Psychotherapist Explains Why We Should Let Our Grieving Friends Be In Pain Instead Of Trying To Cheer Them Up
You won’t heal somebody’s pain by trying to take it away from them. Megan Devine, a psychotherapist and writer of Refuge in Grief has created an insightful animation that talks about the alternative. Even though it may sound counter-intuitive, Devine argues that acknowledging your friend’s pain will help them much more than telling them to cheer up or look on the bright side.
More info: refugeingrief.com
“I started my professional career as a psychotherapist in 2001,” Devine wrote on her website. “In those first years, I worked with people wrestling with substance addiction and patterns of homelessness. In subsequent years, I worked with private practice clients facing decades-old abuse, trauma, and grief. Way back before I became a therapist, I worked in sexual violence education and advocacy. Through it all, I studied the cutting edge of emotional literacy and resilience (and being the social anthropologist I am, I also studied comparative religion, mythology, women’s history, and the use of art for social change).”
The psychotherapist had helped people explore their inner worlds, hear their own hearts, find truth and meaning in their lives. And then, on a perfectly ordinary summer day in 2009, she watched my partner drown. “Matt was strong, fit, and healthy – just three months from his fortieth birthday. It was random, unexpected, and it tore my world apart.”
“When sudden death erupted into my life, all my professional experience felt meaningless. None of what I knew applied to loss of that magnitude. None of what I’d learned mattered. I quit my practice the day Matt died. I never saw my clients again.”
“In those early days of my own grief, real talk – real help – was extremely hard to find. Back then, there were very few people talking about grief as anything other than pathology, or some unfortunate thing you just had to shake off and get back to your normal, happy life.”
That endless search for real support and understanding, “with all its dead ends and wrong turns and disappointments” is why Devine does the work she does now.
Watch the entire video below
Here’s what said about it
I agree. Telling someone to cheer up sounds like telling them you're uncomfortable near them and that they have to fix it asap by cheering up. In other words, it sounds very selfish.
Yes, exactly. They don't realize it or mean it that way but they have no idea what it's like. You never do until it happens to you.
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That last comment is very disrespectful. People who say 'cheer up' are not always 'not a safe person' or 'don't want to know/don't care'. They are often people who don't know how to help someone, who genuinely care, but never learned how to deal with other people's pain. They themselves were always comforted by others saying 'cheer up' and even though it might not have helped them, they know no other way to react. They're still good people.
Saying that someone is 'not a safe person' to share grief, sadness or depression with is not the same as saying that someone is a bad person, just that they do not possess the skills for handling the situation. In the same way my butcher is not a safe person to approach for open heart surgery. My four year old niece is not a safe person to ask to chauffeur for me. Good people, but not safe in certain situations.
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People need to go through pain, it's a part of life - it's the same with depression. Let people cry, scream and shout - it will make them feel better. It makes people feel worse when you pester them, tell them to smile or cheer up. Crying is one of the best medicines for any situation.
When it comes to grief and loss, "I am sorry you are hurting." Is often better than "Feel better soon."
"We try to cheer people up because we think that is our job" No, we try to cheer people up because we (of Western European influence) try to avoid unpleasant feelings (our own and other's) at all cost. We lack emotional literacy and stuff our feelings and expect others to do the same.
This is so true, and it's so nice to hear someone who gets it! I lost my beloved husband, my soulmate, my best friend, 3 years ago to cancer and I have been struggling with well meaning friends ever since. I do not want to be fixed, I want to be accepted. When you have loved someone with all your heart for 4 decades, you don't get over the loss. It's not a dark tunnel you have to pass through, it's a permanent fork in the road you are forced to take. You learn to live with it but you don't get over it. I have one person -one- that has faithfully come and spent time with me, just being with me talking about whatever, so I'm not alone, and it means so much to me. Everyone else wants to change me or else not be around me. I have told people, I know you mean well but this is not helpful, and they get offended. I have told them, I earned this grief by loving deeply and I have a right to feel it. They are offended that I am in pain. It's a very lonely walk, the walk of grief.
I remember 15 years ago when I had a broken heart and told my friend about what happened. Long story short, I was dumped while my feelings for her were at their peak. "You deserve better", he said, meaning well. I didn't want better, I just wanted her. No help there.
I have suffered grief and loss during much of my life and I can tell you that 'cheer up' or 'it'll be ok' hurts to hear from anyone, most of who I heard it from were people that didn't understand or didn't want to understand the pain I was going through. It started in high school where the vast majority of us don't understand, we haven't been through these experiences yet, luckily for most people. I just wanted someone to acknowledge that my heart had been destroyed, I just needed someone to listen to me, that it was ok to be angry, sad, lost. As an adult I've been through the loss of a pregnancy five times, trust me having someone tell me that it'll be ok, I can try again later, I'm young and it can still happen for me. Those words just cut like a knife through my heart and soul. Sometimes if you aren't sure what to say it really is better to not give advice, just listen.
The worst was everyone "being strong" for me when my husband died. I so badly wanted someone to grieve with me but they were so focused on "remaining strong" for me that it made the loneliest time in my life 100 times lonelier.
I can always commiserate. I think that is the best response: misery loves company.
You can't beat, "I am so sorry." Really, that says all the person wants to hear.
Load More Replies...
I agree. Telling someone to cheer up sounds like telling them you're uncomfortable near them and that they have to fix it asap by cheering up. In other words, it sounds very selfish.
Yes, exactly. They don't realize it or mean it that way but they have no idea what it's like. You never do until it happens to you.
Load More Replies... That last comment is very disrespectful. People who say 'cheer up' are not always 'not a safe person' or 'don't want to know/don't care'. They are often people who don't know how to help someone, who genuinely care, but never learned how to deal with other people's pain. They themselves were always comforted by others saying 'cheer up' and even though it might not have helped them, they know no other way to react. They're still good people.
Saying that someone is 'not a safe person' to share grief, sadness or depression with is not the same as saying that someone is a bad person, just that they do not possess the skills for handling the situation. In the same way my butcher is not a safe person to approach for open heart surgery. My four year old niece is not a safe person to ask to chauffeur for me. Good people, but not safe in certain situations.
Load More Replies... People need to go through pain, it's a part of life - it's the same with depression. Let people cry, scream and shout - it will make them feel better. It makes people feel worse when you pester them, tell them to smile or cheer up. Crying is one of the best medicines for any situation.
When it comes to grief and loss, "I am sorry you are hurting." Is often better than "Feel better soon."
"We try to cheer people up because we think that is our job" No, we try to cheer people up because we (of Western European influence) try to avoid unpleasant feelings (our own and other's) at all cost. We lack emotional literacy and stuff our feelings and expect others to do the same.
This is so true, and it's so nice to hear someone who gets it! I lost my beloved husband, my soulmate, my best friend, 3 years ago to cancer and I have been struggling with well meaning friends ever since. I do not want to be fixed, I want to be accepted. When you have loved someone with all your heart for 4 decades, you don't get over the loss. It's not a dark tunnel you have to pass through, it's a permanent fork in the road you are forced to take. You learn to live with it but you don't get over it. I have one person -one- that has faithfully come and spent time with me, just being with me talking about whatever, so I'm not alone, and it means so much to me. Everyone else wants to change me or else not be around me. I have told people, I know you mean well but this is not helpful, and they get offended. I have told them, I earned this grief by loving deeply and I have a right to feel it. They are offended that I am in pain. It's a very lonely walk, the walk of grief.
I remember 15 years ago when I had a broken heart and told my friend about what happened. Long story short, I was dumped while my feelings for her were at their peak. "You deserve better", he said, meaning well. I didn't want better, I just wanted her. No help there.
I have suffered grief and loss during much of my life and I can tell you that 'cheer up' or 'it'll be ok' hurts to hear from anyone, most of who I heard it from were people that didn't understand or didn't want to understand the pain I was going through. It started in high school where the vast majority of us don't understand, we haven't been through these experiences yet, luckily for most people. I just wanted someone to acknowledge that my heart had been destroyed, I just needed someone to listen to me, that it was ok to be angry, sad, lost. As an adult I've been through the loss of a pregnancy five times, trust me having someone tell me that it'll be ok, I can try again later, I'm young and it can still happen for me. Those words just cut like a knife through my heart and soul. Sometimes if you aren't sure what to say it really is better to not give advice, just listen.
The worst was everyone "being strong" for me when my husband died. I so badly wanted someone to grieve with me but they were so focused on "remaining strong" for me that it made the loneliest time in my life 100 times lonelier.
I can always commiserate. I think that is the best response: misery loves company.
You can't beat, "I am so sorry." Really, that says all the person wants to hear.
Load More Replies... 
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