Woman Who Unpopularly Decided To Never Have Children Reflects On It Now That She’s 85 Years Old
Even though an astonishing number of people don’t feel, and have never felt, the urge to become a parent, the pressure to have kids is still tremendous. Any person who has made this profound decision about leading a child-free life can tell you it’s usually met in two different ways. One, people mutter a series of condescending phrases such as “oh” or “you’ll change your mind”. Two, they actually take you seriously and instantly warn you that you’ll be lonely and regret it when you’re old.
Speaking of the latter scenario, one open letter on the ‘Childfree’ subreddit put this notion to bed once and for all. An 85-year-old widow addressed the young people of this community, shared her experience, and proudly stated that she has zero regrets about her choice. Being married for 50 years, she offered her perspective and some validating words of wisdom.
“If I could go back in time, would I do it again? (being childfree), 100% yes. I would live the same life one thousand times,” the woman wrote. Her story sparked a discussion in the comments below, with responses ranging from kudos to appreciation. Scroll down to read the story in full and the reactions that followed.
For some reason, people who decide to lead a childfree life often hear they’ll regret it once they’re old and alone
Image credits: sabinevanerpt (not the actual photo)
So when this 85-year-old widow shared an open letter about her childfree experience, people felt incredibly validated
Image credits: Design_Miss_C (not the actual photo)
Image credits: widowchildfree
In the past few decades, accusatory statements have started flying around blaming younger generations for having fewer kids than ever. According to the World Economic Forum, fertility rates have steadily decreased worldwide for the last 70 years, with a total 50% decline. Small wonder then, why childfree people are met with resistance from society.
The reasons for people having fewer children are plenty: women’s empowerment, particularly in education and the workforce, lower child mortality rates, and the increased cost of raising children. The dire reality is that kids are expensive in an economy that’s only getting more and more costly. They are a luxury many simply cannot afford.
Aside from these factors, there’s a running trend among childfree individuals to say they opt out of parenthood for no reason in particular. A survey by Pew Research Center found that a majority (56%) of American non-parents younger than 50 said it’s unlikely they will ever have kids simply because they don’t want to, while others reported medical, financial, or environmental reasons.
While everybody has their own motives for staying childfree, unfortunately, those who decide not to have children are still subjected to stigma. This usually stems from the fact that many people are still being raised to follow the usual path of getting an education, a job, a house, a spouse, and, ultimately, children. But as the woman wrote in her letter, it doesn’t have to be this way.
To gain more insight on the topic, we reached out to Erin Spurling, a writer, editor, and founder of Curiously Childfree. She set up this space to build a supportive community where she can leave a mark, advocate for change, help people feel heard and connect with each other.
According to her, sharing experiences with others can definitely help people to feel more confident in their decision. “For women, in particular, we very much have a window of opportunity to have our own biological children, and I think sometimes even those who choose to be childfree can worry about regretting it later,” she told Bored Panda.
“That combined with family and friends (and sometimes strangers) always telling us we will regret it can be a daunting thought. Hearing from someone much older who has chosen the same path as you can be very reassuring.”
Later on, the woman joined the discussion in the comments to clarify a few details
The number of childfree communities is steadily growing. No wonder, as people who consistently deal with social stigma are sick and tired of others telling them reasons they should have kids, how much they’ll rue their decision, or how “selfish” they are for failing to pass along their genes and contribute to society. When friends and family fail them, the internet steps up to offer support.
“Finding like-minded people absolutely helps you to feel safer, better connected, and it helps when handling difficult conversations. It’s exactly the same for us as it is for parents,” Erin said. “Often, parents will be part of mother-and-baby groups, for example, where they can meet people living a similar life and experiences to them.”
“Connecting with childfree people is the same, you both know you have a shared experience, how you are treated in the world is similar, your opinions and struggles are likely to be the same,” she added. “Plus, you know you won’t be judged for your choice or have your opinions dismissed by someone else who is childfree.”
Erin pointed out that, unfortunately, we still live in a world where women can find themselves feeling excluded for having children and equally excluded for not. “It’s a strange combination — damned if we do, damned if we don’t.”
Although there’s an evident change in attitudes where more and more people are starting to respect individuals who are childfree by choice, a long road still lies ahead. “I’d just like to remind anyone who is childfree that they aren’t alone. It might feel like there’s nobody else out there like you, but I promise there is.”
“Make the decisions that are right for you (and your partner if you have one), and remember that many people have wonderful, fulfilling lives without children. You get to decide what a good life looks like for you, just like this brilliant lady did.”
“And as scary as it might feel to be open about being childfree, sometimes taking that step to sharing it with a new acquaintance can give them the courage to share too, and you’ll find you have a new friend,” Erin concluded.
And here’s what readers had to say
Thank you for this! I'm 50 and have never been married or had children. I get h*ll for it sometimes, but people usually just tell me I'm smart. I've had many love affairs that shaped me into the single woman I became and I'm happier for it. The best thing is I'm still fulfilled and if I do have a "guest" over, he goes home--no cleaning up after him, no listening to him snore, no responsibility at all. I retired from teaching and was always glad if when I was tired when I came home, I knew that if anything needed to be done, I could do it when I felt like it, not immediately because I had no one to "answer" to for anything. Sometimes I do worry about being alone, but I'll worry about that when the time arrives.
Don't worry about being alone; it's not the same as being lonely. It sounds to me like you're already finding fulfillment elsewhere in your life, so the time may *never* come when you have to worry about being alone. Nicely done.
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After 30+ years of people giving me grief for not wanting children it’s really supportive to read such a lovely post! My great aunt was in the land army in WW2 and was married at 26, died at 89, and was quite open about how kids wasn’t going to happen to her. She was seen as ‘odd’ by the family but I miss her and credit her with a lot of my ‘I’m not changing for anyone’ standards.
If your reason for having children is so you'll have built-in nursemaids and companions, then you're doing it wrong. Just like everything else, raising children isn't for everyone. Why can't we just respect other people's choices in this matter?
The best advice I ever got was from my 80+ yr old neighbor. She said 'whenever people bother you about having kids just say "we're trying".' Worked like a charm, people stopped asking.
We had 5 miscarriages works even better.
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I say it's always peoples experiences. My wife and I have a child and it was after many years and conversations. It's hard and rewarding but that doesn't mean it's for everyone and I believe everyone should make their own choice. I have more than a few family members who stayed married and child free their entire lives and have said they regret it. As they got older they had hobbies and traveled but they told me the world is small and sometimes you feel void of some kind of purpose. I am not saying one side is happier than the other what I am saying is I dislike these articles bc it's tricking people into thinking there is a "better" option. What these articles should be is explanations on how people came to their choices, what ways they prepped, pro's and con's to their outcomes, and leave out their own "personal" happiness. Some people are content with hobbies and other people love socializing big style families. People need to look at the whole picture.
This. Also, my take is that the next generation of young parents is more focused on keeping their lives interesting with kids and not "losing" oneself in parenthood, followed by disappointment when the nest is empty and there is a void to fill. When you manage to keep hobbies and a good social network "despite" having children and don't have your life evolve around parenthood alone, I feel that everybody gains something from that, even the children. A good balance is what's needed and an honest reflection of what you really want in life. If that means a childfree life, that's totally ok, of course. But I agree that posts like these are difficult when they a written as if their choice was the better one.
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So good to hear from an older lady not having had children. Now I know currently 30 year old me have made a good decision.
I love this so, so much. My husband and I are child-free by choice (early 40's) and I sometimes wonder what our future will look like. Others always think we'll be lonely with no one to visit us, but that's a selfish reason to have kids. Also, it's clearly possible to have a full life without children at any age. Thank you for posting this! I follow a child-free group on FB, so I will tell them about this.
People with kids are always looking for help. If you get lonely, become volunteer grandparents, there are groups or you local boys and girls club can hook you up!
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I'm in Group A and adore my 2 grown kids - probably now more than i did when they were young. But i fully support those who wish to remain childless. Please, please, for the love of all that's good, don't have children if you don't want them. No one deserves that level of resentment - neither the parent nor the child.
Why do we keep seeing post after post of people having to justify their decision to not have kids six ways to Sunday, but never the other way around?
Because procreation is what life is about. And up til quite recently it was no point of discussion. To me it's actually quite reassuring how quickly it has become easy to speak about this in this time and age. Once you find your people, you can speak freely. But don't claim that it's extraordinary to think procreation was not the way to go for millions of years. That's just silly. It's good to claim that freedom to decide, but don't be arrogant in how conscious we are yet about that. We're not. As a species. So the need for validation is understandable and as expected.
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I used to work in a nursing home and and the amount of residents who never had family visit or who had to die alone because their kids lived too far away was heartbreaking. I love how she said "plan for the worst, but hope for the best." That's excellent advice.
I'm group B and i live feeling guilty about it. If i knew that i would be a single mother of 2 having a ex that turns Earth in Hell, i would never ever have kids, because now I'm connected for years with the person that promises me over and over again that i will end up in a crazy people house and without the kids. So far, so good. But sometimes i ask myself until when i will handle before i get mentally ill on the stress, tears and frustration he causes me.
Your children are still amazing humans though, regardless - and SO ARE YOU. Yes, bloody tough to be tied to the git but it's done. Anything he has to say sounds like it's a lot of c**p and not worth listening to as he's an idiot. His opinions about you count for nothing. You can't let his view colour who you are and how you parent - your children need better than that. If he cared enough about his children he would bolster and support you. He's a git. He might be the world's most annoying git but he's not worth getting mentally ill over. I do hope you will be okay. Hugs 🤗
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I love my daughter to pieces but I never wanted kids. My husband did, so we compromised and decided if it happened we'd have one (not trying and still on pills as I had endo). We went through hell and back. I miscarried twice; once before my daughter which I needed surgery afterwards and once after. Pills do nothing for me it seems since all the pregnancies happened while I was on different ones (I stopped taking them when I found out I was pregnant of course). The latter brought on a nightmare of problems. Essentially I started bleeding and wouldn't stop. I nearly bled to death before doctors agreed to give me a hysterectomy but not before I got the "you'll regret it" speech from the doctor, the nurse, and family. My husband took on the brunt of it while I was in hospital awaiting the surgery. And after? Well I'm now getting the "you can adopt" speech from everyone. What I'm getting at is, you'll always get pushback so you do you. Don't question your decision. It's yours to make.
It sounds like you don't have at least one person to back you up on your choices, and I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you've been to hell and back, and still have people putting their expectations upon you. I will say this: I think the full, final choice to have a child should be the woman's choice - yes, even in a marriage. Absolutely talk about it with your partner, sleep on it, talk some more, but in the end it is the woman's body and life that is affected the most, and the longest.
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Husband and I are the same. No kids. Just do what we like. Have some cats. Go places. Enjoy the nieces nephews and grand kids of them too. Yeah I won't have someone to come now my lawn or check in on me. They don't anyway now even. I'm gonna leave everything physical I have to a homeless shelter when I'm gone so others can enjoy or use my stuff. Money to animal shelters. House to whoever bothers to visit me or call me the most before I go to dust.
Like anything else in life, having kids is a calling. My 9 month old is the absolute light of my life, I've found my purpose and joy with her. But she is work! 24/7. I love and embrace that. And I recognize that not everyone can be called to that or find their purpose in it. We are not all engineers, or doctors, or teachers. We have different callings. Nothing wrong with that. No one should be pressured into a purpose or "job" that doesn't fit them. It only hurts the kids and no one is happy.
Child free by choice. I have only one “regret”, technically not my regret, it was my dad who waited until several years after menopause to comment wistfully what a shame it was I didn’t donate those eggs I had no use for. In hindsight, I couldn’t care less about a genetic legacy, which is where he came from, but I do wish I had thought “I really don’t want to use these but for a couple who would give anything to have children, they could mean everything.” So, yea. If you have no use for them and decent genetics, look into donating.
Thank you! I’m 49 and have zero regrets on not having children. I love your breakdown of groups. I have so many friends that spend 95% of their time on their children’s school,sports,clubs,transportation. I know so many that are not financially set, due to the cost of children. I see so many friends posts with their children as if they are best friends with them…. Just wait till they leave the nest. I too saw friends in group A, but it was the smallest group and I didn’t like the odds. I’ve enjoyed reading the comments especially ones that mention “taking care of”,” owing/payback”, & legacy. I think childless individuals are too busy living their best lives, they have plenty of money to plan ahead. Thanks again!❤️
Possibly my neurodivergent brain, but I've never thought "Oh my life is not hard enough... I know, I'll have kids!" Never regretted my choice!
I don't care if people decide to have kids or not. This sub reddit thread, however, is fake. I believe it was written by someone who works in healthcare and has "interview" child-free people, but the writing is not reflective of an 85-year-old woman. I'm a nurse and I work with the elderly. Most (over 95%) don't even have a cell phone, let alone know how to negotiate a computer. Why must people make stuff up to validate the feelings? As I said, I couldn't care less if you decide not to have kids, but don't make stuff up to make yourself feel better.
I think it's "to each his own". Some people get happy being child free. Some would prefer children - nurturing them to continue their families' legacy and community building. To each his own - we owe to our selves to plan (regardless if child free family or not) and know the purpose of life and not being selfish to personal wishes and wants. If it's for a 2 cent advice, I would always prefer a family with child nurtured good enough so I could continue to fill this world with our legacy not only in thoughts but also in deeds. As added bonus, there's no amount of happiness playing with your baby, seeing them grow up to be the person you would like them to be and become meaningful part of the community a family man with children could only share.
My husband and I are 58 and childless by choice. Every time we're watching a movie with some bratty teen behaving badly we high-five each other and say "dodged THAT bullet!" It really is a relief to have escaped the parenthood trap.
Exactly. I don't want kids because I wouldn't want to worry about them missing my death, or making them sad. I personally feel I would not be a good parent and I would ruin there lives. I'm harsh when I get mad. And kids can make me very impatient. Even if they are not trying to. I would know, I have 4 siblings. I would also worry about my husband (if I had one cause I'm a single Pringle.). Like so much responsibility comes with kids. And I would suck at it. As I heard before "they are better when they ain't yours". I can make my own legacy without kids. And I mean, eventually I will be an Aunt (my sister said she wants to start having kids when she turns 23). So I would honestly just be the "cool" aunt then the "horrible" mother
While I was married to my ex, one of our SIL's relatives made the asinine comment while looking at me, "You ain't a real woman if you never had a baby." I laughed in her face, then looked at her poor daughter who was dirty and infected with ringworm. I told my MIL that I would try for kids (no eff'n way!) when her son and I could afford them. She responded with, "Then you'll never have them!" GOOD. I'm very happy to not have kids. If I want to play with children, there are plenty in our neighborhood and the parents know & trust us to interact with them.
I do hope for kids and married with two stepsons, but I really hope to never let my kids ever be concerned about taking care of me when I'm old. I've told my husband my stepsons are not to be brought in on my end of life plans and any child I have I hope to have everything set up so it's just them giving the go ahead to do it all. My parents are doing the same, prepping for their end of days, putting down all of the financials so none of it falls on us kids. I really appreciate this person's POV because I did wonder a few of these things myself.
I think this is nice and thanks for sharing this. It really does put things into perspective for parents and non-parents alike. I’ve found being a mum the most rewarding and satisfying thing I’ve ever done, but this article is an eye opener. I can’t expect them to take care of us in our old age or have an expectations of the “time invested” and expect that back. Man was that a powerful statement
I'm now 70, child free by default---daughter died at birth, her big brother in an accident 16 years ago when he was 31---and have been divorced for over 40 years (NEVER AGAIN!!) I never, ever planned on having my children take care of me in my older years, but of course, dau couldn't as she never got to live. Son and I discussed such things, and I told him I would never ask him to put his life on hold for me. Again, it couldn't have happened since he was killed in an accident when he was only 31 (I was 54). My parents never expected any of us three to take care of them, though we were all very close to them and lived close by, so visited frequently. I can't bother to have regrets--death isn't something I'd have chosen for my children, obviously, and I'm not bothered by the fact that I have very few years left. I know very well there's no heaven humans go to, nor is there hell, and knowing what does happen means I'm at peace being alone. I have enough, and that's plenty.
I always respect anyone's decision about children. It's their life and they should live it how they want. The only issue I see is that there seem to be two camps: living a child free life and doing whatever you desire in life, or having children and letting that be your defining attribute. My wife and I found what we find to be a happy medium. We didn't find each other and get married until we were 40-ish. We had full lives, professional careers, and had reached financial stability. We wanted, and had, one child. I'll be 60 when she graduates high school. Rather than being a burden, she's someone we can share our adventures with. We've travelled, explored cultured, and learned. She's been a wonderful child and not an anchor. Sure, there are drawbacks at having a child at our age : we do wear out faster than younger parents. We won't be around as long for her as my parents were for me. But our time together has been wonderful. NOT an attempt to convert others!
I think it's "to each his own". Some people get happy being child free. Some would prefer children - nurturing them to continue their families' legacy and community building. To each his own - we owe to our selves to plan (regardless if child free family or not) and know the purpose of life and not being selfish to personal wishes and wants. If it's for a 2 cent advice, I would always prefer a family with child nurtured good enough so I could continue to fill this world with our legacy not only in thoughts but also in deeds.
And when you die ... you're gone. Poof. Having some part of me live on after I die was one of the reasons I decided to have kids. Just ... a little bit of me :-) Hope they don't screw it up :-D
What difference does it make though? Seriously? A bit of you here or not? I have no problem with people deciding one way or another but sometimes the reasons baffle me.
Load More Replies... I agree that someone can and should be able to have a happy childfree life. I do recent her groups of people. I very much appreciate having kids, many parts of my life are interesting and fulfilling, but I don't want to claim it's roses and sunshine at all. Many other factors besides children can make life hard. My husband and I both lost our parents early. He was an orphan by 20, my last parent died a few years ago while I was in my late thirties. Both my parents were sick for a long time. I am quite the smarty pants and can reason up to great detail about the ambiguity of life, making it absolutely meaningless within our conscious efforts. Life is hard with or without. To me, my kids gave me insight and a reason to look forward. And with me many more. So there are at least two extra groups, the with/without kids and hard lives anyway because of not those kids. And I think that's the biggest group. Because reasons for challenges in life are a plenty.
Good for her. I do wonder about what would happen to someone who wasn't as lucky and got some sort of cognitive impairment. My father is like this. Not bad enough for any sort of professional care, but any time he gets confused about some sort of simple thing (how to write an email, how to pay a bill, that sort of thing), I go over and help him figure things out. Who would help him if he were childfree?
My mother was abusive. My brother and I finally cut off contact with her, and she turned to her sister and niece when her health began to fail. They did what they could, but my mother was a total monster to them as well, and so she ended up dying alone. Children do not owe their parents care by default.
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Odd you took time out of your day to comment then.
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Thank you for this! I'm 50 and have never been married or had children. I get h*ll for it sometimes, but people usually just tell me I'm smart. I've had many love affairs that shaped me into the single woman I became and I'm happier for it. The best thing is I'm still fulfilled and if I do have a "guest" over, he goes home--no cleaning up after him, no listening to him snore, no responsibility at all. I retired from teaching and was always glad if when I was tired when I came home, I knew that if anything needed to be done, I could do it when I felt like it, not immediately because I had no one to "answer" to for anything. Sometimes I do worry about being alone, but I'll worry about that when the time arrives.
Don't worry about being alone; it's not the same as being lonely. It sounds to me like you're already finding fulfillment elsewhere in your life, so the time may *never* come when you have to worry about being alone. Nicely done.
Load More Replies... After 30+ years of people giving me grief for not wanting children it’s really supportive to read such a lovely post! My great aunt was in the land army in WW2 and was married at 26, died at 89, and was quite open about how kids wasn’t going to happen to her. She was seen as ‘odd’ by the family but I miss her and credit her with a lot of my ‘I’m not changing for anyone’ standards.
If your reason for having children is so you'll have built-in nursemaids and companions, then you're doing it wrong. Just like everything else, raising children isn't for everyone. Why can't we just respect other people's choices in this matter?
The best advice I ever got was from my 80+ yr old neighbor. She said 'whenever people bother you about having kids just say "we're trying".' Worked like a charm, people stopped asking.
We had 5 miscarriages works even better.
Load More Replies... I say it's always peoples experiences. My wife and I have a child and it was after many years and conversations. It's hard and rewarding but that doesn't mean it's for everyone and I believe everyone should make their own choice. I have more than a few family members who stayed married and child free their entire lives and have said they regret it. As they got older they had hobbies and traveled but they told me the world is small and sometimes you feel void of some kind of purpose. I am not saying one side is happier than the other what I am saying is I dislike these articles bc it's tricking people into thinking there is a "better" option. What these articles should be is explanations on how people came to their choices, what ways they prepped, pro's and con's to their outcomes, and leave out their own "personal" happiness. Some people are content with hobbies and other people love socializing big style families. People need to look at the whole picture.
This. Also, my take is that the next generation of young parents is more focused on keeping their lives interesting with kids and not "losing" oneself in parenthood, followed by disappointment when the nest is empty and there is a void to fill. When you manage to keep hobbies and a good social network "despite" having children and don't have your life evolve around parenthood alone, I feel that everybody gains something from that, even the children. A good balance is what's needed and an honest reflection of what you really want in life. If that means a childfree life, that's totally ok, of course. But I agree that posts like these are difficult when they a written as if their choice was the better one.
Load More Replies... So good to hear from an older lady not having had children. Now I know currently 30 year old me have made a good decision.
I love this so, so much. My husband and I are child-free by choice (early 40's) and I sometimes wonder what our future will look like. Others always think we'll be lonely with no one to visit us, but that's a selfish reason to have kids. Also, it's clearly possible to have a full life without children at any age. Thank you for posting this! I follow a child-free group on FB, so I will tell them about this.
People with kids are always looking for help. If you get lonely, become volunteer grandparents, there are groups or you local boys and girls club can hook you up!
Load More Replies... I'm in Group A and adore my 2 grown kids - probably now more than i did when they were young. But i fully support those who wish to remain childless. Please, please, for the love of all that's good, don't have children if you don't want them. No one deserves that level of resentment - neither the parent nor the child.
Why do we keep seeing post after post of people having to justify their decision to not have kids six ways to Sunday, but never the other way around?
Because procreation is what life is about. And up til quite recently it was no point of discussion. To me it's actually quite reassuring how quickly it has become easy to speak about this in this time and age. Once you find your people, you can speak freely. But don't claim that it's extraordinary to think procreation was not the way to go for millions of years. That's just silly. It's good to claim that freedom to decide, but don't be arrogant in how conscious we are yet about that. We're not. As a species. So the need for validation is understandable and as expected.
Load More Replies... I used to work in a nursing home and and the amount of residents who never had family visit or who had to die alone because their kids lived too far away was heartbreaking. I love how she said "plan for the worst, but hope for the best." That's excellent advice.
I'm group B and i live feeling guilty about it. If i knew that i would be a single mother of 2 having a ex that turns Earth in Hell, i would never ever have kids, because now I'm connected for years with the person that promises me over and over again that i will end up in a crazy people house and without the kids. So far, so good. But sometimes i ask myself until when i will handle before i get mentally ill on the stress, tears and frustration he causes me.
Your children are still amazing humans though, regardless - and SO ARE YOU. Yes, bloody tough to be tied to the git but it's done. Anything he has to say sounds like it's a lot of c**p and not worth listening to as he's an idiot. His opinions about you count for nothing. You can't let his view colour who you are and how you parent - your children need better than that. If he cared enough about his children he would bolster and support you. He's a git. He might be the world's most annoying git but he's not worth getting mentally ill over. I do hope you will be okay. Hugs 🤗
Load More Replies... I love my daughter to pieces but I never wanted kids. My husband did, so we compromised and decided if it happened we'd have one (not trying and still on pills as I had endo). We went through hell and back. I miscarried twice; once before my daughter which I needed surgery afterwards and once after. Pills do nothing for me it seems since all the pregnancies happened while I was on different ones (I stopped taking them when I found out I was pregnant of course). The latter brought on a nightmare of problems. Essentially I started bleeding and wouldn't stop. I nearly bled to death before doctors agreed to give me a hysterectomy but not before I got the "you'll regret it" speech from the doctor, the nurse, and family. My husband took on the brunt of it while I was in hospital awaiting the surgery. And after? Well I'm now getting the "you can adopt" speech from everyone. What I'm getting at is, you'll always get pushback so you do you. Don't question your decision. It's yours to make.
It sounds like you don't have at least one person to back you up on your choices, and I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you've been to hell and back, and still have people putting their expectations upon you. I will say this: I think the full, final choice to have a child should be the woman's choice - yes, even in a marriage. Absolutely talk about it with your partner, sleep on it, talk some more, but in the end it is the woman's body and life that is affected the most, and the longest.
Load More Replies... Husband and I are the same. No kids. Just do what we like. Have some cats. Go places. Enjoy the nieces nephews and grand kids of them too. Yeah I won't have someone to come now my lawn or check in on me. They don't anyway now even. I'm gonna leave everything physical I have to a homeless shelter when I'm gone so others can enjoy or use my stuff. Money to animal shelters. House to whoever bothers to visit me or call me the most before I go to dust.
Like anything else in life, having kids is a calling. My 9 month old is the absolute light of my life, I've found my purpose and joy with her. But she is work! 24/7. I love and embrace that. And I recognize that not everyone can be called to that or find their purpose in it. We are not all engineers, or doctors, or teachers. We have different callings. Nothing wrong with that. No one should be pressured into a purpose or "job" that doesn't fit them. It only hurts the kids and no one is happy.
Child free by choice. I have only one “regret”, technically not my regret, it was my dad who waited until several years after menopause to comment wistfully what a shame it was I didn’t donate those eggs I had no use for. In hindsight, I couldn’t care less about a genetic legacy, which is where he came from, but I do wish I had thought “I really don’t want to use these but for a couple who would give anything to have children, they could mean everything.” So, yea. If you have no use for them and decent genetics, look into donating.
Thank you! I’m 49 and have zero regrets on not having children. I love your breakdown of groups. I have so many friends that spend 95% of their time on their children’s school,sports,clubs,transportation. I know so many that are not financially set, due to the cost of children. I see so many friends posts with their children as if they are best friends with them…. Just wait till they leave the nest. I too saw friends in group A, but it was the smallest group and I didn’t like the odds. I’ve enjoyed reading the comments especially ones that mention “taking care of”,” owing/payback”, & legacy. I think childless individuals are too busy living their best lives, they have plenty of money to plan ahead. Thanks again!❤️
Possibly my neurodivergent brain, but I've never thought "Oh my life is not hard enough... I know, I'll have kids!" Never regretted my choice!
I don't care if people decide to have kids or not. This sub reddit thread, however, is fake. I believe it was written by someone who works in healthcare and has "interview" child-free people, but the writing is not reflective of an 85-year-old woman. I'm a nurse and I work with the elderly. Most (over 95%) don't even have a cell phone, let alone know how to negotiate a computer. Why must people make stuff up to validate the feelings? As I said, I couldn't care less if you decide not to have kids, but don't make stuff up to make yourself feel better.
I think it's "to each his own". Some people get happy being child free. Some would prefer children - nurturing them to continue their families' legacy and community building. To each his own - we owe to our selves to plan (regardless if child free family or not) and know the purpose of life and not being selfish to personal wishes and wants. If it's for a 2 cent advice, I would always prefer a family with child nurtured good enough so I could continue to fill this world with our legacy not only in thoughts but also in deeds. As added bonus, there's no amount of happiness playing with your baby, seeing them grow up to be the person you would like them to be and become meaningful part of the community a family man with children could only share.
My husband and I are 58 and childless by choice. Every time we're watching a movie with some bratty teen behaving badly we high-five each other and say "dodged THAT bullet!" It really is a relief to have escaped the parenthood trap.
Exactly. I don't want kids because I wouldn't want to worry about them missing my death, or making them sad. I personally feel I would not be a good parent and I would ruin there lives. I'm harsh when I get mad. And kids can make me very impatient. Even if they are not trying to. I would know, I have 4 siblings. I would also worry about my husband (if I had one cause I'm a single Pringle.). Like so much responsibility comes with kids. And I would suck at it. As I heard before "they are better when they ain't yours". I can make my own legacy without kids. And I mean, eventually I will be an Aunt (my sister said she wants to start having kids when she turns 23). So I would honestly just be the "cool" aunt then the "horrible" mother
While I was married to my ex, one of our SIL's relatives made the asinine comment while looking at me, "You ain't a real woman if you never had a baby." I laughed in her face, then looked at her poor daughter who was dirty and infected with ringworm. I told my MIL that I would try for kids (no eff'n way!) when her son and I could afford them. She responded with, "Then you'll never have them!" GOOD. I'm very happy to not have kids. If I want to play with children, there are plenty in our neighborhood and the parents know & trust us to interact with them.
I do hope for kids and married with two stepsons, but I really hope to never let my kids ever be concerned about taking care of me when I'm old. I've told my husband my stepsons are not to be brought in on my end of life plans and any child I have I hope to have everything set up so it's just them giving the go ahead to do it all. My parents are doing the same, prepping for their end of days, putting down all of the financials so none of it falls on us kids. I really appreciate this person's POV because I did wonder a few of these things myself.
I think this is nice and thanks for sharing this. It really does put things into perspective for parents and non-parents alike. I’ve found being a mum the most rewarding and satisfying thing I’ve ever done, but this article is an eye opener. I can’t expect them to take care of us in our old age or have an expectations of the “time invested” and expect that back. Man was that a powerful statement
I'm now 70, child free by default---daughter died at birth, her big brother in an accident 16 years ago when he was 31---and have been divorced for over 40 years (NEVER AGAIN!!) I never, ever planned on having my children take care of me in my older years, but of course, dau couldn't as she never got to live. Son and I discussed such things, and I told him I would never ask him to put his life on hold for me. Again, it couldn't have happened since he was killed in an accident when he was only 31 (I was 54). My parents never expected any of us three to take care of them, though we were all very close to them and lived close by, so visited frequently. I can't bother to have regrets--death isn't something I'd have chosen for my children, obviously, and I'm not bothered by the fact that I have very few years left. I know very well there's no heaven humans go to, nor is there hell, and knowing what does happen means I'm at peace being alone. I have enough, and that's plenty.
I always respect anyone's decision about children. It's their life and they should live it how they want. The only issue I see is that there seem to be two camps: living a child free life and doing whatever you desire in life, or having children and letting that be your defining attribute. My wife and I found what we find to be a happy medium. We didn't find each other and get married until we were 40-ish. We had full lives, professional careers, and had reached financial stability. We wanted, and had, one child. I'll be 60 when she graduates high school. Rather than being a burden, she's someone we can share our adventures with. We've travelled, explored cultured, and learned. She's been a wonderful child and not an anchor. Sure, there are drawbacks at having a child at our age : we do wear out faster than younger parents. We won't be around as long for her as my parents were for me. But our time together has been wonderful. NOT an attempt to convert others!
I think it's "to each his own". Some people get happy being child free. Some would prefer children - nurturing them to continue their families' legacy and community building. To each his own - we owe to our selves to plan (regardless if child free family or not) and know the purpose of life and not being selfish to personal wishes and wants. If it's for a 2 cent advice, I would always prefer a family with child nurtured good enough so I could continue to fill this world with our legacy not only in thoughts but also in deeds.
And when you die ... you're gone. Poof. Having some part of me live on after I die was one of the reasons I decided to have kids. Just ... a little bit of me :-) Hope they don't screw it up :-D
What difference does it make though? Seriously? A bit of you here or not? I have no problem with people deciding one way or another but sometimes the reasons baffle me.
Load More Replies... I agree that someone can and should be able to have a happy childfree life. I do recent her groups of people. I very much appreciate having kids, many parts of my life are interesting and fulfilling, but I don't want to claim it's roses and sunshine at all. Many other factors besides children can make life hard. My husband and I both lost our parents early. He was an orphan by 20, my last parent died a few years ago while I was in my late thirties. Both my parents were sick for a long time. I am quite the smarty pants and can reason up to great detail about the ambiguity of life, making it absolutely meaningless within our conscious efforts. Life is hard with or without. To me, my kids gave me insight and a reason to look forward. And with me many more. So there are at least two extra groups, the with/without kids and hard lives anyway because of not those kids. And I think that's the biggest group. Because reasons for challenges in life are a plenty.
Good for her. I do wonder about what would happen to someone who wasn't as lucky and got some sort of cognitive impairment. My father is like this. Not bad enough for any sort of professional care, but any time he gets confused about some sort of simple thing (how to write an email, how to pay a bill, that sort of thing), I go over and help him figure things out. Who would help him if he were childfree?
My mother was abusive. My brother and I finally cut off contact with her, and she turned to her sister and niece when her health began to fail. They did what they could, but my mother was a total monster to them as well, and so she ended up dying alone. Children do not owe their parents care by default.
Load More Replies... Odd you took time out of your day to comment then.
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