“Only Smart Brides Save Money”: Fiancé Loses It After Finding Out His Wife-To-Be Spent $400 Of Her Own Money On A Wedding Dress
In an ideal world, planning a wedding would be a thrill. An absolute blast. Something people would spend $40K on and walk away with no regret, just beautiful memories. But the reality is much more mundane. Stuff like creating the guest list, choosing a venue or trying to find the perfect wedding dress can make anyone stressed. And although disagreements are normal when dealing with something this big, sometimes they are really irrational.
One Reddit user u/AITA__return2021 shared her story on r/AITA about how her fiancé demanded she returns a $400 wedding dress that she bought with her own money. After the woman refused, he said that “only smart brides save money instead of blowing it all on… a dress.”
As you can guess, that did not go down well with the bride-to-be, who just wanted to look her best on this special occasion. Scroll down to read the whole story below and be sure to share your thoughts on whether you think the author was right or wrong.
A woman shared how her fiancé demanded that she would return a $400 wedding dress because she bought it without consulting him
Image credits: Tom Pumford (not the actual photo)
Wife-to-be is asking if she did the wrong thing, even if the boyfriend called her irresponsible and childish
The redditor’s post received quite a bit of attention, collecting almost 15K upvotes in just four days. Not to mention the 3.7K comments from the AITA community who decided that it’s the fiancé who’s being unreasonable.
When the bride-to-be finally found the perfect wedding dress, the first question from her fiancé was: how much did it cost? And $400, as the user said, is not considered a great deal where she lives. However, it sparked an argument between them. According to the author, her fiancé is often overdramatic when it comes to financials.
Well, conversations around money are not the most pleasant ones. Talking about finances is often draining and might be an emotional trigger that leads to conflicts. One explanation is that people look at money differently and it’s often because of how we were raised. If you spent it freely, you might have pleasant feelings towards it. But if you’re used to a household with a strict budget, you might see it as exhausting.
Stress in America did a study in 2014 to measure attitudes and perceptions of stress among the general public. The survey was conducted online and had 3,068 recipients who reside in the U.S. The results show that stress about finances is spread nationwide. Regardless of the economic climate, money has consistently topped the list of stressors since their first survey in 2007.
Nearly three-quarters of adults report feeling stressed about financials at least some of the time and nearly one-quarter say that they experience extreme worry about it. And it does not seem to get better since the majority of the recipients said that the level of stress about money has remained the same or increased in the past year.
Also, almost a third of spouses and partners say that money is a major source of tension in their relationship. If spouses argue about money quite often and the disagreements remain unresolved, it could get problematic. The researchers said that because of the pressure people feel, “41 percent of adults who are married or living with a partner say that they lost patience or yelled at their spouse or partner due to stress in the past month.“
However, it is possible to discuss financials without any drama or conflict. Patrice Washington, personal finance expert, and author of Redefine Wealth for Yourself: How to Stop Chasing Money and Finally Live Your Life’s Purpose shared three rules on how to talk about it with your partner.
First, understand financial blueprints. By this, Washington means figuring out your and your partner’s background and feelings towards money. It’s all about listening and reflecting which could lead to a quicker conflict resolution in the future.
Second, try to figure out common ground. Now that you know each other’s financial blueprints, you should move the conversation further and ask: “What is our way?” This is the part where you negotiate because the answer should be a win-win for both of you.
Lastly, quit nagging and start leading. Both people in the relationship need to be respectful and understanding of each other. Complaints fill the environment with resistance and resentment and such feelings do not belong in a healthy relationship. Remember that finding the right way for both of you might take weeks, months, and sometimes years. But it does not mean you should not at least try.
Redditors were unanimous and saw boyfriend’s behavior as controlling
Signs: 1) He wanted to come to the shop with her. 2)Return dress 3) smart brides save money 4) spoiled 16yo 5) consulting him about the dress 6) irresponsible with her money 7) ultimatum xzy days and then we'll talk 8) inconsiderate of his feelings. RUN BABY RUN. That's why he divorced the other woman, he's a controlling SH!T.
he calls her a spoiled kid while pitching a fit.
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AYFKM? $400 on a dress you absolutely love is a STEAL. Dump him, but keep the dress. Hold an "I narrowly escaped marrying a controlling asshole" party with your besties. Or save it for when you get married to someone who actually values you.
This is not a man you want to marry. Please, please, please listen to the women who have been there..... run away and don't look back.
Exactly. This is the precursor to more insidious and violent abuse. Run, and don't look back!
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Don't do this! Do not marry this man! I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love and look forward to having a future with, it may seem somewhat embarrassing. Been there, had to do that. So glad I did. There are so many red flags here that you are surrounded by. Flag #1, Have a say in your dress that you paid for with your money? Flag #2, He belittled you personally about this Flag #3, Laughs in your face, Flag #4, He tells you that HE'S the decision maker, Flag #5 Ultimatum, Flag #6 He refuses to engage with you in any way until you do as he tells you to do. This is just a glimpse of your future if you marry this man. He's starting out the control thing with what is important to you, financial control and control of decisions, which is essentially about your independence. If he succeeds with these it will move on to other things. I see isolation from family in future if you marry this man. LEAVE!! This is actually a danger sign ahead. You deserve so much better.
So, what does he want - a bimbo? If he's afraid of smart women, he's a wuss and a coward.
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Now I understand the tradition of not allowing the groom to see the dress before the wedding. Seriously, though, he's displaying all the red flags in plain view.
Absolutely. Where is this guy from that he thinks the groom gets any say so about the bridal dress?
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Someone is lying to themselves here, calling that "a decent man"
Really makes me wonder what dumpster fire the other exes came from.
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Testing the waters re control over her, either consciously or not. Run.
Keep the dress, lose the man. She can wear it to celebrate dodging a bullet.
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Noooo, do not marry this man. He is bad news. He's trying to control you financially, he's mocking you and very very selfish. That's just the beginning. Run, run now, coz he will make your life hell.
Wow. A $400 wedding dress shows you are financially responsible as they are usually at least 1k. He is choosing a dress over you. He's your fiancé, not your father, yet treats you as if you are his child which is creepy. He is not mature enough to be married to anyone. Throw the whole man out or your life will be hell with this controlling man-child.
The facts presented are: That's a good price for a wedding gown, she's working, and he's a doctor, and it's her own money anyway. So a $400 "dream" dress should be considered to be well within the couple's means under normal circumstances, so she needs to not only take a good hard look at his controlling personality and verbal abuse... but at his personal finances. A doctor should be making good money, enough to not worry about $400 for a special occasion, but he's going apeshit. Is he deep in debt? Does he spend every cent on himself? Does he gamble or have a drug habit?
Huge red flag. My husband has never once questioned how I spend my money and I never question how he spends his. No one should ever be that controlling of their partner. Be grateful you aren't married and leave. He is controlling and will seek to control every part of her life. This isn't about money, this is about a man who is manipulative, demeaning, and seeking to treat his partner like a child. Leave.
Take his advice. Marry the goddamned dress. Will be way happier than with him
Always look at the opposite of what is being said out loud. He is saying you are not smart, you're irresponsible, you're immature for having preferences/dreams. Nope. Since it's your money, it doesn't matter what it cost and you shouldn't have even felt the need to answer that question from him. I got my dress for $500, deal of the day in an era where people 'say yes' to dresses worth a down payment on a home. And how does he know you wouldn't have dyed the dress a different color and worn it to annual events for 10 years, reducing cost per use to $40?? What is his problem, thinking he can object to something like this?
NTA. He's divorced for a reason, and now you see why. I find a lot of male doctors are like this, because they're a doctor they have high and mighty airs and think they're better than everyone else, including their own partners. This guy will never treat you as an equal, you are a little girl to be manipulated and bullied in his eyes. Also, a doctor arguing over a $400 dress? Is he a free doctor who's poor? Otherwise the money isn't the issue, it's the control. He doesn't like that you made a decision without him, and he HATES that you're sticking to your guns on your choices. He will expect you to forever be the "yes dear" person in the relationship and do whatever he says for the rest of your life. Break off the engagement, move out, and leave him to seek his next divorce, cus it's guaranteed. Run, woman, RUN.
I agree with you, I am just not convinced about the part about generalizing all of the doctors thinking they're better than everyone else. I know a lot of doctors who are wonderful professionals and humble human beings.
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My cousin was married to this guy. He only allowed her to turn on the heat when he was home because he thought it was too expensive to heat the house in the daytime for just her. Best thing she ever did was divorce him.
What. The f**k? A) $400 is super cheap for a wedding dress, and B) thus just sounds like he wants to control her decisions and the wedding. I'd get the hell out, man.
Here’s this woman wondering if she did something wrong when he was clearly being very emotionally abusive. So glad he’s gone because the abuse would escalate as the years went by. And with kids caught in the mix it likely would be even harder to escape. This is a classic abusive situation and I say that with personal knowledge.
He clearly doesn't value her or her choices. He considers her like a child (evidenced by his calling her a 16 year-old. Think about it, A parent has some control over what the child does. I'm guessing this wasn't the first red flag in that relationship. Most grooms wouldn't except to go wedding dress shopping with the bride. Just think about major purchases in the future. His choice would always overrule. He has no right to tell her what to do with her money. Run....fast.
You feel like he is a step up from people you've dated before and that this is just ONE thing and no one is perfect, I get that. But this isn't just a money thing, he showed at least 4 to 5 extremely toxic behaviors in this one altercation. I don't care if he's a doctor, super handsome, etc. He's HORRIBLE RUN
To me, the main thing here is that this is something she bought with HER money. It's not like she ransacked his wallet. I'm getting married next year and don't give two flips about a dress or a ring... however if my partner had his heart set on something for himself and brought it with money he set aside... why should I fret?
Save this beautiful dress for a: your FFTA party, (Freedom from the um.. Avocado) and then find a guy worthy of you and if you are still in love with the dress, wear it to marry him, or wow! Here's a crazy thought!! Buy another one!! Seriously, I've been there. Get rid of this guy.
She definitely needs to return the dress, move out, call off the relationship. Or, keep the dress for the future, if it doesn't keep bad memories for her.
I'm split about this one. I think he is right that a wedding dress does not have to be expensive and US Americans are blowing weddings out of proportion anyway. But, from what I've seen so far 400$ IS quite cheap for US standards. Plus: they want to get married. It should not just be "my money, your money". Big decisions should be made together, because they will impact them both in the long run. But, from what I've seen so far 400$ IS quite cheap for US standards. Having said this, I think his behaviour is appalling. He does not talk WITH her, he talks down to her like with a little child. "My way or the high way". He sounds controlling and disrespectful.
Question for fellow pandas: I keep seeing phrases like "I've been dreaming of my wedding dress since ___" or "I've been planning my dream wedding since I was ___". Is this normal, and is it gender-specific? It seems like an unhealthy goal, especially to set so early on. Whether it's a wedding or some other material goal, I think this kind of behavior builds a sense of entitlement. [Not specific to this couple]
A dream as good as any other, I would say. Dreamed of having a Barbie doll, owning a laptop/desktop, having my own place to live, going to Japan. All very materialistic goals, right? But can't really think of any reasons for them to be unhealthy. All came true and all brought me immense joy. Of course, if your dream becomes an obsession and you start ruining your life as you're trying to make the dream come true... But that's not always the case, now, is it?
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Choosing a dress over him? Christ, I'd choose a kick to the tits over him nevermind a f*****g dress.
Both seem unprepared for the partnership of marriage. Discussions about wedding budgets and expectations should have been had openly right from the off. When my wife and I decided to get married we sat down and worked out how much money we felt comfortable committing to the wedding celebrations, and after doing so, decided how we would divide paying for it to account for our different financial situations.
This makes sense for shared expenses, and I think you two approached your wedding in a smart way. Whatever you may think of tradition, typically the bride and/or her family pay for her attire for the wedding - this means the husband doesn't have any say, or need to know about a dollar amount at all. This isn't groceries or rent.
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Vynaxleigh 40.3k points 4 days ago NTA. I think you caught a glimpse of what caused the first divorce
Wasn’t finished my comment…Vynaxleigh was exactly right with her comment.
Load More Replies... $400 is like, unheard of cheap for a wedding dress. She should tell him she'll return it for a cheaper one if he agrees to wear a suit that costs less than $100 for the wedding.
No he should just wear a normal shirt and nice trousers if he’s so bothered about that cheap of a wedding dress
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EESH on thiss one. Comments coming from US seem so one sided. Where I cam from, however, 400 for a dress is a luxury and doctors, being paid by the government, usually cannot afford such luxury. Let's say this if OP can afford this splurge - "the doctor is an AH". If you struggle to ends meet by the end of the month - he is right.
My father was emotionally and physically abusive. This was the sort of s**t he would pull. Please dump this guy and get away. Change your locks, etc if you've both been living at your property! I had a total breakdown 35 years after I last saw that arsehole and still suffer with depression and low self-esteem. He narrowly missed killing or, in the least, blinding my sister for making a noise walking on the patio (about 5 steps) at 7.30am. My mother stopped him. He was using her own belt (with a 2x1" brass letter A, 5mm thick with a blunt spike to go through the belt holes as a buckle) to beat her around the face. She was 15, I was 12. She still has the scars.
I initially thought he was upset as it was his money that had been spent on the dress and I was leaning to NAH/ESH but holy crap it was YOUR money??? run for the goddamn mountains. idk if 400$ is cheap for a dress or not, but it was your money and it doesn't sound like spending that immediately meant yall had to cut down on essentials or something. Plus, setting an ultimatum like "do what i want you to do, and THEN we'll talk"???? HUGE RED FLAG, absolutely crazy. you do not make demands like that when you claim to want to talk. OP is lucky to get a sign before the marriage yikes
The last commenter said it all. This is not about you, it is all about what he wants. Marry him and you will gradually stop being you and become an extension of him. He will tell you what to eat, how, when; it will be he knows better than you because he is a doctor.
Dear OP - You have been warned. If you go through with this wedding you are beyond stupid and weak. DO NOT allow this to happen! Get a grip woman, you did not even need to ask- You know the answer. Pack up your s**t and get the eff out. Don't talk to him, don't call him. Don't say anything. Leave your keys and walk the hell out. He doesn't deserve anything further.
Wow he'd have a stroke if he knew what my wedding dress cost. $2500 and no I didn't buy it I wanted a cheaper one, but my fiance's parents went with me, they actually saw it and wanted me to try it on and it was the only dress that made me cry. They bought it for me as a wedding gift. My alterations, I paid for and was 700. (and that was "cheap") My future hubby (we get married next month) was thrilled and he doesn't even know what it looks like because I won't let him see it. I guess what I'm trying to say is girl....RUN. this guys is a douche nozzel. Call his ex wife bet she has MANY similar stories. Take that dress and wear it to your counseling sessions and find your worth. He is NOT a good guy he's a piece of s**t.
Wake up! He doesn't care about your feelings, and probably wanted to end things anyway. Get rid of him pronto. You will be so unhappy with this jerk.
Does he have any idea how much wedding dresses cost? I'm curious how she found a nice dress for that little? And I'll bet he wouldn't bat an eyelash at buying himself a $4000 Brioni suit.
The man is a narcistic bully and his controlling behaviour will only get worse over time. I have just left a man like this after 20 years and he has destroyed my confidence in myself, my looks, my integrity, my ability to do the simplest of things. Please reconsider being in a relationship with someone who acts like this. I wouldn't wish living in a controlling relationship on my worst enemy.
Phew! I'd run from this bloke as far as I could get. Major red flag here. He's trouble...
So you live together and he left and is not talking to you? How much is he spending on that hotel he’s staying at? Better yet, how much was he planning on spending on his outfit? Return the dress and tell him you decided to do it his way and show up in your pajamas because it’s no big deal—it’s only a wedding. No church services, no reception. Invite your friends over for nothing special and tell them they need to bring their own food and alcohol. No flowers, no cake, no vows, no rings, no nadda. And then forget to show up because “no big deal.”
If I would found a dress that makes me happy, i am sure that my husband would be happier than me. 25 years of marriage yesterday.
This is the beginning of not of ABUSE. I have been down this road and ended very ugly relationships engaged due to abusive traits like this. My psychologist friends said that this type of behavior is a narcissistic person and TO RUN and GET OUT AS FAST AS YOU CAN! I had a child with an ASS HOLE LIKE THIS and it near ruined my life and I never married and ran like hell. It is very difficult to manage a life with an ass hole narcissistic insecure abusive controlling jerk like this. I will not ever be able to tell you enough how much it sucks to ruin apart of your life having a child with someone like this. The children typically suffer or child with the good parent. Men that are titled or military with titles think they are God send to women with an inflated ego. So his behavior lets me know he is not into you, that there is another women he is seeing and cheating, that your just a free piece of ass to him that he wants power and control over to manipulate and control like a pedophile.
Run. He'll hit u. Such is a !@#$ narcissistic bastard. If u choose to stay, learn martial arts. Make sure yr first hit brings u to the ground!! Before he gets up, stomp on him!!
This is a sad story. This is not marriage material. This is awful that he had such a meltdown about a dress all she wants to do is look pretty. He's not the one you want to spend the rest of your life.with. if she does marry him it's not going to be easy the rest of her life it will be this kind of thing once I married and he said I can't wear lipstick or he wouldn't kiss me. Who talks like that later when we fell on hard times we received donations of a frozen turkey and other things for Thanksgiving he was so mad about it when he came home he threw them all on the front lawn these are not people you want to spend the rest of your life with it would cause anxiety and why would you want to have your future children with someone like this? People with this type of behavior are confusing because good-natured loving people like the bride think they did something wrong and good loving peaceful people want to just make it all better but he won't stop. He's trying to discipline the bride that's not his role. They're not a match
If the bride could see this, I'd suggest, as the previous advice columnist for Dear Pru, Emily Yoffe did, reading Gavin de Becker's book, The Gift of Fear. His behavior is that of an abuser. Bride needs to run and not look back.
Most dresses I've seen are between $800-$2000 wedding dresses, so $400 is a hell of a deal. No way in hell you'll find one for $150 or less. At least no where I've seen.
Other comments are spot on. Goes shopping with her? Wants to control her spending? Wants to be the one making decisions? A control freak who will only get worse. Contact his first wife and have a chat. But before all else RUN!
Keep the dress, toss the man. It's HARD to find your dream dress, but a savvy gal like you can find a less controlling and abusive and immature man!
I really really hope she calls off this wedding. Financial abuse 101: everything this guy is doing
Wake up, sweetie! Open your eyes and see all the blatantly obvious red flags that everyone here is trying telling you about. Man-baby thinks you’re a blank slate because you’re so much younger that he is—-a blank slate he can do what he wants with. Like groom, oh hell yeah I said groom, to be his idea of the “perfect wife” (probably one with a kind of a Stepford vibe going on). That’s HIS idea, not yours, or anyone else’s for that matter. Call the whole damn thing off—-do it with your friends and family around you. Keep the dress. Give him back whatever ring he gave you (probably going to turn your finger green anyway). Move out—-also with your friends and family around you—-do not be alone with him! Have s9me fun. Carefully put the dress away until you meet someone who truly deserves you—-not this man-baby, stay far far away from him (he will try to get you back—-do not, repeat NOT go back!). Then bring the dress out, wear it, and let it bring you extra joy at your future wedding.
Oh girl, get your dress and 🏃♀️! He’s controlling and that sometimes lead to physical abuse. You didn’t do what he said, How many times has he told you …He will say that to you. Come on, you deserve someone better.
Big red flag. Run for your life girl. This is not a man you want to get married to. He will control the rest if your life. A good man would have bought the dress for you!
This is the wake up call that you need. Return the dress, and use that money to get yourself a new apartment. Sort through the possessions and take your items. Block his number and leave the key on the counter. You are escaping with only your pride dented, not with 2 kids and a mortgage. This is not about the dress, it is about his absolute need to control you and your choices. If you stay and give in it is only a matter of time until you have to ask his permission to do anything. That isn't adult love, that is parental love. In a few days he will come back with a big bouquet of flowers and tears in his eyes. After you return the dress and any shred of dignity you have. So now is the time to leave, a little older and a little wiser. Because if you stay it says he is the adult and you are the child. Don't spend your allowance without his permission. Even if you are earning the money.
i dont understand a tantrum from a doctor who supposedly is kind of rich about a 400€ dress. She can even re-sell it after. I paid around 300-400€ for a RENT of my wedding dress in a country where an average salary is around 1000€/month and many dont even have that ( i am slightly above). Paying 400€ for the PURCHASE of the dream wedding dress is a deal. I could have bought a different dress for the 400€ but that one wasnt the dream dress. the dress is the most important thing for every bride ( apart fromr the groom) and you would be dissapointed the whole life if you returned the dream dress. The fiance probably doesnt know anything about wedding dresses and I doubt he really understands the OP's feelings. giving the ultimatum is a big red flag. this is a really weird situation
You should definitely listen to these comments here. 400 for wedding dress is not a lot and you paid is from your own money and it's not like you spend it on drugs, alcohol or online poker. You didn't ruin anything with making this purchase, but it showed you important thing: this dude should not be one hearing "I do" from you. Keep the dress. Seems like it came in your way for purpose. Drop the guy.
This is what I call a "close shave". Let me preface that I find extravagant wedding expenses a blight on our society and I fail to understand spending what amounts to a house down payment on a wedding. But a $500 wedding dress? $500!!! And the guy, a Doctor no less, is choosing to die on this hill? He is wrong, wrong, wrong, but even worse, he is controlling, stingy, and an a$$hole to boot. He would be in the wrong if the dress cost 3 times that. I may be a cranky old fart that despises Bridezillas, but this poor woman has every right to choose her own frigging wedding dress. Does he think they live in the 50s? Separate immediately or this will be divorce #2 for both of them. A guy like that needs to remain a bachelor and rent a girlfriend among professional sex workers that can leave his house the moment he gets his rocks off. Still, I'd pity the poor woman, as he'd probably haggle for a better deal post coitum. One last suggestion for the not-likely to be a bride, use commas. Please.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND. This is a controlling person who you are now seeing the barest little of the their soon to be unfettered controlling attitude toward you. As any one knows, the wedding is for the Bride, it is her day. If they could have the wedding with out the Groom they would. This is not to say the wedding should be out of control in spending, but as the Bride said, $400 is a good price for a dress that if you chose to could sell after the wedding for $250 easily.
RUN, honey, just RUN!!!! I agree, this is a blessing in disguise, this guy has control issues and probably needs a lot of therapy to deal with it. You deserve someone who respects you. I understand being upset about a much higher purchase, maybe a car, a piece of furniture that both of you will use, but being this nervous becaus of a fricking dress???? A cheap wedding dress for that matter, that you paid with the money you earned??? If you marry this guy he'll abuse you financially and emotionally too. So, RUN, BABY!!!!!
RUN. This is why he's a divorcée, he sounded controlling if he gets angry for you treating your special on what supposed to be a special day for many couples. He may get worse as the year goes by. You know you deserved to treat yourself well, especially with the money you've honestly earned; he can't accept that then it's his problem not yours. His insecurities is NOT your problem and you owe him nothing.
I would definitely return the dress because I would not be marrying this guy.
I just had an experience with a friend who married a guy like this and over time he started to control more and more, and now she has lost her job, isn't able to do the things she likes, and doesn't even see her friends anymore... She's like a shadow of her former self. If he can't let you have your own opinion and be ok with you liking the things you like, if he tells you that you are like an immature teenager and aren't responsible, that's a sign he'll never respect you he just wants to own you, and your life won't be yours anymore.
You’re only TA if you don’t end any and all involvement with this man.
he's a controlling prick and she shouldn't marry him, obviously. That said, $400 for an item of clothing you will wear only once is still stupid. I don't care if other people spend thousands; that's just more stupid.
it is an event that ideally happens once in a life and they will remember it till they die. 400€ for a wedding dress in US is a good deal and she can still re-sell it. Everything is expensive about weddings. yes you can just go to the mayor in a casual dress ( or how you guys call the place for civilian weddings) or to Las Vegas as we see in movies and save some money.BUT if you decide to have a weddimg reception with guests and all you would look ridiculous in an everyday dress you normally wear to work or to a party. Since he is a doctor a 400€ dress should not be an issue and she bought it herself
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NTA. $400 is ridiculously low for a wedding dress. In fairness, boys don't always understand that. Take him to a bridal shop and have him look at the price of most wedding dresses, then point out you saved like 90%. If he apologizes, fine; if he won't back down, reconsider if you want to keep having this fight all your life.
He may have grown up poor and gotten an education on a scholarship, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. The fact of the matter is that this is just the beginning. Are you choosing a dress over him? No, what you are choosing is the autonomy to make a decision. Since he moved out to somewhere unknown this gives you an opportunity to start going through your stuff. Decide what items to keep or discard and then find a place to go. The minute he walked out the door and gave you an ultimatum is the minute he decided the relationship was over. At this point it is about him winning and you losing. So pack your things, return the dress and use that money to help with a down payment on an apartment. Your lucky that this happened now, at the virtual beginning of the relationship and not 5 years down the line when you have 2.2 kids and a mortgage and would find it hard to cut ties. Block his number on your phone, and leave your key in the apartment when you leave. Slippery slope.
Nice Peach says: Run away as fast as your legs can carry you. Evil Peach says: Keep it for the wedding, and later dye it black to wear to your divorce hearing or his funeral, whichever comes first. And if you do marry this jerk, you can make a nice bouquet out of all those pretty red flags.
I'd love to hear both sides of this story. I honestly didn't finish reading it because everything about it was her painting him in a bad light. She could simply do no wrong yet everything about him is wrong. And she's just now seeing it? After 2 years? If he is like she says he is things like this would have popped up long before.
1) what other side of this story would make this behavior ok? 2) you are dangerously close to victim blaming. Not a good look.
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Aaaah... those classic wedding posts... Do what you think you must do and be that a**hole... or not!!! Who cares?
Why bother commenting if you don't care? Just move on.
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The thing about all these AITA-stories is, that you only hear one side of the story. Nobody knows if they're really telling the truth and how the story would be when the "accused" would tell it.
What other story would make this behavior acceptable?
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That's a very good price for a wedding dress, and if he's losing his s**t over getting a good price on an expensive item... she needs to look VERY carefully at what he's spending on himself. Someone who'll lose his s**t over a good deal on something that should be well within the couple's means is either a complete asshole, and/or he's concealing financial problems from his fiancee.
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In the great majority of cases, the person asking is being reasonable and often they’re being gaslighted or manipulated. But if it bothers you so much, why on Earth are you reading the articles?
Load More Replies... Signs: 1) He wanted to come to the shop with her. 2)Return dress 3) smart brides save money 4) spoiled 16yo 5) consulting him about the dress 6) irresponsible with her money 7) ultimatum xzy days and then we'll talk 8) inconsiderate of his feelings. RUN BABY RUN. That's why he divorced the other woman, he's a controlling SH!T.
he calls her a spoiled kid while pitching a fit.
Load More Replies... AYFKM? $400 on a dress you absolutely love is a STEAL. Dump him, but keep the dress. Hold an "I narrowly escaped marrying a controlling asshole" party with your besties. Or save it for when you get married to someone who actually values you.
This is not a man you want to marry. Please, please, please listen to the women who have been there..... run away and don't look back.
Exactly. This is the precursor to more insidious and violent abuse. Run, and don't look back!
Load More Replies... Don't do this! Do not marry this man! I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love and look forward to having a future with, it may seem somewhat embarrassing. Been there, had to do that. So glad I did. There are so many red flags here that you are surrounded by. Flag #1, Have a say in your dress that you paid for with your money? Flag #2, He belittled you personally about this Flag #3, Laughs in your face, Flag #4, He tells you that HE'S the decision maker, Flag #5 Ultimatum, Flag #6 He refuses to engage with you in any way until you do as he tells you to do. This is just a glimpse of your future if you marry this man. He's starting out the control thing with what is important to you, financial control and control of decisions, which is essentially about your independence. If he succeeds with these it will move on to other things. I see isolation from family in future if you marry this man. LEAVE!! This is actually a danger sign ahead. You deserve so much better.
So, what does he want - a bimbo? If he's afraid of smart women, he's a wuss and a coward.
Load More Replies... Now I understand the tradition of not allowing the groom to see the dress before the wedding. Seriously, though, he's displaying all the red flags in plain view.
Absolutely. Where is this guy from that he thinks the groom gets any say so about the bridal dress?
Load More Replies... Someone is lying to themselves here, calling that "a decent man"
Really makes me wonder what dumpster fire the other exes came from.
Load More Replies... Testing the waters re control over her, either consciously or not. Run.
Keep the dress, lose the man. She can wear it to celebrate dodging a bullet.
Load More Replies... Noooo, do not marry this man. He is bad news. He's trying to control you financially, he's mocking you and very very selfish. That's just the beginning. Run, run now, coz he will make your life hell.
Wow. A $400 wedding dress shows you are financially responsible as they are usually at least 1k. He is choosing a dress over you. He's your fiancé, not your father, yet treats you as if you are his child which is creepy. He is not mature enough to be married to anyone. Throw the whole man out or your life will be hell with this controlling man-child.
The facts presented are: That's a good price for a wedding gown, she's working, and he's a doctor, and it's her own money anyway. So a $400 "dream" dress should be considered to be well within the couple's means under normal circumstances, so she needs to not only take a good hard look at his controlling personality and verbal abuse... but at his personal finances. A doctor should be making good money, enough to not worry about $400 for a special occasion, but he's going apeshit. Is he deep in debt? Does he spend every cent on himself? Does he gamble or have a drug habit?
Huge red flag. My husband has never once questioned how I spend my money and I never question how he spends his. No one should ever be that controlling of their partner. Be grateful you aren't married and leave. He is controlling and will seek to control every part of her life. This isn't about money, this is about a man who is manipulative, demeaning, and seeking to treat his partner like a child. Leave.
Take his advice. Marry the goddamned dress. Will be way happier than with him
Always look at the opposite of what is being said out loud. He is saying you are not smart, you're irresponsible, you're immature for having preferences/dreams. Nope. Since it's your money, it doesn't matter what it cost and you shouldn't have even felt the need to answer that question from him. I got my dress for $500, deal of the day in an era where people 'say yes' to dresses worth a down payment on a home. And how does he know you wouldn't have dyed the dress a different color and worn it to annual events for 10 years, reducing cost per use to $40?? What is his problem, thinking he can object to something like this?
NTA. He's divorced for a reason, and now you see why. I find a lot of male doctors are like this, because they're a doctor they have high and mighty airs and think they're better than everyone else, including their own partners. This guy will never treat you as an equal, you are a little girl to be manipulated and bullied in his eyes. Also, a doctor arguing over a $400 dress? Is he a free doctor who's poor? Otherwise the money isn't the issue, it's the control. He doesn't like that you made a decision without him, and he HATES that you're sticking to your guns on your choices. He will expect you to forever be the "yes dear" person in the relationship and do whatever he says for the rest of your life. Break off the engagement, move out, and leave him to seek his next divorce, cus it's guaranteed. Run, woman, RUN.
I agree with you, I am just not convinced about the part about generalizing all of the doctors thinking they're better than everyone else. I know a lot of doctors who are wonderful professionals and humble human beings.
Load More Replies... My cousin was married to this guy. He only allowed her to turn on the heat when he was home because he thought it was too expensive to heat the house in the daytime for just her. Best thing she ever did was divorce him.
What. The f**k? A) $400 is super cheap for a wedding dress, and B) thus just sounds like he wants to control her decisions and the wedding. I'd get the hell out, man.
Here’s this woman wondering if she did something wrong when he was clearly being very emotionally abusive. So glad he’s gone because the abuse would escalate as the years went by. And with kids caught in the mix it likely would be even harder to escape. This is a classic abusive situation and I say that with personal knowledge.
He clearly doesn't value her or her choices. He considers her like a child (evidenced by his calling her a 16 year-old. Think about it, A parent has some control over what the child does. I'm guessing this wasn't the first red flag in that relationship. Most grooms wouldn't except to go wedding dress shopping with the bride. Just think about major purchases in the future. His choice would always overrule. He has no right to tell her what to do with her money. Run....fast.
You feel like he is a step up from people you've dated before and that this is just ONE thing and no one is perfect, I get that. But this isn't just a money thing, he showed at least 4 to 5 extremely toxic behaviors in this one altercation. I don't care if he's a doctor, super handsome, etc. He's HORRIBLE RUN
To me, the main thing here is that this is something she bought with HER money. It's not like she ransacked his wallet. I'm getting married next year and don't give two flips about a dress or a ring... however if my partner had his heart set on something for himself and brought it with money he set aside... why should I fret?
Save this beautiful dress for a: your FFTA party, (Freedom from the um.. Avocado) and then find a guy worthy of you and if you are still in love with the dress, wear it to marry him, or wow! Here's a crazy thought!! Buy another one!! Seriously, I've been there. Get rid of this guy.
She definitely needs to return the dress, move out, call off the relationship. Or, keep the dress for the future, if it doesn't keep bad memories for her.
I'm split about this one. I think he is right that a wedding dress does not have to be expensive and US Americans are blowing weddings out of proportion anyway. But, from what I've seen so far 400$ IS quite cheap for US standards. Plus: they want to get married. It should not just be "my money, your money". Big decisions should be made together, because they will impact them both in the long run. But, from what I've seen so far 400$ IS quite cheap for US standards. Having said this, I think his behaviour is appalling. He does not talk WITH her, he talks down to her like with a little child. "My way or the high way". He sounds controlling and disrespectful.
Question for fellow pandas: I keep seeing phrases like "I've been dreaming of my wedding dress since ___" or "I've been planning my dream wedding since I was ___". Is this normal, and is it gender-specific? It seems like an unhealthy goal, especially to set so early on. Whether it's a wedding or some other material goal, I think this kind of behavior builds a sense of entitlement. [Not specific to this couple]
A dream as good as any other, I would say. Dreamed of having a Barbie doll, owning a laptop/desktop, having my own place to live, going to Japan. All very materialistic goals, right? But can't really think of any reasons for them to be unhealthy. All came true and all brought me immense joy. Of course, if your dream becomes an obsession and you start ruining your life as you're trying to make the dream come true... But that's not always the case, now, is it?
Load More Replies... Choosing a dress over him? Christ, I'd choose a kick to the tits over him nevermind a f*****g dress.
Both seem unprepared for the partnership of marriage. Discussions about wedding budgets and expectations should have been had openly right from the off. When my wife and I decided to get married we sat down and worked out how much money we felt comfortable committing to the wedding celebrations, and after doing so, decided how we would divide paying for it to account for our different financial situations.
This makes sense for shared expenses, and I think you two approached your wedding in a smart way. Whatever you may think of tradition, typically the bride and/or her family pay for her attire for the wedding - this means the husband doesn't have any say, or need to know about a dollar amount at all. This isn't groceries or rent.
Load More Replies... Vynaxleigh 40.3k points 4 days ago NTA. I think you caught a glimpse of what caused the first divorce
Wasn’t finished my comment…Vynaxleigh was exactly right with her comment.
Load More Replies... $400 is like, unheard of cheap for a wedding dress. She should tell him she'll return it for a cheaper one if he agrees to wear a suit that costs less than $100 for the wedding.
No he should just wear a normal shirt and nice trousers if he’s so bothered about that cheap of a wedding dress
Load More Replies... EESH on thiss one. Comments coming from US seem so one sided. Where I cam from, however, 400 for a dress is a luxury and doctors, being paid by the government, usually cannot afford such luxury. Let's say this if OP can afford this splurge - "the doctor is an AH". If you struggle to ends meet by the end of the month - he is right.
My father was emotionally and physically abusive. This was the sort of s**t he would pull. Please dump this guy and get away. Change your locks, etc if you've both been living at your property! I had a total breakdown 35 years after I last saw that arsehole and still suffer with depression and low self-esteem. He narrowly missed killing or, in the least, blinding my sister for making a noise walking on the patio (about 5 steps) at 7.30am. My mother stopped him. He was using her own belt (with a 2x1" brass letter A, 5mm thick with a blunt spike to go through the belt holes as a buckle) to beat her around the face. She was 15, I was 12. She still has the scars.
I initially thought he was upset as it was his money that had been spent on the dress and I was leaning to NAH/ESH but holy crap it was YOUR money??? run for the goddamn mountains. idk if 400$ is cheap for a dress or not, but it was your money and it doesn't sound like spending that immediately meant yall had to cut down on essentials or something. Plus, setting an ultimatum like "do what i want you to do, and THEN we'll talk"???? HUGE RED FLAG, absolutely crazy. you do not make demands like that when you claim to want to talk. OP is lucky to get a sign before the marriage yikes
The last commenter said it all. This is not about you, it is all about what he wants. Marry him and you will gradually stop being you and become an extension of him. He will tell you what to eat, how, when; it will be he knows better than you because he is a doctor.
Dear OP - You have been warned. If you go through with this wedding you are beyond stupid and weak. DO NOT allow this to happen! Get a grip woman, you did not even need to ask- You know the answer. Pack up your s**t and get the eff out. Don't talk to him, don't call him. Don't say anything. Leave your keys and walk the hell out. He doesn't deserve anything further.
Wow he'd have a stroke if he knew what my wedding dress cost. $2500 and no I didn't buy it I wanted a cheaper one, but my fiance's parents went with me, they actually saw it and wanted me to try it on and it was the only dress that made me cry. They bought it for me as a wedding gift. My alterations, I paid for and was 700. (and that was "cheap") My future hubby (we get married next month) was thrilled and he doesn't even know what it looks like because I won't let him see it. I guess what I'm trying to say is girl....RUN. this guys is a douche nozzel. Call his ex wife bet she has MANY similar stories. Take that dress and wear it to your counseling sessions and find your worth. He is NOT a good guy he's a piece of s**t.
Wake up! He doesn't care about your feelings, and probably wanted to end things anyway. Get rid of him pronto. You will be so unhappy with this jerk.
Does he have any idea how much wedding dresses cost? I'm curious how she found a nice dress for that little? And I'll bet he wouldn't bat an eyelash at buying himself a $4000 Brioni suit.
The man is a narcistic bully and his controlling behaviour will only get worse over time. I have just left a man like this after 20 years and he has destroyed my confidence in myself, my looks, my integrity, my ability to do the simplest of things. Please reconsider being in a relationship with someone who acts like this. I wouldn't wish living in a controlling relationship on my worst enemy.
Phew! I'd run from this bloke as far as I could get. Major red flag here. He's trouble...
So you live together and he left and is not talking to you? How much is he spending on that hotel he’s staying at? Better yet, how much was he planning on spending on his outfit? Return the dress and tell him you decided to do it his way and show up in your pajamas because it’s no big deal—it’s only a wedding. No church services, no reception. Invite your friends over for nothing special and tell them they need to bring their own food and alcohol. No flowers, no cake, no vows, no rings, no nadda. And then forget to show up because “no big deal.”
If I would found a dress that makes me happy, i am sure that my husband would be happier than me. 25 years of marriage yesterday.
This is the beginning of not of ABUSE. I have been down this road and ended very ugly relationships engaged due to abusive traits like this. My psychologist friends said that this type of behavior is a narcissistic person and TO RUN and GET OUT AS FAST AS YOU CAN! I had a child with an ASS HOLE LIKE THIS and it near ruined my life and I never married and ran like hell. It is very difficult to manage a life with an ass hole narcissistic insecure abusive controlling jerk like this. I will not ever be able to tell you enough how much it sucks to ruin apart of your life having a child with someone like this. The children typically suffer or child with the good parent. Men that are titled or military with titles think they are God send to women with an inflated ego. So his behavior lets me know he is not into you, that there is another women he is seeing and cheating, that your just a free piece of ass to him that he wants power and control over to manipulate and control like a pedophile.
Run. He'll hit u. Such is a !@#$ narcissistic bastard. If u choose to stay, learn martial arts. Make sure yr first hit brings u to the ground!! Before he gets up, stomp on him!!
This is a sad story. This is not marriage material. This is awful that he had such a meltdown about a dress all she wants to do is look pretty. He's not the one you want to spend the rest of your life.with. if she does marry him it's not going to be easy the rest of her life it will be this kind of thing once I married and he said I can't wear lipstick or he wouldn't kiss me. Who talks like that later when we fell on hard times we received donations of a frozen turkey and other things for Thanksgiving he was so mad about it when he came home he threw them all on the front lawn these are not people you want to spend the rest of your life with it would cause anxiety and why would you want to have your future children with someone like this? People with this type of behavior are confusing because good-natured loving people like the bride think they did something wrong and good loving peaceful people want to just make it all better but he won't stop. He's trying to discipline the bride that's not his role. They're not a match
If the bride could see this, I'd suggest, as the previous advice columnist for Dear Pru, Emily Yoffe did, reading Gavin de Becker's book, The Gift of Fear. His behavior is that of an abuser. Bride needs to run and not look back.
Most dresses I've seen are between $800-$2000 wedding dresses, so $400 is a hell of a deal. No way in hell you'll find one for $150 or less. At least no where I've seen.
Other comments are spot on. Goes shopping with her? Wants to control her spending? Wants to be the one making decisions? A control freak who will only get worse. Contact his first wife and have a chat. But before all else RUN!
Keep the dress, toss the man. It's HARD to find your dream dress, but a savvy gal like you can find a less controlling and abusive and immature man!
I really really hope she calls off this wedding. Financial abuse 101: everything this guy is doing
Wake up, sweetie! Open your eyes and see all the blatantly obvious red flags that everyone here is trying telling you about. Man-baby thinks you’re a blank slate because you’re so much younger that he is—-a blank slate he can do what he wants with. Like groom, oh hell yeah I said groom, to be his idea of the “perfect wife” (probably one with a kind of a Stepford vibe going on). That’s HIS idea, not yours, or anyone else’s for that matter. Call the whole damn thing off—-do it with your friends and family around you. Keep the dress. Give him back whatever ring he gave you (probably going to turn your finger green anyway). Move out—-also with your friends and family around you—-do not be alone with him! Have s9me fun. Carefully put the dress away until you meet someone who truly deserves you—-not this man-baby, stay far far away from him (he will try to get you back—-do not, repeat NOT go back!). Then bring the dress out, wear it, and let it bring you extra joy at your future wedding.
Oh girl, get your dress and 🏃♀️! He’s controlling and that sometimes lead to physical abuse. You didn’t do what he said, How many times has he told you …He will say that to you. Come on, you deserve someone better.
Big red flag. Run for your life girl. This is not a man you want to get married to. He will control the rest if your life. A good man would have bought the dress for you!
This is the wake up call that you need. Return the dress, and use that money to get yourself a new apartment. Sort through the possessions and take your items. Block his number and leave the key on the counter. You are escaping with only your pride dented, not with 2 kids and a mortgage. This is not about the dress, it is about his absolute need to control you and your choices. If you stay and give in it is only a matter of time until you have to ask his permission to do anything. That isn't adult love, that is parental love. In a few days he will come back with a big bouquet of flowers and tears in his eyes. After you return the dress and any shred of dignity you have. So now is the time to leave, a little older and a little wiser. Because if you stay it says he is the adult and you are the child. Don't spend your allowance without his permission. Even if you are earning the money.
i dont understand a tantrum from a doctor who supposedly is kind of rich about a 400€ dress. She can even re-sell it after. I paid around 300-400€ for a RENT of my wedding dress in a country where an average salary is around 1000€/month and many dont even have that ( i am slightly above). Paying 400€ for the PURCHASE of the dream wedding dress is a deal. I could have bought a different dress for the 400€ but that one wasnt the dream dress. the dress is the most important thing for every bride ( apart fromr the groom) and you would be dissapointed the whole life if you returned the dream dress. The fiance probably doesnt know anything about wedding dresses and I doubt he really understands the OP's feelings. giving the ultimatum is a big red flag. this is a really weird situation
You should definitely listen to these comments here. 400 for wedding dress is not a lot and you paid is from your own money and it's not like you spend it on drugs, alcohol or online poker. You didn't ruin anything with making this purchase, but it showed you important thing: this dude should not be one hearing "I do" from you. Keep the dress. Seems like it came in your way for purpose. Drop the guy.
This is what I call a "close shave". Let me preface that I find extravagant wedding expenses a blight on our society and I fail to understand spending what amounts to a house down payment on a wedding. But a $500 wedding dress? $500!!! And the guy, a Doctor no less, is choosing to die on this hill? He is wrong, wrong, wrong, but even worse, he is controlling, stingy, and an a$$hole to boot. He would be in the wrong if the dress cost 3 times that. I may be a cranky old fart that despises Bridezillas, but this poor woman has every right to choose her own frigging wedding dress. Does he think they live in the 50s? Separate immediately or this will be divorce #2 for both of them. A guy like that needs to remain a bachelor and rent a girlfriend among professional sex workers that can leave his house the moment he gets his rocks off. Still, I'd pity the poor woman, as he'd probably haggle for a better deal post coitum. One last suggestion for the not-likely to be a bride, use commas. Please.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND. This is a controlling person who you are now seeing the barest little of the their soon to be unfettered controlling attitude toward you. As any one knows, the wedding is for the Bride, it is her day. If they could have the wedding with out the Groom they would. This is not to say the wedding should be out of control in spending, but as the Bride said, $400 is a good price for a dress that if you chose to could sell after the wedding for $250 easily.
RUN, honey, just RUN!!!! I agree, this is a blessing in disguise, this guy has control issues and probably needs a lot of therapy to deal with it. You deserve someone who respects you. I understand being upset about a much higher purchase, maybe a car, a piece of furniture that both of you will use, but being this nervous becaus of a fricking dress???? A cheap wedding dress for that matter, that you paid with the money you earned??? If you marry this guy he'll abuse you financially and emotionally too. So, RUN, BABY!!!!!
RUN. This is why he's a divorcée, he sounded controlling if he gets angry for you treating your special on what supposed to be a special day for many couples. He may get worse as the year goes by. You know you deserved to treat yourself well, especially with the money you've honestly earned; he can't accept that then it's his problem not yours. His insecurities is NOT your problem and you owe him nothing.
I would definitely return the dress because I would not be marrying this guy.
I just had an experience with a friend who married a guy like this and over time he started to control more and more, and now she has lost her job, isn't able to do the things she likes, and doesn't even see her friends anymore... She's like a shadow of her former self. If he can't let you have your own opinion and be ok with you liking the things you like, if he tells you that you are like an immature teenager and aren't responsible, that's a sign he'll never respect you he just wants to own you, and your life won't be yours anymore.
You’re only TA if you don’t end any and all involvement with this man.
he's a controlling prick and she shouldn't marry him, obviously. That said, $400 for an item of clothing you will wear only once is still stupid. I don't care if other people spend thousands; that's just more stupid.
it is an event that ideally happens once in a life and they will remember it till they die. 400€ for a wedding dress in US is a good deal and she can still re-sell it. Everything is expensive about weddings. yes you can just go to the mayor in a casual dress ( or how you guys call the place for civilian weddings) or to Las Vegas as we see in movies and save some money.BUT if you decide to have a weddimg reception with guests and all you would look ridiculous in an everyday dress you normally wear to work or to a party. Since he is a doctor a 400€ dress should not be an issue and she bought it herself
Load More Replies... NTA. $400 is ridiculously low for a wedding dress. In fairness, boys don't always understand that. Take him to a bridal shop and have him look at the price of most wedding dresses, then point out you saved like 90%. If he apologizes, fine; if he won't back down, reconsider if you want to keep having this fight all your life.
He may have grown up poor and gotten an education on a scholarship, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. The fact of the matter is that this is just the beginning. Are you choosing a dress over him? No, what you are choosing is the autonomy to make a decision. Since he moved out to somewhere unknown this gives you an opportunity to start going through your stuff. Decide what items to keep or discard and then find a place to go. The minute he walked out the door and gave you an ultimatum is the minute he decided the relationship was over. At this point it is about him winning and you losing. So pack your things, return the dress and use that money to help with a down payment on an apartment. Your lucky that this happened now, at the virtual beginning of the relationship and not 5 years down the line when you have 2.2 kids and a mortgage and would find it hard to cut ties. Block his number on your phone, and leave your key in the apartment when you leave. Slippery slope.
Nice Peach says: Run away as fast as your legs can carry you. Evil Peach says: Keep it for the wedding, and later dye it black to wear to your divorce hearing or his funeral, whichever comes first. And if you do marry this jerk, you can make a nice bouquet out of all those pretty red flags.
I'd love to hear both sides of this story. I honestly didn't finish reading it because everything about it was her painting him in a bad light. She could simply do no wrong yet everything about him is wrong. And she's just now seeing it? After 2 years? If he is like she says he is things like this would have popped up long before.
1) what other side of this story would make this behavior ok? 2) you are dangerously close to victim blaming. Not a good look.
Load More Replies... Aaaah... those classic wedding posts... Do what you think you must do and be that a**hole... or not!!! Who cares?
Why bother commenting if you don't care? Just move on.
Load More Replies... The thing about all these AITA-stories is, that you only hear one side of the story. Nobody knows if they're really telling the truth and how the story would be when the "accused" would tell it.
What other story would make this behavior acceptable?
Load More Replies... That's a very good price for a wedding dress, and if he's losing his s**t over getting a good price on an expensive item... she needs to look VERY carefully at what he's spending on himself. Someone who'll lose his s**t over a good deal on something that should be well within the couple's means is either a complete asshole, and/or he's concealing financial problems from his fiancee.
Load More Replies... In the great majority of cases, the person asking is being reasonable and often they’re being gaslighted or manipulated. But if it bothers you so much, why on Earth are you reading the articles?
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