Woman Gets Harassed By Adoptive Child’s Family When She Changes His Name, Snaps Back By Telling Them The Name Wasn’t Appropriate
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Having your own baby and adopting one are two very different experiences but each of them have their own joys and challenges. One step that adoptive parents are most likely to miss is the choosing of a name and deciding on what they want to call their child.
Most likely is the correct wording as the parents may want to choose a new name for their child, especially if they are adopting a baby and if the previous name has some negative connotations and they can do that. However, when this woman changed her kid’s name, the biological parents were quite mad and the situation escalated a bit with people snapping at each other and now she thinks that she may have been too harsh.
More info: Reddit
Woman changed her adoptive child’s name and had to shut down social media because of the harassment
Image credits: Maessive (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) is a mom for 3 kids now, but the last addition to the family was adopted. The family wasn’t planning on it, but life circumstances led the baby into their arms. The boy was just a newborn when OP’s husband’s cousin Sue gave him to them as she and the baby’s dad John were suffering from addiction and couldn’t take care of a child.
This was supposed to be a temporary decision until the parents recovered, but after 2 years without any results, and even without any visible effort, OP and her husband decided to officially adopt the baby, especially because his biological parents didn’t show any interest neither in their recovery nor their child.
The woman was not planning any more kids after her 2 daughters but she is happy that she got to adopt her son
Image credits: u/Any-Blacberry-5557
After the boy was officially adopted, the mom wanted to also officially change his name as she and her husband never referred to him by his birth name anyway. It was because the baby was named after John’s brother, who died after an overdose which occurred while Sue was pregnant with the baby in the story.
The mom didn’t think it was appropriate because of its backstory. She imagined that it wouldn’t be pleasant for him to tell others who he was named after, so the new parents registered the boy’s middle name as his first name, which is the new dad’s and Sue’s grandfather’s name. With his middle name, the parents honored OP’s dad, who fell in love with his grandchild from first sight.
The boy’s biological parents are the husband’s cousin and her boyfriend, but because of addiction problems, they couldn’t raise their son
Image credits: u/Any-Blacberry-5557
It was decided that the woman and her husband would temporarily take care of the baby until his parents recovered
Image credits: u/Any-Blacberry-5557
When John’s family found out about it, they were furious and were blasting the OP’s social media, insulting and degrading her. Keep in mind that this family has no blood connection either to the OP or her husband. At some point the woman had had enough of it and snapped back.
She was harsh, calling out the dead brother for his crimes and his life full of vices. Some would say that it’s inappropriate to talk like that about dead people, but she felt that she had the right to defend herself even if her husband thought that she went too far.
When Bored Panda got in contact with the woman, she told us that she knew the story of the dead brother because she saw the police and court reports and she told us that “There are reasons CPS apprehended the baby AT BIRTH. We received him because we were approached after another of my husband’s family members suggested us as a solution.”
However, that never happened and the temporary parents officially adopted the boy, who has been in their care for 2 years
Image credits: Patrick Connelly (not the actual image)
Image credits: u/Any-Blacberry-5557
The woman also told us that she doesn’t know for sure if the parents are only mad about her changing the boy’s name or because she adopted him: “We haven’t had contact with them since early on when I had the police remove them from my property. At that point they were demanding their child but they didn’t bother going to any of the scheduled visits before or after.”
What is for sure is that the biological parents do know about the OP adopting their child. “Bio dad and bio mom were both served with legal documents. Neither bio parent filed any legal objections during the process. They didn’t respond or acknowledge anything. But they were legally served.”
Before that, every interaction between the families was via phone and they met only once in the hospital with security and CPS supervising them. Later, the OP and her family “moved away after getting custody due to both our concerns over their previous hostility and refusal to do anything for the benefit or security of the baby.”
The new parents decided to change his name as he was named after his biological father’s brother who died after overdosing
Image credits: u/Any-Blacberry-5557
But then the harassment began. The ones that blew up OP’s social media were John’s family, the cousin’s boyfriend’s family who is not tied to the OP or her husband by blood or is in their friend circle: “Then out of the blue the bio dad’s mother suddenly realized or found out, or whatever. She rallied their family troops from whatever sewers and traphouses they were in and they waged their campaign on my social media and in messaging.” However, the biological parents never made an effort to contact the OP.
The mom wanted to make it clear, “Despite the accusations, we had no desire to have more children. Neither through theft, adoption nor birth. We did not seek it. We did not plan it.” She and her husband were actually enjoying the stage in their lives when their daughters needed less care as they are older and already thinking about college.
But at the same time, she is happy how it all turned out. “4 years ago I would have laughed and said you must be high, but now… My son is a gift I never knew we wanted and now I can’t imagine life without him. We didn’t know our little family was missing such an important piece until he came into our life and filled it.”
When the cousin’s boyfriend’s family found out about it, they harassed the adoptive mom and eventually she snapped back
Image credits: u/Any-Blacberry-5557
The woman pointed out that the dead brother didn’t live an honorable life, so he didn’t deserve to be remembered by giving his name to his nephew
Image credits: Mark Evans (not the actual image)
People in the comments agreed that the woman’s comment was harsh and that addiction is no joking matter because it takes lives, as it happened with John’s brother. At the same time, they pointed out that the child is already legally her and her husband’s, so if they wanted to change his name, they are able to do it and shouldn’t be harassed about it by the biological parents who didn’t show any interest in being real parents until then.
We would like to know what you think of the story and the comment the woman made about John’s dead brother. Do you think she was justified as she was being harassed? Do you think it was possible to just ignore it, seeing that the people harassing her were related to her adopted son? We would love to hear your insights in the comments!
Redditors supported the mom and could justify her reaction even if it was harsh
NTA but I would suggest you do some research into substance use disorder and work on changing the language you use to talk about individuals who live (and die) with SUDs. Especially if your sons bio parent struggle with addiction. Is it healthy to tell him individuals with SUDs are sh**stains( I think that was the word used, forgive me if it wasn't)? Or to explain to your child that his bio parents suffered from a chronic disease, no different from diabetes, that left them unable to care for their bio kid? I work in the field of addiction and reentry, and have done plenty of research while getting my degree as well. Addiction is not a moral failing. It is a heartbreaking disease with a high mortality rate. Also, good for you both for taking in this child and giving him a life of love and stability.
I’m sorry, I take offence at you saying “no different from diabetes”, 11 year old me had no say in her pancreas just stopping to function, people do have a say on what they snort, inject, smoke or drink, yes addiction is a disease but a disease that the sufferer in most cases brought on themselves, so there is a level of culpability
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Okay, let me get this straight: The biological parents have zero rights to the kid and were never involved in his life from the get-go? Then simple, NTA. If they raised the kid and it was agreed by all legal parties involved, David Owen Smith sounds like a beautiful name. The noisemakers (as I call them) can either pick their up nut sacks and start taking responsibility for the kid like they should have, or shut their traps and let David Owen Smith live his life happily with his family proper.
Calling the deceased a "sh:tstain" was way too far without knowing more about the person. Addiction is a disease, and it's not easy to control. I understand the name change, but holy c**p that was just excessively cruel.
Yup, changing the kid's name was totally fine since he's her kid now, but where does she get off insulting a dead man she knows next to nothing about?
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The crux of the matter here is not about two names. It's about two words. And those two words are "restraining order".
Imo they should cut ties with the family all together (this includes social media). If they oneday get clean, then maybe they can discuss reopening the connection, but until then it is best to have no contact. She is TA for speaking so ill of the dead though. I get why she feels that way, and I'd probably feel the same, but addiction is a really sad thing and we often dehumanize people who suffer from it. Those things just shouldn't have been said out loud.
I'm proud of this lady! She stuck up for herself and didn't let the AHs responsible off the hook. They gave up all legal rights when they didn't come through for their son, like they promised. Now he's with a family that will love and treat him well!
As long as all rights have been revoked from the maternal parents and you have full legal custody, you are allowed to change the name of your adoptive child.
I mean, if the parents were still occasionally in the child's life in some way I would say it's a mean-spirited thing to do. If there was hope the mother would turn her life around and be in his life, then I wouldn't change the name. However, it sounds like this isn't the case. If they've had no contact with the child, then she had every right to change his name. Courts will not just take rights away w***y nilly; it must be very serious to allow the rights be stricken from BOTH blood parents. I also think she must have had to sign her rights to the kid over or there was a timeframe where she was gone from his life for so long that he was considered abandoned. I know drug addiction is a disease- my brother died of it. But children in that situation need to be protected. It doesn't sound like the mom made any attempts-even just a basic visit/phone call- or cared more about the child than her addiction, so unfortunately this is the price she pays for that.
It's all well and good saying she should have shown restraint in her reaction and perhaps I do agree with some about not calling the person a "sh*tstain". But imagine if you will, yourselves in that situation. Hindsight is 20/20 and you can't honestly deny you wouldn't have had the same reaction. Yes addiction isn't easy to get out of, I know that all too well. But it sounds to me like the bio parents have had every opportunity to get their lives together and sorted out. But they choose not to. And they have the audacity to come at the OP the way they did? Nah. I'd have told them where they could stick it. I may not have mouthed off about the deceased friend but then again I may have. We don't know the extent of what was said to OP to make her lose her cool like that. It's not always so simple as "you shouldn't have said that".
I think the OP went over the top with her response but as someone who has dealt with a dysfunctional family member, sometime you just reach your limit. It may not be right but it’s understandable - especially if a child is involved.
NTA, I think people forget that we're human and we don't always show our best side when we get angry. I don't get offended by speaking ill of the dead because who they were as a person doesn't change just because they died. However, it is in poor taste to use it as a weapon of attack. It was a very ugly thing to say but as a mom I'll do anything to protect my kids so I understand. Congratulations on your sons adoption, it wasn't wrong for you to change his name, he's your child and the family didn't try to raise him so they can shut up! Good luck to you and your family, I'm glad he has a family that will give him a better life!
NTA. He's your son. Get a restraining order on his bio 'parents' (I say parents in quotes because there's no other term for it but they are not his parents in any way that matters)
NTA. and i mean that from the bottom of my junkie hating heart. ok. hate is a strong word. seriously, that baby is yours. i hope you have legally adopted him. no need to change your language. the truth is the truth. screw these people. my niece got "talked" into naming her baby after the dead junkie (suicide) uncle. the baby's daddy wanted to "honor" his late brother. i told her not to do that. she needed to stand up for herself and her baby. 2 years later baby daddy is gone. she has regretted that name for over 20 years now.
NTA, the truth is like rain it doesn't give a f**k who it falls on.
I think she has every right to change her sons name and is clearly not the a*****e on THAT part. HOWEVER, wow, I think it’s disgusting the words she used to describe a person who clearly suffered and then passed. If she has all legal rights, block all the people complaining to her and move on raising your child. Absolutely no need to refer to a person suffering from addiction as a “shitstain”
I highly recommend Dr Gabor Maté, if you're interested in educating yourself on the whys of addiction: https://m.imdb.com/title/tt13863968
Yeah, you're an AH. I wouldn't have changed the kid's name unless it was something stupid like Winchester Ford Sparkle Pony. There was nothing wrong with the kid's name to begin with. Honoring her brother was sweet. Addiction is an illness. Calling the uncle that he was named after a S***stain was harsh, uncalled for and something only an AH would do.
ESH. He’s your baby, you decide the name but getting into it in social media was a bad decision. Vile people are going to be vile, what else do you expect? But block them and don’t get into it.
addiction maybe not a choice but not doing anything about it is...also the bio parents and their families never gave a c**p about the baby so they shoulda just keep not giving a c**p and stfu
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He is literally 2 years old......that's like saying my cat is uncomfortable with a name change...news flash neither one cares at all
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NTA but I would suggest you do some research into substance use disorder and work on changing the language you use to talk about individuals who live (and die) with SUDs. Especially if your sons bio parent struggle with addiction. Is it healthy to tell him individuals with SUDs are sh**stains( I think that was the word used, forgive me if it wasn't)? Or to explain to your child that his bio parents suffered from a chronic disease, no different from diabetes, that left them unable to care for their bio kid? I work in the field of addiction and reentry, and have done plenty of research while getting my degree as well. Addiction is not a moral failing. It is a heartbreaking disease with a high mortality rate. Also, good for you both for taking in this child and giving him a life of love and stability.
I’m sorry, I take offence at you saying “no different from diabetes”, 11 year old me had no say in her pancreas just stopping to function, people do have a say on what they snort, inject, smoke or drink, yes addiction is a disease but a disease that the sufferer in most cases brought on themselves, so there is a level of culpability
Load More Replies... Okay, let me get this straight: The biological parents have zero rights to the kid and were never involved in his life from the get-go? Then simple, NTA. If they raised the kid and it was agreed by all legal parties involved, David Owen Smith sounds like a beautiful name. The noisemakers (as I call them) can either pick their up nut sacks and start taking responsibility for the kid like they should have, or shut their traps and let David Owen Smith live his life happily with his family proper.
Calling the deceased a "sh:tstain" was way too far without knowing more about the person. Addiction is a disease, and it's not easy to control. I understand the name change, but holy c**p that was just excessively cruel.
Yup, changing the kid's name was totally fine since he's her kid now, but where does she get off insulting a dead man she knows next to nothing about?
Load More Replies... The crux of the matter here is not about two names. It's about two words. And those two words are "restraining order".
Imo they should cut ties with the family all together (this includes social media). If they oneday get clean, then maybe they can discuss reopening the connection, but until then it is best to have no contact. She is TA for speaking so ill of the dead though. I get why she feels that way, and I'd probably feel the same, but addiction is a really sad thing and we often dehumanize people who suffer from it. Those things just shouldn't have been said out loud.
I'm proud of this lady! She stuck up for herself and didn't let the AHs responsible off the hook. They gave up all legal rights when they didn't come through for their son, like they promised. Now he's with a family that will love and treat him well!
As long as all rights have been revoked from the maternal parents and you have full legal custody, you are allowed to change the name of your adoptive child.
I mean, if the parents were still occasionally in the child's life in some way I would say it's a mean-spirited thing to do. If there was hope the mother would turn her life around and be in his life, then I wouldn't change the name. However, it sounds like this isn't the case. If they've had no contact with the child, then she had every right to change his name. Courts will not just take rights away w***y nilly; it must be very serious to allow the rights be stricken from BOTH blood parents. I also think she must have had to sign her rights to the kid over or there was a timeframe where she was gone from his life for so long that he was considered abandoned. I know drug addiction is a disease- my brother died of it. But children in that situation need to be protected. It doesn't sound like the mom made any attempts-even just a basic visit/phone call- or cared more about the child than her addiction, so unfortunately this is the price she pays for that.
It's all well and good saying she should have shown restraint in her reaction and perhaps I do agree with some about not calling the person a "sh*tstain". But imagine if you will, yourselves in that situation. Hindsight is 20/20 and you can't honestly deny you wouldn't have had the same reaction. Yes addiction isn't easy to get out of, I know that all too well. But it sounds to me like the bio parents have had every opportunity to get their lives together and sorted out. But they choose not to. And they have the audacity to come at the OP the way they did? Nah. I'd have told them where they could stick it. I may not have mouthed off about the deceased friend but then again I may have. We don't know the extent of what was said to OP to make her lose her cool like that. It's not always so simple as "you shouldn't have said that".
I think the OP went over the top with her response but as someone who has dealt with a dysfunctional family member, sometime you just reach your limit. It may not be right but it’s understandable - especially if a child is involved.
NTA, I think people forget that we're human and we don't always show our best side when we get angry. I don't get offended by speaking ill of the dead because who they were as a person doesn't change just because they died. However, it is in poor taste to use it as a weapon of attack. It was a very ugly thing to say but as a mom I'll do anything to protect my kids so I understand. Congratulations on your sons adoption, it wasn't wrong for you to change his name, he's your child and the family didn't try to raise him so they can shut up! Good luck to you and your family, I'm glad he has a family that will give him a better life!
NTA. He's your son. Get a restraining order on his bio 'parents' (I say parents in quotes because there's no other term for it but they are not his parents in any way that matters)
NTA. and i mean that from the bottom of my junkie hating heart. ok. hate is a strong word. seriously, that baby is yours. i hope you have legally adopted him. no need to change your language. the truth is the truth. screw these people. my niece got "talked" into naming her baby after the dead junkie (suicide) uncle. the baby's daddy wanted to "honor" his late brother. i told her not to do that. she needed to stand up for herself and her baby. 2 years later baby daddy is gone. she has regretted that name for over 20 years now.
NTA, the truth is like rain it doesn't give a f**k who it falls on.
I think she has every right to change her sons name and is clearly not the a*****e on THAT part. HOWEVER, wow, I think it’s disgusting the words she used to describe a person who clearly suffered and then passed. If she has all legal rights, block all the people complaining to her and move on raising your child. Absolutely no need to refer to a person suffering from addiction as a “shitstain”
I highly recommend Dr Gabor Maté, if you're interested in educating yourself on the whys of addiction: https://m.imdb.com/title/tt13863968
Yeah, you're an AH. I wouldn't have changed the kid's name unless it was something stupid like Winchester Ford Sparkle Pony. There was nothing wrong with the kid's name to begin with. Honoring her brother was sweet. Addiction is an illness. Calling the uncle that he was named after a S***stain was harsh, uncalled for and something only an AH would do.
ESH. He’s your baby, you decide the name but getting into it in social media was a bad decision. Vile people are going to be vile, what else do you expect? But block them and don’t get into it.
addiction maybe not a choice but not doing anything about it is...also the bio parents and their families never gave a c**p about the baby so they shoulda just keep not giving a c**p and stfu
Load More Replies... He is literally 2 years old......that's like saying my cat is uncomfortable with a name change...news flash neither one cares at all
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