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User submission
Hey Pandas, AITA For Saying No When My Brother Tried To Have A Relationship After 20 Years?
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Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I grew up in a chaotic household. My parents divorced when I was 8, and my older brother “Mark” was 13. He took the divorce extremely personally and blamed our mom for everything. He became angry, resentful, and honestly scary to be around. He used to scream at her, punch walls, break things, and once he even shoved me during an argument they were having.
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When he turned 18, he moved in with our dad and completely cut ties with us. No birthday calls, no texts, nothing
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
He never checked on me once, even though he knew things at home were rough. Mom was working two jobs, I basically raised myself, and the whole time he pretended I didn’t exist.
Fast forward twenty years. I’m 30 now, married, stable, and genuinely happy. Out of nowhere, Mark reaches out on Facebook
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
His message was short: “Hey. We should reconnect. I want us to be family again.” That’s it. No apology, no acknowledgement of what happened, nothing.
I didn’t respond right away. A week later, he messaged again saying our dad told him I’ve “grown cold” and that it’s “time to fix the family.” He made it sound like I’m the one who created the distance.
I finally replied and said I wasn’t sure I was ready. That twenty years is a long time and a lot of hurt was never addressed
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
He blew up. He said I was being dramatic, that we were just kids, that life is too short to hold grudges. He also said his mental health had been bad recently and that “family should step up.”
I told him I was sorry he struggled, but it wasn’t fair for him to disappear for two decades and expect to walk back into my life without ever acknowledging what happened. He left me on read, then our father called me to say I’m “punishing” Mark and being heartless.
Now my dad and brother are both guilt tripping me, and I feel awful, but also… he abandoned me when I needed him. I don’t know if I owe him anything.
AITA for not wanting a relationship with my brother after he ignored me for 20 years?
Moderator’s note
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What do you think ?
lenka 2 weeks ago (edited)
His response to your concerns is telling. He did not acknowledge your feelings. He did not offer to tread slowly. He did not express regret or dissapointment about your lack of relationship. He does not seem to have even enquired how you are? What he did do is deny there was a problem, reverse the blame, attack YOU for being 'cold' and make YOU responsible for fixing the family. Let me be very frank.... This is a.b.u.s.i.v.e behaviour. Interestingly, he mentions that his mental health has not been good and that you are supposed to "step up". What is it exactly he wants from you? Because I assure you - he wants something. Tread very very carefully.
Vinnie 2 weeks ago
He's reaching only because he needs something and he's not willing to do the emotional work for it. If his mental health is poor, he needs help from a professional. Let his father pay for it.
person (i think) 2 weeks ago
Yeah, it sounds like he is who he always was. No growth. You are under no obligation to let them back into your life. Don’t let them guilt trip you with “family” nonsense, since they don’t treat you like family for 20 years.
Load More Replies... lenka 2 weeks ago (edited)
His response to your concerns is telling. He did not acknowledge your feelings. He did not offer to tread slowly. He did not express regret or dissapointment about your lack of relationship. He does not seem to have even enquired how you are? What he did do is deny there was a problem, reverse the blame, attack YOU for being 'cold' and make YOU responsible for fixing the family. Let me be very frank.... This is a.b.u.s.i.v.e behaviour. Interestingly, he mentions that his mental health has not been good and that you are supposed to "step up". What is it exactly he wants from you? Because I assure you - he wants something. Tread very very carefully.
Vinnie 2 weeks ago
He's reaching only because he needs something and he's not willing to do the emotional work for it. If his mental health is poor, he needs help from a professional. Let his father pay for it.
person (i think) 2 weeks ago
Yeah, it sounds like he is who he always was. No growth. You are under no obligation to let them back into your life. Don’t let them guilt trip you with “family” nonsense, since they don’t treat you like family for 20 years.
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