Guy Disgusted By Brother’s Behavior At His Kid’s Birthday Party Finally Calls Him Out, Asks If It Was Too Much
Whether we like it or not, siblings are for life. They are usually our first best friends and partners in crime where “please don’t tell mom” is only the beginning of our adventures together. But while being tight and having each other’s back is a huge blessing, a good sibling relationship isn’t always a given.
Redditor NieceFirstBdayAITA knows this from personal experience. Recently, this man submitted a story to the AITA subreddit, asking its members to share their perspectives after he called his brother out in front of their whole family. “My brother, ‘Paul,’ and I are not close at all. We have very different worldviews and have incompatible personalities,” the user explained.
When he and his girlfriend, Amy, were invited to a get-together to celebrate his niece’s first birthday, the couple was hit with an avalanche of complaints Paul had about his wife and baby as soon as they stepped through the door. While the man tried to freeze out his brother’s misogynistic comments, the situation got so uncomfortable that he just had to react. Read on to find out how this sibling drama unfolded and be sure to share your insights with us in the comments.
After his brother made everyone feel “extremely uncomfortable” at his daughter’s first birthday party, this man called him out in front of the whole family
Image credits: Erica Marsland Huynh (not the actual photo)
Unsure of whether he went too far, he asked the internet to evaluate the situation
Image credits: Hannelies Ravensloot (not the actual photo)
According to Dr. Jesse Matthews, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Chester Springs, PA, uncomfortable situations where family members lack respect for others are often difficult to navigate. See, everything depends on the circumstances, who is involved, and the relationships they have between them. “I know most of us would like to believe that we would say something in the situation here, calling this guy out and putting him in his place, but the truth is — many people are conflict avoidant,” he told Bored Panda.
Dr. Matthews explained these situations usually get tense and awkward, and we might remain silent because we simply don’t know what to say. “We may also hope that someone else steps up and says something, so we don’t have to or at least don’t have to be first. It’s hard to be the only one to speak out, so this becomes more likely as well if you know other people are bothered by the behavior and would probably support you in saying something or in the event of a conflict.”
However, in most cases, being assertive and pointing out negative behaviors to a family member is the right thing to do. Although Dr. Matthews suggested considering the words the person is saying, who are they saying it to, and is this just a one-time thing or a repeated harmful pattern.
“When it comes to family, chances are whatever is happening is not the first time and Old Uncle Steve, Aunt Nancy, or Grandpa most likely already has a reputation for this kind of thing. You may have a good sense already of the dynamic and what everyone else thinks,” the psychologist added. “We all know that people like this are unlikely to change and we may feel like it’s a waste of time or an unnecessary risk to call them out, even though this is probably the right thing to do.”
Moreover, Dr. Matthews asked you to consider the location. If the person embarrasses or disrespects others in public, “it would be important to try to support the offended individual(s) and let them know we don’t approve of our family member’s behavior, while also letting the family member know that.” And there’s always the option to set healthy boundaries. For example, some people limit their interactions with relatives “because of their behavior and the fact that they often don’t change or show much respect for how others feel about it.”
After reading the story, here’s what Redditors had to say about the sibling drama
When it comes to this particular situation in question, Paul’s complaints and misogynistic comments not only ruined his daughter’s birthday but also took a toll on his wife, Lisa. “This is probably not the first time Paul has acted like this, as he appears way too comfortable pushing the work onto his wife and making such offensive and hurtful comments. This is abuse, and sadly too many partners fall victim to it and continue to allow it by not saying anything about it,” psychologist Dr. Matthews explained.
If a person is acting in a mean and misogynistic fashion, there may be some underlying issues that cause their behavior. “Paul may feel neglected or lonely since his wife had a child, and so he’s lashing out at Lisa through his behavior and comments, unable to verbalize his feelings and thoughts in a more productive or loving way.”
“He also seems to be immature, making all of this about him, rather than being part of a team with Lisa or accepting that life has changed. And alcohol seems to be bringing out more hate and anger in him. His reaction to his brother’s words also display his self-centeredness, as he’s feeling like the victim and not seeing or acknowledging his part in the matter,” he noted.
While Redditors immediately deemed the hero of this story had every right to call out and shame his unsupportive brother, finding ourselves in similar situations may leave us unsure of what to do. Thankfully, Dr. Matthews was ready to lend a helping hand and explained how to better handle these conflicts.
He advised you to ask yourself these questions: “Do you say anything, and if so, what? And going forward, do you need to set a boundary with the person and let them know that you won’t accept or tolerate this kind of behavior? Also, do you need to reconsider spending time with this person or attending these kinds of gatherings?”
Start a conversation with other relatives as well, the psychologist added, particularly if you think you might be on the same page. “The bottom line is that we don’t have to tolerate behavior that is embarrassing, shameful, or abusive, even from our closest family. We all have rights and the power to speak up and let that person know how they’re affecting us. Doing that isn’t easy, but it’s often the right thing to do,” Dr. Matthews concluded.
Lisa needs to pack his stuff up and put his a*s out. No woman needs nor wants to hear how "undesirable" she is especially after giving birth. It can take a long time to get back in shape. His crass behaviour will only get worse. She can do bad by herself, although getting rid of him would be a win.
I've had friends who have told me that their husbands "gave them" a time frame to lose the baby weight. I was so incredibly disgusted. I actually like my body more after giving birth twice!! I created life!! I was in awe of what my body was capable of!!
Load More Replies...I can see why this guy doesn't get along with his brother at all. What a POS.
Ooh, a spambot of my very own. And it's not even my birthday!
Load More Replies...The person that he and his whole family need to be most concerned about is the child. Dad sounds like an alcoholic and that, combined with his misogyny- will cause that little girl untold problems for the rest of her life. Maybe explaining to Lisa that it will be also her fault, and she will be an accomplice, to literally ruining that little girl and robbing her of her confidence, her ability to discern good men from bad and a host of other things. If he talks about his wife's body in that manner, you can be sure he makes comments about other women all the time. Random, 'wow. Look at that fat cow over there!' or 'she's ugly as sin. Who would knock her up??' And all that will be heard by the child. It will seep into her psyche & destroy pieces of her
Can confirm firsthand. It sucks when your father is a misogynist who only sees women in terms of their fuckability. Means they have no idea how to relate to their daughters unless it's to see them as fuckable or not.
Load More Replies...NTA. NOBODY- OP, Amy, Lisa, or family/ friend caused this mess w/Paul. NOBODY can " cure " it either. I suspect Paul's a practicing alcoholic &, tho he may not be responsible for this predisposition, he nonetheless is responsible for his wreckage. Being nasty or nice to Paul will not change him- you'll ride that merry-go-round in hell until YOU wanna get off. I totally get why OP isn't close to his family. Sadly Paul's child will likely bear the brunt of this if Lisa stays w/ him. Been there
UGh. Why does everyone think Lisa needs to know the horrible things her horrible husband is saying about her?! He's half drunk and talking outta his @$$. How about just a general idea that she's married to a $hithead?....How on earth will she ever get his insults out of her head, even if she left him. Somethings you can't un-hear, especially when they come from someone who is supposed to love you.
I'm sure she has heard all of it directly from him too. I can see why she hasn't been able to focus on herself let alone exercise. It's hard finding time for yourself when you are parenting alone
Load More Replies...So this guy should be ashamed for yelling at the dad at his daughters bday party... but the dad gets a pass for getting drunk at his daughters bday party??? I don't think so. One is not like the other.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person who’s in a toxic relationship is to refuse to be around their partner and say why. It’s unpleasant, it seems wrong, but having people close to you go ‘I’m not dealing with this - call us if you want to leave him’ can be the moment that gets someone free. (Source: an unpleasant past ex that my friends basically said they were sick of hearing about until I actually did something)
WHEN Lisa leaves Paul, (hopefully soon, definitely support her and encourage her to do that) go NC with Paul, and make sure Lisa is treated like a sister, and that her baby has her uncle as a solid fatherly figure, since her actually father is not!
Time to start inviting Lisa and the kid out on lunches and playdates. Leave Paul at home.
Load More Replies...Ugh. I think the OP did well to speak up. Maybe that may sink in. Some individual and their entire family never get how disgusting they are. We have been taking care of our granddaughter for 10 years after our daughter's illness and passing. The son-in-law barely helps. As a matter of fact he lived with us totally free for a year because he was "depressed." We finally kicked him out. Within 6 months, he was behind in rent and was evicted. Now he lives with his parents at, nearly 45. Oh, yeah, he contributes some money that barely covers granddaughter's food and clothing. (and, since we allow him to claim the granddaughter as a dependent, income tax pretty much covers those $s). And worse, he has NEVER thanked us for all we do. His family are, also, uninvolved and, essentially, uninterested. Their lack of help has ruined all we had planned for our retirement. Oh, well. Felt good to get that off my chest.
Simply tell the few people who thought he was wrong what happened and as he doesn't see his family much ask the ones who live near them to give Lisa some much needed support.
NTA...a sibling is NOT forever and one whose behavior is heinous and insulting can be excluded from your life just as easily as a complete stranger. Blood does not excuse being a rotten, jealous and vengeful 'person'. Continue to offer Lisa and her baby any help you can.
NTA, very obviously. You didn't just come to the party and start calling him disgusting out of nowhere. It was a reaction to his insulting, disrespectful and insanely inappropriate comments about both your and his wives. He absolutely deserved to be called gross and disgusting. In fact, he deserved much worse.
The dude flat out told you and your wife, to your faces, that he wants to f*** your wife. He's lucky your wife didn't clock him. And that was on top of him saying his own wife was basically too hideous to sleep with, and that his child had ruined his life. At her birthday party.
I would have handed the baby back and told him to grow the f**k up and help his wife get ready.
If I'm reading this correctly, the OP didn't "call his brother out in front of everybody". He made a private comment as they left that the brother was disgusting for trying to hit on OP's wife, then the brother made a huge fuss and brought the humiliation upon himself.
He says his wife disgusts him and that the baby ruined his life, and then blames OP for shaming him on his life-destroyer's birthday??? Just goes to prove that drunk people will always show how they REALLY feel. He was telling the truth.
You need to think about these types of people, they will swing a bat around without a care of who or what they destroying everything and then the excused start "she said", "I did not say I would pick up the cake!" Shortly after party is over"sperm donor", grabs a beer and plops down in from of TV. Mom gets to take of her precious little birthday but is trying to deal with baby and Mr. I'm the dad is calling out for wife to hurry up and get him another. Couple of recommendations:get a journal, any time he does something to demean, write it in the, date,time,activity, public or in private. Also who else was there and finally, the emotional toil it takes on both you and your child.
So his brother is a POS, everyone knows he's a POS, yet HE asks if he's TA for calling him out on it?
Lisa needs to pack his stuff up and put his a*s out. No woman needs nor wants to hear how "undesirable" she is especially after giving birth. It can take a long time to get back in shape. His crass behaviour will only get worse. She can do bad by herself, although getting rid of him would be a win.
I've had friends who have told me that their husbands "gave them" a time frame to lose the baby weight. I was so incredibly disgusted. I actually like my body more after giving birth twice!! I created life!! I was in awe of what my body was capable of!!
Load More Replies...I can see why this guy doesn't get along with his brother at all. What a POS.
Ooh, a spambot of my very own. And it's not even my birthday!
Load More Replies...The person that he and his whole family need to be most concerned about is the child. Dad sounds like an alcoholic and that, combined with his misogyny- will cause that little girl untold problems for the rest of her life. Maybe explaining to Lisa that it will be also her fault, and she will be an accomplice, to literally ruining that little girl and robbing her of her confidence, her ability to discern good men from bad and a host of other things. If he talks about his wife's body in that manner, you can be sure he makes comments about other women all the time. Random, 'wow. Look at that fat cow over there!' or 'she's ugly as sin. Who would knock her up??' And all that will be heard by the child. It will seep into her psyche & destroy pieces of her
Can confirm firsthand. It sucks when your father is a misogynist who only sees women in terms of their fuckability. Means they have no idea how to relate to their daughters unless it's to see them as fuckable or not.
Load More Replies...NTA. NOBODY- OP, Amy, Lisa, or family/ friend caused this mess w/Paul. NOBODY can " cure " it either. I suspect Paul's a practicing alcoholic &, tho he may not be responsible for this predisposition, he nonetheless is responsible for his wreckage. Being nasty or nice to Paul will not change him- you'll ride that merry-go-round in hell until YOU wanna get off. I totally get why OP isn't close to his family. Sadly Paul's child will likely bear the brunt of this if Lisa stays w/ him. Been there
UGh. Why does everyone think Lisa needs to know the horrible things her horrible husband is saying about her?! He's half drunk and talking outta his @$$. How about just a general idea that she's married to a $hithead?....How on earth will she ever get his insults out of her head, even if she left him. Somethings you can't un-hear, especially when they come from someone who is supposed to love you.
I'm sure she has heard all of it directly from him too. I can see why she hasn't been able to focus on herself let alone exercise. It's hard finding time for yourself when you are parenting alone
Load More Replies...So this guy should be ashamed for yelling at the dad at his daughters bday party... but the dad gets a pass for getting drunk at his daughters bday party??? I don't think so. One is not like the other.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person who’s in a toxic relationship is to refuse to be around their partner and say why. It’s unpleasant, it seems wrong, but having people close to you go ‘I’m not dealing with this - call us if you want to leave him’ can be the moment that gets someone free. (Source: an unpleasant past ex that my friends basically said they were sick of hearing about until I actually did something)
WHEN Lisa leaves Paul, (hopefully soon, definitely support her and encourage her to do that) go NC with Paul, and make sure Lisa is treated like a sister, and that her baby has her uncle as a solid fatherly figure, since her actually father is not!
Time to start inviting Lisa and the kid out on lunches and playdates. Leave Paul at home.
Load More Replies...Ugh. I think the OP did well to speak up. Maybe that may sink in. Some individual and their entire family never get how disgusting they are. We have been taking care of our granddaughter for 10 years after our daughter's illness and passing. The son-in-law barely helps. As a matter of fact he lived with us totally free for a year because he was "depressed." We finally kicked him out. Within 6 months, he was behind in rent and was evicted. Now he lives with his parents at, nearly 45. Oh, yeah, he contributes some money that barely covers granddaughter's food and clothing. (and, since we allow him to claim the granddaughter as a dependent, income tax pretty much covers those $s). And worse, he has NEVER thanked us for all we do. His family are, also, uninvolved and, essentially, uninterested. Their lack of help has ruined all we had planned for our retirement. Oh, well. Felt good to get that off my chest.
Simply tell the few people who thought he was wrong what happened and as he doesn't see his family much ask the ones who live near them to give Lisa some much needed support.
NTA...a sibling is NOT forever and one whose behavior is heinous and insulting can be excluded from your life just as easily as a complete stranger. Blood does not excuse being a rotten, jealous and vengeful 'person'. Continue to offer Lisa and her baby any help you can.
NTA, very obviously. You didn't just come to the party and start calling him disgusting out of nowhere. It was a reaction to his insulting, disrespectful and insanely inappropriate comments about both your and his wives. He absolutely deserved to be called gross and disgusting. In fact, he deserved much worse.
The dude flat out told you and your wife, to your faces, that he wants to f*** your wife. He's lucky your wife didn't clock him. And that was on top of him saying his own wife was basically too hideous to sleep with, and that his child had ruined his life. At her birthday party.
I would have handed the baby back and told him to grow the f**k up and help his wife get ready.
If I'm reading this correctly, the OP didn't "call his brother out in front of everybody". He made a private comment as they left that the brother was disgusting for trying to hit on OP's wife, then the brother made a huge fuss and brought the humiliation upon himself.
He says his wife disgusts him and that the baby ruined his life, and then blames OP for shaming him on his life-destroyer's birthday??? Just goes to prove that drunk people will always show how they REALLY feel. He was telling the truth.
You need to think about these types of people, they will swing a bat around without a care of who or what they destroying everything and then the excused start "she said", "I did not say I would pick up the cake!" Shortly after party is over"sperm donor", grabs a beer and plops down in from of TV. Mom gets to take of her precious little birthday but is trying to deal with baby and Mr. I'm the dad is calling out for wife to hurry up and get him another. Couple of recommendations:get a journal, any time he does something to demean, write it in the, date,time,activity, public or in private. Also who else was there and finally, the emotional toil it takes on both you and your child.
So his brother is a POS, everyone knows he's a POS, yet HE asks if he's TA for calling him out on it?
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