Girlfriend Asks If She’s Wrong To Leave Boyfriend After Learning That He Was Raped, Gets Destroyed With Responses
Young children are incredibly vulnerable to maltreatment. And the terrible experiences stay to haunt them for a very, very long time. So when 20-year-old redditor /u/calinylo00 learned about her boyfriend’s childhood nightmares, she didn’t know how to react. He confessed to her that he was raped as an 11-year-old, and when she took some time to digest this information, she left his apartment. Looking for approval, she asked other reddit users “[Am I the a**hole] for distancing myself from my bf after he admitted he was raped?” To her surprise, she got a unanimous yes. (Facebook cover image: iStock / Sjale)
Image credits: iStock / Marjan_Apostolovic (not the actual photo)
“I’m a 20yo woman currently dating my 24 yo boyfriend of 5 months,” she wrote. “He’s tall, muscular, blonde with blue eyes. He’s also really dominant and works at a startup doing marketing. In general, he’s very smart, funny, yadda yadda you get it. I like him.”
“However, even though our sex life is good he’s been having trouble performing starting a week and a half ago. I thought it was me at first so I asked him and he started to break down a bit before crying. He’s just started seeing a therapist or ‘counselor’ about his childhood.”
“Then he tells me that he was raped as an 11-year-old by his stepbrother, multiple times when he was young. This floored me as up until this point he seemed so macho and sort of like a “tough guy” and nows he’s confessing to being raped by another man while completely being in tears and holding me.”
“I held him back and let him vent but I ended up leaving (we were at his apartment). I completely understand that it’s horrible being a rape victim but honestly, I don’t know if I could see him the same way again. I had this image of him that’s completely shattered and honestly every time I see him text me I just feel weird now.”
“My best friend thinks should try to keep dating him for a bit but I’m really not attracted to him like I was before. We’re not broken up yet but I’m considering it kinda. [Am I the a**hole]?”
Baffled, people tried their best to explain why this whole situation was so, so terrible
“You’re a monster. You’re truly a horrible person and I honestly hope you never find love in your life again. You’re so lucky that you don’t have a single clue on what it’s like to be raped. Your boyfriend, who trusted you enough to show his feelings and confess a secret that’s probably been haunting his dreams and his waking moments for years, is a strong man for living through that. He’s still “macho”. He’s still a “tough guy”. If you see him as a lesser person because of something he couldn’t control, then you make me sick.”
“Rape DESTROYS people. It stays with them, it makes them feel subhuman. How dare you leave a man that honestly deserves so much better than an inhuman psycho like you on his own after he just broke down! He probably feels betrayed and ashamed. Good luck getting him to open up again; you’ve CRUSHED him. You took his heart that he gave to you and crushed it right in front of his goddamn face. Then you just left because boo hoo, he’s somehow “less manly” to your judgmental ass.”
“Shame on you. I’ve witnessed someone have a PTSD episode over someone molesting them. I had to sit there, completely heartbroken and useless, watching her shake and sob and scream, “I CAN FEEL HER TOUCHING ME! SHE’S TOUCHING ME!!” I didn’t want to touch her in case it made it worse. Seeing such a look of pure terror on her face is one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. At that moment she went through unimaginable torture. She was beaten to a pulp, chewed up, and spit out. She was taken back to that horrible place and tortured.”
“That’s what your boyfriend feels. That’s the kind of torture that he faces. And yet through all of it, he’s able to get up and put a smile on his face. Is that not tough? Is that not macho? I doubt someone as horrible as you could go a day without complaining if you chipped a nail.”
“Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame, shame. shame. You’ve disrespected every man who’s ever been raped. You’ve disrespected every rape victim. You’ve disrespected my friends who’ve been raped. I hate you. Go ahead and leave him. He deserves far, far better.”
“It’s hard enough being a rape victim, let alone a male rape victim. Show him these replies to make him see that it wasn’t his fault. Then apologize and leave. Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.”
The United States Department of Health and Human Services states that there were 57,329 children were victims of sexual abuse in 2016. The effects of such abuse often present long-lasting mental health challenges. For example, a study of women found out that victims of rape are about 4 times more likely to develop symptoms of drug abuse, about 4 times more likely to experience PTSD, and about 3 times more likely to experience a major depressive episode.
The woman thought she’d make her case stronger by replying to some of the comments, but it got worse with every message
Soon, everyone started sharing their thoughts
Sadly, this proves that there are females who get brainwashed by toxic masculinity as well. I didn't read all the comments above, so sorry if this repeats something already said, but what an awful attitude to have to a man brave enough and feeling safe enough to be able to talk about something so painful. I hope he isn't harmed further by her and continues to recover.
I was 23, a little older than this woman, when a bf confessed he was repeatedly raped by a teenage neighbor as a boy. I felt only complete and utter sympathy, cried tears with him, and feel compassion for him to this day. The only way my feelings changed, was that I loved him more deeply and empathetically. This Reddit writer is a weak, sad sack of a woman. Side note: I dated for 15 more years until I met my husband, and during that time had two additional bfs confess to abuse as children. Perhaps it is not as rare as the Reddit writer believes.
In her case I think it's that she's a toxic person, gender aside.
"seeing him cry excessively" [as he confides about being raped as an 11 year old ] How are tears about the rape of a child excessive? Why is he not allowed to cry for himself? Toxic girl is the posterchild of women perpetuating toxic masculinity.
Well said.
It's a double dose, he's trapped by it and so is she with her comments on his physicality and the way he works out. He needs to get help and dump her.
Sounds like she could do with some help too! 11 yrs old is a CHILD! A child, no matter what he is now! Girl or boy, that's a child! And assaulted by a member of his own family! Aargh!
It says he has just begun therapy. I really hope it helps him overcome his demons - because he sure as hell will think more than twice about opening up in his next relationship.
Yup, the emotional standards men are held to by our culture end up being so damaging for men and boys like this. They suffer in silence because that's what is demanded of them.
This has nothing to do with "toxic masculinity". This is pure female selfishness.
It's pretty simple. She's into blokey blokes who don't show their emotions (unless they're yelling at the footy probably). I don't think it's about the rape specifically, it's about her not being able to deal with seeing real emotion come from him.
It is totally about her. She wants someone to look after her and be a masculine figurehead. She doesn't want a real person.
This is toxic-femininity. The entitlement based inability of most women to recognize that men have troubles and emotions because of their self-serving, and self centered, attitudes. Women, such as yourself, in their never ending quest to be victims of the highest stature will victim blame and excuse their own misandry as the fault of men. “World Ending - Women most effected” 🤡 🌎
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Laugh Fan is trying to say that this is an example of toxic femininity. And I agree!
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Makes this about toxic men... Sweetheart, its not masculinity. Its Psychotic behavior, and men are not alone in that neither is the modern patriarch myth. Watch "Red pill the movie" and come back.
FFS no-one made this about ‘toxic men’. Your reading comprehension sucks or you really don't understand what toxic masculinity means. There is a culture which is toxic TO men. HARMFUL. It doesn't mean men are toxic! The reverse in fact. It is about behaviour learned in childhood - taught by their parents usually. It's the idea that men should have to suppress emotions and hide pain or act tough when they don't want to. Not that they can’t be tough or display any other masculine attribute. It's not insulting men. People who recognise what toxic masculinity truly means want to help men who feel that they need to hide part of themselves to fit into some ideal of what being male means. This woman starts off by explaining this man is ‘dominant’. She talks about how he is ‘tall and muscular’. Then she is ‘shattered’ by his rape when he finally trusts her enough to open up. SHE is toxic in her understanding of masculinity. No-one is blaming men here or considers them toxic.
"Sweetheart..." Really??? Have to be patronising do you? Alongside not understanding what toxic masculinity is? How about you go and do some reading on the subject and come back.
Warlord DK. Not once do I say men are toxic. There is a culture that tells us, both men AND women, that men shouldn’t cry, shouldn’t show emotion. That men have to be tough. That is toxic masculinity. Expectations that men have to be the provider, the rescuer. Last off the sinking ship. It does not malign men at all. The concerns about toxic masculinity go very neatly alongside the messages in Red Pill - there is no conflict. It is said in the film that 'we are living a ‘blue pill’ life and forced to carry out the traditional sex roles'. Yet we all pretty much want the same thing; freedom of choice, to not be forced to be something we are not, to be able to express our true emotions without fear of ridicule. To just be people. How does wanting men to be free of toxic messages around what it is to be masculine disagree with the views in Red Pill? There is obviously a lot more to it than I can go into here as there isn't much room within one BP comment.
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i was waiting for someone to blame toxic masculinity for this, men just can't get a break sometimes
Way to misunderstand the issue. Not a single man has been blamed here. A culture is being blamed. Men should be able to admit to something awful without someone judging them as being weak. Admitting something bad happened is a strong thing to do. There is no criticism of men here at all.
Explain how this is men not getting a break? Do you understand what toxic masculinity means or do you just think it's people thinking men are toxic? HINT: It is not the latter.
That isn't about men. Toxic masculinity is a way of bringing up children by either parent. It's an attitude or belief that men can't feel pain and so much more. It doesn't make men at fault - women bring up children too.
That doesn't make it men's fault. This is the woman suffering from toxic masculinity. She might have been brought up that way by her mother. No one is blaming men.
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you mean women brainwashed by feminism. Fuck off of masculinity. Its never "toxic", no matter what ideology you push. "Toxic masculinity" is, really, feminism - because that is what its follower scream left and right. That woman is literally THE face of modern male-hate of feminism.
Morons don’t even know what feminism is, it’s about equality for both men and women, but idiots like you continue to peddle it as man hating. This women isn’t a feminist in any shape or form. Toxic masculinity is what you hold you fucking idiot. You littrally as bad as this vile disgusting women who lacks the capacity for empathy.
Wow. You sound like such a kind, compassionate human being.
This IS feminism indeed. However, toxic masculinity DOES exist. You cannot deny by saying it is never toxic. It does not always come from women, thus we cannot say it is always feminism stuff. It may comes from father, brother, male friends who keep saying man cannot express their feeling.
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You're going to get down-voted into oblivion - this site is teeming with women and white knights.
If anything, my boyfriend opening up to me about something so horrific would make me respect and treasure him even more. That is a terrible thing to go through, let alone talk about for this reason alone! Men have feelings and deserve to be heard too. I hope this guy finds peace without this selfish person in his life.
Yes, I would think he was more "masculine"(I don't really like that word) if he was strong enough to tell me about this!
what a cunt, honestly.
One upside about that thing - he's going to better off without her. Pity that's also going to have another traumatic experience like his partner rejecting him because of something that wasn't his fault.
I was thinking exactly this as well.
That is so true, MagNat, she added herself to the issues he has to handel. She continues the chain of abuse by treating him this way. Hopefully he does leave her, because, unfortunately, staying in toxic relationships is another pattern that victims sometimes fall into.
I wonder what she would have to say if it was the other way round? If it had been something similarly distressing from her own childhood she finally opened about because she trusted him. Then the guy she assumed loved her - just dumped her becase she was not the same person to him any more. It's just sad.
Don't know that I'd agree with that, cunts are actually quite useful and appreciated by many. She is however a vacuous bitch who needs to grow up and spend some time developing her empathy muscles
People who use the word "cunt" aren't all that wonderful either. It is a nasty, misogynistic word.
There is nothing misogynistic about the word, it's commonly used for people that behave badly from both sexes, much like the words Dick, Cock, Arsehole, Prick etc.
You say that as though that thing that backstabbed him is even a person
Yep, total cunt.
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Why? You can't help what makes you see someone in a different light. If she no longer sees him as what she perceived before, then it's on her but it's a visceral thing. She's not becoming less attracted to him on purpose, it's just something that happened. If that's how she feels, it's how she feels. Why is she as asshole for having a gut feeling? Please explain how she's a cunt. It's unfortunate, but she's just being honest about how she feels.
Read about Emotional Intelligence if you genuinely do want more information. Emotional Intelligence is a social skill that can help a person become more aware and tactful, more understanding, better at handling their own emotions as well as the emotions of others. Benefits of emotional intelligence include, but are not limited to, improvements in coping, well-being, relationship satisfaction, and resilience.
Yo get ready for a whole lot of downvotes because people (including me) aren't going to like that
Full name, there is something inherently wrong with her character for that kind of reaction. That, or she's incredibly immature, in every sense possible, and should reconsider relationships all together.
Sadly, this proves that there are females who get brainwashed by toxic masculinity as well. I didn't read all the comments above, so sorry if this repeats something already said, but what an awful attitude to have to a man brave enough and feeling safe enough to be able to talk about something so painful. I hope he isn't harmed further by her and continues to recover.
I was 23, a little older than this woman, when a bf confessed he was repeatedly raped by a teenage neighbor as a boy. I felt only complete and utter sympathy, cried tears with him, and feel compassion for him to this day. The only way my feelings changed, was that I loved him more deeply and empathetically. This Reddit writer is a weak, sad sack of a woman. Side note: I dated for 15 more years until I met my husband, and during that time had two additional bfs confess to abuse as children. Perhaps it is not as rare as the Reddit writer believes.
In her case I think it's that she's a toxic person, gender aside.
"seeing him cry excessively" [as he confides about being raped as an 11 year old ] How are tears about the rape of a child excessive? Why is he not allowed to cry for himself? Toxic girl is the posterchild of women perpetuating toxic masculinity.
Well said.
It's a double dose, he's trapped by it and so is she with her comments on his physicality and the way he works out. He needs to get help and dump her.
Sounds like she could do with some help too! 11 yrs old is a CHILD! A child, no matter what he is now! Girl or boy, that's a child! And assaulted by a member of his own family! Aargh!
It says he has just begun therapy. I really hope it helps him overcome his demons - because he sure as hell will think more than twice about opening up in his next relationship.
Yup, the emotional standards men are held to by our culture end up being so damaging for men and boys like this. They suffer in silence because that's what is demanded of them.
This has nothing to do with "toxic masculinity". This is pure female selfishness.
It's pretty simple. She's into blokey blokes who don't show their emotions (unless they're yelling at the footy probably). I don't think it's about the rape specifically, it's about her not being able to deal with seeing real emotion come from him.
It is totally about her. She wants someone to look after her and be a masculine figurehead. She doesn't want a real person.
This is toxic-femininity. The entitlement based inability of most women to recognize that men have troubles and emotions because of their self-serving, and self centered, attitudes. Women, such as yourself, in their never ending quest to be victims of the highest stature will victim blame and excuse their own misandry as the fault of men. “World Ending - Women most effected” 🤡 🌎
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Laugh Fan is trying to say that this is an example of toxic femininity. And I agree!
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Makes this about toxic men... Sweetheart, its not masculinity. Its Psychotic behavior, and men are not alone in that neither is the modern patriarch myth. Watch "Red pill the movie" and come back.
FFS no-one made this about ‘toxic men’. Your reading comprehension sucks or you really don't understand what toxic masculinity means. There is a culture which is toxic TO men. HARMFUL. It doesn't mean men are toxic! The reverse in fact. It is about behaviour learned in childhood - taught by their parents usually. It's the idea that men should have to suppress emotions and hide pain or act tough when they don't want to. Not that they can’t be tough or display any other masculine attribute. It's not insulting men. People who recognise what toxic masculinity truly means want to help men who feel that they need to hide part of themselves to fit into some ideal of what being male means. This woman starts off by explaining this man is ‘dominant’. She talks about how he is ‘tall and muscular’. Then she is ‘shattered’ by his rape when he finally trusts her enough to open up. SHE is toxic in her understanding of masculinity. No-one is blaming men here or considers them toxic.
"Sweetheart..." Really??? Have to be patronising do you? Alongside not understanding what toxic masculinity is? How about you go and do some reading on the subject and come back.
Warlord DK. Not once do I say men are toxic. There is a culture that tells us, both men AND women, that men shouldn’t cry, shouldn’t show emotion. That men have to be tough. That is toxic masculinity. Expectations that men have to be the provider, the rescuer. Last off the sinking ship. It does not malign men at all. The concerns about toxic masculinity go very neatly alongside the messages in Red Pill - there is no conflict. It is said in the film that 'we are living a ‘blue pill’ life and forced to carry out the traditional sex roles'. Yet we all pretty much want the same thing; freedom of choice, to not be forced to be something we are not, to be able to express our true emotions without fear of ridicule. To just be people. How does wanting men to be free of toxic messages around what it is to be masculine disagree with the views in Red Pill? There is obviously a lot more to it than I can go into here as there isn't much room within one BP comment.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
i was waiting for someone to blame toxic masculinity for this, men just can't get a break sometimes
Way to misunderstand the issue. Not a single man has been blamed here. A culture is being blamed. Men should be able to admit to something awful without someone judging them as being weak. Admitting something bad happened is a strong thing to do. There is no criticism of men here at all.
Explain how this is men not getting a break? Do you understand what toxic masculinity means or do you just think it's people thinking men are toxic? HINT: It is not the latter.
That isn't about men. Toxic masculinity is a way of bringing up children by either parent. It's an attitude or belief that men can't feel pain and so much more. It doesn't make men at fault - women bring up children too.
That doesn't make it men's fault. This is the woman suffering from toxic masculinity. She might have been brought up that way by her mother. No one is blaming men.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
you mean women brainwashed by feminism. Fuck off of masculinity. Its never "toxic", no matter what ideology you push. "Toxic masculinity" is, really, feminism - because that is what its follower scream left and right. That woman is literally THE face of modern male-hate of feminism.
Morons don’t even know what feminism is, it’s about equality for both men and women, but idiots like you continue to peddle it as man hating. This women isn’t a feminist in any shape or form. Toxic masculinity is what you hold you fucking idiot. You littrally as bad as this vile disgusting women who lacks the capacity for empathy.
Wow. You sound like such a kind, compassionate human being.
This IS feminism indeed. However, toxic masculinity DOES exist. You cannot deny by saying it is never toxic. It does not always come from women, thus we cannot say it is always feminism stuff. It may comes from father, brother, male friends who keep saying man cannot express their feeling.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
You're going to get down-voted into oblivion - this site is teeming with women and white knights.
If anything, my boyfriend opening up to me about something so horrific would make me respect and treasure him even more. That is a terrible thing to go through, let alone talk about for this reason alone! Men have feelings and deserve to be heard too. I hope this guy finds peace without this selfish person in his life.
Yes, I would think he was more "masculine"(I don't really like that word) if he was strong enough to tell me about this!
what a cunt, honestly.
One upside about that thing - he's going to better off without her. Pity that's also going to have another traumatic experience like his partner rejecting him because of something that wasn't his fault.
I was thinking exactly this as well.
That is so true, MagNat, she added herself to the issues he has to handel. She continues the chain of abuse by treating him this way. Hopefully he does leave her, because, unfortunately, staying in toxic relationships is another pattern that victims sometimes fall into.
I wonder what she would have to say if it was the other way round? If it had been something similarly distressing from her own childhood she finally opened about because she trusted him. Then the guy she assumed loved her - just dumped her becase she was not the same person to him any more. It's just sad.
Don't know that I'd agree with that, cunts are actually quite useful and appreciated by many. She is however a vacuous bitch who needs to grow up and spend some time developing her empathy muscles
People who use the word "cunt" aren't all that wonderful either. It is a nasty, misogynistic word.
There is nothing misogynistic about the word, it's commonly used for people that behave badly from both sexes, much like the words Dick, Cock, Arsehole, Prick etc.
You say that as though that thing that backstabbed him is even a person
Yep, total cunt.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Why? You can't help what makes you see someone in a different light. If she no longer sees him as what she perceived before, then it's on her but it's a visceral thing. She's not becoming less attracted to him on purpose, it's just something that happened. If that's how she feels, it's how she feels. Why is she as asshole for having a gut feeling? Please explain how she's a cunt. It's unfortunate, but she's just being honest about how she feels.
Read about Emotional Intelligence if you genuinely do want more information. Emotional Intelligence is a social skill that can help a person become more aware and tactful, more understanding, better at handling their own emotions as well as the emotions of others. Benefits of emotional intelligence include, but are not limited to, improvements in coping, well-being, relationship satisfaction, and resilience.
Yo get ready for a whole lot of downvotes because people (including me) aren't going to like that
Full name, there is something inherently wrong with her character for that kind of reaction. That, or she's incredibly immature, in every sense possible, and should reconsider relationships all together.