How do you know when is the right time to marry your significant other? Do you wait until your third anniversary? Or do you pay off your student loans first? No, wait. Let’s just forget the latter and focus on this lifetime.
According to Twitter user @cxkenobxkerry, however, a much more important question we should be asking ourselves is if we really should marry them in the first place.
On July 23, she posted a thread titled ‘Don’t Get Married Before‘ where the woman listed all the things we should know about ourselves and our partner before we tie the knot with them. From religion to sexuality, @cxkenobxkerry listed questions, touching on a wide range of themes that should reveal whether two people are compatible or not.
As of this article, the thread has over 220K likes and 60K retweets, and some commenters are even suggesting additional questions as well. Continue scrolling, check it out and who knows, maybe it’ll provide you with some answers, too.
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Dr. Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist and host of the podcast The Kurre and Klapow Show, defines romantic compatibility as “the degree to which each person’s view of love, intimacy, and attraction (and the expression of these experiences) work together for mutual benefit.”
Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, expanded on this, saying that romantic compatibility happens when two people are “equally attracted to each other.” But more than feeling butterflies and being emotionally intimate, according to Susan, romantic compatibility happens when they’re both “on the same page about where you want the relationship to go.”
When it comes to romance, it’s all about the details, like doing activities the two of you can enjoy together. This gets to the heart of romantic compatibility the way Jessmina “Minaa B.” Archbold, psychotherapist, social worker, and author of Rivers Are Coming: Essays and Poems on Healing, defines it. For Archbold, romantic compatibility is when two partners respect each other and are interested in learning more about each other. “You don’t necessarily have to share the same interests,” Archbold told Elite Daily. “But it means caring enough to learn about each other in order to strengthen the relationship bond, while also learning about each other’s needs.”
The thread continues to evolve to this day
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All of this doesn’t mean that opposites can’t attract one another. If one person is, for example, really interested in theater and the arts, and their partner is really immersed in sports and fitness, that doesn’t mean that they can’t be in a healthy, happy relationship. Opposites on the outside can attract, but similarities in values and morals on the inside are what’s necessary for a good match.
And here’s what other people have been saying about it
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I haven't read all of it. However, here's my thought. People change, they grow, they evolve. And with them, their opinions change as well. Our experiences shape our views on life, on style, on everything. They are not (and should not be) unchangeable. We should be able to adjust and adapt to new circumstances (I, for one, don't have the same opinions on certain things like I did 10 years ago!) The only constant in our lives should be our moral principles. And as the saying goes "A wise man changes his mind sometimes, but a fool never." So, no. I don't agree with some of the things in this list.
Some people change in some ways. There are things that won't ever change for a person, and those are the points that need to be discussed. Religion is an example point for me. I am not and will never be religious, so the "people change, grow and evolve" would not be a suitable way for my partner to think about that aspect of our lives.
Load More Replies...One of the core points I think people are missing is that she's asking people to discuss these things so that you know how much you have in common and how much you may need to compromise who you are at your core to be married to a specific person. Speaking from experience, it's exhausting when you constantly have to act a certain way to meet the expectations of your spouse in order to avoid a fight. My first marriage lasted 11 months and was garbage because we disagreed on several of the things on this list and my ex was adamant about getting married anyway. My second marriage is amazing and we have been together almost a decade because we discussed and came to a resolution on everything on this list. We don't agree on everything but we compliment each other excellently and each get to be ourselves.
Exactly, it's not about finding a copy of yourself in the sex you prefer. It's about compromising, understanding and consenting on those differences willingly before stepping into a more serious zone. I'm just 23, but I'm glad I'm not yet in a serious relationship as a youngster because I'd a dumbfuck then and believe 'loVE sHaLL fIX evEryThiNg' xD And I also want to add that you shouldn't have to try to be someone else, but if a change makes you a better person, say reducing fast food diet, stop smoking, more exercise, etc, if a marriage can push you to make those changes, then please by all means.
Load More Replies...Number 3 should not be "when/how" but also "IF". Not everyone wants kids.
Imagine you’re about to get married to someone and you haven’t discussed if you want kids or not though with them.
Load More Replies...If you have a problem with this thread, then you are one of many who are winging it when it comes to marriage. You don’t have to agree with everything she wrote, but the fundamentals are right on point. There are certain things you have to get right before getting married. There’s no way around this.
I have a problem with this thread because I talk about half of this stuff with people I’m not planning to marry, people know most of this stuff about me 😂 ... also I am never planning on marrying so I’m not one of those many people winging marriage
Load More Replies...I got married at 23, we've been married 5 years and have now got three kids. After reading this I realised that we'd at some point discussed all those topics before we got married. A lot of stuff about marriage isn't about love (although it's a big factor), it's about partnership, compatibility, trust and life journeys
When I got married we knew some of these questions but a lot of them you can’t answer until you are there. There is a difference between theory and practice.
This is very well put. Not to mention that lots of these things are different, once in practice, because the world changes as well. For example, the debts part. Economy is not the same today as it was years ago (regardless of the pandemic crisis), and so are the ways of dealing with it. New times, new options.
Load More Replies...Me and my wife are 'chalk and cheese', we literally have hardly anything in common. Yeah, we both like films, but not actually the same kind. Be both eat (obviously), but not the same stuff (list goes on). However, I have a theory behind the fact that we've been together for over 26 years; my strengths are her weakness’s and vice versa. I believe (subconsciously?) that that is one of the reasons how we choose a mate. I’m excellent at finances, wife isn’t. Wife is excellent at social contact, I’m not (Aspergers). Swings roundabouts.
Sorry, forgot to add that we love each other alot and are each other's best friend.
Load More Replies...The single most important thing that few, if any, realize or accept is that there are TWO adults in this marriage. DO NOT TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE CHILDREN. People who lie, cheat, fight, etc., are nothing more than children. That marriage will NEVER survive. It is possible to grow up, but few, today, do. They have been catered to most of their lives and expect the same after they "grow up." Which they never do.
I think this is a very interesting point. Who wants to live with someone still acting like a child. To extend it there are also adults who still seem to have a need to be parented. I know some people who are in their 40s with one young child. Stay at home mother and shift working father. Their parents don't just help out but seem to run their life for them - cleaning the house, popping round to take the bins in and out, even handling the paperwork (utility bills for example - they don't even FILE them on their own!). I don't get why they don't want to be autonomous adults. I couldn't wait to leave home and run my own life. Parents are supposed to prepare their children to be independant adults aren't they? If you get one person in a relationship still wanting their hand held by mum or dad that's not going to be easy to cope with for the other.
Load More Replies...I think it's excellent some people sometimes send out stuff that seems very obvious, but in fact is not so. Anyone can learn from tips like these, to be honest. I've been married for 12 years now (OMG!) and these have come up bit by bit, but we hadn't discussed half of it before we got married. It would have been better and also less painful if we had, we would probably have prevented many fights. We're good now, but some topics are just really hard to discuss and we differ greatly on some matters. When discussing all this stuff, you lake the decision to get married a lot more rational, I realise that. But you ALSO prevent lots of uncomfortable discussions, I think. It's sound advice.
maybe if you had discussed all 20 points upfront you wouldn't have married him ? ;-)
Load More Replies...One thing she didn't mention was political views. In some instances, like where both are fairly apathetic, it might not matter as much. But if your views swing strongly one way or the other, it's important to match that. I speak from experience on this one unfortunately. I lean VERY strongly to the left and my ex is super conservative. Not a winning formula.
Even if people will change; even if this doesn't cover all of the bases; even if this misses the major life-changing events that will rock some relationships...the most important thing gathered here is the skill to TALK about difficult and important topics with your partner. If they are not willing to sit down at the table and talk to you about finances, beliefs, health, goals, expectations etc., then your relationship WILL end, perhaps disastrously.
Lost me at check for STDs. Unless it’s an open marriage why would you need to regularly check for STDs? Toilet seats?
Obviously you’ve never had someone cheat on you and bring it home.
Load More Replies...I expected this to be a fluff post, but all these things are very good advice. I've been married for 40+yrs. Still madly in love. I especially like the "commitment to love" advice - - and respect, respect, respect!!! Don't ever take love for granted. Continue to woo him/her.
Married over 25 years, with three bouts in counseling b/c s**t happens, and you can't know how you'll react t it at 40 versus 30 or 25... Physical injury, unemployment due to a global economic collapse, these are things that most don't discuss ahead of time --- _________Or, as I have been known to say, yes, actuall aloud, "If you only want someone just like yourself, stand in front of a mirror with a tube of lube and f*** yourself." Graphic and vulgar? Yes. Did it get the point across? Yes. Consideration, compromise, COMMUNCIATION, and never assume that the person today is the person he/she was last week. Experiences can shake people in ways we cant predict. But if we are good friends as wlell as good partners and lovers, we stand a better chance, IMO.
I haven't read all of this because after few point it was clear it's a b******t. I'm married for 19 years by now and we are both happy. What really annoys me is that someone think it's a possible to compile a list of rules without taking in account that humans are all different and you cannot create it at all
Obviously, it's not a list for everyone to live by, but it does provide insight into the kinds of things you should be thinking about before committing. The fact is, in most first world countries 40-50% of marriages end up in divorce. There are many, MANY people who clearly don't give it enough thought at all.
Load More Replies...Finances is one of the biggest things but she's missed a point, don't talk about how much savings you have, that's reliant on a lot of factors, talk about how you view money. Is one of you a saver and one of you a spender? This is what will cause problems, not how much you have in the bank but what you decide to do with it. It's not how much debt you have, it's how you view debt in general.
The pieces of fabric that you wear on your body to keep yourself warm and cover your unmentionables. That what clothing is. -- all joking aside, she means "how much do you care what the other person wears around the house and in public". You would be surprised how fussy some people can be about such things.
Load More Replies...Also a VERY big thing. Affectionate or not, in public or not.. sucking long term face is not needed by anyone! But.. if you are N affectionate, touchy feely and love being touched kind of person, DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE WHO ISN'T!!! You will be so disappointed and sad, disillusioned , your heart will break! I mean this. Also, watch for whether or not they are affectionate in public but not private. No no no! If you are the kind that thinks you can change this un- touchy feely person, you will not. Children need the touchy feely stuff too. Yearn for it. So, having been the touchy feely person in my relationship, I am still married, for love, but on that part of my relationship, well, think the 3 D's. Disappointed, Disillusioned, Dead.. almost! It is so vitally important to you, as a TF person, you will be so sorry you married the un- TF person. It affects you more than you will ever realize until it's too late.
I think age does matter to a degree and this is why: When a 20 year old marries a 40 year old and they are both active they can enjoy those activities together but don't forget...when your 30 they will be 50, when your 40 they will be 60, when your 50 they will be 70 etc...at some point someone is still going to want to be active and have energy that the other may not. I mention this because I've seen it happen.
She's addressing people that are jumping into marriage without actually getting to know each other, hoping it will be some fairytale. People that think that way should not have this list, they should grow first to become people who do not need that list and intrinsically feel the need to get to know each other. For many this does not happen until way after their fertile years. This is a good thing. She sounds like a very uptight person and "being engaged" does not give you the perspective of being married for a few decades and learning that you grow as a person and that things change. No list will get you on the same page. Accepting your way is not the only way (and sure, getting some serious red flags out of the way, but this happens, when you get to know each other) is the only way to stay together.
Good things to talk about but all of that can change with in the course of just a few years. It would need to be a continued conversation. Also, if these answers change then just get a divorce if you need to. It isn't anyone's fault, it is just how life it. It doesn't have to be seen as a negative or a failure to get divorced. But, yes, these things should be discussed way before marriage.
How about truth? My ex lied about who she really was, and 17 years later tells me that it all was a lie and that she was leaving to live out her true life. Left the kids and myself behind...
No one can possibly take any advice you offer seriously if you cannot construct a coherent, logical sentence.
Uhm, you should know about these things before you enter into a relationship with someone at all.... it's a bit late to talk about STDs or how you think about kids when you have already been dating for a while!?
When eharmony was a newer thing, the intake questionnaire was a LOT more probing than putting up a list of your interests and a flattering picture with a few details of how often you smoke or drink. I think it was the most thought I had ever put into analyzing what traits in a partner I was really looking for. One of the most enlightening parts was how they provided a list of 40-60 things that might be core values or desires and asked you to choose only 10 of them that you absolutely could not do without in a mate, which was very difficult to do when you would be able to pick at least 15 or 20. Same again except with a list of things that were deal breakers, and this gave me a very different perspective on what I would realistically be able to expect any partner to be. Especially knowing that no one is perfect, and that the VERY BEST CASE SCENARIO might ever only be able to match 7 or 8 of those 10 traits that you had to pare down reluctantly to those 10 from 20 you really wanted
Ah,.... so apart from my baldness, incredible old age, relative not giving a s**t poverty, preference for animals over humans, I now have a list to match myself up to? Damn. That would really hurt if I gave a toss.
Each other's family CAN be (and often is) a huge issue, especially if there are a lack of boundary's. It WILL effect your marriage, this I learned the hard way. Your SO's closeness to their family or lack there of is something to discuss. in particular their relationship with their mother. Overall, IMO, the most important thing to do, if you're going to get married, is to take your time, getting to know one another. There are people who will hide things from you but it's hard to do that for years. If you're saying that you want to be with someone for life, then there's no reason to rush.
If he seems to good to be true before the marriage, end it ! It is all an act and the to good to be true and his true self will not be so good.
Most of this knowledge tends to accumulate naturally as people get to know each other during the relationship prior to the marriage, provided you don't decide to get married a week after you met.
These advice would be OK at the start of a serious relationship...but not before getting married. By the time the idea of the wedding comes up you SHOULD already know your partner enough to answer the questions. Also, people's answers to these questions do not mean anything if they really-really want to get married...their answers are not going to be honest.
lol Relationships are not a box ticking exercise. They are about your feelings and emotions. For long term relationships compromise is key. You will get in a row sooner or later and someone will have to compromise.
By talking about these subjects ahead of time, you will get to know how good your partner is at compromise. This isn't an exercise of "check these boxes and you will be ok", it is an exercise of "if you are incapable of checking one of these boxes, you will likely have problems in the future"
Load More Replies...This is absolute garbage, me and my wife have been together for over 20 years, we have never once had a discussion about any of that, well we did early on talk about kids, I didn't want any and she wanted to have at least 2, we compromised and had 4. But that is it. If you go through this list there is likely going to be a few your are not going to be in total agreement on and it would be a shame if that was only the deal breaker. Here is the only secret to being and staying married. I married my best friend, I love spending time with her and she loves spending time with me.
Time and time again I hear 'I married my best friend' and I do wonder if that's the secret! I've seen people break apart because they can't agree on the children thing or, in one case, they went ahead because he wanted children and she's regretted it ever since (despite loving the child immensely it wasn't at all what she thought it would be - got duped by the advertisers dream of how babies are). But those who were best friends all seemed to rise above it all somehow. I don't know - half the time it's difficult enough to just find someone you want to spend an evening with!
Load More Replies...How could that seem like an unimportant topic in a marriage? It shapes your whole view of the world. Not saying that people from different religious backgrounds can't be together but you need to know these things and know that you're okay with compromise and how you deal with issues that could potentially come up because of that. And if you want to have children together then even more so.
Load More Replies...How to not get married: follow this list and you end up scaring away your botfriend/girlfriend. Just saying.
my botfriend never gets scared. That's part of the programming.
Load More Replies...You complicate this simple thing. My tips is just go getting marry with SO who you know for at least a years and you could cope his/her bad and good side. And think about age too guys.. People have their own prioritize on twenties and thirties and forties.. It is because our body have its own stage too.. I meant When you just grown up adult then your body still in early sexual experience stage where you might think of going around much.. But when you close to 40, then you will at least think of child who will inherit or bring new joy to you.. Just no.. Don't ask that much info then loosing your best chance for asked too much.. That is just wierd..
I don't understand the point of the "Clothing" advice. Anyway, I would add "Prenups" to this list. As in, avoid them. In my opinion, a person who wants a prenup is saying, (1) (s)he doesn't totally trust the other person, and (2) money is more important, than the other person is, to the person who wants the prenup
And you wonder why this b***h was only engaged.... and still is not married. Yeah i'll hold my breath before taking advice from someone who is not married about marriage.
I'm pretty sure that someone filling out this list with you would raise a bunch of red flags for them... so I can understand why you don't like it.
Load More Replies...we should listen to her because she knows what is good for us
Load More Replies...They weren't rules. It was advice on things people should talk about before marriage. Big, important things that have the potential to end a marriage if there is a major difference in feelings on the matter, like whether someone wants kids. Any marriage that starts with people opening up to each other about things like that is asking for problems.
Load More Replies...I haven't read all of it. However, here's my thought. People change, they grow, they evolve. And with them, their opinions change as well. Our experiences shape our views on life, on style, on everything. They are not (and should not be) unchangeable. We should be able to adjust and adapt to new circumstances (I, for one, don't have the same opinions on certain things like I did 10 years ago!) The only constant in our lives should be our moral principles. And as the saying goes "A wise man changes his mind sometimes, but a fool never." So, no. I don't agree with some of the things in this list.
Some people change in some ways. There are things that won't ever change for a person, and those are the points that need to be discussed. Religion is an example point for me. I am not and will never be religious, so the "people change, grow and evolve" would not be a suitable way for my partner to think about that aspect of our lives.
Load More Replies...One of the core points I think people are missing is that she's asking people to discuss these things so that you know how much you have in common and how much you may need to compromise who you are at your core to be married to a specific person. Speaking from experience, it's exhausting when you constantly have to act a certain way to meet the expectations of your spouse in order to avoid a fight. My first marriage lasted 11 months and was garbage because we disagreed on several of the things on this list and my ex was adamant about getting married anyway. My second marriage is amazing and we have been together almost a decade because we discussed and came to a resolution on everything on this list. We don't agree on everything but we compliment each other excellently and each get to be ourselves.
Exactly, it's not about finding a copy of yourself in the sex you prefer. It's about compromising, understanding and consenting on those differences willingly before stepping into a more serious zone. I'm just 23, but I'm glad I'm not yet in a serious relationship as a youngster because I'd a dumbfuck then and believe 'loVE sHaLL fIX evEryThiNg' xD And I also want to add that you shouldn't have to try to be someone else, but if a change makes you a better person, say reducing fast food diet, stop smoking, more exercise, etc, if a marriage can push you to make those changes, then please by all means.
Load More Replies...Number 3 should not be "when/how" but also "IF". Not everyone wants kids.
Imagine you’re about to get married to someone and you haven’t discussed if you want kids or not though with them.
Load More Replies...If you have a problem with this thread, then you are one of many who are winging it when it comes to marriage. You don’t have to agree with everything she wrote, but the fundamentals are right on point. There are certain things you have to get right before getting married. There’s no way around this.
I have a problem with this thread because I talk about half of this stuff with people I’m not planning to marry, people know most of this stuff about me 😂 ... also I am never planning on marrying so I’m not one of those many people winging marriage
Load More Replies...I got married at 23, we've been married 5 years and have now got three kids. After reading this I realised that we'd at some point discussed all those topics before we got married. A lot of stuff about marriage isn't about love (although it's a big factor), it's about partnership, compatibility, trust and life journeys
When I got married we knew some of these questions but a lot of them you can’t answer until you are there. There is a difference between theory and practice.
This is very well put. Not to mention that lots of these things are different, once in practice, because the world changes as well. For example, the debts part. Economy is not the same today as it was years ago (regardless of the pandemic crisis), and so are the ways of dealing with it. New times, new options.
Load More Replies...Me and my wife are 'chalk and cheese', we literally have hardly anything in common. Yeah, we both like films, but not actually the same kind. Be both eat (obviously), but not the same stuff (list goes on). However, I have a theory behind the fact that we've been together for over 26 years; my strengths are her weakness’s and vice versa. I believe (subconsciously?) that that is one of the reasons how we choose a mate. I’m excellent at finances, wife isn’t. Wife is excellent at social contact, I’m not (Aspergers). Swings roundabouts.
Sorry, forgot to add that we love each other alot and are each other's best friend.
Load More Replies...The single most important thing that few, if any, realize or accept is that there are TWO adults in this marriage. DO NOT TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE CHILDREN. People who lie, cheat, fight, etc., are nothing more than children. That marriage will NEVER survive. It is possible to grow up, but few, today, do. They have been catered to most of their lives and expect the same after they "grow up." Which they never do.
I think this is a very interesting point. Who wants to live with someone still acting like a child. To extend it there are also adults who still seem to have a need to be parented. I know some people who are in their 40s with one young child. Stay at home mother and shift working father. Their parents don't just help out but seem to run their life for them - cleaning the house, popping round to take the bins in and out, even handling the paperwork (utility bills for example - they don't even FILE them on their own!). I don't get why they don't want to be autonomous adults. I couldn't wait to leave home and run my own life. Parents are supposed to prepare their children to be independant adults aren't they? If you get one person in a relationship still wanting their hand held by mum or dad that's not going to be easy to cope with for the other.
Load More Replies...I think it's excellent some people sometimes send out stuff that seems very obvious, but in fact is not so. Anyone can learn from tips like these, to be honest. I've been married for 12 years now (OMG!) and these have come up bit by bit, but we hadn't discussed half of it before we got married. It would have been better and also less painful if we had, we would probably have prevented many fights. We're good now, but some topics are just really hard to discuss and we differ greatly on some matters. When discussing all this stuff, you lake the decision to get married a lot more rational, I realise that. But you ALSO prevent lots of uncomfortable discussions, I think. It's sound advice.
maybe if you had discussed all 20 points upfront you wouldn't have married him ? ;-)
Load More Replies...One thing she didn't mention was political views. In some instances, like where both are fairly apathetic, it might not matter as much. But if your views swing strongly one way or the other, it's important to match that. I speak from experience on this one unfortunately. I lean VERY strongly to the left and my ex is super conservative. Not a winning formula.
Even if people will change; even if this doesn't cover all of the bases; even if this misses the major life-changing events that will rock some relationships...the most important thing gathered here is the skill to TALK about difficult and important topics with your partner. If they are not willing to sit down at the table and talk to you about finances, beliefs, health, goals, expectations etc., then your relationship WILL end, perhaps disastrously.
Lost me at check for STDs. Unless it’s an open marriage why would you need to regularly check for STDs? Toilet seats?
Obviously you’ve never had someone cheat on you and bring it home.
Load More Replies...I expected this to be a fluff post, but all these things are very good advice. I've been married for 40+yrs. Still madly in love. I especially like the "commitment to love" advice - - and respect, respect, respect!!! Don't ever take love for granted. Continue to woo him/her.
Married over 25 years, with three bouts in counseling b/c s**t happens, and you can't know how you'll react t it at 40 versus 30 or 25... Physical injury, unemployment due to a global economic collapse, these are things that most don't discuss ahead of time --- _________Or, as I have been known to say, yes, actuall aloud, "If you only want someone just like yourself, stand in front of a mirror with a tube of lube and f*** yourself." Graphic and vulgar? Yes. Did it get the point across? Yes. Consideration, compromise, COMMUNCIATION, and never assume that the person today is the person he/she was last week. Experiences can shake people in ways we cant predict. But if we are good friends as wlell as good partners and lovers, we stand a better chance, IMO.
I haven't read all of this because after few point it was clear it's a b******t. I'm married for 19 years by now and we are both happy. What really annoys me is that someone think it's a possible to compile a list of rules without taking in account that humans are all different and you cannot create it at all
Obviously, it's not a list for everyone to live by, but it does provide insight into the kinds of things you should be thinking about before committing. The fact is, in most first world countries 40-50% of marriages end up in divorce. There are many, MANY people who clearly don't give it enough thought at all.
Load More Replies...Finances is one of the biggest things but she's missed a point, don't talk about how much savings you have, that's reliant on a lot of factors, talk about how you view money. Is one of you a saver and one of you a spender? This is what will cause problems, not how much you have in the bank but what you decide to do with it. It's not how much debt you have, it's how you view debt in general.
The pieces of fabric that you wear on your body to keep yourself warm and cover your unmentionables. That what clothing is. -- all joking aside, she means "how much do you care what the other person wears around the house and in public". You would be surprised how fussy some people can be about such things.
Load More Replies...Also a VERY big thing. Affectionate or not, in public or not.. sucking long term face is not needed by anyone! But.. if you are N affectionate, touchy feely and love being touched kind of person, DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE WHO ISN'T!!! You will be so disappointed and sad, disillusioned , your heart will break! I mean this. Also, watch for whether or not they are affectionate in public but not private. No no no! If you are the kind that thinks you can change this un- touchy feely person, you will not. Children need the touchy feely stuff too. Yearn for it. So, having been the touchy feely person in my relationship, I am still married, for love, but on that part of my relationship, well, think the 3 D's. Disappointed, Disillusioned, Dead.. almost! It is so vitally important to you, as a TF person, you will be so sorry you married the un- TF person. It affects you more than you will ever realize until it's too late.
I think age does matter to a degree and this is why: When a 20 year old marries a 40 year old and they are both active they can enjoy those activities together but don't forget...when your 30 they will be 50, when your 40 they will be 60, when your 50 they will be 70 etc...at some point someone is still going to want to be active and have energy that the other may not. I mention this because I've seen it happen.
She's addressing people that are jumping into marriage without actually getting to know each other, hoping it will be some fairytale. People that think that way should not have this list, they should grow first to become people who do not need that list and intrinsically feel the need to get to know each other. For many this does not happen until way after their fertile years. This is a good thing. She sounds like a very uptight person and "being engaged" does not give you the perspective of being married for a few decades and learning that you grow as a person and that things change. No list will get you on the same page. Accepting your way is not the only way (and sure, getting some serious red flags out of the way, but this happens, when you get to know each other) is the only way to stay together.
Good things to talk about but all of that can change with in the course of just a few years. It would need to be a continued conversation. Also, if these answers change then just get a divorce if you need to. It isn't anyone's fault, it is just how life it. It doesn't have to be seen as a negative or a failure to get divorced. But, yes, these things should be discussed way before marriage.
How about truth? My ex lied about who she really was, and 17 years later tells me that it all was a lie and that she was leaving to live out her true life. Left the kids and myself behind...
No one can possibly take any advice you offer seriously if you cannot construct a coherent, logical sentence.
Uhm, you should know about these things before you enter into a relationship with someone at all.... it's a bit late to talk about STDs or how you think about kids when you have already been dating for a while!?
When eharmony was a newer thing, the intake questionnaire was a LOT more probing than putting up a list of your interests and a flattering picture with a few details of how often you smoke or drink. I think it was the most thought I had ever put into analyzing what traits in a partner I was really looking for. One of the most enlightening parts was how they provided a list of 40-60 things that might be core values or desires and asked you to choose only 10 of them that you absolutely could not do without in a mate, which was very difficult to do when you would be able to pick at least 15 or 20. Same again except with a list of things that were deal breakers, and this gave me a very different perspective on what I would realistically be able to expect any partner to be. Especially knowing that no one is perfect, and that the VERY BEST CASE SCENARIO might ever only be able to match 7 or 8 of those 10 traits that you had to pare down reluctantly to those 10 from 20 you really wanted
Ah,.... so apart from my baldness, incredible old age, relative not giving a s**t poverty, preference for animals over humans, I now have a list to match myself up to? Damn. That would really hurt if I gave a toss.
Each other's family CAN be (and often is) a huge issue, especially if there are a lack of boundary's. It WILL effect your marriage, this I learned the hard way. Your SO's closeness to their family or lack there of is something to discuss. in particular their relationship with their mother. Overall, IMO, the most important thing to do, if you're going to get married, is to take your time, getting to know one another. There are people who will hide things from you but it's hard to do that for years. If you're saying that you want to be with someone for life, then there's no reason to rush.
If he seems to good to be true before the marriage, end it ! It is all an act and the to good to be true and his true self will not be so good.
Most of this knowledge tends to accumulate naturally as people get to know each other during the relationship prior to the marriage, provided you don't decide to get married a week after you met.
These advice would be OK at the start of a serious relationship...but not before getting married. By the time the idea of the wedding comes up you SHOULD already know your partner enough to answer the questions. Also, people's answers to these questions do not mean anything if they really-really want to get married...their answers are not going to be honest.
lol Relationships are not a box ticking exercise. They are about your feelings and emotions. For long term relationships compromise is key. You will get in a row sooner or later and someone will have to compromise.
By talking about these subjects ahead of time, you will get to know how good your partner is at compromise. This isn't an exercise of "check these boxes and you will be ok", it is an exercise of "if you are incapable of checking one of these boxes, you will likely have problems in the future"
Load More Replies...This is absolute garbage, me and my wife have been together for over 20 years, we have never once had a discussion about any of that, well we did early on talk about kids, I didn't want any and she wanted to have at least 2, we compromised and had 4. But that is it. If you go through this list there is likely going to be a few your are not going to be in total agreement on and it would be a shame if that was only the deal breaker. Here is the only secret to being and staying married. I married my best friend, I love spending time with her and she loves spending time with me.
Time and time again I hear 'I married my best friend' and I do wonder if that's the secret! I've seen people break apart because they can't agree on the children thing or, in one case, they went ahead because he wanted children and she's regretted it ever since (despite loving the child immensely it wasn't at all what she thought it would be - got duped by the advertisers dream of how babies are). But those who were best friends all seemed to rise above it all somehow. I don't know - half the time it's difficult enough to just find someone you want to spend an evening with!
Load More Replies...How could that seem like an unimportant topic in a marriage? It shapes your whole view of the world. Not saying that people from different religious backgrounds can't be together but you need to know these things and know that you're okay with compromise and how you deal with issues that could potentially come up because of that. And if you want to have children together then even more so.
Load More Replies...How to not get married: follow this list and you end up scaring away your botfriend/girlfriend. Just saying.
my botfriend never gets scared. That's part of the programming.
Load More Replies...You complicate this simple thing. My tips is just go getting marry with SO who you know for at least a years and you could cope his/her bad and good side. And think about age too guys.. People have their own prioritize on twenties and thirties and forties.. It is because our body have its own stage too.. I meant When you just grown up adult then your body still in early sexual experience stage where you might think of going around much.. But when you close to 40, then you will at least think of child who will inherit or bring new joy to you.. Just no.. Don't ask that much info then loosing your best chance for asked too much.. That is just wierd..
I don't understand the point of the "Clothing" advice. Anyway, I would add "Prenups" to this list. As in, avoid them. In my opinion, a person who wants a prenup is saying, (1) (s)he doesn't totally trust the other person, and (2) money is more important, than the other person is, to the person who wants the prenup
And you wonder why this b***h was only engaged.... and still is not married. Yeah i'll hold my breath before taking advice from someone who is not married about marriage.
I'm pretty sure that someone filling out this list with you would raise a bunch of red flags for them... so I can understand why you don't like it.
Load More Replies...we should listen to her because she knows what is good for us
Load More Replies...They weren't rules. It was advice on things people should talk about before marriage. Big, important things that have the potential to end a marriage if there is a major difference in feelings on the matter, like whether someone wants kids. Any marriage that starts with people opening up to each other about things like that is asking for problems.
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