People Are Calling Out Toxic Parenting Tactics That Are Still Often Viewed As “Normal” (30 Answers)
Parents like to say that they know what’s best for their child. And who are we to argue? But in some cases, common parenting tactics, even if meant for the best interest of a child, can do more harm than good.
So recently, a thread on r/AskReddit got people weighing in on “normal” parenting tactics that shouldn't be considered normal. Even though discussing parenting with others always verges on the thin line of getting into an argument, some of the responses are truly thoughtful. Think of being protective and overprotective, or comparing a child to their siblings; how much of it is actually toxic?
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Refusing to apologize when you’re wrong.
Apologize to your children when you're wrong. Admit you don't know something when asked. Change your mind when your child gives you a valid reason. I grew up in an authoritarian household. ... It only teaches kids they have no voice.
Saying that a kid has a boyfriend/girlfriend any time they are close friends with a child who isn't the same gender. On top of reinforcing the idea that boys and girls can't ever be strictly platonic friends, it's so creepy to project adult ideas of romantic relationships onto kids who are practically still toddlers.
Telling your kids your personal problems. Like, 'Your dad is horrible; he didn’t even do the dishes. I hate my marriage.' Your kids are not your therapist. Also, they can’t do anything to solve your problem. Instead, address your issues with your spouse and a therapist.
'You can tell me, and I won't be mad' followed by punishing them for whatever they admit. Then they wonder why their kids never talk to them.
I am sure I have as many parental failings as anyone else (possibly more) but I've never understood this one, even if a parent does stick to not being angry. I've always said to my kids that if they've wronged someone, by accident or on purpose, then that person has a right to be angry. Of course they also have a responsibility about how they behave, just because you let someone down or scratched their car or whatever doesn't mean they can now hit you or pour personal insults on you. But yes, they have a right to express how they feel and you have to accept that. It doesn't mean you're less of a person, it means you're taking it on the chin as you should. I then talk about how these things will come out somehow and that person will always end up angry at some point, and it's a million times better to be upfront and in control and deal with it as soon as possible, than for them to find out you've lied and hidden it from then. Boy, then they're really going to be furious.
Being overly protective. If you don't let your kids fail or protect them too much, they'll be less capable of doing so once they've left home. Failure is good; just provide a safety net.
Failure is a great teacher. Frankly so is pain. To a point, if you don’t let them fail, they will freak out when they do, and they will.
Getting mad for 'disrespect' or 'talking back' when their kids win an argument.
Using humiliation and embarrassment as a punishment.
It's one thing to put a kid in someone else's shoes to show them shaming someone for being different isn't cool. But what this one means is it's toxic to actually cause traumatic humiliation and embarrassment for something like soiling the bed at night, or publicly shaming them just because they did something wrong at home.
Taking away their privacy. Unless your kid has a serious drug or self-harm problem, violating their privacy will almost certainly do more harm than good to their mental health, trust, and their relationship to you. It doesn't matter if it's installing spyware on their phones, tracking their movements, or taking away their bedroom door.
Telling little boys that they cant defend themselves against a girl who is hitting them just because theyre a girl. Thats bs, i was taught to fight back no matter who attacks you. Theres no gender in mutual combat.
EXACTLY. I remember being hit by a boy in kindergarten, and the teacher told him he couldn't hit me because I was a girl. I was FURIOUS. 'I've got a right to be hit! I WANT TO BE HIT!' Long story short, my parents got called in along with the parents of the boy and there was a whole thing about it.
Invalidating their kids' emotions, be it ignoring or shutting them down.
"Stop f*****g crying or I will slap you" one or my dads greatest hits
Making a child eat everything on their plate if they say they aren't hungry anymore. Do you want you kid to have an eating disorder? No, then don't because that's how you can cause one.
That said, you have to allow that parents do know their children and they do know when a child 'isn't hungry' because they have a standard main course and can't be bothered, but half an hour later are going to be whining in the kitchen because they're hungry and can they just have some biscuits or crisps. There's a balancing act, this is why parenting is harding than it looks on the surface.
Forced affection.
This is controversial (especially here in America) but I feel like we say “I love you” way too much to the point it loses its meaning. My dad (who was extremely emotionally abusive) used to force me to say the words “I love you daddy” to him, in private and in front of other people. By nature I have never been an affectionate person, especially in front of others. I don’t like to hug and kiss a lot.
I also don’t believe in making children hug people. If the child wants to hug them, they will. It shouldn’t be forced.
I have an acquaintance whose son's answer to being told "no" is "I love you", like that should change the answer to yes.
Comparing them to their siblings. The good old, 'Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?' does nothing for their self-esteem and really can keep them from becoming their own person. That's all they should be anyway — themselves, not their siblings.
I refused to be like my brother in school simply for that reason. My parents always used that line on me and I HATED it. Not just because my brother was a huge d**k head and a bully.
The old “as long as I’m feeding you, clothing you, you’ll do what i say!” Or the “just be grateful i put a roof over your head”.
Specially If your parents constantly use that sentence to boss you around, disregard your opinions and wants, and belittle you. You didn’t asked to be born. And it’s their obligation to take care of you, not something they should loom over your head as leverage.
Isn’t it crazy how some parents have this mentality? It never even crossed my mind when I had my kids, did everything I was supposed to do, especially the essentials.
I’m not sure if this is “normal” or just something I see online.. but mums pulling the “just wait till dad gets home” card. Why would you want your kids to be afraid of their dad? And why should the dad have to play bad cop all the time? The last thing I want is my partner coming home from work and yelling at the kids for me.
Yes! My parents always yell at me together. It's a team job. But it does have the effect of alienating neither of them. And I get my own back when it's my turn to lay the table--I give them sporks instead of forks.
Overly accommodating and praising children.
My sister always excelled in academics and was also an accomplished pianist in high school. My parents didn’t make her do any of the chores I had to in order to 'preserve her hands for piano.' Her excellence at school, in clubs, and with piano also kind of led to her being constantly praised by people around her. Now, in her mid-twenties, she lacks basic life skills (cooking, cleaning, and even self-cleaning) and is unable to take any criticism, no matter how small.
I was chastised because I was teaching my younger brother how to wash clothes and prepare meals after our mom died. He was only twelve, but I was ten years older. I felt like he deserved a boost to be able to fend for himself and clean up after himself.
Not explaining their decisions. Like, 'You have to do this because I'm your mom/dad, and I say so. End of discussion!' Instead, you can bring your kids on board with sooo many of the decisions you make for them if you take the time to explain your reasoning to them. Kids understand more than a lot of parents think — just give them a chance.
There is a small step before explaining EVERYTHING about your decisions - sometimes you have to make a decision because otherwise your electricity will be cut off, and telling the truth will unnecessarily cause your child to worry about the household finances when they are much too young to grasp every nuance or be able to do a damn thing about it and becomes one of those people who watches every single penny well into adulthood even though they have a good job and a comfortable life. Sometimes "because" is the right answer to protect a child.
Making your female children change clothes when male family members come over.
wait what do people even do this??? I was only told to change if I was in PJ's!
Taking away things that the child has earned for themselves. If your kid is old enough to work and use that money to purchase something for themselves than it's thiers and you have no right to take it. I don't care if it's a car or a playstation 5.
Same thing with the money itself. Just because your kid is old enough to work and bring home a paycheck doesn't mean you're entitled to that money. I personally had to open up a brand new bank account the day I turned 18 because my mother helped herself to over $700 of my money. When I confronted her she basically told me "[screw] you I'm the adult on the account so it's my money too!"
Happened in another way to my brother and me too. We inherited from an aunt each 2000 €. Parents never gave even a cent and spent all on debts them had run up. My brother was 15, I was 18.
Forcing your children to give family members that make them uncomfortable, hugs and kisses. Additionally inviting family who actively distress your kid to your house to stay for an extended period and forcing the kid to be nice and interact.
If a kid doesn't want to hugged by someone they should be able to say "No thank you, I don't want to hug." And the adults can deal with their own offence/embarassment/ discomfort/ rejection. The burden of managing the feelings and reactions of adults should not be placed on the shoulders of a socially anxious ten year old.
Giving in when your child is being difficult. It teaches them all they have to do to get what they want is throw a fit. You're encouraging more difficult behavior.
The correct way to handle it is sit in whatever storm they whip up. Stay calm and hold the boundary.
My son used to throw huge tantrums when he was little. I always did the same thing: looked into his eyes, told him I loved him very much, stand next to him and let him cry. I never caved. I never yelled at him. I just let him have his feelings and when he was done, we'd do whatever it was we were doing. Worked like a charm.
Invalidating their emotions just bc they're children, Cruel jokes ab their physical appareance or behaviour
Saying anything along the lines of 'just be happy.' Like thanks, my depression is cured — especially since depression runs in my family on both sides.
THIS. Mental illnesses aren't just 'being sad' and 'being happy' isn't some kind of internal switch you can flick. See a therapist who knows what they're doing and take their advice. Also, eat chocolate. It encourages the production of endorphins. Also chocolate.
Gaslighting their children into believing things that are simply not true in order to defend themselves.
You mean like telling them that people working in the fastfood industry do not deserve to earn a livable wage and they are some sort of lower species that doesn't deserve any respect at all.
Being overly involved in your childs life. I'm talking about relationships. Your child should have their own relationships without the parent acting like the third wheel, and seeking validation from the friends or partner too. Being involved is a good thing, but when you are so invested in their relationships too it can be damaging to your kid and their future relationships.
Letting one sibling bully another and turning a blind eye, with the philosophy that they should work everything out for themselves. Punishing both siblings equally when one is 3 years older, much larger, much stronger, much more verbally sophisticated and adept at manipulation, and when the younger one complains, shutting them up by saying, "Well, did he put a gun to your head?"
That's how you teach a kid to be a victim.
Another side to it: the older sibling by 7 years gets her first record player. 5 year old sister gets exact same record player because "you have to be fair".
Mine was watching my older siblings get record players at a certain age and hoping desperately that I would in my turn. Never happened. I didn't say anything, maybe money was tighter, but I can think of several examples like that.
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Or the opposite. Punishing the old sibling and not the young even when the young was the trounlemaker "because she doesnt know better". Thats how my sister got away with everything for like 10 years
Oh I remember when my older sister started to scream like hell out of nothing, then get up, approach me and beat the snot out of me. The second I got to defend myself, mom came in and saw me fight back. Of course I got punished, every time. Years later I found out my mom knew very well.
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Make this number 1, please. My sister (and only sibling) was 5 years older. I was 2 when she started. I couldn't make a sentence; she could write words. What was I supposed to do? And the pattern never stopped as we got older. "Get along!" was what I was told. "Get along! Why can't you get along!"...TLDR : If your kid is bullying your other kid.... look in a mirror to answer WHY. Squabbling isn't the same as bullying, and bullying is not squabbling. The end.
Ugh... how dare you not be as far advanced as your much older sister!! We were told 'you're all weird, other children get along so why can't you'. Sad thing was that we were all actually far better than she had been with her siblings and most other families that I've seen since! We only had minor squabbles.
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THIS! My (2 yrs older) brother was relentlessly cruel to me throughout our childhood. My parents didn't know how to make him stop, and I guess they thought I was annoying or something(?) because they held me 100% responsible for avoiding/enduring his cruelty. Now we are in our forties and when he gets mad over nothing and throws things, then sulks in a corner, parents blame me. Not my fault he's a delicate man-child that has a melt down when his weird insecurities flare up. It's theirs and his. I've talked to the guy maybe ten times in twenty-five years - his issues are none of my business.
This is too relatable for me. I had to wait until I was 11 to finally get a phone (I’m 12 now lol) and then my mom decided, well since I have a phone it’s only fair to give your sister one (my sister is 3 years younger than me) I was being bullied at school and I was begging for months to get a phone and I was thrilled to get an iPhone 12. Then my sister asks like once “mommy can I have a phone too?” And my mom just hands her an iPhone 5. I mean yeah her phone is old, but she can’t just be handed something to make everything fair. Because life isn’t supposed to be fair all the time, and doing this makes them think that it should be fair, when it really shouldn’t. Thank you for reading my long rant.
My son have twin school friends, their parents don't want to be "hostage" of their daughters trying to attract their attention with bad behavior, so they never interfer, specially when they fight. One of them is dominant and always get what she wants, so the other tends to "take revenge" when she feels the situation is unfair and she's not helped by her parents... revenge on the kids that she can dominate, like my daughter (2 years younger). And I'm a bad parent for interfering when my daughter is bullied, the kids must learn to find their way together. Well, I'm being a bad parent, that works for me...
My thing was... again... totally flipped. I'm the older one - and my younger sibling was FIRMLY raised to believe that I am a worthless imbecile. An irresponsible drain on the family, etc. etc... That I was just this spoiled, ungrateful demon... And they'd scold me daily for "not being active in raising" my younger sibling I'm the one who wore nothing but second-hand/hand-me-downs until I got my own job in Highschool wasn't allowed to get my license My younger sibling was the one who'd get the "you have to be fair" stuff... so whatever I DID end up getting... he'd get it too despite the fact that he didn't even want it. Not the other way though. He could ALWAYS get something and I was "older, so you should be more mature about this."
dont know if this relates but when I was on my way to school me and my brother were walking next to each other he was angry and I tried to ask him so he grabbed me and tried to push me into the road I was fine but I then called him a name ( I called him fat) when we got home I told mum he tried to push me in front of a car my brother told her I called him a name he was told you're fine now and I was told to go to my room so to recap my brother tried to push me into the road in front of a car and I called him fat I got introuble and he did not
For me, it was the opposite. My younger brother who was much stronger and faster than me (he played soccer and did a whole s**t ton more than me) and my brother got away with anything, and then I got blamed for whatever he did. He hid my da's wallet TWICE, and I got blamed both times for it and now I still have severe depression and self esteem issues.
Yes! This should be number one!!! My three year older brother was my biggest bully. My mom would ALWAYS take his side and punish me for things he did not me! He ended up being so spoiled that he can't cope in life as an adult! He married a complete crazy lady who no one but my mother will interact with. My other brother, myself, my father, and all extended family refuse to be around her and a lot him too. They're drunks and drug addicts who beat their three children. It's so sad! DCFS doesn't do anything for those kids. Needless to say, he destroyed my childhood and I refuse to allow him to do the same to my adulthood. He's a POS
My younger sibling was the bully. Everything they wanted they got, usually at my expense. If I complained I just had even more taken from me.
I've seen the opposite- where the younger gets away with murder and the older is punished for the younger's behavior because the parents found the younger too much work to discipline
or when younger sibling is constantly provoking and the older one already tried everything possible and now doesnt know how to handle it anymore and comes complaining to parents. they just say you are the older one, solve it you should be smarter than him/her. or even worse they punish bothnof tgem when only one is constantly provoking
Mom tried to be fair with the triplets. One Christmas they were about 3 she gave each a doll and a truck. One played with the doll, one played with the truck and one gave the doll a ride in the truck.
6 years difference here and my mom always said that she'd just let us fight and we should figure it out on our own... my brother was ALWAYS super tall and heavy and the fights didn't go well for me ( and i'm a girl... much smaller and much younger..didn't have fun "playing fights"..)
omg my step mother said I get a phone when I'm 15 she gave me mine this year on Easter a and my birthday is in July and ill be 16 but i know she already has one for her 10 yr old who will be 11 this yr. at Christmas time last yr me(15) and my 2 stepbrothers(10 and 9) had to share a phone and there was 2 hrs a day for us all to share we also had a kid messenger and they would read my messages to my bf and joke about it. She didn't care but when they did it to each other she told them to respect each others space.
Its the exact same with me, my brother, and my mom. My brother is always picking fights with me, and mind me, they get violent. He has the sharpest nails ever and uses them against my skin every. single. day. What does my mom do about it? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. She yells at me, and only me, because I "existed" so that means I have to be punished. Young sibling treatment shouldn't get this bad that I'm always crying because of my brother who is 4 years younger than me who is using this unfair treatment to his advantage.
My brother always laughs when I cry and as if it wasn't bad enough, my mom never said objected and actually laughed along.
I had to earn every one of my privileges. My sister would get the same privilege with in 6 months. It was not fair her to wait to be the same age as I when I (5 years older ) earned the the privilege.
When we were kids, my almost 4 year older bro wouldn’t have to start doing specific chores until I did. Make the bed: me-7, him-11. Clean room: Me-8, him-12. The only two subjects I ever got below a B+ in all through school was penmanship and AP Trig. Trig was made into a B because of the weighted scale, and they quit grading for penmanship by third grade. My bro? C’s and Ds for the most part that I remember, but somehow the prodigy child graduated a semester early. *I* graduated with a 3.89 GPA I think. I’ve never bother to ask his, but it’s obviously more impressive than mine, since he’s doing good to keep the same job as laborer-truck driver-heavy equipment operator fir a year at a time before he gets bored or pissed and changes jobs. But me being at the same job, working my way into management, for 10 years before I became disabled was a disappointment. Sigh. Whatever. I give up.
So THAT'S how I became a woman willing to be abused by a partner. That was my situation exactly. One of the two spankings I got in my life was when my sister had been tormenting me endlessly (I was maybe 4 or 5, she was 3 years older), and she stole my toy tarantula that was on a long tube (with a bulb you could squeeze to make it jump). My dad got home just as I was yelling and crying about it. He made her give it back to me (without chastising her for stealing it). FINALLY, some justice! I smugly took my spider and turned away from her, letting the tarantula swing on its cord just slightly toward her face, but not close enough to cause harm. BOOM! Daddy takes the toy away, sends me to my room, and then comes in and says, "I have to give you a spanking. That was VERY dangerous! You could have put her eye out." ..... Lesson learned: It's OK to let someone steal from you; be a victim. Don't celebrate if things go well for you.
Gotta be nice to your siblings. No one else is going to help you move!
My grandfather always said, "beat you both...I got the right one". I still resent that.
For me it's when they don't let us work anything out. Like me and my sis will be arguing and my mom or dad will intervene and tell us to just shut up and stop and that's the end of it. Well that's great but how are we ever supposed to work out our problems?
Oh gosh, so happened to me because he was so intelligent, not just clever but really superbrain, I still dislike him.
Not necessarily personal experience, but I do think it's absurd how often parents will speak of their own child as "spoiled" for having all kinds of nice possessions like video game systems, cell phones, cars, as if that wasn't entirely the parent's choice. If you don't think your kid should have those things for free, then don't buy them for the kid. Don't shower gifts on your child and then act like the child is a bad person for owning them.
People have this obnoxious reactionary/conservative tendency to speak automatically about kids as if they're brats who don't appreciate the nice things they have. People look at a place full of 13-year-olds with expensive phones in their pockets and act like it's the downfall of society. It's just assumed, based on nothing, that all those 13-year-olds must be ungrateful and entitled and believe they automatically deserve an expensive phone.
I feel this. One of my friends has severe depression and at one point she and I were travelling on a bus together. She was crying over her phone because her teacher had given her back an assignment she spent ages on and she'd got a terrible grade. I was comforting her, and this old guy yelled at us 'I don't believe your generation! No one here cares if you broke up with your boyfriend! Quit inflicting your noise on the rest of us!' So I yelled back at him, which only made my friend cry harder. We got off the bus a stop early and walked the rest of the way home.
Listening solely to other parents for advice. My mom listened to my grandmother instead of taking me to a psychiatrist. It wasn’t “a phase” it was autism and OCD. Now I’m in my 20s with trauma from the way my mental health was disregarded and autism leaving me more vulnerable to abuse. I’m left to navigate by myself.
Threatening to take away things and 50% of the time never actually doing it. Leads kids to live in a state of being unsure of what will happen. Take the thing away or don't.
ikr, like when i was a kid and my parents used to do this a lot, I just never thought of it as a punishment anymore because i knew it wouldnt happen.
Having kids before you've gone to therapy to address your own childhood trauma, as this just causes undue trauma on the kids
I have issues with my stepmother and I feel as though I would not pass that down if i had kids knowing this pain that it has caused.
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Emphasizing how big of a burden your children are, saying how much work you have to do to provide for them.
And yet you never asked for this life you have. That was their decision.
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Forcing your abusive religion on your children. No child should ever be told they're going to hell. Implying mental health issues are because of "sin". Denying mental health issues even exist and if they do then said child can't possibly have any because they're just naughty and dramatic. religion should be banned anyway.
When I was seven years old, I was told that my mother was going to Hell. (My parents have never been together, so I’m raised by both.) I can’t pull any direct quotes, but basically the gist of what they were saying was “you’ll be so happy worshipping the Lord in Heaven that you’ll forget about her.” It was either that, or that “she still has time to change.” I managed to hold it in in front of my Sunday School teacher, but that night I cried. I’ve been atheist since.
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"I spent a lot of money raising you, it's a loan and I expect to be paid back" is something I've been told growing up. We're poor, extremely poor because my father abandoned us so my mother wracked up a lot of debt to raise me but she always made sure Inknew exactly how much that debt was and how long it will take her to pay it off without my help. She would always tell me that if she dies before the debt is paid, I will still have to pay it off for her. Any extra pocket money I made as a child, I would hand it all over to her because I felt guilty for existing. I grew up feeling like she would have been happier if I was never born or if I died. At the ripe old age of 16, I started making plans and researching how to kill myself. I would submerge myself into a bathtub full of water and stay under until I started spasming from needing to breathe before surfacing. Luckily I never really went through with any of my attempts but her holding that debt over my head really did a number on my mental health
I wish you best of luck for getting past this, and to find happyness. Children owe their parents nothing – and I say that as a Father myself. What we can hope for is love – if we as parents loved unconditionally.
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This is oddly specific to me, but when dealing with grades and report cards and such, my parents would give me hell for my low math scores,and ignore any high scores I got in other classes( history, biology, science ) because " Your good at those and enjoy the subject, so they don't count." Just because I did well doesn't mean I didn't work for it. My parents tried to punish multiplication tables into me...Turns out I have a difficulty understanding math. All the spankings and groundings that I got for not reciting them on demand would have never helped.
Not specific to you. I got beat for a B in phys ed but my other marks were straight A. All it taught me was terror of the day my grades were sent to my parents.
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Teaching a child to identify with a group according to their skin color or their sexual preference rather than their unique values, dreams and loves.
"My house, my rules", punishing me for being left-handed; being taller (6ft) than an adult at 15; not being allowed to have my bedroom or bathroom door closed as a teenager; punished for things my younger siblings did because I was responsible for their behaviour, or expecting me to "set a good example" because I'm the oldest. My mom never protected me from being abused by my stepfather. Never pick anyone or anything over your kids!
Fam this is low key me now just without my step dad abusing me (and I’m a short af 13 yo)
Load More Replies... "Mommy juice" to cope with parenting. Your kids will know sooner than later their mom wasn't sober much of the time because she couldn't handle raising kids without alcohol. Saying "Don't get smart with me." Usually followed with "Smarten up!" Parents, it's okay to allow your kids to teach you something they've figured out.
Yes, this. When my son was born I promised he'd never see me drunk. And he hasn't at almost 17. He's seen his grandparents drunk though. That was fun for all of us.
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Using s**t/whore all types.of s**t shaming language towards your daughter as if you're taking about the weather. I brought you in ri this world I can take you out nonsense. Any type of narcissism or feelings of grandeur. If you're like this, just don't have kids. Ever.
To all the comments saying that these points are judge mental and you don't know what it's like...I do know what it's like. I am a parent. Have been for 18 years. No,not a perfect one. No one is perfect. I've made some mistakes and bad calls. But the points in these posts and comments go from bad all the way to physical and mental abuse. Just because that's how you were raised and you " turned out fine" doesn't mean it's ok to treat people like that. What you think is "fine" may be someone else's "mal-adjusted alcoholic with anger issues". But to the point, I am in those shoes, and I've made mistakes, but nothing as bad as a lot of these.
there are some things that need fixing in life and parenting, but I see parenting as this "if what you are doing, is the best for your child, doesn't cause mental problems, and helps your child to grow in the world, who is to say that you are a bad parent?" yes, I know my opinion will get downvotes but, sometimes you have to consider the background of some people, sometimes they are raised in a certain way, sometimes they talk advice from people but one thing is for sure, there will be bad advice but the important thing is that you can make your child feels that they are protected and loved. thanks for reading my opinion.
when you hurt or sick and they say your faking it just get attention,
Well, sometimes my son says his feet hurt to get out of soccer practise, but he's just lazy, lol. I usually let it slide.
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I hope I am not the only one that thinks majority of these seems to be written by kids or people without kids. Few are good points but most are absurd.
Don't tell them you'll give them up for adoption if they don't behave as you want them to, don't lock them into their room just because you're overwhelmed, be able to apologize, don't gaslight to hide your mistakes, don't have kids if you're unable to regulate your own emotions. Just... Don't have kids at all if you're mentally unstable, it'll only hurt them.
Gee thanx Not like my struggles with depression dont already make me feel guilty enough now I’m being told I should never have had kids as I’m just hurting them
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Parents are just people, they don't automatically gain knowledge and experience from giving birth to kids and raising them. I don't know why some moms like to say "you should have a kid yourself so you know." Well, it seems you don't either! People always make mistakes and parents do too. Also, stop glorifying parents as if they are some kind of heroes. Having a child is completely the person's own decision based on their own wants in most developed countries. I see a lot of adults with kids who can't even take care of their own problems. Ignorance is acceptable only when you are trying to learn to improve. You are responsible for someone's life and health. Take full responsibility until the kid reaches young adulthood, do the job right. If you can't, plan ahead and don't have a kid!
If only we had the energy and patience to all take heed. But eh, we parents are people too and teenagers can push you quite close to the point where the only way to get through seems to be to match their ar$ehole-ology.
That's a bad attitude to have. I know raising kids is hard and thankless but relegating it to the "it's too hard" basket and not trying to be better is not ok. None of these suggestions cost anything. Most are simple attitude shifts. If you can't refrain from being an ahole to a child with a developing brain then rethink? Yes i get you're human and not perfect and teens are a lot but we owe it to our kids to be better and at least try before getting defensive and shutting these suggestions down.
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When parents don't get their kids evaluated for autism/adhd ect because "its just a label"
‘That could have been you’ attacking your children for their choices can be very damaging to their mental health. Your kids should be allowed to make their own choices.
My favorite overheard in a restaurant ----> behave or I'll call the police and they will put you in jail...
Hello there! Sorry in advance for this rant but I do want to talk. I do feel that my parents are manipulative. I feel bad for some resentment I have and I'm not sure if it's valid. Basically, I'll just go through some things that my parents have done. They have been so strict with everything, and grades especially, I'm afraid to come home with so much as a low B. They'll be very judgemental about so many things that I'm afraid to express myself. I came out to them as bisexual, but as I've gotten older I've noticed that they're pretty homophobic, to say the least. When I told my mum she had to (and continues to) ask for confirmation that I "still like boys" and that I'm not a lesbian. As well as talking s**t about NB's and trans people. They always judge people for not being "normal". Just brushing me off whenever I question my mental health state. And recently, going off at me and calling me useless. There's more but I can't recall. I love them, but... Am I just being immature? help!
I hate it when parents said “I raised you and gave you a roof over your head so you should do this for me” like it wasn’t my choice to exist-
"I got my bottom tanned, too, when I was being unruly. Taught me respect and certainly didn't leave lasting damage". Yes, because finding it okay to be violent to a much smaller being and telling them it'll "hurt me more than you" is totally fine...
Divorced parents who let their new partner move in and expect their kids to like this person. Choosing sex over your children is ugly and selfish.
...i think this thread is kind of toxic. I imagine its harder being a parent than a high pressure job. So much judging.
No one is expecting parents to be perfect - just to think about the effect their decisions will have on their child, rather than blindly doing what they feel like.
Load More Replies... Emphasizing how big of a burden your children are, saying how much work you have to do to provide for them.
And yet you never asked for this life you have. That was their decision.
Load More Replies... Forcing your abusive religion on your children. No child should ever be told they're going to hell. Implying mental health issues are because of "sin". Denying mental health issues even exist and if they do then said child can't possibly have any because they're just naughty and dramatic. religion should be banned anyway.
When I was seven years old, I was told that my mother was going to Hell. (My parents have never been together, so I’m raised by both.) I can’t pull any direct quotes, but basically the gist of what they were saying was “you’ll be so happy worshipping the Lord in Heaven that you’ll forget about her.” It was either that, or that “she still has time to change.” I managed to hold it in in front of my Sunday School teacher, but that night I cried. I’ve been atheist since.
Load More Replies... "I spent a lot of money raising you, it's a loan and I expect to be paid back" is something I've been told growing up. We're poor, extremely poor because my father abandoned us so my mother wracked up a lot of debt to raise me but she always made sure Inknew exactly how much that debt was and how long it will take her to pay it off without my help. She would always tell me that if she dies before the debt is paid, I will still have to pay it off for her. Any extra pocket money I made as a child, I would hand it all over to her because I felt guilty for existing. I grew up feeling like she would have been happier if I was never born or if I died. At the ripe old age of 16, I started making plans and researching how to kill myself. I would submerge myself into a bathtub full of water and stay under until I started spasming from needing to breathe before surfacing. Luckily I never really went through with any of my attempts but her holding that debt over my head really did a number on my mental health
I wish you best of luck for getting past this, and to find happyness. Children owe their parents nothing – and I say that as a Father myself. What we can hope for is love – if we as parents loved unconditionally.
Load More Replies... This is oddly specific to me, but when dealing with grades and report cards and such, my parents would give me hell for my low math scores,and ignore any high scores I got in other classes( history, biology, science ) because " Your good at those and enjoy the subject, so they don't count." Just because I did well doesn't mean I didn't work for it. My parents tried to punish multiplication tables into me...Turns out I have a difficulty understanding math. All the spankings and groundings that I got for not reciting them on demand would have never helped.
Not specific to you. I got beat for a B in phys ed but my other marks were straight A. All it taught me was terror of the day my grades were sent to my parents.
Load More Replies... Teaching a child to identify with a group according to their skin color or their sexual preference rather than their unique values, dreams and loves.
"My house, my rules", punishing me for being left-handed; being taller (6ft) than an adult at 15; not being allowed to have my bedroom or bathroom door closed as a teenager; punished for things my younger siblings did because I was responsible for their behaviour, or expecting me to "set a good example" because I'm the oldest. My mom never protected me from being abused by my stepfather. Never pick anyone or anything over your kids!
Fam this is low key me now just without my step dad abusing me (and I’m a short af 13 yo)
Load More Replies... "Mommy juice" to cope with parenting. Your kids will know sooner than later their mom wasn't sober much of the time because she couldn't handle raising kids without alcohol. Saying "Don't get smart with me." Usually followed with "Smarten up!" Parents, it's okay to allow your kids to teach you something they've figured out.
Yes, this. When my son was born I promised he'd never see me drunk. And he hasn't at almost 17. He's seen his grandparents drunk though. That was fun for all of us.
Load More Replies... Using s**t/whore all types.of s**t shaming language towards your daughter as if you're taking about the weather. I brought you in ri this world I can take you out nonsense. Any type of narcissism or feelings of grandeur. If you're like this, just don't have kids. Ever.
To all the comments saying that these points are judge mental and you don't know what it's like...I do know what it's like. I am a parent. Have been for 18 years. No,not a perfect one. No one is perfect. I've made some mistakes and bad calls. But the points in these posts and comments go from bad all the way to physical and mental abuse. Just because that's how you were raised and you " turned out fine" doesn't mean it's ok to treat people like that. What you think is "fine" may be someone else's "mal-adjusted alcoholic with anger issues". But to the point, I am in those shoes, and I've made mistakes, but nothing as bad as a lot of these.
there are some things that need fixing in life and parenting, but I see parenting as this "if what you are doing, is the best for your child, doesn't cause mental problems, and helps your child to grow in the world, who is to say that you are a bad parent?" yes, I know my opinion will get downvotes but, sometimes you have to consider the background of some people, sometimes they are raised in a certain way, sometimes they talk advice from people but one thing is for sure, there will be bad advice but the important thing is that you can make your child feels that they are protected and loved. thanks for reading my opinion.
when you hurt or sick and they say your faking it just get attention,
Well, sometimes my son says his feet hurt to get out of soccer practise, but he's just lazy, lol. I usually let it slide.
Load More Replies... I hope I am not the only one that thinks majority of these seems to be written by kids or people without kids. Few are good points but most are absurd.
Don't tell them you'll give them up for adoption if they don't behave as you want them to, don't lock them into their room just because you're overwhelmed, be able to apologize, don't gaslight to hide your mistakes, don't have kids if you're unable to regulate your own emotions. Just... Don't have kids at all if you're mentally unstable, it'll only hurt them.
Gee thanx Not like my struggles with depression dont already make me feel guilty enough now I’m being told I should never have had kids as I’m just hurting them
Load More Replies... Parents are just people, they don't automatically gain knowledge and experience from giving birth to kids and raising them. I don't know why some moms like to say "you should have a kid yourself so you know." Well, it seems you don't either! People always make mistakes and parents do too. Also, stop glorifying parents as if they are some kind of heroes. Having a child is completely the person's own decision based on their own wants in most developed countries. I see a lot of adults with kids who can't even take care of their own problems. Ignorance is acceptable only when you are trying to learn to improve. You are responsible for someone's life and health. Take full responsibility until the kid reaches young adulthood, do the job right. If you can't, plan ahead and don't have a kid!
If only we had the energy and patience to all take heed. But eh, we parents are people too and teenagers can push you quite close to the point where the only way to get through seems to be to match their ar$ehole-ology.
That's a bad attitude to have. I know raising kids is hard and thankless but relegating it to the "it's too hard" basket and not trying to be better is not ok. None of these suggestions cost anything. Most are simple attitude shifts. If you can't refrain from being an ahole to a child with a developing brain then rethink? Yes i get you're human and not perfect and teens are a lot but we owe it to our kids to be better and at least try before getting defensive and shutting these suggestions down.
Load More Replies... When parents don't get their kids evaluated for autism/adhd ect because "its just a label"
‘That could have been you’ attacking your children for their choices can be very damaging to their mental health. Your kids should be allowed to make their own choices.
My favorite overheard in a restaurant ----> behave or I'll call the police and they will put you in jail...
Hello there! Sorry in advance for this rant but I do want to talk. I do feel that my parents are manipulative. I feel bad for some resentment I have and I'm not sure if it's valid. Basically, I'll just go through some things that my parents have done. They have been so strict with everything, and grades especially, I'm afraid to come home with so much as a low B. They'll be very judgemental about so many things that I'm afraid to express myself. I came out to them as bisexual, but as I've gotten older I've noticed that they're pretty homophobic, to say the least. When I told my mum she had to (and continues to) ask for confirmation that I "still like boys" and that I'm not a lesbian. As well as talking s**t about NB's and trans people. They always judge people for not being "normal". Just brushing me off whenever I question my mental health state. And recently, going off at me and calling me useless. There's more but I can't recall. I love them, but... Am I just being immature? help!
I hate it when parents said “I raised you and gave you a roof over your head so you should do this for me” like it wasn’t my choice to exist-
"I got my bottom tanned, too, when I was being unruly. Taught me respect and certainly didn't leave lasting damage". Yes, because finding it okay to be violent to a much smaller being and telling them it'll "hurt me more than you" is totally fine...
Divorced parents who let their new partner move in and expect their kids to like this person. Choosing sex over your children is ugly and selfish.
...i think this thread is kind of toxic. I imagine its harder being a parent than a high pressure job. So much judging.
No one is expecting parents to be perfect - just to think about the effect their decisions will have on their child, rather than blindly doing what they feel like.
Load More Replies...