Parents Want To “Collect” Off Of Their Child’s Wedding – She Says No And Family Drama Ensues
Weddings are meant to be a celebration of love and the deep bond that connects two people. Now, that might sound a bit cheesy, but I mean it! They’re beautiful ceremonies that lay the foundations for an even stronger relationship. What weddings aren’t supposed to be… are a way for your parents to control you while they make money.
A redditor shared how their parents were planning to use their wedding as a way to make bank. See, they were planning to force their child to invite all of their distant relations and acquaintances so that everybody brings money as a gift. That, in their parents’ opinion, is their way of getting back all the cash that they gave out at other people’s weddings, graduation parties, and other important events. Naturally, the redditor confronted their parents when they realized that they have zero control over their own wedding. Scroll down and have a read through the whole story below. But be warned, you might just want to gasp and say, “They did not just say that” a few times.
Anna and Sarah from The Wedding Society gave Bored Panda some insights into how couples can diplomatically restrict guest lists and how nobody should be focusing on turning weddings into tacky business transactions. “Please remember that you don’t have to ever explain yourself to anyone. It’s your day and your choice,” they said that the happy couple should feel empowered instead of feeling that they have no control.
A bride-to-be confronted her parents who wanted to take control of the guest list and were hoping for lots and lots of cash gifts
Image credits: peteandcharlotte (not the actual photo)
“There are a hundred reasons why you might have to restrict numbers and none of them are anyone else’s business,” Anna and Sarah from The Wedding Society told Bored Panda.
“Simply saying, ‘As much as we’d love to have all our loved ones be with us on the day, our numbers are restricted so we hope to celebrate with those who can’t be there at another time,'” they shared how to nip the problem of growing guests lists in the bud with finesse.
According to Anna and Sarah, cash gifts are turning wedding days into business transactions. Naturally, this shouldn’t be the case! “We really need to change the focus and intention around wedding celebrations in our culture. Your wedding is about you and the person you are marrying, nothing else. Don’t base your guest list on what you’ll get from them—it’s just tacky and wrong,” they said.
“Invite your loved ones because you want them to be surrounding you both and change the narrative in your head about what you are owed from them. You’re the one throwing a party and asking them to be there. Their presence should be enough. Anything they gift you on top of that is exactly that—a gift,” Anna and Sarah from The Wedding Society explained. However, they added that guests also have a subtle obligation to thank the couple for inviting them.
“That said, if you are the guest and cash is your gift of choice, consider what the marrying couple have invested to have you there—if you are accepting the invitation, do so on the condition of gifting them at least what it cost them to include you.”
Here’s how some people have been reacting to the redditor’s story after it was posted online
The redditor was concerned that they overstepped some sort of invisible line when they told their parents that they don’t have control over the guest list. However, most Redditors visiting the AITA board thought that they were being perfectly reasonable. It’s their wedding after all!
And no matter how much you love your parents and how much they’re taking care of you, they don’t have the right to demand that you dance to their tune. Especially when their end goal is so clearly financial and not a way to improve the celebration of love. There are other ways to recoup your financial losses than by using a wedding as an excuse.
The redditor’s also worried about the fact that their wedding might just end up being a show to put on for others. In short, nobody should feel like all they’re doing is performing and making others happy on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of their lives. Sure, there’s got to be at least some awkward chatting with distant relatives and thanking people for coming, but that’s part of finding the balance between completely ignoring your guests and fulfilling their every whim.
Later on, the redditor added three more updates to the story. They pointed out that they simply want to celebrate their wedding with the people they care most about. What’s more, they shared that they plan to have a heart-to-heart chat with their parents about everything and liked the idea of having a separate dinner for some people so that they don’t feel offended or left out.
Finally, on a lighter note, they bluntly said that they’re not related to the mafia in any way. Though they did end up deleting their temporary Reddit account later on, which begs the question: was it to prevent their family members from seeing the post or because they might actually have ties to the mafia? Small conspiracy theories aside, they’re in a tough position. Having to choose between what your family wants for you and what you want from your own life is an important part of growing up. And you end up disappointing someone a tad no matter what on your path to independence.
How much money you bring somebody as a gift for their wedding depends immensely on the country, the local traditions, as well as the particular trends in your social circle. For instance, WeddingWire suggests bringing at least 200 dollars cash as a gift for close family members and friends.
Meanwhile, for someone who’s not as close, 150 or even 100 dollars is perfectly fine. However, these are just general guidelines, so take them with a grain of salt! And if you’re suspicious that you’re invited just because you’ll be bringing cash, consider skipping the wedding and RSVP’ing with a ‘no.’
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Share on FacebookHow sad that the parents view relationships with a monetary value and will put this above the Bride and Grooms feelings. It also seems a bit backwards to spend money on inviting them to a wedding only to collect on a gift - surely they balance each other out?!
I was kinda thinking the same. If they view everything in life as "I spent X on their kid, they better spend more on mine", then they never really *gave* anything in life.
Load More Replies...I have read her text multiple times now and I don't get it. Are her parents serious with what I think they mean? If I get it right, are the parents asking for money from people THEY have get gifts from? And from like 20 years ago? They want their child to invite people they think are owed them? To their daughters wedding? Is that right? Really? Wow!
Yeah I didn’t get it either. Whatever though, it seems stupid even without understanding the details.
Load More Replies...Girl, I made the mistake to please by parents in law for my wedding... Long story short, my husband's dad made me cry during our first dance because he was drunk and joking with a cousin I've never seen in my life before. Made me cry during the party because he found a bottle on the floor and that I should take charge of that (fun part is that my dad was the one who left it and we laugh a lot now talking about that). And at the end of the night, he made me cry for whatever reason my brain decided to forget, ended up in him being kicked out by my husband and his brother after a glorious but short fist fight that everyone remembers. You have one chance girl. One day to call yours and to make the best memories. You're not here to please the people. I wish I had the guts two years and made things different. But in every bad thing there is beauty. Early morning, it's 4am, few people are still dancing but we are about to call the night off. My husband's best man came to get us and took us being the building, near the small entrance of the bedrooms for the brides team. There is a small private wooden terrace there. Best friends were here, brother in law, his wife and just very few people. They had all those candles light for us and told us "they ruined your first dance, but they will not ruin your last". They had music playing and we just started dancing and crying for the whole song, just realsing how lucky we were to have found each other and to be surrounded by the people that really matter.
The parents are spending so much time, effort, and energy on keeping score about gifts that they have none left to be happy for their daughter and her fiancé. Or any other celebration, it seems. How crass. Glad to see it didn’t trickle down into the next generation. Definitely NTA.
In Sweden it's really shameful to ask for money as a present. No one would do that unless you are under like 15 years old or was really saving up for something special. Also I've never been to a wedding that had a shopping list of stuff the wedding couple wanted. That would be totally weird. We just give presents that we think would make the couple happy. Personally I think it's more fun and heartfelt that way, it really shows that the giver has thought of you and what you like. Also, it doesn't shame people who don't have a lot of money.
In the UK the presents were all just originally aimed at helping newly weds set up home for the first time which is why it was always things like toasters, linen and china! We'd been together for a while so we said 'no gifts' just come and have fun. Kept it small and it was wonderful. Could talk properly with each guest. Still, different countries have different traditions and each to their own.
Load More Replies...a) Your wedding, your choice. I find a guest list length where there is a reasonable chance to have a short word with every guest AND enjoy the food AND enjoy the celebration reasonable. That is clearly something below a three-figure digit. b) What is this whole notion of getting and receiving gifts? Is this something chiefly US-based? Or is it just with those stories that surface on the Internet? I have never based a gift size on prior favours not have I heard of any friends who did so. I also did never scrutinize who gave how much and for whatever reason, and, again, never heard a friend do so. Do many people make such calculatins, though?
Not to mention that most people cringe at being invited to weddings. If you only see them once a year, they'll probably thank you for not inviting them. It doesn't mean they're not happy for you.
Load More Replies...The parents trying to collect money from people because they gave a gift to that person over twenty years ago is absolutely stupid and it doesn't make sense. If you don't want to give a gift to someone then don't give them a gift. End of story.
Mess with them and explain how inflation works... Now they have to rework their spreadsheet with the dates of the gifts, ending up zero rounded numbers and lots of cents.
let alone differing prices and wages based on location based on point in time. Forget spreadsheet, you will need the new Gift-o-Greed™ desktop calculation software package to make sure you earn more than you spend when it comes to gifts. Remember: The only greater gift than time is envy™!
Load More Replies...Why does Bored Panda keep with these shitty AITA posts, when clearly the people are never the AH? And then every comment just reiterates that fact, saying what we already know. BP has devolved to crap lately.
Ugh, the guy I almost married and I got into fights over the guest list. I don't think he was motivated by money but wanted a large wedding out of social obligations to invite all the distant relatives and every person he's ever freaking met. I have a small family and a small group of close friends so I wanted a small wedding and not all these people around that I didn't know. A few distant relatives are ok but friend of the parents and former neighbors etc..., that's ridiculous. Anywho, ended up calling it off for a myriad of other reasons anyway. Best decision I ever made!
Worse yet, someone who wants to invite their boss to their wedding. Way to suck the enjoyment our of your own damn wedding.
Load More Replies...This is really standard practice in Korea. Weddings are just a way for the parents to collect. You literally invite every person you can remember, they invite every person they can remember. Most don't even stay for the wedding or are even QUIET during the ceremony, go straight for the food. Luckilt the ceremonies are quite short. Feels more like a show than anything serious.
Why not have the wedding you want, but let your parents throw a separate reception for you when you come back from honeymoon? They can send a wedding announcement, "Private Vows limited to immediate family, we invite you to celebrate with us and welcome the new Mr & Ms X at their reception on date Y."
Yeah but she said that Some of the comments suggested a separate dinner, and she didn't want people to feel bad that they weren't invited to the wedding.
Load More Replies...I don't think she is the asshole, and her parents definitely have a warped sense of giving and receiving gifts, however... I think maybe part of the problem we see with a lot of these wedding conflicts are generational. When my parents got married, my grandparents made most of the decisions. The bride and groom got some input but that was pretty much the standard at the time. So parents can have a problem with the "balance of power" having shifted. Like "I didn't get any say in my own wedding, and now I don't get any say in my kid's wedding either? WTF?"
I had no idea there was a time when the couple made money from a wedding. I always just thought they cost a lot.
NTA. I come from a rural area and I do know this kind of mindset, but going into another direction. For my mother, it would be extremely difficult not to invite people who did invite us to their events, because those people might think that we are ungrateful. My opinion: If you are invited to a wedding, you bring a gift as a token of your appreciation. And that's it. It's a finished exchange and there is no need to "make up" for anything later.
Parents sound like Trump. Everything is transactional. I think ppl like that just very petty people. What a turn off. Good for the bride!
I do think that "needamemorablename" is wrong - it's not that simple. My parents paid the majority of my wedding costs and I think it's pretty fair that they had some close friends they wanted to be invited. If I recall correctly they had more in mind originally than we ended up settling on, because I didn't want the wedding getting too big. But we had an adult conversation about it and they pared down their list but still got to invite some people I didn't know very well. I think even if they weren't paying, it would be a nice gesture to allow them a few people - but of course that would depend on how small you hoped to keep the list. Anyway, I'm just saying there can be other factors. ~shrug~
my parents aren't as bad as this but I did kinda get a guilt trip. I'm getting married in December a rustic Christmas wedding and it'll be at a venue up north. Apparently some extended family lives there (I never knew) here's the problem, I haven't seen any of them in AGES. We talk on FB sometimes but I don't SEE them. My dad was like are you going to invite (extended family) and I'm like probably not, I haven't seen them in forever and we are trying to keep our wedding at 75-100
NTA. A wedding, or any event of this nature should not be seen as an opportunity at profit-making or balancing that "gift ledger".
A lot of cultures and families are like this. The reason the parents are so mad is cuz their daughter stood up again them
One of the reason why i wouldnt want to marry. I know that it would be all fights with my family about the guests, the type of wedding, me not wearing a dress, me not growing my hair for the wedding etc. No thanks. They can have the wedding without me.
So go to City Hall, then out to dinner. You don't "have" to have a wedding.
Load More Replies...You sound like your vehicle is a white pickup truck that you wrote Republican political rants all over.
Load More Replies...How sad that the parents view relationships with a monetary value and will put this above the Bride and Grooms feelings. It also seems a bit backwards to spend money on inviting them to a wedding only to collect on a gift - surely they balance each other out?!
I was kinda thinking the same. If they view everything in life as "I spent X on their kid, they better spend more on mine", then they never really *gave* anything in life.
Load More Replies...I have read her text multiple times now and I don't get it. Are her parents serious with what I think they mean? If I get it right, are the parents asking for money from people THEY have get gifts from? And from like 20 years ago? They want their child to invite people they think are owed them? To their daughters wedding? Is that right? Really? Wow!
Yeah I didn’t get it either. Whatever though, it seems stupid even without understanding the details.
Load More Replies...Girl, I made the mistake to please by parents in law for my wedding... Long story short, my husband's dad made me cry during our first dance because he was drunk and joking with a cousin I've never seen in my life before. Made me cry during the party because he found a bottle on the floor and that I should take charge of that (fun part is that my dad was the one who left it and we laugh a lot now talking about that). And at the end of the night, he made me cry for whatever reason my brain decided to forget, ended up in him being kicked out by my husband and his brother after a glorious but short fist fight that everyone remembers. You have one chance girl. One day to call yours and to make the best memories. You're not here to please the people. I wish I had the guts two years and made things different. But in every bad thing there is beauty. Early morning, it's 4am, few people are still dancing but we are about to call the night off. My husband's best man came to get us and took us being the building, near the small entrance of the bedrooms for the brides team. There is a small private wooden terrace there. Best friends were here, brother in law, his wife and just very few people. They had all those candles light for us and told us "they ruined your first dance, but they will not ruin your last". They had music playing and we just started dancing and crying for the whole song, just realsing how lucky we were to have found each other and to be surrounded by the people that really matter.
The parents are spending so much time, effort, and energy on keeping score about gifts that they have none left to be happy for their daughter and her fiancé. Or any other celebration, it seems. How crass. Glad to see it didn’t trickle down into the next generation. Definitely NTA.
In Sweden it's really shameful to ask for money as a present. No one would do that unless you are under like 15 years old or was really saving up for something special. Also I've never been to a wedding that had a shopping list of stuff the wedding couple wanted. That would be totally weird. We just give presents that we think would make the couple happy. Personally I think it's more fun and heartfelt that way, it really shows that the giver has thought of you and what you like. Also, it doesn't shame people who don't have a lot of money.
In the UK the presents were all just originally aimed at helping newly weds set up home for the first time which is why it was always things like toasters, linen and china! We'd been together for a while so we said 'no gifts' just come and have fun. Kept it small and it was wonderful. Could talk properly with each guest. Still, different countries have different traditions and each to their own.
Load More Replies...a) Your wedding, your choice. I find a guest list length where there is a reasonable chance to have a short word with every guest AND enjoy the food AND enjoy the celebration reasonable. That is clearly something below a three-figure digit. b) What is this whole notion of getting and receiving gifts? Is this something chiefly US-based? Or is it just with those stories that surface on the Internet? I have never based a gift size on prior favours not have I heard of any friends who did so. I also did never scrutinize who gave how much and for whatever reason, and, again, never heard a friend do so. Do many people make such calculatins, though?
Not to mention that most people cringe at being invited to weddings. If you only see them once a year, they'll probably thank you for not inviting them. It doesn't mean they're not happy for you.
Load More Replies...The parents trying to collect money from people because they gave a gift to that person over twenty years ago is absolutely stupid and it doesn't make sense. If you don't want to give a gift to someone then don't give them a gift. End of story.
Mess with them and explain how inflation works... Now they have to rework their spreadsheet with the dates of the gifts, ending up zero rounded numbers and lots of cents.
let alone differing prices and wages based on location based on point in time. Forget spreadsheet, you will need the new Gift-o-Greed™ desktop calculation software package to make sure you earn more than you spend when it comes to gifts. Remember: The only greater gift than time is envy™!
Load More Replies...Why does Bored Panda keep with these shitty AITA posts, when clearly the people are never the AH? And then every comment just reiterates that fact, saying what we already know. BP has devolved to crap lately.
Ugh, the guy I almost married and I got into fights over the guest list. I don't think he was motivated by money but wanted a large wedding out of social obligations to invite all the distant relatives and every person he's ever freaking met. I have a small family and a small group of close friends so I wanted a small wedding and not all these people around that I didn't know. A few distant relatives are ok but friend of the parents and former neighbors etc..., that's ridiculous. Anywho, ended up calling it off for a myriad of other reasons anyway. Best decision I ever made!
Worse yet, someone who wants to invite their boss to their wedding. Way to suck the enjoyment our of your own damn wedding.
Load More Replies...This is really standard practice in Korea. Weddings are just a way for the parents to collect. You literally invite every person you can remember, they invite every person they can remember. Most don't even stay for the wedding or are even QUIET during the ceremony, go straight for the food. Luckilt the ceremonies are quite short. Feels more like a show than anything serious.
Why not have the wedding you want, but let your parents throw a separate reception for you when you come back from honeymoon? They can send a wedding announcement, "Private Vows limited to immediate family, we invite you to celebrate with us and welcome the new Mr & Ms X at their reception on date Y."
Yeah but she said that Some of the comments suggested a separate dinner, and she didn't want people to feel bad that they weren't invited to the wedding.
Load More Replies...I don't think she is the asshole, and her parents definitely have a warped sense of giving and receiving gifts, however... I think maybe part of the problem we see with a lot of these wedding conflicts are generational. When my parents got married, my grandparents made most of the decisions. The bride and groom got some input but that was pretty much the standard at the time. So parents can have a problem with the "balance of power" having shifted. Like "I didn't get any say in my own wedding, and now I don't get any say in my kid's wedding either? WTF?"
I had no idea there was a time when the couple made money from a wedding. I always just thought they cost a lot.
NTA. I come from a rural area and I do know this kind of mindset, but going into another direction. For my mother, it would be extremely difficult not to invite people who did invite us to their events, because those people might think that we are ungrateful. My opinion: If you are invited to a wedding, you bring a gift as a token of your appreciation. And that's it. It's a finished exchange and there is no need to "make up" for anything later.
Parents sound like Trump. Everything is transactional. I think ppl like that just very petty people. What a turn off. Good for the bride!
I do think that "needamemorablename" is wrong - it's not that simple. My parents paid the majority of my wedding costs and I think it's pretty fair that they had some close friends they wanted to be invited. If I recall correctly they had more in mind originally than we ended up settling on, because I didn't want the wedding getting too big. But we had an adult conversation about it and they pared down their list but still got to invite some people I didn't know very well. I think even if they weren't paying, it would be a nice gesture to allow them a few people - but of course that would depend on how small you hoped to keep the list. Anyway, I'm just saying there can be other factors. ~shrug~
my parents aren't as bad as this but I did kinda get a guilt trip. I'm getting married in December a rustic Christmas wedding and it'll be at a venue up north. Apparently some extended family lives there (I never knew) here's the problem, I haven't seen any of them in AGES. We talk on FB sometimes but I don't SEE them. My dad was like are you going to invite (extended family) and I'm like probably not, I haven't seen them in forever and we are trying to keep our wedding at 75-100
NTA. A wedding, or any event of this nature should not be seen as an opportunity at profit-making or balancing that "gift ledger".
A lot of cultures and families are like this. The reason the parents are so mad is cuz their daughter stood up again them
One of the reason why i wouldnt want to marry. I know that it would be all fights with my family about the guests, the type of wedding, me not wearing a dress, me not growing my hair for the wedding etc. No thanks. They can have the wedding without me.
So go to City Hall, then out to dinner. You don't "have" to have a wedding.
Load More Replies...You sound like your vehicle is a white pickup truck that you wrote Republican political rants all over.
Load More Replies...
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