his life. And it sounds like OP has realized this. But his father has probably broken down his self-esteem so bad, that he(OP)'s been conditioned to question himself, and to think it's always his fault anyway. I hope this validation of his feelings helps him to grow stronger, and possibly to get away from his abusive father. It's ALWAYS okay to cut toxic people out of your life. Even blood relatives. Life's too short. And NO ONE has the right to treat you like sh!t. Not even-or maybe especially-your own family.
Your parents shouldn't be paying for college. I was horrified at how many college students looked at college as a chance to play without having to "follow rules." My advice is do not go to college right out of high school. Get a job, travel, do volunteer work, read, find out what you are interested in, kids out of high school do not have a clue as to what they want to do with the next forty or sixty years of their life. If you have to go to college, get a "liberal arts" degree. You will learn how to write, communicate, read, spell, and it will allow you to make a decision about what you really want. Then you can add classes to fulfill a choice. Liberal arts is a foundation.
Very true, communication skills are very important, but I don't think a liberal arts degree will get you much of a job.
Load More Replies... My student loan debt is crying bitterly at you.
Load More Replies... I get where this is coming from Leo. Maybe the son was a bit malicious. I have to say that the father is a controlling a$$hole though.
Load More Replies...
116
54