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Swimming in warm water in the summertime. Placing the final piece of a puzzle that’s taken you months to complete. ‘Roasting’ someone online with a comeback so witty and so savage, they had to call the ‘Oh Snap’ and fire brigades. All three things have one thing in common—they’re all human experiences that make us feel gooood.

The ‘Clever Comebacks’ subreddit is one of the best places on the net to go to for awesome retorts that will forever be enshrined on the internet in online screenshots. Check out some of the most on-point and hilarious comebacks they posted ever. Remember to upvote your fave ones and we hope they’ll inspire you to show off your wit the next time someone says something dumb or has a go at you.

Bored Panda was interested to learn about what makes comebacks witty and about comedic timing, so we reached out to comedy writer and author of 'How to Live to 100,' Ariane Sherine. Read on to learn what she told us. What’s the best comeback that you’ve ever said or heard in real life, dear Readers? Do you think that the pen is mightier than the sword? Share your thoughts with all of us in the comments.

#2

Never Underestimate A Woman

Never Underestimate A Woman

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Martha Meyer
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I bet this same guy thinks he's qualified to talk about abortion even though he can't give birth.

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Sophia Graubart
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have seen this before on bored panda, and personally i liked a comment that said "men, you can't give birth, sit down when abortions are discussed". I think Foxxy (the original) said it

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Louloubelle
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh, pooh. I think you're right. I knew I heard it here. She's very clever.

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Si
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

More civilians than soldiers get killed in wars. By soldiers. Women have something to say about that.

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Katie Gardner
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We can’t be drafted but we still voluntarily sign up. I’m a female vet.

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Louloubelle
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men you can't have babies. Now sit down and shut up when abortion is discussed.

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Frank Ropen
Community Member
3 years ago

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Bad response. Those who are in the military voluntarily should not be allowed to talk about war that those forced into war have to fight.

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Leo Domitrix
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, leave women out of war discussions. We just die in them. No concern of ours. *loads shotgun*

idrow avatar
Id row
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I feel an uncontrollable urge to crotch punch that old, bigoted dinosaur.

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Frank Ropen
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He doesn't say women must not be soldiers, but should be drafted too. Gender equality

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Jill
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I dont want to be too political here, but couldnt we say the same thing about a woman's right to choose?

si-michelson avatar
Si
Community Member
3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No. The person who has the final say over what medical procedures are or are not done to their body is the person who owns it. only exception is if the person is incapable of giving medical consent. It’s not a debate, it’s a fundamental human right.

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David Roughton
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wait a second! The U.S. Military no longer HAS the Draft, so neither can you. SO, SIT DOWN & SHUT UP❗❗❗🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

fropen avatar
Frank Ropen
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The draft is officially known as the Selective Service. The Selective Service is a government bureau apart from the Department of Defense whose mission statement is: "To register men and maintain a system that, when authorized by the President and Congress, rapidly provides personnel in a fair and equitable manner while managing an alternative service program for conscientious objectors." Basically, this means that if we ever have a national emergency or war that the all-volunteer military cannot adequately support, Congress and the president can reinstate the draft and force male citizens to serve in the military.

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René Kok
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Here in de the Netherlands we don't have draf for over 20 years. Yet they recently changed it so man and women will be drafted if nesseary.

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Steve Cruz
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Men, you can't get pregnant. Sit down when abortion is discussed."

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Nina Hill
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Love, love, love this. Like hell women can't think deeply and wisely for themselves, enough to contribute to the society that can AVOID wars and harbor PEACE, or at the very least, RESPECT and DIGNITY. Would this a**e say something so full of strife to his own mother? She's lucky she had a man to help with all that baby-making, child-producing, raising and rearing of this foolish misogynist. Someone forgot they needed that breast to nurse and thereby SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD. He's lucky she didn't turn his life into an act of war and abort him before he ever made his way out to express such ignorance #prolife #beingyourmothermusthavebeendifficult

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Daniel (ShadowDrakken)
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Also, women can voluntarily register for the same elective service that men are forced to register for. Which is basically pointless because the draft has been more or less abolished anyway.

fropen avatar
Frank Ropen
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Basically, this means that if we ever have a national emergency or war that the all-volunteer military cannot adequately support, Congress and the president can reinstate the draft and force male citizens to serve in the military.

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Fentoozler
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men have to be forced into the military. Women volunteer freely

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Katherine Boag
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The draft has been replaced by poverty. That racist, sexist dickhead will never be drafted, so he should also STFU

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over it already
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Didn't even know this lady (nope, this Colonel) existed until a few minutes ago, and already she's one of my favorite people!

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A Nerd For Thought
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

also don't men always die in war and their wives get their money.... go ahead i'll be here with your money and home.

fropen avatar
Frank Ropen
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Let me make a silmilar statement: Rich people. You can't be drafted. Sit down when war is discussed.

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Luuta
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Brilliant! Someone needs to point out to this excuse of a man that without women, there would be no babies to grow into men to be drafted. One could also easily point out warriors like Joan of Arc.

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Christopher Lee
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men can't get pregnant so perhaps they should sit the hell down and shut the f**k up when a woman's right to choose is being discussed.

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BiLal Asif
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Isn't sexist to tell your tale in a way to disparage other gender? #feminist #feminism

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Black Panther
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Go ladies and stuff 👍🏾👍🏾✊🏾✊🏾👏🏾👏🏾♀️I'm not a feminist or anything but yeah.

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Kostas
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In 2003, General Jay Garner, the director of the Office for Reconstruction and Humanitarian Assistance, selected Olson to be his executive officer in helping to rebuild Iraq after Operation Iraqi Freedom.[6] Three months into the role, Garner was replaced by Paul Bremer, and the Department of Defense charged Olson with providing improper assistance to a private security firm from South Africa. Though she denies the allegations, Olson accepted a non-judicial punishment rather than face a potential court martial by pleading guilty to administrative violations and accepting a written reprimand. She was allowed to retire with an honorable discharge without a reduction in rank,[6][7] which she received in May 2005.[6][8]

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Gin Marie
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The DoD at the time was also punishing rape victims instead of rapists by going after victims if they were accused of anything questionable, often by the rapists. Under Bush, the DoD was flooded with religious righties, who also forced gays out of the military for being gay.

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cursed--alien
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think that nobody should ever be drafted, regardless of gender. The draft violates people's autonomy.

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Rob Woodninja
Community Member
3 years ago

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Still can’t he drafted. And men shouldn’t speak on abortion. She shouldn’t be a colonel until the rest can be drafted equal rights right

truthmonster00 avatar
Truth Monster
Community Member
3 years ago

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Women should be registered for the draft. Feminism isn't feminism if its only feminism when convenient. We women want equality? Then take up the mantle of equal burden.

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Chich
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So if a draft comes back, be forced to join up rather than do it voluntarily? That is some how better? Playing the odds and hoping that your name isn't called? This woman and many more *wanted* to enlist and *did*.

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#3

“Migrants Can’t Assimilate Into Society”

“Migrants Can’t Assimilate Into Society”

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Comedy writer Ariane told Bored Panda that, in her opinion, witty comebacks can be both spontaenous and planned out. "I've definitely come up with comebacks that are spontaneous. For instance, I told my daughter that if she didn't behave, I'd give her inheritance to a donkey sanctuary. She said, 'You wouldn't', and I came back, 'You bet your ass!' But though I hadn't used that comeback before, I clearly had knowledge of the pun and might have used something similar in the past."

She also pointed out something that honestly took me by surprise: "When it comes to stand-up, a lot of heckle putdowns are scripted and shared among comics." And here I thought that heckles were all instinctive and natural. I'll have to rethink some stuff about my fave comedians now.

#5

Idk If This Has Been Posted Before, But I Love His Little Smile

Idk If This Has Been Posted Before, But I Love His Little Smile

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Ariane said that the line between a regular comeback and one that makes us snort into our cups of tea is clear for everyone to see. "It needs to be very fast, well-timed, and take people by surprise as well as being clever, witty, and immediately understandable." So no pressure then!

The beauty of comedy, according to Ariane, is that (sometimes) our subconscious mind kicks in and takes us by surprise, along with the audience. "But that's relatively rare in my experience. I'm sure many other comics are more natural than I am!

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#9

Thank You Andy Wang!

Thank You Andy Wang!

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Truth Monster
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

cultural gatekeeping has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever seen. The best and most inclusive societies culturally appropriate all. the. time.

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The ‘Clever Comebacks’ community was founded in January 2018 and will be celebrating its 3-year anniversary very soon. In that time, they’ve amassed nearly 679k loyal members who are practicing the ancient art of the perfect comeback.

Personally, I think that comebacks are all about accurate, piercing, rapier-like wit. And the essence of wit is brevity, spontaneity, and stating the truth. It’s not a comeback if you spend an hour thinking about it and then another hour writing it out. Comebacks are the sniper rifles of the verbal battlefield. Not shotguns. Not machine guns. It’s all about one phrase—one roast.

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The BBC tends to agree with my point of view. According to Rhea Wessel, witty comebacks can’t be planned—they can only be made in the moment. And timing is everything. Even if you come up with the perfect thing you could’ve said while you’re in the shower a day later, that amazing comeback is useless now. Too little. Too late.

#12

British Museum

British Museum

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Vic
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People that feel British, aren't really British. They are, in fact, Bri-ish

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That’s actually the beauty of comebacks. Sometimes, you end up just as surprised by your wit as everyone else is. It’s like, for a single beautiful moment, the Spirit of Absolute Roasting possessed you and gave you glorious guidance. 

Abigail Paul, the artistic director at the Theatre Language Studio in Frankfurt, told the BBC that we can improve our wit by giving ourselves just a bit of extra time to craft a great answer. Strangely enough, that involves becoming a better listener. We need to train ourselves to listen to others and respond appropriately, instead of tuning out and only thinking about the points we want to make in the discussion. That way, you’ll be more than ready to mount a witty defense because you won’t be caught unaware.

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#20

They Also Don't Come In Exciting Anime

They Also Don't Come In Exciting Anime

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#22

Big Footprints To Fill

Big Footprints To Fill

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#25

Elite Finish

Elite Finish

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Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What kind of relationship is that. We don’t have his money or my money, it is OUR money.

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#26

Flameproofing? But My House Isn't On Fire!

Flameproofing? But My House Isn't On Fire!

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#27

Flat Earthers Make Me Happy Because I Know I'm Not A Complete Failure

Flat Earthers Make Me Happy Because I Know I'm Not A Complete Failure

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Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is this just a joke to tease flat earthers or do flat earthers actually use the “flat” horizon as their argument? Do they not realise that we can’t see the curve because the earth is so large.

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#28

Does This Count? The Author Actually Replied Back To Me Lmao

Does This Count? The Author Actually Replied Back To Me Lmao

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Jill
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I could say the same thing about Stewart's Calculus book as well. (For those of you not in the know, the physics book he mentioned is one of the most popular physics 101 books used at universities.)

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#29

That Last Line Though

That Last Line Though

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Wendillon
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So because the warning label on a bottle of bleach says not to drink it, are you just going to blindly follow it and not drink the bleach? What if it tastes really good??

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#31

They Did Not See This Coming

They Did Not See This Coming

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#32

Columbus Day

Columbus Day

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Truth Monster
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

End up in a random aisle and whatever you find there is now "Indian Food."

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#33

Austin Powers Would Be Proud Of That Comeback

Austin Powers Would Be Proud Of That Comeback

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#34

'im Tired Of Being Responsible For Something That Is Entirely My Resposibility.'

'im Tired Of Being Responsible For Something That Is Entirely My Resposibility.'

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#35

I Love Puns

I Love Puns

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Losferatu
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Let's play a game: Spell the type of establishment we're eating at, and I'll buy you your meal!

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#36

Who’ll Email You When You Block Him

Who’ll Email You When You Block Him

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#37

Can't Get Any More Clever Than This

Can't Get Any More Clever Than This

KingMushroomIV Report

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Kirsten Kerkhof
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I will never have the guts to send a reply like that, but by Golly, I wish I would ...

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#38

Invasive Species

Invasive Species

MeesterNeusbaumTX Report

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#43

Depends On Who Writes The Comic

Depends On Who Writes The Comic

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#44

Boomer vs. Millenial

Boomer vs. Millenial

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#46

She Isn’t A Walking Womb

She Isn’t A Walking Womb

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Lauren Caswell
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

F**k this molyneux d**k. He was banned from speaking here (new zealand) in 2018 I think, the brainless monstrous mosque shooter donated to his causes and his petition to be allowed to do his stupid speaking event in NZ. Then murdered the innocent souls in cold blood at one of our mosques. So that's the kind of person who supports this fuckwad. No thanks. (NB not meaning to mislead, I'm personally agnostic, but say "our mosques" just as I would say "our churches/synagogues/temples/etc". A kiwi is a kiwi. A person is a person.)

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#47

Weird Motives

Weird Motives

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wandile dludlu
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wonder if the so called "1st world" countries know that here in the 3rd world, we drive both and are required to pass your driving test using a stick shift

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#48

Especially Clever

Especially Clever

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Vikram Bedi
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If everyone starts using the toilet marked “ me” then “ everyone else “ would be left clean...

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#49

Facebook Comeback

Facebook Comeback

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Helen Haley
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The waiter is providing a valuable service with very little likelihood of customer death.

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#50

Quite Funny To Be Honest

Quite Funny To Be Honest

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Katchen
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

WTAF. They ask teens about guns when school shootings plague the country, but are offended by the nail gun joke?

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Note: this post originally had 89 images. It’s been shortened to the top 50 images based on user votes.