Can You Still Feel Beautiful When Society Says You’re Not?

I would like to be able to answer that question with a resounding YES, but tonight I am not positive Patricia, tonight I want to be honest Patricia. And when we’re being honest, we admit that words do hurt and sometimes it takes years to get over what somebody said. I’d love to be one of those people who don’t give a rat’s ass about what others say about me, but when you’re already insecure to begin with, having those insecurities mocked is a little difficult to overcome. I’ve been called all of the above over the years, both online and in “real life” and if you keep hearing them often enough, you have to make quite some efforts to not believe them and still feel beautiful. A few years go, I stopped believing.

When I was little I used to be skinny, that kind of skinny kid that when people saw me, they asked mom why she doesn’t feed me. Then one New Year’s Eve I had a very bad case of food poisoning and allergy, which lead to my hospitalization. The hormone they used to kick start my liver which had failed caused weight gain, so much so that a few months after leaving the hospital I was twice as big. We still don’t know why (but we’re guessing it had to do with that episode in my childhood), but it’s very hard for me to lose weight. I diet and go to the gym four times a week for a month, I loose 2-3 kilos. I take a few days off and indulge in some normal food, I put them back plus two. Whenever I’m really stressed, no matter the diet or how much I work out, my weight spikes up. It’s very frustrating, especially since the moment I start being happy with my progress, something happens and all effort is gone to waste.

I started being insecure about my body when I was in primary school. Some people say small kids are angels, but I beg to differ. No one can be as cruel and pick at every single thing that’s different as a kid can. I was bullied for my weight, for my teeth, for my style and that age, it’s very hard not to listen. Now I know how little such remarks mean when you can choose not to listen and surround yourself with love and positivity instead, but after living so many years in which I believed them, all the mean remarks left wounds that are sometimes still a little painful.

I’ve always loved browsing through my mom’s magazines and it was like a safe place for a long time when things were not pink. However, no matter how many pages I flipped, I could never see someone like me. My body type was only given as a negative example, as something you had to get rid of, something that was mocked by society. One of the most “juicy” news, besides sex scandals, in tabloids is when someone gains some weight. God forbid a woman put a pound on, especially if she’s a model or actress, you’ll see fat written all over the pages, when they’re still skinnier than most people. As a developing teenager, influenced by what society defined as a model and ideal body for women, I became obsessed with my weight. There were several years in which I felt worthless, unlovable and ugly, because I thought the only thing that mattered was being skinny. At some point it got so bad that whenever I entered a room, first I would analyze everyone, to see if I were the heaviest in the room. I was bulimic for a year, I lost around 15 kilos, then put 25 back when I managed to pull myself back together.

My biggest fear for years, since I’ve been blogging, was that people will see what I really look like and judge me. It’s easy to hide a little extra weight with the right clothes, the right angles and photoshop. We’ve never edited anything excessively, but from today on, I don’t want to liquify anything at all. Because I want curvy teenagers like me to be able to see girls like themselves all prettied up in fancy clothes and photos and be proud of their bodies. Some days it’s hard to not listen to the mean voices, but if you don’t learn love yourself, who will? It’s not going to happen overnight, dark thoughts tend to linger much longer than the good ones, but every single baby step towards a positive body image and attitude you take should be celebrated. Because your beauty and value are represented by so much more than your body. You know who the ugly and disgusting people really are? Those who have to bring others down to feel better about themselves. Today I am facing my biggest fear, in order to kill, once and for all, my biggest insecurity. I am honest and unedited, both body and thoughts wise and I am proud.

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