“AITA For Calling My MIL A Crybaby And Saying Her Birthday Isn’t As Important As My Son’s First Birthday?”
Family life is one of those things where you never know where and when you’ll offend someone or simply hurt someone else’s interests. And indeed, if schools taught a discipline called “Family Negotiating”, this world would definitely be a somewhat more peaceful place.
Relations between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law in families since ancient times have been a cause for much strife, and the modern day is no exception. Like, for example, in this family, where the wife decided to complain online about the behavior of the grandmother of her own 1-year-old son.
The thread she started on Reddit almost went viral with around 10K upvotes and over 2K different people rushed to comment. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…
More info: Reddit
The Original Poster’s son was coincidentally born on the same day as his grandmother
Image credits: Liza (not the actual image)
So, the Original Poster delivered a son about a year ago, and it turned out that the baby was born exactly on the same day as his grandmother. By the way, even before the birth, the woman used to joke that the child should have waited a bit to be born in order to avoid such coincidences – but no. It turned out just the opposite.
Image credits: u/[deleted]
When it came time to arrange birthday parties, nobody wanted to give in
And so, when it came time to organize the first birthday party for the little boy, it turned out that the MIL did not want to give in to any arrangement that would take attention from her own party. We must say, she had two good reasons for this.
Image credits: u/[deleted]
The mother-in-law had her 50th birthday, so it was extremely important to her
Firstly, in their family, it has always been customary to arrange very large-scale family holidays. Secondly, not just a birthday was approaching, but a half-century jubilee – and such a date, you see, should be celebrated on a special scale!
Image credits: Dark Dwarf (not the actual image)
Image credits: u/[deleted]
Mom and MIL did not agree on the arranging of both parties on the same day
And so, the OP and her MIL started arguing. At first, mom suggested arranging a children’s party in the morning, and then move on to celebrating grandma’s birthday. She, however, refused – because the scale of the planned holiday meant stylists, hairdressers, trying on clothes… in fact, the woman simply would not have had time to visit the holiday of her tiny grandson.
Image credits: u/[deleted]
Grandmother told her that the 1-year-old baby just won’t remember anything about his first party
In turn, MIL claimed that since the baby is only a year old, he definitely won’t remember or even understand anything that will happen, so, in her opinion, nothing terrible will occur if the children’s party is rescheduled to another day, or even to the next weekend.
Image credits: u/[deleted]
Both women blamed the other in disrespect and offensiveness
Needless to say, both women could not come to an agreement. In the end, everything played out like a massive quarrel – the mother accused MIL of neglecting her own grandson, and she, in turn, claimed that the OP simply did not respect her and her age.
Image credits: Marc can der Chijs (not the actual iimage)
The OP, in response, just called the MIL a crybaby – and the relationship deteriorated for a long time. Her husband’s sisters sided with their mother and stopped communicating with both the OP and their own brother (who, apparently, supported his own wife and son).
People in the comments just blasted both women for being extremely stubborn
However, commenters on Reddit were not so supportive, blasting both women for being so stubborn. Most, of course, simply advised her to reconcile and organize a joint party – although the OP further noted that her MIL usually celebrates noisily, with loud music, feasts until deep after midnight and entertains many ‘doubtful’, as she puts it, guests.
And yet, people in the comments were inclined to believe that it was necessary to agree to get along somehow – at least so that in the future, the kid would not grow up in an atmosphere of hostility, and after such a quarrel, further grievances and conflicts are inevitable. In general, as we have already noted, a training course on “Family Negotiating” is a must-have.
By the way, it would be interesting to know your opinion about this story – and indeed, perhaps some of you have found yourself in a slightly similar situation, in which case we look forward to hearing about your decision. Experience, after all, is the result of mistakes, and it’s best to learn from those made by strangers.
I don’t get the yta’s, the mother in law is also in the wrong as well so indeed ESH
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On a personal note: Something like this caused my divorce. There were MANY other things but this was the final straw.. Planned a getaway to Carmel, California for my birthday. Niece on his side was born on my birthday. I asked continually if we were still going to Carmel and that we could visit his niece when we got back.. It was yes until the day of and he decided to go to his niece's 1st birthday party. REGARDING THIS POST; I would say both are AH simply because of the way they communicated with each other. Things could have been said much differently and maybe a compromised could have been reached.
Sorry that happened, I'd say if you asked a few times, with the answer that the trip was on, I don't blame you for the poor outcome. Not a way to treat your loved one at the time. I have 2 nieces , oddly enough one is the oldest and then this second girl being the final one too. Happened to be born on the same day. My SIL was so disappointed that her daughter didn't have her own day, but we women can't control these events for the most part. You just deal with the best way you can. Just get over yourselves is what generally happens. My Mom was thrilled with it as she remembers the birthdays better. With 12 grands and double the 'days' less to keep up with. (:P )
Load More Replies... Yeah everyone’san a**e. Poor kid. They cant even get over it and compromise for his first birthday and he will have a lifetime of being stuck in the middle of it. There is no reason why they cant both be on the same day. Do the kid mid morning and the grandma at night. Or do the kid another day…. Not like he can read the calendar. We once lied to our 2year old about when her birthday was because it clashed with a wedding. She was none the wiser and had a fabulous birthday party.
lol I came here to post the same spill. They need to learn how to share this special day like MATURE PEOPLE. I won't say "like an adult" as it's ageist. Even if the kid may not remember, it's important to the family to celebrate the first birthday cuz of bonding and stuff. Mornings are a indeed good idea for the kiddo and a good idea for afternoon/evening party with grandmum.
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Other people exist. A hell of a lot of them share your birthday. Get over it and get over yourself. Why are people such a holes?
Let me add that I have two granddaughters, one brand new, and I would gladly celebrate any and every birthday with them. I would make it so epic. When the oldest is 18 I'd be turning 65...the possibilities! The adventures!
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Unpopular opinion here, but MIL has had many milestones ... this is the child's 2nd (following birth) ... as a parent, I will remember and even it is more about me than the child, it's a memory I can always refer to when they're older ... my child comes first, I don't care if I'm the only one there to celebrate it with them ...
But one day is 24 hours. I'm sure that when discussing things like adults, they could have figured things out. It's not like it's a good idea to have a kids birthday in the evening anyway...
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Yeah, the kid isn't going to remember their 1st birthday, but what is with this "milestone birthday" rubbish. What a childish attitude for an adult. I can't believe the opinions being expressed here in support of the obviously entitled and arrogant MIL... who clearly cares little for her grandchild and even less for her DIL.
NTA, a 1st birthday is a really big deal for a mother and it’s also a milestone. I don’t blame op for preferring to celebrate her own child’s birthday rather than the MIL, who seems incredibly self absorbed and petty. MIL made it a competition with the baby and it will likely be a problem every single year, not just a milestone birthday. I can’t imagine putting my child aside on their birthday because a grown adult thinks that day is only for them. Also, I think this was a way for op to set a standard going forward. If she put her own child second o this time, MIL would expect it every year.
Yeah, the part about grandma being upset about the baby being born on her birthday was the first red flag. Better believe I would choose my own child over a selfish old lady, especially as she's offered precisely zero compromise. I also can't belive a grandparent would be that disinterested in a grandbaby's birthday.
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Pretty much ESH. The MIL seems to be having a toddler-style tantrum, but as a parent, I'm also anti-birthday party before the age of 3 mostly because they're too young to both understand or care.
"First birthday parties are for the parents, not the kid" - that's the most reasonable thing that was said in the whole discussion, and it is true. The child will indeed have no memories whatsoever of his birthday party, so there should be no problem with moving it to a different date, a week later perhaps (I doubt the kid would suddenly grow a beard and start working nightshifts in the meantime).
It would be the same every year, no just this year. The granny would want to be put first bust because "she was born first". So what, the kid should make compromises until his granny dies?
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I'd be leaning towards ESH, but this grandmother had an attitude even before the baby was born. WT? No, the kid won't remember the birthday, but the parents will. They only get one first and it matters. Grandma has a lot of nerve implying someone else's birthday isn't important, then making such a big deal of her own. I don't get it. My daughter was born two days after her grandfather. He would have loved to have the same. Last year they shared a cake and a small family celebration and couldn't have been happier for it. I'd probably offer to do the baby's birthday in the morning so grandmother could have the afternoon, but if she's 50 and still can't share, she absolutely has to have the whole day all to herself, that's on her and I'm out at that point. Doesn't sound like much of a grandmother anyway.
I was due on my aunt's birthday, and she was hoping my daughter would share her birthday, but my daughter had other plans...lol.
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Seriously? NTA! It is her childs first birthday...what loyalty does she have to her mother in law? Yeah she is family, but immediate family always comes first (spouse and kids)
...and I say that as someone who LOVES her mother in law
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YTA. In my family, we do excursions to celebrate milestone birthdays like trips abroad, spa weekends, dinner at the most expensive restaurant that we can afford, etc. The entire family, and some extended family, participate. Your child will only turn 1 once, and your MIL will only turn 50 once. Pull your self-righteous a*s out of the silo you’re bricking yourself into, have a family-only morning gathering at your home in the morning, then put on the dazzle and help your MIL celebrate her 50th. P.S.: you don’t have to stay to 2 a.m.! Just show up out of respect.
I turned 50 last year, it was the first time I actually organised a big party at a venue for any of my birthdays (thanks lockdown for ruining that). I planned it six months beforehand. Anyway, in my opinion, a first birthday is special, too, but the baby doesn’t care about it. The MIL probably had the venue booked etc for months, so it’s unfair to ask her to change the date. It’s not like the MIL has big parties every year, according to the OP. She said she had a lavish 40th, ten years ago. People say to ME, oh, just have your 50th party this year instead, but it’s not the same. Anyone who has hit 40 and 50 milestones will understand
It’s not like the MIL has big parties every year... Yes, she does. Look the ëdit...
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Um excuse me but I will say you are NTA here. As a grandmother myself I would never ask my child to postpone their child’s birthday party to accommodate mine. I’m sorry if this offends people but grow the f**k up. This is your grandchilds first birthday party. Set aside your ego for a moment . Enjoy the day then go do whatever the f**k you want albeit getting wasted and s**t. Seriously!?’ If not bow the f**k out and don’t get butthurt about it
I'd put my baby's 1st birthday over anybody else's any day! But then again I never acted like I was a queen on my birthday either. The baby won't remember but I will. It's time for the MIL to stop acting like a baby and grow up!
ESH, but I'm going to side with the mom. In 20 years, you'll be looking at pictures of your son's first birthday and know it's his first birthday. OTOH, when you look at the MIL's birthday celebration pictures, you'll be wondering, "Was this the 40th? 50th? When was this?" MIL has had 49 birthdays already. Son has had none. So what if he won''t remember it? You will. But let's be real: a birthday celebration for a 1-year old takes about 30 minutes from start to nap. Maybe half a dozen guests. A small cake, some punch, et voila! Finished. Have it at 11am and you're done and dusted before noon. Plenty of time for MIL's gala "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME" party.
Your MIL is more than old enough to know better , and obviously doesn't, disown them
OP knew going in on this that her MIL made a big deal out of her birthdays and an extra big deal over milestones, so it's not like it came as a surprise. I get it - the first birthday of your first born is super important to you, and it sounds like this would be the thin edge of a growing wedge of demands from the MIL, so OP needs to find a delicate way to stand her ground. Be delighted for MIL's birthday bash, ask if it would be OK to show up later in the evening as it's important for you to be able to celebrate both birthdays. OK, that last part might be a lie - but it's something one does to smooth the marital road. But that way, if MIL gets pissy over the compromise, *she's* the one looking petty and childish.
Call me basic, have a simple party early in the day for the 1st birthday, then do her 50th in the evening. The 1yr old won't even remember it.
I have a 10 yr old who shares his birthday with his grandmother. Right from the start they have either celebrated together or done their own thing maybe in the afternoon and another in the evening or even another day. His 1st Birthday was celebrated by him having a silly hat and jelly with just parents and grandparents and that was it. He can't even remember his 8th birthday, let alone his 1st!. These two women will have a super hard time ahead if they don't compromise. Even now my son doesn't always have parties on the actual day of his birthday, so what is so crazy important about parties on the actual day? Some people need to get a life.
Slightly disagree, I like having my birthday party on my birthday but my bday is December 18 so nobody would show up. :( (I'm a teen, tho, it's not like I'm 50 years old mad about that)
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50 is a big deal? I did nothing out of the ordinary for mine. Birthday parties are for kids. Yes, the 1 year old won't remember but the mom will remember that moment with her child. Why not let her enjoy that? The MIL is making too big a deal out of this. Sounds a bit narcissistic. And it sounds like the MILs parties are not kid appropriate so what's the big deal with her son, wife and kid sitting this one out? With all the huge number of guests she invited what's the big deal if a handful don't show?
Did anyone not see the part where she asked mil to do child's birthday party earlier in the day? Mom is definitely nta. Mil is being selfish and so are any family members that agree with her.
I don't know any of you but I already dislike you. Your MIL is having a milestone birthday and is entitled to celebrate it her way. I had 3 kids and have 2 grandkids. They don't understand birthday parties at 1 years old. You could have easily had his party the next day or a week later, but instead decided to be a Drama Llama and cause bad feelings in the family. You ought to have waited to grow up before you had a child. Definitely the AH
People are really missing the forest for the trees here. The MIL was upset that her grandchild was born on her birthday? That’s an honor in a healthy individual. She will compete with that child for attention until the day she dies. OP could have chosen different words in the response, but something tells me mil isn’t reasonable. My husbands mother is like this, absolutely never fails to amaze us how self absorbed she really is. I hope my grand kids are born on my birthday! We will party toddler style!
Adults who obssess over their own birthdays are pathetic. Eat a cupcakes and stfu. Birthdays are for children.
Dang. I actually can't cleanly pick a side. MIL is self-centered; there's nothing "milestone" about 50, it's simply a round number and it sounds like the party will be identical to every single other one she has. The baby IS having a "milestone" birthday but absolutely won't remember it all. I can't even chose ESH because it's more that everyone needs to grow the eff up. Personally, I'd go to the baby's party.
Imagine if the kid turned 10 when the grandma turned 50! (although in that case, they would have had 10 years to negotiate birthday celebrations)
A birthday "party" for a 1 year old? Seems more like it's mom wants to celebrate herself than her kid.
It sounds to me like celebrating her son's birthday on his actual birthday is more for her than anything else. Maybe she has to work Monday to Friday and maybe she's excited because this is his first and she actually CAN plan it. I understand being excited, I would do the same. Birthdays don't matter after a certain point anyway, and she will only really get like 10ish with him anyway, since after that her son is likely to want to do things more with his friends than his family. I don't think she's an AH here.
1dt birthdays are basically the parents celebrating a year of parenthood yta
She didn't wanna combine the 1st and the MIL 50th party cause the MIL party was loud, open bar, etc? Psh...she's obviously never been to a birthday party thrown by Mexicans...no matter what the age of the guest of honor...we party all night. Both should lighten up and combine parties and call it a day
ESH, but, like so many have said, 50 is a HUGE milestone and the person will actually remember it. I'm still upset about not getting a proper 30th celebration (to be fair, some things happened that couldn't be helped, but I still feel cheated) and it's been five years. Basically, I didn't get to celebrate my 30th. Still, though, ESH.
All I can say is both of you are incredibly immature and prideful. The clear compromise is having a joint birthday where you invite the people you want earlier in the day and celebrate your son and then later on they trickle home if they want or stay if they want and your MIL’s friends arrive. That way they both can celebrate and have special highlights at the perfect time of day. Melting two birthdays into one but still making it special for both.
I think these two women's issues are way deeper than the birthday. They both seem extremely spiteful of each other. The new mom mostly. She seems to almost relish in having a reason to spite her MIL. Also a 1st birthday is just about the parents. The baby won't remember it. So it's really just about the new mom and not him like she's pretending. While MIL might be a bit of a diva, new mom us the AH here.
I just don't get it, why can't you celebrate both birthdays in same time same house? Turning 50 is time to celebrate big and i totally get why she wanna do that but if she really wanna have the 1-year party at same day, do it together! Shouldn't be that huge issue, both of you need to grow up and start to tolerate each others!
I think nobody is in the wrong, we are only human. When we set our expectations high, but another person ruins those plans, we cannot help but feeling upset at the person rather than the situation. People on BP need to realize humans make mistakes, and even adults cant control how they feel sometimes. Its part of maturing. Have a good day :))
I didn't read anything except the headline, but a first birthday is not really very important. The kid doesn't know what's happening, won't enjoy most of it, can't eat cake, and won't remember it. Why are people treating their children and pets as infinitely precious these days? It's sickening.
It sucks but you are both being assholes here. A 50th is a huge celebration meaningful to both the celebrator and those around them… the 1st bday is a milestone most appreciated by a parent since the child holds no regard….
As someone who come from a LARGE family, a kids first birthday was never really a huge deal. They dont remember. It's for the parents, not the kid. We never made a huge deal till the kid turned 5
Nice to see the husband married a woman just like mom. No wonder they don't like each other. Lol
That is why my friend, EQ and SQ are so so important for a happy, non drama life 😄. Both side are not wise and YTA for saying to MIL that she is a crybaby.
First birthday is not for the kid, it's for the mom. If MILs b-day was something other than full 50, she would be the ah, now it's this lady here.
The kid won’t remember a thing. 50 is a milestone. It wouldn’t have hurt to have the child’s gathering on the Friday evening, at least it gives the in laws an opportunity to participate. So yes, YATA. Have some respect.
Naw I agree with the MIL a 50th is important and the 1st s ridiculous sounds like OP wants all the attention
My son was born on my Mum's birthday, ( which she said was her best ever birthday present ), and every year we both made sure to celebrate both their birthdays together, even if it was for 1 hour after school or a whole day at the weekend, (all depends what day their birthday fell on). Sadly my mum is no longer here but really glad that they got to share their special day together. So I really can't understand why these can't celebrate together as its not just for one year but every year
Not exactly sure why people not liking sharing same birthday with someone..im sharing my birthday with my brothers who are triplets. so on our birthdays, we call our celebration quadruple party. We have more cakes, more food, more presents, and it feels merrier too.
Whoa! I wish I shared a birthday with my siblings! So lucky!
Load More Replies... My son was born on my bday. What a joyful time we have had celebrating his whole life!!He's an adult now, and we just figure out a nice night with us and the fam.
Personally, I would give up any plans I had for my Granddaughter(she has just turned 1) but then I don't put a lot of importance on grown-up birthdays.But it IS her 50th,so if that's important to her ,couldn't the baby have his birthday on the Sunday?
I really feel like the MIL is the bigger AH. She apparently goes crazy every year... years and years of her crazy parties. She should be excited and willing to do anything for her grandchild. She barely showed up for the birth! that's how selfish she is! She will always choose herself over the grandchild... 2 years in a row now. Doesn't matter what you do. The OP probably already figured that out. She could make the baby's Sunday afternoon though if she wanted to keep the peace... or just have a private get-together without MIL. Nothing will ever make the MIL happy... down the road it's always going to be "Choose me or the child." What's going to happen when the child turns 10, she turns 60, and the kid wants to know why Grandma won't spend time with him on his birthday? Let the MIL be a b***h and do what she wants. There's plenty of other family to love the baby.
Although I find that her not showing up to her grandsons birth is extremely rude, it is still my opinion that both of the adults should have been more mature about the situation, despite the past occurrences.
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What if the birthday was on a weekday, you would probably put it off till the weekend, so the 1st birthday can be postponed, even just one day? NTA but just being unreasonable.
100% YTA. A 50th birthday is a milestone. It's a big deal and absolutely should be celebrated. There is no way a kid will remember their first birthday. You could legit have a 1st birthday party on any random Wednesday at 5am... they're just making a big deal of it because, as much as they say it isn't, that party is for them. OP needs to get over themself. This is not at all about them.
Sorry..with the MIL on this one. A baby that age doesn't even know what a birthday is, much less care if it is on-time or not. What will you do for all the other birthdays that fall on a Monday, Tuesday or any other day than the weekend. People will still come to the party even if it's not on the exact day, but to call your MIL a cry baby for wanting a milestone birthday to be special? That's over the line. You're the one being selfish and you need to apologize to your MIL and move the kids celebration to the following weekend.
Literally EVERYONE sucks here. I never understood people who go all out for baby birthdays. I mean, I get it... it's their first one. But it's not even about the kid. It's about the parents. The kids won't remember. Make it a morning thing. Have breakfast & some cake & presents & move on. But also, adults who make a big stink about their birthdays after 21 are annoying as F**K too. This whole family SUCKS!
No. You're not an AH. First birthdays are special as first Christmas, etc. The baby won't remember it, but that's not the point. You want to celebrate your new child's "firsts" like a proud mother. No one should take that away from you or make it seem less important than her old a*s celebrating herself. I would have thought the compromise of an early party for baby, and the lavish party later for the other "baby" is best. I'm sure she could manage to wiggle in a few moments inbetween the hair and makeup to love on her grandchild. Clearly granny is selfish and she's taking your feelings for granted like they are nothing. While I don't think calling her out on her $h*t was cool, I do think that you both as grown a*s women could revisit that 2 parties in one day thing...that could be real fun and it doesn't take anything away from either of you.
I would have been thrilled to have a grandchild born on my birthday. What a present. But I know that a 1 you will never remember the party except for looking at pictures. My family alway does it up big for milestone birthdays. You are just trying to take that away from her. Shame on you. You should apologize, go to her party and reschedule his party for Sunday. He'll never know the difference. And you will have made peace in the family.
No birthday is important. We're celebrating ourselves at the core of the idea. First birthdays are especially useless.
What kind of a milestone is 50th birthday exactly? Yes, it's an anniversary, but just that it. A birthday like any other birthday - just the number is different.
Half a Centurty! Even business make a big deal out of “50 years in business”!
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Let's be honest, the poster was excited the baby was born on the mil birthday to create controversy. She was plotting this exchange for the whole year. It's ridiculous. It's not worth breaking a family apart over tho. Both women are insane. When they both look back this weekend I hope they see how childish it is/ was.
I know for me I would do my child 1st birthday. It's like no other. I did my daughter 1st birthday and she remembers it! The MIL is the one who should be ashamed. I hope the mother didn't listen to these comments and did her child's birthday party. She will have pictures to show her child once she is older as well. The MIL has had 49 birthdays and who's to say if she remembers them all now and especially in the future.
I don’t get the yta’s, the mother in law is also in the wrong as well so indeed ESH
Load More Replies... On a personal note: Something like this caused my divorce. There were MANY other things but this was the final straw.. Planned a getaway to Carmel, California for my birthday. Niece on his side was born on my birthday. I asked continually if we were still going to Carmel and that we could visit his niece when we got back.. It was yes until the day of and he decided to go to his niece's 1st birthday party. REGARDING THIS POST; I would say both are AH simply because of the way they communicated with each other. Things could have been said much differently and maybe a compromised could have been reached.
Sorry that happened, I'd say if you asked a few times, with the answer that the trip was on, I don't blame you for the poor outcome. Not a way to treat your loved one at the time. I have 2 nieces , oddly enough one is the oldest and then this second girl being the final one too. Happened to be born on the same day. My SIL was so disappointed that her daughter didn't have her own day, but we women can't control these events for the most part. You just deal with the best way you can. Just get over yourselves is what generally happens. My Mom was thrilled with it as she remembers the birthdays better. With 12 grands and double the 'days' less to keep up with. (:P )
Load More Replies... Yeah everyone’san a**e. Poor kid. They cant even get over it and compromise for his first birthday and he will have a lifetime of being stuck in the middle of it. There is no reason why they cant both be on the same day. Do the kid mid morning and the grandma at night. Or do the kid another day…. Not like he can read the calendar. We once lied to our 2year old about when her birthday was because it clashed with a wedding. She was none the wiser and had a fabulous birthday party.
lol I came here to post the same spill. They need to learn how to share this special day like MATURE PEOPLE. I won't say "like an adult" as it's ageist. Even if the kid may not remember, it's important to the family to celebrate the first birthday cuz of bonding and stuff. Mornings are a indeed good idea for the kiddo and a good idea for afternoon/evening party with grandmum.
Load More Replies... Other people exist. A hell of a lot of them share your birthday. Get over it and get over yourself. Why are people such a holes?
Let me add that I have two granddaughters, one brand new, and I would gladly celebrate any and every birthday with them. I would make it so epic. When the oldest is 18 I'd be turning 65...the possibilities! The adventures!
Load More Replies... Unpopular opinion here, but MIL has had many milestones ... this is the child's 2nd (following birth) ... as a parent, I will remember and even it is more about me than the child, it's a memory I can always refer to when they're older ... my child comes first, I don't care if I'm the only one there to celebrate it with them ...
But one day is 24 hours. I'm sure that when discussing things like adults, they could have figured things out. It's not like it's a good idea to have a kids birthday in the evening anyway...
Load More Replies... Yeah, the kid isn't going to remember their 1st birthday, but what is with this "milestone birthday" rubbish. What a childish attitude for an adult. I can't believe the opinions being expressed here in support of the obviously entitled and arrogant MIL... who clearly cares little for her grandchild and even less for her DIL.
NTA, a 1st birthday is a really big deal for a mother and it’s also a milestone. I don’t blame op for preferring to celebrate her own child’s birthday rather than the MIL, who seems incredibly self absorbed and petty. MIL made it a competition with the baby and it will likely be a problem every single year, not just a milestone birthday. I can’t imagine putting my child aside on their birthday because a grown adult thinks that day is only for them. Also, I think this was a way for op to set a standard going forward. If she put her own child second o this time, MIL would expect it every year.
Yeah, the part about grandma being upset about the baby being born on her birthday was the first red flag. Better believe I would choose my own child over a selfish old lady, especially as she's offered precisely zero compromise. I also can't belive a grandparent would be that disinterested in a grandbaby's birthday.
Load More Replies... Pretty much ESH. The MIL seems to be having a toddler-style tantrum, but as a parent, I'm also anti-birthday party before the age of 3 mostly because they're too young to both understand or care.
"First birthday parties are for the parents, not the kid" - that's the most reasonable thing that was said in the whole discussion, and it is true. The child will indeed have no memories whatsoever of his birthday party, so there should be no problem with moving it to a different date, a week later perhaps (I doubt the kid would suddenly grow a beard and start working nightshifts in the meantime).
It would be the same every year, no just this year. The granny would want to be put first bust because "she was born first". So what, the kid should make compromises until his granny dies?
Load More Replies... I'd be leaning towards ESH, but this grandmother had an attitude even before the baby was born. WT? No, the kid won't remember the birthday, but the parents will. They only get one first and it matters. Grandma has a lot of nerve implying someone else's birthday isn't important, then making such a big deal of her own. I don't get it. My daughter was born two days after her grandfather. He would have loved to have the same. Last year they shared a cake and a small family celebration and couldn't have been happier for it. I'd probably offer to do the baby's birthday in the morning so grandmother could have the afternoon, but if she's 50 and still can't share, she absolutely has to have the whole day all to herself, that's on her and I'm out at that point. Doesn't sound like much of a grandmother anyway.
I was due on my aunt's birthday, and she was hoping my daughter would share her birthday, but my daughter had other plans...lol.
Load More Replies... Seriously? NTA! It is her childs first birthday...what loyalty does she have to her mother in law? Yeah she is family, but immediate family always comes first (spouse and kids)
...and I say that as someone who LOVES her mother in law
Load More Replies... YTA. In my family, we do excursions to celebrate milestone birthdays like trips abroad, spa weekends, dinner at the most expensive restaurant that we can afford, etc. The entire family, and some extended family, participate. Your child will only turn 1 once, and your MIL will only turn 50 once. Pull your self-righteous a*s out of the silo you’re bricking yourself into, have a family-only morning gathering at your home in the morning, then put on the dazzle and help your MIL celebrate her 50th. P.S.: you don’t have to stay to 2 a.m.! Just show up out of respect.
I turned 50 last year, it was the first time I actually organised a big party at a venue for any of my birthdays (thanks lockdown for ruining that). I planned it six months beforehand. Anyway, in my opinion, a first birthday is special, too, but the baby doesn’t care about it. The MIL probably had the venue booked etc for months, so it’s unfair to ask her to change the date. It’s not like the MIL has big parties every year, according to the OP. She said she had a lavish 40th, ten years ago. People say to ME, oh, just have your 50th party this year instead, but it’s not the same. Anyone who has hit 40 and 50 milestones will understand
It’s not like the MIL has big parties every year... Yes, she does. Look the ëdit...
Load More Replies... Um excuse me but I will say you are NTA here. As a grandmother myself I would never ask my child to postpone their child’s birthday party to accommodate mine. I’m sorry if this offends people but grow the f**k up. This is your grandchilds first birthday party. Set aside your ego for a moment . Enjoy the day then go do whatever the f**k you want albeit getting wasted and s**t. Seriously!?’ If not bow the f**k out and don’t get butthurt about it
I'd put my baby's 1st birthday over anybody else's any day! But then again I never acted like I was a queen on my birthday either. The baby won't remember but I will. It's time for the MIL to stop acting like a baby and grow up!
ESH, but I'm going to side with the mom. In 20 years, you'll be looking at pictures of your son's first birthday and know it's his first birthday. OTOH, when you look at the MIL's birthday celebration pictures, you'll be wondering, "Was this the 40th? 50th? When was this?" MIL has had 49 birthdays already. Son has had none. So what if he won''t remember it? You will. But let's be real: a birthday celebration for a 1-year old takes about 30 minutes from start to nap. Maybe half a dozen guests. A small cake, some punch, et voila! Finished. Have it at 11am and you're done and dusted before noon. Plenty of time for MIL's gala "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME" party.
Your MIL is more than old enough to know better , and obviously doesn't, disown them
OP knew going in on this that her MIL made a big deal out of her birthdays and an extra big deal over milestones, so it's not like it came as a surprise. I get it - the first birthday of your first born is super important to you, and it sounds like this would be the thin edge of a growing wedge of demands from the MIL, so OP needs to find a delicate way to stand her ground. Be delighted for MIL's birthday bash, ask if it would be OK to show up later in the evening as it's important for you to be able to celebrate both birthdays. OK, that last part might be a lie - but it's something one does to smooth the marital road. But that way, if MIL gets pissy over the compromise, *she's* the one looking petty and childish.
Call me basic, have a simple party early in the day for the 1st birthday, then do her 50th in the evening. The 1yr old won't even remember it.
I have a 10 yr old who shares his birthday with his grandmother. Right from the start they have either celebrated together or done their own thing maybe in the afternoon and another in the evening or even another day. His 1st Birthday was celebrated by him having a silly hat and jelly with just parents and grandparents and that was it. He can't even remember his 8th birthday, let alone his 1st!. These two women will have a super hard time ahead if they don't compromise. Even now my son doesn't always have parties on the actual day of his birthday, so what is so crazy important about parties on the actual day? Some people need to get a life.
Slightly disagree, I like having my birthday party on my birthday but my bday is December 18 so nobody would show up. :( (I'm a teen, tho, it's not like I'm 50 years old mad about that)
Load More Replies... 50 is a big deal? I did nothing out of the ordinary for mine. Birthday parties are for kids. Yes, the 1 year old won't remember but the mom will remember that moment with her child. Why not let her enjoy that? The MIL is making too big a deal out of this. Sounds a bit narcissistic. And it sounds like the MILs parties are not kid appropriate so what's the big deal with her son, wife and kid sitting this one out? With all the huge number of guests she invited what's the big deal if a handful don't show?
Did anyone not see the part where she asked mil to do child's birthday party earlier in the day? Mom is definitely nta. Mil is being selfish and so are any family members that agree with her.
I don't know any of you but I already dislike you. Your MIL is having a milestone birthday and is entitled to celebrate it her way. I had 3 kids and have 2 grandkids. They don't understand birthday parties at 1 years old. You could have easily had his party the next day or a week later, but instead decided to be a Drama Llama and cause bad feelings in the family. You ought to have waited to grow up before you had a child. Definitely the AH
People are really missing the forest for the trees here. The MIL was upset that her grandchild was born on her birthday? That’s an honor in a healthy individual. She will compete with that child for attention until the day she dies. OP could have chosen different words in the response, but something tells me mil isn’t reasonable. My husbands mother is like this, absolutely never fails to amaze us how self absorbed she really is. I hope my grand kids are born on my birthday! We will party toddler style!
Adults who obssess over their own birthdays are pathetic. Eat a cupcakes and stfu. Birthdays are for children.
Dang. I actually can't cleanly pick a side. MIL is self-centered; there's nothing "milestone" about 50, it's simply a round number and it sounds like the party will be identical to every single other one she has. The baby IS having a "milestone" birthday but absolutely won't remember it all. I can't even chose ESH because it's more that everyone needs to grow the eff up. Personally, I'd go to the baby's party.
Imagine if the kid turned 10 when the grandma turned 50! (although in that case, they would have had 10 years to negotiate birthday celebrations)
A birthday "party" for a 1 year old? Seems more like it's mom wants to celebrate herself than her kid.
It sounds to me like celebrating her son's birthday on his actual birthday is more for her than anything else. Maybe she has to work Monday to Friday and maybe she's excited because this is his first and she actually CAN plan it. I understand being excited, I would do the same. Birthdays don't matter after a certain point anyway, and she will only really get like 10ish with him anyway, since after that her son is likely to want to do things more with his friends than his family. I don't think she's an AH here.
1dt birthdays are basically the parents celebrating a year of parenthood yta
She didn't wanna combine the 1st and the MIL 50th party cause the MIL party was loud, open bar, etc? Psh...she's obviously never been to a birthday party thrown by Mexicans...no matter what the age of the guest of honor...we party all night. Both should lighten up and combine parties and call it a day
ESH, but, like so many have said, 50 is a HUGE milestone and the person will actually remember it. I'm still upset about not getting a proper 30th celebration (to be fair, some things happened that couldn't be helped, but I still feel cheated) and it's been five years. Basically, I didn't get to celebrate my 30th. Still, though, ESH.
All I can say is both of you are incredibly immature and prideful. The clear compromise is having a joint birthday where you invite the people you want earlier in the day and celebrate your son and then later on they trickle home if they want or stay if they want and your MIL’s friends arrive. That way they both can celebrate and have special highlights at the perfect time of day. Melting two birthdays into one but still making it special for both.
I think these two women's issues are way deeper than the birthday. They both seem extremely spiteful of each other. The new mom mostly. She seems to almost relish in having a reason to spite her MIL. Also a 1st birthday is just about the parents. The baby won't remember it. So it's really just about the new mom and not him like she's pretending. While MIL might be a bit of a diva, new mom us the AH here.
I just don't get it, why can't you celebrate both birthdays in same time same house? Turning 50 is time to celebrate big and i totally get why she wanna do that but if she really wanna have the 1-year party at same day, do it together! Shouldn't be that huge issue, both of you need to grow up and start to tolerate each others!
I think nobody is in the wrong, we are only human. When we set our expectations high, but another person ruins those plans, we cannot help but feeling upset at the person rather than the situation. People on BP need to realize humans make mistakes, and even adults cant control how they feel sometimes. Its part of maturing. Have a good day :))
I didn't read anything except the headline, but a first birthday is not really very important. The kid doesn't know what's happening, won't enjoy most of it, can't eat cake, and won't remember it. Why are people treating their children and pets as infinitely precious these days? It's sickening.
It sucks but you are both being assholes here. A 50th is a huge celebration meaningful to both the celebrator and those around them… the 1st bday is a milestone most appreciated by a parent since the child holds no regard….
As someone who come from a LARGE family, a kids first birthday was never really a huge deal. They dont remember. It's for the parents, not the kid. We never made a huge deal till the kid turned 5
Nice to see the husband married a woman just like mom. No wonder they don't like each other. Lol
That is why my friend, EQ and SQ are so so important for a happy, non drama life 😄. Both side are not wise and YTA for saying to MIL that she is a crybaby.
First birthday is not for the kid, it's for the mom. If MILs b-day was something other than full 50, she would be the ah, now it's this lady here.
The kid won’t remember a thing. 50 is a milestone. It wouldn’t have hurt to have the child’s gathering on the Friday evening, at least it gives the in laws an opportunity to participate. So yes, YATA. Have some respect.
Naw I agree with the MIL a 50th is important and the 1st s ridiculous sounds like OP wants all the attention
My son was born on my Mum's birthday, ( which she said was her best ever birthday present ), and every year we both made sure to celebrate both their birthdays together, even if it was for 1 hour after school or a whole day at the weekend, (all depends what day their birthday fell on). Sadly my mum is no longer here but really glad that they got to share their special day together. So I really can't understand why these can't celebrate together as its not just for one year but every year
Not exactly sure why people not liking sharing same birthday with someone..im sharing my birthday with my brothers who are triplets. so on our birthdays, we call our celebration quadruple party. We have more cakes, more food, more presents, and it feels merrier too.
Whoa! I wish I shared a birthday with my siblings! So lucky!
Load More Replies... My son was born on my bday. What a joyful time we have had celebrating his whole life!!He's an adult now, and we just figure out a nice night with us and the fam.
Personally, I would give up any plans I had for my Granddaughter(she has just turned 1) but then I don't put a lot of importance on grown-up birthdays.But it IS her 50th,so if that's important to her ,couldn't the baby have his birthday on the Sunday?
I really feel like the MIL is the bigger AH. She apparently goes crazy every year... years and years of her crazy parties. She should be excited and willing to do anything for her grandchild. She barely showed up for the birth! that's how selfish she is! She will always choose herself over the grandchild... 2 years in a row now. Doesn't matter what you do. The OP probably already figured that out. She could make the baby's Sunday afternoon though if she wanted to keep the peace... or just have a private get-together without MIL. Nothing will ever make the MIL happy... down the road it's always going to be "Choose me or the child." What's going to happen when the child turns 10, she turns 60, and the kid wants to know why Grandma won't spend time with him on his birthday? Let the MIL be a b***h and do what she wants. There's plenty of other family to love the baby.
Although I find that her not showing up to her grandsons birth is extremely rude, it is still my opinion that both of the adults should have been more mature about the situation, despite the past occurrences.
Load More Replies... What if the birthday was on a weekday, you would probably put it off till the weekend, so the 1st birthday can be postponed, even just one day? NTA but just being unreasonable.
100% YTA. A 50th birthday is a milestone. It's a big deal and absolutely should be celebrated. There is no way a kid will remember their first birthday. You could legit have a 1st birthday party on any random Wednesday at 5am... they're just making a big deal of it because, as much as they say it isn't, that party is for them. OP needs to get over themself. This is not at all about them.
Sorry..with the MIL on this one. A baby that age doesn't even know what a birthday is, much less care if it is on-time or not. What will you do for all the other birthdays that fall on a Monday, Tuesday or any other day than the weekend. People will still come to the party even if it's not on the exact day, but to call your MIL a cry baby for wanting a milestone birthday to be special? That's over the line. You're the one being selfish and you need to apologize to your MIL and move the kids celebration to the following weekend.
Literally EVERYONE sucks here. I never understood people who go all out for baby birthdays. I mean, I get it... it's their first one. But it's not even about the kid. It's about the parents. The kids won't remember. Make it a morning thing. Have breakfast & some cake & presents & move on. But also, adults who make a big stink about their birthdays after 21 are annoying as F**K too. This whole family SUCKS!
No. You're not an AH. First birthdays are special as first Christmas, etc. The baby won't remember it, but that's not the point. You want to celebrate your new child's "firsts" like a proud mother. No one should take that away from you or make it seem less important than her old a*s celebrating herself. I would have thought the compromise of an early party for baby, and the lavish party later for the other "baby" is best. I'm sure she could manage to wiggle in a few moments inbetween the hair and makeup to love on her grandchild. Clearly granny is selfish and she's taking your feelings for granted like they are nothing. While I don't think calling her out on her $h*t was cool, I do think that you both as grown a*s women could revisit that 2 parties in one day thing...that could be real fun and it doesn't take anything away from either of you.
I would have been thrilled to have a grandchild born on my birthday. What a present. But I know that a 1 you will never remember the party except for looking at pictures. My family alway does it up big for milestone birthdays. You are just trying to take that away from her. Shame on you. You should apologize, go to her party and reschedule his party for Sunday. He'll never know the difference. And you will have made peace in the family.
No birthday is important. We're celebrating ourselves at the core of the idea. First birthdays are especially useless.
What kind of a milestone is 50th birthday exactly? Yes, it's an anniversary, but just that it. A birthday like any other birthday - just the number is different.
Half a Centurty! Even business make a big deal out of “50 years in business”!
Load More Replies... Let's be honest, the poster was excited the baby was born on the mil birthday to create controversy. She was plotting this exchange for the whole year. It's ridiculous. It's not worth breaking a family apart over tho. Both women are insane. When they both look back this weekend I hope they see how childish it is/ was.
I know for me I would do my child 1st birthday. It's like no other. I did my daughter 1st birthday and she remembers it! The MIL is the one who should be ashamed. I hope the mother didn't listen to these comments and did her child's birthday party. She will have pictures to show her child once she is older as well. The MIL has had 49 birthdays and who's to say if she remembers them all now and especially in the future.
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