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Spouses Cut Ties With Relatives After BIL Claims “Parental Rights” Over Their IVF Baby
In a book I read a couple of years ago, I found the opinion that the ethical and moral development of our society has catastrophically lagged behind technological progress. We can do amazing, fantastic things, but our attitudes toward them remain largely outdated and patriarchal.
We’ve created artificial intelligence, but we don’t know if it can be considered a fully-fledged person. IVF and surrogacy have long been a reality in our society, but gamete donors still often consider themselves the “true” parents. So, today’s story, from the user u/carmanthecar, only confirms this experience.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
IVF has become a true salvation for many families across the world nowadays, but it also raises many ethical issues
Image credits: Michael T / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The author of the post and her wife always wanted to have a baby, but the spouse turned out to be infertile, and the author herself has a medical condition that makes it dangerous for her health
Image credits: carmanthecar
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The author’s mother-in-law suggested that her son could be the donor – in order to “get family genes passed on”
Image credits: carmanthecar
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
So they did – the man signed all the papers, and nine months later, the author’s wife gave birth to a healthy boy
Image credits: carmanthecar
Image credits: DC Studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
But then the man claimed he considers the boy his son, despite all the papers and the author’s objections
Image credits: carmanthecar
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The author ended up having a huge fight with him and literally kicked him out
Image credits: carmanthecar
Some of the man’s relatives sided with him – and now the family is literally torn apart
So, the Original Poster (OP) and her wife had long wanted a child, but several factors complicated matters. Firstly, the author’s wife discovered she was infertile. Secondly, our heroine herself has serious medical concerns about pregnancy and childbirth. Finally, almost the entire wife’s family was vehemently opposed to the idea of adoption.
The only remaining option was IVF, with the OP’s wife carrying the child. And then her mother (the author’s mother-in-law) suggested that her son be the male donor – so that “the family could get their genes ‘passed on.'” Please don’t ask me about the moral and ethical side of the matter – from a biological standpoint, everything should’ve been fine, since the egg was planned to be taken from the author.
So, that’s what they did. The OP’s brother-in-law signed all the necessary papers waiving all claims to paternity, and nine months later, the author’s wife gave birth to a healthy and wonderful boy. The parents were completely happy, but then another problem arose.
One day, while talking to her brother-in-law, our heroine heard him say that he considered the newborn his son anyway. The author clarified that legally he was an uncle and nothing more, but he refuted everything she said and repeated that the baby was technically “their son.”
The author went berserk and literally kicked him out of their home, and her wife completely agreed. However, that same evening, the original poster received a call from her sister-in-law, her wife’s sis, who lashed out with criticism and insults, defending her brother. Now the family is literally torn apart, and the OP and her wife have effectively cut all ties with those relatives…
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
This situation raises two complexities: ethical and genetic. While from a medical perspective, using the gametes of the pregnant woman’s brother, if the egg is taken from another woman, poses no risks to the baby’s health (modern research confirms this), the ethical question remains open.
For example, a similar situation a quarter of a century ago in France nearly led to a lawsuit and the siblings being accused of blatantly disregarding social norms. However, modern law in most countries clearly states that if all the proper paperwork is signed, the donor is not legally considered a parent.
To prevent possible mental health complications, most clinics providing IVF have a system of counseling with psychoanalysts and lawyers. According to the original poster, all three participants in this case took part in counseling and therapy to ensure there would be no future claims. As we can see, all these procedures were quite ineffective…
Many commenters under the original post were quite surprised by the bizarre nature of the situation, but everyone clearly agreed with the original poster and her wife. Apparently, the responders believe that things turned out to be much more difficult for the man than he had previously anticipated, but the process can no longer be reversed. So what’s your point of view regarding this story?
Most commenters gave the author their support, claiming that the brother-in-law was acting unreasonably here
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What do you think ?
Tabitha 1 month ago
Please read carefully folks. Now, let’s get this all straight, once and for all. It was OP’s egg with her partner’s brother’s s***m, and the partner carried the pregnancy because it is too much of a risk for OP. There was NO incest involved, as the egg was OP’s. Just because you carry a baby in this modern world doesn’t magically mean you are the biological mother and your DNA took over the other woman’s, the actual bio mother’s egg. This was all very straightforward, including the BIL donor agreeing to just be the child’s UNCLE, not father. That’s the crux of the issue, that he is now going against their agreement—-which he was fine with and signed—-for him to NOT assert any parental rights to the child. He is the uncle, not the father for all intents and purposes. If it wasn’t for the family’s antiquated obsession with “bloodlines”, BIL wouldn’t have been involved at all.
Binky Melnik 3 weeks ago
Incest? That’s the act of boning a relative. There was no boning involved in the creation of this baby; anyone who thinks this is “incest” is goofy.
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
Why on earth would you humor a eugenics-y family by caving on adoption? If you wanted to protect your child, you'd make sure they wouldn't lay any claim to your child. W
Ellinor she/they/elle 1 month ago
But the BIL signed away his rights, they don't have any claim to the child.
Load More Replies...
Livingwithcfs 1 month ago
I think she's overlooked the very point she made in replays to her post. BIL and his wife are trying to get pregnant. It sounds like it's not happening for them in a time frame they've set, or they may have had news if fertility issues of their own. I think BIL may be feeling scared he may not be a father to his own children and he wants to claim the baby because of this. At least that's my read on the post
Ellinor she/they/elle 1 month ago
NTA. BIL needs to calm the fùck down and go eat sh!t. He provided sp3rm and that was it, that doesn't make him a father or else many people on this Earth would also be fathers or mothers of 20+ kids. He signed the agreement saying that he was just the uncle and that's all he is, or would have been if he hadn't open his mouth and had himself banned from the baby's life forever. Now I advise OP and her wife to stay very far from him because who knows how far he'll take it once the baby will be older.
J R 1 month ago (edited)
NTA. It's really creepy how they had so many conversations and therapy about this and then he changed. Either he was lying or possibly seeing his bio son made him change his mind about how he wanted to be involved. But that's still not something he can just decide on his own. They made it clear they just wanted him to be an uncle, and he agreed. On a side note, I kinda feel like maybe it's not a great idea to have close family members as a donor. I'm sure in many cases it's gone well. But I've seen at least a few of these types of stories where similar things happen with a donor/surrogate wanting a bit more than originally discussed.
Lee Gilliland 1 month ago
This is carefully edited so you don't really read the important point the first time - this is BIL's first kid. He gave birth artificially before his own wife got pregnant, and that's why he said what he said. I daresay had BIL already had a kid he wouldn't have made the remark.
nana theater 1 month ago
S***m is not a bad word. It does not have to be censored. S***m s***m s***m s***m.
JB 1 month ago (edited)
Not a psych, so this is pure speculation. BIL was fine with the idea when it was conceptual (pun absolutely intended), but we know he wanted (a) kid(s). Could be that once there was an actual baby he transferred his feelings onto the existing child. Emotions are not subject to logic nor legality. I don’t blame OP or wife for their reaction to his claim of fatherhood but, since he was open to counselling, perhaps an invitation to revisit the therapist who guided them through the initial decision would have helped them all process, “what changed?” I’m hoping BIL just found himself overwhelmed by paternal feelings he hadn’t anticipated, spoke out of turn, and reacted emotionally when reminded, “You’re just the spērm donor and uncle”. It isn’t often talked about, but men get broody too.
Lee Gilliland 1 month ago
I daresay had he already had a kid this wouldn't have happened.
Load More Replies... Tabitha 1 month ago
Please read carefully folks. Now, let’s get this all straight, once and for all. It was OP’s egg with her partner’s brother’s s***m, and the partner carried the pregnancy because it is too much of a risk for OP. There was NO incest involved, as the egg was OP’s. Just because you carry a baby in this modern world doesn’t magically mean you are the biological mother and your DNA took over the other woman’s, the actual bio mother’s egg. This was all very straightforward, including the BIL donor agreeing to just be the child’s UNCLE, not father. That’s the crux of the issue, that he is now going against their agreement—-which he was fine with and signed—-for him to NOT assert any parental rights to the child. He is the uncle, not the father for all intents and purposes. If it wasn’t for the family’s antiquated obsession with “bloodlines”, BIL wouldn’t have been involved at all.
Binky Melnik 3 weeks ago
Incest? That’s the act of boning a relative. There was no boning involved in the creation of this baby; anyone who thinks this is “incest” is goofy.
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
Why on earth would you humor a eugenics-y family by caving on adoption? If you wanted to protect your child, you'd make sure they wouldn't lay any claim to your child. W
Ellinor she/they/elle 1 month ago
But the BIL signed away his rights, they don't have any claim to the child.
Load More Replies... Livingwithcfs 1 month ago
I think she's overlooked the very point she made in replays to her post. BIL and his wife are trying to get pregnant. It sounds like it's not happening for them in a time frame they've set, or they may have had news if fertility issues of their own. I think BIL may be feeling scared he may not be a father to his own children and he wants to claim the baby because of this. At least that's my read on the post
Ellinor she/they/elle 1 month ago
NTA. BIL needs to calm the fùck down and go eat sh!t. He provided sp3rm and that was it, that doesn't make him a father or else many people on this Earth would also be fathers or mothers of 20+ kids. He signed the agreement saying that he was just the uncle and that's all he is, or would have been if he hadn't open his mouth and had himself banned from the baby's life forever. Now I advise OP and her wife to stay very far from him because who knows how far he'll take it once the baby will be older.
J R 1 month ago (edited)
NTA. It's really creepy how they had so many conversations and therapy about this and then he changed. Either he was lying or possibly seeing his bio son made him change his mind about how he wanted to be involved. But that's still not something he can just decide on his own. They made it clear they just wanted him to be an uncle, and he agreed. On a side note, I kinda feel like maybe it's not a great idea to have close family members as a donor. I'm sure in many cases it's gone well. But I've seen at least a few of these types of stories where similar things happen with a donor/surrogate wanting a bit more than originally discussed.
Lee Gilliland 1 month ago
This is carefully edited so you don't really read the important point the first time - this is BIL's first kid. He gave birth artificially before his own wife got pregnant, and that's why he said what he said. I daresay had BIL already had a kid he wouldn't have made the remark.
nana theater 1 month ago
S***m is not a bad word. It does not have to be censored. S***m s***m s***m s***m.
JB 1 month ago (edited)
Not a psych, so this is pure speculation. BIL was fine with the idea when it was conceptual (pun absolutely intended), but we know he wanted (a) kid(s). Could be that once there was an actual baby he transferred his feelings onto the existing child. Emotions are not subject to logic nor legality. I don’t blame OP or wife for their reaction to his claim of fatherhood but, since he was open to counselling, perhaps an invitation to revisit the therapist who guided them through the initial decision would have helped them all process, “what changed?” I’m hoping BIL just found himself overwhelmed by paternal feelings he hadn’t anticipated, spoke out of turn, and reacted emotionally when reminded, “You’re just the spērm donor and uncle”. It isn’t often talked about, but men get broody too.
Lee Gilliland 1 month ago
I daresay had he already had a kid this wouldn't have happened.
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