I don’t know how to tell my husband how bad things really are with my depression. On average I have been showering once a week, brushing my hair only when I have to go out but if it doesn’t look messy then I wont worry about brushing it at all. I brush my teeth probably twice a week and gargle mouthwash twice a week, I spend most of my days in bed and am tired ALL THE TIME, I am (trying to) nap more, I just want days to be over so I can just sleep but then I struggle to sleep coz of my RLS and insomnia and I can’t stop thinking out how much I want to change and get pissed at myself for wasting another day but then I do the same thing the next day. I am finding it harder to find joy in the things I usually love and one of them is music. I am not dancing to music as much as I used to, I seem to tune it out more. I am in chronic pain every damn day, partly because of a deformity and partly because of my weight. My weight causes more pain on my hips, my knees and my feet. I have plantar fasciitis and heel spurs, I have just recently recovered from a cuboid displacement. All these issues effect my mobility coz of the absolute pain. I want to lose weight but I have been diagnosed with Obsessive compulsive eating disorder. All I think about is food even though I feel nauseous from the idea of eating or from overeating. I will be eating my lunch and all I can think of is my next meal. I feel absolutely DISGUSTED in myself and beat myself up pretty much every night. But for some stupid reason my brain doesn’t think about ANY iota of that the next day and I just carry on like every other day. I have done therapy for fucking years, I have done cognitive behavioural therapy, a few different antidepressants, meditation, hypnotherapy, many diets, shakes, positive affirmations, looked into religion (hey I am desperate), and I am pretty sure there are other things but I just can’t think of them right now. My next step is a vision board and last week my mum, my brothers and myself have started a weight loss challenge. I’m not doing that well, I have replaced a lot of bad foods with good foods but I am still snacking a lot. Next week my brother and I are signing up for the gym coz we don’t want to go by ourselves. Anyway sorry to just stop here, I don’t know what else to say. Good night.