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User submission
Hey Pandas, AITA For Standing Up For My Niece And For My Baby, Or Am I Just Causing Drama?
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Moderator’s note
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (29F) feel like I’m being dragged into every possible family conflict at once, and I genuinely don’t know if I’m handling things poorly or if everyone else is losing their minds.
My older sister, Laura (37F), has three kids. Her middle daughter, Sophie (15), is pregnant and still in school. The baby’s father (Evan, also 15) has basically moved into their house because, according to my sister, “it keeps things stable.” He sleeps on an air mattress in the corner of their living room.
Her oldest daughter, Maya (18), has been calling me on and off the past couple of months, venting about how tense the house has become. According to Maya, Sophie and Evan treat her like she’s an inconvenience in her own home. She says he calls her names, leaves a mess everywhere, and that Sophie jumps down her throat if she complains. Laura works long hours, and her husband works nights, so they don’t really see the behavior, and when Maya tries to explain it, they act like she’s being dramatic.
Last weekend, things apparently blew up. Maya called me crying because Sophie and Evan were playing video games loudly near midnight and woke their youngest sibling
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev (not the actual photo)
Maya asked them to turn it down, they told her to “shut up,” and it escalated into screaming, to the point that the neighbors were concerned.
She asked if she could stay with me just for the night. I said yes. I texted Laura immediately so no one thought she vanished, and Laura said it was fine.
One night turned into a week. Maya has been calm, polite, and helpful, especially when it came to helping me take care of my newborn. I think she honestly seemed relieved not to be constantly defending herself in her own home.
Yesterday, Laura called and told me that I “need” to send Maya home. She said Maya is “avoiding accountability” and “refusing to work things out with her sister”
Image credits: Kelly Sikkema (not the actual photo)
I told her I’m not going to physically turn an 18-year-old out of my house, especially when she’s clearly distressed. Laura got frustrated and said I’m undermining her parenting and “making things worse in the long run.”
So that’s situation #1. Then, on the same day, something else hit the fan at my own home.
On top of it all, my husband (34M) was watching our 5-month-old while I had a dentist appointment
Image credits: Rick Barrett (not the actual photo)
When I got home, the baby wasn’t there. He casually told me that his sister (Jenna, 31F) had taken the baby with her to run errands.
For context: Jenna has babysat before, but always in our apartment.
She has very… questionable judgment. She’s joked about things like “maybe I should spray him with water when he cries like a cat,” and she tends to just grab the baby out of my arms without asking. It’s all “joking,” but something about her boundaries is just off.
So I panicked. I told my husband he should have called me, and that I’m uncomfortable with the baby going out with someone who doesn’t have experience and whom I haven’t actually trusted with outings before.
He got defensive and said, “Well, you were in the dentist chair, you wouldn’t have checked anyway.”
We both ended up raising our voices over his sister watching our baby
Image credits: Aro Flo (not the actual photo)
So now my husband says I’m being overprotective, and my sister says I’m meddling and making my side of the family conflict worse.
Which led to me sitting on my kitchen floor last night, wondering if I’m actually the common denominator. AITA?
Moderator’s note
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
arthbach 1 month ago
Regarding the baby, it sounds like you and your husband really need to have a big discussion on what is and is not acceptable behaviour, and who is, and who is not an acceptable person to care for your child. Please don't try to talk about it when in the heat of the moment. Talk when you are both calm and can make reasonable, rational decisions.
arthbach 1 month ago
Let's address the 18 year old. There's only 21 countries where the age of majority is greater than 18, and two counties were it differs by state/province. The chances are very high she is an adult. This means she gets to live where she chooses, and her parents can't make that decision for her. It's therefore not a conversation for you to be involved with. Just keep repeating, "She is an adult; she can decide for herself. I will provide a safe, secure place for her to stay if she decides she no longer wants to live at home."
Jack 4 weeks ago
Maya is likely an adult at 18, so there is nothing to undermine. That kind of active parenting is over, and they should have been winding that down for a bit now anyway. Micromanaging their children's sibling relationship should have stopped long ago, as well. If they are not friends, if they don't get along by the time they're teens, then the most you can expect is feigned civility at family events. You cannot demand their relationship exist under your terms. It's intrusive, creepy, and out if line.
Nikki Sevven 4 weeks ago
Honestly, you sound like the only sane one in the family, including your husband.
Janelle Collard 4 weeks ago
All of the above. OP's the only adult in the room. Hubs is an idiot. Sis can't parent her own kids, never mind a 15-year-old baby daddy. And SIL has no business "taking OP's baby shopping."
JB 4 weeks ago (edited)
You are the common denominator. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad! You are the one person acting like a respectful, rational, adult. Your sister isn’t parenting, she’s enabling two mid-teens who have already made a mistake (getting pregnant) to compound the situation by choosing to move in together with her, presumably as they intend to keep the baby, but still act like selfish, irresponsible mid-teens. They have created a toxic environment that your niece can’t handle, that your sister isn’t there to handle because she’s at work (not a fault, a fact), yet expects her daughter to come home and “take accountability”. For what exactly? Two snotty teens who think they’re all grown up because there’s a baby on the way but still act their age and treat like Maya is an inconvenience with no sway in her own home? If, as arthbach says, Maya is a legal adult, then sis needs to be told that neither you nor she has any legal right to demand anything of her. It’s your sister’s responsibility as THE PARENT to navigate working anything out between the siblings. Maybe if she’s personally exposed to the teens telling her they can do what they want, when they want, how they want, she’ll gain a modicum of understanding as to why Maya has moved out. Baby is a little less clear. Did you and husband have conversations about your level of comfort for who can take your 5-mth old out on their own before Jenna swooped in and went off to do errands? Have you discussed your feelings about her boundary stomping or kept them to yourself for the sake of peace? If hubs didn’t know, your reaction may have blindsided him and, in your panicked state come across as accusatory. Defensiveness is a normal if non-constructive reaction. TBF he has a point about not calling; if the dentist was working on your teeth at the time, how would you answer the phone? Suggest you acknowledge that point so he feels less defensive, then have an in depth discussion about who you can mutually agree on as competent for alone time with baby. Use the 4 Cs: calm, cool, collected and concise. This isn’t a you against him scenario it’s two loving parents figuring out how to raise baby together and setting protective boundaries for their safety.
Day Andie 4 weeks ago
Easy solution. 18 year old is now an adult and can move out of mom' s and can live with aunt. No or low contact isn't a bad thing with that mess with the young teens. Let them figure out how to raise their kid and not expect big sis to do it. You now have a responsible babysitter living with you. Do not parentify her, but you can pay her to *occasionally* sit for you during times that you have appointments, etc. She gets some money and a quiet place to live. If she is clean and responsible, she'll be a good roommate until she can get work. Then she can start paying a token rent and groceries while saving money to get on her own feet with her own place. Win-win.
Kate Johnson 4 weeks ago
So OP's husband is a worthless POS who doesn't care about his own child's safety and welfare, and her sister doesn't seem to understand that her daughter has agency and is now an adult. Two problems, two AH's. Neither of them OP.
FreeTheUnicorn 3 weeks ago
If you didn't want the SIL to take the baby out of the apartment, that really should have been communicated. Most people would assume whoever has previously watched the baby is fine. It also sounds like an overreaction, but hard to know as a third party. A few hours of walking around isn't leaving her for a week and expecting meal planning etc but again, only you and your husband can figure that out, and it has to be a discussion not just a I don't approve so no or she's my sister and it's fine. Figure out what would reassure or be a red line. As for the niece, she's 18, she can go where she wants, as long as she's welcome. Be a neutral safe space but it isn't your problem to enforce anything.
Bette 3 weeks ago
The sister needs to understand she cannot makes demands on her 18 year old. If she wants her to return home; then she needs to talk to her and ASK her daughter to come back. The decision remains with the daughter. The decisions regarding their own baby need to be decided between husband and wife....both need to agree and come to agreement.
arthbach 1 month ago
Regarding the baby, it sounds like you and your husband really need to have a big discussion on what is and is not acceptable behaviour, and who is, and who is not an acceptable person to care for your child. Please don't try to talk about it when in the heat of the moment. Talk when you are both calm and can make reasonable, rational decisions.
arthbach 1 month ago
Let's address the 18 year old. There's only 21 countries where the age of majority is greater than 18, and two counties were it differs by state/province. The chances are very high she is an adult. This means she gets to live where she chooses, and her parents can't make that decision for her. It's therefore not a conversation for you to be involved with. Just keep repeating, "She is an adult; she can decide for herself. I will provide a safe, secure place for her to stay if she decides she no longer wants to live at home."
Jack 4 weeks ago
Maya is likely an adult at 18, so there is nothing to undermine. That kind of active parenting is over, and they should have been winding that down for a bit now anyway. Micromanaging their children's sibling relationship should have stopped long ago, as well. If they are not friends, if they don't get along by the time they're teens, then the most you can expect is feigned civility at family events. You cannot demand their relationship exist under your terms. It's intrusive, creepy, and out if line.
Nikki Sevven 4 weeks ago
Honestly, you sound like the only sane one in the family, including your husband.
Janelle Collard 4 weeks ago
All of the above. OP's the only adult in the room. Hubs is an idiot. Sis can't parent her own kids, never mind a 15-year-old baby daddy. And SIL has no business "taking OP's baby shopping."
JB 4 weeks ago (edited)
You are the common denominator. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad! You are the one person acting like a respectful, rational, adult. Your sister isn’t parenting, she’s enabling two mid-teens who have already made a mistake (getting pregnant) to compound the situation by choosing to move in together with her, presumably as they intend to keep the baby, but still act like selfish, irresponsible mid-teens. They have created a toxic environment that your niece can’t handle, that your sister isn’t there to handle because she’s at work (not a fault, a fact), yet expects her daughter to come home and “take accountability”. For what exactly? Two snotty teens who think they’re all grown up because there’s a baby on the way but still act their age and treat like Maya is an inconvenience with no sway in her own home? If, as arthbach says, Maya is a legal adult, then sis needs to be told that neither you nor she has any legal right to demand anything of her. It’s your sister’s responsibility as THE PARENT to navigate working anything out between the siblings. Maybe if she’s personally exposed to the teens telling her they can do what they want, when they want, how they want, she’ll gain a modicum of understanding as to why Maya has moved out. Baby is a little less clear. Did you and husband have conversations about your level of comfort for who can take your 5-mth old out on their own before Jenna swooped in and went off to do errands? Have you discussed your feelings about her boundary stomping or kept them to yourself for the sake of peace? If hubs didn’t know, your reaction may have blindsided him and, in your panicked state come across as accusatory. Defensiveness is a normal if non-constructive reaction. TBF he has a point about not calling; if the dentist was working on your teeth at the time, how would you answer the phone? Suggest you acknowledge that point so he feels less defensive, then have an in depth discussion about who you can mutually agree on as competent for alone time with baby. Use the 4 Cs: calm, cool, collected and concise. This isn’t a you against him scenario it’s two loving parents figuring out how to raise baby together and setting protective boundaries for their safety.
Day Andie 4 weeks ago
Easy solution. 18 year old is now an adult and can move out of mom' s and can live with aunt. No or low contact isn't a bad thing with that mess with the young teens. Let them figure out how to raise their kid and not expect big sis to do it. You now have a responsible babysitter living with you. Do not parentify her, but you can pay her to *occasionally* sit for you during times that you have appointments, etc. She gets some money and a quiet place to live. If she is clean and responsible, she'll be a good roommate until she can get work. Then she can start paying a token rent and groceries while saving money to get on her own feet with her own place. Win-win.
Kate Johnson 4 weeks ago
So OP's husband is a worthless POS who doesn't care about his own child's safety and welfare, and her sister doesn't seem to understand that her daughter has agency and is now an adult. Two problems, two AH's. Neither of them OP.
FreeTheUnicorn 3 weeks ago
If you didn't want the SIL to take the baby out of the apartment, that really should have been communicated. Most people would assume whoever has previously watched the baby is fine. It also sounds like an overreaction, but hard to know as a third party. A few hours of walking around isn't leaving her for a week and expecting meal planning etc but again, only you and your husband can figure that out, and it has to be a discussion not just a I don't approve so no or she's my sister and it's fine. Figure out what would reassure or be a red line. As for the niece, she's 18, she can go where she wants, as long as she's welcome. Be a neutral safe space but it isn't your problem to enforce anything.
Bette 3 weeks ago
The sister needs to understand she cannot makes demands on her 18 year old. If she wants her to return home; then she needs to talk to her and ASK her daughter to come back. The decision remains with the daughter. The decisions regarding their own baby need to be decided between husband and wife....both need to agree and come to agreement.
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