Most-Savage-Comebacks-Ever-Heard

Boss to line worker: "I need you to do such and such." Line Worker: "You didn't say the "P" word". Boss says, "Paycheck".

Most-Savage-Comebacks-Ever-Heard

My HS principal once insulted my mother's english (she's not from America). She just politely apologized for the mixup and said "I'm sorry sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages. How many do you speak?"

Most-Savage-Comebacks-Ever-Heard

My crazy neighbor's crazy daughters, who are identical twins, are having a massive argument: Twin 1: "Fuck you you ugly bitch!" Twin 2: "We're twins you fucking moron!" They heard me laughing.

Most-Savage-Comebacks-Ever-Heard

A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says "aw man you should take those off you look way better without them" and she goes "yeah you look way better without them too." I thought that was pretty clever.

Most-Savage-Comebacks-Ever-Heard

My conservative Mormon mother decides to talk to me for the first time about sex (17 at the time) She places two slices of chocolate cake, beautifully decorated, from a nice bakery. "Now daughter, this is you with your virginity..." She then squashes one slice of cake with her hand. "And this is you without your virginity. What slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband, for time and all eternity?" I look back and forth between the cakes "But, mom...they taste the same..." My older sister still loves to bring this up. It may be a funnier story when told out loud, though.

Most-Savage-Comebacks-Ever-Heard

It was during lunch at high school when this kid with really bad crossed eyes made fun of this Asian kid. He was just saying stereotypical things like, Asians can't drive and etc. The Asian kid replies with " you I'm really jealous of you, when you cross the street you don't need to look both ways." Everyone was dying, laughing so hard.

Most-Savage-Comebacks-Ever-Heard

Dude at my gym who is overweight has been working it off, slowly but surely, for a few months. This new guy comes in one day and starts trying to flirt with the receptionist (who is the overweight guys wife). He decides to loudly ask why that dude is so fat if he is at the gym. The receptionist looks at him for a long moment and then says "Because every time we screw I let him lick chocolate sauce off me." I nearly died laughing that day.

Funniest Marriage Tweets 2016

Love-Stories-Makes-Me-Think

Today, I chose the wrong number and accidentally sent my dad a message saying “I love you,“ which was meant for my husband. A few minutes later I got a reply: ”I love you too. Dad." It was so touching. We say things like that to each other so rarely.

Love-Stories-Makes-Me-Think

Today, my 12-year-old son, Sean, and I stopped by the nursing home together for the first time in several months. Usually I come alone see my mother who’s suffering from Alzheimer’s. When we walked into the lobby, the nurse said, “Hi, Sean!” and then buzzed us in. “How does she know your name?” I asked. “Oh, I swing by here on my walk home from school all the time to say hi to Grandma,” Sean said. I had no idea.

Love-Stories-Makes-Me-Think

Today, there are two senior boys at my school who have an openly gay relationship. They have experienced verbal humiliation on a daily basis for the last two years, yet they continue to hold each other’s hand in the hallways. Despite threats and vandalized lockers, they showed up to prom this evening wearing matching tuxedos. Seeing them on the dance floor, smiling from ear to ear in spite of all the haters.

Love-Stories-Makes-Me-Think

Today, I re-read the suicide letter I wrote on the afternoon of September 2nd 1996 about two minutes before my girlfriend showed up at my door and told me, “I’m pregnant.” Suddenly I felt I had a reason to live. Today she’s my wife. We’ve been happily married for 14 years. And my daughter, who is almost 15 now, has two younger brothers. I re-read my suicide letter from time to time as a reminder to be thankful – I am thankful I got a second chance at life and love.

Love-Stories-Makes-Me-Think

Today, my 88-year-old grandmother and her 17 year old cat are both blind. My grandmother’s guide dog leads my grandmother around the house, which is normal. But lately, he’s been guiding her cat around the house too. When her cat meows, he walks up and rubs against her, and then she follows directly behind him to her food, to the litter box, to the other end of the house for a nap, etc.

Love-Stories-Makes-Me-Think

Today, my dad is the best dad I could ask for. He’s a loving husband to my mom (always making her laugh), he’s been to every one of my soccer games since I was 5 (I’m 17 now), and he provides for our family as a construction foreman. This morning when I was searching through my dad’s toolbox for a pliers, I found a dirty folded up paper at the bottom. It was an old journal entry in my dad’s handwriting dated exactly one month before the day I was born. It reads, “I am eighteen years old, an alcoholic who is failing out of college, a past cutter, and a child abuse victim with a criminal record of auto theft. And next month, ‘teen father’ will be added to the list. But I swear I will make things right for my little girl. I will be the dad I never had.” And I don’t know how he did it, but he did it.

Love-Stories-Makes-Me-Think

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O- blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin brother has O- blood. I explained to him that it was a matter of life and death. He sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to his parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took his blood and he asked, “So when will I die?” He thought he was giving his life for hers. Thankfully, they’ll both be fine.

Love-Stories-Makes-Me-Think

Today, when she woke up from an eleven month coma, she kissed me and said, “Thank you for being here, and telling me those beautiful stories, and never giving up on me… And yes, I will marry you.”

Love-Stories-Makes-Me-Think

Today, I walked up to the door of my office (I’m a florist) at 7AM to find a uniformed Army soldier standing out front waiting. He was on his way to the airport to go to Afghanistan for a year. He said, “I usually bring home a bouquet of flowers for my wife every Friday and I don’t want to let her down when I’m away.” He then placed an order for 52 Friday afternoon deliveries of flowers to his wife’s office and asked me to schedule one for each week until he returns. I gave him a 50% discount.