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100 People Are Sharing Their Work Brainfarts, And They’re Embarrassingly Hilarious
Brains are constantly processing insane amounts of data, so it's no wonder they sometimes get overwhelmed. Recently, tumblr user debrides shared one of their most embarrassing mind eclipses, and since most people own some brain, internet users started relating to it with equally crazy and hilarious stories of their own.
From wishing a fun funeral to calling employees "the inmates," these brainfarts were so smelly, they will make you feel like a rocket scientist. Scroll down to read what happens when someone 's body computer experiences a 404 error and feel free to share your own personal examples below!
(h/t buzzfeed)
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I’m a nurse at a hospital, and it was ingrained in us to knock on the patient’s door before entering (plus it’s just polite, people are barging in and out of patient’s rooms all day). So after working three twelves, I went through the motions of unlocking my door to my house, running upstairs to strip off my scrubs, and my husband just looked at me with the biggest smile on his face after I got my pajamas on. Little did I know, I knocked on my own door before coming in, knocked on my bedroom door, knocked on my bathroom door, and my closet door all without realizing what the hell I was doing.
Talk about being automatic!
I work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - I'll ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it I've bungled it
But anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”
As I handed her the bag I was trying to say “thanks, you're all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and I said “thanks, you're important”
There was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the f*ck Id just said. She blinked and then said “oh thank you! you're important too!”
The real kicker was one of my coworkers. When I was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. Last week I accidentally combined ‘you're welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘you're a problem’”
I have two jobs: one at a coffee shop, and one at a sex shop. Once while ringing our a someone at the sex shop i accidentally asked "for here or to go". The look on their face was priceless. Thank god they didn't choose "for here"!!
One time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, I was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.”
We both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, I should’ve done that.”
When I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”
One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”
She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.
A friend of mine was stay-at-home mom with toddlers. At a dinnerparty one night, while talking to the stranger next to her, she found herself cutting the meat on his plate. He looked rather surprised, but ate it...
I have a great conversation with a new client and at the end of the conversation realizing I hadn’t even said my name, meant to say “I’m Amber, thanks for the awesome conversation” but it just came out as “I’m awesome” as I’m shaking his hand.Coworkers started introducing me as that to new and old clients.
Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.
I worked in retail for a long time, and one day we were super busy and I was a little frazzled. The phone rang and I was half way between saying, “can you hold” and “can I place you on hold,” and instead just said “can I hold you?”
I work for a company that’s basically like amazon for prisoners. I’m so used to speaking to jails, that I was talking to corporate yesterday and when referring to my employees, referred to them as “the inmates”
I used to work at a place where you had to greet people when the door chimed and YEARS after quitting i was in a gas station that had the same chime and as I was in line to buy my road trip snacks I found myself greeting random other customer. Pavlov wasn't kidding.
I'm a supervisor and one day an agent needed help. He came to my office and said "Hey do you have a Sec?" Without even thinking I reply back with "I have all the Sec's for you". I turned bright red and tried to pull it back and say Time! I have all the Time for you!!
One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”
One time I was out walking and saw the sweetest little golden retriever puppy. I asked the owner if I could pet her and she obliged. I was so overwhelmed by the cuteness that my brain got all jumbled. I put my hands on the puppy's face and said to her in baby-talk, "Oh my gosh you are just so cute I cannot handle it! I just want to KILL you!"
My brain simultaneously said the word "kiss" and "steal". I took a beat and the immediate horror set in of what I had actually uttered. I stammered and wanted to apologize, but the woman picked her dog up and RAN away before I could explain.
I used to babysit a lot, usually the parents were going out, doing something fun. One time i was sitting so the parents could go ta a funeral. As they were leaving, I said what I usually say, "Have fun!"
At work about a month ago, I was helping a customer, and when they thanked me, I combined 'No problem!' and 'My pleasure!'
'NO PLEASURE!' I said, and then because my brain was broken, I just walked away.
As a nanny I teach babies sign language. At home I will wave the pee sign to let others know I have to pee!
Just last week a customer asked me if I was Rachel and I responded with “yes, this is Rachel.” It was not a phone call. He was right in front of me.
I was at work and had to make a super important phone call but kept getting interrupted and I was afraid I was going to forget to do it so in my head I kept repeating “Gotta make the call, gotta make the call.” Well then then this really hot guy walked up to the counter so I went up to him to say “Hi can I help you?” But what came out was “Hi can I call you?” He froze, I froze, we both wordlessly agreed that it never happened and went about with our interaction.
And then I forgot to make the call.
Hmm…I have to carry a gun for work. When I get into my car on my days off I frantically shift and grope at my waist because I didn’t feel it dig uncomfortably into my side.
During work hours I will slow my pace so that no one is walking behind me. I hold doors open for people, not to be nice really, but so someone can’t charge up behind me in a doorway. I went to a friend’s parents apartment for thanksgiving, they have a door man. He opened the door for me, without thinking I grabbed it, making hard eye contact gesturing for him to enter first. He kinda shuffled in nervously. I took two steps once inside, before realizing what I’d done.
I think that’s all I got.
I work in IT. One time, my wife complained that our toaster oven wasn't getting hot and I instinctively asked her if she tried rebooting it.
I'm a cook, and in professional kitchens, you say, "Corner!" to keep someone from running into you with a full plate or tray, "Behind you!", "Behind with a knife!" or "Hot Behind!" to make sure the person with their back to you doesn't suddenly turn around and get injured, and "Heard!" to confirm you received an instruction. I cannot tell you how many times I've been in a grocery story and called, "Corner!" as I come out of an aisle, "Behind you!" walking through crowded places, and "Heard!" to friends who were just telling me about their day or pretty much anyone asking me to do anything. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but it's definitely changed how I move about in the world.
Working in a grocery store and having customers complain about the price of organic fruit and telling them “it’s more because it’s orgasmic”
After spending the day teaching kids yoga, I was teaching an adult class and we moved into cat/cow. I proceeded to tell them to "MOOOOOOO" on the inhale and "MEOOOOOOWWWW" like a scaredy cat on the exhale. No one but me did it.
I worked for a company where my phone intro was,
“Thank you for calling Healthy Start Heathy Families how can I help you?” One day I answered, “thank you for calling healthy Fart how can I help you?” I almost died on the phone! Luckily it was my supervisor checking in and she was like, “well farts are heathy.”
I used to work in the jewelry department of a big department store. I had been hearing the manager answer the phone all day "Fine Jewelry, this is Cindy." So later in the day the phone rings and I answer "Fine Jewelry, this is Cindy," and it was Cindy calling to check on things. We had a good laugh over that one.
One time I had two jobs that required me answering the phone. One day I picked up the phone and said "Good Morning, thank you for calling....where am i?" (Lucky for me customer started to laugh and thanked me saying he needed a good laugh)
I was training a girl, who also worked at a taco bell, in a toll booth and she printed out a receipt and proceeded to tell the person who just paid their toll that if they fill out the (nonexistent) survey they could get a free taco. I was CRYING!
I used to work for a healthcare company that is frequently located in strip malls. Will never forget the time that I told a prospective employee that our offices are usually located in strip clubs.
I once answered my cellphone “subway in [city name], this is Amanda” and my mom lost her shit.
As a former Disney Cast Member any time I see a small child I feel compelled to get down on their level and ask about their day. "How are you today, Princess?"
Not work related but... My husband and I were walking around in our yard looking at the various plants. He noticed one that he didn't remember planting and ask what that was. My reply - "I don't know. Maybe some nut buried a squirrel there."
One time I was in a really intense argument with my boyfriend and my phone rang and I was so upset that I answered it and said, "thank you for calling [place where I work], this is Anna speaking, how may I help you today?" and it was my bfs mom and she just paused for a minute and said, "do you know where you are, Anna?"
27 years ago, I worked in a tiny telemarketing firm. We were calling central Oregon, looking for people who would do a survey over the phone. I also worked at Toys R Us, in Bellevue, WA. So, I call this number in Oregon, the phone just rings as I chit chat with my roommate. Suddenly, a woman answers. My mind blanks and after a couple seconds I blurt out “Thank you for calling Bellevue Toys R Us, we are open from 9:30 to” and then I just hung up. I imagine some woman staring at her phone, wondering what the heck that was all about.
I worked an answering service for 10 years. One time I told a woman I'd page the vet on call for her sick child. She said, "you mean pediatrician? My dog is just fine." And once my husband woke me to roll over because I was snoring. I asked him if he wanted me to page the on-call doctor. He said, "No, you're at home. Go back to sleep."
After 5 years of studying computer science to get my Masters, I was quite used to hitting a button to the right of doors in order to enter or exit secure rooms. Then when I started working every time I walked into a room or left, I would hit the spot next to the door automatically....which is usually where the light switch sits. So basically, I would announce that I was entering the room by turning of the lights or leave the room and turn off the lights leaving my co-workers sitting in the dark.
I was really sleepy one morning and went to the little corner market for coffee. I was in there pretty frequently but this time when I was saying bye to the older gentleman who owned it I said "Love You, Bye". I didnt go in for two months from embarassment but once I did he gave me free coffee.
Didn’t happen to me, but to my boss. He was going on a local morning news show to talk about an upcoming event. He got nervous about responding either “thanks for having me” or “great to be here.” He ended up saying “great to have me.” That story cracks me up every time!
As a psychiatry resident we'd work nights doing emergency evals, and on a busy night would have a bunch of reports to dictate before we could go home and sleep. After droning through one, half asleep, I signed off with "In Jesus' Name, Amen."
I use to work with in memory care at a nursing home so it was working with a lot of Alzheimer and demintia patients. Well some of them would need help with eating and drinking. Like putting the fork/straw to their lips. Well my mom asked for a glass of milk. I return with the milk and tried to put the straw to her lips, she just stared at me. We still laugh about it!
When I offered to help my supervisor with removing a mop head,several years back. It was stuck and she was making some weird movements when trying to remove it.
"Can I fist you?" I said.
What I MEANT was "Can I help? It's really bad but you look like you're fisting someone."
Possibly the worst thing that's popped out of my mouth...
I waited tables in college and one night I left work and wasn’t feeling well, so I went home, took some NyQuil, and went to sleep. One of my friends called me at midnight to invite me out for drinks, but apparently in my medicine haze I’d answered “Thank you for calling Tejas Cafe” and tried to take her salad order.
I used to answer the phone at work by saying "Good morning (or afternoon) (then name of the business) this is Ellen, may I help you?" One day I answered it and did fine until I got to the last phrase and instead said "may I hold you?" I lost it laughing but the guy on the phone was quick. He calmly replied, "Ok, but I barely know you."
In my old job, I was trying to package something for a customer. But it wouldn't fit.
"It's too big, it won't go in..."
Swiftly followed by "that's what she said!“
And then I remembered I was serving a customer and proceeded to accidentally put about 3 further innuendos in my apology. Luckily, he found it amusing and countered with some" that's what s/he" saids of his own.
I worked in a fancy restaurant for years. We always set up salad bar for dinner. Well one night I was a little behind.Everything was all set except nothing had tongs in it. So essentially it wasn't ready for customers. Well the hostess was unaware of this and from what she saw it looked ready so she let this group of ppl through to start their salads. I came running through the line with tongs and had forgotten what they were called. Tongs or utensils...neither sounded right at the time. Anyway so I was hurridly placing them around the salad bar exclaiming " Wait, they need thier tonsils! Tonsils!"
I work at a horse barn full time.
I make clicking or kissing noises to try to get people to move and kind of herd them around.
I tell them “quit” in a stern, harsh voice when they are doing something slightly annoying.
I’m a nurse at a hospital, and it was ingrained in us to knock on the patient’s door before entering (plus it’s just polite, people are barging in and out of patient’s rooms all day). So after working three twelves, I went through the motions of unlocking my door to my house, running upstairs to strip off my scrubs, and my husband just looked at me with the biggest smile on his face after I got my pajamas on. Little did I know, I knocked on my own door before coming in, knocked on my bedroom door, knocked on my bathroom door, and my closet door all without realizing what the hell I was doing.
Talk about being automatic!
I work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - I'll ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it I've bungled it
But anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”
As I handed her the bag I was trying to say “thanks, you're all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and I said “thanks, you're important”
There was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the f*ck Id just said. She blinked and then said “oh thank you! you're important too!”
The real kicker was one of my coworkers. When I was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. Last week I accidentally combined ‘you're welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘you're a problem’”
I have two jobs: one at a coffee shop, and one at a sex shop. Once while ringing our a someone at the sex shop i accidentally asked "for here or to go". The look on their face was priceless. Thank god they didn't choose "for here"!!
One time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, I was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.”
We both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, I should’ve done that.”
When I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”
One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”
She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.
A friend of mine was stay-at-home mom with toddlers. At a dinnerparty one night, while talking to the stranger next to her, she found herself cutting the meat on his plate. He looked rather surprised, but ate it...
I have a great conversation with a new client and at the end of the conversation realizing I hadn’t even said my name, meant to say “I’m Amber, thanks for the awesome conversation” but it just came out as “I’m awesome” as I’m shaking his hand.Coworkers started introducing me as that to new and old clients.
Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.
I worked in retail for a long time, and one day we were super busy and I was a little frazzled. The phone rang and I was half way between saying, “can you hold” and “can I place you on hold,” and instead just said “can I hold you?”
I work for a company that’s basically like amazon for prisoners. I’m so used to speaking to jails, that I was talking to corporate yesterday and when referring to my employees, referred to them as “the inmates”
I used to work at a place where you had to greet people when the door chimed and YEARS after quitting i was in a gas station that had the same chime and as I was in line to buy my road trip snacks I found myself greeting random other customer. Pavlov wasn't kidding.
I'm a supervisor and one day an agent needed help. He came to my office and said "Hey do you have a Sec?" Without even thinking I reply back with "I have all the Sec's for you". I turned bright red and tried to pull it back and say Time! I have all the Time for you!!
One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”
One time I was out walking and saw the sweetest little golden retriever puppy. I asked the owner if I could pet her and she obliged. I was so overwhelmed by the cuteness that my brain got all jumbled. I put my hands on the puppy's face and said to her in baby-talk, "Oh my gosh you are just so cute I cannot handle it! I just want to KILL you!"
My brain simultaneously said the word "kiss" and "steal". I took a beat and the immediate horror set in of what I had actually uttered. I stammered and wanted to apologize, but the woman picked her dog up and RAN away before I could explain.
I used to babysit a lot, usually the parents were going out, doing something fun. One time i was sitting so the parents could go ta a funeral. As they were leaving, I said what I usually say, "Have fun!"
At work about a month ago, I was helping a customer, and when they thanked me, I combined 'No problem!' and 'My pleasure!'
'NO PLEASURE!' I said, and then because my brain was broken, I just walked away.
As a nanny I teach babies sign language. At home I will wave the pee sign to let others know I have to pee!
Just last week a customer asked me if I was Rachel and I responded with “yes, this is Rachel.” It was not a phone call. He was right in front of me.
I was at work and had to make a super important phone call but kept getting interrupted and I was afraid I was going to forget to do it so in my head I kept repeating “Gotta make the call, gotta make the call.” Well then then this really hot guy walked up to the counter so I went up to him to say “Hi can I help you?” But what came out was “Hi can I call you?” He froze, I froze, we both wordlessly agreed that it never happened and went about with our interaction.
And then I forgot to make the call.
Hmm…I have to carry a gun for work. When I get into my car on my days off I frantically shift and grope at my waist because I didn’t feel it dig uncomfortably into my side.
During work hours I will slow my pace so that no one is walking behind me. I hold doors open for people, not to be nice really, but so someone can’t charge up behind me in a doorway. I went to a friend’s parents apartment for thanksgiving, they have a door man. He opened the door for me, without thinking I grabbed it, making hard eye contact gesturing for him to enter first. He kinda shuffled in nervously. I took two steps once inside, before realizing what I’d done.
I think that’s all I got.
I work in IT. One time, my wife complained that our toaster oven wasn't getting hot and I instinctively asked her if she tried rebooting it.
I'm a cook, and in professional kitchens, you say, "Corner!" to keep someone from running into you with a full plate or tray, "Behind you!", "Behind with a knife!" or "Hot Behind!" to make sure the person with their back to you doesn't suddenly turn around and get injured, and "Heard!" to confirm you received an instruction. I cannot tell you how many times I've been in a grocery story and called, "Corner!" as I come out of an aisle, "Behind you!" walking through crowded places, and "Heard!" to friends who were just telling me about their day or pretty much anyone asking me to do anything. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but it's definitely changed how I move about in the world.
Working in a grocery store and having customers complain about the price of organic fruit and telling them “it’s more because it’s orgasmic”
After spending the day teaching kids yoga, I was teaching an adult class and we moved into cat/cow. I proceeded to tell them to "MOOOOOOO" on the inhale and "MEOOOOOOWWWW" like a scaredy cat on the exhale. No one but me did it.
I worked for a company where my phone intro was,
“Thank you for calling Healthy Start Heathy Families how can I help you?” One day I answered, “thank you for calling healthy Fart how can I help you?” I almost died on the phone! Luckily it was my supervisor checking in and she was like, “well farts are heathy.”
I used to work in the jewelry department of a big department store. I had been hearing the manager answer the phone all day "Fine Jewelry, this is Cindy." So later in the day the phone rings and I answer "Fine Jewelry, this is Cindy," and it was Cindy calling to check on things. We had a good laugh over that one.
One time I had two jobs that required me answering the phone. One day I picked up the phone and said "Good Morning, thank you for calling....where am i?" (Lucky for me customer started to laugh and thanked me saying he needed a good laugh)
I was training a girl, who also worked at a taco bell, in a toll booth and she printed out a receipt and proceeded to tell the person who just paid their toll that if they fill out the (nonexistent) survey they could get a free taco. I was CRYING!
I used to work for a healthcare company that is frequently located in strip malls. Will never forget the time that I told a prospective employee that our offices are usually located in strip clubs.
I once answered my cellphone “subway in [city name], this is Amanda” and my mom lost her shit.
As a former Disney Cast Member any time I see a small child I feel compelled to get down on their level and ask about their day. "How are you today, Princess?"
Not work related but... My husband and I were walking around in our yard looking at the various plants. He noticed one that he didn't remember planting and ask what that was. My reply - "I don't know. Maybe some nut buried a squirrel there."
One time I was in a really intense argument with my boyfriend and my phone rang and I was so upset that I answered it and said, "thank you for calling [place where I work], this is Anna speaking, how may I help you today?" and it was my bfs mom and she just paused for a minute and said, "do you know where you are, Anna?"
27 years ago, I worked in a tiny telemarketing firm. We were calling central Oregon, looking for people who would do a survey over the phone. I also worked at Toys R Us, in Bellevue, WA. So, I call this number in Oregon, the phone just rings as I chit chat with my roommate. Suddenly, a woman answers. My mind blanks and after a couple seconds I blurt out “Thank you for calling Bellevue Toys R Us, we are open from 9:30 to” and then I just hung up. I imagine some woman staring at her phone, wondering what the heck that was all about.
I worked an answering service for 10 years. One time I told a woman I'd page the vet on call for her sick child. She said, "you mean pediatrician? My dog is just fine." And once my husband woke me to roll over because I was snoring. I asked him if he wanted me to page the on-call doctor. He said, "No, you're at home. Go back to sleep."
After 5 years of studying computer science to get my Masters, I was quite used to hitting a button to the right of doors in order to enter or exit secure rooms. Then when I started working every time I walked into a room or left, I would hit the spot next to the door automatically....which is usually where the light switch sits. So basically, I would announce that I was entering the room by turning of the lights or leave the room and turn off the lights leaving my co-workers sitting in the dark.
I was really sleepy one morning and went to the little corner market for coffee. I was in there pretty frequently but this time when I was saying bye to the older gentleman who owned it I said "Love You, Bye". I didnt go in for two months from embarassment but once I did he gave me free coffee.
Didn’t happen to me, but to my boss. He was going on a local morning news show to talk about an upcoming event. He got nervous about responding either “thanks for having me” or “great to be here.” He ended up saying “great to have me.” That story cracks me up every time!
As a psychiatry resident we'd work nights doing emergency evals, and on a busy night would have a bunch of reports to dictate before we could go home and sleep. After droning through one, half asleep, I signed off with "In Jesus' Name, Amen."
I use to work with in memory care at a nursing home so it was working with a lot of Alzheimer and demintia patients. Well some of them would need help with eating and drinking. Like putting the fork/straw to their lips. Well my mom asked for a glass of milk. I return with the milk and tried to put the straw to her lips, she just stared at me. We still laugh about it!
When I offered to help my supervisor with removing a mop head,several years back. It was stuck and she was making some weird movements when trying to remove it.
"Can I fist you?" I said.
What I MEANT was "Can I help? It's really bad but you look like you're fisting someone."
Possibly the worst thing that's popped out of my mouth...
I waited tables in college and one night I left work and wasn’t feeling well, so I went home, took some NyQuil, and went to sleep. One of my friends called me at midnight to invite me out for drinks, but apparently in my medicine haze I’d answered “Thank you for calling Tejas Cafe” and tried to take her salad order.
I used to answer the phone at work by saying "Good morning (or afternoon) (then name of the business) this is Ellen, may I help you?" One day I answered it and did fine until I got to the last phrase and instead said "may I hold you?" I lost it laughing but the guy on the phone was quick. He calmly replied, "Ok, but I barely know you."
In my old job, I was trying to package something for a customer. But it wouldn't fit.
"It's too big, it won't go in..."
Swiftly followed by "that's what she said!“
And then I remembered I was serving a customer and proceeded to accidentally put about 3 further innuendos in my apology. Luckily, he found it amusing and countered with some" that's what s/he" saids of his own.
I worked in a fancy restaurant for years. We always set up salad bar for dinner. Well one night I was a little behind.Everything was all set except nothing had tongs in it. So essentially it wasn't ready for customers. Well the hostess was unaware of this and from what she saw it looked ready so she let this group of ppl through to start their salads. I came running through the line with tongs and had forgotten what they were called. Tongs or utensils...neither sounded right at the time. Anyway so I was hurridly placing them around the salad bar exclaiming " Wait, they need thier tonsils! Tonsils!"
I work at a horse barn full time.
I make clicking or kissing noises to try to get people to move and kind of herd them around.
I tell them “quit” in a stern, harsh voice when they are doing something slightly annoying.
