“I Think What He Did Was A Red Flag”: Bride Asks Groom For A Divorce Just A Day After Their Wedding
Marriage is built on communication, respect, and trust. So if you can’t have these things on your wedding day, which is supposed to be one of the happiest moments of your life, is there a future at all? This woman doesn’t think so.
Online magazine Slate has an advice column called “Dear Prudence” where readers submit questions they don’t have answers to. For one of its recent editions, an anonymous woman sent in a confession where she described the disrespectful stunt her partner pulled on her during the ceremony.
She asked for a divorce the very next day, but everyone around her said she was overreacting and should give her man another chance. But she doesn’t want to and believes in her judgment. So the woman described what happened and asked for reassurance if what she was doing was OK.
A woman felt hugely disrespected during her wedding day, so she asked for a divorce the next morning
Image credits: TIGER (not the actual photo)
And described the situation to an online magazine, asking if she overreacted
Dr. Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist and host of the podcast The Kurre and Klapow Show, defines romantic compatibility as “the degree to which each person’s view of love, intimacy, and attraction (and the expression of these experiences) work together for mutual benefit.” So if the author of the post feels loved when she can be safe, her partner taking it away from her on their special day is beyond selfish.
Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, added that romantic compatibility happens when two people are “equally attracted to each other.” But more than feeling butterflies and being emotionally intimate, according to Susan, romantic compatibility happens when they’re both “on the same page about where you want the relationship to go.”
When it comes to romance, it’s all about the details, like doing activities the two of you can enjoy together. Not one person having fun at the expense of the other. This is just plain bullying. For Jessmina “Minaa B.” Archbold, psychotherapist, social worker, and author of Rivers Are Coming: Essays and Poems on Healing, romantic compatibility is when two partners respect each other and are interested in learning more about each other. “You don’t necessarily have to share the same interests,” Archbold explained. “But it means caring enough to learn about each other in order to strengthen the relationship bond, while also learning about each other’s needs.”
Wherever you look, experts define a good match as a union. That’s not a cliché. It’s reality. And if one party isn’t willing to accept it, why should the other pay the price for it?
The publishers said it’s all up to her
Image credits: slate.com
While every situation is different, JC Law, a legal firm with decades of experience in helping couples realize when to get a divorce instead of a mediation, claim these signs heavily suggest the former:
- You’re actively avoiding your partner;
- They don’t act like your partner;
- You don’t trust or respect your partner;
- You’ve tried and tried and tried… But nothing changes;
- You’re worried about what others might think;
- You’re staying together for the kids;
- It’s cheaper to stay together;
- You daydream about single life or dating;
- You’re thinking about separation, if not divorce.
I wonder how many of these apply to the newlyweds.
And so did everyone else who read her story
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Huh. It's weird how much people can change after marriage, but I'm sure there were red flags way before. You don't just turn into an asshat overnight.
My family is from France and I grew up in Canada. Is smashing the cake in the bride's face an American custom? It sounds awfully hostile. (If both bride and groom are into that, that's different - still odd, but their mutual business)
I've seen it a few times, where a piece of cake is smeared liberally onto the face, usually the bride's first. It's cliche, and the bride never actually looks very happy about it. She usually laughs along because she doesn't want to get upset in front of everybody, but you can tell she's sort of pissed. Then she usually pays it back to the guy even worse because of how pissed she is, and it's the only acceptable outlet for her emotions at that moment. Then everybody laughs and takes pictures like they're having a good time. Yay, marriage. I never understand why the bride doesn't ask the groom not to do it beforehand.
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I had to stop reading at the part where he held her face int the cake. My PTSD redlined just thinking of it. TLDR: I'm on her side. Side note: My one close friend walked otu of her own reception and demanded an annulment due to this exact same behavior. Sinec we'd all known them both since age 14, we'd already placed informal wagers on how long that would take. They've been married 28 years, btw.
Ouch, the story in your side not is really sad. If she was that unhappy with her partner that early on, AND you all knew or expected that she would be, I doubt it's been smooth sailing since. 28 years doesn't necessarily mean 28 good years, and I wonder if she's just not self-assured enough to end something that is making her alternately happy and unhappy.
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Tradition or not, this was a VIOLENT behaviour! If he wanted the cake smearing so bad they probably could've come up with some compromise. Instead, he chose to physically restrain the bride (wtf), drag her by the hair (painful WTF) and HOLD HER DOWN face in the cake?!?! At this point I don't give a f**k about respect and prior agreements - this dude just chose to use VIOLENCE at you and to get his wishes. Run. Run like a wind and if you feel like it, sue his a** for assault.
Reason #352,347.953,754 not to hold a huge expensive wedding! Your spouse might decide to show their true colors after the deal is sealed.
Load More Replies... I broke up with a guy because he thought it was funny to tickle me. I had asked him numerous times not to. It is so uncomfortable for me because I am suuuper ticklish. The final straw was he sat on me and tickled me until I cried. He acted so shocked that I broke up with him right then and there. It is called boundaries and respect, sir.
I totally get you. I now tend to say, “don’t touch my feet, and that’s not a girly, teehee, don’t touch my feet. That’s a don’t touch my feet or I’ll kick you in the face and put you out the door like a rubbish bag”. Only had one guy that thought it was funny and still tried. Booted out and blocked on all media, enjoy your “joke” mr. disrespectful
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''And being held there''??? That's assault! Married life is tough enough; if he doesn,t have the sensitivity to behave during a wedding, there will be hell to pay as soon as a really stressful situation comes up.
This is so sad. He's willing to do this to you now, in front of his and your friends and family, what's he gonna do to you in private? Red flag. Divorce him IMMEDIATELY. You deserve someone SO MUCH better who treats you how you deserve to be treated. Like a queen.
Seriously, that was not just a red flag, it was a well-stocked red flag STORE! And it isn't just the red flag, what I've experienced is that if someone close to me did something cruel and horrible... I immediately lost all feeling for them. The love vanished in an instant, not as a conscious decision, my feelings just changed when I saw what they were capable of.
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That’s so terrible, that man is a menace. Cake to the face is not an American tradition???? It’s a tradition for idiots? My partner would never disrespect me like that. And if he did I’d walk. Good on her.
It would never even occur to my husband to do it. The closest might be at home and it would be just a playful smear to lick off - and I'm more likely to do that. But that's more of a silly private joke and no comparison with the groom being brutal to the bride.
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He either didn't take her (very valid) concerns and wishes seriously or he didn't care about her discomfort, neither of the options speak for a good partner. I hope she could get an annulment.
If you specifically ask your partner not to do something, and they do it anyway, they do not respect you. Good on OP for wanting to move on immediately...that way she doesn't have to deal with years of misery.
She very clearly told him to not do anything like this, and he did it anyway. Enough said.
My thoughts exactly. If he didn't know how she really felt I can at least see the possibility of giving him another chance. The fact that he didn't respect her only wish is just terrible.
Load More Replies... I love a good prank, and I never miss a good opportunity to tell a bad joke, but this is ridiculous behavior. Today is my 16th wedding anniversary, and never even thought about smashing cake in my wife's face. It sounds like she gave him fair warning well in advance, get that annulled.
I agree and there must have been other red flags before the wedding but she was too blind to see them.
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The fact that he planned it (with the cupcakes), is what really bothers me. No excuse either way, but spontaneous just doesn't seem as bad? I guess.
I might just possibly have forgiven spontaneous, if he'd been convincingly sorry after. But the cupcakes blew that right out of the window
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I was married to a man like this. It never gets better. Public humiliation attempts and disrespect is how it is always going to go. Getting some kind of support or approval for the actions is part of the deal. He has a crowd backing him up in his decisions and actions, therefore he is right, you are wrong. Don't bother with what others feel you should do. I don't care how many people insist he deserves a second chance, or it was only a joke, a little teasing. No. No, it wasn't. Turn on your heel and walk off. Your life will be better without him. That was an incredible level of disrespect and inexcusable.
I told my husband from the beginning that I most definitely did not want cake smashed on my face. Do you know what he did? He certainly did not smash cake on me. Because he respects me. And that is the basic problem with this story: it's clear this groom has zero respect for his bride. That's not going to change if she relents and she should definitely get out.
Seems some partners have forgotten the meaning of the cake ceremony as a symbol to feed and take care of each other. In some cultures, it is drinking from the same cup of wine and tying of a silk cord around their wrists to symbolize that the couple is now joined and drink all of life’s sweet and bitter moments together on their journey.
The physical aggression in a public setting is a sufficient red flag of his disregard for your boundaries let alone your safety. Sadly, find a family law attorney and move on. Your husband will apologize and whine and beg but know this is just the start of a cycle of abuse that will only intensify. Best wishes.
Hmm, groom decides he's technically not violating what she wants because he shoved her into the cake instead of the cake onto her. Total asshole. Also sounds like a petty and malicious personality to me.
People can be very good at hiding these kinds of things, and usually lower/drop the pretense once they think they are "safe".
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Another example of everyone telling a woman she needs to put up with a guy's s**t*y behavior, that the whole situation is her fault even though she specifically tried to avoid it. It's not just A-hole guys, it's all the culture surrounding them that keeps encouraging it, even the family and friends of the victim. I hope she runs like Usain Bolt.
I told my husband that I will have professional makeup and hair done and a very expensive dress on. If he were to touch anywhere on my body other than INSIDE my mouth with that bite of cake that there would be UTTER HELL to pay on his part. He loves me and knows me well enough to know I wasn't joking so he very politely placed the bite in my mouth, as I did for him. It was beautiful and picturesque and this whole cake thing makes me hate it for the OP. What a jerk.
She's already dodging a bullet and a bunch of people are trying to shover back in the bullet's way. And this cake-smashing thing rankles because I grew up very poor and, dowels and other eye injury sources aside, can't stand the idea of ruining an expensive cake for a cheap laugh at your loved one's expense.
There's even a first birthday photo with cake smash trend. A trend that needs to die.
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That's an american tradition? I never saw someone did that at a wedding, maybe a small can of cream on the nose with the fork... then after divorce for that...
Bakers have been telling people to quit it with the cake smashing on the face tradition cause lots of people have suffered injuries from toothpicks or others stuff put in cakes to keep them upright. This sh!tty tradition should be banned.
As a former baker, I cringed so hard reading that rather than smearing cake he smashed her face into the cake. Oh. My. God. He's lucky he's only getting an annulment rather than attempted homicide!!! For a wedding cake, you need to use some pretty serious dowels to keep it steady, especially if it's multi-tiered. A lot of bakers also "sharpen" the tip a little so the dowels go into the cake smoothly. Ahhhhh!!!
Load More Replies... I read an article once that said how couples do the cake cutting and feeding tells you so much about how the marriage will be. And after doing two years of videography I believe it.
My husband I agreed we would not remotely do the whole cake smashing thing at our wedding. Guests wanted us to, but we just gently fed each other a bite of cake. If someone would to do that to me I would have kicked him in the nuts and then dumped the cake on him as I stomped on his balls while he was down.
My husband and I both agreed - no cake smashing. I had seen blue icing go up my cousin's nose from that at her reception. Hubby did smear a little icing - white - on the side of my mouth. Not a big deal. We were both laughing. I smeared a small bit of icing on his bald head. But nothing like what this poor woman had done to her. THAT was practically assault.
The man does not understand or respect the concept of consent. That alone is a huge red flag. He also thinks it's a hilarious joke to put his hands on her and forcibly humiliate her in front of a crowd of friends and family, on one the most important (and most photographed) days of her life. If friends and relatives are telling her she's a fool to divorce this "gem," she not only needs to ditch her husband... she needs to ditch those friends and relatives. (And no, mashing cake in each other's face is not some time-honored American wedding tradition. It's an obnoxious new one, like gender reveal parties with explosives.)
He assaulted her on their wedding day in front of their guests. What an absolutely horrendous thing to do. Speaks volumes about his respect for her well-being and her wishes.
Don't walk, run out of that "marriage." He's someone that wants to dominate and did so by betraying your trust. In fact, I'll drive through several states (as a woman to help another) to drive you out of there. Yuck!
She probably separated from him that day and refused to go on the honeymoon. All she need now do is make it legal.
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Yeah, I'd say straight-up assault and battery in public is grounds to GTFO ASAP. As someone said on another post here recently, that flag is so red Stalin would have flown it over the Kremlin. When I got married in 1995, my now-husband was informed that there would be NO smushing, smearing, etc. We were going to conduct the "feed each other cake" in a civilized and tidy manner befitting what we saw as a spiritually significant event (the wedding). He completely agreed.
The fun tradition of the couple feeding each other the first bites of wedding cake dates back to Ancient Roman times. It symbolizes the couple's first feat together as a unified team. It also shows that you are committed to creating a sweet life together. This bride needs to get a divorce from this creep. It will only get worse.
Wedding Day Assault and Battery seems like an adequate reason to divorce a violent man.
That's exactly what it is. I hope she walked away from him after the reception and went to stay somewhere else or returned to their home and changed the locks.
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That poor bride. Image what she must have felt while being held down in that cake. She already suffered a traumatic accident that caused her to now be claustrophobic. This guy is so disrespectful and insensitive to his bride. Definitely a red flag. An annulment is very fitting. He doesn't deserve her at all. Best wish to the OP.
That was straight up violent. I would do exactly what op is doing - immediate annulment.
This is definitely not funny. He knew before hand how much she didn't want this to happen and he disregarded it anyway. Why do people do this? On the day that supposed to be one of the happiest in your life, and the ONE person you're supposed to trust the most completely ruins it, all for "a laugh". This is sad. I wonder what he has to say about his behavior? Since everyone else in her family has jumped in to give their opinion- what's his reasoning? And this isn't a long term relationship- it's not like they've been married or together for YEARS and this is something she needs to really contemplate before jumping out. Hell, NOW is the time to jump before she's in TOO deep!
Here's the thing, if you tell someone how you do not wish to be treated and they keep doing it anyway. That person does not value your feelings and does not listen. So many bad relationships can be avoided by getting to know who the person really is. That takes time and different interactions. How people deal with things and behave will show over time. I think she is right to call it off. Seeing how she vividly communicated with him how she feels and he intentionally did the opposite for whatever reason. People need to realize how their actions affect others and when you do these things you're accountable and there will be consequences for your actions. I just don't think a lot of people take that seriously now a days. To which I say, don't engage with people like that. Unless you know they see what they did was wrong and are willing to take accountability. If they fight it, run!
Personal experience. That first act of aggression establishes their feeling of superiority. After that, the aggressive behavior turns to mild violence and then worse. She is absolutely right getting out as soon as she recognizes it.
Why did she have to ask him not to rub cake on her face? Is it common?
The tradition is to FEED each other a piece of the cake, not to smash it into someone's face.
Yes it is assault. A divorce or annulment isn't enough. She should report him to the police and change the locks on their house.
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I don't understand how someone can hurt the person they claim to love. I know there are people out there who do it for the power trip, and some have issues that cause them to lash out, but to disrespect your bride when she tells you not to do something, and also humiliate her in front of her wedding guests? That dude is an asshole, and I think the incident was the red flag that broke the camel's back.
I guess if my husband had done that to me at our wedding, I would first of all have returned the favour. "how do you like dem apples, hobbi!". If I didn't think it was funny getting a cake in my face, and was being a total jerk about it "come on it was funny, can't you take a joke?" I would probably also file for divorce. But if he was sincerly sorry when seeing my reaction, I don't think it would have come to a divorce (straight away) .. But she didn't overreact, she reacted, and noone should tell her how she should have behaved...
I would do the same. Maybe not q divorce but a speration yes. Society is always telling women to wait around for 20 years
Nope, divorce. Maybe even annulment. If he disregards her wishes to such an extreme degree on the very first day of their marriage, it's unlikely to get any better.
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I have never witnessed this in real life, but here's Martha Stewart on it: https://www.marthastewart.com/7898539/wedding-cake-smash-history
I was a wedding DJ for many years and saw a lot of this too. I've seen it done playfully, where one starts feeding the other then dot's their nose with the cake. That was fine, I've seen people make a mess of things while the crowd cheered. It was cringy. I did see a few couples that seemed to give it and take it in style and they both had fun with it. That was a mess, but great fun. Everyone was laughing including both the bride and the groom. It was obvious that had both planned for it. That's fine. The point is know who you're marrying and RESPECT them. This bride may have dodges a life long bullet.
I've never understood the 'tradition' of smashing cake in someone's face, especially when it's a couple at their wedding. Okay, so if they both decide they want to do it, then good for them. But if someone explicitly says they don't want that done and then someone else goes out of their way to do it anyways? Fück that person. I wouldn't want to marry anyone who wouldn't listen to what I wanted. This woman is completely right and definitely needs to stay away from anyone who says 'oh, it was just a joke! Forgive him!"
As Mother of the bride I would be bloody furious! Pay fore the cake! Pay for the decoration! and the bastard groom do THAT. The behaviour is insulting all round, to the bride, to the bride's family and all the other guests, If it is a 'tradition": in the USA, then I think the Country is FAR FAR sicker than I ever realised. (NOT to mention that BP cannot spell!!! BP get and English word check!! Please!)
What foo- king tradition????? I would say that the bloke is definitely a sadist and probably worse insanity, Don't get a divorce, Get an annulment
I had the same discussion with my ex. I told him straight up that I found this tradition disrespectful and degrading & if he even tried to shove cake in my face I would file the next day. I still divorced him less than a year later, but it had nothing to do with cake.
The man was violent , disrespctful and not someone you want to be in the same room with. He's dangerous. Anyone who thinks you should stay with him needs to bind themselves until they panic, then have a cake smashed into their face and not be able to breath while someone who loves(?) them holds them down until they cry, then and only then should they be allowed to say stay!
I don't understand this at all. I know how much work my wife did to make and decorate our wedding cake (we were on a tight budget then and did our whole wedding for a few hundred dollars), and we wanted everyone to enjoy a piece of it. And it's just plain disrespectful to the bride to treat her like that.
I bet there are other red flags that she saw even before the wedding and probably she just proceeded with the wedding because of the people around her. And now this happened. I think it is better to separate now while you dont have any kids yet. It will be more complicated if you wait longer.
They were other red flags but she probably didn't see them.
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Run from this dbag as far and fast as you can! Good thing you found out now.
Mens way of secretly saying, "you don't wear the pants" !!! He did that because the narcissist was asked specifically NOT to do that!!
I've always felt that the cake-shoving bit was a deep sign of immaturity and unreadiness for marriage. My brother did it - and his marriage lasted a few years. My bride and I did not, and we're still together at the quarter-century mark.
I don't like this "tradition" at weddings, it's disrespectful and it's just NOT funny. It takes a lot of effort, time, and monetary for brides to get ready. As for OP's situation, she needs to proceed with the annulment ADAP. What he did, in my opinion, was HUGE RED FLAG. He didn't respect her wish and has no problem making a joke at someone's expense. If he can do those things to his new wife/partner, someone whom he loves, I can only imagine how far he'd go with people doesn't care?
But in what culture is it normal for the groom to rub the wedding cake on the bride's face? The bride had even asked him in advance not to do it, so it was "normal" for her to expect such a thing. I've never seen something like this done at a wedding, in my country it would be absurd and unacceptable.
My stomach turned. A red flag indeed.trustbyour own feelings and listen to them, actions always speak louder than words.
I don't blame her. It was a terrible violation of her trust and a clear demonstration that he doesn't care about her feelings and needs. I always thought the ceremony of feeding each other is a beautiful tradition. I totally hate the groom smashing the bride's face into the cake or smearing cake all over the bride's face. It is very immature to say the least. I wonder how a person feels about marriage if they try to turn part of the wedding/ reception into a bad vaudeville act. It also shows a lack of concern about the bride's efforts to look her best and makes a waste of the money spent on makeup, hair styling, wedding dress and the cake.
I hope she is getting the divorce! I wish I had done that immediately and saved myself 6 years of getting up the nerve to leave him.
Don't understand why anyone would want to ruin an expensive cake, makeup, hairstyle, dress etc at all, but doing it when your partner made clear they don't want it is just humiliating and hurting them. Too close to violence and control for me. Divorce and allow him the life consequence of explaining to future partners why his first wife divorced him.
No, I'm sorry but I am on her side. She explicitly asked him not to do that. He disregarded and disrespected her wishes, her and her fears. For what? His 5 seconds of fun? He humiliated and SCARED her! He is a total asshole for doing that. Personally I would probably be too "nice" to divorce him, but good for her to sticking to it!
Has he actually recognised that what he did was wrong and apologised for it?
Is this cake smashing an American thing as I have never seen it at a UK wedding?
While the incidence itself is cause for consideration, thinking beyond, the real question is whether or not, in later years will you feel regret. Will this be the man you really loved, you let get away and didn't give another chance? Or, will he be the bullet you dodged?
I keep thinking he could have accidentally impaled her cheek/ eyes on the dowel rod supports in the cake by slamming her face into it.
OMG, I totally forgot about the dowels! She absolutely could have lost an eye!
This is the first time I'm learning that something like cake smashing is a thing and during A WEDDING to boot, and I'm horrified that she even had to specifically tell him not to do that. I hope she's happily divorced right now and that the cost of the failed wedding was all paid by him.
This post makes me equally sad and angry at the same time! Run OP RUN!!
I've said it once I'll say it again.... Where I'm from you have to mail in the certificate (bottom portion) to be recorded by the courts, which means, if you don't send it in (or hand deliver) it's never recorded. If it's never recorded it never happened. So therefore, if you walked away that day JUST DON'T FILE THE CERT. Second: I can't believe he did this. I too had a Christmas wedding, we ARE the smash cake in faces people BUT we discussed this and I told him absolutely not that day. He was so sweet and gently fed me a small piece. Respect people. Respect. Would I divorce him over it? meh probably not. Would I be pissed? Ya. But that's because I know my husband inside and out, I don't know this guy. If this is a habit of his (attitude not cake smashing) then yea walk away.
I did something similar on a much smaller scale. He and I had only been dating a few months. We were at his dad's cabin for the weekend with his dad, his dad's girlfriend, girlfriend's 14 year old and 14 year old's friend. We were talking, just the two of us about our relationship. He was pretty closed off and I expressed a desire to know how he felt about how things were going. A few minutes later, it was dinner time and he loudly announces that I wanted to know how he "fEeLs" he said he "feels like eating " I was so embarrassed. I considered it a red flag, and a betrayal. I broke up with him that night after dinner.
It's quite boring to have to keep taking the temperature of a relationship especially one so soon into it. I had a boyfriend who kept saying that he thought the relationship wasn't going anywhere. What he meant was that I wasn't giving up enough in my life for him as if I hadn't already given up enough already. He wanted me to move into his street and get rid of most of my possessions on top of giving up friends. I started seeing those friends again.
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That is just the start of it. Get out NOW. He obviously doesn’t care about your feelings and to humiliate you in front of all your guests. Make a list of those who say that you’re making too much of it and blank them. They cannot ever know how you are feeling. I imagine it wouldn’t be too long till the physical abuse starts from this guy if you stay with him. Get out now and life a happy life xxxx
What a crapload of misogynist bullshit. This is a major humiliation of the bride, and absolutely nothing that should have a place in a modern, equitable society. I'm actually shocked that people say it's a tradition. Never heard of it. In Germany, the couple cuts the cake together, and that's it.
I told my soon to be husband that if he smashed cake in my face I would turn around and walk out and I would be getting the marriage annulled. I brought it up because he brought up how funny he thinks it is.
This is how it starts. To show dominance. It follows the same pattern almost every time and is VERY hard to break once it starts. For both partners that is because it quickly turns into a new "normal" as it goes on. It CAN be broken if the person who is abusive want to and really own up to his/her actions but it reality they usually can't/won't. To them that means losing power and that's the opposite of what they want. So they keep excusing their behavior, often putting all blame on the victim and it goes on and gets worse...hopefully OP was able to walk away from this. This type of behavior is never about being "funny" and is no where near an act of love. It's about control, feeling superior and power.
I will admit it was a betrayal of trust, and only she can decide if divorce is right. However, the advice Prudence gave was horrible. Not only did she tell her to divorce him, she also told her to alienate her friends and family by keeping a mental note on who betrayed her by saying she should give him another chance. I know Dear Prudence gives bad advice, but this is the worst.
When did it become a tradition to wreck a cake, ruin make up and possibly ruin a dress? Sounds like a bloody stupid thing to do, born out of the jackass trend of doing dumb things.
I think this must have been the final straw that broke camels back.
Is this a thing in America? It's just...degrading, wasteful, vulgar and not funny.
If you're marrying a narcissist and you are too young to know what that means, which is what I did, you will smile, and try to chuckle, and forgive him as you wipe your face. You will want to cry the rest of the evening and try to put it behind you over the next 2 weeks and try to forget it ever happened. This you will do over and over again for the next 10, maybe 20 years. I did it for 40 years. He passed away 3 years ago and when ever I think about him, which is daily unfortunately, I can't help but wonder about what a good life I might have had with out him.
Yeah, I don't blame her and I admire her for having the courage of her convictions. I do blame her for getting married when her attitude toward the marriage seems to have been "what the hell, why not?"
When my uncle got married 35 years ago, he and his wife playfully bopped a little frosting the other’s nose and laughed about it. How the hell this kind of playful little thing turned into smashing food into someone’s face, or full in assaulting your bride like this clown? Way, way too many people have no respect for the person they’re marrying. I’ve had failed relationships, but they weren’t because we didn’t give a sh*t about respecting each other’s needs and boundaries.
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I doubt she would qualify for an annulment. With a divorce, she'd probably need to have a separation period first. After a couple months apart, she'll know if she wants to give him another chance or if she's happier without him. I think she should go ahead with the separation with the intention of a divorce and if she changes her mind later, they can reconcile.
Yeah ladies. Listen up you should settle for abuse and disrespect. Don't strive for better! Let's just let men be d***s and not demand they be better. Woooooo!
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So not wanting to have your face smashed down into a cake and held there is "nuts"? How so? Are you saying that it's insane to not want to be physically assaulted in front of a whole room full of people? Would it be "nuts" for him to divorce if she'd kicked him in the crotch in front of everyone as a "joke" at their wedding reception?
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Huh. It's weird how much people can change after marriage, but I'm sure there were red flags way before. You don't just turn into an asshat overnight.
My family is from France and I grew up in Canada. Is smashing the cake in the bride's face an American custom? It sounds awfully hostile. (If both bride and groom are into that, that's different - still odd, but their mutual business)
I've seen it a few times, where a piece of cake is smeared liberally onto the face, usually the bride's first. It's cliche, and the bride never actually looks very happy about it. She usually laughs along because she doesn't want to get upset in front of everybody, but you can tell she's sort of pissed. Then she usually pays it back to the guy even worse because of how pissed she is, and it's the only acceptable outlet for her emotions at that moment. Then everybody laughs and takes pictures like they're having a good time. Yay, marriage. I never understand why the bride doesn't ask the groom not to do it beforehand.
Load More Replies... I had to stop reading at the part where he held her face int the cake. My PTSD redlined just thinking of it. TLDR: I'm on her side. Side note: My one close friend walked otu of her own reception and demanded an annulment due to this exact same behavior. Sinec we'd all known them both since age 14, we'd already placed informal wagers on how long that would take. They've been married 28 years, btw.
Ouch, the story in your side not is really sad. If she was that unhappy with her partner that early on, AND you all knew or expected that she would be, I doubt it's been smooth sailing since. 28 years doesn't necessarily mean 28 good years, and I wonder if she's just not self-assured enough to end something that is making her alternately happy and unhappy.
Load More Replies... Tradition or not, this was a VIOLENT behaviour! If he wanted the cake smearing so bad they probably could've come up with some compromise. Instead, he chose to physically restrain the bride (wtf), drag her by the hair (painful WTF) and HOLD HER DOWN face in the cake?!?! At this point I don't give a f**k about respect and prior agreements - this dude just chose to use VIOLENCE at you and to get his wishes. Run. Run like a wind and if you feel like it, sue his a** for assault.
Reason #352,347.953,754 not to hold a huge expensive wedding! Your spouse might decide to show their true colors after the deal is sealed.
Load More Replies... I broke up with a guy because he thought it was funny to tickle me. I had asked him numerous times not to. It is so uncomfortable for me because I am suuuper ticklish. The final straw was he sat on me and tickled me until I cried. He acted so shocked that I broke up with him right then and there. It is called boundaries and respect, sir.
I totally get you. I now tend to say, “don’t touch my feet, and that’s not a girly, teehee, don’t touch my feet. That’s a don’t touch my feet or I’ll kick you in the face and put you out the door like a rubbish bag”. Only had one guy that thought it was funny and still tried. Booted out and blocked on all media, enjoy your “joke” mr. disrespectful
Load More Replies... ''And being held there''??? That's assault! Married life is tough enough; if he doesn,t have the sensitivity to behave during a wedding, there will be hell to pay as soon as a really stressful situation comes up.
This is so sad. He's willing to do this to you now, in front of his and your friends and family, what's he gonna do to you in private? Red flag. Divorce him IMMEDIATELY. You deserve someone SO MUCH better who treats you how you deserve to be treated. Like a queen.
Seriously, that was not just a red flag, it was a well-stocked red flag STORE! And it isn't just the red flag, what I've experienced is that if someone close to me did something cruel and horrible... I immediately lost all feeling for them. The love vanished in an instant, not as a conscious decision, my feelings just changed when I saw what they were capable of.
Load More Replies... That’s so terrible, that man is a menace. Cake to the face is not an American tradition???? It’s a tradition for idiots? My partner would never disrespect me like that. And if he did I’d walk. Good on her.
It would never even occur to my husband to do it. The closest might be at home and it would be just a playful smear to lick off - and I'm more likely to do that. But that's more of a silly private joke and no comparison with the groom being brutal to the bride.
Load More Replies... He either didn't take her (very valid) concerns and wishes seriously or he didn't care about her discomfort, neither of the options speak for a good partner. I hope she could get an annulment.
If you specifically ask your partner not to do something, and they do it anyway, they do not respect you. Good on OP for wanting to move on immediately...that way she doesn't have to deal with years of misery.
She very clearly told him to not do anything like this, and he did it anyway. Enough said.
My thoughts exactly. If he didn't know how she really felt I can at least see the possibility of giving him another chance. The fact that he didn't respect her only wish is just terrible.
Load More Replies... I love a good prank, and I never miss a good opportunity to tell a bad joke, but this is ridiculous behavior. Today is my 16th wedding anniversary, and never even thought about smashing cake in my wife's face. It sounds like she gave him fair warning well in advance, get that annulled.
I agree and there must have been other red flags before the wedding but she was too blind to see them.
Load More Replies... The fact that he planned it (with the cupcakes), is what really bothers me. No excuse either way, but spontaneous just doesn't seem as bad? I guess.
I might just possibly have forgiven spontaneous, if he'd been convincingly sorry after. But the cupcakes blew that right out of the window
Load More Replies... I was married to a man like this. It never gets better. Public humiliation attempts and disrespect is how it is always going to go. Getting some kind of support or approval for the actions is part of the deal. He has a crowd backing him up in his decisions and actions, therefore he is right, you are wrong. Don't bother with what others feel you should do. I don't care how many people insist he deserves a second chance, or it was only a joke, a little teasing. No. No, it wasn't. Turn on your heel and walk off. Your life will be better without him. That was an incredible level of disrespect and inexcusable.
I told my husband from the beginning that I most definitely did not want cake smashed on my face. Do you know what he did? He certainly did not smash cake on me. Because he respects me. And that is the basic problem with this story: it's clear this groom has zero respect for his bride. That's not going to change if she relents and she should definitely get out.
Seems some partners have forgotten the meaning of the cake ceremony as a symbol to feed and take care of each other. In some cultures, it is drinking from the same cup of wine and tying of a silk cord around their wrists to symbolize that the couple is now joined and drink all of life’s sweet and bitter moments together on their journey.
The physical aggression in a public setting is a sufficient red flag of his disregard for your boundaries let alone your safety. Sadly, find a family law attorney and move on. Your husband will apologize and whine and beg but know this is just the start of a cycle of abuse that will only intensify. Best wishes.
Hmm, groom decides he's technically not violating what she wants because he shoved her into the cake instead of the cake onto her. Total asshole. Also sounds like a petty and malicious personality to me.
People can be very good at hiding these kinds of things, and usually lower/drop the pretense once they think they are "safe".
Load More Replies... Another example of everyone telling a woman she needs to put up with a guy's s**t*y behavior, that the whole situation is her fault even though she specifically tried to avoid it. It's not just A-hole guys, it's all the culture surrounding them that keeps encouraging it, even the family and friends of the victim. I hope she runs like Usain Bolt.
I told my husband that I will have professional makeup and hair done and a very expensive dress on. If he were to touch anywhere on my body other than INSIDE my mouth with that bite of cake that there would be UTTER HELL to pay on his part. He loves me and knows me well enough to know I wasn't joking so he very politely placed the bite in my mouth, as I did for him. It was beautiful and picturesque and this whole cake thing makes me hate it for the OP. What a jerk.
She's already dodging a bullet and a bunch of people are trying to shover back in the bullet's way. And this cake-smashing thing rankles because I grew up very poor and, dowels and other eye injury sources aside, can't stand the idea of ruining an expensive cake for a cheap laugh at your loved one's expense.
There's even a first birthday photo with cake smash trend. A trend that needs to die.
Load More Replies... That's an american tradition? I never saw someone did that at a wedding, maybe a small can of cream on the nose with the fork... then after divorce for that...
Bakers have been telling people to quit it with the cake smashing on the face tradition cause lots of people have suffered injuries from toothpicks or others stuff put in cakes to keep them upright. This sh!tty tradition should be banned.
As a former baker, I cringed so hard reading that rather than smearing cake he smashed her face into the cake. Oh. My. God. He's lucky he's only getting an annulment rather than attempted homicide!!! For a wedding cake, you need to use some pretty serious dowels to keep it steady, especially if it's multi-tiered. A lot of bakers also "sharpen" the tip a little so the dowels go into the cake smoothly. Ahhhhh!!!
Load More Replies... I read an article once that said how couples do the cake cutting and feeding tells you so much about how the marriage will be. And after doing two years of videography I believe it.
My husband I agreed we would not remotely do the whole cake smashing thing at our wedding. Guests wanted us to, but we just gently fed each other a bite of cake. If someone would to do that to me I would have kicked him in the nuts and then dumped the cake on him as I stomped on his balls while he was down.
My husband and I both agreed - no cake smashing. I had seen blue icing go up my cousin's nose from that at her reception. Hubby did smear a little icing - white - on the side of my mouth. Not a big deal. We were both laughing. I smeared a small bit of icing on his bald head. But nothing like what this poor woman had done to her. THAT was practically assault.
The man does not understand or respect the concept of consent. That alone is a huge red flag. He also thinks it's a hilarious joke to put his hands on her and forcibly humiliate her in front of a crowd of friends and family, on one the most important (and most photographed) days of her life. If friends and relatives are telling her she's a fool to divorce this "gem," she not only needs to ditch her husband... she needs to ditch those friends and relatives. (And no, mashing cake in each other's face is not some time-honored American wedding tradition. It's an obnoxious new one, like gender reveal parties with explosives.)
He assaulted her on their wedding day in front of their guests. What an absolutely horrendous thing to do. Speaks volumes about his respect for her well-being and her wishes.
Don't walk, run out of that "marriage." He's someone that wants to dominate and did so by betraying your trust. In fact, I'll drive through several states (as a woman to help another) to drive you out of there. Yuck!
She probably separated from him that day and refused to go on the honeymoon. All she need now do is make it legal.
Load More Replies... Yeah, I'd say straight-up assault and battery in public is grounds to GTFO ASAP. As someone said on another post here recently, that flag is so red Stalin would have flown it over the Kremlin. When I got married in 1995, my now-husband was informed that there would be NO smushing, smearing, etc. We were going to conduct the "feed each other cake" in a civilized and tidy manner befitting what we saw as a spiritually significant event (the wedding). He completely agreed.
The fun tradition of the couple feeding each other the first bites of wedding cake dates back to Ancient Roman times. It symbolizes the couple's first feat together as a unified team. It also shows that you are committed to creating a sweet life together. This bride needs to get a divorce from this creep. It will only get worse.
Wedding Day Assault and Battery seems like an adequate reason to divorce a violent man.
That's exactly what it is. I hope she walked away from him after the reception and went to stay somewhere else or returned to their home and changed the locks.
Load More Replies... That poor bride. Image what she must have felt while being held down in that cake. She already suffered a traumatic accident that caused her to now be claustrophobic. This guy is so disrespectful and insensitive to his bride. Definitely a red flag. An annulment is very fitting. He doesn't deserve her at all. Best wish to the OP.
That was straight up violent. I would do exactly what op is doing - immediate annulment.
This is definitely not funny. He knew before hand how much she didn't want this to happen and he disregarded it anyway. Why do people do this? On the day that supposed to be one of the happiest in your life, and the ONE person you're supposed to trust the most completely ruins it, all for "a laugh". This is sad. I wonder what he has to say about his behavior? Since everyone else in her family has jumped in to give their opinion- what's his reasoning? And this isn't a long term relationship- it's not like they've been married or together for YEARS and this is something she needs to really contemplate before jumping out. Hell, NOW is the time to jump before she's in TOO deep!
Here's the thing, if you tell someone how you do not wish to be treated and they keep doing it anyway. That person does not value your feelings and does not listen. So many bad relationships can be avoided by getting to know who the person really is. That takes time and different interactions. How people deal with things and behave will show over time. I think she is right to call it off. Seeing how she vividly communicated with him how she feels and he intentionally did the opposite for whatever reason. People need to realize how their actions affect others and when you do these things you're accountable and there will be consequences for your actions. I just don't think a lot of people take that seriously now a days. To which I say, don't engage with people like that. Unless you know they see what they did was wrong and are willing to take accountability. If they fight it, run!
Personal experience. That first act of aggression establishes their feeling of superiority. After that, the aggressive behavior turns to mild violence and then worse. She is absolutely right getting out as soon as she recognizes it.
Why did she have to ask him not to rub cake on her face? Is it common?
The tradition is to FEED each other a piece of the cake, not to smash it into someone's face.
Yes it is assault. A divorce or annulment isn't enough. She should report him to the police and change the locks on their house.
Load More Replies... I don't understand how someone can hurt the person they claim to love. I know there are people out there who do it for the power trip, and some have issues that cause them to lash out, but to disrespect your bride when she tells you not to do something, and also humiliate her in front of her wedding guests? That dude is an asshole, and I think the incident was the red flag that broke the camel's back.
I guess if my husband had done that to me at our wedding, I would first of all have returned the favour. "how do you like dem apples, hobbi!". If I didn't think it was funny getting a cake in my face, and was being a total jerk about it "come on it was funny, can't you take a joke?" I would probably also file for divorce. But if he was sincerly sorry when seeing my reaction, I don't think it would have come to a divorce (straight away) .. But she didn't overreact, she reacted, and noone should tell her how she should have behaved...
I would do the same. Maybe not q divorce but a speration yes. Society is always telling women to wait around for 20 years
Nope, divorce. Maybe even annulment. If he disregards her wishes to such an extreme degree on the very first day of their marriage, it's unlikely to get any better.
Load More Replies... I have never witnessed this in real life, but here's Martha Stewart on it: https://www.marthastewart.com/7898539/wedding-cake-smash-history
I was a wedding DJ for many years and saw a lot of this too. I've seen it done playfully, where one starts feeding the other then dot's their nose with the cake. That was fine, I've seen people make a mess of things while the crowd cheered. It was cringy. I did see a few couples that seemed to give it and take it in style and they both had fun with it. That was a mess, but great fun. Everyone was laughing including both the bride and the groom. It was obvious that had both planned for it. That's fine. The point is know who you're marrying and RESPECT them. This bride may have dodges a life long bullet.
I've never understood the 'tradition' of smashing cake in someone's face, especially when it's a couple at their wedding. Okay, so if they both decide they want to do it, then good for them. But if someone explicitly says they don't want that done and then someone else goes out of their way to do it anyways? Fück that person. I wouldn't want to marry anyone who wouldn't listen to what I wanted. This woman is completely right and definitely needs to stay away from anyone who says 'oh, it was just a joke! Forgive him!"
As Mother of the bride I would be bloody furious! Pay fore the cake! Pay for the decoration! and the bastard groom do THAT. The behaviour is insulting all round, to the bride, to the bride's family and all the other guests, If it is a 'tradition": in the USA, then I think the Country is FAR FAR sicker than I ever realised. (NOT to mention that BP cannot spell!!! BP get and English word check!! Please!)
What foo- king tradition????? I would say that the bloke is definitely a sadist and probably worse insanity, Don't get a divorce, Get an annulment
I had the same discussion with my ex. I told him straight up that I found this tradition disrespectful and degrading & if he even tried to shove cake in my face I would file the next day. I still divorced him less than a year later, but it had nothing to do with cake.
The man was violent , disrespctful and not someone you want to be in the same room with. He's dangerous. Anyone who thinks you should stay with him needs to bind themselves until they panic, then have a cake smashed into their face and not be able to breath while someone who loves(?) them holds them down until they cry, then and only then should they be allowed to say stay!
I don't understand this at all. I know how much work my wife did to make and decorate our wedding cake (we were on a tight budget then and did our whole wedding for a few hundred dollars), and we wanted everyone to enjoy a piece of it. And it's just plain disrespectful to the bride to treat her like that.
I bet there are other red flags that she saw even before the wedding and probably she just proceeded with the wedding because of the people around her. And now this happened. I think it is better to separate now while you dont have any kids yet. It will be more complicated if you wait longer.
They were other red flags but she probably didn't see them.
Load More Replies... Run from this dbag as far and fast as you can! Good thing you found out now.
Mens way of secretly saying, "you don't wear the pants" !!! He did that because the narcissist was asked specifically NOT to do that!!
I've always felt that the cake-shoving bit was a deep sign of immaturity and unreadiness for marriage. My brother did it - and his marriage lasted a few years. My bride and I did not, and we're still together at the quarter-century mark.
I don't like this "tradition" at weddings, it's disrespectful and it's just NOT funny. It takes a lot of effort, time, and monetary for brides to get ready. As for OP's situation, she needs to proceed with the annulment ADAP. What he did, in my opinion, was HUGE RED FLAG. He didn't respect her wish and has no problem making a joke at someone's expense. If he can do those things to his new wife/partner, someone whom he loves, I can only imagine how far he'd go with people doesn't care?
But in what culture is it normal for the groom to rub the wedding cake on the bride's face? The bride had even asked him in advance not to do it, so it was "normal" for her to expect such a thing. I've never seen something like this done at a wedding, in my country it would be absurd and unacceptable.
My stomach turned. A red flag indeed.trustbyour own feelings and listen to them, actions always speak louder than words.
I don't blame her. It was a terrible violation of her trust and a clear demonstration that he doesn't care about her feelings and needs. I always thought the ceremony of feeding each other is a beautiful tradition. I totally hate the groom smashing the bride's face into the cake or smearing cake all over the bride's face. It is very immature to say the least. I wonder how a person feels about marriage if they try to turn part of the wedding/ reception into a bad vaudeville act. It also shows a lack of concern about the bride's efforts to look her best and makes a waste of the money spent on makeup, hair styling, wedding dress and the cake.
I hope she is getting the divorce! I wish I had done that immediately and saved myself 6 years of getting up the nerve to leave him.
Don't understand why anyone would want to ruin an expensive cake, makeup, hairstyle, dress etc at all, but doing it when your partner made clear they don't want it is just humiliating and hurting them. Too close to violence and control for me. Divorce and allow him the life consequence of explaining to future partners why his first wife divorced him.
No, I'm sorry but I am on her side. She explicitly asked him not to do that. He disregarded and disrespected her wishes, her and her fears. For what? His 5 seconds of fun? He humiliated and SCARED her! He is a total asshole for doing that. Personally I would probably be too "nice" to divorce him, but good for her to sticking to it!
Has he actually recognised that what he did was wrong and apologised for it?
Is this cake smashing an American thing as I have never seen it at a UK wedding?
While the incidence itself is cause for consideration, thinking beyond, the real question is whether or not, in later years will you feel regret. Will this be the man you really loved, you let get away and didn't give another chance? Or, will he be the bullet you dodged?
I keep thinking he could have accidentally impaled her cheek/ eyes on the dowel rod supports in the cake by slamming her face into it.
OMG, I totally forgot about the dowels! She absolutely could have lost an eye!
This is the first time I'm learning that something like cake smashing is a thing and during A WEDDING to boot, and I'm horrified that she even had to specifically tell him not to do that. I hope she's happily divorced right now and that the cost of the failed wedding was all paid by him.
This post makes me equally sad and angry at the same time! Run OP RUN!!
I've said it once I'll say it again.... Where I'm from you have to mail in the certificate (bottom portion) to be recorded by the courts, which means, if you don't send it in (or hand deliver) it's never recorded. If it's never recorded it never happened. So therefore, if you walked away that day JUST DON'T FILE THE CERT. Second: I can't believe he did this. I too had a Christmas wedding, we ARE the smash cake in faces people BUT we discussed this and I told him absolutely not that day. He was so sweet and gently fed me a small piece. Respect people. Respect. Would I divorce him over it? meh probably not. Would I be pissed? Ya. But that's because I know my husband inside and out, I don't know this guy. If this is a habit of his (attitude not cake smashing) then yea walk away.
I did something similar on a much smaller scale. He and I had only been dating a few months. We were at his dad's cabin for the weekend with his dad, his dad's girlfriend, girlfriend's 14 year old and 14 year old's friend. We were talking, just the two of us about our relationship. He was pretty closed off and I expressed a desire to know how he felt about how things were going. A few minutes later, it was dinner time and he loudly announces that I wanted to know how he "fEeLs" he said he "feels like eating " I was so embarrassed. I considered it a red flag, and a betrayal. I broke up with him that night after dinner.
It's quite boring to have to keep taking the temperature of a relationship especially one so soon into it. I had a boyfriend who kept saying that he thought the relationship wasn't going anywhere. What he meant was that I wasn't giving up enough in my life for him as if I hadn't already given up enough already. He wanted me to move into his street and get rid of most of my possessions on top of giving up friends. I started seeing those friends again.
Load More Replies... That is just the start of it. Get out NOW. He obviously doesn’t care about your feelings and to humiliate you in front of all your guests. Make a list of those who say that you’re making too much of it and blank them. They cannot ever know how you are feeling. I imagine it wouldn’t be too long till the physical abuse starts from this guy if you stay with him. Get out now and life a happy life xxxx
What a crapload of misogynist bullshit. This is a major humiliation of the bride, and absolutely nothing that should have a place in a modern, equitable society. I'm actually shocked that people say it's a tradition. Never heard of it. In Germany, the couple cuts the cake together, and that's it.
I told my soon to be husband that if he smashed cake in my face I would turn around and walk out and I would be getting the marriage annulled. I brought it up because he brought up how funny he thinks it is.
This is how it starts. To show dominance. It follows the same pattern almost every time and is VERY hard to break once it starts. For both partners that is because it quickly turns into a new "normal" as it goes on. It CAN be broken if the person who is abusive want to and really own up to his/her actions but it reality they usually can't/won't. To them that means losing power and that's the opposite of what they want. So they keep excusing their behavior, often putting all blame on the victim and it goes on and gets worse...hopefully OP was able to walk away from this. This type of behavior is never about being "funny" and is no where near an act of love. It's about control, feeling superior and power.
I will admit it was a betrayal of trust, and only she can decide if divorce is right. However, the advice Prudence gave was horrible. Not only did she tell her to divorce him, she also told her to alienate her friends and family by keeping a mental note on who betrayed her by saying she should give him another chance. I know Dear Prudence gives bad advice, but this is the worst.
When did it become a tradition to wreck a cake, ruin make up and possibly ruin a dress? Sounds like a bloody stupid thing to do, born out of the jackass trend of doing dumb things.
I think this must have been the final straw that broke camels back.
Is this a thing in America? It's just...degrading, wasteful, vulgar and not funny.
If you're marrying a narcissist and you are too young to know what that means, which is what I did, you will smile, and try to chuckle, and forgive him as you wipe your face. You will want to cry the rest of the evening and try to put it behind you over the next 2 weeks and try to forget it ever happened. This you will do over and over again for the next 10, maybe 20 years. I did it for 40 years. He passed away 3 years ago and when ever I think about him, which is daily unfortunately, I can't help but wonder about what a good life I might have had with out him.
Yeah, I don't blame her and I admire her for having the courage of her convictions. I do blame her for getting married when her attitude toward the marriage seems to have been "what the hell, why not?"
When my uncle got married 35 years ago, he and his wife playfully bopped a little frosting the other’s nose and laughed about it. How the hell this kind of playful little thing turned into smashing food into someone’s face, or full in assaulting your bride like this clown? Way, way too many people have no respect for the person they’re marrying. I’ve had failed relationships, but they weren’t because we didn’t give a sh*t about respecting each other’s needs and boundaries.
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I doubt she would qualify for an annulment. With a divorce, she'd probably need to have a separation period first. After a couple months apart, she'll know if she wants to give him another chance or if she's happier without him. I think she should go ahead with the separation with the intention of a divorce and if she changes her mind later, they can reconcile.
Yeah ladies. Listen up you should settle for abuse and disrespect. Don't strive for better! Let's just let men be d***s and not demand they be better. Woooooo!
Load More Replies... So not wanting to have your face smashed down into a cake and held there is "nuts"? How so? Are you saying that it's insane to not want to be physically assaulted in front of a whole room full of people? Would it be "nuts" for him to divorce if she'd kicked him in the crotch in front of everyone as a "joke" at their wedding reception?
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