30 Times People Received Marriage Advice That Sounded Absurd, But They Later Realized Was Spot-On
Oh… that sweet happily ever after! When you have butterflies in your stomach, and love is in the air as if you were living in a James Blunt music video. Well, actually, people who have lived a married life at some point in their lives, or still do, unanimously agree on the fact that this is not what marriage is about.
Unlike falling in love, living the married life takes teamwork, commitment and a lot of conforming. Maybe even more than you were willing to give when you were single. So hey, it’s hard, but it’s also worth it. This thread from the Ask Men subreddit shows exactly that.
“What random marriage advice sounded absurd but was actually spot-on helpful?” someone asked, sparking an illuminating thread about this challenging yet very rewarding game called life: marriage edition.
This post may include affiliate links.
Dad said “Be kind even if you’re not feeling it. Maybe *especially* if you’re not feeling it.”
Most of the time you spend together is going to be non-sexual, so the most important thing is to be best friends. Otherwise, it won't last.
I love having a goofy fun time with my husband. He is my best friend and we have a lot of fun!! Highly recommend this!
Marry him for who he is. Not his potential.
This needs to be voted to the top!!! Don't ever stay with someone because of who think they *could* become...Stay with them because you adore who they are at that moment!!
The point of arguing is not to win. It's to understand where they’re coming from and why this issue matters to them.
It's totally OK to sleep in separate beds...or even separate rooms if that's what works for you. I am not going to be a good partner if I only get four hours of sleep because I was listening to him snore all night, or if jobs require different sleeping schedules and you take a while to get to sleep
My husband sleeps in the living room because he has a super-loud C-PAP machine. It blows air into my face every time he moves. He’s waiting for a replacement that is quieter, but in the meantime, I have to get some sleep!
Be honest. Don't lie to your partner.
Never assume - Communicate. This means active listening to respect your partner. Married 30+ years. Both my partner and I come from horribly broken backgrounds.
Have separate duvets or blankets on the same bed. I can wrap myself up nice and snug, and she can move around all night without bothering me.
It's ok to go to bed angry.
We've always been told not to go to bed angry but sometimes a night of sleep can change your perspective and help with resolution.
My grandfather told me " Never go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink" . What I learned is that he would always help my grandma and that is when they did their most talking
I live alone and I do that too. It makes making a decent breakfast a lot more appealing the next morning.
On our wedding day, my father-in-law said, 'Always remember it's the two of you against the problem, not you two against one another.' It's been great advice, especially when we disagree. Focusing on this piece of advice has calmed a lot of arguments over the years.
Looks fade, marry someone who you enjoy talking to. -grandma
I also feel strongly about this one.
Find someone who is ok with you both having separate hobbies. My wife does her thing and I have my hobby. We share some hobbies, but we are ok with spending time apart too. We don't have to always do them together. I couldn't imagine marrying a woman who needed to do every single thing I did just to be around me. She needs to have her own life and I love not forcing her into the nerdy stuff I enjoy.
'Don’t worry about what other people think is 'normal.' I’ve been married for almost 20 years, and this piece of insight has made all the difference. You don't need to conform to society’s standards. Do what works for you and your partner in a marriage.
Ever notice how many people are willing to say "others" are "weird/crazy/abnormal" yet believe they're "normal" - Meanwhile the "others" are doing the reverse... We're all likely crazy, though it's not a competition :-P
'Never ask your partner to make a sacrifice for you that you wouldn’t make for them if the roles were reversed.
This is beautiful advice. It reminds me of someone I knew once, a Catholic priest. One of his parishioners asked him to put the word out to the whole parish that she needed a kidney transplant. He ended up giving her his own kidney! I asked him why he did it, and he said he wasn't willing to ask his parishioners to do something that he wouldn't do himself!
When our kid was about to be born, someone told me to change the first diaper. "If you can handle the first one, the others will be easy." So I did. I didn't know what I was doing, so I asked the nurse at the hospital to teach me, and I changed the first several few diapers while my wife recovered from a difficult labor.
The advice was correct, no other diaper was as disgusting as the first one. It got very easy and I never minded doing it, and my wife was really really grateful. And I loved that I could take on some of the parenting chores, since there was so much that she was the only one... equipped to provide.
Yes. Divide parenting as equal as possible early on. Otherwise you WILL resent your non-birthing partner. Yes, as a mom you will probably take maternity leave first and probably for a longer time. If you are breastfeeding you will probably take most nights and spend a lot of time with them as babies, but that doesn't mean dads/non-birthing partners should be excluded. They can still bond with baby in a carrier, change most diapers, fix food (so you can do all that nursing), do baby/child clothes shopping and research for the best car seat ETC. And take some paternity leave alone with baby (PLEASE do that). When one parent is on parental leave they have responsibility for the child the hrs the partner work. All other hrs you share 50/50. That goes with housework too. It will be much better for the relationship and for your child who will bond equally with both parents.
The advice I’ve given people is this: if you can go grocery shopping with your person and have the best time ever, you have yourself a keeper. It’s all about making the best of the mundane things, because after years of being together, life becomes predictable. You’ll need to keep the spice going, regardless of what you’re doing.
Source: married 15 years.
I must be headed for divorce then. I can't stand it when my husband comes to the supermarket with me. It takes forever.
My fiance always says that "just because" flowers are the best kind of flowers.
A meme when I was first getting married was, "Happy wife, happy life". Which has some degree of accuracy.
But much later, I learned the better version, which I should have been more considerate of: "Happy Spouse, Happy House".
My father always said that the best thing he and my mother did for their marriage was get a king-sized bed. I always thought it was ridiculous advice until recently, when my wife and I needed a new bed. We spent the extra money on a king, and I'll be damned if that wasn't one of the best decisions we have made. The extra room is amazing: We can snuggle or have some space, and when our kids try and get in bed, there's enough room that no one is getting a foot to the face.
'The grass is greener when you water it.' This one always stuck with me. Your relationship is what you make of it, and it will be happier if you put love and effort into it.
Actually, conventional wisdom when I was growing up was "The grass is ALWAYS greener over the septic tank"...because c**p makes great fertilizer. (Title of a book by humor writer Erma Bombeck.)
One of my colonels told me: “just buy two damn pizzas, instead of arguing over the toppings.”
Moma said "don't come whinning to me about your wife, go talk to her"....and don't spend your time complaining to ANY one about your SO. If you need advice, ask, but no talking down about your SO, chances are they have a long list of complaints too.
Retain your individuality and have separate hobbies even after you're married. Have time apart. Have separate activities. This will allow you to have experiences you can talk about and share with each other. It will give you time apart so you don't feel smothered.
My step mom just passed away, and dad said something that has profoundly changed my attitude:
>"The little things that annoyed me are the things I now miss"
So, like, yea... for some reason she squeezes a massive glob of toothpaste which mostly falls into the sink basin and she doesn't wash away the toothpaste spit... f*****g annoys me.
*If/when she's gone, that little constant annoyance that reminds me she's there will be gone too.*
Don't nag on the little things, rather, embrace them. (still, let her know ... she has made progress on other things I've pointed out, as I try to adapt to her wishes).
My dad married a nice lady after my mom passed away. He told me, “She (current wife) is so calm. I sort of miss the conflicts I had with your mom.”
When an argument is brewing stop and eat something, you may just be hungry.
You don't just marry her, you marry her whole damn family.
My family used to be great, sadly the dynamics can change (very complex). I allow my husband to avoid them. Not his fault I came with them.
Love isn’t about having “nice feelings for each other.” It’s about acting for the betterment of someone else, even if you don’t feel like it. Emotions will change. Your willingness to treat your spouse a certain way doesn’t have to.
Man, every single one of these bits of advice should be joint first!
Mine is almost the exact opposite. My husband snores really loud. I started sleeping separately and we have a much better relationship now. Probably because I'm not constantly sleep deprived. We both fought it so hard for so long because there is this idea that only unhappy couples sleep apart from each other. The truth is, you've got to do what works for the both of you and not worry about preconceived notions about intimacy, etc.
I sort of agree. I'm a bit ish on intimacy though. Yes it saves resentment with the snoring, and yes you could have sex in another room. But I do miss midnight/morning cuddling and other morning stuff...But yeah, overall it's worth it and often the only option!
Grandma said "love is like coffee. Sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's cold, sometimes it's sweet, sometimes it's bitter. No matter how you like it, it is good. But it's only great when you get it 'the way you like it'. Make sure you get what you want".
Managing each other’s expectations as you go up and down sounds odd but makes a difference
Whoever cares the most gets to choose (within reason obviously). Maybe you don't care which restaurant you eat at tonight, so you let her choose. But maybe when your parents come to visit, you care a lot about where you take them. Then you choose.
Don't share your arguments with your family. It will paint a bad image of your spouse.
This is VERY true and will cause more annoying issues than you need in life.
Marry your best friend — the person you like to have random conversations with, who interests you, who makes you laugh a lot. Marry the one you can spend all your time with, the one who will support you in tough times and good times. That is 'the one'.
There are certain words, certain tone of voice, etc. that you can use on your children, a friend, a subordinate or even your boss, but which you just shouldn't use on your spouse.
Always act like it's the last time you'll see them. Cause it might be. My mother passed last year at 45 from her second bout with cancer. Middle of the night, my dad said he's glad he stayed up later to spend a few more minutes with her. To tell her he loved her. You never know when you'll never see them again.
Also pride doesn't belong in your marriage, if you have any self pride leave it at the door both you and your partner serve each other and support each other, each putting the other first and accept that they are giving it their all even if their all isn't what it was last month.
After having a baby you will fight and argue a lot. You will both be exhausted from lack of sleep, and that causes high emotions. It won’t last. Be aware it’s coming. Do the best you can to work together.
Yeah. The first 3yrs especially will be child first relationship later. Make your relationship strong enough before baby comes (especially during pregnancy- use that time to really bond and prepare) to make it through that.
My dad used to tell me this. “You can only control two things in this life. Your thoughts and your actions. The rest is out of your control and you need to let it go.”
I used to think it was so stupid when I was a kid but man has it been spot on as I became an adult.
Randomly give your partner a cold beverage on a hot day. It's the little things that show you care.
My mom told me once (still can’t decide if this is good or bad- I think just realistic, which helped me!): “if you’re expecting 50/50 all the time you’re going to be disappointed a lot. Sometimes it’s 60/40, sometimes it’s 70/30, sometimes it’s 90/10. You’ll have times where he’s doing it all, and he’ll have times where you’re doing it all.” I think what she meant was basically “marriage is (hopefully) long. Don’t keep score.”
Gratitude is not a balancing act. Don't just be grateful for the 'extra' things your spouse does; be grateful for every single thing. You can shop for food, prepare it, cook it, clear the table, and load the dishwasher. But if your partner empties the dishwasher, thank them for it and feel it.
Know each other's love language. And your own! You could pour your heart into something that you would appreciate receiving (whether it's gifts, time, conversation, touch, etc.) and have it fall flat because your partner responds more naturally to something else.
I chose a partner who naturally has the same love languages as me. I've never been happier!
If you're doing marriage right, the 'dating phase' of your relationship never ends
“Don’t criticise each other’s driving - it leads down a dark path”
So true. The only time we get tense with each other is when he provides constant “guidance” on my driving. It’s gotten to where I sometimes dread going on long drives with him, cause I know that although I’m the one behind the wheel, he’s trying to direct how fast I’m going, what lane I’m in, which cars to get around, and the constant cry to “make the light, make the light.” (I need to drive because I get easily carsick. So it’s always a choice between being queasy or being irritated.)
The whole "women talk to share emotions not to find solutions" still feels totally bizarre and wrong to me but it works so well it's like a cheat code or something.
What I like to do when my partner rants to me is ask "what do you need right now, comfort or advice?" Works like a charm every time
Get blankets that are bigger than your bed size. Queen size bed? Get King sized comforter. No more fighting for cover while sleeping
Keep an extra throw blanket at foot of bed incase one of you requires it.
At my wedding my wife's Grandmother offered so funny, weird, solid advice. She said, " If you get angery with each other, go to bed naked and see if you can resolve it before you go to sleep" So far, so good. Anniversary on Monday!
Meh about that. Sex is not always the solution and it could just as easily escalate issues if you put pressure on having sex when one of you/both isn't really up for it.
Don't marry a woman that has horses. She will always be broke, you will never be first, and your schedule will revolve around feedings.
Pop, who married a woman that had horses.
This is one I developed myself about 10 years ago.
Don't forget to breathe.
Your relationship was founded on your individuality. If you are not taking time to be yourselves as individuals, you are not maintaining yourselves and eroding the foundation of you relationship and your life. There is a reason most employers provide vacation. Time to get away from the grindstone, reset, recharge, and breathe. Same thing for your relationships. When you are together, you are a couple. When you are with the kids, you are parents. At work, you are working. There is a reason things like guy's/girl's night, man caves, and craft rooms exist. To take time apart, build individually, and appreciate your time together more. This is true of all relationships, romantic, parental, vocational, and personal.
If you're not breathing, you're not doing much.
Grab each other's butts as often as possible. Keep the flirtation alive.
The best advice I ever got is to have realistic expectations of one another. Lofty expectations that go unmet are the root of unhappiness.
...or at least share a goal where your relationship is going. If you have different goals you could compromise about a shared one so you know what you as a couple will work on (I believe relationships need to constantly evolve as we change). Don't expect your partner to just know your expectations without telling them.
As Rita Rudner said about changing your SO, “That pie’s baked. If you want a different flavor, get a different pie.”
Great advice! Been married 27 years & he has changed but not into anyone I desired other than the growth of the man I loved and still love and married.
My mom told me this once,
>S**t happens. No matter how bad it is between you and your spouse, never let anyone know your problems other than your spouse.
When we told our problems, especially to a different sex, that'd be another problem coming in. That's where the third person arises.
Exception: a therapist. Go to marriage counseling BEFORE things get really bad.
Decide whether or not a fight is really worth having. Think: 'If it doesn't matter tomorrow, does it really matter today?
I disagree. If it matters to you now, makes you feel unvalued perhaps, and your partner doesn't know or care, then it will happen again. Maybe not a fight, but you should speak up.
Don’t marry a woman whose dad calls her “princess”, because she probably believes it.
Much to his regret, my brother ignored this advice from our dad.
My grandma told me that she wished she had been a tart (ie a bit slutty) before she got married. Sow your wild oats whilst you are young and single!!!
“Marry someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life”
I can’t help it. She’s tiny and adorable when she’s mad.
Focus on tackling the problem, not each other
If you don't agree on religion, then walk away.
If your atheist don't marry a heavily religious person. You'll get sick of hearing "it's God will" or "He (God) has a plan for you."
The reverse you don't want your spouse to be invalidating or questioning or attacking your beliefs.
Said because "Christain values are meant to make a good partner" - Society (at least the one I'm from).
My dad asked me 10 minutes before getting married if I was sure I wanted to do this and said I can back out now if I wanted to. I should have listened. My marriage lasted 8 years, yet my parents have been married 60 years now!
Marriage is like a business. Most fail. Some are exceptional. Discuss and set some goals. And definitely get your financial house in order.
I got 2 king beds pushed together. Mega bed. I got a very bad back and am 6' 8" so i need my space when i sleep.
Don’t have too high of expectations. My dad told us that, but we found most of our early fights were when one or the other had unspoken expectations of the other or marriage. It is positively life changing to be married, and an amazing experience, but still life goes on.
My dad told me "No matter how right you are about something - stay silent and let her rattle. She'll run out of steam eventually.
You've said nothing you regret, nothing that can be held against you, and she's smart enough to figure out you were right, completely on her own.
If you're wrong: admit it, apologize, and shut up.
Either way, let her talk. Clearly women don't fart; therefore we let them vent through b****ing, so they don't explode."
They were married for 40 years. He did something right.
My parents separated about 3 months after their 50th anniversary. Longevity, especially among the older generations, is sometimes just a sign of "But I can't get DIVORCED!" M mother told me later that she knew their marriage was a mistake after 6 months. But instead of leaving him then, she stayed with him, had 2 kids, made their childhoods hell with all the bickering, and then left him in the end anyway. Just get it over with.
From my sister:your not always IN love but you always love
From my uncle: be careful what you say when your pissed you can’t always take it back
Both were married till the day they died and my uncle was happily married. My advice is it’s about commitment we are committed to spending the rest of our lives together through all the bad times.
Before I was married I had an irregular heart beat due to single-guy life choices.
Doctor prescribed meds for it, but told me the best option is to get married.
Now I'm married --- i.e. regular sleeping schedule, eat healthy meals at home, drink less, lost weight -- and no more heart problem.
Married men live longer than unmarried men. Unmarried women live longer than married women. Hmmm.
Its okay to do what you want to do. If your wife or gf wants you to do what she is but you want to do something else. Its okay to go do your own thing. Most times they will become intrested and come find you.
Don't wait until you're "Ready". If you love each other, and it feels right, do it.
My wife’s nonna: when you have children you life is over.
No. It isn't. It will be sort of on pause for a bit but not over. The first years are child first, very intensely - yes. But children do grow up. As they reach 7-8 or so they are much more independent and can put on clothes by themselves (that one much sooner) do some chores and fix their own stuff for school and activities etc. You start to get your life back and live WITH children and not for all their needs 24/7. It will get easier so don't scare people. And it's also the point of share parenting. Make sure to divide time equally to get to do something individually to make you feel like a person, could be going to the gym for example. Your life is far from over permanently. Don't be a martyr for your kids. Don't stop having fun. Share responsibility. Unhappy parents lead to unhappy kids.
Your money is NOT their money & theirs is not yours. Share expenses not bank accounts.
You should have a shared account, and individual accounts. Pay an agreed proportion of your income into the shared account, and all shared expenses come from that. Everyone should have their own as well, because the two of you are not going to agree on every purchase and budgeting decision, and shouldn't have to.
"collars and leashes work just as well for your b***h as they do your dog"
-80+ year old great uncle at my wedding.
"Touching need be about more than just sex man, you got to touch for the sake of love and connection."
-20 year old drug dealer at my wedding
The 80-year-old uncle who calls your bride a b***h isn't exactly a good model to follow, now, is he?
Wives need their husband’s love, then their respect, husbands need their wife’s respect, then their love.
Wow, I hear a phone ring, that must be the 50s wanting their attitude back.
No matter how long you are married, never forget your wife's name. Especially when banging her donkey style.
"Have a threesome before you get married or marry a chick who likes tits as much as you!"
- Dad
~RIP~
This is toxic masculinity right there. Not all men (actually) prioritize sex and to get to keep have sex with other women as the most important thing in marriage.
So much of this resonates with me. I thought my ex was the one for me. We were together for 8 years, but I think we were over by year 6 or so. There are so many things both of us could have done better. I don't ever want to get back with him, though, I'm trying to think of the whole experience as a lesson. I learned a lot about myself as a result and am currently working on making myself better. I have been in therapy for about a year and counting and have high hopes of someday finding someone who is actually right for me, but taking my time. I'm terribly lonely, but I don't want to rush into anything. I think that was the first mistake my ex and I made. Anyway, thank for reading my ramblings, whoever reads this.
Your story resonates with me. It’s comforting to hear my experience is not unique and it makes me feel less alone and more confident that my new path on my own is the right one at this time. Working on myself first is my primary concern too. Thank you for sharing snd much luck in your journey.
Load More Replies...
Lots of people giving lots of intake based on their personal experience. I guess all people are different and what works for one couple doesn't have to work for the next. So I'd take some of the advice given here with a grain of salt.
I always take these lists with a grain of salt - as you said, everyone is different. What works for some won't work for everyone, but sometimes a different viewpoint can be essential to a relationship.
Load More Replies...
So much of this resonates with me. I thought my ex was the one for me. We were together for 8 years, but I think we were over by year 6 or so. There are so many things both of us could have done better. I don't ever want to get back with him, though, I'm trying to think of the whole experience as a lesson. I learned a lot about myself as a result and am currently working on making myself better. I have been in therapy for about a year and counting and have high hopes of someday finding someone who is actually right for me, but taking my time. I'm terribly lonely, but I don't want to rush into anything. I think that was the first mistake my ex and I made. Anyway, thank for reading my ramblings, whoever reads this.
Your story resonates with me. It’s comforting to hear my experience is not unique and it makes me feel less alone and more confident that my new path on my own is the right one at this time. Working on myself first is my primary concern too. Thank you for sharing snd much luck in your journey.
Load More Replies... Lots of people giving lots of intake based on their personal experience. I guess all people are different and what works for one couple doesn't have to work for the next. So I'd take some of the advice given here with a grain of salt.
I always take these lists with a grain of salt - as you said, everyone is different. What works for some won't work for everyone, but sometimes a different viewpoint can be essential to a relationship.
Load More Replies...