Ah, the Christmas family dinner. Everything smells like gingerbread cookies, there’s a fireplace radiating that feel-good warmth and a dozen dishes ready to stuff you like a Thanksgiving turkey. What can go wrong?
For many of us, dinner at the partner’s parents’ household is a real trial by fire. No matter how pretty you look or that you have better table manners than Queen Elizabeth herself (four kinds of spoons? No problem!), there will always be something that you won’t be prepared for.
As the user TheOA12345 shares in her story full of plot twists, everything seemed perfectly fine and her first Christmas dinner with her boyfriend’s parents – a very important first – okay until it suddenly wasn’t.
Raised to eat as much as your belly can fill not to disrespect the host, the author of the story filled her plate, had a second when prompted by the hostess. How then can you say no to a cup of coffee and a slice of cheesecake too, right?
Catching a fishy look from her significant other during dinner, getting shouted at and even called fat for not having any manners was far from how the author envisioned finishing this special night. Yet, little did she know Arabian dining etiquette is quite peculiar to what one is used to. Did you know going to guests’ house on an empty stomach is a sign of disrespect in Arab culture? Well, we did not. Nor did the author of the story who wasn’t forewarned about any of this and then blamed for her lack of common knowledge.
As in most thorny and complicated ‘Am I The A-Hole’ cases worthy of Dr. Phil‘s expertise, the woman turned to the trusted subreddit to see if her accidental misappreciation of her partner’s culture was really what set the things off. So buckle up, readers, and scroll down to read the story in full.
After their first Christmas dinner together, girlfriend is suddenly blamed by her partner for not having any table manners
Image credits: Jay Wennington (not the actual photo)
Here’s how the whole story goes
Image credits: TheOA12345
The general consensus was pretty (and rightfully) one-sided
Some users even called on boyfriend’s bluff
Believe it or not, once again the good ol’ Reddit helped to save the day. A week later after her original post, the author, receiving almost 4 thousand suggestions and opinions, decided to give some of them a go and wrote a follow-up story.
After a few quick messages, she finally caught up with his lies — the tables have been turned. Turns out, the whole fiasco was the fault of getting lost in translation (he did not want to call her “fat”, only “greedy” if that’s any better) and her partner’s touching cover-up mission. His dear folks, it appears, have some financial issues and he only wanted not to share the burden of his family’s difficult situation. Especially before their first Christmas dinner together.
Intention – great. Execution? Not so much.
After a weeklong radio silence, author posted an update of her story
After getting the evidence she needed, it was time to see what her boyfriend has to say about it
Image credits: TheOA12345
The hatched was buried and apologies made, but many users simply don’t buy it
I don't believe a word that boyfriend has said. Taking a little bit more pasta and a slice of cake will not make the parents starve. He wants to control her. It's that simple. What she eats, how much she eats. How she should act, how she should look (not "fat"). He's an idiot. And if he's so worried about them, why not have them over for dinner at his place for the weekends? Nah, he wants to control her.
Yep he definitely is a lying controlling manipulator. I'm sure he's done this before but she chose to ignore it bc he didn't get as mad as he did this time.
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Arab culture demands taking care of the parents. If the parents dont have enough food or money u naturally provide for them. Anything else is not acceptable. That guy is full of bullshit. He is afraid she might gain weight and wants to control her.
Well your also not allowed to eat too much either, eating too little isn't allowed either thought
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Did anyone else feel like before the update of the "real" reasons, that he was "equally" disrespectful of HER culture. Being Mexican (or really any latino background) we all know our parents and especially our Abuelas would freak out if we ate so little when they prepared so much. My Abuela (bless her) would complain I was too "skinny" and I needed to eat more. When I invited my now husband to eat with us when my Abuela cooked, he thought he was going to pop afterwards because she kept insisting he eat more. I can only imagine what she'd say if he turned her down. He'd leave and she be like "He doesn't like my cooking? He doesn't like food? Was it too spicy?" Etc etc. Actually, that's also true of any Jewish Mom/Grandma, Italian Mom/Grandma, that I have ever encountered. No way could I have ever left any of their houses eating like a bird. So unless they were in HIS part of the world I would think it would be more "known" that you eat and eat a lot out of politeness.
Also what is it with people lately assuming their bf/gf should read their minds? I mean it's not like we are talking about a decade together and you probably should have know these "rules." It's always a few months to a year and meeting people for the first time and then getting slammed for not KNOWING the "rules."
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That's what I think too. That he's trying to control how much food she eats. Being married into a Latino family, my husband prides himself on my weight GAIN. I was only 115 lbs when we met (5'8") and I'm now 140 lbs and he's always telling people "see?? I did that!!" They (or he and his brothers and cousins) all like curvy women. I found out after we married that my own husband always thought I was too little. I'm def not anymore though!!
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So it wasn't cultural. he just lied his face off and yelled at her because he was too embarrassed to mention the fact his parents were not rolling in money. This makes him MORE of a douche not less.
If all the posts about Arab/Islamic families giving extra food to neighbours etc during their festivities (Eid? Sorry if I have this wrong) than I'm pretty sure op's boyfriends family isn't the cultural norm... ?
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm under the impression that Arab/Islamic culture places great value on being a generous host, and that a good guest will eat and be grateful for the hospitality. So there's definitely cause for worry with his behavior, mostly with the fact that he got angry and punished her for something he didn't explain beforehand. That's a way to make someone extremely insecure and to second-guess their every move.
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Even if boyfriend apologized afterwards, he is still a jerk. If it was cultural norm, he should tell her before the dinner, and if his parents not doing well financially, he should still tell her. It's not like OP would go and tell everyone. He's also a liar, first he told his girfriend that his mom was mad at supposed lack of table manners and then told her that his mom was happy OP liked her food.
My bf is arab. So many of my friends and ex-partners are arab. He is the one that is embarrassed, not the family, guaranteed. In fact, Arab culture is very similar to Slavic culture (my family). They stuff us with food until we want to throw up. If you don't eat until you drop, they ask you 'vat is wrong. You too skinny, eat more, more food.' He's just a d**k and thinks you're fat. Drop him.
Ooooh red flags all over this one. Even if the story about the parents not doing so well financially is true, the getting super angry and lying about what his mother said over something OP could never have known is super manipulative. How are you ever going to believe what he says again? And also he lied using his "culture" as an excuse when it wasn't even a cultural thing. Plus add in that he's trying to create bad blood between his gf and mother. So bad, so very very bad. This is an abusive relationship waiting to happen.
Dump the idiot as soon as possible and it has nothing to do with the culture he comes from. He basically sounds like a total d.
So basically he lied to control how she ate and said some racist and gross shît about his own culture just to control her. He lied about his own race and culture, he’s 1,000% lying about the financial situation too and she believed it so easily. 🤡 🤡
I’m glad I read the whole story. My husband is Arab and when I visit his family they keep on feeding you until you tell them stop. They’ll sit and watch what you eat more of and offer you that just to be a good host. However know of their financial situation he should have had a talk earlier and told her to not eat a lot. No ones a mind reader. Either way she is NTA and the boyfriend is for not being more forthcoming
If some cultural belief is well known then you wouldnt need to state in the beginning "In my culture..." Aside from the fact her BF straight up lied and gaslit her over something simple what couldve been avoided with a slight heads up. HUGE RED FLAGS. This was just a dinner. How're things going to be with him for actually important things?
We don't automatically know the other person's culture... and there are q lot of young men like that. On the surface they seem like nice modern gentlemen and underneath they're lying spoiled narcissists and they hide behind their "culture."
Some things to know when dining with an Arabic family: 1} Always, always use your right hand to pass , reach or eat. The left hand is considered unclean. 2} A spoon is the utensil of choice, so eat with your spoon. If you can't, again, place the spoon down and using your right hand, pick up your fork. ALWAYS your right hand. 3} never ever point the soles of your shoes at anyone. 4} Do not eat everything on your plate. Leave a small amount behind, but not a lot as it might be mistaken for that you didn't like the food. That being said......these people are jerks. Your BF is a jerk. it's almost taunting you to offer you a second helping. This shows me they know YOU don't know the "rules" and they know how things work with non-Arabic people. We eat. We have 2nds. We eat dessert even thou we are stuffed. Then they gossip about you and call you fat? So you have your BF and his whole family mocking you for not being "them". run. Really.
Sounds like a lotta hassle and that goes for any culture that has that many rules for just freaking eating, go date finger food dudes who don't mind bbq sauce everywhere lol, also avoid people who eat pizza with a knife and fork, huge red flag, very a**l retentive :))
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I'm trying to remember of any place where I've been more overfed than in Arab households... Northern Italy over Christmas possibly, but nowhere routinely as relentlessly stuffed as Syria and Morocco.
I have been a guest in an Arab home (in Kuwait), many times. I can tell you that the culture there, is that you WILL be taking that second helping, and you WILL be getting dessert, and you WILL be getting coffee after the meal. It was considered rude for me not to accept. I cannot believe this is the cultural norm.
My two cents, if the boyfriend's parents are having money issues (we all understand that) why didn't the boyfriend give his parents extra money beforehand. He knew that he was bringing her along and there would be an extra mouth. She needs to watch herself with dude, he has snake like qualities. Apology to the snake.
You can offend an Arabic hostess by eating to little, but never by eating too much. And there is no way Arabic parents would refuse help from their children - which are expected to take care of their parents. Why the hell isn't thee son providing them with food?? The guy is just a jerk.
You could help your boyfriends mother without her knowing. Tell her that your trying to learn how to cook some of his favorite foods and you would really like her help. Ask her what to buy. If she insists on getting it, tell her that you want to buy the stuff to make sure you are shopping correctly for what you need. Then have her demo her cooking techniques, but only take a plate home to your boyfriend leaving the rest behind for her to enjoy as a "thank you" for teaching you. So what if you already know how to cook certain things. It's an undercover and non-embarrassing way of helping them out.
I haven't traveled the world, but to me, OP's behavior sounds like in the range of normal for any culture. At a party or holiday dinner, you eat food. The boyfriend spun this off into some whole new weird level of reading way too far into her actions. That being said, the idea that his parents are so poor that OP eating seconds of pasta salad could have an affect on them is so sad, it brings me to tears. I hope he's lying, but even if he's not, there's still poverty in the world and it's horrible. We have to do something.
Telling anyone that their mother will be offended if you seem to enjoy their food is a real red flag. I would love to know what culture actually feels that way because I was very thin when I was younger and every person's mom, friend or boyfriend, seemed to think it was their personal calling to fatten me up. Feeding is so often a form of mom love. I do it, too.
I've lived in Egypt and had a bunch of Arab friends/colleagues all along my life and I've never heard something like that. In my experience Arab people pride themselves in offering lots of great food to their guests. They can even get offended if you bring something to eat or drink at it could be interpreted as a sign that you fear they cannot provide. I think the BF is just a manipulative liar and control freak....
the moment it was mentioned that the guy is arabic, and that she was told "it's common knowledge"... well, it's NOT. i assume they're not in an arabian land so the western etiquette is fine and unless you're told prior the event to follow rules of a different culture, there shouldn't be any complaints. i remember at my military guide about muslim habits, and there are a bunch of things that are strange to us. you can easily offend these people.
As someone who is multicultural and a minority in the country I live in, if there are such cultural rules I always explain to friends beforehand. In general however, if someone who is not familiar with our traditions and "breaks" them, we are more than aware that this person doesn't have and won't understand these things and there is no judgement on the person at all, we understand everyone is raised different and has different traditions, we wouldn't bat an eye at all.
I've worked, shared meals, and lived with Arab/Middle Eastern friends and colleagues. It is customary to not let guests be left with an empty plate. As long as you leave a little food on the plate it's fine. The host will ask if you want more if you have an empty plate. But a host must never complain that a guest eats too much. This is considered uncultured and terrible form.
I can understand a cultural mistake. I nearly made one when a Chinese family offered me food, but I turned it down since I had already eaten, they offered again the next day and I agreed to some amazing soup. Apparently when we looked up their regional customs, and it was tradition to refuse a gift up to three times before taking it, to show the giver you were a humble person who would not take advantage of others. They were so sweet and I fully showed my gratefulness and complemented the wonderful gift.
You're not a mindreader, if he didn't explain his family's situation to you so you'd have a smaller plate then that's his fault. He gaslit and disrespected you, even used his mother as a fake excuse. Run from this little boy of a man, he's not ready to grow up.
How F ing stupid anyway to be a good hostess by offering but also being a good guest by declining said offer.... wtf
As someone who isn't a dainty salad eating person, in my experience most people are absolutely delighted when they invite you to their home for food and you ask, or they offer you extra, the feel so appreciative, and what is this nonsense about eating what other people want you to eat, and how much, especially when dating, i say when you go on a date with someone, order the messiest, finger food and sauce drenched thing on the menu, my personal favourite is ribs, if you can't handle me tearing off chucks of ribs with bbq sauce on my hands and around my mouth, we're not gonna work out,
then you want to touch your parner with your dirty hand? I'd skip that. beside that, you can eat ribs without making a mess.
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He did it to you in a 7 months relationship? In a trivial question like... Food? Just try to figure how he'll treat you if you get married. SPOILER ALERT:no, he'll not get better because of you. Think about it.
NTA but I think it would be better if you had discussed beforehand what cultural rules apply with diner. If it was the other way around, and he was eating at your parents, you would have called him impolite because he would refuse food. With mixed cultural relationships, ALWAYS discuss food etiquette before diner at the parents. Also if there are huge economic /social differences between families.
My friend group is very diverse and whenever we do something like this where our families merge or cultures merge I always let my friends know of my culture norms and they do the same as to not offend. So the fact that he did not explain this beforehand knowing they aren't from the same culture is rude to begin with. How can you expect a person to just know this s**t without every explaining it. Also, how entitled are you that you think your SO should put their own culture aside for your own as if it's common knowledge... like "oh you're Mexican, you've never been to a dinner with my family who isn't Mexican but you should know what my culture is all about even though I have zero respect or knowledge for yours!" Nope. Girl bye. Let him go.
People do and say things in the heat of the moment, rationale is gone. He did have a lot of time to think about it, and he seemed to understand that he had made her upset (but being upset himself prevented him from reaching that conclusion). This is not a lost cause, he spoke to her about it, explained it. And the word "fat" I think he meant gluttonous probably. She filled her first plate more then she usually does, then she had extra. The boyfriend couldn't tell her about it at that time because he would shame his parents (he waited till they were gone, didn't confront her in front of the family), but by having to keep it in it builds up inside. And it is probably mixed with worry for his parents but also guilt from his part that his parents are too proud to let people know they don't have much.
Only someone who is a desperate doormat and a glutton for punishment would try to salvage this relationship
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Leave while you can. More cultural difference will arise after you have kids and it might be to late to leave then.
Cultural difference is a good thing. Not everyone has kids and it’s gross to assume something like that. You can split after having kids.
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I would consider it standard level consideration to look up the bare basic manners of a different culture before interacting with that culture. So she should have had some idea of Arab table manners and attitudes towards hosting long, long before this dinner. Her boyfriend hiding his parents' financial status and reacting defensively means he's either lying, or he views her as an outsider he can't tell family information to. My last thought is that the boyfriend is now going to have a terrible time explaining to his mother why he told his girlfriend all this bogus "etiquette" and lied about his parents thinking she was a greedy slob. And he isn't going to want to say "because I think you're too poor to afford food" (if that's true), and when he eventually does, it will be a mess with his mom. I predict that he will take out his frustrations from this impending family argument on the poster, and blame her for all of it.
I am usually absolutely delighted if my guests finish all the food I make and still ask for more. How is this disrespectful for any culture? And I am Asian just like him !!
it would be good manners for her to send the hostess a thank you card with a note a compliment about her cooking. This boyfriend is grooming his date to reject his mother. guys like this cause dysfunctional in-law relationships. If she hoping to marry, she could keep dating, this guys way to much work.
send the hostess flowers thanking her for the lovely Christmas dinner, it was so good you could have eaten three plates full.
I recognize the pattern. It's just a question of time before he's slapping you. No deseas tonta. Tienes que amarte a tu misma y encontrarte la persona adecuada. Id much rather spend Christmas with a Mexican family.
Your boyfriend is an a**hole. By the way. There are many countries that speak Arabic. 25 to be precise. So calling your boyfriend an Arab is like saying you're Anglo. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? And christmas isn't an Arab thing. Except when you're talking about Christian Arabs. There are plenty but the vast majority are Muslims. And let's face it, the authority on Christmas is best held by Christians. It was YOUR Christmas too. He is rude and his family are rude. They made no allowance for the fact that you were culturally different. Trust me, they'll expect total obedience once you're married. You'll have to dress appropriately, talk appropriately and fart appropriately. Run! Seriously, they put you on a platform and judged you. NOW YOU do the judging.
Where I'm from, it can be viewed as greedy and rude to eat a lot in other people's homes especially when you're not close. I believe it all actually happened the way OP said it did. In many cultures what's known as "saving face" or maintaining a facade that everything's fine is important. In these cases telling a 7mth gf that the finances are so bad that food could be a worry would be betraying his parents' confidence and embarrass them needlessly. And since she doesn't usually eat much, he doesn't forsee a problem. One practice is to never show up empty handed when you know you're having a meal in someone's house. Bring a hostess gift or dish to share at the meal is a good way of saying "I'm not coming as a freeloader to your home". It's red flag though the way he flat out lied to her about why he was angry and maintained that for days until confronted with evidence. The way it all want down says a lot about the size of his ego and the way he thinks.
Whatever you do, he has a different story, where he's the victim , or the family, and you're the one that should be ashamed, self-censored, etc. Girl, it's one of the diagnosing criteria for the narcissique pervert. He'll destroy you. Go away from him. Now!
RUN, GIRL Why should his family's manners and culture be more valuable than yours??? Leave them, go away, you deserve someone who respects you and your background
Can it be that this is about americans or happening in america and there people have apsolutely no table manners? The story she told about her mom can make sense when you are a child. But stuffing your face like there is no tomorrow...yeah,I. Europe that would look really weird,at least in countries like germany Norway Sweden... Although people here are becoming also more and more obese so I guess it could be going down the drain... in serbia where I am from I dont see this at all as bad manners. We love maki g 10 dishes or more for new years or christmas... and we love eating like crazy..but then on the other hand we are for some reason not overweight at all so it kind of balances out... yes the point is that if you eat like that all the time it means you have a lack of boundaries,and for religious people that is considered a sin...maybe that's why the muslim people also didnt oke it...
Oh no.. He's a big liar who just will continue to put you down and trying to control you. His behaviour towards you is terrible. Grown up man should handle things differently.
He sounds like a liar or you are which is very likely this story is complete crap as a lot of the facts don't line up ..we left in seperate cars from my parents to him ..u were at his parents not yours ..there's so many facts that don't add up in this story either he's a peice of s**t liar or you are..but even without the lies he's clearly a peice of s**t u can do better without trying
NTA-Clearly neither side knew about the other's cultural differences surrounding amounts eaten at meals. A discussion about it would have helped. He really should have given her a heads-up before they went to his family's house. How was she to know she was going against their culture's portion ethics since they kept offering her food?? He needs to know that calling her fat is also rude and unacceptable!
Navigating cultural differences can be a nightmare. My dad travels around the world for business and he literally had a list at one point of what was expected of him. Some cultures it is rude to the host to not eat everything on your plate, in others it's rude not to leave a small amount. This argument could be about anything though, it's a lack of communication about what each expects of the other. I'm glad they got it worked out in the end.
Sorry for the ot but I first thought this would be the AITA story where the girlfriend eats the boyfriend's poor grandma's food for the next week because she didn't know that the leftovers are all that grandma has to eat due to being poor but still wanting to feed the family a lovely Christmas meal.
His lie about his mother being offended is a big red flag. On the other hand, he apologized. I'm on the fence here, in part because I don't know if he's young and in need of growing up or if he's in the habit of lying. She added that she's taking the relationship slow and easy, so it sounds as if he's on probation.
"Some cultures should never meet," or maybe the cultures can meet with open minds, ready to learn about each other, respect each other, and find common ground.
Load More Replies... No it isn’t. The key is not being a liar. The door is being a normal person.
Load More Replies... I don't believe a word that boyfriend has said. Taking a little bit more pasta and a slice of cake will not make the parents starve. He wants to control her. It's that simple. What she eats, how much she eats. How she should act, how she should look (not "fat"). He's an idiot. And if he's so worried about them, why not have them over for dinner at his place for the weekends? Nah, he wants to control her.
Yep he definitely is a lying controlling manipulator. I'm sure he's done this before but she chose to ignore it bc he didn't get as mad as he did this time.
Load More Replies... Arab culture demands taking care of the parents. If the parents dont have enough food or money u naturally provide for them. Anything else is not acceptable. That guy is full of bullshit. He is afraid she might gain weight and wants to control her.
Well your also not allowed to eat too much either, eating too little isn't allowed either thought
Load More Replies... Did anyone else feel like before the update of the "real" reasons, that he was "equally" disrespectful of HER culture. Being Mexican (or really any latino background) we all know our parents and especially our Abuelas would freak out if we ate so little when they prepared so much. My Abuela (bless her) would complain I was too "skinny" and I needed to eat more. When I invited my now husband to eat with us when my Abuela cooked, he thought he was going to pop afterwards because she kept insisting he eat more. I can only imagine what she'd say if he turned her down. He'd leave and she be like "He doesn't like my cooking? He doesn't like food? Was it too spicy?" Etc etc. Actually, that's also true of any Jewish Mom/Grandma, Italian Mom/Grandma, that I have ever encountered. No way could I have ever left any of their houses eating like a bird. So unless they were in HIS part of the world I would think it would be more "known" that you eat and eat a lot out of politeness.
Also what is it with people lately assuming their bf/gf should read their minds? I mean it's not like we are talking about a decade together and you probably should have know these "rules." It's always a few months to a year and meeting people for the first time and then getting slammed for not KNOWING the "rules."
Load More Replies... That's what I think too. That he's trying to control how much food she eats. Being married into a Latino family, my husband prides himself on my weight GAIN. I was only 115 lbs when we met (5'8") and I'm now 140 lbs and he's always telling people "see?? I did that!!" They (or he and his brothers and cousins) all like curvy women. I found out after we married that my own husband always thought I was too little. I'm def not anymore though!!
Load More Replies... So it wasn't cultural. he just lied his face off and yelled at her because he was too embarrassed to mention the fact his parents were not rolling in money. This makes him MORE of a douche not less.
If all the posts about Arab/Islamic families giving extra food to neighbours etc during their festivities (Eid? Sorry if I have this wrong) than I'm pretty sure op's boyfriends family isn't the cultural norm... ?
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm under the impression that Arab/Islamic culture places great value on being a generous host, and that a good guest will eat and be grateful for the hospitality. So there's definitely cause for worry with his behavior, mostly with the fact that he got angry and punished her for something he didn't explain beforehand. That's a way to make someone extremely insecure and to second-guess their every move.
Load More Replies... Even if boyfriend apologized afterwards, he is still a jerk. If it was cultural norm, he should tell her before the dinner, and if his parents not doing well financially, he should still tell her. It's not like OP would go and tell everyone. He's also a liar, first he told his girfriend that his mom was mad at supposed lack of table manners and then told her that his mom was happy OP liked her food.
My bf is arab. So many of my friends and ex-partners are arab. He is the one that is embarrassed, not the family, guaranteed. In fact, Arab culture is very similar to Slavic culture (my family). They stuff us with food until we want to throw up. If you don't eat until you drop, they ask you 'vat is wrong. You too skinny, eat more, more food.' He's just a d**k and thinks you're fat. Drop him.
Ooooh red flags all over this one. Even if the story about the parents not doing so well financially is true, the getting super angry and lying about what his mother said over something OP could never have known is super manipulative. How are you ever going to believe what he says again? And also he lied using his "culture" as an excuse when it wasn't even a cultural thing. Plus add in that he's trying to create bad blood between his gf and mother. So bad, so very very bad. This is an abusive relationship waiting to happen.
Dump the idiot as soon as possible and it has nothing to do with the culture he comes from. He basically sounds like a total d.
So basically he lied to control how she ate and said some racist and gross shît about his own culture just to control her. He lied about his own race and culture, he’s 1,000% lying about the financial situation too and she believed it so easily. 🤡 🤡
I’m glad I read the whole story. My husband is Arab and when I visit his family they keep on feeding you until you tell them stop. They’ll sit and watch what you eat more of and offer you that just to be a good host. However know of their financial situation he should have had a talk earlier and told her to not eat a lot. No ones a mind reader. Either way she is NTA and the boyfriend is for not being more forthcoming
If some cultural belief is well known then you wouldnt need to state in the beginning "In my culture..." Aside from the fact her BF straight up lied and gaslit her over something simple what couldve been avoided with a slight heads up. HUGE RED FLAGS. This was just a dinner. How're things going to be with him for actually important things?
We don't automatically know the other person's culture... and there are q lot of young men like that. On the surface they seem like nice modern gentlemen and underneath they're lying spoiled narcissists and they hide behind their "culture."
Some things to know when dining with an Arabic family: 1} Always, always use your right hand to pass , reach or eat. The left hand is considered unclean. 2} A spoon is the utensil of choice, so eat with your spoon. If you can't, again, place the spoon down and using your right hand, pick up your fork. ALWAYS your right hand. 3} never ever point the soles of your shoes at anyone. 4} Do not eat everything on your plate. Leave a small amount behind, but not a lot as it might be mistaken for that you didn't like the food. That being said......these people are jerks. Your BF is a jerk. it's almost taunting you to offer you a second helping. This shows me they know YOU don't know the "rules" and they know how things work with non-Arabic people. We eat. We have 2nds. We eat dessert even thou we are stuffed. Then they gossip about you and call you fat? So you have your BF and his whole family mocking you for not being "them". run. Really.
Sounds like a lotta hassle and that goes for any culture that has that many rules for just freaking eating, go date finger food dudes who don't mind bbq sauce everywhere lol, also avoid people who eat pizza with a knife and fork, huge red flag, very a**l retentive :))
Load More Replies... I'm trying to remember of any place where I've been more overfed than in Arab households... Northern Italy over Christmas possibly, but nowhere routinely as relentlessly stuffed as Syria and Morocco.
I have been a guest in an Arab home (in Kuwait), many times. I can tell you that the culture there, is that you WILL be taking that second helping, and you WILL be getting dessert, and you WILL be getting coffee after the meal. It was considered rude for me not to accept. I cannot believe this is the cultural norm.
My two cents, if the boyfriend's parents are having money issues (we all understand that) why didn't the boyfriend give his parents extra money beforehand. He knew that he was bringing her along and there would be an extra mouth. She needs to watch herself with dude, he has snake like qualities. Apology to the snake.
You can offend an Arabic hostess by eating to little, but never by eating too much. And there is no way Arabic parents would refuse help from their children - which are expected to take care of their parents. Why the hell isn't thee son providing them with food?? The guy is just a jerk.
You could help your boyfriends mother without her knowing. Tell her that your trying to learn how to cook some of his favorite foods and you would really like her help. Ask her what to buy. If she insists on getting it, tell her that you want to buy the stuff to make sure you are shopping correctly for what you need. Then have her demo her cooking techniques, but only take a plate home to your boyfriend leaving the rest behind for her to enjoy as a "thank you" for teaching you. So what if you already know how to cook certain things. It's an undercover and non-embarrassing way of helping them out.
I haven't traveled the world, but to me, OP's behavior sounds like in the range of normal for any culture. At a party or holiday dinner, you eat food. The boyfriend spun this off into some whole new weird level of reading way too far into her actions. That being said, the idea that his parents are so poor that OP eating seconds of pasta salad could have an affect on them is so sad, it brings me to tears. I hope he's lying, but even if he's not, there's still poverty in the world and it's horrible. We have to do something.
Telling anyone that their mother will be offended if you seem to enjoy their food is a real red flag. I would love to know what culture actually feels that way because I was very thin when I was younger and every person's mom, friend or boyfriend, seemed to think it was their personal calling to fatten me up. Feeding is so often a form of mom love. I do it, too.
I've lived in Egypt and had a bunch of Arab friends/colleagues all along my life and I've never heard something like that. In my experience Arab people pride themselves in offering lots of great food to their guests. They can even get offended if you bring something to eat or drink at it could be interpreted as a sign that you fear they cannot provide. I think the BF is just a manipulative liar and control freak....
the moment it was mentioned that the guy is arabic, and that she was told "it's common knowledge"... well, it's NOT. i assume they're not in an arabian land so the western etiquette is fine and unless you're told prior the event to follow rules of a different culture, there shouldn't be any complaints. i remember at my military guide about muslim habits, and there are a bunch of things that are strange to us. you can easily offend these people.
As someone who is multicultural and a minority in the country I live in, if there are such cultural rules I always explain to friends beforehand. In general however, if someone who is not familiar with our traditions and "breaks" them, we are more than aware that this person doesn't have and won't understand these things and there is no judgement on the person at all, we understand everyone is raised different and has different traditions, we wouldn't bat an eye at all.
I've worked, shared meals, and lived with Arab/Middle Eastern friends and colleagues. It is customary to not let guests be left with an empty plate. As long as you leave a little food on the plate it's fine. The host will ask if you want more if you have an empty plate. But a host must never complain that a guest eats too much. This is considered uncultured and terrible form.
I can understand a cultural mistake. I nearly made one when a Chinese family offered me food, but I turned it down since I had already eaten, they offered again the next day and I agreed to some amazing soup. Apparently when we looked up their regional customs, and it was tradition to refuse a gift up to three times before taking it, to show the giver you were a humble person who would not take advantage of others. They were so sweet and I fully showed my gratefulness and complemented the wonderful gift.
You're not a mindreader, if he didn't explain his family's situation to you so you'd have a smaller plate then that's his fault. He gaslit and disrespected you, even used his mother as a fake excuse. Run from this little boy of a man, he's not ready to grow up.
How F ing stupid anyway to be a good hostess by offering but also being a good guest by declining said offer.... wtf
As someone who isn't a dainty salad eating person, in my experience most people are absolutely delighted when they invite you to their home for food and you ask, or they offer you extra, the feel so appreciative, and what is this nonsense about eating what other people want you to eat, and how much, especially when dating, i say when you go on a date with someone, order the messiest, finger food and sauce drenched thing on the menu, my personal favourite is ribs, if you can't handle me tearing off chucks of ribs with bbq sauce on my hands and around my mouth, we're not gonna work out,
then you want to touch your parner with your dirty hand? I'd skip that. beside that, you can eat ribs without making a mess.
Load More Replies... He did it to you in a 7 months relationship? In a trivial question like... Food? Just try to figure how he'll treat you if you get married. SPOILER ALERT:no, he'll not get better because of you. Think about it.
NTA but I think it would be better if you had discussed beforehand what cultural rules apply with diner. If it was the other way around, and he was eating at your parents, you would have called him impolite because he would refuse food. With mixed cultural relationships, ALWAYS discuss food etiquette before diner at the parents. Also if there are huge economic /social differences between families.
My friend group is very diverse and whenever we do something like this where our families merge or cultures merge I always let my friends know of my culture norms and they do the same as to not offend. So the fact that he did not explain this beforehand knowing they aren't from the same culture is rude to begin with. How can you expect a person to just know this s**t without every explaining it. Also, how entitled are you that you think your SO should put their own culture aside for your own as if it's common knowledge... like "oh you're Mexican, you've never been to a dinner with my family who isn't Mexican but you should know what my culture is all about even though I have zero respect or knowledge for yours!" Nope. Girl bye. Let him go.
People do and say things in the heat of the moment, rationale is gone. He did have a lot of time to think about it, and he seemed to understand that he had made her upset (but being upset himself prevented him from reaching that conclusion). This is not a lost cause, he spoke to her about it, explained it. And the word "fat" I think he meant gluttonous probably. She filled her first plate more then she usually does, then she had extra. The boyfriend couldn't tell her about it at that time because he would shame his parents (he waited till they were gone, didn't confront her in front of the family), but by having to keep it in it builds up inside. And it is probably mixed with worry for his parents but also guilt from his part that his parents are too proud to let people know they don't have much.
Only someone who is a desperate doormat and a glutton for punishment would try to salvage this relationship
Load More Replies... Leave while you can. More cultural difference will arise after you have kids and it might be to late to leave then.
Cultural difference is a good thing. Not everyone has kids and it’s gross to assume something like that. You can split after having kids.
Load More Replies... I would consider it standard level consideration to look up the bare basic manners of a different culture before interacting with that culture. So she should have had some idea of Arab table manners and attitudes towards hosting long, long before this dinner. Her boyfriend hiding his parents' financial status and reacting defensively means he's either lying, or he views her as an outsider he can't tell family information to. My last thought is that the boyfriend is now going to have a terrible time explaining to his mother why he told his girlfriend all this bogus "etiquette" and lied about his parents thinking she was a greedy slob. And he isn't going to want to say "because I think you're too poor to afford food" (if that's true), and when he eventually does, it will be a mess with his mom. I predict that he will take out his frustrations from this impending family argument on the poster, and blame her for all of it.
I am usually absolutely delighted if my guests finish all the food I make and still ask for more. How is this disrespectful for any culture? And I am Asian just like him !!
it would be good manners for her to send the hostess a thank you card with a note a compliment about her cooking. This boyfriend is grooming his date to reject his mother. guys like this cause dysfunctional in-law relationships. If she hoping to marry, she could keep dating, this guys way to much work.
send the hostess flowers thanking her for the lovely Christmas dinner, it was so good you could have eaten three plates full.
I recognize the pattern. It's just a question of time before he's slapping you. No deseas tonta. Tienes que amarte a tu misma y encontrarte la persona adecuada. Id much rather spend Christmas with a Mexican family.
Your boyfriend is an a**hole. By the way. There are many countries that speak Arabic. 25 to be precise. So calling your boyfriend an Arab is like saying you're Anglo. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? And christmas isn't an Arab thing. Except when you're talking about Christian Arabs. There are plenty but the vast majority are Muslims. And let's face it, the authority on Christmas is best held by Christians. It was YOUR Christmas too. He is rude and his family are rude. They made no allowance for the fact that you were culturally different. Trust me, they'll expect total obedience once you're married. You'll have to dress appropriately, talk appropriately and fart appropriately. Run! Seriously, they put you on a platform and judged you. NOW YOU do the judging.
Where I'm from, it can be viewed as greedy and rude to eat a lot in other people's homes especially when you're not close. I believe it all actually happened the way OP said it did. In many cultures what's known as "saving face" or maintaining a facade that everything's fine is important. In these cases telling a 7mth gf that the finances are so bad that food could be a worry would be betraying his parents' confidence and embarrass them needlessly. And since she doesn't usually eat much, he doesn't forsee a problem. One practice is to never show up empty handed when you know you're having a meal in someone's house. Bring a hostess gift or dish to share at the meal is a good way of saying "I'm not coming as a freeloader to your home". It's red flag though the way he flat out lied to her about why he was angry and maintained that for days until confronted with evidence. The way it all want down says a lot about the size of his ego and the way he thinks.
Whatever you do, he has a different story, where he's the victim , or the family, and you're the one that should be ashamed, self-censored, etc. Girl, it's one of the diagnosing criteria for the narcissique pervert. He'll destroy you. Go away from him. Now!
RUN, GIRL Why should his family's manners and culture be more valuable than yours??? Leave them, go away, you deserve someone who respects you and your background
Can it be that this is about americans or happening in america and there people have apsolutely no table manners? The story she told about her mom can make sense when you are a child. But stuffing your face like there is no tomorrow...yeah,I. Europe that would look really weird,at least in countries like germany Norway Sweden... Although people here are becoming also more and more obese so I guess it could be going down the drain... in serbia where I am from I dont see this at all as bad manners. We love maki g 10 dishes or more for new years or christmas... and we love eating like crazy..but then on the other hand we are for some reason not overweight at all so it kind of balances out... yes the point is that if you eat like that all the time it means you have a lack of boundaries,and for religious people that is considered a sin...maybe that's why the muslim people also didnt oke it...
Oh no.. He's a big liar who just will continue to put you down and trying to control you. His behaviour towards you is terrible. Grown up man should handle things differently.
He sounds like a liar or you are which is very likely this story is complete crap as a lot of the facts don't line up ..we left in seperate cars from my parents to him ..u were at his parents not yours ..there's so many facts that don't add up in this story either he's a peice of s**t liar or you are..but even without the lies he's clearly a peice of s**t u can do better without trying
NTA-Clearly neither side knew about the other's cultural differences surrounding amounts eaten at meals. A discussion about it would have helped. He really should have given her a heads-up before they went to his family's house. How was she to know she was going against their culture's portion ethics since they kept offering her food?? He needs to know that calling her fat is also rude and unacceptable!
Navigating cultural differences can be a nightmare. My dad travels around the world for business and he literally had a list at one point of what was expected of him. Some cultures it is rude to the host to not eat everything on your plate, in others it's rude not to leave a small amount. This argument could be about anything though, it's a lack of communication about what each expects of the other. I'm glad they got it worked out in the end.
Sorry for the ot but I first thought this would be the AITA story where the girlfriend eats the boyfriend's poor grandma's food for the next week because she didn't know that the leftovers are all that grandma has to eat due to being poor but still wanting to feed the family a lovely Christmas meal.
His lie about his mother being offended is a big red flag. On the other hand, he apologized. I'm on the fence here, in part because I don't know if he's young and in need of growing up or if he's in the habit of lying. She added that she's taking the relationship slow and easy, so it sounds as if he's on probation.
"Some cultures should never meet," or maybe the cultures can meet with open minds, ready to learn about each other, respect each other, and find common ground.
Load More Replies... No it isn’t. The key is not being a liar. The door is being a normal person.
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