Guy Keeps Telling His Girlfriend That She Smells Bad, Turns Out His Dad Taught Him This “Secret Technique”
I know some people view dating as a game but the dude you’re going to hear about has gone even further: to him, a relationship is manipulating his partner into eternal misery and submission.
Seeking relationship advice and not knowing where to turn, Redditor ThrowRA-doistink made a post on the platform, asking other users why her boyfriend keeps telling her that she has body odor.
However, soon after, the woman (who, by the way, has perfect hygiene) got the answer from the guy himself. Turns out, it’s a tactic he uses to crush her self-esteem…
If the situation sounds weird and wrong, it’s because it is. Just keep scrolling and you’ll learn all about it.
Image credits: Billie (not the actual photo)
Dating coach Hayley Quinn thinks that approaching dating as a game with strategy and tactics is not only unethical but also ineffective. “First of all, trying to pre-meditate every move on your dates, won’t work. There are so many permutations of what might happen, you won’t be able to script it,” the 2.5 million view TED speaker told Bored Panda. “Secondly, when you say a line that’s disingenuous you actually end up downvoting your self-esteem: you’re effectively telling yourself that who you truly are isn’t good enough.”
However, we all probably try to change our partners to some extent. “We remind them to put the washing out, buy them some clothes for Christmas that we like, and to stop burping out loud,” Quinn explained. “What makes the difference though are two things. One, do you fundamentally accept your partner as they are, or are you only attracted to them when they act in the way you like? Do you see them as a ‘fixer-upper’? Secondly, what tone do you speak to them in? If you’re telling them that how they are is wrong / unattractive / that no one else would put up with it… then you’re crossing a line. Instead, work out if who they naturally are is someone you can accept (and cherish) or move on.”
But it seems that ThrowRA-doistink wasn’t the only one with who her boyfriend wasn’t satisfied. His desperate attempt to avoid getting dumped can also be an indication of the man’s inability to live with himself.
“If you find yourself convinced your partner will cheat, or always on high alert for a potential date messing you around, this could be telling you less about them and more about your own insecurities,” Quinn said. “We’ve all had bad experiences but it’s really important that you cultivate positive expectations both for dating, and your future partner. Start to trust that if they’re spending their time with you, that they are attracted to you, and now it’s your turn to work out whether you think you’re compatible with them, or not.”
Emotional abuse can be really difficult to recognize. At least ThrowRA-doistink found out what was going on sooner rather than later.
People were appalled by the guy’s behavior
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Yeah no good friend should put you down to control you, even less a lovepartner
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I hope she got therapy to help regain her self esteem. She was cruelly treated.
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What is wrong with some people, surely this guy was old enough to figure for himself that his dad was full of it. Smart people learn not to be like their bad perants.. I did.
Same here mcborge1. It isn't that hard to look at your parents behaviour and work out what is kind and what is not. You do not have to be a copy, you can learn to be better than your upbringing.
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Screw him. My wife has an actual medical condition where she sweats under stress, and while it's not typical BO, it has an acrid smell unlike anything in my previous experience. It was mortifying for both her and me until we became open about it and treated it as the medical condition it is. This guy is making it up as a controlling method? I don't care if he was indoctrinated by Scientology and his father was L. Ron Hubbard. He is a grown man and should have realized that old daddy controlling behavior was wrong. This is not the 50s. We have information at our fingertip. Among that information is awareness of abuse. This is abuse. As bad as almost anything.
To whoever was defending him and said that breaking up was too harsh when he was only doing what his dad taught him... that's B.S. - he's a grown man and doesn't need to do everything his dad told him to. If this guy really thinks that breaking a woman's self esteem is the way to hold on to her, she was right to break up. I don't even know why you'd want to "trap" your wife... in my marriage, I try to make sure my wife doesn't feel trapped so she is with me because she wants to be - most importantly, she has full access to all of our savings/retirement accounts, and we make sure she's got a good credit history by having half of household bills/loans in her name. When my uncle left my aunt, she had nothing in her name - not even a credit card, and it was very hard for her to build an independent life (she got alimony from him, but she couldn't qualify for a car loan, and had to have her daughter co-sign her apartment lease).
You're a good one. All women need to start learning that they should have access to these things as well as their own money so that they aren't trapped.
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Terrible. Terrible parenting by the father. Terrible daily destruction of another person. People, like birds and all living creatures don't belong in cages. Not prisons with bars or metaphoric jails of despising the self.
This is why I stay single. I’m a very simple person and don’t understand the mind games people play. At 30 years old, you know that’s not okay…. I think bad people and experiences teach us who not to be.
It’s made me very averse to dating too, especially since I already have self esteem issues.
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Never simply tolerate abuse from your SO. Talk about it immediately when it happens, don't wait! Otherwise resentment and insecurity will build. 9 times out of 10 it's not intentional or is some awful habit picked up from a family member. As for the 10th time when it IS intentional and not something they want to correct... Well, you just got out of a toxic relationship before it got really bad, so there is that!
Well, that "plan" certainly backfired on him. Looks like his dad doesn't know what the hell he's talking about after all.
If anyone is unclear on what gaslighting is in action and how abusive it can be well here you go. Dude gaslighted his Hopefully now ex girlfriend into thinking she has a medical issue.
How can you hear your father say that and still think it's appropriate to trick someone into staying with you by making them feel horrible about themselves? This is so wrong. What other tips has your father given you...? I feel bad for her and for the mother in this who has been duped into staying with this toxic father.
Because it obviously works for his parents. You'd be surprised at the abusive s**t that seems normal when you grow up with it. Dude needs therapy.
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Another male raised badly. I'm seeing a lot of Nurture over Nature with this stuff. 99% of the time when you know/meet a detestable human being with horrible attitudes/actions towards others, look at the parents and you'll find all the explanation you need.
Yeah, the father is wrong too, but anybody who hears this advice and says, "Hey, I'll try that" is going to have serious power issues in the relationship even if he quits doing this particular thing.
I'd not be so sure --- whatever you grow up with is 'normal', whether weekly McDonalds, violence, eating without cutlery, or gaslighting. And with his parents still together, "yeah dad is onto something". If he had the luck of better friends (AND talking to them), or the gift of critical thinking, he'd not have done it. I'd definitely split up, both can start with a clean slate & he can not make same mistake.
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Omg I'm speechless. How one human being can do this to person with who you are in actual relationship? I'm so sorry she went through that, she should also know better about herself and not blindly believing this comment, while yes, sometimes you change deo and it triggers wrong sensors in your partner evoking bad smell, but normal person would approach it differently I think. Good you dumped him!
I'm glad she got away but I'm also worried about the guy's mom. Is she still alive? If both his parents are alive then mom is probably still going through this abuse.
It's negging and emotional abuse. Another technique my shitty abusive husband enjoys is that whatever observation I make about life, my day, etc. he'll say that it's wrong or that's not what happened. It's like gaslighting. Women, be smarter than me and leave the pathetic abusers!!!
Wishing for you to be able to leave safely, and soon. I left my abusive husband last year and I can finally feel myself starting to heal from years of degradation. Sending you hugs.
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The entire family needs therapy. Especially the father. I wonder how far back this goes? Maybe even dad was taught this. Abuse like this is often handed down and taught to multiple generations.
Yes, but most of us see other families even if it's just on TV. He knew this was wrong, the fact that he panicked when caught out proves that. When you know it's wrong you do have the option not to do it.
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I don't, in any way, condone the boyfriend's behaviour, but you'd be surprised how much of an impact a parent's teachings (or brainwashing) can have on their children. I had a male colleague whose Dad was a sex-driven misogynist. From a young age, the Dad taught him that women are objects. My colleague wasn't as bad as his Dad, but he slept around a lot (even with a married woman), sent loads of porn GIFs to everyone in the office, and talked about sex all the time.
Isn't it terrible when men do to women what women more often do to men?
Dad is a pitiful excuse of a human.. and that offspring is too. Honestly. He outright stated that this is a technique **TO MAKE YOUR PARTNER FEEL LOW**. Ignoring anything else, about it... What humane individual EVER thinks "make your loved one feel terrible" is an acceptable or 'good' piece of advice? So this alleged adult fully believes "make your partner feel horrible" is a good thing. What other messed up social ideals does he think are okay that no normal person would ever think is okay??? And who are the nutters who were like 'Give him another chance' - like... what the heck?? You are dealing with someone who thinks 'make your partner feel like garbage' is good advice. Bloody idiot.
Isn't that basically "gaslighting"? When you constantly tell someone something that you know to be untrue, you're being abusive & manipulative. He was an idiot, but his Dad is an absolute piece of sh*t. Glad she dumped him. That is NOT a family you want to be a part of. (And his poor Mom!)
Imagine being married to someone like that. Thinking that if you truly "love "someone, destroy their self esteem so that they will stay with you. Some people are so fu*k up.
The poster did the right thing. This guy deliberately manipulated her to make her feel bad for his own purposes. Put his crap on the curb and set it on fire! Change the locks first, tho.
I wonder if the boyfriend has a chronic sinus or nasal infection- or bad dentition. I would bet he's smelling himself. He needs a good ENT eval and a dental appointment.
What's extra sad is this guys mom and how she is/was treated. He witnessed this, which I assume didn't help him either.
I’m glad she still had the esteem left to leave him. Ugh emotional abusers are the worst, they all are but the way it makes you feel so crazy and alone. Terrible.
His dad is a d**k, He is a d**k, It IS emotional abuse, it is not ok to treat people like that, but, She stayed a year with a guy that daily told he she smelled bad... I think the dad was right, lowering her self esteem worked (at least for a while), and the next woman is in for a bad time because he'll do it again for sure.
I don't know whether this counts as body-shaming or just emotional abuse, but its both in my mind
The real piece of trash is the father. If your 30yo son can't tell this is wrong, if his self-esteem is so low that he feels he NEEDS this edge, he's pretty much a victim as well and needs help. Ask yourselves whose issue is easier to fix. OP clearly has sufficient inner strength to get over this. BF is damaged goods for life probably.
G-D, YOU'RE LUCKY! I spent 13 years in a ''relationship'' like yours and I was too depressed to get out. He threw me out of the house and told his family I had abandoned him.
I just hope the OP got in touch with the guy’s mother and asked if she was OK and aware of what her husband is doing to her. This kind of abuse is called Coercive Abuse and in the UK at least it’s illegal and carries a jail sentence for the abuser.
In all fairness to his father - he was truthful about his methods (keep them low!). For the guy to know its gaslighting but choose to apply what he learnt - he is trash.
I cannot even realise what I just read! Imagine how low self esteem HE must have to think that this is the only way to keep a woman!! How far behind you think this goes? How many generations of men where raised like this in this family?? And more importantly how many generations of women ended up with no self esteem trapped in abusive relationships? So sad
Holy crap this sounds like a terribly written sitcom! Some people absolutely suck.
How dump do you have to be to think that telling someone they smell and denying them intimacy is ok?! Seriously?!
Just wanted to make sure BP didn’t censor me 🤣
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My husband said I smell bad because I forgot to put on deodorant after I took a shower and made me upset that whole day, I refused to talk to him and he apologized a lot. He didn't mean any harm, he just didn't want me to embarrassed myself. So now, imagine how this woman has felt by being told that she was smelly everyday.
And then you wonder why some people are single... That prick better be glad that PO didn't sue him for mental/psychological damage (if that is possible)
It is possible to sue him (assuming there has been a financial loss), but the process would be messy, stressful and could be lengthy. So it would be better to just kick him to the curb.
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It would be simpler and nice to be honest and let them know the reason. Seems worse and complicated to let them think you don’t like them.
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Because he gaslit her. That's what happens in abusive relationships. She genuinely thought she smelled.
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I’m totally OK with being an AH commenter. No one’s saying he can’t go to therapy, but what he did to that woman is abuse, and that kind of thing can f**k victims up in the head for years.
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No actually I'm quite certain the emotionally abusive gaslighter is in the wrong and his victim is not, Bryn.
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Yeah no good friend should put you down to control you, even less a lovepartner
Load More Replies... I hope she got therapy to help regain her self esteem. She was cruelly treated.
Load More Replies... What is wrong with some people, surely this guy was old enough to figure for himself that his dad was full of it. Smart people learn not to be like their bad perants.. I did.
Same here mcborge1. It isn't that hard to look at your parents behaviour and work out what is kind and what is not. You do not have to be a copy, you can learn to be better than your upbringing.
Load More Replies... Screw him. My wife has an actual medical condition where she sweats under stress, and while it's not typical BO, it has an acrid smell unlike anything in my previous experience. It was mortifying for both her and me until we became open about it and treated it as the medical condition it is. This guy is making it up as a controlling method? I don't care if he was indoctrinated by Scientology and his father was L. Ron Hubbard. He is a grown man and should have realized that old daddy controlling behavior was wrong. This is not the 50s. We have information at our fingertip. Among that information is awareness of abuse. This is abuse. As bad as almost anything.
To whoever was defending him and said that breaking up was too harsh when he was only doing what his dad taught him... that's B.S. - he's a grown man and doesn't need to do everything his dad told him to. If this guy really thinks that breaking a woman's self esteem is the way to hold on to her, she was right to break up. I don't even know why you'd want to "trap" your wife... in my marriage, I try to make sure my wife doesn't feel trapped so she is with me because she wants to be - most importantly, she has full access to all of our savings/retirement accounts, and we make sure she's got a good credit history by having half of household bills/loans in her name. When my uncle left my aunt, she had nothing in her name - not even a credit card, and it was very hard for her to build an independent life (she got alimony from him, but she couldn't qualify for a car loan, and had to have her daughter co-sign her apartment lease).
You're a good one. All women need to start learning that they should have access to these things as well as their own money so that they aren't trapped.
Load More Replies... Terrible. Terrible parenting by the father. Terrible daily destruction of another person. People, like birds and all living creatures don't belong in cages. Not prisons with bars or metaphoric jails of despising the self.
This is why I stay single. I’m a very simple person and don’t understand the mind games people play. At 30 years old, you know that’s not okay…. I think bad people and experiences teach us who not to be.
It’s made me very averse to dating too, especially since I already have self esteem issues.
Load More Replies... Never simply tolerate abuse from your SO. Talk about it immediately when it happens, don't wait! Otherwise resentment and insecurity will build. 9 times out of 10 it's not intentional or is some awful habit picked up from a family member. As for the 10th time when it IS intentional and not something they want to correct... Well, you just got out of a toxic relationship before it got really bad, so there is that!
Well, that "plan" certainly backfired on him. Looks like his dad doesn't know what the hell he's talking about after all.
If anyone is unclear on what gaslighting is in action and how abusive it can be well here you go. Dude gaslighted his Hopefully now ex girlfriend into thinking she has a medical issue.
How can you hear your father say that and still think it's appropriate to trick someone into staying with you by making them feel horrible about themselves? This is so wrong. What other tips has your father given you...? I feel bad for her and for the mother in this who has been duped into staying with this toxic father.
Because it obviously works for his parents. You'd be surprised at the abusive s**t that seems normal when you grow up with it. Dude needs therapy.
Load More Replies... Another male raised badly. I'm seeing a lot of Nurture over Nature with this stuff. 99% of the time when you know/meet a detestable human being with horrible attitudes/actions towards others, look at the parents and you'll find all the explanation you need.
Yeah, the father is wrong too, but anybody who hears this advice and says, "Hey, I'll try that" is going to have serious power issues in the relationship even if he quits doing this particular thing.
I'd not be so sure --- whatever you grow up with is 'normal', whether weekly McDonalds, violence, eating without cutlery, or gaslighting. And with his parents still together, "yeah dad is onto something". If he had the luck of better friends (AND talking to them), or the gift of critical thinking, he'd not have done it. I'd definitely split up, both can start with a clean slate & he can not make same mistake.
Load More Replies... Omg I'm speechless. How one human being can do this to person with who you are in actual relationship? I'm so sorry she went through that, she should also know better about herself and not blindly believing this comment, while yes, sometimes you change deo and it triggers wrong sensors in your partner evoking bad smell, but normal person would approach it differently I think. Good you dumped him!
I'm glad she got away but I'm also worried about the guy's mom. Is she still alive? If both his parents are alive then mom is probably still going through this abuse.
It's negging and emotional abuse. Another technique my shitty abusive husband enjoys is that whatever observation I make about life, my day, etc. he'll say that it's wrong or that's not what happened. It's like gaslighting. Women, be smarter than me and leave the pathetic abusers!!!
Wishing for you to be able to leave safely, and soon. I left my abusive husband last year and I can finally feel myself starting to heal from years of degradation. Sending you hugs.
Load More Replies... The entire family needs therapy. Especially the father. I wonder how far back this goes? Maybe even dad was taught this. Abuse like this is often handed down and taught to multiple generations.
Yes, but most of us see other families even if it's just on TV. He knew this was wrong, the fact that he panicked when caught out proves that. When you know it's wrong you do have the option not to do it.
Load More Replies... I don't, in any way, condone the boyfriend's behaviour, but you'd be surprised how much of an impact a parent's teachings (or brainwashing) can have on their children. I had a male colleague whose Dad was a sex-driven misogynist. From a young age, the Dad taught him that women are objects. My colleague wasn't as bad as his Dad, but he slept around a lot (even with a married woman), sent loads of porn GIFs to everyone in the office, and talked about sex all the time.
Isn't it terrible when men do to women what women more often do to men?
Dad is a pitiful excuse of a human.. and that offspring is too. Honestly. He outright stated that this is a technique **TO MAKE YOUR PARTNER FEEL LOW**. Ignoring anything else, about it... What humane individual EVER thinks "make your loved one feel terrible" is an acceptable or 'good' piece of advice? So this alleged adult fully believes "make your partner feel horrible" is a good thing. What other messed up social ideals does he think are okay that no normal person would ever think is okay??? And who are the nutters who were like 'Give him another chance' - like... what the heck?? You are dealing with someone who thinks 'make your partner feel like garbage' is good advice. Bloody idiot.
Isn't that basically "gaslighting"? When you constantly tell someone something that you know to be untrue, you're being abusive & manipulative. He was an idiot, but his Dad is an absolute piece of sh*t. Glad she dumped him. That is NOT a family you want to be a part of. (And his poor Mom!)
Imagine being married to someone like that. Thinking that if you truly "love "someone, destroy their self esteem so that they will stay with you. Some people are so fu*k up.
The poster did the right thing. This guy deliberately manipulated her to make her feel bad for his own purposes. Put his crap on the curb and set it on fire! Change the locks first, tho.
I wonder if the boyfriend has a chronic sinus or nasal infection- or bad dentition. I would bet he's smelling himself. He needs a good ENT eval and a dental appointment.
What's extra sad is this guys mom and how she is/was treated. He witnessed this, which I assume didn't help him either.
I’m glad she still had the esteem left to leave him. Ugh emotional abusers are the worst, they all are but the way it makes you feel so crazy and alone. Terrible.
His dad is a d**k, He is a d**k, It IS emotional abuse, it is not ok to treat people like that, but, She stayed a year with a guy that daily told he she smelled bad... I think the dad was right, lowering her self esteem worked (at least for a while), and the next woman is in for a bad time because he'll do it again for sure.
I don't know whether this counts as body-shaming or just emotional abuse, but its both in my mind
The real piece of trash is the father. If your 30yo son can't tell this is wrong, if his self-esteem is so low that he feels he NEEDS this edge, he's pretty much a victim as well and needs help. Ask yourselves whose issue is easier to fix. OP clearly has sufficient inner strength to get over this. BF is damaged goods for life probably.
G-D, YOU'RE LUCKY! I spent 13 years in a ''relationship'' like yours and I was too depressed to get out. He threw me out of the house and told his family I had abandoned him.
I just hope the OP got in touch with the guy’s mother and asked if she was OK and aware of what her husband is doing to her. This kind of abuse is called Coercive Abuse and in the UK at least it’s illegal and carries a jail sentence for the abuser.
In all fairness to his father - he was truthful about his methods (keep them low!). For the guy to know its gaslighting but choose to apply what he learnt - he is trash.
I cannot even realise what I just read! Imagine how low self esteem HE must have to think that this is the only way to keep a woman!! How far behind you think this goes? How many generations of men where raised like this in this family?? And more importantly how many generations of women ended up with no self esteem trapped in abusive relationships? So sad
Holy crap this sounds like a terribly written sitcom! Some people absolutely suck.
How dump do you have to be to think that telling someone they smell and denying them intimacy is ok?! Seriously?!
Just wanted to make sure BP didn’t censor me 🤣
Load More Replies... My husband said I smell bad because I forgot to put on deodorant after I took a shower and made me upset that whole day, I refused to talk to him and he apologized a lot. He didn't mean any harm, he just didn't want me to embarrassed myself. So now, imagine how this woman has felt by being told that she was smelly everyday.
And then you wonder why some people are single... That prick better be glad that PO didn't sue him for mental/psychological damage (if that is possible)
It is possible to sue him (assuming there has been a financial loss), but the process would be messy, stressful and could be lengthy. So it would be better to just kick him to the curb.
Load More Replies... It would be simpler and nice to be honest and let them know the reason. Seems worse and complicated to let them think you don’t like them.
Load More Replies... Because he gaslit her. That's what happens in abusive relationships. She genuinely thought she smelled.
Load More Replies... I’m totally OK with being an AH commenter. No one’s saying he can’t go to therapy, but what he did to that woman is abuse, and that kind of thing can f**k victims up in the head for years.
Load More Replies... No actually I'm quite certain the emotionally abusive gaslighter is in the wrong and his victim is not, Bryn.
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