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Swimming in warm water in the summertime. Placing the final piece of a puzzle that’s taken you months to complete. ‘Roasting’ someone online with a comeback so witty and so savage, they had to call the ‘Oh Snap’ and fire brigades. All three things have one thing in common—they’re all human experiences that make us feel gooood.

The ‘Clever Comebacks’ subreddit is one of the best places on the net to go to for awesome retorts that will forever be enshrined on the internet in online screenshots. Check out some of the most on-point and hilarious comebacks they posted ever. Remember to upvote your fave ones and we hope they’ll inspire you to show off your wit the next time someone says something dumb or has a go at you.

Bored Panda was interested to learn about what makes comebacks witty and about comedic timing, so we reached out to comedy writer and author of 'How to Live to 100,' Ariane Sherine. Read on to learn what she told us. What’s the best comeback that you’ve ever said or heard in real life, dear Readers? Do you think that the pen is mightier than the sword? Share your thoughts with all of us in the comments.

#2

Never Underestimate A Woman

Never Underestimate A Woman

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Martha Meyer
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I bet this same guy thinks he's qualified to talk about abortion even though he can't give birth.

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#3

“Migrants Can’t Assimilate Into Society”

“Migrants Can’t Assimilate Into Society”

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Comedy writer Ariane told Bored Panda that, in her opinion, witty comebacks can be both spontaenous and planned out. "I've definitely come up with comebacks that are spontaneous. For instance, I told my daughter that if she didn't behave, I'd give her inheritance to a donkey sanctuary. She said, 'You wouldn't', and I came back, 'You bet your ass!' But though I hadn't used that comeback before, I clearly had knowledge of the pun and might have used something similar in the past."

She also pointed out something that honestly took me by surprise: "When it comes to stand-up, a lot of heckle putdowns are scripted and shared among comics." And here I thought that heckles were all instinctive and natural. I'll have to rethink some stuff about my fave comedians now.

#5

Idk If This Has Been Posted Before, But I Love His Little Smile

Idk If This Has Been Posted Before, But I Love His Little Smile

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Ariane said that the line between a regular comeback and one that makes us snort into our cups of tea is clear for everyone to see. "It needs to be very fast, well-timed, and take people by surprise as well as being clever, witty, and immediately understandable." So no pressure then!

The beauty of comedy, according to Ariane, is that (sometimes) our subconscious mind kicks in and takes us by surprise, along with the audience. "But that's relatively rare in my experience. I'm sure many other comics are more natural than I am!

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#9

Thank You Andy Wang!

Thank You Andy Wang!

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Truth Monster
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

cultural gatekeeping has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever seen. The best and most inclusive societies culturally appropriate all. the. time.

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The ‘Clever Comebacks’ community was founded in January 2018 and will be celebrating its 3-year anniversary very soon. In that time, they’ve amassed nearly 679k loyal members who are practicing the ancient art of the perfect comeback.

Personally, I think that comebacks are all about accurate, piercing, rapier-like wit. And the essence of wit is brevity, spontaneity, and stating the truth. It’s not a comeback if you spend an hour thinking about it and then another hour writing it out. Comebacks are the sniper rifles of the verbal battlefield. Not shotguns. Not machine guns. It’s all about one phrase—one roast.

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The BBC tends to agree with my point of view. According to Rhea Wessel, witty comebacks can’t be planned—they can only be made in the moment. And timing is everything. Even if you come up with the perfect thing you could’ve said while you’re in the shower a day later, that amazing comeback is useless now. Too little. Too late.

#12

British Museum

British Museum

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Vic
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3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People that feel British, aren't really British. They are, in fact, Bri-ish

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That’s actually the beauty of comebacks. Sometimes, you end up just as surprised by your wit as everyone else is. It’s like, for a single beautiful moment, the Spirit of Absolute Roasting possessed you and gave you glorious guidance. 

Abigail Paul, the artistic director at the Theatre Language Studio in Frankfurt, told the BBC that we can improve our wit by giving ourselves just a bit of extra time to craft a great answer. Strangely enough, that involves becoming a better listener. We need to train ourselves to listen to others and respond appropriately, instead of tuning out and only thinking about the points we want to make in the discussion. That way, you’ll be more than ready to mount a witty defense because you won’t be caught unaware.

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#20

They Also Don't Come In Exciting Anime

They Also Don't Come In Exciting Anime

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#22

Big Footprints To Fill

Big Footprints To Fill

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#25

Elite Finish

Elite Finish

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Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What kind of relationship is that. We don’t have his money or my money, it is OUR money.

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#26

Flameproofing? But My House Isn't On Fire!

Flameproofing? But My House Isn't On Fire!

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#27

Flat Earthers Make Me Happy Because I Know I'm Not A Complete Failure

Flat Earthers Make Me Happy Because I Know I'm Not A Complete Failure

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Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is this just a joke to tease flat earthers or do flat earthers actually use the “flat” horizon as their argument? Do they not realise that we can’t see the curve because the earth is so large.

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#28

Does This Count? The Author Actually Replied Back To Me Lmao

Does This Count? The Author Actually Replied Back To Me Lmao

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Jill
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I could say the same thing about Stewart's Calculus book as well. (For those of you not in the know, the physics book he mentioned is one of the most popular physics 101 books used at universities.)

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#29

That Last Line Though

That Last Line Though

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Wendillon
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So because the warning label on a bottle of bleach says not to drink it, are you just going to blindly follow it and not drink the bleach? What if it tastes really good??

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#31

They Did Not See This Coming

They Did Not See This Coming

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#32

Columbus Day

Columbus Day

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Truth Monster
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3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

End up in a random aisle and whatever you find there is now "Indian Food."

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#33

Austin Powers Would Be Proud Of That Comeback

Austin Powers Would Be Proud Of That Comeback

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#34

'im Tired Of Being Responsible For Something That Is Entirely My Resposibility.'

'im Tired Of Being Responsible For Something That Is Entirely My Resposibility.'

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Loretta
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What the f**k. Don't make kids if you're not up to it. It's literally that simple.

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Kiki Starflyer
Community Member
3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Children always come with a little joy and a little pain, I’m thankful my parents decided to bring my life into this world, I love them with all my heart.

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Nikki Sevven
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you think four months is a long time to care for children, please don't have children.

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Id row
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Wahhh! Why doesn't someone else take care of *our* kids?"

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Neva Nevičica
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a bad news for that guy: they will be the only ones responsible for much much more than 4 months.

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Sasha Kuleshov
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

4 months, dude, you're not gonna stand caring for them until they're 18 yo XD

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Downunderdude
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Umm, sorry to break this to you, but being a parent means you are responsible for your children. As in feeding them, protecting them, housing them, loving them. Oh, sorry - these are alien concepts for you?

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Leopoldo Pisanello
Community Member
3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's pretty cute. Me and my wife (well, TBH its actually mostly her) had been the only two people responsible for our two kids for the last 6 years.

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eezycheezes101
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

WHAT?! Since you've been responsible for them??? Who else is gonna be, your f*****g cat? You will always have a responsibility for them. "WHAT?! WE WILL?! OMG, KAREN WE ALWAYS HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR THEM!! WAS THIS YOUR DOING?!?!!?!?!?"

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BabaBizzle
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That’s why most people should not be parents. It’s YOUR responsibility for YOUR kids not anyone elders. So this idiot is complaining that him and his wife have been worn their kids for a mere four months and can’t handle it? I feel so sorry for the kids.

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Wolfstar
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is one of the many reasons why I will not have kids someday. They're little monsters (if you say otherwise I don't think you've properly met a child). Also, I'd like to live life without having to watch a kid. Imagine bringing a 5-year-old to orchestra rehearsal. Utter chaos.

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Hollysmom
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And just who did you think was going to be responsible for them when you made them?

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Hannah Burbridge
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

All children deserve a parent, but not all parents deserve children.

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Hayley Rodgers
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't get this attitude. YOU had kids, it's YOUR job to deal with them. I have 2 sons, getting a break is great but either it's a gift of time from a loved one or they get paid for their efforts. It is OUR job to care for OUR kids and no one else.

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Michał Jastrzębski
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

surprise surprise, that will be this guy's ilfe for the next, at least, 18 years.

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Karen Lyon
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OMG, exactly! I couldn't have any, and at first it was awful. Until I figured out that as auntie I can still enjoy the hell out of them without any of the responsibility. Side note though: just what did he think being a parent was like?

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Kim Bush
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is sad, and unfortunately explains a lot about the world today...

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Faith Hurst-Bilinski
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Who is supposed to be responsible for them? Little known fact: you are still responsible for them when schools are open.

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Tina Harbour
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How dare everyone who's not taking care of THEIR children so they can get a break??!!

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Luuta
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Four MONTHS? Someone castrate them before they can f**k up any other children's lives.

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Sassy bookworm
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Whenever I say that I don't plan on having kids, I get shamed and told this way I'll have many kids(Idk as a punishment from god or something.) And it's just so draining, I've started pretending to agree and say I might have kids just for them to shut up.

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Marnie
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Listen, my "baby" is 31 now, so I have no dog in this current fight. I don't support this guy's particular message, but I do disagree with people thinking he has NO right to be stressed, and that he chose to have kids, so no right to be upset. He had kids under the assumption that they would be attending school during the day. Parents have expected this for over 100 years. I personally think school is altogether horrible for the mental health of children, but there we are. When you and your spouse are both working, and now the children are doing remote learning, it IS huge change. And MANY more women than men have QUIT their jobs to help their kids with school (increasing the wage gap even when they return to work). Imagine being a single parent? You'd have to quit your job and being unemployed, or make your 9you stay home alone all day and hope they actually do what they are supposed to in remote learning. People DO plan their lives around the current culture.

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Camil Gagnon
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Their kids reading this later when they learn to. Pathetic excuse for parents.

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Notorious DBT
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To be fair to this guy, not one single person signed up to parent 24 hours a day during a pandemic. We didn't expect to have to crisis school, stay home every single day, not be able to see friends and family, not be able to go anywhere, really. Many of us also have help from our family and now we can't because we might kill our parents.

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BERCH PAPIKYAN
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Until you are dying as an old and lonely patient in the hospice.

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Jon S.
Community Member
3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You'd think. But my dad had 5 kids, and he still died lonely in a hospice. Kids are no guarantee of security.

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pusheen buttercup
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I felt like being snarky to this may be a little harsh. You say things when you're sleep deprived and a new parent. I feel like they should get a little pass.

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Shaista
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

well if they dont look after the children who will? they decided to have children, so its now their responsibility to look after them. If you dont want to deal with annoying kids, don't have them.

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#35

I Love Puns

I Love Puns

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Losferatu
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Let's play a game: Spell the type of establishment we're eating at, and I'll buy you your meal!

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#36

Who’ll Email You When You Block Him

Who’ll Email You When You Block Him

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#37

Can't Get Any More Clever Than This

Can't Get Any More Clever Than This

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Kirsten Kerkhof
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I will never have the guts to send a reply like that, but by Golly, I wish I would ...

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#38

Invasive Species

Invasive Species

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#43

Depends On Who Writes The Comic

Depends On Who Writes The Comic

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#44

Boomer vs. Millenial

Boomer vs. Millenial

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#46

She Isn’t A Walking Womb

She Isn’t A Walking Womb

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Lauren Caswell
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

F**k this molyneux d**k. He was banned from speaking here (new zealand) in 2018 I think, the brainless monstrous mosque shooter donated to his causes and his petition to be allowed to do his stupid speaking event in NZ. Then murdered the innocent souls in cold blood at one of our mosques. So that's the kind of person who supports this fuckwad. No thanks. (NB not meaning to mislead, I'm personally agnostic, but say "our mosques" just as I would say "our churches/synagogues/temples/etc". A kiwi is a kiwi. A person is a person.)

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#47

Weird Motives

Weird Motives

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wandile dludlu
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wonder if the so called "1st world" countries know that here in the 3rd world, we drive both and are required to pass your driving test using a stick shift

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#48

Especially Clever

Especially Clever

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Vikram Bedi
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If everyone starts using the toilet marked “ me” then “ everyone else “ would be left clean...

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#49

Facebook Comeback

Facebook Comeback

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Helen Haley
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The waiter is providing a valuable service with very little likelihood of customer death.

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#50

Quite Funny To Be Honest

Quite Funny To Be Honest

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Katchen
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

WTAF. They ask teens about guns when school shootings plague the country, but are offended by the nail gun joke?

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