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Swimming in warm water in the summertime. Placing the final piece of a puzzle that’s taken you months to complete. ‘Roasting’ someone online with a comeback so witty and so savage, they had to call the ‘Oh Snap’ and fire brigades. All three things have one thing in common—they’re all human experiences that make us feel gooood.

The ‘Clever Comebacks’ subreddit is one of the best places on the net to go to for awesome retorts that will forever be enshrined on the internet in online screenshots. Check out some of the most on-point and hilarious comebacks they posted ever. Remember to upvote your fave ones and we hope they’ll inspire you to show off your wit the next time someone says something dumb or has a go at you.

Bored Panda was interested to learn about what makes comebacks witty and about comedic timing, so we reached out to comedy writer and author of 'How to Live to 100,' Ariane Sherine. Read on to learn what she told us. What’s the best comeback that you’ve ever said or heard in real life, dear Readers? Do you think that the pen is mightier than the sword? Share your thoughts with all of us in the comments.

#2

Never Underestimate A Woman

Never Underestimate A Woman

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Martha Meyer
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3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I bet this same guy thinks he's qualified to talk about abortion even though he can't give birth.

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#3

“Migrants Can’t Assimilate Into Society”

“Migrants Can’t Assimilate Into Society”

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Comedy writer Ariane told Bored Panda that, in her opinion, witty comebacks can be both spontaenous and planned out. "I've definitely come up with comebacks that are spontaneous. For instance, I told my daughter that if she didn't behave, I'd give her inheritance to a donkey sanctuary. She said, 'You wouldn't', and I came back, 'You bet your ass!' But though I hadn't used that comeback before, I clearly had knowledge of the pun and might have used something similar in the past."

She also pointed out something that honestly took me by surprise: "When it comes to stand-up, a lot of heckle putdowns are scripted and shared among comics." And here I thought that heckles were all instinctive and natural. I'll have to rethink some stuff about my fave comedians now.

#5

Idk If This Has Been Posted Before, But I Love His Little Smile

Idk If This Has Been Posted Before, But I Love His Little Smile

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Ariane said that the line between a regular comeback and one that makes us snort into our cups of tea is clear for everyone to see. "It needs to be very fast, well-timed, and take people by surprise as well as being clever, witty, and immediately understandable." So no pressure then!

The beauty of comedy, according to Ariane, is that (sometimes) our subconscious mind kicks in and takes us by surprise, along with the audience. "But that's relatively rare in my experience. I'm sure many other comics are more natural than I am!

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#9

Thank You Andy Wang!

Thank You Andy Wang!

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Truth Monster
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3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

cultural gatekeeping has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever seen. The best and most inclusive societies culturally appropriate all. the. time.

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The ‘Clever Comebacks’ community was founded in January 2018 and will be celebrating its 3-year anniversary very soon. In that time, they’ve amassed nearly 679k loyal members who are practicing the ancient art of the perfect comeback.

Personally, I think that comebacks are all about accurate, piercing, rapier-like wit. And the essence of wit is brevity, spontaneity, and stating the truth. It’s not a comeback if you spend an hour thinking about it and then another hour writing it out. Comebacks are the sniper rifles of the verbal battlefield. Not shotguns. Not machine guns. It’s all about one phrase—one roast.

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The BBC tends to agree with my point of view. According to Rhea Wessel, witty comebacks can’t be planned—they can only be made in the moment. And timing is everything. Even if you come up with the perfect thing you could’ve said while you’re in the shower a day later, that amazing comeback is useless now. Too little. Too late.

#11

Illegal Plants

Illegal Plants

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Kirsten Kerkhof
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Adam and Eve. The first humans who did not read the Apple terms and conditions before agreeing.

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cursed--alien
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Actually, apples were not known to the original writers, so the fruit in its original text was probably not an apple, but a fig.

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Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oof, never thought about that before but it is true. And apparently we have been suffering the consequences for thousands of years after the fact. AND we had nothing to do with it. I thought God was meant to be fair and loving.

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Christian Bradshaw
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is just my opinion, but I'm actually not sure if the events in the Garden of Eden would have affected us either way. I mean, look at humanity now. It seems almost IMPOSSIBLE that someone along the line would have sinned anyways. Adam and Eve were just the first

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Nikki Sevven
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No. One of the first things God ever did was set Adam and Eve up to fail. Neither one was aware of the concepts of good and evil until AFTER they had eaten from the Tree. Yet God not only punished them, but also the entire human race until the end of time. Omnibenevolent, my ass.

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Minecraft Nube
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Look, we would sin no matter what, stealing, crimes, murder. God didnt "set" Adam and Eve to fail. They took the fruit even when God said not to. The Devil tempted them to do it. The human race would have sinned no matter what. We still sin now, everyday. So therefore we never deserve to stop being punished. Unless you can tell me that you have never sinned before????

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Steve Cruz
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just a reminder: The bible claims that WOMEN MENSTRUATE AND CHILDBIRTH IS PAINFUL because god cursed Eve. Who believes that BS?

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Rachel Arteiro
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not true, He made the plant first... then made it illegal. Good call though.

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Cheryl Fontaine
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And yet there are few people on God's earth who don't eat apples....including the pseudo-religious ones.

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Quazmodic
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One of his first mistakes, you mean. Which was followed up by a set of 10 rules/commandments to rectify other mistakes and design flaws in his number one creation (humans). He really should have outsourced for a competent designer and just had those commandments hard-wired in.

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Terd Fergison
Community Member
3 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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Kim Bush
Community Member
3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Resisting temptation was the first test, the fruit had nothing to do it, just the devil whispering in their ear

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Terd Fergison
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Let’s look at the bible logically. The bible claims god is a perfect being who is all-knowing, all-powerful, all good, is eternal (always existed) and has a divine plan. If god is a perfect being and is eternal (always existed), then he was perfectly happy & perfectly content for an infinite amount of time in the past. From there why create anything? Not logical. Doesn’t make sense. A perfect being becomes discontent & needs to create something, so creates the cosmos & he creates angels. At least one of those angels betrays him. If he’s all knowing with a divine plan, how did he not see this coming an infinity away? Then he creates Eve & Eve betrays him. How did he not see this coming an infinity away? Then sin and evil take over the world. Why not stop evil? He’s all-powerful. He floods a world, saying that it will stop evil. But, it doesn’t. Buffoonish. Laughably incompetent. It’s a comedy of errors. Then we’re to think he gets things right with jesus? Evil still exists.

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arjelio mas
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Then we should call all the plants God called illegal, illegal. Otherwise, we should defer to His wisdom in not calling the others illegal.

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Alex Hamilton
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Did he have anything to do with the creation of apple pies like Mamma used to make?

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Mya Lugar
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How to we teach the difference between good and evil if there is no evil. We have to learn discernment and for the most part generalizations aren't valid forms of knowledge to build the future on. That is why drugs are not made available for public use until the effects are studied for a long time.

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Truth Monster
Community Member
3 years ago

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Tree of Knowledge was no ordinary plant. It represents our ability to know what is right and to choose the right path or the wrong one. The tree gave us the ability to know what is right. Before that point, religiously speaking, humans could not sin. Once we learned how to sin, we were cast out of the Garden, and God's presence, as we cannot be in God's presence with sin. That is why sinners go to hell, is that their sin keeps them from the presence of God (which is everything good). Of course, we are all sinners, so unless you employ a mitigating religious factor, pack for a warm afterlife.

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JessG
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I refuse to believe that God would send anyone to hell, in fact, I refuse to believe hell exists at all. If anything, we create our own hell, and judge ourselves. “Sin” is a man-made construct, so is the Bible. So I’ll be packing for a loving afterlife.

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#12

British Museum

British Museum

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Vic
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People that feel British, aren't really British. They are, in fact, Bri-ish

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That’s actually the beauty of comebacks. Sometimes, you end up just as surprised by your wit as everyone else is. It’s like, for a single beautiful moment, the Spirit of Absolute Roasting possessed you and gave you glorious guidance. 

Abigail Paul, the artistic director at the Theatre Language Studio in Frankfurt, told the BBC that we can improve our wit by giving ourselves just a bit of extra time to craft a great answer. Strangely enough, that involves becoming a better listener. We need to train ourselves to listen to others and respond appropriately, instead of tuning out and only thinking about the points we want to make in the discussion. That way, you’ll be more than ready to mount a witty defense because you won’t be caught unaware.

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#20

They Also Don't Come In Exciting Anime

They Also Don't Come In Exciting Anime

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#22

Big Footprints To Fill

Big Footprints To Fill

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#25

Elite Finish

Elite Finish

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Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What kind of relationship is that. We don’t have his money or my money, it is OUR money.

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#26

Flameproofing? But My House Isn't On Fire!

Flameproofing? But My House Isn't On Fire!

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#27

Flat Earthers Make Me Happy Because I Know I'm Not A Complete Failure

Flat Earthers Make Me Happy Because I Know I'm Not A Complete Failure

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Foxxy (The Original)
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is this just a joke to tease flat earthers or do flat earthers actually use the “flat” horizon as their argument? Do they not realise that we can’t see the curve because the earth is so large.

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#28

Does This Count? The Author Actually Replied Back To Me Lmao

Does This Count? The Author Actually Replied Back To Me Lmao

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Jill
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I could say the same thing about Stewart's Calculus book as well. (For those of you not in the know, the physics book he mentioned is one of the most popular physics 101 books used at universities.)

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#29

That Last Line Though

That Last Line Though

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Wendillon
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So because the warning label on a bottle of bleach says not to drink it, are you just going to blindly follow it and not drink the bleach? What if it tastes really good??

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#31

They Did Not See This Coming

They Did Not See This Coming

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#32

Columbus Day

Columbus Day

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Truth Monster
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3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

End up in a random aisle and whatever you find there is now "Indian Food."

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#33

Austin Powers Would Be Proud Of That Comeback

Austin Powers Would Be Proud Of That Comeback

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#34

'im Tired Of Being Responsible For Something That Is Entirely My Resposibility.'

'im Tired Of Being Responsible For Something That Is Entirely My Resposibility.'

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#35

I Love Puns

I Love Puns

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Losferatu
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Let's play a game: Spell the type of establishment we're eating at, and I'll buy you your meal!

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#36

Who’ll Email You When You Block Him

Who’ll Email You When You Block Him

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#37

Can't Get Any More Clever Than This

Can't Get Any More Clever Than This

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Kirsten Kerkhof
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I will never have the guts to send a reply like that, but by Golly, I wish I would ...

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#38

Invasive Species

Invasive Species

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#43

Depends On Who Writes The Comic

Depends On Who Writes The Comic

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#44

Boomer vs. Millenial

Boomer vs. Millenial

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#46

She Isn’t A Walking Womb

She Isn’t A Walking Womb

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Lauren Caswell
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

F**k this molyneux d**k. He was banned from speaking here (new zealand) in 2018 I think, the brainless monstrous mosque shooter donated to his causes and his petition to be allowed to do his stupid speaking event in NZ. Then murdered the innocent souls in cold blood at one of our mosques. So that's the kind of person who supports this fuckwad. No thanks. (NB not meaning to mislead, I'm personally agnostic, but say "our mosques" just as I would say "our churches/synagogues/temples/etc". A kiwi is a kiwi. A person is a person.)

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#47

Weird Motives

Weird Motives

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wandile dludlu
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wonder if the so called "1st world" countries know that here in the 3rd world, we drive both and are required to pass your driving test using a stick shift

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#48

Especially Clever

Especially Clever

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Vikram Bedi
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If everyone starts using the toilet marked “ me” then “ everyone else “ would be left clean...

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#49

Facebook Comeback

Facebook Comeback

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Helen Haley
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The waiter is providing a valuable service with very little likelihood of customer death.

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#50

Quite Funny To Be Honest

Quite Funny To Be Honest

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Katchen
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

WTAF. They ask teens about guns when school shootings plague the country, but are offended by the nail gun joke?

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