Person In Their 30s Keeps Avoiding Events When Friends’ Kids Are Involved, Gets Called A Selfish “Kid Hater”
While it is the 21st century and various social norms today are not the same as they used to be just several decades ago, there are still some that live on and are perpetuated by newer generations.
Actually, it’s a whole category of norms that relate to kids—you know, questions like ‘when are you gonna have kids?’ and things like the expectation that you must love any and all children irrespective of your personal feelings because how can you ever hurt a kid’s feelings?
Well, one Redditor recently shared how they were strategically avoiding kids for the better, but were soon ‘apprehended’ and blamed for hating them, when that was not the case. Far from it, in fact.
More Info: Reddit
Kids aren’t for everyone, and that’s OK, but despite that, some still follow certain kid-related social norms
Image credits: StillWorksImagery (not the actual photo)
Reddit user u/hug-a-cat (great nickname no matter how you look at it) turned to the Am I The A-Hole community to find out if they were wrong to start avoiding events and gatherings with friends that would also have their kids attending, or deliberately arriving later, past the kids’ bedtime.
You see, OP is in their early 30s, meaning that many of their friends are settling down at this point and starting families. OP, however, isn’t thinking of going down that road because they don’t feel like they’re equipped to provide for a kid, but highlight that they do get along with children in general.
One Redditor recently turned to the AITA community to figure out if avoiding events with kids is wrong
Image credits: hug-a-cat
And, ultimately, they also assume that they have a choice in deciding whether to spend time around kids or not. But for the most part, putting on a kid-friendly face is tiresome for OP, as they are not always in the best of moods, let alone having sensory issues that make being among kids an intense experience. And this isn’t just because it’s draining for them, but also so as to avoid upsetting a kid. Or ten of them.
For this reason, they started approaching things tactically, attending events and gatherings in ways that avoid kids in general. But one couple with kids caught on pretty quickly. And instead of managing it like adults, they decided to play the blame game, accusing OP of hating kids, being selfish, and putting themselves above the happiness of the children.
Image credits: hug-a-cat
And, turns out, this was an opinion held my many of the Redditor’s friends, hence prompting the post on the Am I The A-Hole subreddit.
But, unlike their friends, Redditors were of a different opinion, as they collectively ruled them to be not the a-hole. Some related to their ADHD, explaining how they perfectly understand the feeling, further praising their understanding of boundaries, and drawing them appropriately, with respect.
Image credits: hug-a-cat
Others speculated the parents weren’t all too clear about their intentions, attempting to manipulate OP into being the ‘nanny’ at events, as kids were naturally drawn to them. Yet others expressed their disdain for such parenting, ‘forcing’ kids onto others.
No matter the reasons, everyone supported OP, and the post garnered a modest 3,985 upvotes (with 98% upvoted) as of this article, as well as a handful of Reddit awards and nearly 700 comments.
You can check out the entire post and all of its comments here. But what are your thoughts on this? Is OP wrong, is he right? Share your opinions and ideas in the comment section below!
OP definitely needs new friends. The parents are 100% a-holes heres! I had to cut a friend out of my life who had a child because she would only talk about her kid, and if I would try to steer the conversation elsewhere she would get upset. After a couple of months I realized she never asked me about how I was doing (even though she knew I had to move and had just recieved a new diagnosis). Also whenever I mentioned something about being tired (I have chronic fatigue) she would just say "only a mom knows real tired!" like no Sarah. You know I have chronic fatigue.
I have Chronic Fatigue too. I get exhausted really quickly when dealing with chronic fatigue. I still have some old friends but now I got new friends who understand. I found some local support groups and met up with some new friends.
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I have an almost 2yo and a 4yo and I get that parents need breaks! Young kids are very draining. However, unless I'm paying you to entertain my kid, that isn't your responsibility. I think they are AH parents for not intervening and redirecting their kids.
I've got a 4yo and in no way would I ever EXPECT anyone else to entertain my kid unless they want to and ESPECIALLY NOT if they have ADHD or sensory issues. The parents are definitely the a**holes!
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NTA. I think OP had the right idea of avoiding situations where they knew they'd get overwhelmed and grumpy.
I've been deliberately avoiding situations where children could be present ever since I moved out of my parents' place and got to choose. Nobody ever called me out on it! But then, I guess my dislike of children is clear enough that nobody ever formed unrealistic expectations, which seems to be the problem here. WTF is up with parents who think that child-free adults will be delighted to listen to their children scream?
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I'm a very patient person and tend to be really good w kids and I have my own. However I have to be in the mood to be around kids too. They drain me pretty quick when they aren't mine. Any kid over the age of ten I'm all about it bc they can entertain themselves when I need a break. No one should have to forgo their boundaries for someone else
This is about the age where you encounter the sad realization that some of your friends have not just become parents, but they have become *nothing but parents.* OP wants to just hang out with his friends and not their kids, while his friends have now redefined their entire lives as being about their kids. They are tethered together and you have to accept them as a package. Of course this doesn't happen to all parents, but it's not unusual considering they have focused almost every waking hour for a few years on this role. Also, not liking kids (or having a very low tolerance threshold) is a perfectly acceptable opinion...but it may cost you some friendships.
God, I feel this comment in my very soul! What's really sad for me is that I have lost so many of my girl mates to motherhood and now most of the people I hang out with are guys. I don't have anything against men, but I just wish mums got to have a healthy balance, too. I don't know if they voluntarily do this to themselves or if my dad friends are just better at setting kid-free time.
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It's odd, but when I was growing up (long ago in a galaxy far, far away) I seem to recall that social events involving families assumed the kids would play together and stay out of the way, and the adults could chill. Parents now are expected to be super parents and begin to believe everyone else should feel the same as they do about their children. Not. No one is responsible for your children but you. And while I'm here...there is nothing miraculous about about having a child, it doesn't grant you special privileges. Anyone can have a child. Stupid, cruel and ignorant people have them everyday. So wake up, the world does not revolve around you and your kid. BluEyedSeolite you have it right. Intervening and redirecting is the answer.
Yes, I also recall playing with other kids and having little to do with the adults, but our memories may not be accurate as they were formed before our brains learned to perceive certain things. The reality is probably that we were screaming and disruptive, like all children of screaming age.
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The OP is pretty much me. Never wanted kids, but don’t hate them and I don’t tend to go places where lots of kids are present. Not everyone is head over heels in love with your kiddos. Some of these parents lose themselves and make their entire existence and identity around kids and parenthood and can’t seem to fathom that some people purposely don’t want to join that club. Those of us who are child free have our reasons and don’t owe anyone an explanation. I recommend he find more understanding friends.
Don't have kids, wanted kids but that ship has sailed and frankly by the time they'd reached adulthood the planet'd be fecked anyway. I digress. I'm a scary intimidating bloke but kids don't see it, my mates, with and without kids are always amazed that kids gravitate towards me for some reason and my God they're exhausting. One prime example, at a local food festival we were sitting on the grass drinking, I moved forward to pick something up and little blond girl about 5yo jumped on me and said giddyup, that was it, other kids saw what happened and joined in. I ended up with 6 kids crawling all over me trying to ride me, I had no idea who's kids they were, a couple of the mums very tentatively said "I'm so sorry, are you okay?", "Yeah, surprisingly this happens a fair bit". My mates were loads of help, killing themselves laughing while I'm doing donkey rides.
They like you because your yes means yes and your no means no. You don't put up with nonsense. Children feel secure around someone like that. They always know where they stand with you.
Load More Replies... I get really anxious with kids running around and find it's hard to talking to the parents bcuz their kids keep interrupting. One friend calls me but she spend more time calming down her kids than talking to me. You chose to be childless and can choose when you want to spend time with them. Don't let anyone bully you about it. My of my friends are past the baby making age so I only run into the occasional grandchildren and I can take only 1 or 2 at a time.
Welcome to Adulting for the Childless. The sad fact is that when your friends get married and you're single, you may lose those friends, because couples tend to hang out in pairs. When friends have kids and you're childless, you are definitely going to lose them, unless you love attending kids' birthday parties for the rest of your social life. It sucks in a way but it's also liberating.
i'm an aunt and i love it. my sister has always backed me up if i told the kids i was having grown up time. they still love me. if the parents would enforce boundaries when this person doesn't want to play, everyone would be better off. giving your kids what they want at the expense of someone else's feelings just breeds entitlement.
Soooooo NTA! I have PTSD from childhood abuse and I specifically get triggered around children, especially when they are being loud and will have a full on triggering event if they start crying. So I have nothing but empathy for OP. They know their boundaries and their friends should respect them.
So what if you hate kids? I hate reality tv. We all get to make our own choices, if your friends can't accept that then get new friends.
As a parent, hard and fast NTA. My friends don't want kids and don't often have the mental energy to be around my son. And that is totally fine because my son was MY choice, not theirs. OP needs better people as friends.
NTA. If I would choose to be childfree I wouldn't want to have to deal with hanging out with other kids. And even if I have kids myself it's kinda hard sometimes when other peoples kids wants you to play/do stuff when all you want is to talk to other adults for a while...BUT I'm thinking maybe it's best if he found other friends who are more in line with the stage of life he's in? I can somewhat understand that his friends with kids can't just cut them out of their lives and want him to understand that - being friends and all. Avoid the trouble and get other childfree friends.
You're not a babysitter. That's what they want. You did all the effort of staying away and then they get all pissed about it, even though you didn't bother then at all. They didn't have to adjust anything. So it seems quite obvious that they were relying on you to entertain their kids while they get a break. I am childless, tried to have children unsuccessfully, so being around children can be challenging for me. I've automatically rolled into friendships where the couple or friend doesn't have children (yet) and it works out great. I also have friends with children but they're not assholes, so that makes it a lot easier. Try making friends with other childless/childfree parents
I would explain the kids the same too, they're quite understanding, even if they'll forget everything you said the next day... But i love seeing how their face goes into this open mouth staring into the abyss thinking expression... How hard they're trying to understand! Saying no it's important, otherwise you will start hating them, which is much worse for both of you "that annoying kid again, geez..."
Def NTA. I love my kids. I love my nephews. But I don't really care for anyone else's kids. I'm sorry if that makes me an asshole, but I just don't care for other peoples kids. The "friends" here are straight up assholes.
I am at least 2 generations older than the OP and it was the same back when I was his age, childless and single but a woman with career so even less acceptable. I like kids and made that clear just as I made it clear I was NOT attending events where the kids reigned terror or anything else. Problem has always been the singles and even the childless couple are considered the odd balls by a majority of family folks, your real friends will show themselves, just as mine did, but I assure it is a far worse situation for the childless and unmarried female.
How is the happiness of someone else's child your responsability? since when ? its their child! if their child happens to hang out and enjoy the time spent with their fun uncle, that's a bonus, not a f*****g chore. Wtf are these intitled, moronic parents you hand out with? seems to me their idea of ownership over your time is more important than your own wishes. And, without a shadow of a doubt, YES, YOUR happiness is above any child's happiness who have parents to keep them happy. Wtf am i even reading! The few friends i have that have kids would be mortified if they even suspected their kid was bothering me and taking up time i did not wish to give. I choose to give me free time so that they can rest, if only for a couple of minutes. They dont own me or my time nor would they ever think that. May i ask where you live?
I'm in my 50s and in the last few years I realize how much some of my older cousins put up with in regards to myself and my sister when we were children. I only hope that we didn't annoy them as much as I vaguely think we might have.
You are NTA. Knowing your comfort level & setting boundaries makes you a self aware adult. I have friends (well, had) that constantly assumed I would LOVE to entertain their kids (2, 4 & 6 - all boys, all brats) while at a BBQ or some kind of get together. I am a parent, but my kids were grown & gone by this time. I not so jokingly told the Mom that I'd be sending her my bill for Nanny services. I stopped accepting their invitations and they finally quit asking.
YIKES. as a mom, this is so cringey. OP needs new friends. I would never ever guilt my friends into spending time with me and my kids. WTF! they're not their demon spawns! They're MINE!
Definitely NTA. I love my great-nieces and great-nephews, but I love handing them back to their parents even more. If my niece were the type to expect me to entertain them, it would defintely lower the number of great trips we had together.
Who the hell do these “friends” of yours think they are. You don’t want to be around children,, that’s your right. Nothing to do with disliking children but for more personal deeper reasons. Tell your so called friends to piss off and live your life the way you want to. You can’t win with these type of people,,, You would be better changing the people you hang with cos I’m sure if they are long term friends they already know your situation but they’re still tryna force you into a situation where you’re clearly uncomfortable. Get new friends.
I have ADHD too and chaotic environments absolutely drain me for days afterwards. These so called friends of OP's obviously don't understand what it's like to feel like that and that it's not just a few hours but can take days to recover from that sort of event. OP needs new friends who understand that he can't be the 'fun uncle' every time.
Can I just say how glad I am about my freinds? They would never ever say or do something liek this to me. The OP needs new freinds.
NTA jeez get new friends. Me and my boyfriend never want kids but people respect that and understand we would much rather have a dog. There is a reason you chose not to have kids of your own, you are not a babysitter. Besides which if they get offended then so what just be honest, I knew I didn't want kids when I was like can I pick the age I get them at
I see this as a lose situation. For any loving parent, their kids are PURE BLISS INCARNATE, and they'll never accept somebody don't want to be with them. And by the other side, they would enjoy a break when their kids are spening time with him. Maybe he should just don't answer their calls or give excuses. And, yes, lie. Most people don't want the truth anyway.
She needs new friends. What kind of culture is this? If you want to bring your spawn out, then it's your responsibility to deal with them. The entitlement from these breeders. That's right folks, when you try to dodge your parental obligations, you aren't parents but just breeders. Hell even dogs don't do that crap.
NTA and also,OP - they're not your friends. Sorry, but they're not. I am exactly like OP - I don't mind kids but the noise is just too much. My family understands that, but we don't have any really small kids at the moment. I don't know what it'll be like when my siblings have little kids...
Yeah this is exactly why I don't really hang out with my parent friends anymore. I do have 2 step daughters but they're older now and they just Moved 6 hours away. But my parent friends always do this s**t. I don't like infants. Like newborns. They fucken terrify me. They're so tiny and fragile n I don't wanna be responsible for them getting hurt or me not holding them right or whatever. But everytime I visit my friends they'll always FORCE their baby on me so they can do other s**t.. I'm not invited over as a babysitter. I'm invited over to have dinner n a few drinks... then it turns into my babysitting while the parents get drunk n they say "u don't understand what it's like, we never get the chance to both drink n chill together since someone always has to be on baby patrol.. i don't have kids so this should be a treat for u to be able to spend time with some n get practice" which I can't have kids.. they know this. So I just don't hang out with them anymore. F**k fake friends.
I'm not a kid person, and that's perfectly ok. My dude of 5 years has kids, we get them every other weekend and school breaks, and I really don't have anything to do with them. I'm not mean or unkind to them, but I just keep to myself and work when they're around. It's totally find to not want to be around kids.
OMG. Stupid friends and parents. They really don't understand brain-diseases. You don't get a man with broken leg to run... but a man with a broken brain he can do everything!!! - ironic. I love children. I am a magnet. I love to do the things their parents don't do. But I also have a brain disease. I say No! And I mean it when I say No! Stupid friends... they don't understand this man...
Child free people don't hate kids they hate parents and parenting lol. When people have children they become so entitled my god. Not everyone but you know who we mean.
I don't have kids. Don't want kids. Not a fan of kids. Get on great guns with them for short bursts for time but am totally not a kid person. Full stop. Personal preference. Don't need to explain or justify. If people have an issue with that, they 'ain't good friends.
I'm struggling to understand how OP's other friends thought he was TA. Nothing in the post makes me think YTA. Did he, like, arrive later than the event start time and want to stay longer than the agreed upon end time to avoid the kids, or make some kind of snide remarks? If not, I think OP and the friends with kids are drifting apart (more like running a thousand mph in opposite directions) and will do better to spend more time with people who have more in common with them.
What the hell is up with these parents? I personally don't want to have kids and I don't like being around them, and that's my issue. OP has stated that they like kids, but just have a hard time with the noise and energy, which I TOTALLY get. The parents should absolutely be more understanding of this, and you would also think that they would WANT some kid-free adult hangout time. Seems like they are just looking for a babysitter. 😕
NTA and OP NEEDS NEW FRIENDS; if they can't respect your boundaries then you don't owe them anything. I'm in exact position as OP in matters of being childless by choice and I can certainly relate to the judgements about me and my decision not wanting to have kids as "selfish". We need stop this stigma too. Being as childless adult/couple doesn't mean we don't like kids nor it means that we're not good with them. Some of us are understanding enough of the responsibilities and requirements from having kids, and honest enough when we feel we're not equipped for it.
Sometimes being around church really kicks up my anxiety and I start to get annoyed. My manager's five year old likes to be the center of attention will bother people constantly. Not everyone wants to deal with children all the time and I think that the OP's friends are being jerks expecting him to.
The last kids party I went to they had a fresh donut guy there, I spent 95% of my time talking to him - hiding essentially - and my wife said you don't need to go to any of these anymore. Hallelujah.
NTA. If you were a guy they wouldn't even be having this conversation with you, it'd be accepted behavior to avoid other people's kids. Because you're a woman they want you to be drawn into their choices and drama. You chose not to have kids for your own reasons and you can't enjoy yourself or be yourself properly when they're around so you choose to avoid that trigger. They're being typical unreasonable parents expecting that everyone else in the world must care for and bear some responsibility for their child - an attitude that's far too common thesedays. You'll likely have to lose some of these friends because they'll never see your side of things or be sympathetic to your opinion. Time to move on and find a more understanding group.
He is a guy... in the post he calls himself 'the fun uncle'. Unfortunately I don't think it matters anymore :(
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I am shocked at everyone taking his side. I'm sorry but yes yta. (softly and not for what people are already thinking) not for not wanting to be around kids, I totally understand that. You've made your decision and that's your decision to make. BUT you did choose to have friends that have children, so to assume that every event would be held sans children is just asanine. You need to make friends that don't have children. I am almost positive there are groups out there for this.
I'd love to hear whether OP also avoids live events like football games or concerts; going into bars or shopping centres; work meetings; or any other situation where he has to share space with people he hasn't chosen. He needs to put on his big boy trousers and learn basic courtesy.
All AITA stores are very very one-sided! But yeah, these parents are being ridiculous, if they think a child-free adult who they know has a low tolerance for noise and chaos wants to listen to their children shriek.
Load More Replies... OP definitely needs new friends. The parents are 100% a-holes heres! I had to cut a friend out of my life who had a child because she would only talk about her kid, and if I would try to steer the conversation elsewhere she would get upset. After a couple of months I realized she never asked me about how I was doing (even though she knew I had to move and had just recieved a new diagnosis). Also whenever I mentioned something about being tired (I have chronic fatigue) she would just say "only a mom knows real tired!" like no Sarah. You know I have chronic fatigue.
I have Chronic Fatigue too. I get exhausted really quickly when dealing with chronic fatigue. I still have some old friends but now I got new friends who understand. I found some local support groups and met up with some new friends.
Load More Replies... I have an almost 2yo and a 4yo and I get that parents need breaks! Young kids are very draining. However, unless I'm paying you to entertain my kid, that isn't your responsibility. I think they are AH parents for not intervening and redirecting their kids.
I've got a 4yo and in no way would I ever EXPECT anyone else to entertain my kid unless they want to and ESPECIALLY NOT if they have ADHD or sensory issues. The parents are definitely the a**holes!
Load More Replies... NTA. I think OP had the right idea of avoiding situations where they knew they'd get overwhelmed and grumpy.
I've been deliberately avoiding situations where children could be present ever since I moved out of my parents' place and got to choose. Nobody ever called me out on it! But then, I guess my dislike of children is clear enough that nobody ever formed unrealistic expectations, which seems to be the problem here. WTF is up with parents who think that child-free adults will be delighted to listen to their children scream?
Load More Replies... I'm a very patient person and tend to be really good w kids and I have my own. However I have to be in the mood to be around kids too. They drain me pretty quick when they aren't mine. Any kid over the age of ten I'm all about it bc they can entertain themselves when I need a break. No one should have to forgo their boundaries for someone else
This is about the age where you encounter the sad realization that some of your friends have not just become parents, but they have become *nothing but parents.* OP wants to just hang out with his friends and not their kids, while his friends have now redefined their entire lives as being about their kids. They are tethered together and you have to accept them as a package. Of course this doesn't happen to all parents, but it's not unusual considering they have focused almost every waking hour for a few years on this role. Also, not liking kids (or having a very low tolerance threshold) is a perfectly acceptable opinion...but it may cost you some friendships.
God, I feel this comment in my very soul! What's really sad for me is that I have lost so many of my girl mates to motherhood and now most of the people I hang out with are guys. I don't have anything against men, but I just wish mums got to have a healthy balance, too. I don't know if they voluntarily do this to themselves or if my dad friends are just better at setting kid-free time.
Load More Replies... It's odd, but when I was growing up (long ago in a galaxy far, far away) I seem to recall that social events involving families assumed the kids would play together and stay out of the way, and the adults could chill. Parents now are expected to be super parents and begin to believe everyone else should feel the same as they do about their children. Not. No one is responsible for your children but you. And while I'm here...there is nothing miraculous about about having a child, it doesn't grant you special privileges. Anyone can have a child. Stupid, cruel and ignorant people have them everyday. So wake up, the world does not revolve around you and your kid. BluEyedSeolite you have it right. Intervening and redirecting is the answer.
Yes, I also recall playing with other kids and having little to do with the adults, but our memories may not be accurate as they were formed before our brains learned to perceive certain things. The reality is probably that we were screaming and disruptive, like all children of screaming age.
Load More Replies... The OP is pretty much me. Never wanted kids, but don’t hate them and I don’t tend to go places where lots of kids are present. Not everyone is head over heels in love with your kiddos. Some of these parents lose themselves and make their entire existence and identity around kids and parenthood and can’t seem to fathom that some people purposely don’t want to join that club. Those of us who are child free have our reasons and don’t owe anyone an explanation. I recommend he find more understanding friends.
Don't have kids, wanted kids but that ship has sailed and frankly by the time they'd reached adulthood the planet'd be fecked anyway. I digress. I'm a scary intimidating bloke but kids don't see it, my mates, with and without kids are always amazed that kids gravitate towards me for some reason and my God they're exhausting. One prime example, at a local food festival we were sitting on the grass drinking, I moved forward to pick something up and little blond girl about 5yo jumped on me and said giddyup, that was it, other kids saw what happened and joined in. I ended up with 6 kids crawling all over me trying to ride me, I had no idea who's kids they were, a couple of the mums very tentatively said "I'm so sorry, are you okay?", "Yeah, surprisingly this happens a fair bit". My mates were loads of help, killing themselves laughing while I'm doing donkey rides.
They like you because your yes means yes and your no means no. You don't put up with nonsense. Children feel secure around someone like that. They always know where they stand with you.
Load More Replies... I get really anxious with kids running around and find it's hard to talking to the parents bcuz their kids keep interrupting. One friend calls me but she spend more time calming down her kids than talking to me. You chose to be childless and can choose when you want to spend time with them. Don't let anyone bully you about it. My of my friends are past the baby making age so I only run into the occasional grandchildren and I can take only 1 or 2 at a time.
Welcome to Adulting for the Childless. The sad fact is that when your friends get married and you're single, you may lose those friends, because couples tend to hang out in pairs. When friends have kids and you're childless, you are definitely going to lose them, unless you love attending kids' birthday parties for the rest of your social life. It sucks in a way but it's also liberating.
i'm an aunt and i love it. my sister has always backed me up if i told the kids i was having grown up time. they still love me. if the parents would enforce boundaries when this person doesn't want to play, everyone would be better off. giving your kids what they want at the expense of someone else's feelings just breeds entitlement.
Soooooo NTA! I have PTSD from childhood abuse and I specifically get triggered around children, especially when they are being loud and will have a full on triggering event if they start crying. So I have nothing but empathy for OP. They know their boundaries and their friends should respect them.
So what if you hate kids? I hate reality tv. We all get to make our own choices, if your friends can't accept that then get new friends.
As a parent, hard and fast NTA. My friends don't want kids and don't often have the mental energy to be around my son. And that is totally fine because my son was MY choice, not theirs. OP needs better people as friends.
NTA. If I would choose to be childfree I wouldn't want to have to deal with hanging out with other kids. And even if I have kids myself it's kinda hard sometimes when other peoples kids wants you to play/do stuff when all you want is to talk to other adults for a while...BUT I'm thinking maybe it's best if he found other friends who are more in line with the stage of life he's in? I can somewhat understand that his friends with kids can't just cut them out of their lives and want him to understand that - being friends and all. Avoid the trouble and get other childfree friends.
You're not a babysitter. That's what they want. You did all the effort of staying away and then they get all pissed about it, even though you didn't bother then at all. They didn't have to adjust anything. So it seems quite obvious that they were relying on you to entertain their kids while they get a break. I am childless, tried to have children unsuccessfully, so being around children can be challenging for me. I've automatically rolled into friendships where the couple or friend doesn't have children (yet) and it works out great. I also have friends with children but they're not assholes, so that makes it a lot easier. Try making friends with other childless/childfree parents
I would explain the kids the same too, they're quite understanding, even if they'll forget everything you said the next day... But i love seeing how their face goes into this open mouth staring into the abyss thinking expression... How hard they're trying to understand! Saying no it's important, otherwise you will start hating them, which is much worse for both of you "that annoying kid again, geez..."
Def NTA. I love my kids. I love my nephews. But I don't really care for anyone else's kids. I'm sorry if that makes me an asshole, but I just don't care for other peoples kids. The "friends" here are straight up assholes.
I am at least 2 generations older than the OP and it was the same back when I was his age, childless and single but a woman with career so even less acceptable. I like kids and made that clear just as I made it clear I was NOT attending events where the kids reigned terror or anything else. Problem has always been the singles and even the childless couple are considered the odd balls by a majority of family folks, your real friends will show themselves, just as mine did, but I assure it is a far worse situation for the childless and unmarried female.
How is the happiness of someone else's child your responsability? since when ? its their child! if their child happens to hang out and enjoy the time spent with their fun uncle, that's a bonus, not a f*****g chore. Wtf are these intitled, moronic parents you hand out with? seems to me their idea of ownership over your time is more important than your own wishes. And, without a shadow of a doubt, YES, YOUR happiness is above any child's happiness who have parents to keep them happy. Wtf am i even reading! The few friends i have that have kids would be mortified if they even suspected their kid was bothering me and taking up time i did not wish to give. I choose to give me free time so that they can rest, if only for a couple of minutes. They dont own me or my time nor would they ever think that. May i ask where you live?
I'm in my 50s and in the last few years I realize how much some of my older cousins put up with in regards to myself and my sister when we were children. I only hope that we didn't annoy them as much as I vaguely think we might have.
You are NTA. Knowing your comfort level & setting boundaries makes you a self aware adult. I have friends (well, had) that constantly assumed I would LOVE to entertain their kids (2, 4 & 6 - all boys, all brats) while at a BBQ or some kind of get together. I am a parent, but my kids were grown & gone by this time. I not so jokingly told the Mom that I'd be sending her my bill for Nanny services. I stopped accepting their invitations and they finally quit asking.
YIKES. as a mom, this is so cringey. OP needs new friends. I would never ever guilt my friends into spending time with me and my kids. WTF! they're not their demon spawns! They're MINE!
Definitely NTA. I love my great-nieces and great-nephews, but I love handing them back to their parents even more. If my niece were the type to expect me to entertain them, it would defintely lower the number of great trips we had together.
Who the hell do these “friends” of yours think they are. You don’t want to be around children,, that’s your right. Nothing to do with disliking children but for more personal deeper reasons. Tell your so called friends to piss off and live your life the way you want to. You can’t win with these type of people,,, You would be better changing the people you hang with cos I’m sure if they are long term friends they already know your situation but they’re still tryna force you into a situation where you’re clearly uncomfortable. Get new friends.
I have ADHD too and chaotic environments absolutely drain me for days afterwards. These so called friends of OP's obviously don't understand what it's like to feel like that and that it's not just a few hours but can take days to recover from that sort of event. OP needs new friends who understand that he can't be the 'fun uncle' every time.
Can I just say how glad I am about my freinds? They would never ever say or do something liek this to me. The OP needs new freinds.
NTA jeez get new friends. Me and my boyfriend never want kids but people respect that and understand we would much rather have a dog. There is a reason you chose not to have kids of your own, you are not a babysitter. Besides which if they get offended then so what just be honest, I knew I didn't want kids when I was like can I pick the age I get them at
I see this as a lose situation. For any loving parent, their kids are PURE BLISS INCARNATE, and they'll never accept somebody don't want to be with them. And by the other side, they would enjoy a break when their kids are spening time with him. Maybe he should just don't answer their calls or give excuses. And, yes, lie. Most people don't want the truth anyway.
She needs new friends. What kind of culture is this? If you want to bring your spawn out, then it's your responsibility to deal with them. The entitlement from these breeders. That's right folks, when you try to dodge your parental obligations, you aren't parents but just breeders. Hell even dogs don't do that crap.
NTA and also,OP - they're not your friends. Sorry, but they're not. I am exactly like OP - I don't mind kids but the noise is just too much. My family understands that, but we don't have any really small kids at the moment. I don't know what it'll be like when my siblings have little kids...
Yeah this is exactly why I don't really hang out with my parent friends anymore. I do have 2 step daughters but they're older now and they just Moved 6 hours away. But my parent friends always do this s**t. I don't like infants. Like newborns. They fucken terrify me. They're so tiny and fragile n I don't wanna be responsible for them getting hurt or me not holding them right or whatever. But everytime I visit my friends they'll always FORCE their baby on me so they can do other s**t.. I'm not invited over as a babysitter. I'm invited over to have dinner n a few drinks... then it turns into my babysitting while the parents get drunk n they say "u don't understand what it's like, we never get the chance to both drink n chill together since someone always has to be on baby patrol.. i don't have kids so this should be a treat for u to be able to spend time with some n get practice" which I can't have kids.. they know this. So I just don't hang out with them anymore. F**k fake friends.
I'm not a kid person, and that's perfectly ok. My dude of 5 years has kids, we get them every other weekend and school breaks, and I really don't have anything to do with them. I'm not mean or unkind to them, but I just keep to myself and work when they're around. It's totally find to not want to be around kids.
OMG. Stupid friends and parents. They really don't understand brain-diseases. You don't get a man with broken leg to run... but a man with a broken brain he can do everything!!! - ironic. I love children. I am a magnet. I love to do the things their parents don't do. But I also have a brain disease. I say No! And I mean it when I say No! Stupid friends... they don't understand this man...
Child free people don't hate kids they hate parents and parenting lol. When people have children they become so entitled my god. Not everyone but you know who we mean.
I don't have kids. Don't want kids. Not a fan of kids. Get on great guns with them for short bursts for time but am totally not a kid person. Full stop. Personal preference. Don't need to explain or justify. If people have an issue with that, they 'ain't good friends.
I'm struggling to understand how OP's other friends thought he was TA. Nothing in the post makes me think YTA. Did he, like, arrive later than the event start time and want to stay longer than the agreed upon end time to avoid the kids, or make some kind of snide remarks? If not, I think OP and the friends with kids are drifting apart (more like running a thousand mph in opposite directions) and will do better to spend more time with people who have more in common with them.
What the hell is up with these parents? I personally don't want to have kids and I don't like being around them, and that's my issue. OP has stated that they like kids, but just have a hard time with the noise and energy, which I TOTALLY get. The parents should absolutely be more understanding of this, and you would also think that they would WANT some kid-free adult hangout time. Seems like they are just looking for a babysitter. 😕
NTA and OP NEEDS NEW FRIENDS; if they can't respect your boundaries then you don't owe them anything. I'm in exact position as OP in matters of being childless by choice and I can certainly relate to the judgements about me and my decision not wanting to have kids as "selfish". We need stop this stigma too. Being as childless adult/couple doesn't mean we don't like kids nor it means that we're not good with them. Some of us are understanding enough of the responsibilities and requirements from having kids, and honest enough when we feel we're not equipped for it.
Sometimes being around church really kicks up my anxiety and I start to get annoyed. My manager's five year old likes to be the center of attention will bother people constantly. Not everyone wants to deal with children all the time and I think that the OP's friends are being jerks expecting him to.
The last kids party I went to they had a fresh donut guy there, I spent 95% of my time talking to him - hiding essentially - and my wife said you don't need to go to any of these anymore. Hallelujah.
NTA. If you were a guy they wouldn't even be having this conversation with you, it'd be accepted behavior to avoid other people's kids. Because you're a woman they want you to be drawn into their choices and drama. You chose not to have kids for your own reasons and you can't enjoy yourself or be yourself properly when they're around so you choose to avoid that trigger. They're being typical unreasonable parents expecting that everyone else in the world must care for and bear some responsibility for their child - an attitude that's far too common thesedays. You'll likely have to lose some of these friends because they'll never see your side of things or be sympathetic to your opinion. Time to move on and find a more understanding group.
He is a guy... in the post he calls himself 'the fun uncle'. Unfortunately I don't think it matters anymore :(
Load More Replies... I am shocked at everyone taking his side. I'm sorry but yes yta. (softly and not for what people are already thinking) not for not wanting to be around kids, I totally understand that. You've made your decision and that's your decision to make. BUT you did choose to have friends that have children, so to assume that every event would be held sans children is just asanine. You need to make friends that don't have children. I am almost positive there are groups out there for this.
I'd love to hear whether OP also avoids live events like football games or concerts; going into bars or shopping centres; work meetings; or any other situation where he has to share space with people he hasn't chosen. He needs to put on his big boy trousers and learn basic courtesy.
All AITA stores are very very one-sided! But yeah, these parents are being ridiculous, if they think a child-free adult who they know has a low tolerance for noise and chaos wants to listen to their children shriek.
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