RobINLA
Community Member
0 posts
46 comments
58 upvotes
69 points
This lazy panda forgot to write something about itself.
RobINLA • commented on a post 1 week ago
RobINLA • commented on a post 1 week ago
RobINLA • commented on a post 2 weeks ago
RobINLA • commented on 2 posts 3 weeks ago
RobINLA • upvoted 2 items 3 weeks ago
RobINLA • upvoted 10 items 1 month ago
"Hey Pandas, Who Was A Celebrity That You Once Respected, But No Longer Do?"
Mel Gibson. He hates Jewish people and believes that women are useless/below him.
Things-Normal-Europe-Strange-America
I traveled around most of Europe with my parents when I was 15. By far, the most surprising part about Europe was how relaxed you guys were with sexuality. I'm from the south and being open about your sexually is generally frowned upon. But in Europe? Boobs. Boobs everywhere. When we first touched down in Belgium there was a museum which had an exhibit called 'The Art of Orgasm'. I found an ad booklet in Switzerland for watches that was just 20 pages of attractive women making out. One night in a hotel I discovered that most of the channels on the TV were soft core porn. I shared a bedroom with my parents for most of the trip. It was a challenging time for me.
Show All 10 Upvotes
RobINLA • commented on 13 posts 1 month ago
Show All 13 Comments
RobINLA • submitted a list addition 1 month ago
RobINLA • upvoted 7 items 2 months ago
Show All 7 Upvotes
RobINLA • commented on 2 posts 2 months ago
This Panda hasn't posted anything yet
RobINLA • submitted a list addition 1 month ago
RobINLA • commented on a post 1 week ago
RobINLA • commented on a post 1 week ago
RobINLA • commented on a post 2 weeks ago
RobINLA • commented on 2 posts 3 weeks ago
RobINLA • commented on 13 posts 1 month ago
RobINLA • commented on 2 posts 2 months ago
RobINLA • upvoted 2 items 3 weeks ago
RobINLA • upvoted 14 items 1 month ago
"Hey Pandas, Who Was A Celebrity That You Once Respected, But No Longer Do?"
Mel Gibson. He hates Jewish people and believes that women are useless/below him.Things-Normal-Europe-Strange-America
I traveled around most of Europe with my parents when I was 15. By far, the most surprising part about Europe was how relaxed you guys were with sexuality. I'm from the south and being open about your sexually is generally frowned upon. But in Europe? Boobs. Boobs everywhere. When we first touched down in Belgium there was a museum which had an exhibit called 'The Art of Orgasm'. I found an ad booklet in Switzerland for watches that was just 20 pages of attractive women making out. One night in a hotel I discovered that most of the channels on the TV were soft core porn. I shared a bedroom with my parents for most of the trip. It was a challenging time for me.
Thrwawy4askrdt reply
I'm honestly not sure how I feel about my child, and that is a super s**t***ty feeling. I thought I wanted a child. I wanted one so badly that it hurt. I even cried a few months before I got pregnant because I was so sure that I was finally pregnant, and then was let down when I found out that I wasn't. At the time, we were living in a small apartment in a not so very good city. I had an okay job, but it wasn't enough to comfortably live with 2 adults, one who is ... without sugar coating it... someone who doesn't add anything financially to the relationship. We were getting by on the skin of our teeth and with $200 a month in help with food from my SO's mom. I was completely irresponsible, but I don't think I cared. It took us 6 months to get pregnant, and we had only been together for about 9 months until that point. I think I felt my whole life that I was unloved and that no one cared about me, and that no matter what I wanted to experience life inside of me, and have a beautiful baby that I could love on and eventually someone who would love me back. When I was pregnant, I would sit for hours and dream about my future with my little girl, like taking her to the park, getting ice cream after school, arts and crafts.. the works! My daughter was born a little early, but otherwise perfect. So beautiful, people would stop us just to let us know we had a gorgeous little girl. I was absolutely in love, we were a bit better off financially, everything was going right. But as time went on my daughter who was meeting all milestones and even passing a few (walking before crawling) just turned off at 13 months. My once interactive and charming baby became a growling, shrieking machine of rage and hatred. She no longer interacted, she no longer looked at us. She didn't respond to anything, and our once calm nights became a night where we could have anywhere between 3 to 6 hours of nonstop tantrums. As she got a bit older, about 2 years old, she started to get physically violent too. She would kick us and pinch us, claw at our arms and faces. If we moved away from her, or tried to hold her down, it would get worse but towards herself, slamming her head into the ground, kneeing herself in the face... just SO BAD! We got a severe autism with the future possibility of retardation as a diagnosis and found a doctor willing to help us with her violent tendencies with medication. She's 4 now. Still nonverbal, still in her own world and last she was tested is mentally about 6 months old. 6 months old.. but in the body of a child I can no longer control. She's too heavy for me to lift without a struggle, too long for me to be able to hold down all body parts when needed, and big enough that it really does hurt when she get's us. Her medications help, but it's no cure. Where it was nightly before, it's down to 2 or 3 times a week. That sounds a ton better, and it certainly is, but it's hard to accept that things are 'better' when you still spend up to 12 hours a week holding down a screaming child who is hellbent on making *someone* bloody tonight. And with all of this, what hurts is that we can't tell anyone any of this. We can't talk to anyone. People suggest we go to support groups, but we feel like those are a sham. Anonymity has allowed people online to share their feelings that are in the same situation for us, and we know that how we feel... this love mixed with hatred, is normal for parents in our situation. But if we ever said that in person, even to other parents in our shoes, we would be vilified. Everyone would be upset that we feel this way. Our family doesn't understand, and they think life with our daughter must be so special and amazing...but they get to leave when she starts to whine. They force themselves onto us to visit, and then leave an hour later bitching that she isn't like Neighbor Julia's kids who all can play board games and read with their grandparents, leaving her a teeth grinding, head banging in the wall mess that takes hours for her to get over. The last straw I think is seeing my friends who have children younger than my daughter that ... they can live out the dream I had with my daughter. They can talk to their kids, they can interact with them. Having children for them is a dream, and they plan on more in the future. I read last week about a friends 4 year old that wrote and left a note to be mailed to Santa and that together they baked goodies together. I don't get these. That's not my life, and it makes me jealous. And f**k me if I say anything too, because then I'm the selfish mom because I think about those things too instead of just about how this autism must make my daughter feel. It's stressful. We can't afford anything but an apartment, so our neighbors constantly complain about her screaming that we have no control over. They complain when she is up at 4 am hollering because something didn't go exactly right. She tortures us (and probably herself) with only sleeping between 2 and 5 hours of sleep a night and that's it all day. She can only fall asleep when sitting on me - which doesn't sound too bad until you consider that she get's upset when she's tired, and will flail, kick and scream. Once she headbutted me and snapped my glasses off, leaving a huge gash across my face and blind for days without my glasses. When she does sleep, she will be sent into a horrible rage if she sleeps anywhere but with us, and with us being between us. Two adults plus a 4 year old in the middle of a cheap queen size bed. My husband and I have gotten used to sleeping so far to the edge that we have to hold on. We're constantly sleep deprived. When she wakes up, every day no matter how she woke up (on her terms or ours) she will scream and rage and need to be held down for at least an hour. Every morning. Imagine your alarm goes off 4 hours early EVERY day by screaming and trying to hurt you for at least 60 minutes. We darkly joke that it's like she's torturing us in some camp. So that's my life. And honestly, I love my daughter in the sense that a parent has to, I think. I love her in the sense that I would be upset if she got hurt. I would be upset if she passed away, and I would be sad if she no longer lived with us. But at the same time I wake up every day wishing this was not my life. I wake up with the feeling that behind the love I believe nature makes me feel, that I hate my daughter. The part that ignores how I would feel in the event it happens wishes that I could give my daughter up for adoption and start over with my life. Part of me wishes that I had never gotten pregnant, or that I had listened to a few friends who had suggested I gotten an abortion. I wish I could leave. Just pack up everything and be the abandoned mother, running off and forgetting her past. But I cant. My husband cannot financially provide, and I would be kidding if I said he could take care of her alone. I love him too much to do that to him. And I guess in a way I love my daughter too much to do that to her. This autism she has has pretty much ruined the future I dreamed of for her, but I know that her actions aren't her fault. And I think I love her enough to not let her know how I feel under everything. Each day we wake up, we hug her and stop her from hurting herself until she calms down. Once she's calm, she gets hugs and kisses from us telling her that everything is okay. I work hard to provide the therapy and supplies she needs. I make her favorite meal (the only one she will eat) every night. And at night once she falls asleep, I touch her face and love on her and dream that maybe someday things will be better, despite wishing the same thing every day for the last 4 years. **TL;DR**: Read the damn thing. I spent the time to put my heart into this reply, give me the respect to read it all. Edit: I just wanted to say thank you to the kind replies. It's like a salve to know that I can express how I feel and not be made out to be a horrible person, and that maybe how I feel isn't completely out of the ordinary. A private PM made me think a lot, and I think that it's true - that I don't hate my daughter, but rather the situation we're in in life right now, and that I don't think badly of my husband, no matter the situation, but was just trying to find a reason for the way things are, even if it was wrong. My outlook and even opinion of myself and how I feel right now in life now don't feel so ... bleak and monstrous, like I'm a bad mother. So thank you again, it's nice to know that even though it's just the internet, I'm not alone.
giraffesthrow reply
Mother of a seven year old boy here, with a throwaway because this goes down hard with others so I don't mention it irl with any links to myself. I never wanted children. I saw no appeal, no urge to have them, no tugging on the ovaries when around babies. I never believed I was cut out to be a mother in any sense of the word, and experience proved it. I dated my husband to be, who was adamant he wanted no children either, we married, and all was well until out of the blue a few years later he decided the most important thing to him on the planet was for me to bear his children. He wore me down, and at the time I didn't have the fortitude to say or do anything to push my point, and he made promises to cover all my fears. He said he'd be happy to do most of the rearing and he wouldn't allow me to fall into being the sole childraising parent. He reassured me his parents would take some of the load. I thought it was all part of how love should be and with his persuading, my parents telling me I'd change my mind like everyone does, his parents being over the moon about his decision to try for kids, I went along with it. At the age of 27 I had a fine, healthy baby boy. And within months it was clear my ex's promises were all about him and I'd made a dreadful mistake and I was raising a child I felt no bond with virtually alone. The experience changed us both and after just over a year later he left me because *I* changed. I probably don't have to tell any parent here about that, at least physically. Mentally though, it was a killer. The bond never happened, and I just ended up a mother to a *someone*. I can't even say "this is my son" because I don't feel that. There was caring for a dependent human being who deserves a safe life and protection and security, and until he was four I raised him alone. I can't describe the hell of raising someone you can't work up a bond with, even a good person. It's like having the best flatmate I had while at uni, but also being responsible for every part of their being from food, medical, emotional, educational... I know no matter how I put it, to people who have children and who've connected with them there's no comparison, but that's you and this is me. I don't hate the kid. He deserves far more than I am capable of giving, and I am so f*****g thankful my ex's grandparents stepped in. They were collecting him for a weekend and I made an offhand comment about keeping him (worn down by two days looking after vomiting child) and his grandfather took me aside and asked in all seriousness if I was coping. I let it all out and he, the man who didn't want me to marry his son, was understanding enough to see I was serious, I was trying the best I could, I was failing, and it was damaging his grandson. By the time he was five they took him in permanently. So they're raising him and I think it's better for all of us. I ache because I don't love him, and never have - but he's still a small, vulnerable, developing human who deserves real parents with real love. He seems to have bonded well with his grandparents, though I know kids can be remarkably resilient and reserved when the biggest things bother him. I don't know if it's my bias from being free of the situation but I hope loving (relatively young, they're 51) grandparents are better than a constantly angry and increasingly resentful mother.
This Panda hasn't followed anyone yet
RobINLA • 1 follower
