I Continue Posing With My Cardboard Cutouts At Sunset And Here Is The Result

Hey! Who took a bite of my apple?” I asked the three Presidents.“I can not tell a lie,” George said. “I did not do it.” “They don’t call me ‘Honest Abe’ for nothing,” Abraham said. “I didn’t do it either.” Then it was Donald’s turn. He swallowed what was in his mouth and simply said, “Obama!”

Some moments are beyond words.

I didn't ask how she got the plastic six-pack holder stuck around her neck. I was just happy to help.

"Look at us," I said. “We're lost in the woods. It's almost dark. Whose idea was it to take this stupid hike anyway?"

When we really need one, there's nothing better than a strong friend to lean on. Someone who'll just stand there and listen. Like a giant robot.

You know when you imagine someone else's life is more comfortable than it actually is? Yeah, that's how I felt up there on that doghouse.

At a moment when violence and deep hatred is literally burning across our country, I offer this image as a call for peace and a prayer that one day every black boy and girl will be able to grow up in the United States with respect, opportunity and safety.

I'd never really given it much thought… but tonight, as my brothers chirped on and on about their favorite kind of worm and my sisters pecked mites out of their feathers, the idea occurred to me that perhaps I'd been adopted.

When Impala Safari promises "Up Close Nature Tours," they are not kidding.

I almost never ask for directions. But when I finally admitted I was lost to a local down on the beach, he actually offered to give me a ride.

Of all the days to take my cow for a ride, I had to choose this one.

"There's more racism over there," I said.
"Hulk smash!" The Hulk replied.

When I was asked to go duck hunting, this is not at all what I expected.

True friends stay beside us when times get tough.

Shadow thought she could jump across the canyon. I didn't think she could make it.
Then she tried.
Unfortunately, I was right.

It was such an honor to be in the field as the turtledoves were hatching.

You know that expression: Look before you leap? Yeah, maybe a quick peek isn't a bad idea.

It was one of the most beautiful sunsets I'd ever seen, but the little penguin on my shoulder just kept talking about sardines, sardines, sardines.

"Do NOT take me to your leader," the martian said.
"Yeah. Good call," I agreed. "He's not so big on illegal aliens."

"Are you the great and powerful Genie?"
"No. Sorry, love. I'm the cleaning lady. Just tidying up between renters."

Medical professionals think heat may weaken the virus, so I'm keeping my dragon close.

"Are you coming for me?" I asked Death. "Is it because of the virus?" "Oh, no," Death replied. "I just thought I’d trim these bushes."

I offered to drive to the restaurant, but Supergirl said she knew a shortcut.

“Okay, little guy. You can do it. Just one word and you get the treat. Can you say: John? Jaaawwwn."

"Are you ready to switch yet? I think I've had just about enough of the milk crate."

After the strict leash law went into effect, things got a little weird between Goofy and me.

After the wedding, I had no idea how I was going to satisfy Queen Kong, but sometimes… you just need to dive right in and see what happens.

"Do you think we're praying for the same thing?" I asked the mantis. "Probably not," the mantis replied. "Why? What are you praying for?" I asked. "Fat juicy aphids on the rose bushes," the mantis admitted. "Yeah, probably not," I said.

They call it a Mer-tini. Or a Mer-garita. Something like that. And while it's a fun novelty for summer, I'm not sure exactly how to drink it.

Centaurs are majestic creatures. Half horse on the bottom, half man on the top. But Ruatnecs are... less noble, to put it mildly. And they definitely need to wear pants when they're out of the corral.

Sometimes Instagram can make people's lives look more exciting than they actually are.

The challenge had been around for a while. Whoever could jump with their horse off the highest platform and land in the office trash can would win the trophy. And Shadow and I wanted that trophy.

As soon as I found the source of the loud rattling sound, a weird hissing noise started. What a crazy day.

"I think you're missing the point. It's not that he wants to frighten you. He just doesn't want you eating his corn. Does that make sense?"

So let me see if I have this straight. You're saying if I just stand here holding this fish, a Field Dolphin will suddenly burst out of the ground and take it right out of my hand? Is that what I'm supposed to believe?

"Do I have something in my teeth?"

She's a funny girl. She never takes her hat off, and she holds that torch up all the time. But I've gotta say, by the light of the fireworks tonight, she was looking pretty beautiful to me.

Everyone told me wearing my mouse costume in front of Mittens was a bad idea, but what's the worst that can happen?

Sometimes it's hard to decide which way to go.

I know voting by mail is a safe way to handle the upcoming election. I'm not worried about that. It's just getting my ballot into the mailbox that I'm afraid of.

"Excuse me. I need some coins for the parking meter. Do you have any change?""Be the change you wish to see in the world."

While I wait for lockdown to end, I decided to finally chop down the creepy old stump in my backyard. But as I approached it at sunset, I had a feeling it wasn’t going to give up without a fight.

There's nothing like a warm summer night, reading by the lantern light of a friendly firefly.

As a dog walker, even on no-gravity days, I need to strap on my lead boots and do my job.

I put an ad in the local paper, looking for fiddlers to play with. Maybe I should have been more specific.

Has this ever happened to you? You're getting wrapped up in silk by a giant spider and THEN you remember what your online banking password is. Am I right?

The bad news is: In addition to the virus, we now have Killer Bees AND Murder Hornets. The good news is: The Torture Wasps won't be here for another few weeks.

When you really want to impress beautiful Indian dancers, two arms just aren’t enough. 

“What kind of style do you want?” I asked my giraffe friend. “How ‘bout a double Windsor,” he replied. “You know, I could teach you how to do it,” I offered. “It’s really not that hard.” “Sounds good,” the giraffe said. “As soon as you can tie your own tie with your feet, come show me how.”