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“The Gift Of Having His Eyes Opened”: Teen Gives Father A Reality Check On His 50th B-Day
Interview With ExpertYoung men who grew up with their fathers who were emotionally absent in their lives typically carry a multitude of struggles. One of them is deep-rooted resentment, which they will eventually act on, one way or another.
For this teenage boy, his dad was not only an absentee parent but also showed blatant favoritism toward his stepsiblings. With all the pain and discontent stewing from within, he planned to let it all out through a gift for his father’s 50th birthday.
While his grievances were unsurprising, his stepmother thought he was exaggerating the situation.
RELATED:
Young men with emotionally absent fathers typically have a chip on their shoulder
Image credits: valeriygoncharukphoto / Envato (not the actual photo)
This teenage boy missed out on most of his childhood because his dad chose to be more present for his stepsiblings
Image credits: GroundPicture / Envato (not the actual photo)
His painful grievances began piling up, and he started to hold onto to the resentement
Image credits: djoronimo / Envato (not the actual photo)
He planned to let out all the pain through a birthday gift for his father, which only worsened his situation
Image credits: KaydZXYN
Young men perceive their father’s absence as a reflection of their self-worth
A father’s presence profoundly shapes a boy’s life into the kind of man he grows up to be. It is also tied to the young person’s self-worth, and the absence of a male parental figure can be damaging.
“An absentee father affects a son differently (compared to an absentee mother) because sons often look to their fathers to understand what it means to be a man and to feel valued,” EMDR-trained marriage and family therapist Aja Chavez told Bored Panda, adding that the lack of connection may also leave a gap in the boy’s sense of identity.
Psychologist Dr. Nick Bach, who directly works with teens and families facing emotional pain from parental absence, stated that a father’s absence may “pierce through the core” of a boy’s identity, strength, and belonging.
“When a teenager is sidelined emotionally by his father, yet his father arrives dutifully for the stepchildren, the cruel message conveyed is: ‘I am not enough,” Dr. Bach explained.
Chavez adds that the struggles of growing up with an emotionally absent father are quiet. As she explained, it typically manifests as feelings of rejection and confusion, especially when he sees his father prioritizing other people. In this story’s case, it’s the author’s stepsiblings.
Meanwhile, Dr. Bach emphasized the damaging effects on the child’s self-worth, which can manifest as detachment and lifelong resentment, ultimately affecting their understanding of manhood.
“Boys, when they try to talk about their anger with their fathers, often feel guilty for fear of seeming weak or ungrateful,” Dr. Bach said.
Healing from the emotional absence of a father comes from expressing truth for one’s own sake
The author continued to harbor a deep-seated resentment toward his father, which is understandable. However, he may have expressed his pain in an unhealthy way by focusing on eliciting a response from his dad.
According to Chavez, the focus should be internal, specifically on healing by expressing the truth, and nothing else.
“The healthiest outlet is often to start by writing it all down in a letter he doesn’t have to send,” Chavez said, clarifying that it is more about voicing the pain without the risk of immediate invalidation.
Art therapist and wellness expert Dr. Eleni Nicolau also advocates for a healthier expression of grievances. He advises channeling anger and resentment into drawings that depict patterns of relationships.
“It provides him with a definite place at which to start talking without losing his way about what he wants to say,” she said.
Meanwhile, Dr. Bach encourages expressing pain without shame and instead adopting a direct, matter-of-fact approach. He also stressed one important point: it must be in a setting where the erring father is there to listen, not defend himself.
The story’s author may have added fuel to the fire with his list of resentments, as it only created more division within the family. However, he may also have felt that it was the only way for him to air out his outrage. He is clearly in deep pain, and it may help him to seek professional help.
The author provided more information in his story
Most people in the comments sided with him and offered their advice
Others had their reasons for stating why he was at fault
And there were those believed everyone had their share of mistakes
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What do you think ?
Joe Reaves 3 weeks ago
The person suggesting he's kidnapped may be onto something. Not that he was kidnapped by a stranger but a custodial kidnapping. He seems like the kind of person who might well kidnap his own child not because he loved his child and wanted him but to hurt the mother.
Lee Gilliland 3 weeks ago
That stood out to me, too. His dad won't answer questions? I suggest he starts digging into Dad's past on the interwebs. I would not be shocked to find this is a milk-carton kid, and now all you mellenials + can explain that reference.
Load More Replies...
Anne Roberts 3 weeks ago
The OP put up with being ignored and "othered" for years. Who cares if his dad is upset? He deserved to know how he made his son feel.
Paul C 3 weeks ago
Another sad story of a scummy parent abandoning their child for the person they want to share a bed with. Can't believe the YTA loonies on this.
Lee Gilliland 3 weeks ago
Why do you think they're YTAers? Betcha anything they're also cheaters.
Load More Replies...
Mike F 3 weeks ago
This is heartbreaking. I feel for the kid, my s***m donor bailed on my brother and I before we were 8 & 9, without a word. I didn't find out until I was in my 50s that he took off to Florida and changed his name to duck CS obligations and died in the 80s. It's got to be awful having to live with someone who doesn't care enough to make sure you get to the events he signed you up for, then watching his involvement with someone else's kids. Just wow.
Mark Childers 2 weeks ago
Poor kid, and he's going to have a rough time making it on his own in this economy. I hope he makes it.
Kate Johnson 2 weeks ago
Now you've had your say, you don't need to leave a note when you leave and go no contact. Hope you find your own "family". One you choose and who chooses you.
Joyce Brown 3 weeks ago
To the yta's: you have never been in this bad of a situation, or you would be high-fiving this young person right now. You're all 'armchair quarterbacks', and none of you are actual quarterbacks. I hope this young man makes a great life for himself with friends and family that he chooses (preferably far away from his father). I see you clearly, young man. You have not lost your decency or capacity to give and receive love, despite your crappy father. Go out and create your world! From a real old lady who has lived many years and can spot a winner from a mile away:)
Livingwithcfs 3 weeks ago
Not the way to handle his resentment. Yes his dad is an AH but all the OP has done is make himself look like a self centered teenager - I understand why he did it, just not how. He definitely needs therapy though and maybe a wider family member could have him stay with them?
Michael Largey 3 weeks ago
Timing is both everything and a matter of taste. I would have waited till I was a young adult and living on my own. I would have sent it when they asked why they saw so little of me. "Oh, I just didn't want to distract you from the children you actually value." and included the list as explanation.
Lee Gilliland 3 weeks ago
Yes, but then again you're an adult and a bit more level-headed. This kid's 17, cut him some slack.
Load More Replies...
Crystalwitch60 3 weeks ago
What the hell planet do them loser YTA sick trolls live on cos it ain’t THIS ONE !! 🤬vile inhuman s c u m the lot of em OP as a mum huge mum hugs to you , I left home at 16 when I had to go n live with ,y father n step mum, ( my mum died when I was8 mths old ,at HIS HANDS , but I didn’t know this till I was 46 , n he blamed me all my life 🤷♀️) ,but I’m in uk ,n back then 1981 ,we could leave school at 15 I DID lol n leave home at 16 , in USA you can become emancipated from your parents at 14 ,so at 17 look in to this please , and please please please find out about your mum , there was one as mentioned maybe your a kidnapped kid ,being USA that’s actually not to out there , ,you need to know ,trust me ,cos your father is treating you badly for a reason , n it’s not just the step mum!! I m also one of those to the nice kind I add x in fact I was a step mum long before I was a mum ,! Something else is going on here and you NEED TO KNOW ! We here for you op, update us ❤️
Joe Reaves 3 weeks ago
The person suggesting he's kidnapped may be onto something. Not that he was kidnapped by a stranger but a custodial kidnapping. He seems like the kind of person who might well kidnap his own child not because he loved his child and wanted him but to hurt the mother.
Lee Gilliland 3 weeks ago
That stood out to me, too. His dad won't answer questions? I suggest he starts digging into Dad's past on the interwebs. I would not be shocked to find this is a milk-carton kid, and now all you mellenials + can explain that reference.
Load More Replies... Anne Roberts 3 weeks ago
The OP put up with being ignored and "othered" for years. Who cares if his dad is upset? He deserved to know how he made his son feel.
Paul C 3 weeks ago
Another sad story of a scummy parent abandoning their child for the person they want to share a bed with. Can't believe the YTA loonies on this.
Lee Gilliland 3 weeks ago
Why do you think they're YTAers? Betcha anything they're also cheaters.
Load More Replies... Mike F 3 weeks ago
This is heartbreaking. I feel for the kid, my s***m donor bailed on my brother and I before we were 8 & 9, without a word. I didn't find out until I was in my 50s that he took off to Florida and changed his name to duck CS obligations and died in the 80s. It's got to be awful having to live with someone who doesn't care enough to make sure you get to the events he signed you up for, then watching his involvement with someone else's kids. Just wow.
Mark Childers 2 weeks ago
Poor kid, and he's going to have a rough time making it on his own in this economy. I hope he makes it.
Kate Johnson 2 weeks ago
Now you've had your say, you don't need to leave a note when you leave and go no contact. Hope you find your own "family". One you choose and who chooses you.
Joyce Brown 3 weeks ago
To the yta's: you have never been in this bad of a situation, or you would be high-fiving this young person right now. You're all 'armchair quarterbacks', and none of you are actual quarterbacks. I hope this young man makes a great life for himself with friends and family that he chooses (preferably far away from his father). I see you clearly, young man. You have not lost your decency or capacity to give and receive love, despite your crappy father. Go out and create your world! From a real old lady who has lived many years and can spot a winner from a mile away:)
Livingwithcfs 3 weeks ago
Not the way to handle his resentment. Yes his dad is an AH but all the OP has done is make himself look like a self centered teenager - I understand why he did it, just not how. He definitely needs therapy though and maybe a wider family member could have him stay with them?
Michael Largey 3 weeks ago
Timing is both everything and a matter of taste. I would have waited till I was a young adult and living on my own. I would have sent it when they asked why they saw so little of me. "Oh, I just didn't want to distract you from the children you actually value." and included the list as explanation.
Lee Gilliland 3 weeks ago
Yes, but then again you're an adult and a bit more level-headed. This kid's 17, cut him some slack.
Load More Replies... Crystalwitch60 3 weeks ago
What the hell planet do them loser YTA sick trolls live on cos it ain’t THIS ONE !! 🤬vile inhuman s c u m the lot of em OP as a mum huge mum hugs to you , I left home at 16 when I had to go n live with ,y father n step mum, ( my mum died when I was8 mths old ,at HIS HANDS , but I didn’t know this till I was 46 , n he blamed me all my life 🤷♀️) ,but I’m in uk ,n back then 1981 ,we could leave school at 15 I DID lol n leave home at 16 , in USA you can become emancipated from your parents at 14 ,so at 17 look in to this please , and please please please find out about your mum , there was one as mentioned maybe your a kidnapped kid ,being USA that’s actually not to out there , ,you need to know ,trust me ,cos your father is treating you badly for a reason , n it’s not just the step mum!! I m also one of those to the nice kind I add x in fact I was a step mum long before I was a mum ,! Something else is going on here and you NEED TO KNOW ! We here for you op, update us ❤️
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