Bride-To-Be Asks If She’s Wrong To Be Angry With Parents For Going On Vacation Instead Of Attending Her Wedding
When we think about the perfect wedding, we focus not so much on all the aesthetic details, but on the people whom we’d like to witness the celebration of love. If you get along with your family members, it’s only natural to expect your parents and siblings to show up, alongside your nearest and dearest friends. Yes, the aisle and table decor is important, but it’s not the priority.
If you realize that your parents have decided not to attend your wedding, it can be absolutely devastating. So much so that any other compromise on the table seems like a pale shadow in comparison when all you want is to have your loved ones with you on the Big Day. Redditor u/Designer-Pay8281 opened up about an upsetting situation going on in her family. She’s planning on getting married this year, but her parents have made it clear that they won’t be attending the ceremony. They’ll be going on a 2-year vacation instead. Read on for the full story, in the bride-to-be’s own words. You can share your thoughts about the situation in the comments, dear Pandas.
Bored Panda got in touch with Suzanne Degges-White, a Licensed Counselor, Professor, and Chair at the Department of Counseling and Higher Education at Northern Illinois University to hear her thoughts about sibling rivalries, jealousy, familial favoritism, and how to reconcile with someone if they’re remorseful, even though we might initially not want to.
“The best revenge on those who have hurt us in the past is a life well lived. Our parents do the best they can—but their best may not be what we most wanted. Learning to accept the shortcomings of others is sometimes the best thing we can do for our own mental health. This person’s parents will miss an important day in their daughter’s life, and the best thing the daughter can do is to make the day as memorable for herself and her new partner as she can,” she explained to us. “You’ll find our full interview with the professor below, dear Readers.
Many people who are close to their parents expect that they’ll show up to their wedding
Image credits: Nathan Dumalo (not the actual photo)
One bride-to-be shared how frustrated she felt when she realized her parents prioritized their vacation over her ceremony
Image credits: Vidar Nordli-Mathisen (not the actual photo)
“Sadly, sibling rivalry tends to begin early in life and can outlast a parent’s lifetime. Sibling rivalry is natural as kids learn at a young age that parents have a limited capacity to give their kids the attention they crave and when it feels like a sibling is getting more than their fair share, that can give rise to resentment, jealousy, and rivalry for the parents’ attention.”
Professor Degges-White, from Northern Illinois University, explained to Bored Panda that some parents actually do actively one child over another. As such, this can give rise to a “deeply ingrained sense of injustice” in some siblings that can last a lifetme. It’s important to recognize that our parents aren’t ‘perfect,’ they’re flawed just like any other human being on this planet.
“As adults, we need to recognize that we need to feel that we are ‘enough’ regardless of how we feel others see us. If we continue to fall back into childhood rivalries, we are doing a disservice to ourselves and allowing the past to color our present. While we may never be able to right the wrongs, real or imagined, that we experienced in our childhood, we do have the choice to consciously move on from the past and just accept that our parents are human and, by nature, flawed—and we cannot ‘fix’ anyone else but ourselves,” the Licensed Counselor said.
“When we continue to feel ‘less than’ a sibling—and evidence seems to affirm that feeling—we have the choice to carry the negative feelings that are engendered or let them go and rejoice in the presence in our lives of people who care about us and want to spend time in our company.”
We were also curious about how to proceed when our loved ones try to reconcile with us, yet we might still be greatly upset at them for what they did or didn’t do. “It’s a hard situation when someone is genuinely remorseful about prior bad behavior and admits their mistake and offers apologies to the one they hurt but their efforts at reconciliation are rejected. Some people take a long time to let go of past injustices and some folks live by a creed of ‘never forget, never forgive,'” Professor Degges-White said. She highlighted the fact that we’re all human, and as such, we all make mistakes.
“If we cannot make room for another’s attempts at reconciliation in our lives, we are setting ourselves up for a lifetime of needless losses and a shrinking support network. Seldom do the people who care about us intentionally harm us—and we should be able to step back and recognize that when someone puts themselves out there with a heartfelt apology, that they are putting another ‘investment’ into the relationship. Screwing up is easy, admitting and making attempts at atonement is not.”
According to Professor Degges-White, from Northern Illinois University, it can help to take a long view of the relationship you have with someone in order to accept someone’s remorse. Here are some questions that you might ask yourself: “Has the person been there for you when you’ve needed them? Have they been loyal to you even when you might not have deserved it? Is this the first time they’ve done something that has hurt you? If not, maybe letting the relationship go is the best option. If it is the first time, remind yourself that everyone deserves a second chance.”
The expert said that while we can’t ever undo the past, we can make different choices going forward. “Trust is hard to rebuild, but if it’s a longtime relationship, it might be harder to replace that person in your life than you realize.”
As a compromise, the idea of an intimate wedding reception just for the family was floated to see where the redditor bride-to-be might be interested. However, the OP was so upset about not having her parents at her wedding that she refused the idea time and time again.
That’s actually what made her ask the AITA community for their opinion in the first place. She wanted to know if she was wrong to be so stubborn. The majority of Reddit users thought that the OP did nothing wrong. However, the verdicts weren’t unanimous.
Quite a few members of the AITA community were a tad confused by the entire situation, including why the bride-to-be’s parents’ vacation was supposed to last for 2 years, and whether they knew the specific date of the wedding. Some also thought that the OP should have communicated her feelings more clearly so that her family knew where she stood better.
The author of the post shared some more information about what happened with her family in the comments
A while back, we had a chat about communication within families with parenting blogger Samantha Scroggin. “I think when establishing boundaries with family members, being clear and using good communication are the best routes,” the founder of ‘Walking Outside in Slippers’ told Bored Panda that clarity helps avoid situations where someone can misinterpret your actions for rudeness or for a lack of appreciation.
The blogger pointed out that all families are different: some are very close, others are more distant. Though in both cases, good communication can help set the ground rules for how everyone interacts, and what expectations they have. This way, everyone can feel comfortable in a familial setting.
Meanwhile, childhood independence expert Lenore Skenazy, the mastermind behind the Let Grow project and the Free-Range Kids movement, told Bored Panda during an earlier interview that parents have to “keep the lines of communication open” with their kids as they grow.
While some parents might be far too detached from their children, others are far too controlling, which also isn’t healthy.
“Gradually give them more freedom as they get older and earn it by being responsible,” she said, adding that love requires trust.
“Taking all independence away for their ‘safety’ is a way to teach them that you don’t think they can handle anything on their own— how deflating!—and that you don’t trust them. Would you appreciate a spouse who tracked your every move? Would you feel trusted?”
Here’s what other internet users thought. Some people’s opinions were very divided on the story
I don't understand why the parents wouldn't just fly back for the wedding - they are moving overseas, not going to prison.
I remember my Mum racing my early labour to get home to Adelaide from Fiji (where she lived) to see her first grandchild. She talked the Fijian ladies at Nadi airport into letting her use the airline's phone to ring me (pre mobiles working internationally). She'd stood at Suva airport until they let her on a plane to Nadi and was now making her presence felt in Nadi to let her on a plane to Australia! She can be very persuasive and probably made a whole lot of new friends sharing her excitement and joy as she made the epic journey! She made it when baby was a few hours old and came straight to the hospital from her all night flight. The joy on her face as she picked him up! That's how parents should be.
Guys, don't downvote just because you disagree... Downvoting here isn't a dislike, it can actually get people banned.
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Gratuitous drama? Martyr Complex? OP knew prior to setting her wedding date that her parents would be on an extended vacation. She then expected they'd change long-standing plans to accommodate her...They didn't. I think OP's expectations came back & bit her in the butt- expectations can do that. Makes me wonder if OP didn't purposefully do this
She moved her wedding date twice to accommodate her parents but they chose to leave before the event anyway. The OP doesn't seem entitled and full of herself. At least not to me.
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Okay let me get something straight. This young woman is getting married. Her parents are going on holiday. She really wants her parents there, which should go unsaid because those who don't are the exceptions. They probably couldn't book flights until their visa was approved (because they didn't know when that would be). Assumedly, the wedding is announced before then. And they decide to book flights before the wedding date instead of booking them after. How is the bride ta here? It's not like it would cost the parents anything
It's interesting, the internet, isn't it? I never realised exactly how many bad tempered, spiteful and mean spirited people there are out there. I don't care who organised what and when, the simple fact is that her parents have no intention of attending their daughter's wedding. There is absolutely no reason for her to ask them to come, it's a given. It seems to me that they've done 'all that' with their other kids and they're not bothered about doing it again. That her older siblings won't walk down the aisle with her because it will 'make them look old' is ridiculous, and just one more stab in the back. Don't have that intimate reception OP, if they were that bothered they would have booked it themselves as a profuse apology for not coming to the wedding. Stick with your inlaws from now on. Hopefully they'll be more like a proper family to you. Ignore the rude comments on here. There are some very strangely insular people about who can't see beyond their own tiny lives.
having 7 children they are probably retired already so no missing work. they will live at their daughter's house so not much money needed. only the plane tickets are expensive. they could have saved up, also sister will probably pay something. if it is USA- some Asian country than life in Asia is cheaper than in the US so they will be fine with their pensions there
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Maybe it's because english is not my native language but I'm not sure I understood correctly. At first I thought the parents were leaving for a 2 year vacation that was already planned and I thought the OP was the AH but then she explained that the parents started the procedures for the vacation 2 years ago and a year later she got engaged.If it's the last, then I don't think she is the AH but I don't understand why the parents don't care to attend. I hope the OP has a wonderful wedding. Her parents will probably feel sorry about not going.
It is the later but even more so, OP initially planned the wedding for after they would get home but their travel got delayed for VISA issues, so OP moved it to accomodate thier new plans. Those plans got delayed again and they are now chosing to leave right before the date that was set to accomodate them.
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NTA. BUT... you. Really need to let them know how much it hurts they will not be there. You are entitled to have your wedding when you want. But some people even family, don't care to try to accommodate anyone but themselves. You are a teeny tiny as** hole for thinking they should reschedule their vacation. That is often hard to do as flights are so much more expensive like you stated. But.. you do not need to feel obligated to have an Intimate get together for both your parents. Save the money for your wedding needs! But.. if you get along well with your future in-laws, maybe have your future FIL, walk you down the isle. That would make it very special! And have a small private dinner or lunch for just them and you all! To say, Thank you! They will feel extra special and loved. Ignore your sisters. I hate to say it, but they do not sound like they spent much time with you, being the baby. You will join your BF family, and find love and acceptance there. Have a great wedding!
The parents have already changed thier travel plans twice - both times to when they would miss the wedding that OP initially planned and then moved to accomodate thier travel schedule. And they wouldnt have had flights yet when she planned the wedding as they didnt have thier VISAs yet so they wouldnt be able to book a flight (if a VISA is required you need to have the number to get a flight). When they finally got thier VISAs and had to book the flights, they could have done so to be right after the wedding instead of right before.
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Did elder sister know of wedding&scoop her parents away? No. The vaca was planned b4 proposal. Is it reasonable to expect a couple to wait 2 yrs to marry to pacify all? No. R the father&brother selfish&obtuse 4 not walking their daughter/sib down isle 4 a vaca&bcuz they'd feel old? Yes. Is the mother complicit? Yes. Are the 2 elder sisters right to suggest alternatives to make it so all can attend? Yes & No. It is understandable they would suggest that but it is the couple's day. Conclusion: If the parents can take a 2 yr vaca they can afford a plane ticket to the wedding&back to their outlandish 2 yr vaca. As for the walk, find a cousin or good friend to walk you if your parents don't spring for a plane ticket. Congrats& good luck.
2 Good grief. I am reading some of these comments and cannot believe the visceral anger towards the OP. Is it because their own wedding day has passed and ended in divorce? Is it an American thing to blow off a nuclear family member's wedding and thinking of themselves when asked to be a part of walking a fam member down the aisle? Does anyone find it strange that ppl take a two year vaca and disregard all else going on in what should be important people in their lives? OP: Send the invites to all you want to attend. Prepare a backup Uncle or such to walk you. Then stop thinking about it and drop the chips to the wind and let them fall where they may. Get on with your life because it sure seems like those close to you have.
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If the parents cared, they would be there. At the same time, she should have reached out to someone to give her support in dealing with this, and spoke up.
Elope, spend all you can on an incredible cruise honeymoon, can even have the captain officiate. Invite only your best man and maid maiden of honor. Enjoy your fiancee company and wait until 1st birthday party to tell folks they have a new grandchild. Met plenty of happy newly Weds on cruises... Him and her,,, him & him and her and her. Don't sweat the small stuff! Sounds like you'll be spending most of your future undisturbed with your Honey. Good luck 🤞
I don't even have to read that one. Unless the parents made sure the kid was ok with it, there's pretty much no reason that would make that ok. Even though I lost my wife after only nine years marriage, it still bothers me that my dad made it to her memorial and not the wedding.
Thats so selfish of the mum and other sister especially. Being the youngest of 6 I’m sure OP has had her share of being overlooked, at least on her wedding day they could have made sure to be there and postponed the trip. Poor parenting
While you're technically NTA, you can't expect your parents not to know how you feel about them missing your wedding unless you tell them verbally!! Here's something to try: Write your your feelings down on paper as if you were giving a speech (which, in reality, you are, but to a more intimate audience). Edit the original speech until you're satisfied with it. Practice it in front of a mirror or with your fiance, who may offer his advice and criticisms. Then, when you're ready, tell them from your heart. While they have a two-year vacation that was planned for some time, you have a wedding that's once-in-a-lifetime and only for a weekend, so it's a big deal to have your parents there, especially your dad to walk you down the aisle. As long as there are flights between the two countries, it's doable! Mom and dad can book a round-trip flight to make the wedding, celebrate with you, then go back to their vacation, and most everyone is happy!
OP needs to speak up, and tell her family what she's feeling. The parents have obviously been planning this trip for years, and OP is setting her wedding date while they're travelling. She could have arranged a smaller ceremony before they left. She could have decided to wait until they returned. That she hasn't done either of these things, and hasn't said anything, may mean that her parents don't understand that this is important to her. Now she's refusing to have a small get-together/reception for them to meet the inlaws, despite the family offering to pay. It may well be that her mum thinks that her daughter doesn't care if they're there, or even doesn't want them to be there. Her own feelings might be hurt. OP's family are definately being insensitive to her feelings, but they're not necessarily being assholes. OP is choosing not to communicate honestly. If she can't talk to them, she needs to write them a letter.
OP said she picked her original date to be after they returned but their VISA was very delayed so she moved the date to accomodate thier delayed travel, then the parents changed thier travel dates AGAIN to conflict with the new wedding date. She tried very hard to accomodate, but they arent meeting her halfway by arranging thier travel changes around the dates she picked for them.
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Your whole family needs to eat a bag of d*cks. AND, ffs - it's spelled "Aisle", not "Isle". Does no one read anymore?
You know the situation sucks it really does but all I can say is at least you have your parents, 6 years ago when I was 25 my boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 years and finally decided that we wanted to get married well my dad took me to get my wedding dress that was great it was beautiful, then my boyfriend and I set our wedding date I called my dad and told him he was thrilled and he was so looking forward to helping me plan, I was his only daughter, and his baby.. he was my bff..well the very next day after I told my dad that we set the date my dad was murdered...less than 24 hours after we set our wedding date. He was my best friend my sole parent, he was my everything. Cherish your parents while you have them don't get hung up on the petty things if I could just have one more day with my dad I would give literally anything...
Consider having your fiancees' dad walk you down the aisle, have a lot of photos taken. You are NTA but you are not making yourself clear. And consider that best laid plans often don't work out, even for your wedding. Make the best of what you have. Have a GREAT anniversary party whenever they are back and you'll remember that more . . . no stress, lots of fun, greater crowd. Best of luck!
Don't be upset. Case A: If the parents are in the right, there's nothing to be upset about. Case B: If the parents are in the wrong, they aren't worth getting upset about.
Also, stick in the mud older siblings are not deserving of being the ones to walk you down the isle! Make them feel old?? Well, they will be feeling very guilty, to not have done it as a loving gesture! They are the big AH here. Just because people are supposed to be family, doesn't mean they will act like family. Too bad for them. When you have children, I would give your MIL and FIL grandparent priority for time with the babies. I just don't see your family as people that will take much interest in your life, married or not.
And she didn’t share her feelings, expecting everyone to read her mind when she’s said she supported the parent’s trip. 🤦🏽♀️
Are the Parents Immigrants. If so What is Country of Origin. Also where does the Oldest Sister live ?
I get it. She can't speak up because she knows her mom--just mom by the sounds of it--doesn't care. She's saving herself the heartbreak of knowing her mom just doesn't really care about her in any way shape or form. If Dad knows she wants them there, so does Mom. Mom would rather see GC. That's all. That's the issue.
From what I can tell...ok, so, the parents decided to go on a 32-YEAR vacation...THEN the daughter gets engaged and decided to NOT postpone the actual wedding until after the parents get back home and expects everyone to put the vacation on hold or buy expensive plane tickets to fly back for said wedding then gets butthurt when her parents won't magically conform to her easily-changed plans that were made knowing the parents already had Big Deal plans in the works... Ok.
I don't get the suggestion that she walks down the aisle herself. Wouldn't walking with her fiancé be better? That's how we do it here anyway, no giving away just two people starting a new life together. Though "starting" nowadays isn't really accurate.
Elope with your man my friend, elope. You can then start your marriage as you mean to go on by putting each other first. I wish you all the best. 😊
Maybe we are missing cultural differences where children don't speak up to older family members.?
Maybe some cultural differences are being missed here where children have a hard time standing up to parents.
Send them a copy of this thread. If you can not talk to them directly. I have no idea why you can not sit down and talk to them. Put it in writing.
1. If they can go on a 2 year vacation, they can afford to fly back and be there. Who the eff goes on vacation for 2 years. Sounds like something stuck up rich a.h. do. And really a.h. For missing your wedding. Just move on with your life without them....
OP needs to reframe the situation in her mind. How about video/zoom for the ceremony? This whole thing does not make sense. Needs more context. Which country is the other sister in? If the other sister is sponsoring the parents to US/UK/EU for residency, then yes, they would need to stay in those countries to show they intend to reside there full-time. They can take small/short trips but really depends on the status of the person supporting their visa. That being said, it is a long road with years of planning to get a visa for immigration. I can understand if the parents are afraid to mess that up. This is life changing. So, given the opportunity to move to another country, which can also benefit the other kids long-term, I can see why they are hesitant to attend the wedding and mess it up. This is not a 2 year vacation. You simply can't stay overseas in a country for 2 years with out a reason to be there unless you are super wealthy, have unique skills, etc. OP needs to suck it up and be thrilled for the parents. Unless the parents do indeed plan to game a system for dual residency. LOL
So everyone expects the parents to wait a whole other year to go on vacation so they can attend the wedding? Op didn't mention anything about flying back being an option. It just seems like she doesn't want them to go see the older sister
It sounds more like they would only need to wait a couple of months since she moved the wedding to the end of this year to accomodate thier first travel change and they could then leave in January which is technically next year. Not well worded but that is what it sounded like with the wedding timing OP stated.
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Your marriage I all likelihood is going to fail no matter how much you spend on the wedding is a reality in America so I am unlikely to ever understand why even normally smart people go in for these lavish high priced perfect weddings.
I can totally understand her. But it makes me think how she never actually told her parents, that she explicitly wants them to attend. She herself wrote, that she told her parents she was ok with them not attending. Just a few jokes, how would she expect them to understand her wishes? So now that‘s what they are doing. Sometimes you have to be honest and tell them, what you really want.
For TWO YEARS? When she already moved her date twice to accomodate thier travel plans changing and they consistently changed thier plans again to conflict with the acvomodations she made for them?
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I think we're missing something here. You don't go on a vacation for two years. How are mom and dad's finances? How long have they not seen their overseas kid? Why are they staying for two years? In my family family stays overseas for two years to help with a newborn. OP is saying things like always having to adjust. That parents don't care enough to see that she's hurt. If she isn't talking about it and talking isn't in parents nature then why would that be different now? I think we're not getting the full story here
OP's story sounds fishy and misleading. Is it a 2 year vacation or are they moving to help their daughter take care of their first grandchild. A K4 visa in the UK allows US residents to live there for 2 years but the start/end dates are set on application. That means you end your leases in the US, sign one in the UK, and ship your possessions to the new place.
They have already changed the travel dates twice - the first time pushing it back well over a year. A baby doesnt wait over a year past thier due date to be born. OP planned the initial date around thier initially planned trip, then moved it to accomodate the initial year+ delay, then they changed thier plans AGAIN to conflict with the new date. They already arent on the dates that would have been on the application (and it sounds like thier initial return date has already passed).
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Grow up and move on dam....life to short and changes to quickly to be crying over this c**p...be happy for your parents and be happy you're getting married to someone who loves and wants to marry you and go on and start your life together...facetime...video...make it work but please stop the drama
How about waiting for your parents to be back and then having your party?
She already planned her wedding to accomodate them and then moved it for them when they changed thier travel plans, which they then changed again to conflict. Why should she have to wait TWO YEARS for her wedding again for them?
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One of the comments bleated on about patriarchy and the handing over of property being gross. Being walked down the aisle is purely symbolic now. besides I've always seen it as a father being trusting and comfortable enough to have his daughter be looked after and cared for by a man he thinks is deserving of her. That's all, it's nothing to do with the "patriarchy" or whatever other buzzword there is at the moment. Just because they don't like it doesn't mean everyone else on the planet shouldn't either, that's really dumb.
Umm... the way you have described it is *exactly* an example of patriarchy. It is not the father's choice who a woman marries. It is her choice. It's great if her father trusts the person she is marrying. Also its not about the woman being 'looked after', it's the couple seeking the best for each other.
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I see me, me, me .. where did I see you say I met my dream man, we love each other, and we will get married regardless of others, as it is between you and the person you marry. Sometimes most important people for us miss out on our life, because they have their own life to live. You should get married, but you don't get to decide and dictate others to follow you suit. The wedding sounds already horrible, you don't need to be walked down. Strong independent woman, who has found love can walk to his man on her own and not need parents to give her away. It seems you value more the image of the day than the purpose. And as a parent I wouldn't attend, as an bride I got papers signed and nobody still knows it's been over a decade. It's just one day of your life, you will have multiple anniversaries, children's Birthdays to share with family and friends. At different times different people might be choosing their other family activities instead of yours.
I'm not sure what you're attempting to say about a third of the way down with your post. Maybe edit? As just a tiny counter to the rest of this squabble; certain events are put on a pedestal and people are strongly encouraged to play their roles. The rationalization you try to administer is poor. On this rationale, OP's husband doesn't have to be there for the birth of their child if he's on vacation with his buddies. He'll be there for the birthdays, right? Sometimes there is one day where you have to step up. In the case of OP's parents, who had 6 or 7 children, they created 6 or 7 potential days in their life where they need to be there, if there is a marriage. Marriage is like a super family activity. It usually only happens once, if you're lucky. You would probably not attend a funeral because you would say the dead person doesn't care if you're there. Total disconnect.
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yeah she is clearly in the wrong like a child throwing a temper tantrum here, they found a solution for her at not cost to her but she refused to except it. She is clearly a princess type because of that last line "I never ask for anything" well asking someone to rearrange travel plans because of your wedding is a big ask especially since you knew when they were leaving in the first place, maybe don't plan the date the same time they are expected to leave plan ahead like she said this was two year in the making.
Hold it a moment bride says at the start the travel arrangements for parents trip were made before bf even proposed. So she planned wedding knowing parents had made plans to be away. Yeah she is the a'hole to expect them to change plans.
Her parents are going to be gone for 2 years? Should she wait for 2 years to get married or have kids because her parents can't be bothered to book a flight? How dare anyone gets married or have kids or die during the upcoming 2 years?! They all ought to put their lives on hold until they are back from their staycation. This poor girl needs a divorce, not from her sweetheart but the unrealizable family who think there's nothing wrong with missing her wedding. I'm sure she was expected at all her siblings wedding.
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I'm on the parents side. They had this planned and the excitement of going on this trip. Then to get ingaged after they have planned this is truly selfish on the brides side. Why doesn't she plan her wedding date after her parents return from this probably very needed vacation. Especially after raising that many kids. Hold your wedding off, not thier vacation.
Looks like she did move the date, and they could have postponed their trip but they decided not to.
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If their plans were made before your bf proposed, you're in the wrong for picking a date when they are away, sorry yes you are the a55hole !
Seriously, all this deama is probably causing you and your fiance alot of tension. Your parents won't attend due to a prior commitment- you yourself should not put your life on hold for 2 years.. go get married. I personally would get married by a justice of the peace because of the circumstances but you do what makes you and fiance happy. If you dont invest in a large wedding- maybe you can invest instead on a long vacation yourself... that might be what your fiance would prefer but ask him. It's all good, Noone is intentionally hurting anyone.
So...you KNEW when they were leaving. They've been planning this long term...... and you think THEY should change plans that have been in place for a long time? Ummm....you moved the date...but you didn't move it to a time BEFORE their trip....... and you think they are the assholes?
It's not like there was an exact date for the trip, just that they planned for a 2 year vacation. They could've gone after her wedding but they decided, mostly the mom and sister, to ignore a person who never asked for anything from them. OP needs to grow a spine and stick up for herself, yes, but it's not easy to do that when someone's a people pleaser.
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From what I read, you are the selfish a*****e. 2 year vacation was planned and you are cutting into it with a wedding.
I don't thinI don't think you have read the whole thing. The bride to be has already changed the date of the wedding twice to accommodate her parents. They are choosing to miss the wedding.
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No she said they will be gone for 2 years and it is the first time they have gone abroad. She initially planned the wedding for AFTER they returned. Then when they didnt get thier VISAs when expected and had to delay she CHANGED her wedding date to accomodate the new anticipated travel dates, then the parents changed their travel dates AGAIN to conflict with the new wedding date.
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So everyone else is okay with the dates (including his side of the family), why should it have to move again for her parents? Not sure why people are acting as if her family are the only people invited to the wedding
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“About two years ago she invited our parents on a two year vacation”
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I don't understand why the parents wouldn't just fly back for the wedding - they are moving overseas, not going to prison.
I remember my Mum racing my early labour to get home to Adelaide from Fiji (where she lived) to see her first grandchild. She talked the Fijian ladies at Nadi airport into letting her use the airline's phone to ring me (pre mobiles working internationally). She'd stood at Suva airport until they let her on a plane to Nadi and was now making her presence felt in Nadi to let her on a plane to Australia! She can be very persuasive and probably made a whole lot of new friends sharing her excitement and joy as she made the epic journey! She made it when baby was a few hours old and came straight to the hospital from her all night flight. The joy on her face as she picked him up! That's how parents should be.
Guys, don't downvote just because you disagree... Downvoting here isn't a dislike, it can actually get people banned.
Load More Replies... Gratuitous drama? Martyr Complex? OP knew prior to setting her wedding date that her parents would be on an extended vacation. She then expected they'd change long-standing plans to accommodate her...They didn't. I think OP's expectations came back & bit her in the butt- expectations can do that. Makes me wonder if OP didn't purposefully do this
She moved her wedding date twice to accommodate her parents but they chose to leave before the event anyway. The OP doesn't seem entitled and full of herself. At least not to me.
Load More Replies... Okay let me get something straight. This young woman is getting married. Her parents are going on holiday. She really wants her parents there, which should go unsaid because those who don't are the exceptions. They probably couldn't book flights until their visa was approved (because they didn't know when that would be). Assumedly, the wedding is announced before then. And they decide to book flights before the wedding date instead of booking them after. How is the bride ta here? It's not like it would cost the parents anything
It's interesting, the internet, isn't it? I never realised exactly how many bad tempered, spiteful and mean spirited people there are out there. I don't care who organised what and when, the simple fact is that her parents have no intention of attending their daughter's wedding. There is absolutely no reason for her to ask them to come, it's a given. It seems to me that they've done 'all that' with their other kids and they're not bothered about doing it again. That her older siblings won't walk down the aisle with her because it will 'make them look old' is ridiculous, and just one more stab in the back. Don't have that intimate reception OP, if they were that bothered they would have booked it themselves as a profuse apology for not coming to the wedding. Stick with your inlaws from now on. Hopefully they'll be more like a proper family to you. Ignore the rude comments on here. There are some very strangely insular people about who can't see beyond their own tiny lives.
having 7 children they are probably retired already so no missing work. they will live at their daughter's house so not much money needed. only the plane tickets are expensive. they could have saved up, also sister will probably pay something. if it is USA- some Asian country than life in Asia is cheaper than in the US so they will be fine with their pensions there
Load More Replies... Maybe it's because english is not my native language but I'm not sure I understood correctly. At first I thought the parents were leaving for a 2 year vacation that was already planned and I thought the OP was the AH but then she explained that the parents started the procedures for the vacation 2 years ago and a year later she got engaged.If it's the last, then I don't think she is the AH but I don't understand why the parents don't care to attend. I hope the OP has a wonderful wedding. Her parents will probably feel sorry about not going.
It is the later but even more so, OP initially planned the wedding for after they would get home but their travel got delayed for VISA issues, so OP moved it to accomodate thier new plans. Those plans got delayed again and they are now chosing to leave right before the date that was set to accomodate them.
Load More Replies... NTA. BUT... you. Really need to let them know how much it hurts they will not be there. You are entitled to have your wedding when you want. But some people even family, don't care to try to accommodate anyone but themselves. You are a teeny tiny as** hole for thinking they should reschedule their vacation. That is often hard to do as flights are so much more expensive like you stated. But.. you do not need to feel obligated to have an Intimate get together for both your parents. Save the money for your wedding needs! But.. if you get along well with your future in-laws, maybe have your future FIL, walk you down the isle. That would make it very special! And have a small private dinner or lunch for just them and you all! To say, Thank you! They will feel extra special and loved. Ignore your sisters. I hate to say it, but they do not sound like they spent much time with you, being the baby. You will join your BF family, and find love and acceptance there. Have a great wedding!
The parents have already changed thier travel plans twice - both times to when they would miss the wedding that OP initially planned and then moved to accomodate thier travel schedule. And they wouldnt have had flights yet when she planned the wedding as they didnt have thier VISAs yet so they wouldnt be able to book a flight (if a VISA is required you need to have the number to get a flight). When they finally got thier VISAs and had to book the flights, they could have done so to be right after the wedding instead of right before.
Load More Replies... Did elder sister know of wedding&scoop her parents away? No. The vaca was planned b4 proposal. Is it reasonable to expect a couple to wait 2 yrs to marry to pacify all? No. R the father&brother selfish&obtuse 4 not walking their daughter/sib down isle 4 a vaca&bcuz they'd feel old? Yes. Is the mother complicit? Yes. Are the 2 elder sisters right to suggest alternatives to make it so all can attend? Yes & No. It is understandable they would suggest that but it is the couple's day. Conclusion: If the parents can take a 2 yr vaca they can afford a plane ticket to the wedding&back to their outlandish 2 yr vaca. As for the walk, find a cousin or good friend to walk you if your parents don't spring for a plane ticket. Congrats& good luck.
2 Good grief. I am reading some of these comments and cannot believe the visceral anger towards the OP. Is it because their own wedding day has passed and ended in divorce? Is it an American thing to blow off a nuclear family member's wedding and thinking of themselves when asked to be a part of walking a fam member down the aisle? Does anyone find it strange that ppl take a two year vaca and disregard all else going on in what should be important people in their lives? OP: Send the invites to all you want to attend. Prepare a backup Uncle or such to walk you. Then stop thinking about it and drop the chips to the wind and let them fall where they may. Get on with your life because it sure seems like those close to you have.
Load More Replies... If the parents cared, they would be there. At the same time, she should have reached out to someone to give her support in dealing with this, and spoke up.
Elope, spend all you can on an incredible cruise honeymoon, can even have the captain officiate. Invite only your best man and maid maiden of honor. Enjoy your fiancee company and wait until 1st birthday party to tell folks they have a new grandchild. Met plenty of happy newly Weds on cruises... Him and her,,, him & him and her and her. Don't sweat the small stuff! Sounds like you'll be spending most of your future undisturbed with your Honey. Good luck 🤞
I don't even have to read that one. Unless the parents made sure the kid was ok with it, there's pretty much no reason that would make that ok. Even though I lost my wife after only nine years marriage, it still bothers me that my dad made it to her memorial and not the wedding.
Thats so selfish of the mum and other sister especially. Being the youngest of 6 I’m sure OP has had her share of being overlooked, at least on her wedding day they could have made sure to be there and postponed the trip. Poor parenting
While you're technically NTA, you can't expect your parents not to know how you feel about them missing your wedding unless you tell them verbally!! Here's something to try: Write your your feelings down on paper as if you were giving a speech (which, in reality, you are, but to a more intimate audience). Edit the original speech until you're satisfied with it. Practice it in front of a mirror or with your fiance, who may offer his advice and criticisms. Then, when you're ready, tell them from your heart. While they have a two-year vacation that was planned for some time, you have a wedding that's once-in-a-lifetime and only for a weekend, so it's a big deal to have your parents there, especially your dad to walk you down the aisle. As long as there are flights between the two countries, it's doable! Mom and dad can book a round-trip flight to make the wedding, celebrate with you, then go back to their vacation, and most everyone is happy!
OP needs to speak up, and tell her family what she's feeling. The parents have obviously been planning this trip for years, and OP is setting her wedding date while they're travelling. She could have arranged a smaller ceremony before they left. She could have decided to wait until they returned. That she hasn't done either of these things, and hasn't said anything, may mean that her parents don't understand that this is important to her. Now she's refusing to have a small get-together/reception for them to meet the inlaws, despite the family offering to pay. It may well be that her mum thinks that her daughter doesn't care if they're there, or even doesn't want them to be there. Her own feelings might be hurt. OP's family are definately being insensitive to her feelings, but they're not necessarily being assholes. OP is choosing not to communicate honestly. If she can't talk to them, she needs to write them a letter.
OP said she picked her original date to be after they returned but their VISA was very delayed so she moved the date to accomodate thier delayed travel, then the parents changed thier travel dates AGAIN to conflict with the new wedding date. She tried very hard to accomodate, but they arent meeting her halfway by arranging thier travel changes around the dates she picked for them.
Load More Replies... Your whole family needs to eat a bag of d*cks. AND, ffs - it's spelled "Aisle", not "Isle". Does no one read anymore?
You know the situation sucks it really does but all I can say is at least you have your parents, 6 years ago when I was 25 my boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 years and finally decided that we wanted to get married well my dad took me to get my wedding dress that was great it was beautiful, then my boyfriend and I set our wedding date I called my dad and told him he was thrilled and he was so looking forward to helping me plan, I was his only daughter, and his baby.. he was my bff..well the very next day after I told my dad that we set the date my dad was murdered...less than 24 hours after we set our wedding date. He was my best friend my sole parent, he was my everything. Cherish your parents while you have them don't get hung up on the petty things if I could just have one more day with my dad I would give literally anything...
Consider having your fiancees' dad walk you down the aisle, have a lot of photos taken. You are NTA but you are not making yourself clear. And consider that best laid plans often don't work out, even for your wedding. Make the best of what you have. Have a GREAT anniversary party whenever they are back and you'll remember that more . . . no stress, lots of fun, greater crowd. Best of luck!
Don't be upset. Case A: If the parents are in the right, there's nothing to be upset about. Case B: If the parents are in the wrong, they aren't worth getting upset about.
Also, stick in the mud older siblings are not deserving of being the ones to walk you down the isle! Make them feel old?? Well, they will be feeling very guilty, to not have done it as a loving gesture! They are the big AH here. Just because people are supposed to be family, doesn't mean they will act like family. Too bad for them. When you have children, I would give your MIL and FIL grandparent priority for time with the babies. I just don't see your family as people that will take much interest in your life, married or not.
And she didn’t share her feelings, expecting everyone to read her mind when she’s said she supported the parent’s trip. 🤦🏽♀️
Are the Parents Immigrants. If so What is Country of Origin. Also where does the Oldest Sister live ?
I get it. She can't speak up because she knows her mom--just mom by the sounds of it--doesn't care. She's saving herself the heartbreak of knowing her mom just doesn't really care about her in any way shape or form. If Dad knows she wants them there, so does Mom. Mom would rather see GC. That's all. That's the issue.
From what I can tell...ok, so, the parents decided to go on a 32-YEAR vacation...THEN the daughter gets engaged and decided to NOT postpone the actual wedding until after the parents get back home and expects everyone to put the vacation on hold or buy expensive plane tickets to fly back for said wedding then gets butthurt when her parents won't magically conform to her easily-changed plans that were made knowing the parents already had Big Deal plans in the works... Ok.
I don't get the suggestion that she walks down the aisle herself. Wouldn't walking with her fiancé be better? That's how we do it here anyway, no giving away just two people starting a new life together. Though "starting" nowadays isn't really accurate.
Elope with your man my friend, elope. You can then start your marriage as you mean to go on by putting each other first. I wish you all the best. 😊
Maybe we are missing cultural differences where children don't speak up to older family members.?
Maybe some cultural differences are being missed here where children have a hard time standing up to parents.
Send them a copy of this thread. If you can not talk to them directly. I have no idea why you can not sit down and talk to them. Put it in writing.
1. If they can go on a 2 year vacation, they can afford to fly back and be there. Who the eff goes on vacation for 2 years. Sounds like something stuck up rich a.h. do. And really a.h. For missing your wedding. Just move on with your life without them....
OP needs to reframe the situation in her mind. How about video/zoom for the ceremony? This whole thing does not make sense. Needs more context. Which country is the other sister in? If the other sister is sponsoring the parents to US/UK/EU for residency, then yes, they would need to stay in those countries to show they intend to reside there full-time. They can take small/short trips but really depends on the status of the person supporting their visa. That being said, it is a long road with years of planning to get a visa for immigration. I can understand if the parents are afraid to mess that up. This is life changing. So, given the opportunity to move to another country, which can also benefit the other kids long-term, I can see why they are hesitant to attend the wedding and mess it up. This is not a 2 year vacation. You simply can't stay overseas in a country for 2 years with out a reason to be there unless you are super wealthy, have unique skills, etc. OP needs to suck it up and be thrilled for the parents. Unless the parents do indeed plan to game a system for dual residency. LOL
So everyone expects the parents to wait a whole other year to go on vacation so they can attend the wedding? Op didn't mention anything about flying back being an option. It just seems like she doesn't want them to go see the older sister
It sounds more like they would only need to wait a couple of months since she moved the wedding to the end of this year to accomodate thier first travel change and they could then leave in January which is technically next year. Not well worded but that is what it sounded like with the wedding timing OP stated.
Load More Replies... Your marriage I all likelihood is going to fail no matter how much you spend on the wedding is a reality in America so I am unlikely to ever understand why even normally smart people go in for these lavish high priced perfect weddings.
I can totally understand her. But it makes me think how she never actually told her parents, that she explicitly wants them to attend. She herself wrote, that she told her parents she was ok with them not attending. Just a few jokes, how would she expect them to understand her wishes? So now that‘s what they are doing. Sometimes you have to be honest and tell them, what you really want.
For TWO YEARS? When she already moved her date twice to accomodate thier travel plans changing and they consistently changed thier plans again to conflict with the acvomodations she made for them?
Load More Replies... I think we're missing something here. You don't go on a vacation for two years. How are mom and dad's finances? How long have they not seen their overseas kid? Why are they staying for two years? In my family family stays overseas for two years to help with a newborn. OP is saying things like always having to adjust. That parents don't care enough to see that she's hurt. If she isn't talking about it and talking isn't in parents nature then why would that be different now? I think we're not getting the full story here
OP's story sounds fishy and misleading. Is it a 2 year vacation or are they moving to help their daughter take care of their first grandchild. A K4 visa in the UK allows US residents to live there for 2 years but the start/end dates are set on application. That means you end your leases in the US, sign one in the UK, and ship your possessions to the new place.
They have already changed the travel dates twice - the first time pushing it back well over a year. A baby doesnt wait over a year past thier due date to be born. OP planned the initial date around thier initially planned trip, then moved it to accomodate the initial year+ delay, then they changed thier plans AGAIN to conflict with the new date. They already arent on the dates that would have been on the application (and it sounds like thier initial return date has already passed).
Load More Replies... Grow up and move on dam....life to short and changes to quickly to be crying over this c**p...be happy for your parents and be happy you're getting married to someone who loves and wants to marry you and go on and start your life together...facetime...video...make it work but please stop the drama
How about waiting for your parents to be back and then having your party?
She already planned her wedding to accomodate them and then moved it for them when they changed thier travel plans, which they then changed again to conflict. Why should she have to wait TWO YEARS for her wedding again for them?
Load More Replies... One of the comments bleated on about patriarchy and the handing over of property being gross. Being walked down the aisle is purely symbolic now. besides I've always seen it as a father being trusting and comfortable enough to have his daughter be looked after and cared for by a man he thinks is deserving of her. That's all, it's nothing to do with the "patriarchy" or whatever other buzzword there is at the moment. Just because they don't like it doesn't mean everyone else on the planet shouldn't either, that's really dumb.
Umm... the way you have described it is *exactly* an example of patriarchy. It is not the father's choice who a woman marries. It is her choice. It's great if her father trusts the person she is marrying. Also its not about the woman being 'looked after', it's the couple seeking the best for each other.
Load More Replies... I see me, me, me .. where did I see you say I met my dream man, we love each other, and we will get married regardless of others, as it is between you and the person you marry. Sometimes most important people for us miss out on our life, because they have their own life to live. You should get married, but you don't get to decide and dictate others to follow you suit. The wedding sounds already horrible, you don't need to be walked down. Strong independent woman, who has found love can walk to his man on her own and not need parents to give her away. It seems you value more the image of the day than the purpose. And as a parent I wouldn't attend, as an bride I got papers signed and nobody still knows it's been over a decade. It's just one day of your life, you will have multiple anniversaries, children's Birthdays to share with family and friends. At different times different people might be choosing their other family activities instead of yours.
I'm not sure what you're attempting to say about a third of the way down with your post. Maybe edit? As just a tiny counter to the rest of this squabble; certain events are put on a pedestal and people are strongly encouraged to play their roles. The rationalization you try to administer is poor. On this rationale, OP's husband doesn't have to be there for the birth of their child if he's on vacation with his buddies. He'll be there for the birthdays, right? Sometimes there is one day where you have to step up. In the case of OP's parents, who had 6 or 7 children, they created 6 or 7 potential days in their life where they need to be there, if there is a marriage. Marriage is like a super family activity. It usually only happens once, if you're lucky. You would probably not attend a funeral because you would say the dead person doesn't care if you're there. Total disconnect.
Load More Replies... yeah she is clearly in the wrong like a child throwing a temper tantrum here, they found a solution for her at not cost to her but she refused to except it. She is clearly a princess type because of that last line "I never ask for anything" well asking someone to rearrange travel plans because of your wedding is a big ask especially since you knew when they were leaving in the first place, maybe don't plan the date the same time they are expected to leave plan ahead like she said this was two year in the making.
Hold it a moment bride says at the start the travel arrangements for parents trip were made before bf even proposed. So she planned wedding knowing parents had made plans to be away. Yeah she is the a'hole to expect them to change plans.
Her parents are going to be gone for 2 years? Should she wait for 2 years to get married or have kids because her parents can't be bothered to book a flight? How dare anyone gets married or have kids or die during the upcoming 2 years?! They all ought to put their lives on hold until they are back from their staycation. This poor girl needs a divorce, not from her sweetheart but the unrealizable family who think there's nothing wrong with missing her wedding. I'm sure she was expected at all her siblings wedding.
Load More Replies... I'm on the parents side. They had this planned and the excitement of going on this trip. Then to get ingaged after they have planned this is truly selfish on the brides side. Why doesn't she plan her wedding date after her parents return from this probably very needed vacation. Especially after raising that many kids. Hold your wedding off, not thier vacation.
Looks like she did move the date, and they could have postponed their trip but they decided not to.
Load More Replies... If their plans were made before your bf proposed, you're in the wrong for picking a date when they are away, sorry yes you are the a55hole !
Seriously, all this deama is probably causing you and your fiance alot of tension. Your parents won't attend due to a prior commitment- you yourself should not put your life on hold for 2 years.. go get married. I personally would get married by a justice of the peace because of the circumstances but you do what makes you and fiance happy. If you dont invest in a large wedding- maybe you can invest instead on a long vacation yourself... that might be what your fiance would prefer but ask him. It's all good, Noone is intentionally hurting anyone.
So...you KNEW when they were leaving. They've been planning this long term...... and you think THEY should change plans that have been in place for a long time? Ummm....you moved the date...but you didn't move it to a time BEFORE their trip....... and you think they are the assholes?
It's not like there was an exact date for the trip, just that they planned for a 2 year vacation. They could've gone after her wedding but they decided, mostly the mom and sister, to ignore a person who never asked for anything from them. OP needs to grow a spine and stick up for herself, yes, but it's not easy to do that when someone's a people pleaser.
Load More Replies... From what I read, you are the selfish a*****e. 2 year vacation was planned and you are cutting into it with a wedding.
I don't thinI don't think you have read the whole thing. The bride to be has already changed the date of the wedding twice to accommodate her parents. They are choosing to miss the wedding.
Load More Replies... No she said they will be gone for 2 years and it is the first time they have gone abroad. She initially planned the wedding for AFTER they returned. Then when they didnt get thier VISAs when expected and had to delay she CHANGED her wedding date to accomodate the new anticipated travel dates, then the parents changed their travel dates AGAIN to conflict with the new wedding date.
Load More Replies... So everyone else is okay with the dates (including his side of the family), why should it have to move again for her parents? Not sure why people are acting as if her family are the only people invited to the wedding
Load More Replies... “About two years ago she invited our parents on a two year vacation”
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