Mom Online Asks If She Was Too Harsh To Her Friend After She Confessed Taking Her 4 Y.O. Daughter To See Horses
Now that society is talking more about various mental illnesses and acknowledging them better, sometimes it’s surprising to still hear people dismissing them or making snarky comments about them. There is nothing wrong with not knowing about a certain condition, but to discard one’s mental health illness, trauma or phobia seems to be outright wrong. Reddit user @u/Melodic_Star1697 decided to share her experience of struggling with equinophobia or hippophobia, also known as a fear of horses. Those who struggle from this phobia very often can’t ride horses or even be near them, look at videos or images portraying these animals, and listen to sounds that they make. So the author of the posts decided to reveal the situation that caused her to overthink her phobia even more. The 29-year-old woman also revealed that she has a 4-year-old daughter, Tanya, who becomes very relevant to the story.
More Info: Reddit
A lot of people in the world suffer from various phobias that are less heard of or have fears that sometimes are hard to explain
Image credits: Carlos Ebert ( not the actual image)
The author of the post started her story by revealing that when she was just 8 years old, she was attacked by a horse and since then, despite for her love for animals, she can’t be around horses anymore. She added that a lot of people in her life call it a “phobia,” even though it is actually more reminiscent of a trauma. How is trauma different than a phobia? It’s suggested that a phobia is an irrational fear of something, whereas trauma is triggered by horrible past events (accidents, assaults, disasters, etc.) So because of this reason, the woman decided not to get involved with horses.
29-year-old woman decided to share her experience of having a fear of horses and how she found herself in an uncomfortable situation that involved her best friend
Image credits: u/Melodic_Star1697
Despite of her having a horse phobia, she became best friends with Eliza, who just adores them
Image credits: u/Melodic_Star1697
The only thing, and a crucial detail in this story, is that her best friend Eliza’s life very much revolves around horses. Since high school, she has been very into horses and stayed that way up until adulthood, where now she even owns her own horses. The author of the post shared that despite her phobia, she has never minded that her friend is into something that she is very much afraid of. In the end, it isn’t the only thing that they could bond through.
The author of the story has a 4-year-old that she sometimes leaves with her her best friend Eliza
Image credits: u/Melodic_Star1697
This one particular time, Eliza decided to take Tanya to see horses and even sat her down on one of them, but failed to mention this to the girl’s mom
Image credits: u/Melodic_Star1697
OP shared that Eliza also has a daughter that is of similar age and they have a nice relationship. So when the author of the post asked her friend if she could babysit Tanya so she and her significant other could go to a wedding, Eliza was quick to agree. Tanya’s mom paid for the babysitting and also gave her some money for them all to order takeout.
Little Tanya was very happy about the whole interaction with the horse, however, her mom found this situation uncomfortable and unacceptable
Image credits: Adam Korbuly (not the actual image )
The whole debacle started when OP was returning home after the wedding and had already picked up her daughter from Eliza’s. While the girl was talking about her stay, she mentioned a few things that made her mom uncomfortable. Tanya shared that while staying with Eliza, she “fed the horsey some apples,” and what seemed even worse, she “sat on a horsey.” This didn’t sit well with the mom, so she called her friend and asked what her daughter meant by saying this. At first, Eliza stated that she didn’t know what the girl was talking about, but soon admitted that she took her to see horses and even put her on one.
Once the woman confronted her friend about her daughter seeing the horses, the argument ensued as Eliza blamed her friend for overreacting and passing her phobias onto her daughter
Image credits: u/Melodic_Star1697
Eliza was quick to assure that everything was done safely and that she knows her horses, so nothing bad could happen. However, having in mind OP’s phobia, she wasn’t happy with the situation and got quite mad at her friend for not checking with her first. She was then blamed for overreacting and even passing her own fears to her daughter. But the woman explained what concerned her the most: first of all, she wasn’t sure if her friend put a helmet on Tanya, as she hardly wears it herself. Secondly, the woman felt betrayed as her friend first lied about the whole thing by saying that she didn’t understand what her daughter was talking about.
However, after their argument, the author of the post started doubting herself and so she asked people online if she really was wrong in this situation
Image credits: u/Melodic_Star1697
Because of feeling confused by her own reaction and those around her, the author of the post asked others online if she was really taking all of this too seriously. A lot of Reddit community members agreed with the woman, saying that despite her having the phobia or not, it’s not okay to take a kid to such an activity without consulting the parent first. Even those who ride horses themselves provided some valid points about how unsafe horseback riding sometimes can get. Of course, there were a few commentators who felt that the woman is actually pushing her phobia onto her daughter. What was also discussed was that this situation could’ve been solved by both women communicating more openly with each other. What is your take on this situation? Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!
OP provided others online with some extra information that revealed that Eliza rarely wears a helmet when riding a horse, which seemed very concerning
Image credits: u/Melodic_Star1697
Image credits: Familjen Helsingborg (not the actual image )
Those who don’t have phobias or have never seen person struggling with one might not understand how this really affects one’s life. According to Vantage Point Recovery, a mental health disorder treatment center, those who are “exposed” to their phobia can experience symptoms such as sweatiness or trembling, nausea, breathing difficulties, dizziness, and even increased heart rate.
Why should equinophobia, and other phobias in general, not be dismissed or left uncured? If these severe symptoms mentioned before are ignored, they might cause panic attacks, social isolation, and depression that can lead to substance abuse. Very often, people who suffer from some kind of phobia tend to stay away from sources that might provoke it. So, for example, if you’re afraid of spiders and you see one in your house, it might become difficult to stay there or do common activities just because your mind is constantly occupied with the thoughts of seeing a spider.
Users online supported the author of the post as some of them thought that despite her phobia, it’s not right to take someone’s kid and expose them to possible dangers in the horse-riding field
YTA- quit using your fears to limit your children's happy experiences. The child obviously loved it and was safe. The woman is being out of control her children are going to lose a lot of fun because of her views in life
I agree, all though I am speaking from a VERY biased standpoint. I think that there was no harm done by having a 4 year old sit on a horse's back as that's around the age most children start actually riding horses. Eliza knows her horses and what they can and can't do. Furthermore, I believe OP should educate herself more on horses. She doesn't have to be anywhere near them, but if her daughter wants to be with horses she shouldn't let her own fears get in the way of that.
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ESH - but kinda softly. The friend shouldn't have lied and the Mom shouldn't have freaked out. This seems a big to do over something very small.
But did mom really "freak out?" It sounds like she called her friend to check in what her kid told her, was lied to and then blown off. Talking a child that far away for a risky activity without the parents knowledge is irresponsible. The friend knows OP had strong feelings about horses and presumably why. If she thought it would be okay why not talk to OP about it before hand, or tell OP herself, for that matter? The friend broke trust and should think about that. Not a parent so genuinely curious, would many parents be okay with a friend taking their 4 year old to a public pool/beach without any discussion beforehand? If not, how is this different?
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A very soft ESH. Friend shouldn't have lied about it, but at the same time, the mom overreacted. I do think maybe the friend should have asked about it first perhaps like "oh, is it ok for your daughter to meet my horses" and explain that she will be in safe hands. Otherwise.. that's just it, your daughter was in safe and experienced hands. I would at least request a helmet, however, depending on how large the horse was especially. OP shouldn't let their fears limit their childs experiences, though
Phobia aside, you ask before you take a kid to any activity that is not part of "expected" baby sitting. No riding, no hair cut, no meeting unknown animals, no building tree houses etc. It might even be an insurance issue depending where you live.
it’s trauma-induced because she almost died to a horse broski. gain an IQ
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Having been around horses, it really does depend on the horse. I think OP did overreact a bit. I'd be more concerned about driving 2 hours of she didn't have 2 proper booster seats
Agreed. Not just the age of the horse, but the life the horse once had. My mom has owned 2 horses. One was a fiery ex-racehorse who had injection track marks on his legs from the steroids he had been given. He was more unpredictable, energetic and jumpy than her other horse. My mom just wanted a horse to go on trail rides and to ride in the corral. But that boy was not safe for trail rides after some incidences. So she had to sell him. Her other horse was so laid-back and chill he never wanted to go faster than a canter for a few moments and she wouldn't allow anyone get him going any faster because he had a habit of bucking. I think he did it in retaliation because he hated to run. Most of the time he enjoyed walking and getting brushed.
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I think that the mom shouldn’t pass on her fears but I get why she reacted the way she did. She did write that her daughter probably didn’t have a helmet and that she wouldn’t have minded the daughter petting and feeding the horses. The friend should have just asked, it’s not her child.
I'd say NTA, because the friend knew about the OPs fears and lied to her. But I do think she is projecting at least a little.
It was a d**k move from the friend to lie but it's also awful if this mom saddles her daughter with the same fear of horses. They're beautiful animals and while we should respect them and be careful around them we shouldn't fear them.
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As a horsewoman, I can say this was not safe. Petting and even feeding, if told the safe way to do so. But...you should NOT be instilling your fears on your child. You will rob her of something she might be interested when she gets a little older. And she should NOT be putting anyone, including herself, on a horse without a helmet!!
NTA. She is Not using her fears on her daughter. Bff didn't ask, then lied. It is dangerous. Mom said she would have been fine if it was just feeding and petting. But even then, she should have asked.
Grew up on a farm, all animals can be dangerous. So can cars, people, planes, buses.... and on an on. Don't project your fear onto others. I feel sorry for her child.
I'm actually surprised to see so many people on thr friend's side. This is a clear boundary violation and was actually very dangerous. Horses are beautiful, but also very powerful creatures. Growing up riding horses, i had several close call encounters, and have been bucked off numerous times. The mom has a phobia, but even if she didn't, what the friend did is not okay.
Speaking as someone who lost a close friend to an accident with a horse and who is as a result absolutely petrified of them - YTA. We all have our fears and sometimes projecting them on our children is unavoidable, but here it wasn't. I'd have been thrilled if a friend gave my kids an opportunity I couldn't because of my fears.
I agree, I'm sorry for your loss, my example is nothing compared, but I was traumatised by a horse when I was 4-5, and I can't imagine wanting to pass that same fear on. A good healthy respect for animals is a great thing to have. I also am going on a limb to say, my parents never knew what I was doing when I stayed with friends or was babysat. They trusted the people I was with, and that was enough, it was up to them to decide what they did, as they were kind enough to have me. I don't think the friend is AH at all, and that she should not have been expected to ask permission. I would be willing to bet she didn't even realise it was an issue until confronted by the OP, who was probably a bit more worked up than she'd care to admit, hence the initial denying it happened.
Load More Replies... I'm torn about this, and have my own views that may be unpopular because I know Eliza probably meant well, and wanted to provide a chance to experience being around a horse likely for the first time ever. HOWEVER, I will say, regardless of the parent's phobia, something like this should've been approved by the mom, beforehand, and not lied about like that in case something were to happen. Even if the horse was just standing there, and Eliza was holding Tanya, I have to ask who was keeping control of the horse? A horse can spook, shake, step on a foot, buck, rear, kick, and a small child could fall off easily and get injured. There's a reason there's horse ridership lessons. Although horses seem gentle, domesticated animals, they're heavier, stronger, wilder than us, and not predictable. Eliza forgot about being responsible with someone else's child in favor of her love of horses. But I think mom was overreacting a bit.
This is wrong but the friend should have asked rather than lie and take her there. I can see why though. She obviously believes that an incident in the OP's childhood should not affect the happiness and experience of her own child. She would be right. Having a phobia or trauma from a childhood event and being hyper vigilant about exposure or interaction is understandable. However she should definitely not project this onto her own kid. I know it's a silly comparison but a person constantly screaming when a spider is near will more often than not condition their children to do exactly the same and why? What for? She needs to let her kid find their own dislikes and likes in life and not influence that to that degree.
You are both in the wrong... your friend should of consulted with you if it was okay to take YOUR child to an activity that is clearly uncomfortable to you.With the history of friendship you have she should of known better. But! since the event already happened, you should see that you are projecting your negative trauma onto your child. Its mentioned that something happened to you as a child which then cause you to fear horses. However there is a difference from being born with the fear and a traumatic event that causes the fear. Why not try to over come that fear and show your daughter that your are courageous and fearless !? Instead of fear and hate towards the animal. A good parent looks out for their child's best interest and de-reflecting our own insecurities is one of them. Good luck! :) PS. Also ask yourself ... is losing this friend something you would regret? Good friends are hard to come by and if this person is worth it. Talk to each other. ;)
Have an uninterrupted conversation with your friend. Clearly explain that she needs to check with you before doing something like that again. If she apologizes, forgive her. People who do not have "phobias" do not understand. You probably relived your trauma when your daughter told you about her day. Your fear of horses is justified. She just didn't think about what she was doing because she probably has never had the fear you have. I would not wish that on anyone.
NTA, an absolute #NoGo if you ask me. If you have a #Phobia or any other #MentalHealthIssue your friends have to respect & accept that, period. I have #Agoraphobia myself, many people mock about it/me because I let the elevator here in the skyscraper pass when 3 or more neighbours are already in it and get it back empty for me to take it to the 5th floor where I live or down from there. I never had a therapy because until about 6 months ago I was still able to take my bike when I had to get downtown to a specialist doctor or so, now I need a walker and would have to use the bus, a taxi is too expensive for me who´s on #SocialSecurity, and for an ambulant visit the health insurance doesn´t give you a taxi ticket. But to get a certificate about the agoraphobia I´d have to get downtown to a psychiatrist somehow, so it´s a kind of devil´s circle, as we Germans say. Mental health issues are diseases like the physical ones are either.
It's the mom's phobia, not the daughter's. Mom will just pass this into her daughter if she doesn't let her experience things.
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YTA- quit using your fears to limit your children's happy experiences. The child obviously loved it and was safe. The woman is being out of control her children are going to lose a lot of fun because of her views in life
I agree, all though I am speaking from a VERY biased standpoint. I think that there was no harm done by having a 4 year old sit on a horse's back as that's around the age most children start actually riding horses. Eliza knows her horses and what they can and can't do. Furthermore, I believe OP should educate herself more on horses. She doesn't have to be anywhere near them, but if her daughter wants to be with horses she shouldn't let her own fears get in the way of that.
Load More Replies... ESH - but kinda softly. The friend shouldn't have lied and the Mom shouldn't have freaked out. This seems a big to do over something very small.
But did mom really "freak out?" It sounds like she called her friend to check in what her kid told her, was lied to and then blown off. Talking a child that far away for a risky activity without the parents knowledge is irresponsible. The friend knows OP had strong feelings about horses and presumably why. If she thought it would be okay why not talk to OP about it before hand, or tell OP herself, for that matter? The friend broke trust and should think about that. Not a parent so genuinely curious, would many parents be okay with a friend taking their 4 year old to a public pool/beach without any discussion beforehand? If not, how is this different?
Load More Replies... A very soft ESH. Friend shouldn't have lied about it, but at the same time, the mom overreacted. I do think maybe the friend should have asked about it first perhaps like "oh, is it ok for your daughter to meet my horses" and explain that she will be in safe hands. Otherwise.. that's just it, your daughter was in safe and experienced hands. I would at least request a helmet, however, depending on how large the horse was especially. OP shouldn't let their fears limit their childs experiences, though
Phobia aside, you ask before you take a kid to any activity that is not part of "expected" baby sitting. No riding, no hair cut, no meeting unknown animals, no building tree houses etc. It might even be an insurance issue depending where you live.
it’s trauma-induced because she almost died to a horse broski. gain an IQ
Load More Replies... Having been around horses, it really does depend on the horse. I think OP did overreact a bit. I'd be more concerned about driving 2 hours of she didn't have 2 proper booster seats
Agreed. Not just the age of the horse, but the life the horse once had. My mom has owned 2 horses. One was a fiery ex-racehorse who had injection track marks on his legs from the steroids he had been given. He was more unpredictable, energetic and jumpy than her other horse. My mom just wanted a horse to go on trail rides and to ride in the corral. But that boy was not safe for trail rides after some incidences. So she had to sell him. Her other horse was so laid-back and chill he never wanted to go faster than a canter for a few moments and she wouldn't allow anyone get him going any faster because he had a habit of bucking. I think he did it in retaliation because he hated to run. Most of the time he enjoyed walking and getting brushed.
Load More Replies... I think that the mom shouldn’t pass on her fears but I get why she reacted the way she did. She did write that her daughter probably didn’t have a helmet and that she wouldn’t have minded the daughter petting and feeding the horses. The friend should have just asked, it’s not her child.
I'd say NTA, because the friend knew about the OPs fears and lied to her. But I do think she is projecting at least a little.
It was a d**k move from the friend to lie but it's also awful if this mom saddles her daughter with the same fear of horses. They're beautiful animals and while we should respect them and be careful around them we shouldn't fear them.
Load More Replies... As a horsewoman, I can say this was not safe. Petting and even feeding, if told the safe way to do so. But...you should NOT be instilling your fears on your child. You will rob her of something she might be interested when she gets a little older. And she should NOT be putting anyone, including herself, on a horse without a helmet!!
NTA. She is Not using her fears on her daughter. Bff didn't ask, then lied. It is dangerous. Mom said she would have been fine if it was just feeding and petting. But even then, she should have asked.
Grew up on a farm, all animals can be dangerous. So can cars, people, planes, buses.... and on an on. Don't project your fear onto others. I feel sorry for her child.
I'm actually surprised to see so many people on thr friend's side. This is a clear boundary violation and was actually very dangerous. Horses are beautiful, but also very powerful creatures. Growing up riding horses, i had several close call encounters, and have been bucked off numerous times. The mom has a phobia, but even if she didn't, what the friend did is not okay.
Speaking as someone who lost a close friend to an accident with a horse and who is as a result absolutely petrified of them - YTA. We all have our fears and sometimes projecting them on our children is unavoidable, but here it wasn't. I'd have been thrilled if a friend gave my kids an opportunity I couldn't because of my fears.
I agree, I'm sorry for your loss, my example is nothing compared, but I was traumatised by a horse when I was 4-5, and I can't imagine wanting to pass that same fear on. A good healthy respect for animals is a great thing to have. I also am going on a limb to say, my parents never knew what I was doing when I stayed with friends or was babysat. They trusted the people I was with, and that was enough, it was up to them to decide what they did, as they were kind enough to have me. I don't think the friend is AH at all, and that she should not have been expected to ask permission. I would be willing to bet she didn't even realise it was an issue until confronted by the OP, who was probably a bit more worked up than she'd care to admit, hence the initial denying it happened.
Load More Replies... I'm torn about this, and have my own views that may be unpopular because I know Eliza probably meant well, and wanted to provide a chance to experience being around a horse likely for the first time ever. HOWEVER, I will say, regardless of the parent's phobia, something like this should've been approved by the mom, beforehand, and not lied about like that in case something were to happen. Even if the horse was just standing there, and Eliza was holding Tanya, I have to ask who was keeping control of the horse? A horse can spook, shake, step on a foot, buck, rear, kick, and a small child could fall off easily and get injured. There's a reason there's horse ridership lessons. Although horses seem gentle, domesticated animals, they're heavier, stronger, wilder than us, and not predictable. Eliza forgot about being responsible with someone else's child in favor of her love of horses. But I think mom was overreacting a bit.
This is wrong but the friend should have asked rather than lie and take her there. I can see why though. She obviously believes that an incident in the OP's childhood should not affect the happiness and experience of her own child. She would be right. Having a phobia or trauma from a childhood event and being hyper vigilant about exposure or interaction is understandable. However she should definitely not project this onto her own kid. I know it's a silly comparison but a person constantly screaming when a spider is near will more often than not condition their children to do exactly the same and why? What for? She needs to let her kid find their own dislikes and likes in life and not influence that to that degree.
You are both in the wrong... your friend should of consulted with you if it was okay to take YOUR child to an activity that is clearly uncomfortable to you.With the history of friendship you have she should of known better. But! since the event already happened, you should see that you are projecting your negative trauma onto your child. Its mentioned that something happened to you as a child which then cause you to fear horses. However there is a difference from being born with the fear and a traumatic event that causes the fear. Why not try to over come that fear and show your daughter that your are courageous and fearless !? Instead of fear and hate towards the animal. A good parent looks out for their child's best interest and de-reflecting our own insecurities is one of them. Good luck! :) PS. Also ask yourself ... is losing this friend something you would regret? Good friends are hard to come by and if this person is worth it. Talk to each other. ;)
Have an uninterrupted conversation with your friend. Clearly explain that she needs to check with you before doing something like that again. If she apologizes, forgive her. People who do not have "phobias" do not understand. You probably relived your trauma when your daughter told you about her day. Your fear of horses is justified. She just didn't think about what she was doing because she probably has never had the fear you have. I would not wish that on anyone.
NTA, an absolute #NoGo if you ask me. If you have a #Phobia or any other #MentalHealthIssue your friends have to respect & accept that, period. I have #Agoraphobia myself, many people mock about it/me because I let the elevator here in the skyscraper pass when 3 or more neighbours are already in it and get it back empty for me to take it to the 5th floor where I live or down from there. I never had a therapy because until about 6 months ago I was still able to take my bike when I had to get downtown to a specialist doctor or so, now I need a walker and would have to use the bus, a taxi is too expensive for me who´s on #SocialSecurity, and for an ambulant visit the health insurance doesn´t give you a taxi ticket. But to get a certificate about the agoraphobia I´d have to get downtown to a psychiatrist somehow, so it´s a kind of devil´s circle, as we Germans say. Mental health issues are diseases like the physical ones are either.
It's the mom's phobia, not the daughter's. Mom will just pass this into her daughter if she doesn't let her experience things.
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