“The Whole Table Went Silent”: Person Calls Brother’s GF A Gold Digger After She Googled The Cost Of Their Christmas Gifts
The unfortunate reality is that some people are only interested in you because of how fat your wallet is. They’re in it for the cash, not out of any genuine feelings of love or friendship. Eventually realizing this can hurt quite a bit. They’re not who you think they were—you feel betrayed. However, not everyone is quite ready for the harsh truth.
Redditor u/golddiggergoogle opened up about a particularly strange Christmas celebration at their house. They’d invited their parents, as well as their brother, along with his girlfriend of seven months. Things quickly took a bizarre turn when she started inquiring about how much everything cost. The tension rose when she actually started researching how expensive the gifts were, and commenting on it.
This prompted the redditor to call their brother’s partner out for her behavior. They called her “the world’s most diligent gold digger.” Read on for the full story. Do you think the author of the post was a jerk or did they do nothing wrong? What would you have done, dear Pandas? Be sure to share your thoughts in the comments—we’d love to hear what you think.
It’s tacky and rude to ask your hosts how much everything costs. Apparently, not everyone got the memo
Image credits: Eugene Zhyvchik (not the actual photo)
A person shared how they called out their brother’s girlfriend after she displayed some very gold digger-like behavior
Image credits: golddiggergoogle
Image credits: Kelsey Chance (not the actual photo)
Most people would agree that the brother’s girlfriend behaved outrageously. Asking how much everything costs isn’t something you do in polite company. Especially if you’ve been invited for the holidays. In short: don’t Google how much everyone’s gifts cost; but if you do, don’t start proclaiming the total amount on Christmas Day. Just… don’t.
So, generally, many internet users definitely agree that the woman blundered across countless social and ethical boundaries. The only real question that remains is whether the OP stepped over the line with how they called her out.
Many redditors felt like the author did nothing wrong, and that they shouldn’t apologize for how forward they were during the awkward interaction. Though some internet users wondered if the term, ‘gold digger’ was the right one here, the consensus was more or less that the girlfriend acted in a rude, bizarre, and tacky way.
A major red flag that indicates someone’s in the relationship just for the money is that they never offer to pay for anything. Someone who really loves you would buy you small gifts from time to time, would offer to pay for meals or activities. If they don’t have a lot of money, the offer to go Dutch is what shows their dedication and willingness to sacrifice something for you.
On the flip side, someone who never speaks up when the bill comes along probably expects you to pay for everything. That’s not a good sign if you’re in the relationship for the long term!
The point of all of this is that financial stability is an important aspect of any relationship. And both partners ought to be on the same page about their expectations and any possible money problems. And that’s key here—honesty! If one partner isn’t being genuine with their feelings and financial intentions, there’s not much hope for a bright future.
The story got a lot of attention online. Here’s what some readers said and how the author reacted to their comments
I think she probably just grew up in a very different socioeconomic bracket. It was probably surreal to see how much money they were spending so casually. Calling her a "gold digger" was uncalled for because it wasn't gold digger behaviour. She she received a gift and scoffed at it because it was cheap, then that name would be appropriate. I do agree it's also inappropriate to be asking people the costs of such things though...
That’s what I think too. My mother does this constantly and I think it’s because she grew up poor and worrying about money and how much things cost has become deeply ingrained, we joke about her being a golddigger sometimes but she absolutely isn’t.
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Ok ... I might catch flack for this... But it didn't seem that the girlfriend's tone was judgy, just curious. I can't fault her for being curious and perhaps she just grew up in a family where they talked about this stuff openly and had no idea. If that's the case the boyfriend is an AH for not pulling her aside himself after her first comment. Curiosity is forgivable. If she was catty (which it doesn't sound like she is) then she's a golddigger
I agree with you. It sounds like innocent ignorance, like she didn’t know it wasn’t polite. It also sounds like she was surprised at how much things cost, like they were all more expensive than she thought. Maybe trust fund baby cutoff and in the real world for the first time? Maybe grew up in a lower SES and wasn’t accustomed to being around things this expensive? It sounds like there’s a reason behind it all. Gold digger doesn’t sound right, she wasn’t poor shaming it demanding more expensive things for herself. But, I also don’t understand this don’t talk about money social rule. I know it’s a thing, but it doesn’t make sense to why we can’t talk about how much we make, how much our house cost and how we’re paying it off, what we plan to save for retirement, etc. I do talk about these things openly with people. But not in a bragging or judgemental way. Just discussing how best to handle finances. Are salaried fair at work? Things like that.
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I don't know, I found the tone like someone said almost autistic, like she seemed completely unaware that it was inappropriate, and maybe even thought she was complimenting them
I agree She seams to be in the Spectrum, and we say " dumb " c**p like this every time, its not meant as an insult, its ( at least for me ) perfectly normal conversation, and unless someone Tells me not to say this or that, i don't even notice Im being a twat.
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I used to do this all the time as a young woman. I was unaware that it was rude. Yes, really. This need to calculate the cost of things comes from a place of deep anxiety over a lack of money. It is a sign of someone who has experienced extreme poverty. Money is air, water, food and medicine . As a kid, being raised by a single mother, I often was made to skip meals and medicine. I had to go one summer, without shoes. I eventually went to go live with my dad and his wife. It was a little better, but his wife would constantly complain about the cost of things and would yell at store employees if she thought something was too expensive. I ended up working for 5 years before I could go to a university. DON'T be fooled by someone's appearance or education or social standing. I was a very attractive, educated and well dressed woman in my late 20s and I talked about the cost of things all the time. I stopped when a true friend explained that it was considered rude to do so.
I think this is a misunderstanding and comes down to a disconnect between social classes. I totally see how these questions may come off as rude and inappropriate, but I don't see malicious intent here. As someone who grew up in a poverty environment, I was painfully unaware that people who grew up in mega finacial privilege didn't discuss money out loud like this. My husband's family (wealthy) also labeled me a gold digger for the similar behavior and I genuinely didn't understand why until his aunt said I wasn't supposed to talk about money or how much I spent on something (which was funny because I'd brag about my thrifty shopping and how cheap I may have gotten something, not how expensive something was). So imma go with esh on this one.
I, too, grew up very poor, and share my joy when I am able to get something for a song, and hope I don't sound weird when I do that. I don't know if people know why I tell them. I'm not bragging, I'm showing my happiness. (They probably don't understand). It's deeply ingrained in people who grew up with poverty, to worry constantly about money, even when that problem has been 'solved', because you never know when you'll be back there.
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You get one warning in private, the one the brother should have given her, if that doesn't work, the next lesson is delivered in the same forum as the offence.
According to the op at the end it was painfully clear nobody talked to her about it.
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In my circle of family and friends, it's quite normal to ask how much things cost. It's often with the mind of "if someday I fancy buying the same thing, how much can I expect to spend for it". Of course, I would not say what the girlfriend said during a dinner or putting someone on the spot but I would not have been shocked either to hear such a comment. The gold digger remark would be more shocking to me but I know people have different views. I still remember asking my colleague how much his bike cost (again, thinking I may want to but one someday, or at least to know what a bike usually cost, as I've never looked into it) and him getting upset...
The thing is you discuss money with family and friends not with someone you have just met and want to make an impression on. The first clue for her should have been the " more than i like" comment about decorations. If she asks about price of 1 thing they coul maybe think it is a bit weird. But itemising their belongings and asking about salary like that shows she has no class. The sole question about salary is a no no unless you are super close even at work . She should know already
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I think the OP could have handled this with a bit more tact. OP could have just said to Lindsay, privately or even in front of everyone, that her fixation on costs is not something that need concern her. I don't think it was necessary to humiliate her or call her names.
If it's one thing I've personally experienced in my life, the more money you have seems to offer you less tact and appreciation for those you don't personally know. I'm just one person though, my experiences obviously don't speak for everyone.
Load More Replies... I don't understand why everyone is so eager to excuse the GF. Maybe she's poor, and grew up in a barn, and thus has the manners of a cow. I grew up poor, and I'm not ill-mannered enough to tell someone I'm not sure how they can do anything in January because of what they spent on gifts. That's insane. It's one thing that she kept commenting on prices, but to literally say you spent $x so how can you do y is....something else. That's a judgmental comment right there.
And yes, my family does discuss prices and talk about money very openly. In college I would discuss money with my low income friends and that was normal for us. But it's bizarre that she would do this in a social circle that clearly doesn't appreciate talking about finances. I don't think enough of us are calling out the brother, either. He obviously knew (or should have known) the family's attitudes towards this discussion, and he definitely knew about Lindsay's...disposition. He obviously didn't prep Lindsay/his family enough and even when his sister told him Lindsay was out of line...he evidently didn't feel the need to address it with her. He's happy to demand an apology after the fact, but he could've prevented the whole situation.
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So did James actually not talk to Lindsay, or did the OP just assume he didn't? How come no one actually tried to ask Lindsay what that was with her comments, not even the boyfriend, it seems? So the OP is upset and wants to call Lindsay out on her behavior, knowing that her brother is fully aware of the issue and considers it "normal for her", i.e. clearly doesn't think of it as particularly problematic. So why even ask him to talk to her? You are the one having a problem with her behavior, not him, so why not talk to her directly, starting with something like "okay, Lindsay, I see that money is a very sensitive issue for you. However, we all here consider it most inappropriate to talk about it the way you do, and would very much like you to stop it as it makes us extremely uncomfortable'" and then listen to what she has to say? Why go straight for insults? Even traffic lights show you some yellow before going all red on you.
Yeah, evasive answers to Lindsay's first few questions should have been the yellow light, but you know what? People unable to read social cues really exist, and it's not always their fault that they can't.
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You don't ask how much something costs. Ever. It is not your damn business. Mind the business that pays you.
Yeah this actually varies greatly culture to culture and even family to family ( often based on socio-economic status). It may have been normal questions in her family or she may have just been overwhelmed by the family's opulence ( big tree, artworks by named artists whose catalog values you could look up online etc), particularly if she grew up poor.
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The way I was raised, you didn't go into someone else's house and ask questions about how much the decor cost. If this young lady is on the spectrum, then her behavior is understandable, but it doesn't seem that she is like that. Most people would have stopped asking after repeatedly getting the questions ignored. The brother was supposed to talk to her about this and apparently he never did. The fact that she calculated the cost of all of the gifts doesn't sound normal to me. Lindsay's behavior was rude and the OP gave her rude back. Maybe next time, she won't ask financial questions about someone else's home.
Had someone do this to me, years ago. Easy solution, I simply shut her down and said this is neither the time nor the place for an audit, she should call back in the morning and I could make an appointment. Never invited her back again, neither did anyone else who met her that night!
It sounds like: she was trying to find out, who has the most money, and who would be the best financial fit for her. NTA! Don't be surprised if she hits you up for a date!
Everyone is focused on the questions she asked but for me it's the googling of every individual gift and totalling everything up. This is not social awkwardness, it is something more. Change your security codes.
Load More Replies... I'm not getting judgy or diggy from this girl. I'm getting "I have no idea what to talk about, here's this one subject I'm going to cling to as a result". I think people are quick to assume all kinds of things about people they don't or barely know. It's pretty easy to insult a family if you come from a totally different social environment. When I was out visiting England, I was totally ignorant to the accent. Obviously I'd heard it before in movies but I've never talked to anyone who was british. I kept misunderstanding certain words or not understanding them at all because the accent was so off and they always looked at me like I was stupid or I was trying to insult them. The truth was I just didn't know what they were saying. I always tried my best to be polite. So I understand to a degree. That being said, who knows, she could be a good digger. That's the entire point of my post. I don't know her, and I have one side to this multi level story.
As a child, I was taught that asking how much something was, showed a lack of home training. I also have a friend who is like that, and I told her that she wasn't ever going to get a gift from me, because I wouldn't appreciate my gift being deemed worthy by how much I spent on it. I got her a gift card once before I knew this about her, and she really liked it, but she knows where I stand now. There's no excuse, except someone didn't take the time, or made the effort to teach your brother's girlfriend any manners. I would've, or my family, especially my parents would've said the same thing, because that's how it comes across. It doesn't matter if she grew up with money, or not, manners are manners, and I've known people who lived paycheck to paycheck, and they still wouldn't of asked those kind of questions. You don't owe anyone an apology, and tell your brother to keep her away from family events if she keeps this behavior up, and to quit shrugging it off as ".That's just her".
Yes, this is how my brother's wife is. It only gets worse if not nipped in the butt now. She's been married to my brother for almost 20 years and still doesn't get things she says are out of line. Now no one in my family wants her around, we all hate her. My brother would always say, "that's just leañne"and never corrected her. OP is definitely NTA and doesn't owe anyone an apology.
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NTA. The girlfriend needed a serious reality check, as in what is proper social behavior. I don't care what socioeconomic class or group you're from. It's never appropriate to ask people about what they spend. She was incredibly rude, incredibly nosy and she deserved what she got. This is something that most 5-year-olds would be taught by their parents. And the girlfriend didn't do snoop just once, which would have been bad enough and forgivable she did it repeatedly. The girlfriend needs a gift of the Miss Manners books. Every volume of it.
You can go to the original reddit post via a small link at the bottom of the story
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If she asked about a price the first time, she should have been cued that the host does not want to divulge when it was not answered. But she kept going. She is obviousky not used to such extravagance and is just excited, and socially awkward. She will probably never shut up unless called out, and it should have been his bf's responsibility. Come to think of it, the host and the gf are both rude. :)
She could have come from a different social environment, she could be autistic, this is the problem I was talking about in my other post. People are just so ready to judge and accuse and condemn people they know a lick about. You get one side of a multi-tier story and suddenly you're a f****** genius I know the person's entire life story. If anything's rude it's that kind of sub human judgement.
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Nta who the duck does that. I was brought up to thank the person for the gift weather I like it or not. Then just move on.
OP was right and doesn't owe an apology. She acted out in the family group so the family group is probably the place to call her on it. Or, he could have stopped her right there saying this isn't the time or place to discuss this, and ask to speak to her and his brother in private. Just explain to her it is not appropriate to inquire about the cost of other people's belongings, that is their business. I have to agree with some posters, she may be a high functioning on the autistic spectrum, with severe OCD. OP you really want to mend fences, take the high road. Only apology you may want to express is that you didn't talk with her in private. But her actions took everyone by surprise and you had a knee jerk response. She was wrong in what she did, whether she realizes it or not. It happened, it's over, mend fences and let it go. Encourage everyone to just let it go now.
I don't think "gold digger" is correct term, but her behaviour is bizzare. It sounds like she has zero social skills and does not realize it's inappropriate. Even if counting cost of items is her hobby, she should keep quiet about it.
I said are you going to buy one , then you don't need to know how much it cost.
Accountant. Lol. Well I wonder what she does for a real living then? And it's your house so you can say what you want. Because it was probably what everyone wanted to say.
She sounds like she may have autism. My son does the same thing, he loves numbers and doesn't understand sometimes that some things are better left unsaid.
NTA, she asked for someone to put her in her place. If he didn't handle it after being spoken to then you have every right. Your house, your gathering, your family and she was making things uncomfortable. She is a gold digger or a their. Wgich one brother?
Sometimes people need to be put in their place before grace can save them. Tacky as it might be she might like numbers. Finances are private period. I loved the drama it was brilliant and on point. If she is brought in a family accountant isn't a bad thing just ask for the family discount rate! I'm someone always looking for a bargain but as I taught my children paying for quality is an investment and sometimes that means paying full price. Both are acceptable. If you manage money well you can have expensive things and inexpensive things. She might not understand balancing wealth.
I think she probably grew up in a very poor family and was surprised by everything. It's pretty obvious that she wasn't taught any social grace. I get the feeling that she didn't realize that she was being inappropriate. If your brother had spoken to her, this could have been avoided. Gold diggers generally have an aire of superiority as they this they are so important and deserving of the best. This case sounds more like a shocked poor kid. I was raised in a por household and honestly still to this day, (I'm 57), the first thing that pops into my mind is how much things cost. Maybe have a conversation with them both, explain how her comments made you and your family feel. Look at it as education for her. You don't want a permanent rift in the family if they end up getting married.
NTA. If she really didn't recognize her own rudeness, now she's been educated. Your brother should have already known better since all the rest of your family does.
tbh, I'm leaning towards ESH, she ignored the signs at the table at night when everyone avoided her questions and continued doing accounting. Brother should have spoken up then but didn't. Golddigger comment possibly a little harsh but who comes to a house and starts adding up the costs and pass comment on how much money they are spending - it's nothing to do with them. Why would you check out what the art sells for?
OP's comment shut gf down so it was perfect. No apologies necessary. GF wouldn't mean it and OP shouldn't have to speak to her again.
Your brother’s gf sounds like someone who came from a less affluent family than yours and is dazzled by all the trappings of money. That being said, it is crass to enquire about the costs/price of things. That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a gold digger, though. I would probably have said something along the lines of “it sounds like you are very focused on money, but we prefer not to discuss financial details with our guests”.
The whole situation could have been avoided if your chicken sh*t brother had spoken to her like he agreed. I don't think she was being malicious or anything, I think she's just maybe a bit dumb? Or maybe this is how it's done in her family and it never occurred to her it's not the norm. Again, brother should have nipped it in the bud. But I think NTA for calling out her incredibly rude and crass behavior. And no, you do not owe her an apology (but your brother owes you one big time).
If the gifts were really expensive she might have been uncomfortable receiving them I feel awkward at all times receiving a gift. She might definitely not be used to extravagance. I think gold digger is not the appropriate term. Did the bf asked her the reason for these queries perhaps she was getting nervous being around rich people. I think the bf's brother is snooty labelling anything he doesn't understand. She says that since so much money has been spent she was not expecting anything more to be spent that's how I read it.
Firstly I dont get the gold digger reference, she maybe massively inappropriate but that's it. Secondly, the sister is also inappropriate for being so hostile to a guest in her home. Thirdly, I think the fact that the sister sought vindication for her reaction tells me that she perhaps felt that she over stepped the mark. Embarrassing somebody like that will not be something that can be she can come back from. Finally I feel she has damaged her relationship with her brother who now will have to take his girlfriends side or break up with her. Sad situation altogether!
Golddiggers are not deliberately obvious. Sounds neurodivergent to me. Borderline AH move.
All the examples OP gave really just sounded like she was simply curious as to how much everything cost, especially the painting one and christmas tree one. Might be the only one but i think you and your family just overreacted to everything
I grew up poor and tend to do this myself. I remind my daughter things like, "This is tupperware and cost a lot. I need it back."
All comments are accurate to a point, but here's another scenario... I have a student who, being autistic, but highly functional, asks the same question about everything... "How much?" Whether it be the cost of something, how much I get paid, etc... Sometimes, I think, brains are wired differently, and the person doesn't actually know they are being socially rude... Just a thought.
I don't usually need to say this much(so pardon my language) but... What a d**k
"Everyone knows not to talk about money and the cost of things in polite company" ... I really hate America's aversiob to openly discussing wealth. This is a classic practice that arose as "polite" due to corporate propaganda trying to preven workers from knowing how much everyone else was making. Makes it much easier for certain workers to be exploited. This logic being perpetuated by these redditors is one of the main reasons why wealth inequality has gotten to be as bad as it is. I am also very surprised absolutely none of the redditors arr giving the obviously (financially) poorer GF thr benefit of the doubt and asking about how much these gifts were costing. I don't know about all of you... but I would be extremely uncomfortable if I was being gifts that cost more than a $1000 each.
Her making what she probably is thinking of as "jokes" is probably just a coping mechanism for her dealing with the culture shock she is experiencing from witnessing just how much wealth higher socioeconomic classes are hoarding.
Load More Replies... How are they in universal agrrement that this is a NTA moment? She didn't even sound like she was "golddigging" here... just asking questions about how much things costs which indicates more that she comes ftom a lower socioeconomic bavkground. Also, how much these gifts cost was also conveniently left out. I'm just gonna say it: I yoo would be flabbergasted and quite focused on cost if someone casually giving out multiple gifts to me that costs thousands of dollars. It's actually kinda nasty what he did here because it sounds like it could be a case of classism. I would say... I need somr more context, but as of right now: I'm siding with the poor person here who likely didn't mean much by their comment.
Some people are money obsessed this way. They want to know how much every thing costs and how much every one makes. My mom is like this. She would intentionally leave the price tag on gifts so people would know how much she spent. She was definitely not a good digger; she worked hard in a minimum-wage job every day of her life and wanted people to know that she never skimped on giving.
NITA! You pretty much shut her down because your and family's finances are NONE OF HER BUSINESS! Why is she so concerned? And no, you DO NOT owe her an apology because she's under your roof and it's disrespectful and TOTALLY rude to be asking personal questions like your finances. She should've used her brain to be smart and not to be stupid and made a compliment like, "your Christmas decor is lovely!" And kept her mouth shut. So, maybe it's best that she's no longer welcome in your home and if your brother is mad then he should let you know when he's stopping by to see the family WITHOUT her.
NTA. This gold digger needs some lessons in manners and tact! Also, as some one else had posted, change your security codes! Who the eff asks such dumb questions, or even looks up the worth of items on Google in people’s homes?! I don’t get why the fool of a brother didn’t talk to the gold digger girlfriend to shut her pie hole with her intrusive questions after the step dad or dad, I forget who it was that pulled the brother aside to ask him what the eff was going on with his girlfriend’s intrusive questions?!
She sounds like she is on the ASD spectrum - High functioning Autistic and not diagnosed. I have noticed this behavior by them over the past 50 years. They are very inquisitive to the relation of items and cost. Golddiggers will Complain/Snub the cost as if everything is not good enough to their standards. They would not respond the same. ASD behavior is socially awkward. They really try to fit in, & often don't see how their repetitive focused/persistent behavior is not the norm. My husband and I grew up together, married close to 30 years. This was him! Now my son has been diagnosed with High Functioning Asperger's-Autistic (ASD). Vaccine injury awakening of men in his fam My husband is a dentist, with a serious finance hobby (to the penny). I see this with many doctors, engineers, IT, finance related fields. They are more outgoing when w/ someone they like or a friend that can overlook it. Wishing you and your family all the best!
She sounds like a possible Asperger's/Autism Spectrum -High functioning and/or amazed by a different change of scenery and truly inquisitive. They are socially different! So many are Undiagnosed. Look at Bill Gates, Bill Murry, many doctors, engineers, finance and IT professionals just for starters. They will try to fit in. Money seems to be a curious conversation I noticed between most of them. Looking back my childhood friend, now husband of almost 30 yrs, was somewhat like this and never diagnosed. Now a dentist with a true 'finance' hobby. He and I would now win the Price Is Right. My youngest son is also on the spectrum. I have spent years studying this topic to speak out and help others. Most golddiggers would have Complained or Snubbed your items, meal not being highend enough, household items appears cheap, type of vacation selected not expensive enough. Wishing you and your family all the best!
Some people just don't know any better. It could have been something her own mother did and she grew up thinking it was normal. BTW definitely NOT a golddigger. Golddiggers don't Google prices... They already know how much everything costs. They add it all up in their tiny little golddigging brains, and then they STFU about it so everyone isn't "on to them." Sister was the AH to a socially awkward young lady who just didn't know any better and was overwhelmed by all the wealth on display around her.
YTA. Yes her behavior was disgraceful, but you're assuming she new better and did it anyway. She probably grew up in a home where that was normal and really didn't know any better. A true gold digger, someone putting on an act to get in good with a wealthy man would never have done such a thing.
They both just seem like idiots. Lindsay has no social skills whatsoever and OP doesn’t know what a gold digger is.
Not as bad as Lindsay, but my husband is very much like that. We rarely have a conversation (with ANYONE) where cost, money, time, distance doesn't come into it. He's just a numbers freak and has to know the ins and outs of a duck's behind. It's so embarrassing! He doesn't realise he's doing it. I say he's nosy and intrusive; he says he's just curious. He has a well-paid job and certainly did not grow up poor. He just can't function without his numbers. Drives me crazy because I'm the opposite. I couldn't care less about how much things cost or how long it takes to get somewhere. It is what it is.
Sounds like maybe you guys are wealthy and she's just shocked because it is outside of her norm. But yeah.... def wanna keep those thoughts to yourself. Not all poor people have etiquette. Luckily my poor a*s was raised right! Hahaha!
He is the as$hole. What I don't understand is why the brother didn't just say to the girlfriend "Hey, the money talk is making me feel uncomfortable. I am making a simple request that you stop. Thanks." Why the hell do people go to level 10 without simply talking to the other party??
It's rude to talk about how much things cost if it's not necessary to do so, but it's also rude to dress down a guest at the dinner table.
One thing not mentioned by the OP was the age of this girl. Her comments about the cost of everything make her sound really young and immature. She also appeared to lack boundaries with people she just met. But if she is holding down a job she can’t be that young and should have learned better on how to interact with co-workers.
YTA. Not to the extreme. And not to defend brother's GF actions. But the OP didn't have to stoop that low. He made an awkward situation even more awkward. As for this GF, the brother says this is just something she does. And it sounded like to her, this was just.... normal. I get that. I come from a line of Autism from my mother's side. I grew up doing this thinking it was quite normal until a "friend" called me out on it in front of others. Since, then, I've worked hard at controlling myself. Yes, I do have a tendency to look up prices of things in my own privacy but never to judge. It's really just out of curiosity. And as for presents, I truly value the thought and never how much it costs. That said, it would be best for the brother to have a talk with her. Kindly and compassionately. I wish I had that kindness.
I don't think she is a gold digger, but doesn't understand how to most people her behaviour is very rude!!!
I don't think he's an AH, but I wouldn't have said anything til after she left. Side note: I'm interested in how much stuff costs, but more as a curiosity than because I'm wanting a piece of the pie. And I'd save the googling of prices til after I got home! 😆
The questions were intrusive, but....that's not usually how gold diggers act. I've always noticed them to be "above" everyone else, looking down their nose and acting like they have all the money already -or- they lock it down by getting pregnant right away. This girl, even though the questions were wildly inappropriate, seemed to just be curious. I know when someone gives me something, like a gift, I always feel like I owe them for it....so....maybe she feels that way, too.
I think the gf maybe has a thing with numbers and the brother may not know or think to try and explain it to you guys. What you explained isn't unlike a few folks I've known that either have a thing with numbers or cataloging. It's worth having a conversation about.
I'm going to be controversial and go with YTA. It's quite obvious that the OP and family are wealthy. They have the good fortune of affording expensive luxury goods and experiences. Growing up in poor influences a person relationship with money. The "haves" social circle has this propensity to feign modesty when approached with regards to the costs of home furnishings, decor, vehicles, and homes. The working class, however, tend to communicate costs amongst themselves as a way to let others in in to where they can "score" a good deal, or simply to show the pleasure in their purchase, to whom most is a rare privilege. The reaction of OP speaks to the tone-deafness of the wealthy when it comes to the ever widening chasm of wealth inequality. The OP's brother should have pulled her aside and had the difficult and admittedly unreasonable discussion of "don't upset the rich white folk by talking about their s**t and asking how much this costs, and how much everyone earns".
Sheep behavior of people after reading all these comments on reddit which weren't even fairly selected but only the "NTA" ones were presented to shape people's opinions. Take my upvote because you only made a rational analysis and were not rude at all so there's no reason for you to have a negative vote :) Some of you seriously need to grow up.
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Rude gets rude. I really don't care what weird excuse there is for it, intentional or not.
So some words/behaviours in some languages/cultures are rude or polite depending - not knowing everything is a"weird excuse"?
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To me it sounds like she grew up very poor and the cost of things is an interest not because she’s a gold digger but because she probably didn’t have stuff like that growing up so Im sure it amazes her. I don’t really think it’s a big deal personally but I also grew up poor so maybe thats why. Middle class/wealthy people tend to get uncomfortable when you ask them questions about money. Like your going to take it from them or something which is no doubt why she got called a gold digger when she didn’t even seem like it by her attitude. Clearly a case of two worlds clashing and neither being able to imagine a different point of view.
Growing up poor is not an excuse for not having Social Skills!!! The gf definitely needs to find her social skills if she wants to be invited anywhere!! OP was not wrong in her reaction to this situation!!
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ESH: A gold digger would be someone assessing what you have in the hopes of taking it from you. Sounds like this girl was a bit dumbstruck by how wealthy they actually are and may have suddenly found herself in over her head (feelings wise) which caused her to speak out of line. That's not an excuse though,and you should never be adding things up in someone's home. The OP was still an enormous àsshole for that type of put down. Frankly it sounds like they've assessed them as too poor for them, and attacked accordingly. So yeah, everyone sucks here.
ESH. It seems like your family and hers have very different stories. I used to work at a very high end clothing store. I went back as a customer with my new gf (now wife), but knew she would have serious sticker shock over the price of things. BEFORE we went, I gave her the heads up, I asked her to not comment on price tags until after we left. It made for a great conversation on the way home, and nobody felt awkward while we were at the store. She feels awkward when my family spoils her too. she's in unfamiliar territory. OP's brother didn't give her much heads up, nor discretely nip it in the bud after the first comment or two. However, nothing she said makes her a gold digger. That was a harsh comment. Taking the high road and saying something along the lines of, "we've worked very hard to be able to afford the things you're asking about. Don't worry about it." She'd still feel awkward, but nobody here would say OP sucks.
I'm on the edge here. The GF sounds like she's had a different upbringing than the family she visited. If you center around money your whole life then this is what happens. Was it rude? Probably. Was it intentional? Doesn't sound like it. So based on that I'm going to go with YTA.
My first thought was that she sounds like she has OCD or is autistic or something; her behaviour struck me as more odd and eccentric than rude. After all it wasn't as if she was demanding expensive stuff and trying to get her boyfriend to pay her bills or anything.
If id hazzard a guess she"s in the businesses of buying and selling. Maybe she owns a p**n store or auction house, and in her nervousness didnt turn off her business mode.
It sounds like she truly did not understand how she comes across. It probably comes from how she was raised. You know, it is better that someone pointed it out so she can see that some things you don't say and do. Maybe she grew up with little? It may not be gold digging.
I think she's the opposite of a gold digger. A gold digger is a person who gets into relationships for what he/she can get out of them, and usually the more spent on them the better they like it. She is obviously really tight with money and shocked at spending. Yes, she was rude and insensitive to comment on what things cost, but OP was also rude in saying what he did. He should definitely apologise.
I think she probably just grew up in a very different socioeconomic bracket. It was probably surreal to see how much money they were spending so casually. Calling her a "gold digger" was uncalled for because it wasn't gold digger behaviour. She she received a gift and scoffed at it because it was cheap, then that name would be appropriate. I do agree it's also inappropriate to be asking people the costs of such things though...
That’s what I think too. My mother does this constantly and I think it’s because she grew up poor and worrying about money and how much things cost has become deeply ingrained, we joke about her being a golddigger sometimes but she absolutely isn’t.
Load More Replies... Ok ... I might catch flack for this... But it didn't seem that the girlfriend's tone was judgy, just curious. I can't fault her for being curious and perhaps she just grew up in a family where they talked about this stuff openly and had no idea. If that's the case the boyfriend is an AH for not pulling her aside himself after her first comment. Curiosity is forgivable. If she was catty (which it doesn't sound like she is) then she's a golddigger
I agree with you. It sounds like innocent ignorance, like she didn’t know it wasn’t polite. It also sounds like she was surprised at how much things cost, like they were all more expensive than she thought. Maybe trust fund baby cutoff and in the real world for the first time? Maybe grew up in a lower SES and wasn’t accustomed to being around things this expensive? It sounds like there’s a reason behind it all. Gold digger doesn’t sound right, she wasn’t poor shaming it demanding more expensive things for herself. But, I also don’t understand this don’t talk about money social rule. I know it’s a thing, but it doesn’t make sense to why we can’t talk about how much we make, how much our house cost and how we’re paying it off, what we plan to save for retirement, etc. I do talk about these things openly with people. But not in a bragging or judgemental way. Just discussing how best to handle finances. Are salaried fair at work? Things like that.
Load More Replies... I don't know, I found the tone like someone said almost autistic, like she seemed completely unaware that it was inappropriate, and maybe even thought she was complimenting them
I agree She seams to be in the Spectrum, and we say " dumb " c**p like this every time, its not meant as an insult, its ( at least for me ) perfectly normal conversation, and unless someone Tells me not to say this or that, i don't even notice Im being a twat.
Load More Replies... I used to do this all the time as a young woman. I was unaware that it was rude. Yes, really. This need to calculate the cost of things comes from a place of deep anxiety over a lack of money. It is a sign of someone who has experienced extreme poverty. Money is air, water, food and medicine . As a kid, being raised by a single mother, I often was made to skip meals and medicine. I had to go one summer, without shoes. I eventually went to go live with my dad and his wife. It was a little better, but his wife would constantly complain about the cost of things and would yell at store employees if she thought something was too expensive. I ended up working for 5 years before I could go to a university. DON'T be fooled by someone's appearance or education or social standing. I was a very attractive, educated and well dressed woman in my late 20s and I talked about the cost of things all the time. I stopped when a true friend explained that it was considered rude to do so.
I think this is a misunderstanding and comes down to a disconnect between social classes. I totally see how these questions may come off as rude and inappropriate, but I don't see malicious intent here. As someone who grew up in a poverty environment, I was painfully unaware that people who grew up in mega finacial privilege didn't discuss money out loud like this. My husband's family (wealthy) also labeled me a gold digger for the similar behavior and I genuinely didn't understand why until his aunt said I wasn't supposed to talk about money or how much I spent on something (which was funny because I'd brag about my thrifty shopping and how cheap I may have gotten something, not how expensive something was). So imma go with esh on this one.
I, too, grew up very poor, and share my joy when I am able to get something for a song, and hope I don't sound weird when I do that. I don't know if people know why I tell them. I'm not bragging, I'm showing my happiness. (They probably don't understand). It's deeply ingrained in people who grew up with poverty, to worry constantly about money, even when that problem has been 'solved', because you never know when you'll be back there.
Load More Replies... You get one warning in private, the one the brother should have given her, if that doesn't work, the next lesson is delivered in the same forum as the offence.
According to the op at the end it was painfully clear nobody talked to her about it.
Load More Replies... In my circle of family and friends, it's quite normal to ask how much things cost. It's often with the mind of "if someday I fancy buying the same thing, how much can I expect to spend for it". Of course, I would not say what the girlfriend said during a dinner or putting someone on the spot but I would not have been shocked either to hear such a comment. The gold digger remark would be more shocking to me but I know people have different views. I still remember asking my colleague how much his bike cost (again, thinking I may want to but one someday, or at least to know what a bike usually cost, as I've never looked into it) and him getting upset...
The thing is you discuss money with family and friends not with someone you have just met and want to make an impression on. The first clue for her should have been the " more than i like" comment about decorations. If she asks about price of 1 thing they coul maybe think it is a bit weird. But itemising their belongings and asking about salary like that shows she has no class. The sole question about salary is a no no unless you are super close even at work . She should know already
Load More Replies... I think the OP could have handled this with a bit more tact. OP could have just said to Lindsay, privately or even in front of everyone, that her fixation on costs is not something that need concern her. I don't think it was necessary to humiliate her or call her names.
If it's one thing I've personally experienced in my life, the more money you have seems to offer you less tact and appreciation for those you don't personally know. I'm just one person though, my experiences obviously don't speak for everyone.
Load More Replies... I don't understand why everyone is so eager to excuse the GF. Maybe she's poor, and grew up in a barn, and thus has the manners of a cow. I grew up poor, and I'm not ill-mannered enough to tell someone I'm not sure how they can do anything in January because of what they spent on gifts. That's insane. It's one thing that she kept commenting on prices, but to literally say you spent $x so how can you do y is....something else. That's a judgmental comment right there.
And yes, my family does discuss prices and talk about money very openly. In college I would discuss money with my low income friends and that was normal for us. But it's bizarre that she would do this in a social circle that clearly doesn't appreciate talking about finances. I don't think enough of us are calling out the brother, either. He obviously knew (or should have known) the family's attitudes towards this discussion, and he definitely knew about Lindsay's...disposition. He obviously didn't prep Lindsay/his family enough and even when his sister told him Lindsay was out of line...he evidently didn't feel the need to address it with her. He's happy to demand an apology after the fact, but he could've prevented the whole situation.
Load More Replies... So did James actually not talk to Lindsay, or did the OP just assume he didn't? How come no one actually tried to ask Lindsay what that was with her comments, not even the boyfriend, it seems? So the OP is upset and wants to call Lindsay out on her behavior, knowing that her brother is fully aware of the issue and considers it "normal for her", i.e. clearly doesn't think of it as particularly problematic. So why even ask him to talk to her? You are the one having a problem with her behavior, not him, so why not talk to her directly, starting with something like "okay, Lindsay, I see that money is a very sensitive issue for you. However, we all here consider it most inappropriate to talk about it the way you do, and would very much like you to stop it as it makes us extremely uncomfortable'" and then listen to what she has to say? Why go straight for insults? Even traffic lights show you some yellow before going all red on you.
Yeah, evasive answers to Lindsay's first few questions should have been the yellow light, but you know what? People unable to read social cues really exist, and it's not always their fault that they can't.
Load More Replies... You don't ask how much something costs. Ever. It is not your damn business. Mind the business that pays you.
Yeah this actually varies greatly culture to culture and even family to family ( often based on socio-economic status). It may have been normal questions in her family or she may have just been overwhelmed by the family's opulence ( big tree, artworks by named artists whose catalog values you could look up online etc), particularly if she grew up poor.
Load More Replies... The way I was raised, you didn't go into someone else's house and ask questions about how much the decor cost. If this young lady is on the spectrum, then her behavior is understandable, but it doesn't seem that she is like that. Most people would have stopped asking after repeatedly getting the questions ignored. The brother was supposed to talk to her about this and apparently he never did. The fact that she calculated the cost of all of the gifts doesn't sound normal to me. Lindsay's behavior was rude and the OP gave her rude back. Maybe next time, she won't ask financial questions about someone else's home.
Had someone do this to me, years ago. Easy solution, I simply shut her down and said this is neither the time nor the place for an audit, she should call back in the morning and I could make an appointment. Never invited her back again, neither did anyone else who met her that night!
It sounds like: she was trying to find out, who has the most money, and who would be the best financial fit for her. NTA! Don't be surprised if she hits you up for a date!
Everyone is focused on the questions she asked but for me it's the googling of every individual gift and totalling everything up. This is not social awkwardness, it is something more. Change your security codes.
Load More Replies... I'm not getting judgy or diggy from this girl. I'm getting "I have no idea what to talk about, here's this one subject I'm going to cling to as a result". I think people are quick to assume all kinds of things about people they don't or barely know. It's pretty easy to insult a family if you come from a totally different social environment. When I was out visiting England, I was totally ignorant to the accent. Obviously I'd heard it before in movies but I've never talked to anyone who was british. I kept misunderstanding certain words or not understanding them at all because the accent was so off and they always looked at me like I was stupid or I was trying to insult them. The truth was I just didn't know what they were saying. I always tried my best to be polite. So I understand to a degree. That being said, who knows, she could be a good digger. That's the entire point of my post. I don't know her, and I have one side to this multi level story.
As a child, I was taught that asking how much something was, showed a lack of home training. I also have a friend who is like that, and I told her that she wasn't ever going to get a gift from me, because I wouldn't appreciate my gift being deemed worthy by how much I spent on it. I got her a gift card once before I knew this about her, and she really liked it, but she knows where I stand now. There's no excuse, except someone didn't take the time, or made the effort to teach your brother's girlfriend any manners. I would've, or my family, especially my parents would've said the same thing, because that's how it comes across. It doesn't matter if she grew up with money, or not, manners are manners, and I've known people who lived paycheck to paycheck, and they still wouldn't of asked those kind of questions. You don't owe anyone an apology, and tell your brother to keep her away from family events if she keeps this behavior up, and to quit shrugging it off as ".That's just her".
Yes, this is how my brother's wife is. It only gets worse if not nipped in the butt now. She's been married to my brother for almost 20 years and still doesn't get things she says are out of line. Now no one in my family wants her around, we all hate her. My brother would always say, "that's just leañne"and never corrected her. OP is definitely NTA and doesn't owe anyone an apology.
Load More Replies... NTA. The girlfriend needed a serious reality check, as in what is proper social behavior. I don't care what socioeconomic class or group you're from. It's never appropriate to ask people about what they spend. She was incredibly rude, incredibly nosy and she deserved what she got. This is something that most 5-year-olds would be taught by their parents. And the girlfriend didn't do snoop just once, which would have been bad enough and forgivable she did it repeatedly. The girlfriend needs a gift of the Miss Manners books. Every volume of it.
You can go to the original reddit post via a small link at the bottom of the story
Load More Replies... If she asked about a price the first time, she should have been cued that the host does not want to divulge when it was not answered. But she kept going. She is obviousky not used to such extravagance and is just excited, and socially awkward. She will probably never shut up unless called out, and it should have been his bf's responsibility. Come to think of it, the host and the gf are both rude. :)
She could have come from a different social environment, she could be autistic, this is the problem I was talking about in my other post. People are just so ready to judge and accuse and condemn people they know a lick about. You get one side of a multi-tier story and suddenly you're a f****** genius I know the person's entire life story. If anything's rude it's that kind of sub human judgement.
Load More Replies... Nta who the duck does that. I was brought up to thank the person for the gift weather I like it or not. Then just move on.
OP was right and doesn't owe an apology. She acted out in the family group so the family group is probably the place to call her on it. Or, he could have stopped her right there saying this isn't the time or place to discuss this, and ask to speak to her and his brother in private. Just explain to her it is not appropriate to inquire about the cost of other people's belongings, that is their business. I have to agree with some posters, she may be a high functioning on the autistic spectrum, with severe OCD. OP you really want to mend fences, take the high road. Only apology you may want to express is that you didn't talk with her in private. But her actions took everyone by surprise and you had a knee jerk response. She was wrong in what she did, whether she realizes it or not. It happened, it's over, mend fences and let it go. Encourage everyone to just let it go now.
I don't think "gold digger" is correct term, but her behaviour is bizzare. It sounds like she has zero social skills and does not realize it's inappropriate. Even if counting cost of items is her hobby, she should keep quiet about it.
I said are you going to buy one , then you don't need to know how much it cost.
Accountant. Lol. Well I wonder what she does for a real living then? And it's your house so you can say what you want. Because it was probably what everyone wanted to say.
She sounds like she may have autism. My son does the same thing, he loves numbers and doesn't understand sometimes that some things are better left unsaid.
NTA, she asked for someone to put her in her place. If he didn't handle it after being spoken to then you have every right. Your house, your gathering, your family and she was making things uncomfortable. She is a gold digger or a their. Wgich one brother?
Sometimes people need to be put in their place before grace can save them. Tacky as it might be she might like numbers. Finances are private period. I loved the drama it was brilliant and on point. If she is brought in a family accountant isn't a bad thing just ask for the family discount rate! I'm someone always looking for a bargain but as I taught my children paying for quality is an investment and sometimes that means paying full price. Both are acceptable. If you manage money well you can have expensive things and inexpensive things. She might not understand balancing wealth.
I think she probably grew up in a very poor family and was surprised by everything. It's pretty obvious that she wasn't taught any social grace. I get the feeling that she didn't realize that she was being inappropriate. If your brother had spoken to her, this could have been avoided. Gold diggers generally have an aire of superiority as they this they are so important and deserving of the best. This case sounds more like a shocked poor kid. I was raised in a por household and honestly still to this day, (I'm 57), the first thing that pops into my mind is how much things cost. Maybe have a conversation with them both, explain how her comments made you and your family feel. Look at it as education for her. You don't want a permanent rift in the family if they end up getting married.
NTA. If she really didn't recognize her own rudeness, now she's been educated. Your brother should have already known better since all the rest of your family does.
tbh, I'm leaning towards ESH, she ignored the signs at the table at night when everyone avoided her questions and continued doing accounting. Brother should have spoken up then but didn't. Golddigger comment possibly a little harsh but who comes to a house and starts adding up the costs and pass comment on how much money they are spending - it's nothing to do with them. Why would you check out what the art sells for?
OP's comment shut gf down so it was perfect. No apologies necessary. GF wouldn't mean it and OP shouldn't have to speak to her again.
Your brother’s gf sounds like someone who came from a less affluent family than yours and is dazzled by all the trappings of money. That being said, it is crass to enquire about the costs/price of things. That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a gold digger, though. I would probably have said something along the lines of “it sounds like you are very focused on money, but we prefer not to discuss financial details with our guests”.
The whole situation could have been avoided if your chicken sh*t brother had spoken to her like he agreed. I don't think she was being malicious or anything, I think she's just maybe a bit dumb? Or maybe this is how it's done in her family and it never occurred to her it's not the norm. Again, brother should have nipped it in the bud. But I think NTA for calling out her incredibly rude and crass behavior. And no, you do not owe her an apology (but your brother owes you one big time).
If the gifts were really expensive she might have been uncomfortable receiving them I feel awkward at all times receiving a gift. She might definitely not be used to extravagance. I think gold digger is not the appropriate term. Did the bf asked her the reason for these queries perhaps she was getting nervous being around rich people. I think the bf's brother is snooty labelling anything he doesn't understand. She says that since so much money has been spent she was not expecting anything more to be spent that's how I read it.
Firstly I dont get the gold digger reference, she maybe massively inappropriate but that's it. Secondly, the sister is also inappropriate for being so hostile to a guest in her home. Thirdly, I think the fact that the sister sought vindication for her reaction tells me that she perhaps felt that she over stepped the mark. Embarrassing somebody like that will not be something that can be she can come back from. Finally I feel she has damaged her relationship with her brother who now will have to take his girlfriends side or break up with her. Sad situation altogether!
Golddiggers are not deliberately obvious. Sounds neurodivergent to me. Borderline AH move.
All the examples OP gave really just sounded like she was simply curious as to how much everything cost, especially the painting one and christmas tree one. Might be the only one but i think you and your family just overreacted to everything
I grew up poor and tend to do this myself. I remind my daughter things like, "This is tupperware and cost a lot. I need it back."
All comments are accurate to a point, but here's another scenario... I have a student who, being autistic, but highly functional, asks the same question about everything... "How much?" Whether it be the cost of something, how much I get paid, etc... Sometimes, I think, brains are wired differently, and the person doesn't actually know they are being socially rude... Just a thought.
I don't usually need to say this much(so pardon my language) but... What a d**k
"Everyone knows not to talk about money and the cost of things in polite company" ... I really hate America's aversiob to openly discussing wealth. This is a classic practice that arose as "polite" due to corporate propaganda trying to preven workers from knowing how much everyone else was making. Makes it much easier for certain workers to be exploited. This logic being perpetuated by these redditors is one of the main reasons why wealth inequality has gotten to be as bad as it is. I am also very surprised absolutely none of the redditors arr giving the obviously (financially) poorer GF thr benefit of the doubt and asking about how much these gifts were costing. I don't know about all of you... but I would be extremely uncomfortable if I was being gifts that cost more than a $1000 each.
Her making what she probably is thinking of as "jokes" is probably just a coping mechanism for her dealing with the culture shock she is experiencing from witnessing just how much wealth higher socioeconomic classes are hoarding.
Load More Replies... How are they in universal agrrement that this is a NTA moment? She didn't even sound like she was "golddigging" here... just asking questions about how much things costs which indicates more that she comes ftom a lower socioeconomic bavkground. Also, how much these gifts cost was also conveniently left out. I'm just gonna say it: I yoo would be flabbergasted and quite focused on cost if someone casually giving out multiple gifts to me that costs thousands of dollars. It's actually kinda nasty what he did here because it sounds like it could be a case of classism. I would say... I need somr more context, but as of right now: I'm siding with the poor person here who likely didn't mean much by their comment.
Some people are money obsessed this way. They want to know how much every thing costs and how much every one makes. My mom is like this. She would intentionally leave the price tag on gifts so people would know how much she spent. She was definitely not a good digger; she worked hard in a minimum-wage job every day of her life and wanted people to know that she never skimped on giving.
NITA! You pretty much shut her down because your and family's finances are NONE OF HER BUSINESS! Why is she so concerned? And no, you DO NOT owe her an apology because she's under your roof and it's disrespectful and TOTALLY rude to be asking personal questions like your finances. She should've used her brain to be smart and not to be stupid and made a compliment like, "your Christmas decor is lovely!" And kept her mouth shut. So, maybe it's best that she's no longer welcome in your home and if your brother is mad then he should let you know when he's stopping by to see the family WITHOUT her.
NTA. This gold digger needs some lessons in manners and tact! Also, as some one else had posted, change your security codes! Who the eff asks such dumb questions, or even looks up the worth of items on Google in people’s homes?! I don’t get why the fool of a brother didn’t talk to the gold digger girlfriend to shut her pie hole with her intrusive questions after the step dad or dad, I forget who it was that pulled the brother aside to ask him what the eff was going on with his girlfriend’s intrusive questions?!
She sounds like she is on the ASD spectrum - High functioning Autistic and not diagnosed. I have noticed this behavior by them over the past 50 years. They are very inquisitive to the relation of items and cost. Golddiggers will Complain/Snub the cost as if everything is not good enough to their standards. They would not respond the same. ASD behavior is socially awkward. They really try to fit in, & often don't see how their repetitive focused/persistent behavior is not the norm. My husband and I grew up together, married close to 30 years. This was him! Now my son has been diagnosed with High Functioning Asperger's-Autistic (ASD). Vaccine injury awakening of men in his fam My husband is a dentist, with a serious finance hobby (to the penny). I see this with many doctors, engineers, IT, finance related fields. They are more outgoing when w/ someone they like or a friend that can overlook it. Wishing you and your family all the best!
She sounds like a possible Asperger's/Autism Spectrum -High functioning and/or amazed by a different change of scenery and truly inquisitive. They are socially different! So many are Undiagnosed. Look at Bill Gates, Bill Murry, many doctors, engineers, finance and IT professionals just for starters. They will try to fit in. Money seems to be a curious conversation I noticed between most of them. Looking back my childhood friend, now husband of almost 30 yrs, was somewhat like this and never diagnosed. Now a dentist with a true 'finance' hobby. He and I would now win the Price Is Right. My youngest son is also on the spectrum. I have spent years studying this topic to speak out and help others. Most golddiggers would have Complained or Snubbed your items, meal not being highend enough, household items appears cheap, type of vacation selected not expensive enough. Wishing you and your family all the best!
Some people just don't know any better. It could have been something her own mother did and she grew up thinking it was normal. BTW definitely NOT a golddigger. Golddiggers don't Google prices... They already know how much everything costs. They add it all up in their tiny little golddigging brains, and then they STFU about it so everyone isn't "on to them." Sister was the AH to a socially awkward young lady who just didn't know any better and was overwhelmed by all the wealth on display around her.
YTA. Yes her behavior was disgraceful, but you're assuming she new better and did it anyway. She probably grew up in a home where that was normal and really didn't know any better. A true gold digger, someone putting on an act to get in good with a wealthy man would never have done such a thing.
They both just seem like idiots. Lindsay has no social skills whatsoever and OP doesn’t know what a gold digger is.
Not as bad as Lindsay, but my husband is very much like that. We rarely have a conversation (with ANYONE) where cost, money, time, distance doesn't come into it. He's just a numbers freak and has to know the ins and outs of a duck's behind. It's so embarrassing! He doesn't realise he's doing it. I say he's nosy and intrusive; he says he's just curious. He has a well-paid job and certainly did not grow up poor. He just can't function without his numbers. Drives me crazy because I'm the opposite. I couldn't care less about how much things cost or how long it takes to get somewhere. It is what it is.
Sounds like maybe you guys are wealthy and she's just shocked because it is outside of her norm. But yeah.... def wanna keep those thoughts to yourself. Not all poor people have etiquette. Luckily my poor a*s was raised right! Hahaha!
He is the as$hole. What I don't understand is why the brother didn't just say to the girlfriend "Hey, the money talk is making me feel uncomfortable. I am making a simple request that you stop. Thanks." Why the hell do people go to level 10 without simply talking to the other party??
It's rude to talk about how much things cost if it's not necessary to do so, but it's also rude to dress down a guest at the dinner table.
One thing not mentioned by the OP was the age of this girl. Her comments about the cost of everything make her sound really young and immature. She also appeared to lack boundaries with people she just met. But if she is holding down a job she can’t be that young and should have learned better on how to interact with co-workers.
YTA. Not to the extreme. And not to defend brother's GF actions. But the OP didn't have to stoop that low. He made an awkward situation even more awkward. As for this GF, the brother says this is just something she does. And it sounded like to her, this was just.... normal. I get that. I come from a line of Autism from my mother's side. I grew up doing this thinking it was quite normal until a "friend" called me out on it in front of others. Since, then, I've worked hard at controlling myself. Yes, I do have a tendency to look up prices of things in my own privacy but never to judge. It's really just out of curiosity. And as for presents, I truly value the thought and never how much it costs. That said, it would be best for the brother to have a talk with her. Kindly and compassionately. I wish I had that kindness.
I don't think she is a gold digger, but doesn't understand how to most people her behaviour is very rude!!!
I don't think he's an AH, but I wouldn't have said anything til after she left. Side note: I'm interested in how much stuff costs, but more as a curiosity than because I'm wanting a piece of the pie. And I'd save the googling of prices til after I got home! 😆
The questions were intrusive, but....that's not usually how gold diggers act. I've always noticed them to be "above" everyone else, looking down their nose and acting like they have all the money already -or- they lock it down by getting pregnant right away. This girl, even though the questions were wildly inappropriate, seemed to just be curious. I know when someone gives me something, like a gift, I always feel like I owe them for it....so....maybe she feels that way, too.
I think the gf maybe has a thing with numbers and the brother may not know or think to try and explain it to you guys. What you explained isn't unlike a few folks I've known that either have a thing with numbers or cataloging. It's worth having a conversation about.
I'm going to be controversial and go with YTA. It's quite obvious that the OP and family are wealthy. They have the good fortune of affording expensive luxury goods and experiences. Growing up in poor influences a person relationship with money. The "haves" social circle has this propensity to feign modesty when approached with regards to the costs of home furnishings, decor, vehicles, and homes. The working class, however, tend to communicate costs amongst themselves as a way to let others in in to where they can "score" a good deal, or simply to show the pleasure in their purchase, to whom most is a rare privilege. The reaction of OP speaks to the tone-deafness of the wealthy when it comes to the ever widening chasm of wealth inequality. The OP's brother should have pulled her aside and had the difficult and admittedly unreasonable discussion of "don't upset the rich white folk by talking about their s**t and asking how much this costs, and how much everyone earns".
Sheep behavior of people after reading all these comments on reddit which weren't even fairly selected but only the "NTA" ones were presented to shape people's opinions. Take my upvote because you only made a rational analysis and were not rude at all so there's no reason for you to have a negative vote :) Some of you seriously need to grow up.
Load More Replies... Rude gets rude. I really don't care what weird excuse there is for it, intentional or not.
So some words/behaviours in some languages/cultures are rude or polite depending - not knowing everything is a"weird excuse"?
Load More Replies... To me it sounds like she grew up very poor and the cost of things is an interest not because she’s a gold digger but because she probably didn’t have stuff like that growing up so Im sure it amazes her. I don’t really think it’s a big deal personally but I also grew up poor so maybe thats why. Middle class/wealthy people tend to get uncomfortable when you ask them questions about money. Like your going to take it from them or something which is no doubt why she got called a gold digger when she didn’t even seem like it by her attitude. Clearly a case of two worlds clashing and neither being able to imagine a different point of view.
Growing up poor is not an excuse for not having Social Skills!!! The gf definitely needs to find her social skills if she wants to be invited anywhere!! OP was not wrong in her reaction to this situation!!
Load More Replies... ESH: A gold digger would be someone assessing what you have in the hopes of taking it from you. Sounds like this girl was a bit dumbstruck by how wealthy they actually are and may have suddenly found herself in over her head (feelings wise) which caused her to speak out of line. That's not an excuse though,and you should never be adding things up in someone's home. The OP was still an enormous àsshole for that type of put down. Frankly it sounds like they've assessed them as too poor for them, and attacked accordingly. So yeah, everyone sucks here.
ESH. It seems like your family and hers have very different stories. I used to work at a very high end clothing store. I went back as a customer with my new gf (now wife), but knew she would have serious sticker shock over the price of things. BEFORE we went, I gave her the heads up, I asked her to not comment on price tags until after we left. It made for a great conversation on the way home, and nobody felt awkward while we were at the store. She feels awkward when my family spoils her too. she's in unfamiliar territory. OP's brother didn't give her much heads up, nor discretely nip it in the bud after the first comment or two. However, nothing she said makes her a gold digger. That was a harsh comment. Taking the high road and saying something along the lines of, "we've worked very hard to be able to afford the things you're asking about. Don't worry about it." She'd still feel awkward, but nobody here would say OP sucks.
I'm on the edge here. The GF sounds like she's had a different upbringing than the family she visited. If you center around money your whole life then this is what happens. Was it rude? Probably. Was it intentional? Doesn't sound like it. So based on that I'm going to go with YTA.
My first thought was that she sounds like she has OCD or is autistic or something; her behaviour struck me as more odd and eccentric than rude. After all it wasn't as if she was demanding expensive stuff and trying to get her boyfriend to pay her bills or anything.
If id hazzard a guess she"s in the businesses of buying and selling. Maybe she owns a p**n store or auction house, and in her nervousness didnt turn off her business mode.
It sounds like she truly did not understand how she comes across. It probably comes from how she was raised. You know, it is better that someone pointed it out so she can see that some things you don't say and do. Maybe she grew up with little? It may not be gold digging.
I think she's the opposite of a gold digger. A gold digger is a person who gets into relationships for what he/she can get out of them, and usually the more spent on them the better they like it. She is obviously really tight with money and shocked at spending. Yes, she was rude and insensitive to comment on what things cost, but OP was also rude in saying what he did. He should definitely apologise.
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