Parents Call Out “Boomer Grandparents” Who Overstep Boundaries, Explaining The Toxicity Of The Whole Dynamic
Interview
Generational differences have always been a point of discussion. Not only because there’s always at least a little bit of tension between parents and kids, but also because of the things that “come with the territory.” You know, when parents become grandparents, they feel like it’s as much about them as it is about their adult children and grandchildren.
Several parents have been coming out and joining the discussion on boundaries, the “my house, my rules” concept, and what actually matters when it comes to grandparent-grandchild relations. This is all in the hopes of reducing—and hopefully eliminating—toxic grandparenting and fostering respect.
More Info: TikTok
It’s great that grandparents want to spend time with their grandkids, but boundaries are always inevitably inbound
Image credits: itsme_lisap
Digital creator, housewife, and mother Lisa Pontius posted a video in which—in good old TikTok fashion—she was dancing to the tune of “The Joke Is On You” by Niki Watkins. The captions point out the irony in how “boomers” say “my house, my rules,” yet they also get upset when their kids, now parents themselves, start imposing their boundaries in their houses. Yeah, take that!
Also in good TikTok fashion, there were folks responding to this in the form of comments. One of these comments pointed out that what Lisa did was effectively her own version of the “my house, my rules” idea.
Parents and experts on TikTok have been discussing grandparent boundaries, their importance, and nuances
Image credits: itsme_lisap
Stay-at-home-mom Lisa Pontius gave a spot-on explanation of how the “my house, my rules” idea differs from setting boundaries
Image credits: itsme_lisap
She took this opportunity to explain a very crucial difference between “my house, my rules” and setting boundaries the way it should be done. And that is that the former is authoritarian, avoiding any discussion and not really explaining anything to a mind that really needs an explanation to make sense of the world.
Boundaries, on the other hand, don’t necessarily restrict something, though they can. They are, in a way, used to teach the hows and whens and whys of actions and situations, providing room for discussion, or at the very least, an appropriate explanation. While they do retain a certain level of authority—kids need that—it’s certainly not ruling with an iron fist.
“No, you can’t do gymnastics right now because we need to leave in ten minutes, but how about later today?” and “No, you can’t jump on the couch because you can get really hurt” are the examples Lisa provides.
Lisa explains that “my house, my rules” is an authoritarian approach that eliminates any discussion, whereas boundaries at the very least provide very needed explanations
Image credits: itsme_lisap
You can check Lisa’s detailed explanation in the following video
@itsme_lisap If it’s not the consequences of my own actions #boundaries #boomergrandparents #familydynamics #toxicfamilyissues #breakthecycle ♬ the joke is on you. icarly – Kate
Bored Panda had a chat with Lisa about boundaries, their nuances and challenges. She explained what “my house, my rules” realistically looked like to us millennials growing up:
“‘My house, my rules’ is probably how most of us millennials were raised. It probably looked something like ‘no using the phone after 9PM’ or ‘no music at the dinner table’ or ‘no rap music in my house,’ etc. Pretty benign stuff, really. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with setting rules for the house, but ‘my house my rules’ shuts down any explanation or understanding. In my opinion, it’s lazy parenting.”
Setting boundaries effectively breaks the cycle of the “my house, my rules” idea. However, all of this progress might be for naught if the grandparents barge in, disrespecting your, as a parent’s, boundaries and going on with their “time-tested” approach. You know, because they raised one kid, they can do it again.
It is important to note that while Lisa referred to “boomers” in her video, she elaborated that their authoritarian approach isn’t boomer-specific. She said that this is how most previous generations were raised, no “ifs, ands or buts.”
Another mom and therapist, Audia Reggie, also pointed out that grandparent-grandkid relations are actually a privilege, and not a right
Image credits: truthheals
Another mom, therapist Audia Reggie, pointed out a key aspect of grandparent boundaries in her video that she dedicated to entitled grandparents. She said that, for a grandparent, to have a relationship with a grandchild is a privilege and not a right.
From a legal standpoint, in the United States, grandparents have no rights when it comes to grandchildren. So, since, more often than not, the proximity that a grandparent has with a grandchild reflects the kind of relationship they have with their own now-adult children, they ought to start fostering a good relationship with the latter first because they ultimately get to decide how close they want the grandparents to be.
At least in the US, grandparents have no rights to grandkids, which suggests that the relationship they have with their adult kids is likely going to be the same with the grandkids
Image credits: truthheals
Image credits: truthheals
Image credits: truthheals
And before all the grandparents start to cry wolf, hypnotic coach Micah Stephens debunks the idea that kids “need” their grandparents. They don’t need grandparents—“they need love and respect.”
Now, if they do end up getting that from grandparents, that is amazing. But if they instead get the same “my house, my rules” sort of approach that entails control and abuse, then they don’t need grandparents. Not with that attitude, at least.
Hypnotic coach Micah Stephens adds that kids don’t really need grandparents as much as they need love and respect
Image credits: micahstephenscoaching
Image credits: micahstephenscoaching
But let’s humor the possibility that a grandparent has to be put in time-out. The kid has to know why their grandparents aren’t visiting as often, if at all, right? Lisa elaborated on this:
“To answer this would require a lot of context—on the relationship, on the boundary that was broken and the severity of the problem. If it were a safety issue, I would explain it to my kids in that way: ‘my job as your mom is to keep you safe, and grandpa doesn’t make safe decisions right now so we need to see him less’—something like that. Obviously it would need to be age appropriate and tailored to each family. I’m thankful I haven’t been put in that position because it is a hard place to be.”
Boundaries can come in many shapes and sizes. One of the most popular ones that folks love to violate is gifts. Instead of doing what the parents asked, “just one,” they bring in an amount that you’d probably need a credit loan for. Diary Of Honest Mom showed it best.
One of the most popular boundaries that grandparents love to violate is how much they express their love for grandkids in the form of gifts
Image credits: diaryofanhonestmom
Image credits: diaryofanhonestmom
But it can also manifest in the form of honoring the parenting style, enforcing screen time rules, respecting the kid’s diet (and restrictions), and even being consistent with discipline. In fact, even the parents should coordinate together on all of these as it otherwise would open up doors for the kid you as a parent wouldn’t want open.
Needless to say, setting boundaries is challenging no matter how to go about it, as explains Lisa: “My biggest struggle is probably just feeling like the bad guy. I have always been a people pleaser and I still find myself wanting to avoid conflict unless necessary. Over the years, I’ve mostly gotten over that for the sake of my kids and my family, but it’s still not something I enjoy.”
But that isn’t the only boundary as there’s also honoring parenting styles, enforcing screen time, respecting kids’ diets and the like
Image credits: diaryofanhonestmom
Image credits: diaryofanhonestmom
Now, this whole “grandparent boundaries” trend isn’t to say that there is a rising problem of grandparental disobedience, because “following parental guidelines is for chumps” and stuff. But just like there are still folks who throw out “so, when will we hear the pitter-patter of little feet?” in casual conversation, folks assuming their old parenting habits are still valid have a non-zero chance. And this trend aims to lessen it.
What is hopeful to see is that this isn’t an apocalyptic scenario where all grandparents are going to absolutely disregard their kids’ parenting. Gwenith Rachelle, who’s a mom of 5 and a grandma of 1, also went viral with a video of hers where she explains the ways in which she chooses to respect her son’s parenting—asking for instructions and permissions on taking care of their kids and avoiding the mentality of “I’ve had kids so I know what I’m doing.”
You can check out everything that Lisa does on her TikTok and Instagram. But before you go, the discussion continues as you are invited to share your thoughts and feelings on grandparent boundaries in the comment section below. We leave you with Lisa’s concluding remark on what she thinks everyone ought to know about boundaries:
“Boundaries are something I think every relationship needs. They’re there to help navigate relationships so everyone feels respected. A grandparent respecting the boundaries put in place by the parents ensures a healthier dynamic overall and more time spent with their grandkids.”
I raised my grandbaby for first 2 yrs of life. When my daughter was ready and able to parent him, the parenting style was automatically deferred to her. It was great being the one to follow instead of lead and just be Grandma!! She knows I do my level best to keep to their schedule when he visits, and follow dietary instructions so he's not a grouchy booger when he goes home. I'm very lucky that she does allow for some special mischief at Grandma's.... a reasonable leeway of 'at Grandma's you get to eat Gummy Bears and play with finger paint!' Hey, Grandparents! You had your turn, now just enjoy the ride! 🥰👍🏻
Many, many moms out there wish they had a mom like you. My kids are 16 and 4. The youngest has no clue about my parents because I haven’t spoken to them in years. When it hits him that Dad has parents but Mom doesn’t, I’m going to honest with him. I want my kids to grow up knowing how to set boundaries, not have to figure it out when they’re 30 like I did.
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My mother was a 'tiger mom'. She believed that parenting required a certain amount of physical and emotional discipline. It did not work. Instead it turned me into a fragile, self-conscious, self-doubting, self-loathing individual. I refuse to let her do this to my child so while I allow her to have a relationship with my son, I am VERY protective of how she interacts with him.
I'm sorry you went through that but you seem to be handling it well and are very wise. Sometimes people are broken and damaged and need help to be fixed, if possible. My parents were after I forced them into treatment because I wasn't going to allow them to do what they did to me, to my baby brother! And I was going to be moving out soon and he needed to be safe. We have to look out for the little ones.
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It's actually my kid, my rules, not just my house. If that doesn't work at their place, I can't control their home, but I absolutely can control if my kid goes there. Same for their presence anywhere at all, if you can't follow the rules anywhere, we can't see you anywhere. Yeah, we try to make the rules reasonable, but the few we do have are not up for discussion.
Sounds like an ego problem. Humans are social beings. We are meant to be in trubes and have strong large family ties. All your teaching your kid to do is to dishonor you as their parent, because of the example you set in the way you treat your parents. Feel bad for your kid.
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My sister has an awful relationship with her daughter. She's emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive. The other day, talk of my niece getting married prompted talk of her having kids. Without missing a beat, my b***h of a sister said "Well since I'll be the grandma, will have no choice but to let me see that child." And I said "That won't be your kid. It'll be 's choice who sees this baby IF she decides have kids." And my b***h of a sister said "It doesn't matter what wants, that's MY grandchild and I'm entitled to see my grandchildren. Even if I have to sneak in and tell later that I have the kids." I mean, first of all my niece isn't pregnant at all. Second, the ENTITLEMENT is what made me laugh at her. Just because you're the grandparent, you have authority over the baby? This is why my niece doesn't want a relationship with her. My b***h of a sister does not see what she says and does is wrong.
Does she even realise that she’s pretty much admitted that she would be willing to kidnap a child, which is very illegal and could result in very bad consequences for her? Like no wonder her daughter wants nothing to do with her if she’s contemplating literal crime out loud in front of other people regarding said hypothetical child….
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My mother kept crossing boundaries when my son was about 2 1/2. Had been since he was born. It came down to undermining my parenting and disregarding any country/rule set. At this particular point I find out my baby was in a moving vehicle without a car seat. "We didn't have car seats in our day/when you were little" All communication/visitation came to a halt for 5 years. What does my mom do during those 5 years? Continuously call police and CPS on me. No problems were ever found and she faced legal action for false reports. Now we lived hours away and rarely ever speak.
That's very sad for you. You shouldn't have to go through that.
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Totally agree with this. We have very clear boundaries, one that has caused my mum to not see her grandchild since October last year. She was taking care of them for the day and they went out to a shopping centre. My kid asked for a mask, as they were still being cautious, mum refused to give them one and said that they weren't needed (yes mum is a covidiot). Kid then refused to enter the shopping centre until they had a mask, mums friend gave them one. Kid has since refused to see grandma until she grows up and respects peoples wishes. Why is my kid more sensible than grandma? I also won't ever let my dad take care of the kids as he once kicked my nephew and said he deserved it, since when is a child able to defend themselves against a grown adult. If dad had kicked an adult, he'd have been charged with assault.
Yes Jose, that's why hospitals spent millions yearly on masks. Just for s**t and giggles...
Load More Replies... I find myself in complete awe when I have had the opportunity to watch my daughter being a mother to her daughter! She does it her way, which at times is very different from mine... But that's what makes it so great! I love being with my grand daughter and gave been blessed up until now to have been able to spend lots of time with her making our own memories! I do my best to respect her rules and to keep her schedule because my grand daughter knows the rules and is comfortable and needs her schedule. I love and respect my daughter and have been given the gift of being the person to be there to watch her grow, and become the woman she is today! I am very proud of her and I tell her so.
What a hostile one sided article. How about encouraging open communication instead of driving a wedge between families? Grandparents are not the enemies some of you seem to think.
I don’t think you’ve read the article at all. Boundaries are a part of open communication. If grandparents can’t adhere to boundaries, then they certainly aren’t a loving, encouraging environment for a child to be in.
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Grand parent then can choose to send the inheritance to the charity. Because it's a privilege and not a right. .......
What boundaries did your adult child set that you repeatedly violated and lost your grandchild visiting privileges? Attitudes like yours are why I just laughed when my father wrote me out of his will. Even if he changed his mind and left me something, I'd donate it to charity myself. I neither need nor want anything from him any longer.
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Idk where these folks live but in Canada a relationship with grandkids does have legal protection and grandparents can file for access rights. Just saying, when you declare it's "not a right" it's a good idea to have done your homework on Family Law. That said I'm 100% behind firm and clear boundaries and consequences for toxic behavior.
It states in the article that it's in the US. We don't have grandparents rights in the United States. We have been working towards getting them passed because so many grandparents are already raising their grandchildren because the parents are in some way, incapable of doing so. And when a day comes and a parent comes back and demands their child after having no contact for years, the grandparents have no legal rights to stop it even though they have been the ones raising the children and the parents are really not capable. So we're working on getting laws passed to protect rights for grandparents.
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My mother-in-law raised a wonderful son but she never liked me. For example, She didn’t like our wedding invitations so had them re-done for her side. She wanted to be invited to my family’s lake house but then refused the invitation because she had a hair appointment that day. For three years I jumped through every hoop imaginable because she was my sweet husband’s mother. I was always wrong no mater what I did. Then I had a baby that she felt she was entitled to. She never did figure out that you don’t p**s off the mother of your grandchildren!
Some of the best parenting advice ever given to me was from my sweet mother and my mother in law. On occasion, I might have had to put my foot down and say something to the effect of, "but I already said no", or ,"after dinner", but I tried to remember not to be insulting. As parents, we're doing the hard work of raising the youngsters. As grandparents, we get to reap a few rewards. I agree, parents make the rules and grandparents should respect those boundaries. However, parents should always teach their children that grandma and grandpa deserve respect and it should be taught by example from their parents. Believe me, I've seen a few grandparenting examples, I, myself would never emulate. Fortunately, my children had four amazing grandparents. I've been in the shoes of parents raising kids. The person writing this article has yet to be a grandparent.
How many are and will continue to be well into the future? There will always be a mixed bag of parenting types.
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I was too young and abused when I had mine. My mother trashed my relationships and boundaries. Taken 20 plus years to heal that. Never will fully heal. Alienated affections, made life hell, rough.
Never say never, keep working on the healing process. It was a long time of abuse and then coming to grips with what happened to you and then trying to heal from a bad place. We continue to grow and heal every day, so don't give up or think the healing process is done because it's not. It will continue to get better if you want it to. The real goal is to have peace within yourself and that takes a long time but you can achieve it. Just don't give up on yourself. Forgiving is difficult but it's not really for the ones who hurt you it's for yourself . That's when you can achieve peace.
Load More Replies... So at least in California, grandparents having relationships with this grandchildren is a RIGHT and not a privilege. Grandparents have the right to take their kids to court and sue for visitation. People need to stop being immature a-holes and talk with each other and openly express boundaries and concerns....those kids are the only ones being punished and learning bad skills from their parents.
I am so glad I dont live in California then. My parents will not once be allowed around my children. I'm not letting my children be exposed to the absolute and total toxicity and abuse my parents put me through. I was shoved down a flight of stairs as a punishment as a kid, and that's not even the worst of it. My kids aren't being punished not being able to know their grandparents. They'll certainly know my partners parents. But they won't know the abuse, the manipulation, the narcissism, the suffering I was put through as a child. Never. They will know love, and what it is to be cherished.
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I had my grandkids constantly, I potty trained 3 of them, they youngest in 2020, I usually never said no to my daughter, I watched them while she went on a 14 day cruise. Well, last may 2021 I said no, my daughter and I share a birthday, my husband wanted to do something with me on my birthday, my husband and I ended up watching our granddaughter, but my daughter was already ticked, a couple things happened, my granddaughter and I went out over the weekend and bought my daughter a couple of garden plants she wanted but when she came to pick up my granddaughte, she couldn't take them, so she started over on another day, she was texting me and all I asked was, are you driving? She accused me of being negative and she was just not nice, so I told her i think it would be better she came over another day, well, yea all of a sudden I don't respect her boundaries, I haven't seen the grandkids since June 2021, she refused to discuss anything. Well her choice, it hurt of course,
Its 2022, I've been physically disabled since 2007, I miss my grandchildren, they miss me. But, I guess when they get older they can visit. I hope therapist understand its not always whats portrayed. When my daughter needed clothes for the kids. Boots for the kids anything, I would get wjat she asked. My daughter obviously, doesn't respect my boundaries. But, im good, my sons told me I am more than welcomed anytime and they include me on day trips and a upcoming Disney trip. My daughter and what I see here is just angry children taking their anger out through their kids towards their parents. Its always been some grandparents that go overboard, not all of us. My daughter has definitely jumped on this band wsgin in a unhealthy way, tbe last Lash out, im good communication has ceased. Good luck to her.
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You might be surprised to learn about grandparent rights. It's a thing! Grandparents in many states can sue for visitation, especially if they don't get to see their grandchildren following a divorce, death, or separation. Arkansas, Delaware, Wisconsin, Virginia, Rhode Island, Maine, and Hawaii.all have grandparent rights laws, but there are other states where a grandparent can ask for a visitation order and it will be weighed based on the best interest of the child.
Our wills actually state that grandparents and family are too have no contact and no rights. We even videotaped it. Our son's godmother will raise him.
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My sister decided to completely randomly cut off all contact with myself and our father shortly before she became pregnant, dad has never met his grandson and neither of us has any idea why she cut off contact. I can understand a "my kids my rules" situation but sometimes it really is just the mother's/father's whismy that stops the grandparents interacting with their grandkids.
Did she have a new boyfriend? Some people are easily brainwashed. I have a niece that was. We were extremely close as a family and then she started seeing this guy and she stopped talking to everyone, even me. And then we met him and I knew immediately that he was brainwashing her. He wouldn't let her talk or answer questions and she didn't look at anyone and she had been a chatty Cathy and vivacious young woman who was outgoing and stood up for herself and others and she wasn't allowed to speak or look at us and I don't believe in violence but I wanted to hurt this young man! Her life has been destroyed! And she said he owns her and their child!
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I was born in 1950. 3 kids (now 41, 42 and 44). Two grandchildren. I can't fathom sharing parent responsibilities. (Been there. Done that. Back then (1970s) we used one rule: "Be Kind." Easy to remember.) So now i told 'em if they needed regular childcare, find someone else. We'd be fun grandparents. 2x/month we'd babysit while they went out. Using the "Be Kind" rule. Lived w/them for 2 years. Guest bedroom/sitting room with sleeper sofa and a bathroom. Installed a locked hallway door, with a "Grandma's Apartment" sign. It was our own "apartment" /haven. WE furnished that room to OUR taste and comfort. We paid for all household food and utilities, and paid for their childcare center. No rent. They did the cooking. The kids "delivered" dinner to "Grandma's Apartment", we'd tip them, and they'd leave. After dinner we'd go clean their kitchen and at bedtime we'd read to the kids and then go back to our apartment. Wednesdays were "open house." We'd all be welcome everywhere. 😁
I never wanted kids, I can't handle the screaming and the work it takes. I recognize that I'm not made to be a parent, and I build my life knowing it's a me thing. I have a lot of respect for parents to do the things I'm mentally and physically unable and unwilling to do. They do a lot. I feel like if I did have kids though, and I was a grandparent, I'd still have this mentality. Respect for an adult doing a lot of work. I don't understand this entitlement at all. Coming from a dysfunctional and not-on-purpose abusive household, I can attest authoritarian behavior only leaves scars and promotes pushing away the person you're lording over.
I get what you're saying but screaming children are the parents' fault. My DH and I never screamed at each other or the children and vice-versa. Our home was extremely quiet for a home of 5 people in it. Even the sound of TV when we finally got one was on low and never unattended.
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My first granddaughter was just born on Mothers Day a couple months ago. My daughter was an only child and we are extremely close. My daughter told my wife, her mother, that she slept well when we there because she was worry free and we were the only people she felt that way about. My wife has multiple degrees in early child care and was a preschool principal and is an expert in child care. I’m just the Dad and I told my daughter she was still my baby and my job was still to take care of her so I do laundry, dishes, housekeeping and laundry and wash her car for her. Everyone is happy with this arrangement.
You wish to take those responsibilities on of your adult daughter but it is not your job.
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Because in those kind of situations, no equal communication is given to each members of the family. So what starts as a discussion to try to improve things ends up in another argument where most of the time only the elders are allowed to speak, probably not the first argument, and surely not the last one. In social media though, you can be reassured by the fact others people think the same as you do, and therefore it's not just that you are "wrong and crazy".
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Yeah, because new parents have so much more knowledge about raising integrated kids. The "lingo" in this article ignores the reality that child behavior is unchanged over centuries, and experience beats a self centered learning curve.
Just depends on wether you are actualy thinking about how to be a great parent, better than yours at least, or wether it's just what you claim to do so you seem right and fair to others people, wether it's the case or not. Once more, ego is the source of this issue.
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When I read all of the stuff Millenials have to say — so jealous of boomers — I am glad I never had children and even happier I don’t have to interact with such a bunch of self-important a-holes.
Grandparents are the matriarch and patriarchs of the extended family and their job is to keep the family together, give counsel and help in times of duress. Yes you can set boundaries but don't throw away an important relationship like this.
A relation is not a job, and in 2022, there is no such thing as a matriarch or patriarch anymore, because your status in family doesn't link with your ability to manage a family.
Load More Replies... Ofcourse there are boundaries that should be respected, but I think that children need grandparents and are entitled to have a relationship with them. It wouldn't hurt for parents to be a little more strict with children either.
Being strict has to come with fair and equal communication, involving maturity and not age, but yes, when and if possible, grandkids should be able to see their grandparents if two conditions are met. 1st is if they wish, second is if the grandparents are comprehensive and not toxic.
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Well for the guy who says kids don't need grandparents. Tell that to my grandsons and I bet they would disagree. If it were not for grandma they would be in foster care. So be careful how you treat the grandparents, you never know if you may need them. To them I am still grandma, but my job is now mom.
You know your situation is not what he was talking about
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I wish my mother gave a s**t about her grandchild. She has little contact, doesn't bother with time, gifts or pretty much anything, she lived a couple of hours away. She made the choice to have this relationship, when she's deemed to see her grandchild, she acts (yes its all an act!) like she's completely inept so much so that we won't leave them alone in case our child is harmed. She was an ahole of a parent too. So I wish my mil was closer, she would be in 7th heaven to know her only grandchild half a world away. Boundaries are a must, a sad, painful must.
It is better suited to find understanding. It's important for children to learn about their lineage. Set up the parameters. Adjust for tolerance. Evaluate. Recalibrate. If unable to do that reevaluate and readjust. I fear this trend will lead to our future not recognizing our past and we'll lose the stories and experiences that has led us to this point. Take it for what it is. Each generation gets better so long as there is understanding. This proposed method seems to undercut the grandparents who ironically led to the upbringing of the parents enforcing a seemingly extreme approach.
My grandparents brought me up from the age of 4. Children DO need grandparents and to say they don't is woke c**p. Try harder.
Because you obviously had an healthy relation with your grandparents does not mean it's the same for everybody, children don't need toxic grandparents, but they should still see them when their grandparents are sane and comprehensive.
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I see entitled kids now "taking it out on" their parents. 17 years ago today my wife died and left behind five kids-2 in diapers and one with cancer. Her mom wasa God send who helped so much. We didn't always agree about how to deal with the kids but to regard her or any grandparent as about as necessary as a case of "gonorrhea" exposes how immature & mean spirited some parents are today. To term their relationship with the grandchildren a "privilege" suggests that these young parents were spoiled rotten or else resented some strict parenting that they badly needed. Somebody must have had their ear growing up or when they were young adults and were indoctrinating them against parental authority (think woke teachers subverting their relationship with mom & dad). Hopefully they will have the wisdom to see how thoughtless their outlook is before the grandparents die of neglect in a nursing home and the parents are tossed out as trash by their you tube educated kids
Everyday I am thankful for being a grandma. Everyday, my daughter in laws send pictures of the little ones or I get to look after them. When you have sons, the most important job of a grandma is to be friends with your daughter in laws. Respect their parenting and their rules. Love them and be there when you are needed. Nothing else.
I am one of those children who moved states away to make more space between my parents and my children. Their chronic lack of respect for boundaries and our rights as the parents, ultimately cost them visiting rights and my children’s respect. Time after time, they put my kids in hazardous environments and then told us to relax, they were watching them, they knew what they were doing. My parents lost two children in their home to sids and my oldest brother to drugs. In my opinion, they had their opportunity and they struggled with success. It is my responsibility to raise my children both psychologically and physically safe. My children are my first priority and my parents approval or feelings fall somewhere after my kids and my marriage. My children have 2 other sets of grandparents that have earned many opportunities to see the grandchildren. My kids now teens prefer to not spend time alone with my parents due to the added stress they bring to their lives.
SIDS is NOT caused by neglect. You just disrespected every parent who lost a child this way. Drug addiction isn't the parents fault either. What a horrible, uneducated and thougtless comment.
Load More Replies... Dang...I feel people need to understand that know one is perfect. If most of you feel you are a better parent than your parents, than you have some growing up to do. Because no one....no one is perfect. And you all need to realize that your sweet precious babies will grow up too. And they will think you are crazy and don't know how to parent.
Nobody in here has claimed or though to be perfect, people in here are just trying to be a better example to their children than their parents. And because childrens will grow up and might have a different way of thinking about education does not mean they think their parents are not good parents, it just depends on how fair and close parents choose to be with their children.
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I was never close to my grandparents and as my kids grew I made sure I would be there for my grandkids. They come in and throw off their shoes, grab their stuff that's here and settle in. This is an extension of their home, but things are a bit more lax. They know that there is a different speed here. I tend to them more, do things for them more because I can .I'm not exhausted from a 40hr work week and having kids all the time. I make sure they know that. Coming to Nana and Grandpa's is a treat. We make cookies and play with slime and Play-Doh, which isn't allowed at their house. It stays here. You can have 2 sets of rules if you have communication and respect for each other.
tl;dr: "Stay at home mom wants to be influencer, repeats s**t we already knew while showing cleavage for profit."
I'm a younger boomer. My dad was very abusive to me and my mom was totally apathetic to it. I had no incentive to allow my daughter to spend any time with them. She's grown now and doing fine. I have no regrets. Millennial parents: do your thing. My generation grew up believing that authoritarianism is normal. IT'S NOT!
In CA (ya, I know) grandparents can be awarded visitation rights by the courts.
I'm not sure wether or not I would be "allowed" or "expected" to respond to this since I'm still a teen living with my mother, we kicked my father many times. But not only can it be hard to deal with millenials when you are fron Gen Z, but my mother is actualy from Gen X, almost Boomer ll, so you can imagine the difficulties when co-existing. She thinks I still don't want to have a child but the truth is I did not want one in the past because I saw her and my dad fail me and my three siblings one after the other, only I am the only one to still resist her unsane education which values age more than maturity, tolerance and open-mind, just because "that's how she were being raised" and "she would get slapped if they did not co-operate without responding". Result is she has a fake idea of respect, one that goes one way only, towards her, because she is older and therefore "more experienced", as she would say, she simply feels superior to every generations younger than her, to the point
where she uses completly irrational and idiotic statements which says every choices the young generations have made are horrible, such as the fight for the queer community, against global warming and climate change, against bullying, and for peace, saying it's "making us weak". Off course when someone dares affirm she is wrong, such as me, the person is called egocentric or someone who affirm they "know everything and always are right". She insulted me thousands of time because I would cry from her insults against my generation and communities more than about her problems. I always loved the idea of boundaries in any relationships, as well as agreements, because it means there is communication taking place and both sides are being heard, and not just fake communication where the parent says they are "considering" your point of view but are actualy not even thinking about it. I just want my future kids to know I'm listening to them and actualy putting deep care and importance into their
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Stupidest article with the most ignorant "experts" of all time...
As a millennial, I believe this is b******t. Obviously every relationship needs boundaries. Unfortunately that's not what my generation really wants... they want grandparents to do everything that is demanded of them to be able to have the "privilege" of seeing their grandchildren. This contradiction in this article is palpable. It reads like an article on the "onion!" These boundaries are highly unfair to the grandparents. They are expected to babysit whenever the parents want, pay for educations, and extracurricular activities etc. While following every rule, respect every parenting practice, make no waves in the relationship, or they risk losing the "unnecessary" relationship they have with their grandkids. That is the definition of an abusive relationship! Considering their are 2.7 million grandparents in the US raising their grandkids I think they deserve a little more than this article suggests.
I see way more insults than arguments in your respond, especialy since this article did not talk about any "babysitting expectations", the only thing younger generations are asking for is for their elders to respect their choices in education and not interfere in their education in a negative way, not to pay for anything or else pay the consequences like you are suggesting.
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Stop using the word toxic!! Disagreement is normal in most homes but I adored my grandparents and my in-laws, their help was irreplaceable!!!
Toxic is appropriate, you might have had a tolerant relationship with your grandparents and in-laws, even with the disagreements, but it doesn't mean everyone here had this kind of healthy realtions. If they are describing their relations as toxics, it means it has reached this point. Their experiences, their choices of words.
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She's just another tool. Basically treating kids like they're equals. The kids that disrupt the whole class throwing a fit. That's her kids. Lol.
Those kids you're talking about wouldn't be dirupting anyone if they were well-educated and if they knew they were trusted and understood in the first place.
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A lot of parents say "my kids my rules" but have benefitted from significant effort and sacrifice from boomer parents. After help is offered, accepted and the kids benefit, parents can swoop in, claim all glory and then flip the grands off at the slightest suggestion of an alternative view-- this from grands who do not pose a security issue to neither grandkid nor parent. A parent got very angry when told that "theres nothing I can do" is not actually true. Kids don't always have to decide how much screen and phone time they should have. An idea is to set limits on usage. A parent of an 11 y.o. was given this suggestion and responded unfavorably. Turned out the honor student was exposed to pornography online and appeared to develop, at that age, an addiction. All because the parent felt the boomer should "mind their business," Listen, some grands are toxic and unsafe. Others watch in horror at the new age narcissim and self absorption of parents. Also, It Takes A Village.
You are absolutely wrong when you state that grandparents have no rights to their grandkids in the United States. When my mentally ill son, who kept me from my grandchildren, divorced their mother I went to court and got grandparents rights. Dispute him hating that I had contact with them I was able to talk to them on the phone and visit them on a regular basis. When my sister's daughter died in a freak accident the father of her grandson remarried and his new wife wanted to erase my sister from her grandson's life. She went to court and got grandparents rights. He is 10 years old now and she will be able to talk to him and visit him until he is 18. So, grandparents do have rights to their grandchildren in this country. Please correct your story.
It depends on what state you live in. We're working to get a national law passed.
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You violated your right's then when the kid's came to your girlfriend house you will steal give your girlfriend kid's to give it to your child ohone,rings and so on
The article is stupid, every situation is different. Half of these people will be running to the grandparents the first time one of the spouses cheat and they split up, will you please watch junior I don't know what I'm going to do. The grandparents being the wonderful people we are will do it. We will know how stupid you acted earlier in this situation.
I'm sorry but really...your going to be upset because the grandparents buy a few extra gifts or share love with them...
There are a**holes in every age group why single out one? Your experience is not every parent's experience.
My brother just had the first baby in our family on May 3, my mom had been watching their dog daily and their wedding and honeymoon last summer. Yesterday was the first day she was allowed to hold the baby because of parental boundaries. Seems like it can be abused. Be careful.
Not true! Grandparents Do have rights in the U.S. many have went to court to get them enforced.
If your child has boundaries when they are with their grandparents you are doing a disservice to that child. Children need a grandparents ❤️. And not to mention you're showing your child how to treat you when they're older.
First of all, here in California located in the United States of America Grandparents DO IN FACT HAVE RIGHTS! Secondly your children aren't bargaining chips so stop treating them as such! I think all these parents that would actually keep their children away from their Grandparents just because they can't get their way are spoiled brats that aren't mature enough to be in charge of raising children to begin with. Grow up!! Grandparents have rights and clearly that's a good thing!
I have a long distance with my grandkids. My sons wife & her parents don't like me or my husband. We got off to bad start. Nothing I do is good enough. So I've accepted that my grandsons will not get to know me or my husband. It really hurts, but my DIL has all the power in their relationship & my son has never nipped her behavior 'in the bud' . He's broken my heart.
I’m not a Boomer, don’t have kids. Therefore no grandkids. But remember that inheritance is a privilege, it is not a right.
P.S STOP CALLING 40 YEAR OLD AND UP BOOMERS!!! Boomers are our parents u dummies!! Google boomers because it was one of the most important historical generations of the 20th century! Education is power remember that people
Ok im really really confused....the pictures of those so called grandparents in this article look pretty darn young to be classified as the BOOMER generation!!??? The boomer generation is in the ages of middle to late 70s by now folks....so either those are some great plastic surgeons for your 70 year old boomer parents or some of you need an education of one the most important generations of the 20th century. And why they are callied boomers? How about research that first and educate yourselves, just cause some tik toker says something kids doesn't mean they are correct and that's what it is now lol
Pontius' parents aren't Boomers. They're gen. X or later. Get it right. It's getting kind of late in the game to blame boomers for everything. There are tons of powerful, greedy, shite head Gen. Xers running and ruining things now.
Omg I was just commetting on the same thing!! Why do they keep calling generation X boomers!!!! Boomers was one of the most important historical events of the 20th century!!! Maybe they should research what boomers are before so many have been saying this same incorrect information!!?? Omg I can't believe how stupid milenials and beyond are gonna be!! Im so glad I'm gen x!! Thank god!!!
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Our 2 grandkids live 5 miles from us. Son and daughter in law know that supporting them and spending time with the grandkids is our number one priority, We respect boundaries like not stopping in unannounced. We're available when needed. Work hard to not be pushy or overbearing. Result is that we see the kids multiple times per week, have a great relationship with our son and daughter in law, and have become friends with her parents as well. Life is good and retirement is great.
How I explained it to my kids... The state says I have to provide you with Food, clothing, shelter and a safe environment. Nowhere does it specify what kind of food, what brand of clothing, how big your area will be or anything else. You follow MY RULES because I specify these things. They also don't say anything about access to internet, a phone, games or how many times I say embarrassing things. You follow the rules because you respect them and the person making these decisions. This is a lesson I call reality, or alternatively "F**k around and find out"
It sounds some what like control and child abuse. They are controlling their children's relationships with their grandparents! That being a hypocrite!
Bunch of spoiled ungrateful people. Your very lucky to have parents who even want have anything to do with you and your bebe kids. New generation is bunch if pursues. Yes I said it. What a joke. Buck up losers.
I think every generation except GenXers is just wrong about most of life and mess it up for everyone. ; )
Here's an idea maybe we shouldn't be taking advice on rules and boundaries from people who can't even set them for themselves when it come to things like self control and healthy eating choices. Meaning I don't need advice from a fat a*s who can't even control their own eating. Let alone shouldn't be telling anyone how to control a child or set boundaries for them.
Be respectful. That is the point of the post. If you respect what a parent asks for their child there should be no issue. If you respect the child there should be no issue. If y respect yourself and time as a grandparent there should be no issue. Coming on here to complain how you feel it's divisive sounds silly to me. Division is ultimately caused by not willing to find middle ground. So for those is you who are good people- good mother's, fathers or grandparents, thank you! For those of you who could do better, do better. Simple.
then enforcing rules through beseeching, love, loving correction, and loving punishment) in an authoritative role to complement the parents/grandparents responsibility under God Almighty. Humanism has put God and His Truth out and made Him separate from humanistic government which results in lawlessness by “everyone doing that which is right in their own eyes (men’s philosophies) rather than according to the foundational truth of God’s whole Word. I pray this will assist your everlasting, eternal souls. Gordon Allen, pianos@shentel.net.
Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life: but teach them thy sons, and thy sons' sons; Specially the day that thou stoodest before the LORD thy God in Horeb, when the LORD said unto me, Gather me the people together, and I will make them hear my words, that they may learn to fear me all the days that they shall live upon the earth, and that they may teach their children. And the LORD commanded me at that time to teach you statutes and judgments, that ye might do them in the land whither ye go over to possess it.” The parent and grandparent need to first of all be on the same page (oneness with the Higher Power) about boundaries of "respecting righteous behaviors" not immoral, humanistic, self-willed lawlessness. Both the parent and the grandparent need to teach and train (apply wisdom by first example, then teaching, and
Looks like the woman showing her immodesty needs more exemplary rules for herself and others. Looks like she wanted other men (or women?) to see her display. It is a privilege, not a right to respect grandparents wise rules when they are to "train grandchildren just as they would their children the difference of righteous or unrighteous behavior, when they are in the supervision of the child." The Higher Power (if you would like to respect Him) says in Deut.4:1,9,10,&14, “Now therefore hearken, O Israel, (the type of righteous government and the Church that are to complement righteous behavior and justice) unto the statutes and unto the judgments, which I teach you, for to do them, that ye may live, and go in and possess the land (a type of heaven wherein dwells righteousness) which the LORD God of your fathers giveth you.
This is just sad when families get to this point. Obviously love and respect was missing from this dynamic for a long time. Maybe even from both sides. Relationships have got a lot of other problems when they get to this point.
First off lets get this straight once and for all. If you're having a baby now your parents arent Boomers they are Gen X.
Not at all, it depends on the year in which they are born, not when their child are having a child. Some have a child at 15, some at 25, others at 35, etc, but the age your parent had when you were born doesn't affect your generation, only the year they had you does.
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"My house, my rules" only really works when all the psychological needs of the children as individuals are met. It is our duty as parents to raise upstanding humans who will grow up and contribute what they may to society. It becomes toxic when used with authoritarian rules and regulations when no reasonable explanations are provided. The more nonsensical rules imposed, the greater the risk of rebellion. On the other hand, the moment our kids don't honor us, and we as parents loose the respect and trust of our kids, it will be a long road to reestablishing the relationship, and dangerous for the kids, as many often become impressionable. We must explain the rules - reasons for imposition, and potential consequences of infringement. Most kids are super intelligent and articulate, if given the credit and the chance to express themselves in a positive manner. They have voices and opinions, too. We must be open minded and accepting of the idea that they may have differing views than our own. We must show them by way of example how to navigate this life, and try to not silence their voices. There are healthy ways, and there are less than ideal ways, and it all hinges on us. Every child is different, and blanket discipline only leads to animosity whether we see it or not. Having rules with no acceptable reasons only harbors confusion and manifests rebellion. I've mostly been a "yes", but have always weighed all the possible scenarios, and engaged alongside them in some cases. If I did not have any acceptable reason to say "no", I explained that, and granted the permission. To this day, my kids (now teens), still come to me with their personal issues, as well as all of their friends. I've effectively become a solid rock foundation for all of them, when their own fathers have dropped the ball. This is a blessing I have willingly accepted from day one. There is much to be said for saying, "Yes", and explaining rules with respect, reason and accountability. Love really is all anyone needs. Don't know what it is? Read, 1 Corinthians 13 (if you aren't religious, just remove the references, and you have a decent guideline for living a good life as a good human).
My children currently have no contact with their grandparents on my side because of serious disrespect of boundaries. When I was in high school I was not allowed to date, only court, in their presence, a suitor of their choice. I was not allowed to move out at 18, even though I had a stable job, bc my parents denied my request, and the church backed them up with threats of discommunication if I rebelled. So I ended up marrying one of said suitors, and he was a Psychopathic abuser. We had two children, and the entire time I lived close to my parents, my mother constantly disrespected me and my decisions as a mother, questioning, no, yelling at me in front of my children about how I was doing this or that wrong. When my children were 3 & 4 I mustered the courage to leave the abusive spouse. I had to move out of state due to threats from the ex, and this is when my own mother showed up at my house, and screamed that I was worse than my ex and that I was sending my kids to hell, IN FRONT T
IN FRONT OF THEM! Needless to say, we don't speak, and haven't for 6 years. My dad defended her, and ever since they've done nothing to try and mend the relationship, only persisted in trying to bull past my boundaries of no contact, attempting contact in every sneaky way possible! I've remarried a wonderful man, and we are happily drama free! My boys are thriving, without their grandparents!
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It'd be interesting to find out what you think about grandparents who are also providing daycare for their grandchildren. If it's in the grandparents house they would have to be a combination of their house rules and the rules of the parents in regards to how they want their child cared for and raised. A lot of grandparents are doing daycare duty because the parents don't want to have to pay the high cost of daycare and they also want a family member involved. That makes a Dynamics a lot more complicated
If my parents are babysitting my 6-year-old it's their rules because they're in charge and I'm not hypocritical enough to trust them to babysit while also demanding they follow my rules. My daughter isn't confused and never has been about the rules between the two houses. Obviously, the health and safety ones are nonnegotiable but if grammy and gramps want to feed her ice cream for supper one meal out of hundreds isn't a big deal. My daughter tried the ice cream for supper once, and my mom was like, "Uh, not in this house. Ice cream is dessert." She got popcorn, apples, and a tuna sandwich which is her favorite dinner at grammy's for some reason.
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One sided article that tries to show the grandparents as the culprit. Try getting the other side in the article next time. There's good and bad parents and grandparents.
I live in Va and there are grandparents rights here. I share custody of mines, so, I don't worry about it. Lol
Bunch of snowflakes on here. Guess what a*****e? Your parents took care of you and are the reason you are here. Yes they have different views because they came from a different era but you can still let them see your kids as long as they aren't putting them in danger. I mean my god your parents say things you don't agree with and you cut them completely off? I'm not even referring to the op I'm referring to the ppl in the comment section because I have seen dozens of ppl being petty as f**k. Grow up and let your kids have grandparents. Like I said as long as they aren't putting them in danger what's the harm of having grandparents? Nobody can have different views without cutting them off lol it's kinda sad
Oh come on. All these boundaries yet she has no problem exploiting their kids for views on TikTok. Also whats with that guy saying kids don't need grandparents? Do they literally need them? No but kids love grandparents I know I did. This mom is a piece of s**t in my opinion. She's lucky I don't have TikTok or else I'd lay into her on there directly. Just can't bring myself to download that useless app. Tried it for one day and I realized 95% of the videos are useless garbage that's not funny. YouTube shorts are wayyyyyy better
Yeah....no. Please write the article on entitled adult children who drop off their babies at Nana's house whenever they want or feel like they need a break AND do it for free every single weekend...
Wonderful article! I have learned and grown so much as a person since becoming a grandparent. If we are open to examining our upbringing (and how it shaped us as people and as parents), and are willing to listen to our children and respect their parenting decisions, there is so much potential for personal growth. I have found it to be a blessing in so many ways.
Idk man this really is a case of every family is different, and this really should be something discussed between the family not plastered all over social media. Anyway I know personally I would've hated my parents if they had cut me off from my grandparents. In school I was never the most outgoing person and that's nobodies fault but my own, so when I need someone I could talk to about life or if I needed advice I would go to my grandparents mainly my grandmother. And as for the grandparents and giving gifts, once again this goes to my own way of thinking, yeah my grandparents always spoiled me with gift on holidays and birthdays but I knew it wasn't an everyday thing and it wasn't the only thing they did. I knew grandparents didn't equal gifts, I knew they did it out of love and wanting me to be happy. Like I said ever family is different, and yes there are the cases of abusive parents that turn into abusive grandparents, it just depends on the situation.
My son is almost 5 and he hasn’t seen my dad since his second birthday because he refused to respect my very reasonable boundary of not spouting his racism and bigotry at my kid. My mom respects the boundary, so she is welcome to visit and have a relationship with my kid. If you’re a grandparent reading this and you don’t have the relationship with your grandkids that you want, the problem isn’t the kid or parents, it’s you. Your kids are adults with children of their own, and that’s where you need to start. We don’t parent the way you did, and we are no longer your underage children. If your kid has come to you with issues they had with the way you raised them, APOLOGIZE. Admit you were wrong and if they give you another chance, realize you’ve been given a GIFT and don’t fork it up. And if you were an abusive POS to your kids, do not be at all surprised if they decide to protect their children and either severely restrict your relationship with their kids or nuke it altogether.
Wow. ENTITLED SPOILED BRATS let's hope you're perfect. Because one day this will come back on you. Children (just like you were) will see how you treat your parents. Let's hope they don't want to put your toxicity back on your head. Your parents were control freaks.. look what you are doing.
Yeah well coming from a generation of people who figured out the world owes them a living, there are more genders than Baskin Robbins got flavors. Still haven't reached a point where they hit that point , where they figured out the experience of the old generation kind of know a little something about how the world really works. Now if there's serious things such as abuse (actual abuse not the kid ate McDonald's) that's a different thing entirely. Yeah the day will come to you have that epiphany....
What is this??? I failed to extract a single valuable nugget of info from this piece. Maybe that's because it trips over itself while expressing "my house, my rules" as "authoritarian" in one breath and "benign" in another. Reading this contradictory c**p will reduce IQ points guaranteed.
Please help: what would you do when the grandparents talk negatively about you (the parent/ their very own birth adult child) to your child/the grandchild (age 10) in a subtle nuance type way but consistently in a negative light? Complete no contact is not an option……suggestions?
Call it out, that’s parental alienation and it’s not at all okay. I’ve found with my MiL that if you keep asking them why they said what they did/explain their statement, they back themselves into a corner and end up looking like the ahole. If you do it every time, they’ll eventually get the message you’re not taking their sh!t.
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Actually there is president in the law allowing grandparents access to their grandchildren
How reckless and ignorant to say that Grandparents don't have rights in the United States... Grandparents in California have the right to petition the Court for visitation.
I'm 28 with 3 daughters under the age of 5. My stepmother (married after I was 20) was extremely like this. She was so bad a DCS worker told me that I couldn't stay living with her and my dad because of her behavior plus how she was acting while the DCS worker was there. It's been almost 2 years and my stepmother STILL makes passive aggressive posts on fb, trustworthy to demand to see my kids, and gets mad at me and my husband whenever we tell her no, don't do things HER way or block her. To be fair she has always had an attitude and a "I do no wrong" attitude for as long as I've known her.
Well a lot of grandparents have to do stuff its because parents nowadays don't even set boundaries for their own kids. I've seen so many kids running around stores, screaming, playing with everything, leaving a mess in isles, throwing tantrums and their parents just allow them to do it without and without any discipline. So I'm actually in support of grandparents if they actually have to step up and actually be the parent because the "so-called parents" can't freaking raise their kids right then yes grandparents should be able to step up and take control.
Pure rubbish.... If my grandkids come to my house and are under my care, they have to adhere to my rules. Otherwise you can come get them. I have no problem if my kids thinks that holding their kids hostage from me is their solution to not agreeing with my rules. I have many other things in my life to do than raise or babysit another set of kids. Ridiculous discussion.
Hey sorry sweetie. “My house my rules“ may very well be an “authoritarian“ approach. And that’s because it’s intended to be. That’s the problem with you people nowadays. You do not see the position of “parent“ as a position of authority. Which is absolutely what it is intended to be. Particularly in early development. Once you’re offspring becomes 16 and 17 and 18 it’s time to begin to assume more of a leadership role. Because they cannot be expected to completely and totally take the reins at 18 without having had some experience at that before hand. But I don’t negotiate with my nine year old. Get down. Because I said so.
Funny, my kid responds GREAT to being treated as a human being with dignity and respect when I explain why he can/can’t do something, and it has the added benefit of him not being terrified of me or my husband.
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Just a little on this for those grandparents who actually help raise grandkids either because of said parents are on drugs or in and out of the kids life. Some of us wud be happy to be just grandparents and it's pretty mean to hold a child over a grandparents head like blackmail. I personally help wholeheartedly with all my grandkids who need me to fill in as an absent parent substitute and I also bmore than willing to help those with responsible parents. I try to the best of my ability to follow the parents guidelines and respect their wishes. I find this article just a tad bit offensive as if some of these kids wish to punish mom and dad. If you grew up in a loving home and just have minor differences don't be disrespectful to your parent who is willing to extend the love to your child. I see your side completely since my own mother is toxic always putting me and my kids father down. I didn't actually realize it till the damage was done. Kudos to responsible parents
I wanted to say something snarky and sarcastic. But I think I'll just say this; People will have opinions you disagree with. Some of those opinions will be about your kids. And some of those opinions will come from people that love you. Dismissing their opinions without consideration, as these people are, will setting these parents up for failure. And you know what, the grandparents that are so maligned by these self-righteous parents, did the same thing and thought they were so much smarter too.
I think there are two separate conversations going on here. People need to realize that people who say things like "grandparents aren't necessary" aren't speaking from a place of a regular, loving home dynamic. Often times they come from homes riddled with abuse and simply want to protect their kids from the same. In this instance, is it really surprising that controlling grandparents who use "my house my rules" with no room for communication as an excuse for everything would basically raise kids who'd do the same? At the same time, people also need to realize that there are a lot of grandkids being kept from good families and good grandparents out of spite because the parents are actually the toxic ones, not the grandparents. I think as a GENERAL rule, kids do need grandparents, positive role models of the older generation, and the loving support systems that come from an extended family but if the grandparents are abusive or dangerous then it is 100% OK to disregard that to keep the kids safe.
Although it's not just related to boomers, including myself and myself, it sure seems like there is a imbalance here. We've had to stop allowing my mother to see my son (4) and she's never seen my daughter (1) because she was seemingly incapable of following basic boundaries like "Please don't kiss or children on their face. With COVID and various harmful infections, we feel it's too much of a risk." After 8 times in a short time, and every time she saw him, and multiple discussions about it, we had to do something. Between that and the sheer disrespect that she gives my wife, their mother, she doesn't get to come around anymore (basically told her she isn't part of the family and telling her what our "family dynamic" is). Which is incredibly sad because she's the only grandparent our children have left. My wife is like: "She doesn't have to like me, I just wish she'd be respectful."
This seems very condescending. It's as if all grandparents are bad people, give bad advice and have no life experience. Not all millennials hate their parents ya know. Our 9 kids even ask for advice sometimes. I know, I know, hard to believe right? Who would ever think someone with 9 children and 17 grandchildren would know anything about raising a child? What a ridiculous concept, right! You are correct in we don't have a right to grandchildren but you can't honestly think using that fact as a weapon because you disagree with your parents is a good thing. It's like you want everyone to be on defense all the time.
Maybe a therapist is a better person to talk to, not some comments section on the internet. Sounds like all these people could benefit from therapy rather than TikTok.
Fk you spoiled hypocritical brats. Your parents gave all for you and to treat your child like a reward for your parents doing what they are told by the children they brought into this world clothed fed. Maybe the boomers should have a borted more of yall. NWO kicks in all of you stupid people will fall with no knowledge on how to survive and all the boomers will be gone and your kids will probably be rhe ones to kill you. Lol
Man, these sensitive, traumatized so called parents need to get over themselves. A grandparent in timeout? Really? Those same grandparents raised YOU. How about showing your brat how to respect their elders, and learn some things from them? Some parents are so broken on their own pathetic little lives, that they think everything that needs to be taught to a child comes from their parent. It's as of these parents now have some sort of revenge on their own parents. It's like saying, I had to live by YOUR rules as a kid, now you have to live by MY rules as a grandparent. Pathetic. Who loses an entire generation worth of life experiences? The child. What a wonderfully pathetic parent you are to use your rules to deprive them of their grandchildren.
What a strange article. You all seem to not like your Moms very much. I have 3 grandkids and I see them a lot and not just for babysitting. In fact I was camping at the Grand Tetons and my daughter flew there (when it was 2 grandkids) to be with me, with the kids. This article shouldnt be about grandkids it should be about your relationship with your children if this is how you all feel.
To truthheals: You need to do your homework before you tell the world that “Grandparents have no rights”. In Colorado, at least, and I believe many other states that have adopted the Federal child protection Code. Grandparents do have “rights” that are enforceable in a Court of Law.
Unapprecative offspring....good luck. The assumption is you're punishing a grandparent by denying them a relationship with your kids....not so much. I say good luck, hope it works out. It's amazing how other parents can appreciate what you the "grandparents" offer, simply increase you efforts with another family; unappreciative child, you can do the same.
Wow!! I feel sorry for all of you having to set boundaries for the grandparents of your children. Obviously your families are dysfunctional. Yes, that's right. Dysfunctional. My husband and I are grandparents of 5 grandchildren and our children do not need to set boundaries for us. We have respect for our children. We always discuss things where it matters most and we take their advice, follow their instructions, anything they ask of us is done respectfully. We done our job as parenting, now we get to enjoy our grandchildren with much less stress. It is mutual and we all look forward to family gatherings because we all enjoy our times together. So, there is something definitely wrong with your family dynamics.
This is how I am with my daughter. Yeah there are some things she does differently but I respect that and it was an automatic reflect to do so. My daughter likes to use a method of distraction on my grandson and it works. I didnt raise a dummy ;)
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These people are literally talking about my mom. Our relationship wasn't perfect when I was younger. But when I had my first daughter, she felt as if she needed to take over being mom. Once I moved out of her apartment at 20. She still intended to control my every move and my daughter. Not to mention she only cares about my oldest. Also when I tell her my daughter is lactose (is she has too much dairy she shits and pukes everywhere) she ignores my demands and still proceeds to give her dairy items. When I was living with her she would constantly buy my daughter fast food. I told her she needs to cut back because my daughter was 3 and overweight. Then when I go to the doctors they tell me my daughter is close to having diabetes. Then I tell my mother. She hits me with that my house my rules. And that's when I knew I had to get out for MY KIDS safety. It doesn't matter who it is keep your kids safe!
Sounds like all of these parents and grandparents have quite a few things to work out between themselves, before they can even consider dealing with grandparent, grandchild challenges. These do not appear to have anything to do with Millennial / Boomer challenges but family challenges. Quit blaming generational differences, they have been present from the dawn of time and will be in the future
It has taken a number of years to get my parents to understand that they are not Santa or the Easter bunny anymore, the batton has passed to us now as the parents. And they can most certainly buy 1 or 2 gifts. But the magic of those seasons is now with us to give to our children.
Hey guys have some questions. Is this suggesting it's better to have kids who's grandparents don't sneak privilages to the grandkids? Also, are we suggesting that to navigate the overstepping of the people we presumably love who raised us is somehow unhealthy for us or our children? I have to say I think thats wrong. We grow stronger when we are challenged by people in our life. I cherish my grandad having philosophic conversations about all his crazy s**t over a chess game. Or my grandma constantly dogging my parents for not baptizing me, which have ne my first education in Christian control. He was a drunk and I used to drive him to the liquor store before I was old enough to drive. Disobedience was a skill I leaned from them, which it sounds like yall are suggesting is bad. Just my thoughts, I think a little less control is a good thing. I'm 37 with an 18yo and a6.5 month old
I didn’t know there was a name for my parenting style, or my parent’s, but her scenario and mine are the same. And I believe when I become a grandparent, I’ll be excited to see the ways that my kids improve upon my parenting. If we do it well, that would mean every generation gets a little kinder, a little more compassionate, maybe more empathetic and driven to do more and be better. Great article!
My mother in law is always wanting alone time with my kid. I understand that she just want to make memories. But she is overly obsessed with wanting him alone. If he did go up there by himself he would always be super irritated. I don't let him have unsupervised visit anymore. Just was having bad feelings.
That's funny all this talk about grandparents having no rights until of course, the grown kid needs free daycare or how about, in this economy, wanting to move on lol sounds to me like a whole lot of grown adults forgetting where they come from and actually abusing the position grandparents play in society. Remember this, grandparents can walk away too, both to the ungrateful child they raised with those selfish concepts these people claim to and can also say no, when same grown adult kids ask for that help that could be a loan or place to stay or that free childcare that I see 70 percent of grandparents giving these days
I agree that parents have the first word and that grandparents should be respectful of them. My issue is with the statement that all boomers are "my house, my rules". Yes some boomers are like that, but as a boomer, I wasn't like that and have a good relationship with my daughter and granddaughter. Most of my peers are the same. Why do we blame a whole generation for the way some act. It's individuals not the whole generation.
Grandparents should listen to their children about as much as their children listened to them. And some state have legal Grandparents rights.
I had to set boundaries with my parents, to the point that they lost the privilege to see their grandkids until the kids were grown. When my kids turned 19, (age of consent in Canada) I told my kids that they could re-establish a relationship with their grandparents if they so choose. They chose not to, with 2 of their grandparents, because they are incredibly toxic. They only see their step-grandpa who respects, and honours boundaries and he's the only one who's been able to see them grow up after my mother, his wife passed in 2003. Boundaries work, use them.
No, you can't jump on the couch because you could damage my couch! My couch, my rule. I couldn't care less how you learn the cause and effect of injuring yourself kid; go break your leg outside!
When our son died 6 years ago all access to our granddaughter died with him. Our ex-daughter-in-law signed her parental rights over to her mother and that has been that. We can only hope that one day when she is old enough she will have questions. They usually do.
If the Grandparents told me "my house my rules" then I would tell them "you can only see them in my house!" That way it's "my house my rules" and you will do what I say or GO HOME!!!
You Millenials think that it is only your generation that is having that problem? Think again. I am a Boomer and I had that with my Depression Baby (or whatever they call the generation before me) parents and inlaws. So before you say anything about the Boomers, ask yourself if they had the same problem when they were your age.
I never knew my grandmas, they both died before I was born and met my dad's dad few times. Mom's dad I met, but he was traumatized by the Winter war and was an alcoholic and chain smoker, which caused his death when I was 12 y.o. As a grand parentless kid: it is a privilege for anyone to know their grant parents and I miss mine every day. My dad's mom raised 11 kids, gave birth in the sauna and the next day returned to the fields to work. My mom's mom was Lotta in the war and took care of suffering and dying soldiers. I respect them both so much. I don't really appreciate the tone which grand parents are discussed about. I know parents today mostly raise their kids to be these snowflakes, with every kid having birth right to everything they could ever want and damn if anyone dares to question that. Thank god I'm not having kids. Ever.
Glaring error, many states DO have grandparent laws for visitation rights. Ohio does for certain and I know many grandparents who have gotten legal custody and visitation with it. All this entitlement and attitude makes me glad that I was raised Gen-X by Silent Generation parents.
The undertone of anger from these people is stifling.. Almost as if they want to say "Aha! Now I am in control over you, and you will do as I say or no grandchildren!" What an ugly, petty way to be.
Probably my kids won't have kids. That's fine with me, kids aren't the greatest thing anyway. I love mine, but could've lived without them just as well or better.
I'm 53 and my parents were about 15 years older, than my (ex) in-laws. My parents had a very clear understanding of boundaries, when it came to one's home, or "parents' rights." They basically followed my parenting rules (bedtimes, what to wear to play, etc.) when the children were with them. But they also made it clear, that as grandparents, you have the right to spoil your grandchildren to your heart's content(obviously 😁). We had respect for each other, which means that you recognize each other's "house rules". My in-laws, on the other hand, basically wanted their opinion and way of life to be respected and acted on... no matter whose house they were in at the time. They have never held any of my rules, when the children were with them, but always expected everyone to abide by their rules. For example: A 2 year old should know not to touch furniture, as children always have dirty hands!!
My family raised my nephew for the first several years of his life because we didn't want the father to know he was his due to a history of abuse and my sister couldn't make it on her own and I had asked my sister not to have an abortion because I can't have children and I would adopt him or help her raise him even though I had just turned 18 but we feared my dad would literally kill her, it's just the way he was. But they were actually supportive and happy to be grandparents so we raised him together and then they moved in with me until they could get their own place. But I was mom#2. And he was indulged, spoiled and completely adored! My sister was very passive but I'm not! I laid down the rules as far a grandparent rules because my parents had been abusive but I stopped that when I was 17 so they couldn't abuse my baby brother and they could not cause anymore harm because I demanded they get treatment! So they had rules to follow even though it was their home it was my sister's son.
I have a little bit complicated relationship with my father and my step mother (his second wife) but they can see my kids ANYTIME they want. It's dirty to blackmail someone thru children. My inlaws totaly ignore any rules we (me and my husband) tried to set...but so what 🤷🏻♀️ at the end of the day who should spoil the kids if not their grandparents 🙃
If the grandparents are interfering in a negative way then that can be changed. If the adult kids are not doing something bad to their kids then grandparents need to step back and respect that their adult kids have a different style.. However, you are mistaken when you say that seeing your grandkids is a privilege and not a right. Unless the grandparents are alcoholic or drug addicted or are thieves or have filthy language they have the legal right to see their grandkids. At least in New York they do.
Stop using the term Boomer. Your parents parents were Boomers, not your parents.
Not always. My parents are boomers, born in 1964. I'm 22.
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I'm so glad this is becoming a trend. It's important that kids learn from example that having boundaries is healthy, you don't have to put up with people breaking them, and mom/dad are going to stick up for themselves (and the kid) when someone breaks them. Many of us were taught that it's rude to set boundaries and even ruder to speak up or remove ourselves when our boundaries are violated - it took me a long time to unlearn that. One of the things I did was I started thinking: would this behavior be acceptable if this person were not related to me? If the answer was no, then it wasn't acceptable, period.
Reap what you sow, I hope your kids treat you the same when you become grand parents to there kids, but this article is right about one thing, it's a privilege to have grand parents that want to be apart of your family, not a right.
Also, unsolicited advice.. If I didn't ask for it, don't give me parenting advice. I'm perfectly capable myself, and if I'm stuck and want your opinion I'll ask for it. My mom is an "advice giver" and I don't wanna hear it. She was way too stricked and I didn't like her growing up. I don't want that for my own children, thank you very much.
To a large degree, I agree. At the same time, if the new parent wants to get into some oddball powertrip, only a fool would engage. I'm to be a first time grandfather at the end of September. I will definitely respect my daughter and son-in-law's parenting. However, if it turns out to be too difficult to deal with I will just not subject myself to it more than I can handle. That especially goes for them coming to my house. Or if I'm to babysit.
I raised my children with love and compassion as a grandmother I am blessed with 7 grandchildren.All are in my life and I love with all my being.There are no rules I respect my children they were my greatest accomplishment in life my oldest granddaughter is 29 my youngest is 12.Being a grandmother is seeing your childrens accomplishment seeing happiness love a precious little blessing they gave life to happiness no rules just unconditional love.
That sounds nice, but if I had been your grandson you would have quickly understood the need for rules and firm boundaries. I was my grandma's favorite. but she also would refer to me as a "little pill" at times because I was ornery my first half dozen or so years. Knowing that my grandma had stricter rules than my parents had was a good thing. Something that I was happy to abide by. I wanted to please my grandma, and in the end, it's as if there weren't any rules. 😊
Load More Replies... I can see where some grandparents go overboard, and also where some are not even involved in their grandkids lives. Has always been like this. My two sets of grandparents were on each side. On another note, for an article that complains about having to put up with "My house my rules" growing up, this is all about "My house my rules".
Not true about privilege. Some states have grand parents rights and you can fight for it in a court of law.
My parents already had lisa's shtick worked out. They were 'my house, my rules' people who followed up with 'when you have your own house you can make your own rules'. That was the only 'explanation' needed. We had rules, not boundaries and we all turned out just fine.
And we wonder why kids don't have any manners or respect these days. Y'all out her trying to be friends with these kids, they don't need friends they need parents and grandparents....it takes a village but the village isn't about to kiss ya a*s and do things your way. You want to keep the kids away fine, but you're hurting them more than ya parents.
The Boomer generation ended about 1964 so these grandparents were having kids really late in life to only be having grandkids now. Maybe your next article can be on Gen X: the forgotten generation.
That’s less than 60 years ago. Having kids at 30 two generations in a row isn’t particularly late.
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It literally doesn't matter, the PARENTS made a REASONABLE request, which was then disrespected. You cannot continue to trample boundaries then be sooo shocked when you lose your PRIVILEGES.
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I raised my grandbaby for first 2 yrs of life. When my daughter was ready and able to parent him, the parenting style was automatically deferred to her. It was great being the one to follow instead of lead and just be Grandma!! She knows I do my level best to keep to their schedule when he visits, and follow dietary instructions so he's not a grouchy booger when he goes home. I'm very lucky that she does allow for some special mischief at Grandma's.... a reasonable leeway of 'at Grandma's you get to eat Gummy Bears and play with finger paint!' Hey, Grandparents! You had your turn, now just enjoy the ride! 🥰👍🏻
Many, many moms out there wish they had a mom like you. My kids are 16 and 4. The youngest has no clue about my parents because I haven’t spoken to them in years. When it hits him that Dad has parents but Mom doesn’t, I’m going to honest with him. I want my kids to grow up knowing how to set boundaries, not have to figure it out when they’re 30 like I did.
Load More Replies... My mother was a 'tiger mom'. She believed that parenting required a certain amount of physical and emotional discipline. It did not work. Instead it turned me into a fragile, self-conscious, self-doubting, self-loathing individual. I refuse to let her do this to my child so while I allow her to have a relationship with my son, I am VERY protective of how she interacts with him.
I'm sorry you went through that but you seem to be handling it well and are very wise. Sometimes people are broken and damaged and need help to be fixed, if possible. My parents were after I forced them into treatment because I wasn't going to allow them to do what they did to me, to my baby brother! And I was going to be moving out soon and he needed to be safe. We have to look out for the little ones.
Load More Replies... It's actually my kid, my rules, not just my house. If that doesn't work at their place, I can't control their home, but I absolutely can control if my kid goes there. Same for their presence anywhere at all, if you can't follow the rules anywhere, we can't see you anywhere. Yeah, we try to make the rules reasonable, but the few we do have are not up for discussion.
Sounds like an ego problem. Humans are social beings. We are meant to be in trubes and have strong large family ties. All your teaching your kid to do is to dishonor you as their parent, because of the example you set in the way you treat your parents. Feel bad for your kid.
Load More Replies... My sister has an awful relationship with her daughter. She's emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive. The other day, talk of my niece getting married prompted talk of her having kids. Without missing a beat, my b***h of a sister said "Well since I'll be the grandma, will have no choice but to let me see that child." And I said "That won't be your kid. It'll be 's choice who sees this baby IF she decides have kids." And my b***h of a sister said "It doesn't matter what wants, that's MY grandchild and I'm entitled to see my grandchildren. Even if I have to sneak in and tell later that I have the kids." I mean, first of all my niece isn't pregnant at all. Second, the ENTITLEMENT is what made me laugh at her. Just because you're the grandparent, you have authority over the baby? This is why my niece doesn't want a relationship with her. My b***h of a sister does not see what she says and does is wrong.
Does she even realise that she’s pretty much admitted that she would be willing to kidnap a child, which is very illegal and could result in very bad consequences for her? Like no wonder her daughter wants nothing to do with her if she’s contemplating literal crime out loud in front of other people regarding said hypothetical child….
Load More Replies... My mother kept crossing boundaries when my son was about 2 1/2. Had been since he was born. It came down to undermining my parenting and disregarding any country/rule set. At this particular point I find out my baby was in a moving vehicle without a car seat. "We didn't have car seats in our day/when you were little" All communication/visitation came to a halt for 5 years. What does my mom do during those 5 years? Continuously call police and CPS on me. No problems were ever found and she faced legal action for false reports. Now we lived hours away and rarely ever speak.
That's very sad for you. You shouldn't have to go through that.
Load More Replies... Totally agree with this. We have very clear boundaries, one that has caused my mum to not see her grandchild since October last year. She was taking care of them for the day and they went out to a shopping centre. My kid asked for a mask, as they were still being cautious, mum refused to give them one and said that they weren't needed (yes mum is a covidiot). Kid then refused to enter the shopping centre until they had a mask, mums friend gave them one. Kid has since refused to see grandma until she grows up and respects peoples wishes. Why is my kid more sensible than grandma? I also won't ever let my dad take care of the kids as he once kicked my nephew and said he deserved it, since when is a child able to defend themselves against a grown adult. If dad had kicked an adult, he'd have been charged with assault.
Yes Jose, that's why hospitals spent millions yearly on masks. Just for s**t and giggles...
Load More Replies... I find myself in complete awe when I have had the opportunity to watch my daughter being a mother to her daughter! She does it her way, which at times is very different from mine... But that's what makes it so great! I love being with my grand daughter and gave been blessed up until now to have been able to spend lots of time with her making our own memories! I do my best to respect her rules and to keep her schedule because my grand daughter knows the rules and is comfortable and needs her schedule. I love and respect my daughter and have been given the gift of being the person to be there to watch her grow, and become the woman she is today! I am very proud of her and I tell her so.
What a hostile one sided article. How about encouraging open communication instead of driving a wedge between families? Grandparents are not the enemies some of you seem to think.
I don’t think you’ve read the article at all. Boundaries are a part of open communication. If grandparents can’t adhere to boundaries, then they certainly aren’t a loving, encouraging environment for a child to be in.
Load More Replies... Grand parent then can choose to send the inheritance to the charity. Because it's a privilege and not a right. .......
What boundaries did your adult child set that you repeatedly violated and lost your grandchild visiting privileges? Attitudes like yours are why I just laughed when my father wrote me out of his will. Even if he changed his mind and left me something, I'd donate it to charity myself. I neither need nor want anything from him any longer.
Load More Replies... Idk where these folks live but in Canada a relationship with grandkids does have legal protection and grandparents can file for access rights. Just saying, when you declare it's "not a right" it's a good idea to have done your homework on Family Law. That said I'm 100% behind firm and clear boundaries and consequences for toxic behavior.
It states in the article that it's in the US. We don't have grandparents rights in the United States. We have been working towards getting them passed because so many grandparents are already raising their grandchildren because the parents are in some way, incapable of doing so. And when a day comes and a parent comes back and demands their child after having no contact for years, the grandparents have no legal rights to stop it even though they have been the ones raising the children and the parents are really not capable. So we're working on getting laws passed to protect rights for grandparents.
Load More Replies... My mother-in-law raised a wonderful son but she never liked me. For example, She didn’t like our wedding invitations so had them re-done for her side. She wanted to be invited to my family’s lake house but then refused the invitation because she had a hair appointment that day. For three years I jumped through every hoop imaginable because she was my sweet husband’s mother. I was always wrong no mater what I did. Then I had a baby that she felt she was entitled to. She never did figure out that you don’t p**s off the mother of your grandchildren!
Some of the best parenting advice ever given to me was from my sweet mother and my mother in law. On occasion, I might have had to put my foot down and say something to the effect of, "but I already said no", or ,"after dinner", but I tried to remember not to be insulting. As parents, we're doing the hard work of raising the youngsters. As grandparents, we get to reap a few rewards. I agree, parents make the rules and grandparents should respect those boundaries. However, parents should always teach their children that grandma and grandpa deserve respect and it should be taught by example from their parents. Believe me, I've seen a few grandparenting examples, I, myself would never emulate. Fortunately, my children had four amazing grandparents. I've been in the shoes of parents raising kids. The person writing this article has yet to be a grandparent.
How many are and will continue to be well into the future? There will always be a mixed bag of parenting types.
Load More Replies... I was too young and abused when I had mine. My mother trashed my relationships and boundaries. Taken 20 plus years to heal that. Never will fully heal. Alienated affections, made life hell, rough.
Never say never, keep working on the healing process. It was a long time of abuse and then coming to grips with what happened to you and then trying to heal from a bad place. We continue to grow and heal every day, so don't give up or think the healing process is done because it's not. It will continue to get better if you want it to. The real goal is to have peace within yourself and that takes a long time but you can achieve it. Just don't give up on yourself. Forgiving is difficult but it's not really for the ones who hurt you it's for yourself . That's when you can achieve peace.
Load More Replies... So at least in California, grandparents having relationships with this grandchildren is a RIGHT and not a privilege. Grandparents have the right to take their kids to court and sue for visitation. People need to stop being immature a-holes and talk with each other and openly express boundaries and concerns....those kids are the only ones being punished and learning bad skills from their parents.
I am so glad I dont live in California then. My parents will not once be allowed around my children. I'm not letting my children be exposed to the absolute and total toxicity and abuse my parents put me through. I was shoved down a flight of stairs as a punishment as a kid, and that's not even the worst of it. My kids aren't being punished not being able to know their grandparents. They'll certainly know my partners parents. But they won't know the abuse, the manipulation, the narcissism, the suffering I was put through as a child. Never. They will know love, and what it is to be cherished.
Load More Replies... I had my grandkids constantly, I potty trained 3 of them, they youngest in 2020, I usually never said no to my daughter, I watched them while she went on a 14 day cruise. Well, last may 2021 I said no, my daughter and I share a birthday, my husband wanted to do something with me on my birthday, my husband and I ended up watching our granddaughter, but my daughter was already ticked, a couple things happened, my granddaughter and I went out over the weekend and bought my daughter a couple of garden plants she wanted but when she came to pick up my granddaughte, she couldn't take them, so she started over on another day, she was texting me and all I asked was, are you driving? She accused me of being negative and she was just not nice, so I told her i think it would be better she came over another day, well, yea all of a sudden I don't respect her boundaries, I haven't seen the grandkids since June 2021, she refused to discuss anything. Well her choice, it hurt of course,
Its 2022, I've been physically disabled since 2007, I miss my grandchildren, they miss me. But, I guess when they get older they can visit. I hope therapist understand its not always whats portrayed. When my daughter needed clothes for the kids. Boots for the kids anything, I would get wjat she asked. My daughter obviously, doesn't respect my boundaries. But, im good, my sons told me I am more than welcomed anytime and they include me on day trips and a upcoming Disney trip. My daughter and what I see here is just angry children taking their anger out through their kids towards their parents. Its always been some grandparents that go overboard, not all of us. My daughter has definitely jumped on this band wsgin in a unhealthy way, tbe last Lash out, im good communication has ceased. Good luck to her.
Load More Replies... You might be surprised to learn about grandparent rights. It's a thing! Grandparents in many states can sue for visitation, especially if they don't get to see their grandchildren following a divorce, death, or separation. Arkansas, Delaware, Wisconsin, Virginia, Rhode Island, Maine, and Hawaii.all have grandparent rights laws, but there are other states where a grandparent can ask for a visitation order and it will be weighed based on the best interest of the child.
Our wills actually state that grandparents and family are too have no contact and no rights. We even videotaped it. Our son's godmother will raise him.
Load More Replies... My sister decided to completely randomly cut off all contact with myself and our father shortly before she became pregnant, dad has never met his grandson and neither of us has any idea why she cut off contact. I can understand a "my kids my rules" situation but sometimes it really is just the mother's/father's whismy that stops the grandparents interacting with their grandkids.
Did she have a new boyfriend? Some people are easily brainwashed. I have a niece that was. We were extremely close as a family and then she started seeing this guy and she stopped talking to everyone, even me. And then we met him and I knew immediately that he was brainwashing her. He wouldn't let her talk or answer questions and she didn't look at anyone and she had been a chatty Cathy and vivacious young woman who was outgoing and stood up for herself and others and she wasn't allowed to speak or look at us and I don't believe in violence but I wanted to hurt this young man! Her life has been destroyed! And she said he owns her and their child!
Load More Replies... I was born in 1950. 3 kids (now 41, 42 and 44). Two grandchildren. I can't fathom sharing parent responsibilities. (Been there. Done that. Back then (1970s) we used one rule: "Be Kind." Easy to remember.) So now i told 'em if they needed regular childcare, find someone else. We'd be fun grandparents. 2x/month we'd babysit while they went out. Using the "Be Kind" rule. Lived w/them for 2 years. Guest bedroom/sitting room with sleeper sofa and a bathroom. Installed a locked hallway door, with a "Grandma's Apartment" sign. It was our own "apartment" /haven. WE furnished that room to OUR taste and comfort. We paid for all household food and utilities, and paid for their childcare center. No rent. They did the cooking. The kids "delivered" dinner to "Grandma's Apartment", we'd tip them, and they'd leave. After dinner we'd go clean their kitchen and at bedtime we'd read to the kids and then go back to our apartment. Wednesdays were "open house." We'd all be welcome everywhere. 😁
I never wanted kids, I can't handle the screaming and the work it takes. I recognize that I'm not made to be a parent, and I build my life knowing it's a me thing. I have a lot of respect for parents to do the things I'm mentally and physically unable and unwilling to do. They do a lot. I feel like if I did have kids though, and I was a grandparent, I'd still have this mentality. Respect for an adult doing a lot of work. I don't understand this entitlement at all. Coming from a dysfunctional and not-on-purpose abusive household, I can attest authoritarian behavior only leaves scars and promotes pushing away the person you're lording over.
I get what you're saying but screaming children are the parents' fault. My DH and I never screamed at each other or the children and vice-versa. Our home was extremely quiet for a home of 5 people in it. Even the sound of TV when we finally got one was on low and never unattended.
Load More Replies... My first granddaughter was just born on Mothers Day a couple months ago. My daughter was an only child and we are extremely close. My daughter told my wife, her mother, that she slept well when we there because she was worry free and we were the only people she felt that way about. My wife has multiple degrees in early child care and was a preschool principal and is an expert in child care. I’m just the Dad and I told my daughter she was still my baby and my job was still to take care of her so I do laundry, dishes, housekeeping and laundry and wash her car for her. Everyone is happy with this arrangement.
You wish to take those responsibilities on of your adult daughter but it is not your job.
Load More Replies... Because in those kind of situations, no equal communication is given to each members of the family. So what starts as a discussion to try to improve things ends up in another argument where most of the time only the elders are allowed to speak, probably not the first argument, and surely not the last one. In social media though, you can be reassured by the fact others people think the same as you do, and therefore it's not just that you are "wrong and crazy".
Load More Replies... Yeah, because new parents have so much more knowledge about raising integrated kids. The "lingo" in this article ignores the reality that child behavior is unchanged over centuries, and experience beats a self centered learning curve.
Just depends on wether you are actualy thinking about how to be a great parent, better than yours at least, or wether it's just what you claim to do so you seem right and fair to others people, wether it's the case or not. Once more, ego is the source of this issue.
Load More Replies... When I read all of the stuff Millenials have to say — so jealous of boomers — I am glad I never had children and even happier I don’t have to interact with such a bunch of self-important a-holes.
Grandparents are the matriarch and patriarchs of the extended family and their job is to keep the family together, give counsel and help in times of duress. Yes you can set boundaries but don't throw away an important relationship like this.
A relation is not a job, and in 2022, there is no such thing as a matriarch or patriarch anymore, because your status in family doesn't link with your ability to manage a family.
Load More Replies... Ofcourse there are boundaries that should be respected, but I think that children need grandparents and are entitled to have a relationship with them. It wouldn't hurt for parents to be a little more strict with children either.
Being strict has to come with fair and equal communication, involving maturity and not age, but yes, when and if possible, grandkids should be able to see their grandparents if two conditions are met. 1st is if they wish, second is if the grandparents are comprehensive and not toxic.
Load More Replies... Well for the guy who says kids don't need grandparents. Tell that to my grandsons and I bet they would disagree. If it were not for grandma they would be in foster care. So be careful how you treat the grandparents, you never know if you may need them. To them I am still grandma, but my job is now mom.
You know your situation is not what he was talking about
Load More Replies... I wish my mother gave a s**t about her grandchild. She has little contact, doesn't bother with time, gifts or pretty much anything, she lived a couple of hours away. She made the choice to have this relationship, when she's deemed to see her grandchild, she acts (yes its all an act!) like she's completely inept so much so that we won't leave them alone in case our child is harmed. She was an ahole of a parent too. So I wish my mil was closer, she would be in 7th heaven to know her only grandchild half a world away. Boundaries are a must, a sad, painful must.
It is better suited to find understanding. It's important for children to learn about their lineage. Set up the parameters. Adjust for tolerance. Evaluate. Recalibrate. If unable to do that reevaluate and readjust. I fear this trend will lead to our future not recognizing our past and we'll lose the stories and experiences that has led us to this point. Take it for what it is. Each generation gets better so long as there is understanding. This proposed method seems to undercut the grandparents who ironically led to the upbringing of the parents enforcing a seemingly extreme approach.
My grandparents brought me up from the age of 4. Children DO need grandparents and to say they don't is woke c**p. Try harder.
Because you obviously had an healthy relation with your grandparents does not mean it's the same for everybody, children don't need toxic grandparents, but they should still see them when their grandparents are sane and comprehensive.
Load More Replies... I see entitled kids now "taking it out on" their parents. 17 years ago today my wife died and left behind five kids-2 in diapers and one with cancer. Her mom wasa God send who helped so much. We didn't always agree about how to deal with the kids but to regard her or any grandparent as about as necessary as a case of "gonorrhea" exposes how immature & mean spirited some parents are today. To term their relationship with the grandchildren a "privilege" suggests that these young parents were spoiled rotten or else resented some strict parenting that they badly needed. Somebody must have had their ear growing up or when they were young adults and were indoctrinating them against parental authority (think woke teachers subverting their relationship with mom & dad). Hopefully they will have the wisdom to see how thoughtless their outlook is before the grandparents die of neglect in a nursing home and the parents are tossed out as trash by their you tube educated kids
Everyday I am thankful for being a grandma. Everyday, my daughter in laws send pictures of the little ones or I get to look after them. When you have sons, the most important job of a grandma is to be friends with your daughter in laws. Respect their parenting and their rules. Love them and be there when you are needed. Nothing else.
I am one of those children who moved states away to make more space between my parents and my children. Their chronic lack of respect for boundaries and our rights as the parents, ultimately cost them visiting rights and my children’s respect. Time after time, they put my kids in hazardous environments and then told us to relax, they were watching them, they knew what they were doing. My parents lost two children in their home to sids and my oldest brother to drugs. In my opinion, they had their opportunity and they struggled with success. It is my responsibility to raise my children both psychologically and physically safe. My children are my first priority and my parents approval or feelings fall somewhere after my kids and my marriage. My children have 2 other sets of grandparents that have earned many opportunities to see the grandchildren. My kids now teens prefer to not spend time alone with my parents due to the added stress they bring to their lives.
SIDS is NOT caused by neglect. You just disrespected every parent who lost a child this way. Drug addiction isn't the parents fault either. What a horrible, uneducated and thougtless comment.
Load More Replies... Dang...I feel people need to understand that know one is perfect. If most of you feel you are a better parent than your parents, than you have some growing up to do. Because no one....no one is perfect. And you all need to realize that your sweet precious babies will grow up too. And they will think you are crazy and don't know how to parent.
Nobody in here has claimed or though to be perfect, people in here are just trying to be a better example to their children than their parents. And because childrens will grow up and might have a different way of thinking about education does not mean they think their parents are not good parents, it just depends on how fair and close parents choose to be with their children.
Load More Replies... I was never close to my grandparents and as my kids grew I made sure I would be there for my grandkids. They come in and throw off their shoes, grab their stuff that's here and settle in. This is an extension of their home, but things are a bit more lax. They know that there is a different speed here. I tend to them more, do things for them more because I can .I'm not exhausted from a 40hr work week and having kids all the time. I make sure they know that. Coming to Nana and Grandpa's is a treat. We make cookies and play with slime and Play-Doh, which isn't allowed at their house. It stays here. You can have 2 sets of rules if you have communication and respect for each other.
tl;dr: "Stay at home mom wants to be influencer, repeats s**t we already knew while showing cleavage for profit."
I'm a younger boomer. My dad was very abusive to me and my mom was totally apathetic to it. I had no incentive to allow my daughter to spend any time with them. She's grown now and doing fine. I have no regrets. Millennial parents: do your thing. My generation grew up believing that authoritarianism is normal. IT'S NOT!
In CA (ya, I know) grandparents can be awarded visitation rights by the courts.
I'm not sure wether or not I would be "allowed" or "expected" to respond to this since I'm still a teen living with my mother, we kicked my father many times. But not only can it be hard to deal with millenials when you are fron Gen Z, but my mother is actualy from Gen X, almost Boomer ll, so you can imagine the difficulties when co-existing. She thinks I still don't want to have a child but the truth is I did not want one in the past because I saw her and my dad fail me and my three siblings one after the other, only I am the only one to still resist her unsane education which values age more than maturity, tolerance and open-mind, just because "that's how she were being raised" and "she would get slapped if they did not co-operate without responding". Result is she has a fake idea of respect, one that goes one way only, towards her, because she is older and therefore "more experienced", as she would say, she simply feels superior to every generations younger than her, to the point
where she uses completly irrational and idiotic statements which says every choices the young generations have made are horrible, such as the fight for the queer community, against global warming and climate change, against bullying, and for peace, saying it's "making us weak". Off course when someone dares affirm she is wrong, such as me, the person is called egocentric or someone who affirm they "know everything and always are right". She insulted me thousands of time because I would cry from her insults against my generation and communities more than about her problems. I always loved the idea of boundaries in any relationships, as well as agreements, because it means there is communication taking place and both sides are being heard, and not just fake communication where the parent says they are "considering" your point of view but are actualy not even thinking about it. I just want my future kids to know I'm listening to them and actualy putting deep care and importance into their
Load More Replies... Stupidest article with the most ignorant "experts" of all time...
As a millennial, I believe this is b******t. Obviously every relationship needs boundaries. Unfortunately that's not what my generation really wants... they want grandparents to do everything that is demanded of them to be able to have the "privilege" of seeing their grandchildren. This contradiction in this article is palpable. It reads like an article on the "onion!" These boundaries are highly unfair to the grandparents. They are expected to babysit whenever the parents want, pay for educations, and extracurricular activities etc. While following every rule, respect every parenting practice, make no waves in the relationship, or they risk losing the "unnecessary" relationship they have with their grandkids. That is the definition of an abusive relationship! Considering their are 2.7 million grandparents in the US raising their grandkids I think they deserve a little more than this article suggests.
I see way more insults than arguments in your respond, especialy since this article did not talk about any "babysitting expectations", the only thing younger generations are asking for is for their elders to respect their choices in education and not interfere in their education in a negative way, not to pay for anything or else pay the consequences like you are suggesting.
Load More Replies... Stop using the word toxic!! Disagreement is normal in most homes but I adored my grandparents and my in-laws, their help was irreplaceable!!!
Toxic is appropriate, you might have had a tolerant relationship with your grandparents and in-laws, even with the disagreements, but it doesn't mean everyone here had this kind of healthy realtions. If they are describing their relations as toxics, it means it has reached this point. Their experiences, their choices of words.
Load More Replies... She's just another tool. Basically treating kids like they're equals. The kids that disrupt the whole class throwing a fit. That's her kids. Lol.
Those kids you're talking about wouldn't be dirupting anyone if they were well-educated and if they knew they were trusted and understood in the first place.
Load More Replies... A lot of parents say "my kids my rules" but have benefitted from significant effort and sacrifice from boomer parents. After help is offered, accepted and the kids benefit, parents can swoop in, claim all glory and then flip the grands off at the slightest suggestion of an alternative view-- this from grands who do not pose a security issue to neither grandkid nor parent. A parent got very angry when told that "theres nothing I can do" is not actually true. Kids don't always have to decide how much screen and phone time they should have. An idea is to set limits on usage. A parent of an 11 y.o. was given this suggestion and responded unfavorably. Turned out the honor student was exposed to pornography online and appeared to develop, at that age, an addiction. All because the parent felt the boomer should "mind their business," Listen, some grands are toxic and unsafe. Others watch in horror at the new age narcissim and self absorption of parents. Also, It Takes A Village.
You are absolutely wrong when you state that grandparents have no rights to their grandkids in the United States. When my mentally ill son, who kept me from my grandchildren, divorced their mother I went to court and got grandparents rights. Dispute him hating that I had contact with them I was able to talk to them on the phone and visit them on a regular basis. When my sister's daughter died in a freak accident the father of her grandson remarried and his new wife wanted to erase my sister from her grandson's life. She went to court and got grandparents rights. He is 10 years old now and she will be able to talk to him and visit him until he is 18. So, grandparents do have rights to their grandchildren in this country. Please correct your story.
It depends on what state you live in. We're working to get a national law passed.
Load More Replies... You violated your right's then when the kid's came to your girlfriend house you will steal give your girlfriend kid's to give it to your child ohone,rings and so on
The article is stupid, every situation is different. Half of these people will be running to the grandparents the first time one of the spouses cheat and they split up, will you please watch junior I don't know what I'm going to do. The grandparents being the wonderful people we are will do it. We will know how stupid you acted earlier in this situation.
I'm sorry but really...your going to be upset because the grandparents buy a few extra gifts or share love with them...
There are a**holes in every age group why single out one? Your experience is not every parent's experience.
My brother just had the first baby in our family on May 3, my mom had been watching their dog daily and their wedding and honeymoon last summer. Yesterday was the first day she was allowed to hold the baby because of parental boundaries. Seems like it can be abused. Be careful.
Not true! Grandparents Do have rights in the U.S. many have went to court to get them enforced.
If your child has boundaries when they are with their grandparents you are doing a disservice to that child. Children need a grandparents ❤️. And not to mention you're showing your child how to treat you when they're older.
First of all, here in California located in the United States of America Grandparents DO IN FACT HAVE RIGHTS! Secondly your children aren't bargaining chips so stop treating them as such! I think all these parents that would actually keep their children away from their Grandparents just because they can't get their way are spoiled brats that aren't mature enough to be in charge of raising children to begin with. Grow up!! Grandparents have rights and clearly that's a good thing!
I have a long distance with my grandkids. My sons wife & her parents don't like me or my husband. We got off to bad start. Nothing I do is good enough. So I've accepted that my grandsons will not get to know me or my husband. It really hurts, but my DIL has all the power in their relationship & my son has never nipped her behavior 'in the bud' . He's broken my heart.
I’m not a Boomer, don’t have kids. Therefore no grandkids. But remember that inheritance is a privilege, it is not a right.
P.S STOP CALLING 40 YEAR OLD AND UP BOOMERS!!! Boomers are our parents u dummies!! Google boomers because it was one of the most important historical generations of the 20th century! Education is power remember that people
Ok im really really confused....the pictures of those so called grandparents in this article look pretty darn young to be classified as the BOOMER generation!!??? The boomer generation is in the ages of middle to late 70s by now folks....so either those are some great plastic surgeons for your 70 year old boomer parents or some of you need an education of one the most important generations of the 20th century. And why they are callied boomers? How about research that first and educate yourselves, just cause some tik toker says something kids doesn't mean they are correct and that's what it is now lol
Pontius' parents aren't Boomers. They're gen. X or later. Get it right. It's getting kind of late in the game to blame boomers for everything. There are tons of powerful, greedy, shite head Gen. Xers running and ruining things now.
Omg I was just commetting on the same thing!! Why do they keep calling generation X boomers!!!! Boomers was one of the most important historical events of the 20th century!!! Maybe they should research what boomers are before so many have been saying this same incorrect information!!?? Omg I can't believe how stupid milenials and beyond are gonna be!! Im so glad I'm gen x!! Thank god!!!
Load More Replies... Our 2 grandkids live 5 miles from us. Son and daughter in law know that supporting them and spending time with the grandkids is our number one priority, We respect boundaries like not stopping in unannounced. We're available when needed. Work hard to not be pushy or overbearing. Result is that we see the kids multiple times per week, have a great relationship with our son and daughter in law, and have become friends with her parents as well. Life is good and retirement is great.
How I explained it to my kids... The state says I have to provide you with Food, clothing, shelter and a safe environment. Nowhere does it specify what kind of food, what brand of clothing, how big your area will be or anything else. You follow MY RULES because I specify these things. They also don't say anything about access to internet, a phone, games or how many times I say embarrassing things. You follow the rules because you respect them and the person making these decisions. This is a lesson I call reality, or alternatively "F**k around and find out"
It sounds some what like control and child abuse. They are controlling their children's relationships with their grandparents! That being a hypocrite!
Bunch of spoiled ungrateful people. Your very lucky to have parents who even want have anything to do with you and your bebe kids. New generation is bunch if pursues. Yes I said it. What a joke. Buck up losers.
I think every generation except GenXers is just wrong about most of life and mess it up for everyone. ; )
Here's an idea maybe we shouldn't be taking advice on rules and boundaries from people who can't even set them for themselves when it come to things like self control and healthy eating choices. Meaning I don't need advice from a fat a*s who can't even control their own eating. Let alone shouldn't be telling anyone how to control a child or set boundaries for them.
Be respectful. That is the point of the post. If you respect what a parent asks for their child there should be no issue. If you respect the child there should be no issue. If y respect yourself and time as a grandparent there should be no issue. Coming on here to complain how you feel it's divisive sounds silly to me. Division is ultimately caused by not willing to find middle ground. So for those is you who are good people- good mother's, fathers or grandparents, thank you! For those of you who could do better, do better. Simple.
then enforcing rules through beseeching, love, loving correction, and loving punishment) in an authoritative role to complement the parents/grandparents responsibility under God Almighty. Humanism has put God and His Truth out and made Him separate from humanistic government which results in lawlessness by “everyone doing that which is right in their own eyes (men’s philosophies) rather than according to the foundational truth of God’s whole Word. I pray this will assist your everlasting, eternal souls. Gordon Allen, pianos@shentel.net.
Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life: but teach them thy sons, and thy sons' sons; Specially the day that thou stoodest before the LORD thy God in Horeb, when the LORD said unto me, Gather me the people together, and I will make them hear my words, that they may learn to fear me all the days that they shall live upon the earth, and that they may teach their children. And the LORD commanded me at that time to teach you statutes and judgments, that ye might do them in the land whither ye go over to possess it.” The parent and grandparent need to first of all be on the same page (oneness with the Higher Power) about boundaries of "respecting righteous behaviors" not immoral, humanistic, self-willed lawlessness. Both the parent and the grandparent need to teach and train (apply wisdom by first example, then teaching, and
Looks like the woman showing her immodesty needs more exemplary rules for herself and others. Looks like she wanted other men (or women?) to see her display. It is a privilege, not a right to respect grandparents wise rules when they are to "train grandchildren just as they would their children the difference of righteous or unrighteous behavior, when they are in the supervision of the child." The Higher Power (if you would like to respect Him) says in Deut.4:1,9,10,&14, “Now therefore hearken, O Israel, (the type of righteous government and the Church that are to complement righteous behavior and justice) unto the statutes and unto the judgments, which I teach you, for to do them, that ye may live, and go in and possess the land (a type of heaven wherein dwells righteousness) which the LORD God of your fathers giveth you.
This is just sad when families get to this point. Obviously love and respect was missing from this dynamic for a long time. Maybe even from both sides. Relationships have got a lot of other problems when they get to this point.
First off lets get this straight once and for all. If you're having a baby now your parents arent Boomers they are Gen X.
Not at all, it depends on the year in which they are born, not when their child are having a child. Some have a child at 15, some at 25, others at 35, etc, but the age your parent had when you were born doesn't affect your generation, only the year they had you does.
Load More Replies... "My house, my rules" only really works when all the psychological needs of the children as individuals are met. It is our duty as parents to raise upstanding humans who will grow up and contribute what they may to society. It becomes toxic when used with authoritarian rules and regulations when no reasonable explanations are provided. The more nonsensical rules imposed, the greater the risk of rebellion. On the other hand, the moment our kids don't honor us, and we as parents loose the respect and trust of our kids, it will be a long road to reestablishing the relationship, and dangerous for the kids, as many often become impressionable. We must explain the rules - reasons for imposition, and potential consequences of infringement. Most kids are super intelligent and articulate, if given the credit and the chance to express themselves in a positive manner. They have voices and opinions, too. We must be open minded and accepting of the idea that they may have differing views than our own. We must show them by way of example how to navigate this life, and try to not silence their voices. There are healthy ways, and there are less than ideal ways, and it all hinges on us. Every child is different, and blanket discipline only leads to animosity whether we see it or not. Having rules with no acceptable reasons only harbors confusion and manifests rebellion. I've mostly been a "yes", but have always weighed all the possible scenarios, and engaged alongside them in some cases. If I did not have any acceptable reason to say "no", I explained that, and granted the permission. To this day, my kids (now teens), still come to me with their personal issues, as well as all of their friends. I've effectively become a solid rock foundation for all of them, when their own fathers have dropped the ball. This is a blessing I have willingly accepted from day one. There is much to be said for saying, "Yes", and explaining rules with respect, reason and accountability. Love really is all anyone needs. Don't know what it is? Read, 1 Corinthians 13 (if you aren't religious, just remove the references, and you have a decent guideline for living a good life as a good human).
My children currently have no contact with their grandparents on my side because of serious disrespect of boundaries. When I was in high school I was not allowed to date, only court, in their presence, a suitor of their choice. I was not allowed to move out at 18, even though I had a stable job, bc my parents denied my request, and the church backed them up with threats of discommunication if I rebelled. So I ended up marrying one of said suitors, and he was a Psychopathic abuser. We had two children, and the entire time I lived close to my parents, my mother constantly disrespected me and my decisions as a mother, questioning, no, yelling at me in front of my children about how I was doing this or that wrong. When my children were 3 & 4 I mustered the courage to leave the abusive spouse. I had to move out of state due to threats from the ex, and this is when my own mother showed up at my house, and screamed that I was worse than my ex and that I was sending my kids to hell, IN FRONT T
IN FRONT OF THEM! Needless to say, we don't speak, and haven't for 6 years. My dad defended her, and ever since they've done nothing to try and mend the relationship, only persisted in trying to bull past my boundaries of no contact, attempting contact in every sneaky way possible! I've remarried a wonderful man, and we are happily drama free! My boys are thriving, without their grandparents!
Load More Replies... It'd be interesting to find out what you think about grandparents who are also providing daycare for their grandchildren. If it's in the grandparents house they would have to be a combination of their house rules and the rules of the parents in regards to how they want their child cared for and raised. A lot of grandparents are doing daycare duty because the parents don't want to have to pay the high cost of daycare and they also want a family member involved. That makes a Dynamics a lot more complicated
If my parents are babysitting my 6-year-old it's their rules because they're in charge and I'm not hypocritical enough to trust them to babysit while also demanding they follow my rules. My daughter isn't confused and never has been about the rules between the two houses. Obviously, the health and safety ones are nonnegotiable but if grammy and gramps want to feed her ice cream for supper one meal out of hundreds isn't a big deal. My daughter tried the ice cream for supper once, and my mom was like, "Uh, not in this house. Ice cream is dessert." She got popcorn, apples, and a tuna sandwich which is her favorite dinner at grammy's for some reason.
Load More Replies... One sided article that tries to show the grandparents as the culprit. Try getting the other side in the article next time. There's good and bad parents and grandparents.
I live in Va and there are grandparents rights here. I share custody of mines, so, I don't worry about it. Lol
Bunch of snowflakes on here. Guess what a*****e? Your parents took care of you and are the reason you are here. Yes they have different views because they came from a different era but you can still let them see your kids as long as they aren't putting them in danger. I mean my god your parents say things you don't agree with and you cut them completely off? I'm not even referring to the op I'm referring to the ppl in the comment section because I have seen dozens of ppl being petty as f**k. Grow up and let your kids have grandparents. Like I said as long as they aren't putting them in danger what's the harm of having grandparents? Nobody can have different views without cutting them off lol it's kinda sad
Oh come on. All these boundaries yet she has no problem exploiting their kids for views on TikTok. Also whats with that guy saying kids don't need grandparents? Do they literally need them? No but kids love grandparents I know I did. This mom is a piece of s**t in my opinion. She's lucky I don't have TikTok or else I'd lay into her on there directly. Just can't bring myself to download that useless app. Tried it for one day and I realized 95% of the videos are useless garbage that's not funny. YouTube shorts are wayyyyyy better
Yeah....no. Please write the article on entitled adult children who drop off their babies at Nana's house whenever they want or feel like they need a break AND do it for free every single weekend...
Wonderful article! I have learned and grown so much as a person since becoming a grandparent. If we are open to examining our upbringing (and how it shaped us as people and as parents), and are willing to listen to our children and respect their parenting decisions, there is so much potential for personal growth. I have found it to be a blessing in so many ways.
Idk man this really is a case of every family is different, and this really should be something discussed between the family not plastered all over social media. Anyway I know personally I would've hated my parents if they had cut me off from my grandparents. In school I was never the most outgoing person and that's nobodies fault but my own, so when I need someone I could talk to about life or if I needed advice I would go to my grandparents mainly my grandmother. And as for the grandparents and giving gifts, once again this goes to my own way of thinking, yeah my grandparents always spoiled me with gift on holidays and birthdays but I knew it wasn't an everyday thing and it wasn't the only thing they did. I knew grandparents didn't equal gifts, I knew they did it out of love and wanting me to be happy. Like I said ever family is different, and yes there are the cases of abusive parents that turn into abusive grandparents, it just depends on the situation.
My son is almost 5 and he hasn’t seen my dad since his second birthday because he refused to respect my very reasonable boundary of not spouting his racism and bigotry at my kid. My mom respects the boundary, so she is welcome to visit and have a relationship with my kid. If you’re a grandparent reading this and you don’t have the relationship with your grandkids that you want, the problem isn’t the kid or parents, it’s you. Your kids are adults with children of their own, and that’s where you need to start. We don’t parent the way you did, and we are no longer your underage children. If your kid has come to you with issues they had with the way you raised them, APOLOGIZE. Admit you were wrong and if they give you another chance, realize you’ve been given a GIFT and don’t fork it up. And if you were an abusive POS to your kids, do not be at all surprised if they decide to protect their children and either severely restrict your relationship with their kids or nuke it altogether.
Wow. ENTITLED SPOILED BRATS let's hope you're perfect. Because one day this will come back on you. Children (just like you were) will see how you treat your parents. Let's hope they don't want to put your toxicity back on your head. Your parents were control freaks.. look what you are doing.
Yeah well coming from a generation of people who figured out the world owes them a living, there are more genders than Baskin Robbins got flavors. Still haven't reached a point where they hit that point , where they figured out the experience of the old generation kind of know a little something about how the world really works. Now if there's serious things such as abuse (actual abuse not the kid ate McDonald's) that's a different thing entirely. Yeah the day will come to you have that epiphany....
What is this??? I failed to extract a single valuable nugget of info from this piece. Maybe that's because it trips over itself while expressing "my house, my rules" as "authoritarian" in one breath and "benign" in another. Reading this contradictory c**p will reduce IQ points guaranteed.
Please help: what would you do when the grandparents talk negatively about you (the parent/ their very own birth adult child) to your child/the grandchild (age 10) in a subtle nuance type way but consistently in a negative light? Complete no contact is not an option……suggestions?
Call it out, that’s parental alienation and it’s not at all okay. I’ve found with my MiL that if you keep asking them why they said what they did/explain their statement, they back themselves into a corner and end up looking like the ahole. If you do it every time, they’ll eventually get the message you’re not taking their sh!t.
Load More Replies... Actually there is president in the law allowing grandparents access to their grandchildren
How reckless and ignorant to say that Grandparents don't have rights in the United States... Grandparents in California have the right to petition the Court for visitation.
I'm 28 with 3 daughters under the age of 5. My stepmother (married after I was 20) was extremely like this. She was so bad a DCS worker told me that I couldn't stay living with her and my dad because of her behavior plus how she was acting while the DCS worker was there. It's been almost 2 years and my stepmother STILL makes passive aggressive posts on fb, trustworthy to demand to see my kids, and gets mad at me and my husband whenever we tell her no, don't do things HER way or block her. To be fair she has always had an attitude and a "I do no wrong" attitude for as long as I've known her.
Well a lot of grandparents have to do stuff its because parents nowadays don't even set boundaries for their own kids. I've seen so many kids running around stores, screaming, playing with everything, leaving a mess in isles, throwing tantrums and their parents just allow them to do it without and without any discipline. So I'm actually in support of grandparents if they actually have to step up and actually be the parent because the "so-called parents" can't freaking raise their kids right then yes grandparents should be able to step up and take control.
Pure rubbish.... If my grandkids come to my house and are under my care, they have to adhere to my rules. Otherwise you can come get them. I have no problem if my kids thinks that holding their kids hostage from me is their solution to not agreeing with my rules. I have many other things in my life to do than raise or babysit another set of kids. Ridiculous discussion.
Hey sorry sweetie. “My house my rules“ may very well be an “authoritarian“ approach. And that’s because it’s intended to be. That’s the problem with you people nowadays. You do not see the position of “parent“ as a position of authority. Which is absolutely what it is intended to be. Particularly in early development. Once you’re offspring becomes 16 and 17 and 18 it’s time to begin to assume more of a leadership role. Because they cannot be expected to completely and totally take the reins at 18 without having had some experience at that before hand. But I don’t negotiate with my nine year old. Get down. Because I said so.
Funny, my kid responds GREAT to being treated as a human being with dignity and respect when I explain why he can/can’t do something, and it has the added benefit of him not being terrified of me or my husband.
Load More Replies... Just a little on this for those grandparents who actually help raise grandkids either because of said parents are on drugs or in and out of the kids life. Some of us wud be happy to be just grandparents and it's pretty mean to hold a child over a grandparents head like blackmail. I personally help wholeheartedly with all my grandkids who need me to fill in as an absent parent substitute and I also bmore than willing to help those with responsible parents. I try to the best of my ability to follow the parents guidelines and respect their wishes. I find this article just a tad bit offensive as if some of these kids wish to punish mom and dad. If you grew up in a loving home and just have minor differences don't be disrespectful to your parent who is willing to extend the love to your child. I see your side completely since my own mother is toxic always putting me and my kids father down. I didn't actually realize it till the damage was done. Kudos to responsible parents
I wanted to say something snarky and sarcastic. But I think I'll just say this; People will have opinions you disagree with. Some of those opinions will be about your kids. And some of those opinions will come from people that love you. Dismissing their opinions without consideration, as these people are, will setting these parents up for failure. And you know what, the grandparents that are so maligned by these self-righteous parents, did the same thing and thought they were so much smarter too.
I think there are two separate conversations going on here. People need to realize that people who say things like "grandparents aren't necessary" aren't speaking from a place of a regular, loving home dynamic. Often times they come from homes riddled with abuse and simply want to protect their kids from the same. In this instance, is it really surprising that controlling grandparents who use "my house my rules" with no room for communication as an excuse for everything would basically raise kids who'd do the same? At the same time, people also need to realize that there are a lot of grandkids being kept from good families and good grandparents out of spite because the parents are actually the toxic ones, not the grandparents. I think as a GENERAL rule, kids do need grandparents, positive role models of the older generation, and the loving support systems that come from an extended family but if the grandparents are abusive or dangerous then it is 100% OK to disregard that to keep the kids safe.
Although it's not just related to boomers, including myself and myself, it sure seems like there is a imbalance here. We've had to stop allowing my mother to see my son (4) and she's never seen my daughter (1) because she was seemingly incapable of following basic boundaries like "Please don't kiss or children on their face. With COVID and various harmful infections, we feel it's too much of a risk." After 8 times in a short time, and every time she saw him, and multiple discussions about it, we had to do something. Between that and the sheer disrespect that she gives my wife, their mother, she doesn't get to come around anymore (basically told her she isn't part of the family and telling her what our "family dynamic" is). Which is incredibly sad because she's the only grandparent our children have left. My wife is like: "She doesn't have to like me, I just wish she'd be respectful."
This seems very condescending. It's as if all grandparents are bad people, give bad advice and have no life experience. Not all millennials hate their parents ya know. Our 9 kids even ask for advice sometimes. I know, I know, hard to believe right? Who would ever think someone with 9 children and 17 grandchildren would know anything about raising a child? What a ridiculous concept, right! You are correct in we don't have a right to grandchildren but you can't honestly think using that fact as a weapon because you disagree with your parents is a good thing. It's like you want everyone to be on defense all the time.
Maybe a therapist is a better person to talk to, not some comments section on the internet. Sounds like all these people could benefit from therapy rather than TikTok.
Fk you spoiled hypocritical brats. Your parents gave all for you and to treat your child like a reward for your parents doing what they are told by the children they brought into this world clothed fed. Maybe the boomers should have a borted more of yall. NWO kicks in all of you stupid people will fall with no knowledge on how to survive and all the boomers will be gone and your kids will probably be rhe ones to kill you. Lol
Man, these sensitive, traumatized so called parents need to get over themselves. A grandparent in timeout? Really? Those same grandparents raised YOU. How about showing your brat how to respect their elders, and learn some things from them? Some parents are so broken on their own pathetic little lives, that they think everything that needs to be taught to a child comes from their parent. It's as of these parents now have some sort of revenge on their own parents. It's like saying, I had to live by YOUR rules as a kid, now you have to live by MY rules as a grandparent. Pathetic. Who loses an entire generation worth of life experiences? The child. What a wonderfully pathetic parent you are to use your rules to deprive them of their grandchildren.
What a strange article. You all seem to not like your Moms very much. I have 3 grandkids and I see them a lot and not just for babysitting. In fact I was camping at the Grand Tetons and my daughter flew there (when it was 2 grandkids) to be with me, with the kids. This article shouldnt be about grandkids it should be about your relationship with your children if this is how you all feel.
To truthheals: You need to do your homework before you tell the world that “Grandparents have no rights”. In Colorado, at least, and I believe many other states that have adopted the Federal child protection Code. Grandparents do have “rights” that are enforceable in a Court of Law.
Unapprecative offspring....good luck. The assumption is you're punishing a grandparent by denying them a relationship with your kids....not so much. I say good luck, hope it works out. It's amazing how other parents can appreciate what you the "grandparents" offer, simply increase you efforts with another family; unappreciative child, you can do the same.
Wow!! I feel sorry for all of you having to set boundaries for the grandparents of your children. Obviously your families are dysfunctional. Yes, that's right. Dysfunctional. My husband and I are grandparents of 5 grandchildren and our children do not need to set boundaries for us. We have respect for our children. We always discuss things where it matters most and we take their advice, follow their instructions, anything they ask of us is done respectfully. We done our job as parenting, now we get to enjoy our grandchildren with much less stress. It is mutual and we all look forward to family gatherings because we all enjoy our times together. So, there is something definitely wrong with your family dynamics.
This is how I am with my daughter. Yeah there are some things she does differently but I respect that and it was an automatic reflect to do so. My daughter likes to use a method of distraction on my grandson and it works. I didnt raise a dummy ;)
Load More Replies... These people are literally talking about my mom. Our relationship wasn't perfect when I was younger. But when I had my first daughter, she felt as if she needed to take over being mom. Once I moved out of her apartment at 20. She still intended to control my every move and my daughter. Not to mention she only cares about my oldest. Also when I tell her my daughter is lactose (is she has too much dairy she shits and pukes everywhere) she ignores my demands and still proceeds to give her dairy items. When I was living with her she would constantly buy my daughter fast food. I told her she needs to cut back because my daughter was 3 and overweight. Then when I go to the doctors they tell me my daughter is close to having diabetes. Then I tell my mother. She hits me with that my house my rules. And that's when I knew I had to get out for MY KIDS safety. It doesn't matter who it is keep your kids safe!
Sounds like all of these parents and grandparents have quite a few things to work out between themselves, before they can even consider dealing with grandparent, grandchild challenges. These do not appear to have anything to do with Millennial / Boomer challenges but family challenges. Quit blaming generational differences, they have been present from the dawn of time and will be in the future
It has taken a number of years to get my parents to understand that they are not Santa or the Easter bunny anymore, the batton has passed to us now as the parents. And they can most certainly buy 1 or 2 gifts. But the magic of those seasons is now with us to give to our children.
Hey guys have some questions. Is this suggesting it's better to have kids who's grandparents don't sneak privilages to the grandkids? Also, are we suggesting that to navigate the overstepping of the people we presumably love who raised us is somehow unhealthy for us or our children? I have to say I think thats wrong. We grow stronger when we are challenged by people in our life. I cherish my grandad having philosophic conversations about all his crazy s**t over a chess game. Or my grandma constantly dogging my parents for not baptizing me, which have ne my first education in Christian control. He was a drunk and I used to drive him to the liquor store before I was old enough to drive. Disobedience was a skill I leaned from them, which it sounds like yall are suggesting is bad. Just my thoughts, I think a little less control is a good thing. I'm 37 with an 18yo and a6.5 month old
I didn’t know there was a name for my parenting style, or my parent’s, but her scenario and mine are the same. And I believe when I become a grandparent, I’ll be excited to see the ways that my kids improve upon my parenting. If we do it well, that would mean every generation gets a little kinder, a little more compassionate, maybe more empathetic and driven to do more and be better. Great article!
My mother in law is always wanting alone time with my kid. I understand that she just want to make memories. But she is overly obsessed with wanting him alone. If he did go up there by himself he would always be super irritated. I don't let him have unsupervised visit anymore. Just was having bad feelings.
That's funny all this talk about grandparents having no rights until of course, the grown kid needs free daycare or how about, in this economy, wanting to move on lol sounds to me like a whole lot of grown adults forgetting where they come from and actually abusing the position grandparents play in society. Remember this, grandparents can walk away too, both to the ungrateful child they raised with those selfish concepts these people claim to and can also say no, when same grown adult kids ask for that help that could be a loan or place to stay or that free childcare that I see 70 percent of grandparents giving these days
I agree that parents have the first word and that grandparents should be respectful of them. My issue is with the statement that all boomers are "my house, my rules". Yes some boomers are like that, but as a boomer, I wasn't like that and have a good relationship with my daughter and granddaughter. Most of my peers are the same. Why do we blame a whole generation for the way some act. It's individuals not the whole generation.
Grandparents should listen to their children about as much as their children listened to them. And some state have legal Grandparents rights.
I had to set boundaries with my parents, to the point that they lost the privilege to see their grandkids until the kids were grown. When my kids turned 19, (age of consent in Canada) I told my kids that they could re-establish a relationship with their grandparents if they so choose. They chose not to, with 2 of their grandparents, because they are incredibly toxic. They only see their step-grandpa who respects, and honours boundaries and he's the only one who's been able to see them grow up after my mother, his wife passed in 2003. Boundaries work, use them.
No, you can't jump on the couch because you could damage my couch! My couch, my rule. I couldn't care less how you learn the cause and effect of injuring yourself kid; go break your leg outside!
When our son died 6 years ago all access to our granddaughter died with him. Our ex-daughter-in-law signed her parental rights over to her mother and that has been that. We can only hope that one day when she is old enough she will have questions. They usually do.
If the Grandparents told me "my house my rules" then I would tell them "you can only see them in my house!" That way it's "my house my rules" and you will do what I say or GO HOME!!!
You Millenials think that it is only your generation that is having that problem? Think again. I am a Boomer and I had that with my Depression Baby (or whatever they call the generation before me) parents and inlaws. So before you say anything about the Boomers, ask yourself if they had the same problem when they were your age.
I never knew my grandmas, they both died before I was born and met my dad's dad few times. Mom's dad I met, but he was traumatized by the Winter war and was an alcoholic and chain smoker, which caused his death when I was 12 y.o. As a grand parentless kid: it is a privilege for anyone to know their grant parents and I miss mine every day. My dad's mom raised 11 kids, gave birth in the sauna and the next day returned to the fields to work. My mom's mom was Lotta in the war and took care of suffering and dying soldiers. I respect them both so much. I don't really appreciate the tone which grand parents are discussed about. I know parents today mostly raise their kids to be these snowflakes, with every kid having birth right to everything they could ever want and damn if anyone dares to question that. Thank god I'm not having kids. Ever.
Glaring error, many states DO have grandparent laws for visitation rights. Ohio does for certain and I know many grandparents who have gotten legal custody and visitation with it. All this entitlement and attitude makes me glad that I was raised Gen-X by Silent Generation parents.
The undertone of anger from these people is stifling.. Almost as if they want to say "Aha! Now I am in control over you, and you will do as I say or no grandchildren!" What an ugly, petty way to be.
Probably my kids won't have kids. That's fine with me, kids aren't the greatest thing anyway. I love mine, but could've lived without them just as well or better.
I'm 53 and my parents were about 15 years older, than my (ex) in-laws. My parents had a very clear understanding of boundaries, when it came to one's home, or "parents' rights." They basically followed my parenting rules (bedtimes, what to wear to play, etc.) when the children were with them. But they also made it clear, that as grandparents, you have the right to spoil your grandchildren to your heart's content(obviously 😁). We had respect for each other, which means that you recognize each other's "house rules". My in-laws, on the other hand, basically wanted their opinion and way of life to be respected and acted on... no matter whose house they were in at the time. They have never held any of my rules, when the children were with them, but always expected everyone to abide by their rules. For example: A 2 year old should know not to touch furniture, as children always have dirty hands!!
My family raised my nephew for the first several years of his life because we didn't want the father to know he was his due to a history of abuse and my sister couldn't make it on her own and I had asked my sister not to have an abortion because I can't have children and I would adopt him or help her raise him even though I had just turned 18 but we feared my dad would literally kill her, it's just the way he was. But they were actually supportive and happy to be grandparents so we raised him together and then they moved in with me until they could get their own place. But I was mom#2. And he was indulged, spoiled and completely adored! My sister was very passive but I'm not! I laid down the rules as far a grandparent rules because my parents had been abusive but I stopped that when I was 17 so they couldn't abuse my baby brother and they could not cause anymore harm because I demanded they get treatment! So they had rules to follow even though it was their home it was my sister's son.
I have a little bit complicated relationship with my father and my step mother (his second wife) but they can see my kids ANYTIME they want. It's dirty to blackmail someone thru children. My inlaws totaly ignore any rules we (me and my husband) tried to set...but so what 🤷🏻♀️ at the end of the day who should spoil the kids if not their grandparents 🙃
If the grandparents are interfering in a negative way then that can be changed. If the adult kids are not doing something bad to their kids then grandparents need to step back and respect that their adult kids have a different style.. However, you are mistaken when you say that seeing your grandkids is a privilege and not a right. Unless the grandparents are alcoholic or drug addicted or are thieves or have filthy language they have the legal right to see their grandkids. At least in New York they do.
Stop using the term Boomer. Your parents parents were Boomers, not your parents.
Not always. My parents are boomers, born in 1964. I'm 22.
Load More Replies... I'm so glad this is becoming a trend. It's important that kids learn from example that having boundaries is healthy, you don't have to put up with people breaking them, and mom/dad are going to stick up for themselves (and the kid) when someone breaks them. Many of us were taught that it's rude to set boundaries and even ruder to speak up or remove ourselves when our boundaries are violated - it took me a long time to unlearn that. One of the things I did was I started thinking: would this behavior be acceptable if this person were not related to me? If the answer was no, then it wasn't acceptable, period.
Reap what you sow, I hope your kids treat you the same when you become grand parents to there kids, but this article is right about one thing, it's a privilege to have grand parents that want to be apart of your family, not a right.
Also, unsolicited advice.. If I didn't ask for it, don't give me parenting advice. I'm perfectly capable myself, and if I'm stuck and want your opinion I'll ask for it. My mom is an "advice giver" and I don't wanna hear it. She was way too stricked and I didn't like her growing up. I don't want that for my own children, thank you very much.
To a large degree, I agree. At the same time, if the new parent wants to get into some oddball powertrip, only a fool would engage. I'm to be a first time grandfather at the end of September. I will definitely respect my daughter and son-in-law's parenting. However, if it turns out to be too difficult to deal with I will just not subject myself to it more than I can handle. That especially goes for them coming to my house. Or if I'm to babysit.
I raised my children with love and compassion as a grandmother I am blessed with 7 grandchildren.All are in my life and I love with all my being.There are no rules I respect my children they were my greatest accomplishment in life my oldest granddaughter is 29 my youngest is 12.Being a grandmother is seeing your childrens accomplishment seeing happiness love a precious little blessing they gave life to happiness no rules just unconditional love.
That sounds nice, but if I had been your grandson you would have quickly understood the need for rules and firm boundaries. I was my grandma's favorite. but she also would refer to me as a "little pill" at times because I was ornery my first half dozen or so years. Knowing that my grandma had stricter rules than my parents had was a good thing. Something that I was happy to abide by. I wanted to please my grandma, and in the end, it's as if there weren't any rules. 😊
Load More Replies... I can see where some grandparents go overboard, and also where some are not even involved in their grandkids lives. Has always been like this. My two sets of grandparents were on each side. On another note, for an article that complains about having to put up with "My house my rules" growing up, this is all about "My house my rules".
Not true about privilege. Some states have grand parents rights and you can fight for it in a court of law.
My parents already had lisa's shtick worked out. They were 'my house, my rules' people who followed up with 'when you have your own house you can make your own rules'. That was the only 'explanation' needed. We had rules, not boundaries and we all turned out just fine.
And we wonder why kids don't have any manners or respect these days. Y'all out her trying to be friends with these kids, they don't need friends they need parents and grandparents....it takes a village but the village isn't about to kiss ya a*s and do things your way. You want to keep the kids away fine, but you're hurting them more than ya parents.
The Boomer generation ended about 1964 so these grandparents were having kids really late in life to only be having grandkids now. Maybe your next article can be on Gen X: the forgotten generation.
That’s less than 60 years ago. Having kids at 30 two generations in a row isn’t particularly late.
Load More Replies... It literally doesn't matter, the PARENTS made a REASONABLE request, which was then disrespected. You cannot continue to trample boundaries then be sooo shocked when you lose your PRIVILEGES.
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