Woman Wants Childfree Sister To Babysit Her Kids, Asks Her To Stop Fostering Dogs
Our relatives are there to support us when we need it, however, we can’t expect them to drastically change their lifestyles just to always adapt to what we want. At some point, we’re responsible for how we live our lives and we have to make changes if we’re constantly exhausted and stressed out. However, life usually isn’t as clear-cut as that.
Redditor u/Throw_away_no374828 shared a very open and honest story on the AITA subreddit about how she had asked her sister to stop fostering dogs so that she could help take care of her 4 children for free. While that sounds very egoistic on the surface level, the redditor showed that she was very self-aware and felt guilty that this might have been wrong of her. And that’s why she turned to the AITA community for a verdict on whether or not she was acting like a jerk.
You’ll find the full story, as well as how the internet reacted, below. Also, read on for Bored Panda’s interview with the UK’s leading charity, the PDSA, about the type of care and attention that dogs need to be happy and healthy. We’d love to hear what you think of the entire family situation in the comments and who was wrong, dear Pandas.
An exhausted mom who has 4 kids relies on her sister to help her with babysitting
Image credits: Anh Nguyen (not an actual photo)
The mom asked the internet if she was wrong for asking her sister to give up on a cause that she cares about deeply
Image credits: Marisa Howenstine (not an actual photo)
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not an actual photo)
The author of the post was very grateful for all the honesty. She had some additional sensitive info to share about her family
The redditor begged her sister to not foster a new dog in the future so that she could help take care of her kids, as she’s done in the past. The mom pointed out that she’s doing the best that she can, but that she can really use the support, as the house is in chaos and she is exhausted. She even noted that her sister’s babysitting helps her keep her sanity.
Meanwhile, the sister couldn’t have the kids over so that the dog she was fostering wouldn’t get stressed out. While sympathetic, the sister also didn’t promise that she’d give up fostering doggos in need. After all, our animal companions also deserve our love and care. Overall, the majority of redditors thought that the mom was in the wrong.
Vet Nurse Nina Downing from the PDSA, the UK’s leading vet charity, told Bored Panda about how owners can keep dogs happy and healthy. “Dogs that are well bonded to their people are at their happiest when their owners are around, their 5 welfare needs are met and they have lots to keep them physically and mentally stimulated while being able to rest when it suits them,” she said.
Our pets’ 5 welfare needs are health (protection from pain, injury, suffering, and disease), behavior (being able to behave naturally for the animal’s species), companionship (being housed with or away from other animals, depending on the species’ needs), diet (a suitable diet that helps prevent obesity or malnourishment), and environment (a suitable one with a comfortable place to rest, hide, exercise, and explore).
According to PDSA Vet Nurse Nina, ideally, owners should not leave their dogs alone for long stretches of time. They need attention, they need care.
“Dogs shouldn’t be left home alone for longer than 4 hours at a time as they will need to go to the toilet, get bored of waiting and they may even feel lonely,” she noted. What’s more, dogs who are left alone can then start destroying the home.
“When dogs are left to their own devices they can start to look around for things to do and this is when they may develop unwelcome habits such as knocking over bins, chewing, or generally being destructive,” she told us.
“You might even find that your neighbors report unwelcome barking—your dog could be looking out of the window for something to do and barking at anyone that goes past.”
What’s more, dogs need regular walks throughout the day and access to some toys to play with in between going for walkies. “If you don’t have time for this, then hire a dog walker or ask a friend or neighbor to pop around to walk your dog and have some playtime with them,” the vet nurse said.
A while back, parenting blogger Samantha Scroggin, the founder of ‘Walking Outside in Slippers,’ went into detail about boundaries between family members and asking them for help with babysitting.
“I think when establishing boundaries with family members, being clear and using good communication are the best routes. You wouldn’t want a family member to misinterpret your actions for rudeness or lack of appreciation for their help with childcare,” she told Bored Panda during a previous interview
“I would hope that close family members can communicate freely about expectations for child care, but I know that personalities differ and some would rather take on an extra burden and avoid conflict,” the blogger said.
“Some families are very close, and the aunts and uncles and grandparents are practically other parents to the kids. Others are more distant. Once again, I think good communication is important to set the ground rules and ensure everyone is comfortable with the babysitting expectations,” Samantha said. She also opened up about how her family approaches the whole babysitting question.
“My husband and kids and I live several hours away from both sets of grandparents, and other family members. Because of this distance, we are rarely if ever asked to babysit,” she told us.
“However when we visit family, the grandparents often take our kids so we can go on a date for dinner, and maybe even a short weekend away alone. I think the distance makes the grandparents more eager to spend what time with our kids they can. My husband and I try not to abuse this privilege and expect too much, but it is such a relief to have occasional help with feeding and caring for the kids.”
Most people thought that the mom was wrong, and here’s what they had to say. However, some folks might have been a bit too harsh
I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager and, yes, after my son was born. Once you become a parent, you simply do things you think you can't, because you MUST. That includes taking care of your child even though everything inside you wants to curl up in a corner and shut out the world. If the dad is getting therapy and taking meds, there is no reason he can't be present to help with the kids. I'm not saying it will be easy, but it's one of those things you have to *make* yourself do when you're a parent. Children come first. And they are YOUR responsibility, no one else's. It's hard, I've been there. OP definitely seems like she's taking her sister for granted.
It looks like he doesn't have any problems with making new babies.
It sounded like the depression happened AFTER the last child was born, not since the beginning. Also, the youngest is only 11 months. We don't know when the father started therapy or the antidepressants, but I would say it's probably fair to assume 10 months or less. Probably less. If it was the mom suffering from postpartum depression would people be as quick to jump all over her ass? We don't know how much the dad is or isn't helping, how much progress he's made, or, again, how long he has been in therapy. Antidepressants can also take time to find the one that works and the correct dosage. Also, people need to take the children's feelings into account. The oldest three were watched by sister, it sounded like the bonded quite well, and to now be told they can't go over to sister's house might have them thinking they did something wrong. There may very well be a lot of information the OP left out, it is unfair to judge that harshly. Is OP wrong? Yes. Does she deserve the insults.
Yeah, but if they struggle financially, they were in no position to make yet another baby. That makes them irresponsible parents, and no depression can justify that. We all know that nowadays (when couples live in households without their parents and when both mother and father work) having one or two children is hard enough if you want to raise them properly and give them the best start in life you can. Having more, especially in a short period of time, is not something a responsible person would do.
He got depression after the youngest was born.
Yes! This! I too have suffered with depression since I was a teenager, I've had a load of different therapy & counselling etc. and have been on antidepressants for 10+ years. My son was born a year ago, my (now ex) fiancé was revealed to be an alcoholic; so when my son was a week old I made the choice to become a single parent. I had to navigate the emotions & hormones of having just birthed a child, learning to be a mother, a break up, my usual depression.. and I coped and sucked it up and got on with it. My baby needed me, he needed me to advocate for his safety & happiness, he was totally reliant on me for his every need and there was no choice to do anything else or have a break. Yes, I'm exhausted. Yes, I wish things had been different. But, I know I have provided the best life for my son which is the only thing that matters.
I'm so proud of you! (I suffered from depression for about ten years. It was the obligations I had to my family that kept me alive. I, simply put, had to stay alive and do what I had to do so they could live. In the end, it all turned out good.)
Thank you <3 I'm glad everything turned out good for you! I have always wanted a family of my own, my mantra used to be "you can't have a baby if you're dead"! A year on I can see I was in a toxic and abusive relationship and let myself be manipulated and gaslighted and taken advantage of because I was so desperate for love and a "perfect" family. it's not the family I imagined having but me and my son are the best team! I'm not cured, I doubt I ever will be, but I'm in an amazing place right now.
I have had depression my whole life as well and I agree with you. I am childless but even for my pets I have to force myself to meet their needs during depressive episodes, even when it feels agonizing
It's different from person to person though. Some people will be able to make themselves overcome their depression fo do thr things they need to do and others simply won't be able to do that. Don't know if that's the case with the father, but it is a possibility. Honestly, this is a difficult situation all around and much harder than it needs to be if they live in the US due to the US's incredibly awful child care systems. A lot of other developed countries actually subsidize childcare to make it affordable for all or at least most workers. The US does not
I don't have kids, but I struggled with depression and social anxiety (neglected and denied for YEARS before I was diagnosed, because I was too ashamed to ask for help) while having a stressful job and a mortgage. I was crying everyday on may way to office. I almost lost my job because of my attitude, I was suicidal and I really don't know how I managed to survive (especially since I've got terrible side effects after I started taking antidepressants)... but I did because I had no choice - since being a burden, homeless and unemployed was no choice at all. I hope you're better now. Take care. I don't know how to express it (I'm not native English speaker) but I wish you all the best. <3
"Above all, my kids will always come before a dog and that's the reason I was willing to request it." To you and your husband, lady. To you and your husband. Your sister is child-free, presumably by choice, precisely because she doesn't want to have children. So stop forcing your sprongs onto her.
This was exactly my thought. Maybe what she needs is teaching her kids to get their act together. I was depressed for a long time, so i understand how the husband feels like too. Help him out of it and train the kids. Maybe people won't like the word "train" in relation to kids, but that's what you do when someone doesn't act correctly. Screaming, running around, not cleaning after yourself, all that should be fixed by training (or teaching if they're old enough)
This is excellent advice! You don't have 4 toddlers, but very capable kids and one baby. But they need a routine and boundaries and structure. They can carry their own weight by picking up after themselves, making their own simple breakfast and lunch, making beds, emptying the dishwasher, taking out trashes and doing laundry. You and your husband are their teachers and together you have work to do. The solution to your problem is in your own home. Don't keep looking to others. Start making changes today! Create a plan and work toward a calm, high functioning home. Blessings
Yes! Routine would help immensely! It helped me in my situation. Also, I had the kids call me hugs instead of mom. They would be cranky and say, "hugs (whining)" and whatever was wrong. I'd hug and then we would figure it out. It was suggested to me by a wise woman. It saved my sanity having no breaks and working too at the time.
This woman is seemingly incapable of learning anything herself, much less teaching kids. She likes to exude control over people's lives, and that may be her problem regarding her husband's withdrawal from responsibility and interaction. She needs help. He needs help. Not from each other. From professionals. Having children one after another is irresponsible and selfish. Her current ongoing escalating desperation is NOT HER SISTER'S PROBLEM.
I think the first response is the best. No one told her to have 4 kids and it’s not the sister’s responsibility to take care of them if she doesn’t want to. This is a case of “you made your bed, now lay in it.” Don’t have kids if you can’t afford to take care of them. That’s why I only have one.
Plus, her sister is getting dogs that can't be around children... that might be a very deliberate choice!
Yeah. I was wondering if this was a way of trying to put the brakes on the sister's demands, but feeling like she needed an excuse. She couldn't just say no and have it be respected. Though it is hard to place animals that can't be around kids, so her rescue may rely on her for that. In the rescue I was involved in, most of the fosters had children. I was one of the few that did not.
I second this. Sister needs an excuse not to babysit anymore because she knows OP doesn't take no for an answer.
Yep a passive aggressive move to avoid full out conflict but i don't blame her
Her move is not passive aggressive. It's assertive and non confrontational. EXCELLENT decision and good for dealing with a confrontational narcissistic bully.
If YOU were a frail pet would you want to be in that crazy selfish family? Sounds like pet rescue sister has found her base for well-deserved peace and sanity in a way that is giving of her love.
Yeah, I really hope that OP was paying her sister to take care of the kids instead of taking advantage. Four kids is a lot
Money isn't the issue here. You don't buy people or their lives or choices.
It gives me the jibbies when others have 3, 4, 5, 6, etc. kids. Like, why o why, do it? Fine, mind my business but you constantly hear about the stress of it, as if it just happened to them without a choice of precaution. We will only have 1 and there is little interest in 2, but will assest our abilities if possible... definitely not anytime soon. There is no reason any of us needs to be creating so many kids. 1 even 😅, I'll admit it. 🤷🏽♀️
Yeah and then they expect free babysitting food money and etc. My cats are like my kids and guess what. I pay for pet sitters, i pay for vet bills and i pay for thier food. Don't have something if you can't afford it
Good response in ways. But does any child ever really WANT to be an only child, without family units that are there for each other?? Think about the only child's perspective and future wants and needs.
You ask 'does any child ever really want to be an only child' and can answer, yes. Not me, I have several siblings and am glad of them (mostly). One I know loved it so much that he ensured that it was the case for his son, to be an only child. Some children don't like sharing their parents. Some have said to me 'I saw siblings fight and never wanted that'. For those of us with brothers and sisters it might seem odd but apparently these people exist!! 🤷♂️
I have no kids M-61 and never wanted them as my own father was nothing but a figurehead that never did anything with me or taught me anything. Do you have any idea what it's like going through school not knowing jack squat about any kind of sport? Not knowing how to catch a baseball or football? I wouldn't know how to be a father and I was unwilling to learn. My first wife also didn't want kids...............until she did, and that's a big reason she is my EX wife. My now wife of 15 years has one adult son 35 and even he is enough of a hassle at times and he's not even in the country! If had chosen to have even one kid I wouldn't own a home mortgage-free today or own nice cars and travel where and when we want. Also, for other issues regarding my father and being an only son, I am more than happy to end his bloodline and surname.
Facts
This comment has been deleted.
I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager and, yes, after my son was born. Once you become a parent, you simply do things you think you can't, because you MUST. That includes taking care of your child even though everything inside you wants to curl up in a corner and shut out the world. If the dad is getting therapy and taking meds, there is no reason he can't be present to help with the kids. I'm not saying it will be easy, but it's one of those things you have to *make* yourself do when you're a parent. Children come first. And they are YOUR responsibility, no one else's. It's hard, I've been there. OP definitely seems like she's taking her sister for granted.
It looks like he doesn't have any problems with making new babies.
It sounded like the depression happened AFTER the last child was born, not since the beginning. Also, the youngest is only 11 months. We don't know when the father started therapy or the antidepressants, but I would say it's probably fair to assume 10 months or less. Probably less. If it was the mom suffering from postpartum depression would people be as quick to jump all over her ass? We don't know how much the dad is or isn't helping, how much progress he's made, or, again, how long he has been in therapy. Antidepressants can also take time to find the one that works and the correct dosage. Also, people need to take the children's feelings into account. The oldest three were watched by sister, it sounded like the bonded quite well, and to now be told they can't go over to sister's house might have them thinking they did something wrong. There may very well be a lot of information the OP left out, it is unfair to judge that harshly. Is OP wrong? Yes. Does she deserve the insults.
Yeah, but if they struggle financially, they were in no position to make yet another baby. That makes them irresponsible parents, and no depression can justify that. We all know that nowadays (when couples live in households without their parents and when both mother and father work) having one or two children is hard enough if you want to raise them properly and give them the best start in life you can. Having more, especially in a short period of time, is not something a responsible person would do.
He got depression after the youngest was born.
Yes! This! I too have suffered with depression since I was a teenager, I've had a load of different therapy & counselling etc. and have been on antidepressants for 10+ years. My son was born a year ago, my (now ex) fiancé was revealed to be an alcoholic; so when my son was a week old I made the choice to become a single parent. I had to navigate the emotions & hormones of having just birthed a child, learning to be a mother, a break up, my usual depression.. and I coped and sucked it up and got on with it. My baby needed me, he needed me to advocate for his safety & happiness, he was totally reliant on me for his every need and there was no choice to do anything else or have a break. Yes, I'm exhausted. Yes, I wish things had been different. But, I know I have provided the best life for my son which is the only thing that matters.
I'm so proud of you! (I suffered from depression for about ten years. It was the obligations I had to my family that kept me alive. I, simply put, had to stay alive and do what I had to do so they could live. In the end, it all turned out good.)
Thank you <3 I'm glad everything turned out good for you! I have always wanted a family of my own, my mantra used to be "you can't have a baby if you're dead"! A year on I can see I was in a toxic and abusive relationship and let myself be manipulated and gaslighted and taken advantage of because I was so desperate for love and a "perfect" family. it's not the family I imagined having but me and my son are the best team! I'm not cured, I doubt I ever will be, but I'm in an amazing place right now.
I have had depression my whole life as well and I agree with you. I am childless but even for my pets I have to force myself to meet their needs during depressive episodes, even when it feels agonizing
It's different from person to person though. Some people will be able to make themselves overcome their depression fo do thr things they need to do and others simply won't be able to do that. Don't know if that's the case with the father, but it is a possibility. Honestly, this is a difficult situation all around and much harder than it needs to be if they live in the US due to the US's incredibly awful child care systems. A lot of other developed countries actually subsidize childcare to make it affordable for all or at least most workers. The US does not
I don't have kids, but I struggled with depression and social anxiety (neglected and denied for YEARS before I was diagnosed, because I was too ashamed to ask for help) while having a stressful job and a mortgage. I was crying everyday on may way to office. I almost lost my job because of my attitude, I was suicidal and I really don't know how I managed to survive (especially since I've got terrible side effects after I started taking antidepressants)... but I did because I had no choice - since being a burden, homeless and unemployed was no choice at all. I hope you're better now. Take care. I don't know how to express it (I'm not native English speaker) but I wish you all the best. <3
"Above all, my kids will always come before a dog and that's the reason I was willing to request it." To you and your husband, lady. To you and your husband. Your sister is child-free, presumably by choice, precisely because she doesn't want to have children. So stop forcing your sprongs onto her.
This was exactly my thought. Maybe what she needs is teaching her kids to get their act together. I was depressed for a long time, so i understand how the husband feels like too. Help him out of it and train the kids. Maybe people won't like the word "train" in relation to kids, but that's what you do when someone doesn't act correctly. Screaming, running around, not cleaning after yourself, all that should be fixed by training (or teaching if they're old enough)
This is excellent advice! You don't have 4 toddlers, but very capable kids and one baby. But they need a routine and boundaries and structure. They can carry their own weight by picking up after themselves, making their own simple breakfast and lunch, making beds, emptying the dishwasher, taking out trashes and doing laundry. You and your husband are their teachers and together you have work to do. The solution to your problem is in your own home. Don't keep looking to others. Start making changes today! Create a plan and work toward a calm, high functioning home. Blessings
Yes! Routine would help immensely! It helped me in my situation. Also, I had the kids call me hugs instead of mom. They would be cranky and say, "hugs (whining)" and whatever was wrong. I'd hug and then we would figure it out. It was suggested to me by a wise woman. It saved my sanity having no breaks and working too at the time.
This woman is seemingly incapable of learning anything herself, much less teaching kids. She likes to exude control over people's lives, and that may be her problem regarding her husband's withdrawal from responsibility and interaction. She needs help. He needs help. Not from each other. From professionals. Having children one after another is irresponsible and selfish. Her current ongoing escalating desperation is NOT HER SISTER'S PROBLEM.
I think the first response is the best. No one told her to have 4 kids and it’s not the sister’s responsibility to take care of them if she doesn’t want to. This is a case of “you made your bed, now lay in it.” Don’t have kids if you can’t afford to take care of them. That’s why I only have one.
Plus, her sister is getting dogs that can't be around children... that might be a very deliberate choice!
Yeah. I was wondering if this was a way of trying to put the brakes on the sister's demands, but feeling like she needed an excuse. She couldn't just say no and have it be respected. Though it is hard to place animals that can't be around kids, so her rescue may rely on her for that. In the rescue I was involved in, most of the fosters had children. I was one of the few that did not.
I second this. Sister needs an excuse not to babysit anymore because she knows OP doesn't take no for an answer.
Yep a passive aggressive move to avoid full out conflict but i don't blame her
Her move is not passive aggressive. It's assertive and non confrontational. EXCELLENT decision and good for dealing with a confrontational narcissistic bully.
If YOU were a frail pet would you want to be in that crazy selfish family? Sounds like pet rescue sister has found her base for well-deserved peace and sanity in a way that is giving of her love.
Yeah, I really hope that OP was paying her sister to take care of the kids instead of taking advantage. Four kids is a lot
Money isn't the issue here. You don't buy people or their lives or choices.
It gives me the jibbies when others have 3, 4, 5, 6, etc. kids. Like, why o why, do it? Fine, mind my business but you constantly hear about the stress of it, as if it just happened to them without a choice of precaution. We will only have 1 and there is little interest in 2, but will assest our abilities if possible... definitely not anytime soon. There is no reason any of us needs to be creating so many kids. 1 even 😅, I'll admit it. 🤷🏽♀️
Yeah and then they expect free babysitting food money and etc. My cats are like my kids and guess what. I pay for pet sitters, i pay for vet bills and i pay for thier food. Don't have something if you can't afford it
Good response in ways. But does any child ever really WANT to be an only child, without family units that are there for each other?? Think about the only child's perspective and future wants and needs.
You ask 'does any child ever really want to be an only child' and can answer, yes. Not me, I have several siblings and am glad of them (mostly). One I know loved it so much that he ensured that it was the case for his son, to be an only child. Some children don't like sharing their parents. Some have said to me 'I saw siblings fight and never wanted that'. For those of us with brothers and sisters it might seem odd but apparently these people exist!! 🤷♂️
I have no kids M-61 and never wanted them as my own father was nothing but a figurehead that never did anything with me or taught me anything. Do you have any idea what it's like going through school not knowing jack squat about any kind of sport? Not knowing how to catch a baseball or football? I wouldn't know how to be a father and I was unwilling to learn. My first wife also didn't want kids...............until she did, and that's a big reason she is my EX wife. My now wife of 15 years has one adult son 35 and even he is enough of a hassle at times and he's not even in the country! If had chosen to have even one kid I wouldn't own a home mortgage-free today or own nice cars and travel where and when we want. Also, for other issues regarding my father and being an only son, I am more than happy to end his bloodline and surname.
Facts
This comment has been deleted.